Next Level University

#1612 - What’s The Story You’ve Told Yourself About Yourself?

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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In the realm of personal development, the journey from self-doubt to empowerment stands as a beacon of transformative change. It is a journey that beckons to all individuals seeking to break free from the shackles of their own limiting beliefs. In today’s episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros delve into this profound transformation, uncovering the intricate dance between self-perception and personal growth.

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Show notes:
(3:08) What you think you are is more important than what you actually are
(4:49) Blank canvass analogy
(8:10) Self-perception: Empowering or disempowering
(11:34) Identifying and correcting limiting beliefs
(14:35) How does one identify the limiting stories and correct them?
(17:10) Understanding feedback
(22:01) At NLU, we want you to win! So we’re giving tools and resources to ensure your success. Join our Monthly Meetup every first Thursday of the month at 6 PM.
https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/
(23:56) The impact of self and others’ opinions
(29:28) The need to selectively filter feedback to foster our personal development
(34:05) The power of self-perception and surroundings
(43:10) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Kevin:

Next level nation. Welcome back to another episode of next level university, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. We hope you enjoyed yesterday's episode, episode number 1611 the difference between high self-worth and entitlement. Hopefully you found some value in that episode. It was all over the place, very deep, very hyper conscious. Today, for episode number 1612, what's the story you've told yourself about yourself For a long time, alan, you know this.

Kevin:

I have this blanket here that I put on top of my laptop at times because it Likes to make a lot of noise. But this blanket is fudges blanket. You can't see it if you're listening, but I have a little blanket for fudge in the morning. For a long time, alan, and you Kind of knew me at this point in my life the story that I told myself about myself was that I wasn't very smart. I Probably wouldn't amount to very much. I would probably never be any level of successful. I was incapable of getting a good job. I was incapable of finding or Earning a good amount of money. I was shy, I was quiet. I Could never be a business owner. So many things, that wild, so many things it is. It's wild that it doesn't seem like it was that long ago, but it's also wild how the story I tell myself about myself now is so different and Way more empowering.

Kevin:

One of the quotes we used to say very often back in the hyper conscious days were what you think you are is more important than what you are, because many of us operate on what we think we are, oh yeah, not what we actually are. If we were able to operate on what we actually are, I'm willing to bet most of us would be way more successful. If you're watching this, if you're listening to this, and you're a beautiful human who has low self-worth and you don't think you're attractive, what you think you are is holding you back more than what you actually are. You unfortunately and that then becomes this, this self-fulfilling prophecy of, just as an example in my story I'm not smart enough, so I'll never get a good job. Therefore, I always took pretty much the first job that ever came my way, usually involving some level of physical labor. Usually involving working not so great hours, usually involving working a job that might be physically dangerous breathing in, chemicals, whatever it is Made me want to stay at jobs longer than I probably should have jobs that weren't serving me and all that created a lot of low self-worth. So I ended up in relationships that I shouldn't have At times, probably friendships where I wasn't as valued as I should have, as highly valued as I should have been, and you can see how this starts to perpetuate. So the story you've told yourself about yourself Ends up becoming the only story that you really know. Then you start to get results in alignment with that story and then it just gets harder and harder and harder and harder to break out of that story.

Kevin:

I was listening to a book and there was a, an analogy, and I I like this analogy. I thought this analogy would land really well. If you think of yourself as a blank canvas as you grow and you get older, and you get older and you get more life experience and more opportunity, a Lot of the paintings that end up on that canvas are not the paintings that you put. They're just the paintings of limiting beliefs and the paintings of traumas and the paintings of bad experiences. But eventually that's what you recognize yourself as.

Kevin:

Luckily, I had a quarter-life crisis at 26 27, and that made me question everything and I ended up going all in on self-improvement and now my beliefs are drastically different than they they've ever been, but I Don't know if the story that I was telling myself ever would have shifted Until something massive happened in my story. When I tell my story, I always tell I was sitting on the edge of a bed contemplating suicide. I was having suicidal ideations, I didn't want to be here, I'd rather be dead than continue doing what I was doing. If that didn't happen, if that didn't happen, I don't know if this story ever would have shifted. So that's what we're talking about today, again the quote that I love it's, it's super powerful.

Alan:

What you think you are is more important than what you actually are, because most of us operate on our, our thoughts, much more than reality, unfortunately what you think you are and what you actually are, and the distance between those two things is If it's inflated, then it's ego, if it's deflated, it's low self-worth, and we swing kind of between. You know it's when I first met you, kev, you were so much more than you thought you were, and there have been times on this journey where the opposite has been true.

Alan:

If you talked a little bit about that last episode yeah, the last episode that's kind of what that is is Kevin mentioned at the beginning of this episode. If everybody operated from what they really were, not what they think they are, a lot of people would be way more successful. Some people would be way less, and that's the people with delusionally high self-worth. The entitlement piece. And I go back to the Dudley versus Harry Potter. Harry Potter was so much more than Dudley, but Dudley thought he was so much better than Harry. And it's not until later on in the series that Dudley wakes up to the truth of how much delusion, you know, his parents put into him in terms of how amazing you are, you're so special, you're so amazing, you're so special, you're so amazing. And Harry was consistently waking up to whoa, I'm way more than I thought. This is wild. I was crapped on my whole childhood and turns out I'm actually more capable than I thought. Really, he's a wizard, he's a wizard.

Kevin:

Imagine if it was called Dudley Potter. Wouldn't not the same? Not the same.

Alan:

It's so funny, I got called out.

Kevin:

You wanna come over and watch Dudley Potter this weekend? No, nobody does. Nobody does okay.

Alan:

One of the team members, amy. She shouted out, shout out to Amy. She called me out. She said Alan, for the Harry Potter fans in group coaching, they're very upset with you. You said that you speak Slytherin. The correct is you actually speak Parcel Tongue. This is what it is, so that's on me that was a rookie move it was.

Kevin:

None of that means anything to me, but I assume it's awesome stuff. Yeah, it is Awesome stuff.

Alan:

All right. So with this episode, the story you've told yourself about yourself, it can be empowering or disempowering, and what I've come to understand more than anything is that it being accurate is the most useful. Here's the problem it shows. So, for example, maybe at one point and I know this might sound so trigger warning for everyone maybe at one point you weren't that smart.

Alan:

I wasn't okay, so maybe at the time, having to face that reality was actually a good thing. If your reaction to that is let me go learn, let me go work harder, let me and you built this version of yourself on I will outwork people, I have grit, I have resilience that used to be your one word, resilience. Would you have built resilience if you thought you were super smart? It's very rare to have someone who's naturally intelligent to also be super, super hardworking, and so that was kind of the chip.

Kevin:

Well, the other thing is not only did I not think I was smart, the biggest flaw that I had, the biggest story that I was telling myself, is I couldn't get smarter. That was really. The big thing is I am the way I am and this is how I'm gonna be, and there's no real growth. That's gonna happen here. That was a big piece of my story that was really holding me back Fixed mindset. Yes very much.

Alan:

It's a fixed mindset and for those listening, how do you identify? What are your? Are you shy? Are you intelligent? Are you good looking, are you not? It's so important. I do this in book club all the time because I love identity. I was so excited to do this episode because I think this is the most important what you believe about yourself is the most important.

Alan:

If you believe something about yourself that is so wildly inaccurate, you are in so much trouble. Someone who believes that they're incredible by default, with very little effort, is in so much trouble. But the opposite is also true. Or the same is true for the opposite, which is, if you believe you're worthless, you're also in trouble. And neither one is true. No, you're not amazing at everything all the time, deserving of all things, but you're also not terrible, horrible, awful, any of that.

Alan:

So these extremes get us in so much trouble, and usually those extremes come from either a really really really really positive childhood or a really, really really really negative one, and I think, statistically, luckily, most people fall in the middle. But how do you hold this duality of okay, maybe I am shy, but I can work on that. Okay, maybe I am not a great speaker yet, but I can go work on that. Okay, maybe I'm not that naturally intelligent, but I can totally work on that. And then you might be pleasantly surprised later on and go wow, I'm much smarter than I thought. Holy crap, right.

Alan:

And so I think life, I think the growth journey is consistently and sustainably just redialing in who you are, re-understanding who you are. I remember there were times in my life where I thought I was way smarter than I really was, and there were other times in my life where I thought I was way less than I really was. And I think that the growth journey is just constantly taking feedback and sifting through the BS, which is the stuff that's not true bullies, telling you XYZ or someone who doesn't really know what they're talking about, telling you about you, and then getting the other feedback and figuring out what is true, what is accurate, what is and this is the problem right. What is the right amount to be paid at this stage? Like, at this stage, what should you be okay with being paid? Isn't it so hard to figure out?

Alan:

36 million dollars, I mean yeah, it is, and this is the but I'd rather, I really believe, I'd rather be under.

Kevin:

I'd rather say you know, I'm only deserving of $75 an hour. I would just rather be under.

Alan:

I'd rather be under and then have to work my way out. Can we go into that? I don't disagree. Oh yes, we can just get Rabbi, yeah.

Kevin:

Because everything is a really pleasant, aligned surprise versus a misaligned. I mean, if I went from making $500, I went from making $120 an hour to $0 when we started this, but I don't think I was entitled to thinking I should have been making money. I was frustrated I wasn't. But then everything from there was up oh, cool, oh, I could charge $75 for a coaching call. That's awesome. And people are actually gonna pay that. Wow, okay, cool. And then it was 100 and it was 150. And then I kind of stopped doing one-on-one coaching like that. But it's progress versus saying I think I deserve 500, but nobody wants to pay it, so I'll go to 400, 300, 200, 150. That's all I'm worth. 50 versus well, you don't think you're worth anything. $50 is a lot. $50 an hour, that's good stuff.

Alan:

Yeah, $50 an hour is good stuff, but if someone and this is the philosophical question, and this is the dangerous part, going back to our last episode on delusional self-worth if someone says I'm worth 500 and then accepts no less, and then they keep thinking, they keep wanting to believe they're worth that, and then they get no business. A lot of times this happens where someone will say, well, I'm worth $500 an hour and it's like well, can I ask where that came from? It's not like they looked up the minimum wage and then calculate there was no calculation, it was just oh well, that was what I was paid two years ago. And I would dig into this and I would say well, you do realize that the economy's shifted a lot since then. And when was the last time you were paid that they're like oh, I mean, that was the only time I've ever gotten paid that it's like oh, so you just locked in on a number that was kind of out of nowhere and, by the way, that was only a couple hours a month. You're not gonna get paid 500 bucks an hour every hour, on the hour, 40 hours a week, and so that's, I think that's, and again, that's a whole nother discussion and we've come to understand that most of my thinking is in numbers, and so for people that it's not, I'll tend to be confused or offended or whatever, but at the end of the day, when it comes to the story, you've told yourself about yourself.

Alan:

To get back to the original point how do you figure out where you're off? Because there's a lot of dangerous ways to figure it out. If you go ask people, you know this is a question I used to ask all the time what's something about your industry that, unless I was in the industry, I just wouldn't know it? That's like a super curious question. Other questions I used to ask and I used to ask this to people all the time what's something about me that you don't think I?

Alan:

What's a blind spot I have? What do you think is something that I'm missing? What am I missing about myself and the problem with that. It's a really good exercise because you get feedback and then you can see yourself more accurately, which is exactly the point of this whole episode and then you can benchmark the story you tell yourself up against the actual feedback. So, for example, if Kev were to say well, I'll notice you get really insecure when X and then I'll go oh okay, interesting, but what if you are inaccurate about that? Now, all of a sudden, I'm inaccurate about myself, and so my question for the listeners, for us Kev, is how does one identify the limiting stories and correct them?

Kevin:

That's the trillion dollar I goals. You set a goal that forces you to face some of the beliefs and then some beliefs will prove you'll prove them wrong and other beliefs you'll prove right. I think that's the only way to do it. I don't know how else. I don't know how else to do it. I don't know. If you just decide one day, you know what I really wanna overcome. I wanna figure out what my beliefs are. I wanna figure out which are the ones that are empowering and which are the ones that are holding me back. I think there has to be some sort of necessity, for I'm really passionate about blank. I'm really passionate about the environment. It'll be a really good way for me to spread that passion and impact people. Maybe I'll start a YouTube channel. I don't know.

Kevin:

I've always been the shy person. I never wanted to do stuff in class and I never wanted to do presentations in college, and I'm always pretty quiet when I'm out with people, but usually people are talking about stuff I don't really wanna talk about. I don't really like school that much. In my class, I don't really like my teachers, but this is something I really like. I really like talking about the environment. Okay, let me see what that would be like. And I think that's the start. And then you realize I'm not great at this Definitely not great, but I got through it.

Kevin:

I got through it and that's cool. Check that box, that's positive. That might not be. I didn't crush it. I said, um, I swept through my clothes, whatever it is. I threw up on the in between takes, whatever whatever that journey is like. I said this to somebody today. Somebody emailed me one of our clients and I said how are you feeling? How are you feeling about recording episodes? And she said I feel terrible. I'm looking at my notes the whole time. I don't know what to say. And I said you're doing better than you think. I'm not just saying that you're doing better than you think. It's not what you need to keep going, because it doesn't matter what I think, it only matters what you think. I could tell you you're the best speaker in the world. If you don't think it, it doesn't matter, it just doesn't matter. There's no replacement for the rest.

Alan:

That never landed for me. Why wouldn't it matter?

Kevin:

Because I it doesn't matter what you think, because I, when you leave, I still have my thoughts. It's good feedback, but it's not gonna. It's not like I can just say Alan, give me something. I'm really good at Kev, you're good at connecting with people and it's like I am. I am now good at connecting with people. It just doesn't it doesn't download that way.

Alan:

Does it affect? Because by that rationale no feedback would matter.

Kevin:

You know what I mean. Feedback matters as much. Feedback only matters to the degree that you do something with.

Alan:

I think you only do something with it to the extent you believe it. So do you think? Okay? So in that case, with your client, I could tell you you're the best speaker in the world, and it wouldn't matter, because what matters is what you think. But you can influence how she thinks.

Kevin:

My job is to get her to keep doing this.

Alan:

But the only way to do that is to keep her thinking.

Kevin:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But when I send that message to her, I don't necessarily I expect that to be like a little, just a little boost of oh awesome. Thank you so much, kev, I really needed that.

Alan:

Does she think that you're honest about it? Like how does she know you're not full of it? We have a very unique relationship. I have a client who's been called beautiful by so many people and I dug into this and I said well, why don't you believe that you are? She's like I just think people are trying to be nice.

Kevin:

Like everybody.

Alan:

You think everybody's just trying to be nice, like I guess the question and I don't know the answer necessarily. But I would say that I've been able to shift my identity. I was telling Kev about this earlier. I have this sort of pyramid of responsibility and say think, do feel, believe. So say, think, do feel, believe. That's what we have control over. You can't control the economy, you can't control the world, you can't control global warming, but you can control what you say think, do feel and believe. And I told Kev I'm not good at the feel one. I don't feel like. I'm as good at shifting how I feel. I can change what I think.

Alan:

Real quick Data, like I always tell Kev, like, give me the data. $768 is the average car payment in the US. I never will forget that Now. In two years it'll be a little higher right Inflation, but at the end of the day, the data I need the data. If what you think about yourself is inaccurate and you don't update it, you'll make decisions based on an inaccurate truth. This person, this client, who's gorgeous, thinks everyone's lying about her being gorgeous, doesn't think she's attractive. Well, if you run into an attractive mate, that you A mate is probably the weird biological term of it, but someone who's attractive, who you want to ask on a date. Are you not going to ask because you don't think you're attractive? Probably Most likely.

Kevin:

Well then, that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Exactly and so.

Alan:

It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy In a way. The whole point of hyper-conscious podcast back before NLU for the new listeners was seeing things and yourself and the world more accurately. I do believe that that's the most empowering thing you can do and in my coaching that's really what I'm helping people do. The problem becomes no one sees anything accurately. Everyone's subjective, but we are all more accurate. So, for example, with Kev, you opened this episode with all the story you used to tell yourself about yourself, and now that story is completely different. But there's a seven-year journey there of consistently getting new data about yourself, getting new feedback about yourself, taking new actions and resort of shaping your identity and molding your identity. I don't know if there's a quick way to do that.

Kevin:

No, well, the wild thing is I still have stuff in my story now that I just haven't worked out yet. It's just not as detrimental, or I won't even say it's not as detrimental. It's detrimental in different ways. I still have stuff, but that's now, and then later I'll tell the story about yeah, I used to deal with blank, but I'll still have something else. I'm never going to not have something that's affecting me in terms of my story. Hopefully it's just less and less and less and less. That's the ultimate goal.

Kevin:

This beautiful person might end up getting to the place where someone says to them you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen. I like this, I like this, this is really attractive. Whatever it is, these are the qualities about you that I really admire. And then maybe this person will trust that person enough to let them get close, and then that person can help this person love themselves more. Maybe that's the journey. Then maybe that relationship is it craps out in a negative way.

Kevin:

Now that person's story might be I can't hold a relationship down to save my life, and then that's the next challenge, and then that happens, and then, whatever comes from there I fall to. The next person comes in and they say I'm ready to do it this time, I'm ready to do it this time, and then they partner with this person after a month of knowing them. Then the next thing is, I fall too fast, I give myself to somebody too quickly, and that's the story. And I just think that's why this is so hard, because it's almost like when people give advice I don't know if they're doing this intentionally and maybe we do this. I try not to. I try really, really hard not to. It's almost like they pretend they're on the last page of their story and they have it all figured out. And this is my story. When, in reality, you're struggling with something, everybody is, everybody's struggling with something.

Alan:

Everyone Always, even if the reason why is because influence is usually someone with high certainty. Someone who speaks with a high degree of certainty statistically has higher influence than someone who doesn't. But unfortunately, the person with the higher certainty is almost always more ego. I mean even you and I. When we were insecure on the microphone, we spoke with more certainty, or at least more fake certainty, and it's not like we were trying to be fake. It was just an overcorrection from insecurity and now we're okay with not really knowing, like last episode.

Kevin:

Yeah.

Alan:

Yeah, and everyone you know lately, but I would love to believe that we wake up to that at some point.

Alan:

I mean, maybe we don't, I don't know, but I do know that you can't be fulfilled unless you are honest with yourself. If you're great, I want you to be honest with yourself. If you're not, I also think it's important to be honest with yourself. I would much rather someone who's really really good looking, own that, be honest about it and understand the pros and cons of that, and then someone who's not also be honest about it. It's better for you to be honest about it. I'll give you one example.

Alan:

There was someone I coached back in the day, years and years and years ago, and she wanted to be with this guy who was way out of her league. I mean, it's not even possible from my perspective. It genuinely isn't. And I'm not trying to be unkind, but I would much rather you be honest about that with yourself and then shoot for something that you'll never get and then be alone and then regret that 20 years from now when you could have had love. You know you're going for this idealized version that you personally could never get, but no one's honest enough to actually say listen, no offense, but there's no way. There's just no way. And you don't know why that sounds so mean. I wonder if that's actually mean, what if that's really caring, what if, obviously, you have to do it in a nice way. You can't just you know that person's way out of your league, but it's very.

Alan:

I think it's caring to look at someone and look at what they say they want, look at who they are and what they're capable of and to try to articulate for them where they might be off. I told you earlier, you said something earlier. I forget what it was, but I was like Kev, I need you to say stuff like that. I need that data. I'm not offended. I need to know that that person was bad for me and you were like, well, you weren't ready to hear it. It's like, I don't know, you never tried, you know, and if you did and I was, you know, a dick, maybe there are certain things that I had said that just went right over your head.

Kevin:

That's a fair assessment. That's a fair assessment, but I could have said it in different ways. But that's the thing is. You had your own story. You already had your own story of whatever the thing was. I had my story and nobody knew whose story was truer or more accurate. Yours was more accurate.

Alan:

In this case, yours was definitely more accurate.

Kevin:

And now we know.

Alan:

And that's the thing, and this will be the last piece that I had. How do you? Okay, so everyone's story about themselves is inaccurate, but to what extent? And so for the listeners, check in how accurate are you about yourself? Self-assessment is not usually accurate. You know there's so much cognitive biases I won't. There's hundreds of cognitive biases and we're the most biased with ourselves. So, and unfortunately, if you are super attractive, most people won't tell you that, because maybe they're insecure about their looks or maybe they want to be with you or sleep with you or whatever.

Alan:

It just gets really wonky when all the feedback we get from the external world is sometimes the opposite of the truth, and some of it is true. And so I guess that's all I've got for everybody, which is seek feedback and then learn how to sift through it and try to figure out what you actually think is true, knowing there's no objective reality. But there is a way to get closer and closer and closer and closer, and hopefully you have a circle of people around you who actually care about you enough to say the good, the bad and the ugly so that you can grow. I don't think you can grow without feedback. I know you can't. And if you don't grow, you know and this gets even harder because as time passes things change Like you were good at baseball way back, but you're not good now. Oh, dear you son of a.

Kevin:

You, son of a. No, I. I caught myself watching something on Instagram the other day. I was like I could hit that pitch. You could 90 mile an hour, fastball. You know you couldn't hit it back then. What do you think? Something happened. You got better. You took enough time off and you've improved. That's not how it works. Get with it.

Alan:

That was so good. This is it Get in the arena. If you're not in the arena, you're not getting feedback and you're not updating your beliefs. You have to get in the arena and it's going to be hard because there's always going to be a distance between what is real and what's you know. You can think you can climb a mountain until you're on the mountain and then you're either going to be better than you thought or worse than you thought. And that goes back to action. Is the cure? All taking action?

Alan:

Everything's easier than it looks. You know, you get in the ring, you watch UFC and it looks easy because these are masters at their craft. They make it look easy Even they don't, but nothing about that looks that easy. So that's probably a bad example. But snowboarding I used to watch the X games they make it look easy. Trust me, I use a snowboard all the time. It is not easy, it's horrible, and everything looks easier from the surface than it is, and until you get on the mountain, you just don't really know where you fall. Maybe you're better than you think, maybe you're worse than you think, but you got to get on the mountain. I guess is the only the only really answer I have.

Kevin:

I had a breakthrough. Now, again, this came to me. This is a thought. This is my idea.

Kevin:

The reason it's so hard to believe someone when they come to you and tell you how beautiful you are, if you have a complex about your beauty is the reason you don't think you're beautiful is because there's a bunch of people who told you you weren't. And how do you know who to believe? You've gone your whole life somebody said it to you, maybe when you're, let's say, you were younger and you got made fun of for whatever it is and then that became your new story and you've been running that story for the last 15 years. And now there's people trying to help you rewrite your story. But you've been part of this story for 15 years. How do you know? You don't know who to believe that. I think that's why it's so hard, because most of these things aren't our own. They're not our story. Somebody else edited it, somebody else wrote it, somebody else made an appearance and then left. That's why it's so hard. That's one of the reasons it's so challenging.

Kevin:

And that's what sucks, because there's probably a lot of people that do tell you the real truth. But if somebody else has been telling you this false truth for a long period of time and you start to believe it, it kind of sabotages the direction. It's sad. I don't think we realize and again this is speaking to me I don't think we realize how much what we say to other people affects their lives.

Alan:

It is alarming how much that matters.

Kevin:

It's scary.

Alan:

A teacher said something, a bully said something, and maybe you weren't as attractive back then and maybe you blossomed later. I don't know. I had an ex-girlfriend who in high school was not super popular or attractive and then she was really really, really attractive later and I remember I used to try to tell her you're a lot more beautiful than you think. You don't have to be stuck in that old version if you don't want and again, I think my feedback is usually trying to empower people and sometimes that means telling them truths they don't want to hear of course, and that's why I love coaching, because that's what you're paying for.

Alan:

You're paying for feedback, you're paying for the truth. I mean, one time you called me fat. You didn't call me fat, but you said you're out of shape and that was really helpful because you helped me get back to the truth. And then I we have a strange relationship.

Kevin:

Alan and I yeah, he didn't call me fat, he just I'm being playful, but it was based on your goals. I said hey, I think you're letting it ride a little bit too much, and I was. I think when it comes to five guys, burgers and fries, you've become the sixth, you know they're not taking on anybody else.

Alan:

And, by the way, I'm the seventh yeah. I was the seventh.

Kevin:

No, I was actually the sixth. You were probably the seventh. I was there before you.

Alan:

But that's because Kevin cares, and for the listeners. Next of all, nugget, do you have someone who cares enough about you and is not insecure and who wants to see you flourished, to where they'll tell you, and they'll tell you the truth, and they won't it won't be an overcorrection from their ego. That's the thing I mean. I've gotten you know, I have past friends that would have said the same thing, but it would have been from a place of insecurity, not from a place of hey, man, like I want to see you win.

Alan:

So it's yeah, it's alarming how much other people's opinions affect our truth. It's we gotta be careful of that. You gotta let the feedback in, but also only the right feedback, and you have to know what the right feedback is that's what I'm saying and yeah, it's really quite it makes sense why achieving dreams is so hard.

Kevin:

I somebody called me four eyes. I had glasses in oh man, maybe like sixth grade Pre-high school, I believe, pre-high school I got glasses First day of school, the first day, me wearing the glasses. Somebody called me four eyes. That's one of the reasons I didn't want to wear glasses. I didn't never really like work through. I got contacts after and then I just got sick of wearing contacts so I just never wore glasses again. I didn't want to get called four-eyed. That was that was my my relationship with it.

Kevin:

And then Taryn wears glasses and she kept saying seriously, think about this. She kept saying I'd love to see you in glasses. You look so handsome in glasses, I'd love to see you in glasses. And then one day we went, or she she's like I'm making an eye appointment, do you want to come with me? And I was like yeah, whatever, I'll come with you. And then we got there and she's like are you gonna get glasses? I said, yeah, I'll get some glasses. And now I wear glasses. I don't even think about it. I like wearing them Because my wife likes them.

Kevin:

She's not gonna come before I she wears glasses too. So just think about that, Think about how again a very simple example. But think about that. I don't think about it at all. Let me see. I mean, if somebody wants to come before I, whatever it's like the dumbest, come up with something better, Come up with a better disc. That's stupid, it's dumb. But I understand if you have had trauma around that, because to that story yeah, and kids what's your next little nugget? My next?

Alan:

little nugget is-.

Kevin:

We gotta go. We're we're dug in here with 35 minutes I already said. Next little nugget, we're gonna be I already said mine, what it was I don't remember, okay, four eyes.

Alan:

You didn't say it.

Kevin:

No, I'm good. Maybe they didn't say it. I have glasses on right now.

Alan:

All right. Here's what it is when we're kids. We're all insecure, we're all mean. We don't know it.

Alan:

I was doing a I was on the track and there was these young women playing soccer in the center of the field and you should have heard the way these women talked to each other. They're in high school. They were so mean. It was like Emilia and I were on the track going whoa, you guys are really brutal on each other. No wonder why we all get so messed up, you know.

Alan:

So here's what I would say Be kind, be honest, in that order, and trust me. There have been times where I've been unkind, so I'm imperfect as well, but I try hard to be honest with myself. What I'm working on is the kind part. You need tough feedback if you're gonna grow. You can't be a terrible speaker and have everyone tell you you're a great speaker and only listen to the people who say you're great. That's a quick way to be terrible at speaking for the rest of your life and thinking delusionally. I've been there.

Alan:

What I do know is that you can't allow these deeply insecure people who are actually bullies to help you look at yourself more accurately. If people are bullies, just say you know what their feedback is BS. It's not real, it's not true, and you can tell. You can tell by their energy and you can tell by their attitude. Do they really want to help? Are they really trying to help? Do they want to see you win? You know, you know the answer. You know ignore all their feedback. But if they really want to see you win and they're saying it because they care you got to take that feedback and run with it.

Kevin:

Still most of my thunder there with that, because you got two next-level nuggets. What's yours, brother? You got a next-level stone, I got a pebble. Now maybe mine would be Just going back to the very beginning.

Kevin:

What you think about yourself is Controlling your life more than what's true. What you, the way you think about yourself, is dictating so much, so much, and that's why Awareness, the awareness of that, is so powerful. The awareness of that I would leave. I would leave with a question what is something somebody said to you multiple years ago that still Stands in your story today? That that would be it. I think that's a really good potential action item Because I just I was connecting that in real time, the four-eyes thing. I didn't realize that, I didn't realize, and this is somebody I was friendly with later, not like this person picked on me. They said at one time and I we were friendly after, and Then I have a wife who has glasses and it kind of all works itself out. Now I have glasses, glasses for 30 years because of a comment yeah, well, that's, that's how it works, unfortunately not not over here, I know you.

Kevin:

Not over here in NLE. I was gonna say this earlier you, you never liked your nose. How many people? Number one, I don't know if you ever told anybody, but if you ever told anybody, how many people would have said out, your nose is fine. I didn't even. I literally said you, I didn't even notice it. You think I'm out here scoping your nose with my magnifying glass? I Don't.

Alan:

I didn't notice it but it doesn't matter when we hide things. It doesn't get better, it gets worse, it gets. I know it gets amplified when you focus on and ruminate on. I mean, everyone ruminates on their flaws. That's another episode, but you, that's. That's such a good point you have to Try to find a way to. I think so much comes down to being around people who aren't bullies. So much being around good people.

Alan:

Yeah, it's so important because you'll get so screwed up if, if other people want you to, you know if they're dissing you and giving you an act there, they're basically just injecting distortion. I have one client I know we gotta go, one client who that I said this person has to stop. They're just every time I talk to you they got you all messed up again. You know, you and I have this great conversation every other week and Every time you go back and get feedback from that person, they're just I'm telling you they're remessing you up and you they're full of it. I promise. I promise they're not right. They're such a dick, it's such a bully.

Alan:

This person and you got to stop. You got it. You got to get away from that person. You can't win in that person's corner. You can't, and I promise I'm not lying to you. You know I'm seeing as objectively and as accurately as I possibly can and I spend my whole life trying to see as objectively and as accurately as I possibly can. And this person is messing with your head and you can't, you can't swim in muddy water and expect to be a clean glass of water. You got to get out of the toxic water if you, if you want to, you know Nutritious life.

Kevin:

Nice. I was waiting to see how you're gonna connect that. I Saw you. Anytime Alan looks away, it's like he's trying to. He's trying to come up something. That was good, strong work. I very much enjoyed this episode. There's a very hyper conscious episode. I'm very glad we did this. If you are looking for a group of humans who Are going to help you rewrite your story, in whatever way that is whether it's listening, whether it's you seeing something somebody post, whatever it may be just being around Positive people that is what next level nation, our private Facebook group, is all about. Link will be in the show notes, as always. We would love to have you there. You're safe to grow, you're safe to be yourself and, most of all, you are safe to start the process of Rewriting your story.

Alan:

The next level Dreamliner is a journal that I use every single day and it helps you rewrite your story by looking at what you're grateful for, looking at what your tasks are that you want to Get done that day, looking at your most important win, most important improvement from the previous day and looking at your next level nugget, which is what you learned about yourself, what you learned about life. Journaling is one of those ways that you consistently rewrite your own story. You consistently rewrite your own identity. You consistently redial in your own life the next level Dreamliner. The link will be in the show notes. Also, if you have not gotten your next level live ticket yet, please do. We are 37 days out during the based on the day this is launching and we are taking 60 people, six groups of 10, that day. I promise you will help you rewrite a new story.

Kevin:

And lastly, real quick first person to email me. Kevin at nextleveluniversecom Will ship you a free Dreamliner, nice tomorrow For episodes. I didn't tell Alan I was gonna do that. I was right off the cuff. I felt it. Tomorrow for episode number 1613. Do you reset your goals or reset yourself? Alan said hey, man, a lot of people are Riding the struggle bus here in February. February is a. When you get towards the middle of February it's kind of a rough month. We're into the new year. A lot of the momentum maybe has worn off. He said we should do an episode on February blues. So that's what we're gonna do tomorrow.

Alan:

It won't just be about that, but that'll be a big song about it, as always, excuse me song about it that I can perform.

Kevin:

Go on Can we get a little teaser.

Alan:

I didn't read it, but put his money where I didn't know. You're gonna sing it up all over it. I know that.

Kevin:

Tomorrow for episode no. I just said that, as always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and an L you. We got a fans, we have family, we will talk to you, all make sure you're the author of your own story.

Alan:

Next up on nation.

People on this episode

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Alan Lazaros

Host
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Kevin Palmieri

Host