Next Level University

#1542 - An Easy Way To Express Your Relationship Needs

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Embarking on a journey of discovery, delving into the art of expressing and understanding relationship needs. In this episode, hosts Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros discuss identifying key priorities to foster deeper relationship connections. The idea of '10 out of 10s' refers to those elements or experiences that are of utmost importance to us and our partners. By understanding and honoring each other's '10 out of 10s', we can ensure that our relationships are built on a foundation of mutual respect and understanding.

Links mentioned:
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Show notes:
(1:59) An example of 10 out of 10
(9:50) Only 1 at a time
(12:10) Bianca, the co-founder and COO of Evolve Ventures, talks about Alan's unwavering support as her coach and the profound impact of mentorship on her life
(14:17) Priorities and boundaries in relationships
(17:51) Prioritizing preferences and communication
(24:13) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Speaker 1:

Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health, andrew, well, we hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, episode number 1541. One reason you don't feel like you're making progress today? For episode number 1542 an easy way to express your relationship needs. First off, shout out to all of our what did I tell you? Fiji? I believe we're in the top five right now and self-improvement in Fiji. So shout out to all of our new NLU listeners in Fiji, grateful shout out everyone of you All right.

Speaker 1:

So this week has been mayhem, to say the least. Right now it is 8 30 pm on Tuesday and this episode that we're recording is dropping at 5 am On Wednesday, so not many hours from now. So Monday, alan and I usually record our episodes. We try to get seven episodes done. I Get up early Monday, I get up at 5 o'clock. I was in here doing stuff for clients and just plugging away, so I worked for like two and a half hours.

Speaker 1:

Terrence phone goes off at 7 30 and she got a call and I was thinking to myself that's very weird. We don't usually get phone calls personal phone calls at 7 30 she came in and she said, hey, I'm gonna keep it private for her Privacy. But she said, hey, something happened. Are you able to take the day off? And and Normally, under most other circumstances, my answer would be, well, no, you know, monday is the date we record all of our episodes. If I miss Monday, I am in trouble.

Speaker 1:

But based on the conversation we had, I knew that this was something that was super, super important to her and this is something that Alan taught me a while back. I don't know if Emilia came up with her. You came up with it. I'll let you explain it. But this is something that I knew that was 10 out of 10, important for Taren. It wasn't just a hey, can we go get coffee or hey, can you come shopping with me. This was there's something going on in the family and it would really mean a lot for you, to me, if you were there. So I said, absolutely, let me know when we're leaving. I'll text Alan, we'll figure it out. It was very much that you. Right now, this is the main priority and everything else I'm just gonna have to figure out. I'll just figure out how we're gonna record the episodes. Alan's gonna understand. Alan has 10 out of 10s, emilia has 10 out of 10s.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes that's the way it goes and honestly, you're blessed when it doesn't go that way, because it's usually serious stuff when it happens. So an easy way to express your relationship needs is when you're expressing something vulnerability to your partner. Again, it doesn't have to be to your partner. It could be in any relationship family, friends, whatever. If you say to someone, hey, this is a 10 out of 10, for me this is of super importance. This is something that means the world to me. I told Alan. When I went back to Jiu Jitsu, I said this is a 10 out of 10 for me. This is 10 out of 10 fulfilling You're gonna. I'm gonna be different. I don't know how to explain it, but I just am. If I said I don't know if I, if I, Well, you're definitely different with your shoulder.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, my shoulder's different, my shoulder's just. I don't even think it's from Jiu Jitsu.

Speaker 1:

That's the thing that's frustrating. I don't know what it's from, but I'm gonna figure out. It's all good. But just as an example, if Taryn came in and said, hey, will you come get coffee with me? And I said, well, on a scale of one to 10, what is it for you? And she said I was probably a two out of 10. I most likely wouldn't have done it and she also most likely wouldn't have expected me to do it.

Speaker 1:

And that's the important piece is, you have to understand what your 10 out of 10s are and what your partners or family members or friends are, because it kind of is the, it's the card that you pull out that says, hey, I really need you. I'm not just saying I need you, but it would really really mean the world to me if you were there for me. And it's almost. It almost allows you to avoid those scenarios that I'm sure we've all had, unfortunately, one of the things that becomes a hole in the relationship. I don't know if you've had those, but I've definitely had those. Hey, kev, I'm going here, can you come here with me? And I didn't do it.

Speaker 2:

And looking back, it's like oh, that was the beginning of the end For sure.

Speaker 1:

That was something that I broke trust with that person or I lost their respect, or whatever it is. So that is the easy way to express your relationship needs. Come up with an open and honest conversation around. Hey, let's get clear on what your one out of 10s are, your five out of 10s, your 10 out of 10s. It might not be easy to do because it's gonna require vulnerability, but it's a nice little system to have that I think you can rely on.

Speaker 2:

So this was actually born. It was me and Emilia and I really did this, but I've always been a big numbers person. So two, maybe three years ago I'm not sure which we were doing Books for Babes, which is a charity initiative that Emilia and I started primarily Emilia, but Emilia and I and what we do is we get donations for these amazing books and we put them in boxes and we write handwritten letters to the kids and we give them out to kids on Christmas underprivileged children and this was two or three years ago, I forget which, but it was December. It was Christmas Eve, which was the 24th, and we were at her family's place doing the holiday festivities and then we were actually at Emilia's parents place putting the books into the boxes, writing the letters, doing all this stuff. We have little bookmarks. It's a really cute thing.

Speaker 2:

And then we go back to my mom's place and we are finishing the letters and she ended up falling asleep. She was exhausted and I didn't wake her up. I always try to protect Emilia's sleep. She's had memory challenges in the past. She hasn't mind me sharing that and sleep is the most important thing, and I got her a book called Memory Recovery that I've talked about, and sleep is the most important thing for memory recovery and her memory is 10 times better than it was back then and I just always protect her sleep because to me that's the 10 out of 10. Her brain, okay.

Speaker 2:

Now, when she got up, she was a little frustrated. She's like why didn't you wake me up? And I was like because I'm protecting your sleep and she's well, we were supposed to go back to my parents and we were supposed to deliver the boxes to the teachers. This was during COVID, so the teachers were distributing the books for us and we actually later that night this is actually really funny in hindsight because during COVID you're just trying to figure it out and we were delivering boxes of books at 2am in her Prius to these houses that we had never been to. And I'm like, sweetheart, this is not good, we're trespassing, kind of. These people know we're coming, that kind of thing. So it was listen, we got to go home, we could do this in the morning, in the daylight, so that was actually really funny. We were committed. It's like 2am, right, but anyways, we were finishing the letters.

Speaker 2:

And she's like why didn't you wake me up? And I said because sleep was the 10 out of 10. There were three things, that three priorities. At the time there was go back and have finished dessert with her parents, deliver the books for books for babes and sleep. And I said I prioritized your sleep above the other two. And she's like, well, they're all important. I said yeah, but they're not equally important. And we had this really cool moment where I said zero to 10, what's the 10 out of 10? She's like they're all 10 out of 10. And then my math brain went that's impossible. If you could only do one of the three, what would it be?

Speaker 2:

And I've since had many team members and Kevin and I coach a lot of women. A lot of our team is women, and this is Amy Lenious's words, not mine. She said women struggle with not having everything be a 10 out of 10. When you ask your core values and I coach a lot of women as well and again, some men struggle with this too. So I don't want to do the male-female thing. I really don't. But Amy says women in particular and this is her words, not mine they really have trouble understanding what is most important because they're conditioned to believe everything's important.

Speaker 2:

So right now it's 8.42 pm on a Tuesday, and the 10 out of 10 right now is this podcast episode, because we've never missed an episode and we never will.

Speaker 2:

If, for whatever reason, something was wrong with Emilia right now, I would stop this recording immediately and that would become my 10 out of 10.

Speaker 2:

And so the 10 out of 10 can change, but there's only ever one 10 out of 10 at a time, and I think that that's beautifully powerful, because I think all of us are spread so thin, trying to do so many different things, and it's really empowering to say you know what this podcast is going to get my full attention right now. You and I both talked to Terrin and Emilia earlier tonight and said listen, tonight's a wash. Kevin and I have to record because we've got to make up for earlier this week. And she understands, and Terrin obviously understands too, because you were there for her on Monday understandable. And so when Kevin texted me hey, man, I need the day, of course this is a 10 out of 10 thing for Terrin, and if it was 10 out of 10 for Emilia, he would give me that same grace, and I think that that's one of the benefits of understanding what the 10 out of 10 is.

Speaker 1:

You can kind of make those decisions on the phone Well, and you and I, I know you so well and through you and knowing you, I know Emilia really well and through knowing me and you and I knowing each other for as long as we have you know, taren. So we understand.

Speaker 1:

Maybe not I don't understand Emilia's 10 out of 10s like you do, but I have an idea of them, just like with Taren For sure I've gotten several emails when I was supposed to be on podcasts, where people would message me and it might be last minute, it might be the day before week of and they'd say hey, I'm so sorry, I need to reschedule, there's a family emergency. And I would always message back don't, you have nothing to be sorry about, don't worry about it, we'll get on the schedule when everything's fine. And I always say family first, because to that person they're pretty much saying my family is 10 out of 10, awesome, cool. I can't imagine a world where I would ever give somebody pushback for that. You do, you, I think.

Speaker 2:

It's the way it should be.

Speaker 1:

I say that to the team all the time family first, family first. You gotta take care of as much as, as much as NLU, and everything we do is a 10 out of 10 for us. I understand that it might not be for the team right now, with life going on, but it depends. Yeah, of course, of course.

Speaker 2:

It depends, right, if you have something a team member, for example saying, for example, wow, excellent speaking Alan. If one of the team members, for example one of our team members I'll keep it anonymous had a mother-in-law that was having a really hard time health-wise, we're never gonna be like no, no, no, no, focus on the work. It doesn't make any sense. But if and this is the key and hopefully this will resonate with everybody in an intimate relationship if Emilia was saying everything's a 10 out of 10 all the time, this would never work right. It's not like Taryn plays that card that often.

Speaker 1:

It is kind of that, you know, just like me, the boy who cried wolf card, where we have to have the understanding that I know it might sound and I don't mean this in a condescending way it might sound cute for you to say, yeah, going to dinners at 10 out of 10, when in reality we both know that's not sustainable and Taryn's never done that just as an example.

Speaker 2:

And to your point of the rescheduling of podcasts, if it happens six times, you kinda know right, and so your track record speaks volumes. Kev can always tell when I'm jeffin', cause I'll say something like hey man, you know, tucker did poopies and you know, and those are true. But the truth is I'm gonna be late. I need it, I'm gonna be late and I'm sorry, and you know you're gonna have to deal with it because I'm out here jeffin', but as long as it's not all of the time, it's understandable and it goes both ways. If Kevin's ever late, he's never gonna hear a lick out of me.

Speaker 2:

If you're ever unavailable or you have something come up or you need to pivot on something, you're never gonna hear me say anything about it, because I understand that there's two sides to this coin and I think on one end people sometimes aren't supportive or understanding enough, like I was on Monday. I was like no, of course do you, but, and then sometimes you get walked on because you're overly supportive and I think we all need to find five. We call it drive to five for the new listeners. It's that centered middle point of too much or too little of something. In this case too much understanding you might get walked on too little understanding you obviously aren't being super supportive.

Speaker 1:

It's just super important to know your partner. I guess in this context we're mostly speaking about partner. But even if your parent values quality time with you and you only get to see them around the holidays this is why things can get wonky, because their 10 out of 10 might be you going to the holiday thing when for you it's not a 10 out of 10. And that's where boundaries come up and that's a whole. That's a whole, nother episode.

Speaker 1:

But at least when it comes to the intimate partner thing, I've had a lot of friends who and clients in the past. But Alan's coached way more relationship clients than I have, but they would say well, I don't. It's frustrating to me that my partner doesn't value what I value at the level I do, and I always used to say I mean sometimes that's just the way it goes. At least let them know how much you value it so maybe you can enjoy it to the degree of you enjoying it by yourself or with other people who value it as much. But I don't think it's necessarily your partner's job to value it at the same level you value it.

Speaker 2:

There's no such thing from my understanding of an intimate relationship or any relationship where every core value is fully aligned.

Speaker 1:

But what you can do is say for me, this is a 10 out of 10, it would really mean the world to me if you would join me. And then we've talked about that before. What would you do for someone else that you wouldn't do? What would you do with someone else that you wouldn't do by yourself? Because for you it's not a 10 out of 10?

Speaker 2:

I have one more example that I think will land. That's very powerful. So Emilia had asked me one layer deeper is not only hey, is this a 10 out of 10 for you, but how much is it not aligned for you? So I'll explain with an example.

Speaker 2:

So Emilia and I were on a walk one time and she said listen, I had to reschedule my nail appointment and I'm getting my nails done tomorrow. I'm gonna go to the gym right after we go to the gym together. Is there any chance you'd come with me and dude for me? And I'm doing up right now. And I told her this too I'm not gonna go into the nail salon, I just am not doing it. And I asked her I said is this a 10 out of 10 for you? And she said no. And I'm like okay, how important zero to 10? She's like probably like a four. I said okay, well, it's a 10 out of 10. I don't wanna do this at a 10 out of 10. She's like well, why? I said listen, the conversations that go on in a nail salon for me personally are not super aligned and the last thing I wanna do is leave the house and it's a day that I wanna do back office work and I have a lot of work to catch up on and I've got an event coming up. So, at the end of the day, these are mature, honest conversations. Just like I say to her, I don't wanna watch the movie with you If I'm gonna misalign you that's what we call it If I'm gonna misalign you too much, I would rather watch it alone Because I don't wanna feel guilty that I'm misaligning you. You know the deal like when Taryn watches UFC with you. If she's not enjoying it, you know it's not gonna be as enjoyable for you.

Speaker 2:

And that's kind of one of those things that you number one. You have to understand what your 10 out of 10s are. And then you also have to understand and this is me coaching couples all the time what are your hard stops? I'm not going to the nail salon, and it's not anything against the nail salon. I just I don't even like going to the barber. I have Emilia cutting my hair on purpose because I don't like going to the barber shop, right? So if someone has a eight out of 10 thing they want you to do and you're 10 out of 10 against it, there's your answer. And so these numbers, numbers can really help you make effective choices. And what I the last thing I'll say, very last thing, is you don't have 50 10 out of 10s. Emilia and I are very clear on what our 10 out of 10s are, and it's very important not to have 100 of them, not to have 50 of them, because if everything is a 10 out of 10, nothing's a 10 out of 10.

Speaker 2:

That's like what's your favorite movie? Oh, I love all movies. Okay, well, now there's no contrast. Every movie's equal right. Who here's ever seen an awful movie? Again, just perver, really raising my hand. Okay, you don't know what a great movie is until you've seen an awful one. There are no, there is no. Every movie's a 10 out of 10. So think of your favorite movie Now compare that to the awful one. It's important to know what your favorite movies are so that if you're going to pick a movie, you can pick one you know you're going to enjoy.

Speaker 1:

And again.

Speaker 2:

That's a metaphor.

Speaker 1:

I got something for you. I watched a video and this is completely off topic. I watched something the other day that said that Jack from Titanic is a time traveler, and the reason being? You know the lake he used to ice fish on. He said that is a man made lake that was not created in 1912. First of all, the roller coaster that he mentioned didn't exist until 1917. So there are rumblings on the internet that he was a time traveler, and I just thought you would like to know that.

Speaker 2:

Now hold on. The fact that I used movies as a reference made you think of that. Your favorite movie is Titanic.

Speaker 1:

Now, here's the other thing. If you look at all the other James Cameron movies which James Cameron is the one who directed Titanic they're all science fiction, all of them pretty much Time travel Terminator.

Speaker 2:

So I have something for you as well. All right, go quick, go quick. I didn't expect this, did you know? I'll go quick with this. Yeah, yeah, this is important. I don't think so Probably not.

Speaker 2:

I don't know who is a fan of Titanic and or movies. Okay, jesse on the NLU team, shout out to Jesse. She came to me one time and she said I watched it again, titanic. And I was like, oh me too. 25th anniversary of Titanic came out. I went and saw it in theaters in three days. It was awesome. Okay. Now, at the end the woman in bed is passing away and in the last scene it's only the people that passed away on the ship. Did you know that? I didn't know that until the 25th anniversary. So when she closes her eyes and it's you know, it scans across the pictures and then it shows Rose meeting Jack at the stairwell. Those are all the characters that died. It's none of the characters that lived. She's there, so she's there. She died too. She died in her bed, like they say.

Speaker 1:

You know that's good stuff, but do you think or not that he was a time traveler? We didn't even get? I mean, you just avoid the question completely.

Speaker 2:

I don't think so.

Speaker 1:

No. Okay, there's other facts too. I don't remember them, but there are some other facts. I'll look them up.

Speaker 2:

I think those are probably just Jeffings in the script.

Speaker 1:

James Cameron is going to mess that up.

Speaker 2:

You know, I don't think so, I don't know man, I'll have to get some more.

Speaker 1:

If you're interested in this type of stuff, we're going to go quick with this.

Speaker 2:

Mr Andrews in Titanic. I looked him up, the real engineer.

Speaker 1:

Fascinating, did he get any context, or that's it.

Speaker 2:

No, that's it. I'm a big fan of mathematicians and engineers.

Speaker 1:

Mr.

Speaker 2:

Andrews, I like engineering and math a lot.

Speaker 1:

I know that so that's it.

Speaker 2:

It's a real person. I love when he says the ship will sink. It's a mathematical certainty. I love that. I love that quote. So, anyways, I'm done with Titanic. Well you know.

Speaker 1:

So sorry for the wasting any of the listeners' time. If you love Titanic and you have an opinion on whether or not Jack was a time traveler, maybe Amy, after she listens to this episode, will put up a poll in Next Level Nation on what do you think of?

Speaker 1:

Titanic and was Jack a time traveler? If you have not joined Next Level Nation yet, please do. It is our private Facebook group for growth-minded individuals just like you trying to get to the next level. Link will be in the show notes and we'd love to have you there, especially all of the new amazing listeners from all parts of the world.

Speaker 2:

Speaking of time travel, our next episode tomorrow is gonna talk a little bit about your future self and going there in advance. It's gonna be cool and I actually the next episode. What's it called the four S's of clarity Clarity. They came from this book, high Performance Habits. I'm holding it up right now on YouTube. We have a book club every single week. If you've ever wanted to join a book club or you want to join a book club, alan at nextleveluniversecom, email me. Say, hey, I'm in, it's completely free. I will send you the link to register. I'll actually register for you. Put your name, put your email and I'll register for you. It's every Saturday 12 30 pm Eastern Standard Time. It is a very special place for next level people to read next level books. We talk about the book from every angle, with all different walks of life. It's really really, really cool, and we're 142 weeks in, so we have been doing this for quite some time.

Speaker 1:

Please join us Tomorrow, as Alan mentioned, for episode number 1543, the four S's of clarity. Alan came to me and said hey, man, I have an idea for an episode. I said what do you got? He told me. I said that sounds like a fire episode. We'll do it. Alan's gonna lead the way on that one. So that is what we will talk about tomorrow. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we learn to fans. We have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow. And Jack was a time traveler.

Speaker 2:

Find your 10 out of 10s Next subination.

Speaker 1:

I shouldn't be allowed to do episodes after 8 pm. That was good one.

People on this episode

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host