#1750 - Juggling “Earning It” And Self Worth

Have you ever found yourself justifying your need for a break after a productive day, only to feel guilty for taking it? In this episode, Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros dive deep into the delicate balance between productivity, breaks, and genuine self-worth. They explore the concept of earning relaxation time and the dangers of tying self-worth to productivity. This topic is a comprehensive guide to navigating self-worth and avoiding toxic mindsets that can hinder personal growth.

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Show notes:
(1:43) The concept of "earning it."
(4:46) Defining "earning it" and its impact on relationships
(7:05) Exploring self-worth
(9:43) Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy: https://a.co/d/f1FWAQA
(10:49) Unrealistic expectations and entitlement
(13:27) The importance of grounding expecta

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

Next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1,700 and oh my goodness, I almost said the wrong number 50, not 43,. 50, juggling, earning it and self-worth. So we talked a little bit about this in a previous episode and we alluded to the fact that we should do an episode on it, and here's the reason why I was talking about how, if I get to the end of a really really successful day, a really really productive day, I feel like I earned it. I feel like I earned my R&R. I feel like I earned watching UFC this Saturday. I feel like like I earned it. I feel like I earned my r&r. I feel like I earned watching ufc this saturday. I feel like I really earned it.

Speaker 1 0:51

And I said that can be a dangerous thing to say because it's almost like someone so uh, trigger, potential trigger, warning to anybody who has any food or exercise kind of triggers. There are some times where I'll work out. Really, what can I do for you?

Speaker 2 1:08

I don't want to derail us, but I gotta share this with you.

Speaker 1 1:11

You know how on the podcast.

Speaker 2 1:12

Sometimes you have these weird thoughts that pop in and you got yeah I when you said I really feel like I earned it. I feel like I earned it. I was this close to flipping off the camera and saying earn this. Oh my god, I would never do that that's an intrusive that happened in my head yeah, and it was hilarious though it was gonna be a joke, obviously.

The concept of "earning it."

Speaker 1 1:33

Well, you should have done it, no no, no, we're, because now people are thinking what would it be like if you did? And they have far less. It's almost like I was gonna bring this like double fudge chocolate cake, and then I just didn't bring it?

Speaker 2 1:43

it, it's the thought that counts. No, it's not. Why'd you even tell me you were going to bring it? Yeah, it's not the thought that counts, but I do want you to know. I laughed hysterically by myself.

Speaker 1 1:51

I saw that because you're on camera and I can see everything that you do. Yeah, yeah, I was making a point and I was giving trigger, yeah, and when I saw you laughing I was like oh no, what's happening here? Um, anybody who has any food or like weight scale stuff, tendencies when you hear people say, I had a really good workout, I earned my cheat meal or I earned my dinner or whatever it is, I earned my sweets. I know it can feel like that when it comes to productivity and getting stuff done from the perspective of I have to do excuse me, I'm losing my voice because it's been a day I have to do a ton of work if I want to get r&r. I have to work really hard this week if I want blank, and that can become a kind of a toxic thing.

Speaker 1 2:40

So I want to have a conversation around that because I don't know I feel better when I'm earning it, but it's not because it. I don't think it helps my self-worth. I don't think it makes me feel okay with taking a break. I think, if anything, it probably connects to what we just talked about with momentum, but I know that not everybody has that experience. Have you coached someone, anyone, a human who struggles with juggling earn it and self-worth. I promise we're not laughing about the topic. I think it's just friday evening and we're both right.

Speaker 2 3:17

Yeah, I'm in a good mood. That's why that happened, because if I wasn't in a good mood, I wouldn't have thought that.

Speaker 1 3:22

Thought it's like a playful, very playful Be thinking how can you get out of here, earn this son? Have you ever worked with someone who struggled, juggling, earning it and self-worth? I think everyone does. Yeah, yeah, definitely Tell us more.

Speaker 2 3:36

Tell us more about it, all right. So let's define what earning it means, and let's define self-worth, and let's define self-worth, and let's also do that with humility, knowing that everyone's definition is a little different. Earning, it is the opposite of entitlement, it is humility plus work ethic in the direction of whatever results you want to achieve. So being with Emilia. Thank you, brother.

Speaker 1 4:05

Yeah, 7 out of 10.

Defining "earning it" and its impact on relationships

Speaker 2 4:06

So, being with Emilia, I work really hard to stay humble in my relationship, because it can be very easy to allow the law of familiarity to creep in. Aka. We've been together for five years. I live with her. I am privileged and grateful to be able to wake up next to her almost every day, but I have to remember what it was like on the first date. I have to remember how blown away I was by who she is every single day, and that's why we do the gratitude game every evening. And so earning it is.

Speaker 2 4:50

I am not entitled to be her partner. I have to earn being her partner every single day by learning her and relearning her and asking her how her day is and saying I love you, not from a place of I have to do it because I'm checking a box, but because if I stop being the best version of myself, I will lose the relationship. And that's humility, because only a arrogant person would say, oh, she would never leave me. I'm the man and and maybe no one says that outside you know externally, but they might say that inside their head, and so for me, I've been humbled too many times in life to allow that to happen. So Emilia is the greatest gift of my life and I will earn it every single day. And I told her that when we first met, I said I promise you one I will always protect your heart and I will always help you shine as bright as possible. I'm always going to earn the privilege to be with you, and the moment I become entitled and arrogant is the moment that the relationship is going to start to decay beneath the surface, for lack of a better phrasing. Okay, so that's earning it. That's a good example, I think.

Exploring self-worth

Speaker 2 5:58

Now self-worth. Self-worth is and this is a hard one for me, kev, because if you study the self-improvement space, the personal development space, the personal growth space in particular and again, all of those are kind of the same but a little different the personal development and professional development and inner work and outer work, so I've really, over the last nine years, studied upside down and sideways the entire industry, all the different books and all the different spectrums of thought. What I've found really annoying, quite frankly, is people who say, well, don't tie your self-worth to external results and don't tie your self-worth to your car and don't tie your self-worth to your physique and don't tie your self-worth to like your behaviors and don't tie your self-worth to the partner you wake up next to, and don't tie your self-worth to what home you're in and don't tie your self-worth to your childhood or you know what you say. I mean everyone. Everyone makes mistakes, so don't tie yourself. And and eventually, if you, if you fall down that rabbit hole long enough which I totally did, by the way you eventually realize that they're not tethering their self.

Speaker 2 7:10

The advice in that space, that side of the spectrum, the toxic positive side, I think there's toxic positive, I think there's toxic negative. And, kevin, and I try to drive to five and be honest, when you go deep down the toxic positive side of the personal development industry for lack of better phrasing you realize that what am I supposed to tie my worth to? It's not really. It's not tethered to anything real, and I get it. For the people that identify as spiritual, they say don't tie your worth to anything in the physical reality. I'm not for that.

Speaker 2 7:45

I think that when you do all you can with all you have and wake up every day to be the best version of yourself, I think that that's where real self-worth is built and we have a formula it's keeping the promises you make to yourself and honoring clear boundaries and investing in yourself, that kind of thing.

Speaker 2 7:58

So we have a formula. It's keeping the promises you make to yourself and honoring clear boundaries and investing in yourself, that kind of thing. So we have a formula on self-worth, but at the end of the day, you have to tether your self-worth to something in reality. You can't just be this delusional I'm worthy, no matter what I do. Like. If you're being a terrible person and tearing other people down, you shouldn't have high self-worth, in my opinion. I think that's how you become a delusional narcissist, and I think that a lot of people are very guilty of that, and so I think that there's the other side, though, of no matter how much good you do in the world, you never give yourself any credit, and I don't agree with that either, and so I think everyone has to find their, their sweet spot well, what is the?

Speaker 1 8:39

how do you juggle it? Because in my mind there's two frames. And again we speak often about the polarities somebody who is lower on the drive to five when it comes to self worth, who convinces themselves that they have to work 15 hours a day and get this done and this done and this done to be even remotely worthy of what they want. And then there's the other side of I don't have to do anything to be worthy yeah, both of those are are destructive.

Next Level Dreamliner: the planner, agenda, journal, and habit tracker to rule them all. Get a copy:

Speaker 1 9:11

I think constructive is somewhere in the middle I would agree because I think they they kind of set you up for the dangerous. They're both dangerous and these are. These are always difficult episodes, especially with limited time. The dangerous thing about being over, being entitled is the fact that you don't get any results and you blame it on other people or you say it wasn't meant to be or you blame it on the universe or I think a really good example is somebody who has unrealistically high standards for who they're going to date because they think they're entitled to.

Speaker 1 9:46

The person I'm going to date is, let's just say, this person is interested in a man. Six foot five, makes $450,000 a year, goes to the gym eight times a week you know More than once a day.

Speaker 2 10:03

Is always there when I need them.

Speaker 1 10:05

Super supportive, super supportive. And then, as you continue to run that down statistically, you get to the point where it's like you know, there's like I don't know, maybe like 25 people on the planet that are meeting this and they think they are deserving of that because that's what they want.

Speaker 2 10:22

I don't know, maybe like 25 people on the planet that are meeting this and they think they are deserving of that, because that's what they want, not that's who they are. Can we have an honest? This is it. Let's be honest about this. I had someone in my past I'll keep it anonymous who I know will be single for a very long time if she doesn't.

Speaker 1 10:34

That might have been the framework from which I was creating this story, so you're aware of potential human, this human, yes, okay, so again, huge fan of this person.

Unrealistic expectations and entitlement

Speaker 2 10:42

By the way, this is not conscious, this is an unconscious thing, but this person, in my opinion, will be single for a very long time. And the reason why is it's just a formula, and again, I'm a computer engineer, so please don't hate me for this, but I just run the formula and it's like, oh yeah, single. And the reason why is their standard for their partner is so much higher than their standard for themselves, and I know the opposite. Some people are the opposite. Their standard for themselves is 10 out of 10. Be the most supportive, most incredible. Some people on the nlu team I would consider this way the most incredible human being supportive, honest, constructive, positive. Bend over backwards, shirt off your back, do whatever, and and then they sometimes in their past, were willing to accept almost anything for to be loved.

Speaker 1 11:30

That's and that's the opposite. Yeah, that's the issue with the person who expects something that they can't get can actually end up getting some level of that partner if they have very, very low self-worth. Yeah, and that becomes a whole other episode.

Speaker 2 11:48

And then there's another thing there too, with and this is why self-worth is usually tied to relationships, but also success as well, which is the whole well, I deserve dollars per speech. And then I I ask, well, why? And they're like, well, because I want it. Yeah, and well, do. Are you a better speaker than other speakers in the marketplace? And they're like, well, I've been speaking for like a year. Okay, are you adding a certain unique value to a specific target demographic? And do these companies actually make a lot of money? And they're like, well, no.

The importance of grounding expectations in reality

Speaker 2 12:29

And I said, well, with all due respect, would you rather have one speech or 20? And they're like 20. And I'm like, well, there's not a lot of companies with a spare 10 grand for a brand new speaker. And so this is this weird duality between self-belief and self-worth and earning it versus self-worth. Kevin and I are more valuable than we used to be Because we've gone on this journey Of podcasting, speaking, coaching, training, and so we have slowly, over time, incrementally increased the amount that we make. But a lot of people want to jump that scale without any actual tangible merit, and that's like wanting to be in the nba or the nfl or the world cup, I I'll use soccer because it's international. The highest paid soccer player in the world I don't know who it is, but I guarantee you they're better than the other players statistically speaking I think it's messy okay.

Speaker 2 13:37

Is he a better soccer player than 99.9999999 percent of humans?

Speaker 1 13:42

I don't know enough about soccer, but I think he's like the best ever okay.

Speaker 2 13:47

Well, so do you believe, kev, that he should be paid more than you for soccer?

Speaker 2 13:52

um, if he could beat me one-on-one yeah, but but seriously, that's what that feels like to me when people say, well, I want someone who works out and someone who is beautiful and someone who's six foot two and someone who, you know, has a great career but also is a great family man, but also also also and so the statistics of that get rarer and rarer and rarer and rarer. And so the world is fair and unfair simultaneously. I'm not trying to deny that, and and when I? When I say fair, what I mean is if you have a better podcast than other podcasts and you add more value than others, statistically time, you're more likely to succeed. But it's also unfair, and there might be podcasts that aren't as valuable that do win because they went viral or whatever. So, to really land on something tangible here, how grounded in reality are you?

Speaker 2 14:46

I think is the question two minutes yeah, thank you for that, thank you.

Speaker 2 14:49

Apparently I'm not grounded in time no no, how grounded in reality is your expectations for yourself? And then I think the best way to move forward is to earn, earn it in advance to get to the next level and then, when you get to the next level, lock that in with your self-worth and then earn it and then lock that in and then earn it and then lock that in, like you have a new level of self-worth after the speech that you got in toronto with all those incredible successful people. But kev, some people would just jump to that identity without anything tangible and other people would go do that and still feel terrible and not good enough.

Speaker 1 15:30

So we're gonna have to do a part two. Okay, we didn't have enough time. Yeah, we didn't have enough time.

Speaker 2 15:34

Uh, cristiano ronaldo, 260 million dollars per year I would love to do an episode at some point about why that is. Because, again, it's very supply and demand. Yes, yeah, exactly, supply and demand. I mean that's a very over simplification, but you know me, I like to keep it simple. Yeah, 260 million dollars a year, it's very Supply and demand. Yes, yeah, supply and demand. I mean that's a very over-simplification.

Speaker 1 15:52

But you know me, I like to keep it simple. Yeah, $260 million a year, holy macaroons.

Earn it in advance and lock that in

Speaker 2 15:58

He's also the that's the most valuable sport in the world. It's the most valued. You don't have time. It's the most valued sport in the world and he's the Any chance you open the door for Alan to talk about the global economy or supplier demand.

Speaker 1 16:14

I love it, man, it makes perfect sense. I know, all right, what is it? July 9th, group coaching, yeah, yeah, if you want to maintain momentum through summer, summer is challenging because people are. I got invited to a 4th of July party. I was like, hey, I thank you so much, I appreciate it. I'm actually giving a speech and I'm working all day on the 4th of July. I understand you do, you. But if you want to maintain momentum throughout the summer, we have our group coaching starting. We got amazing testimonials for the last one and it's just a great opportunity. It's easy to fall off track in the summer, but you have built-in accountability with the discount code NLULISTENER. Built-in accountability. With the discount code NLU listener, you get 30% off. So we'll have the link in the show notes for that. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you, and at NLU we don't have fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow.

Speaker 2 17:02

Keep on earning it Next time on Nation.