#1832 - The Hardest Thing To Be… Is Yourself

Is being yourself harder than it seems? In today’s episode, Kevin and Alan unpack why authenticity is so brutal and how the fear of judgment can hold us back. They share personal stories of vulnerability, touching on Kevin’s battle with insecurity when telling his story and how sharing it changed lives. They also highlight how overcoming social fears is vital to achieving goals. Listen for real-life examples and insights on how embracing yourself can inspire and help others.

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Show notes:
(02:06) Why authenticity is challenging and vulnerability hurts
(04:14) The power of sharing your story despite judgment
(06:55) Kevin’s story about sharing personal struggles and its impact
(08:15) Social courage vs. competence courage in pursuing goals
(12:

🎙️ Hosted by Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

Next Level University is a top-ranked daily podcast for dream chasers and self-improvement lovers. With over 2,100 episodes, we help you level up in life, love, health, and wealth one day at a time. Subscribe for real, honest, no-fluff growth every single day.

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:00

the only difference is you see it in real time, whether you're watching or listening, because this is there's no way to not see it, because we do this every day and this is such a big part of our lives.

Speaker 2 0:12

I just am so computer engineering, long-term strategic thinking, high self-belief, high competence, type A Alan lately, and it feels really fulfilling and it feels really good and simultaneously it feels super vulnerable.

Speaker 1 0:31

Welcome to Next Level University. I'm your host, Kevin Palmieri.

Speaker 2 0:36

And I'm your co-host, Alan Lazarus.

Speaker 1 0:39

At NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Speaker 2 0:45

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health and wealth.

Speaker 1 0:52

We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success.

Speaker 2 1:08

Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Speaker 1 1:14

Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1832, the hardest thing to be is yourself. I said a quote one time I am very wise with my quotes, evidently and it was something along the lines of sometimes the hardest thing to be is yourself. And Alan was like wow, man, that is some profound stuff you have there. And here's the reason why Again, I'm joking, I'm in a weird mood. I've been in a weird mood I don't know Some of the funnest times I've ever had podcasting. Don't know why, but I'm all for it.

Speaker 1 2:06

One of the reasons being yourself is so hard is if you pretend to be somebody else and people don't like you, you don't take it personally. And if you are authentically you and you are all of yourself and you get negative feedback, it hurts more. Imagine you did a painting and you went and showed it to someone you cared about and you said look, I spent a lot of time on this. What do you think? And they said that looks terrible. That is the worst piece of trash I've ever seen in my entire life. You might say I know, I'm just kidding, I wasn't even. I mean, it was just kind of a joke. I did it one night, immediately. You are trying to create distance between taking it personally and it just being. I didn't even. No, no, no, of course, of course, no, no, of course. It's terrible, I was just messing around.

Speaker 1 2:50

I was on a podcast today with a wonderful human from new delhi, india, new delhi, new delhi, delhi, I think, new delhi and she said I thank you so much. I know similar to your inception story. She said thank you so much for telling your story. At what point did you realize that your story could help people? And I said oh my God, I have never been asked that question. Nobody in 900 and some odd podcasts has ever asked me that question. That is a great question and I said I honestly, I honestly don't know.

The power of sharing your story despite judgment

Speaker 1 3:23

I remember we talked about it on the podcast. Alan interviewed me about mental health. We connected the fact that so many of the guests we had on had these journeys of working through adversity and then using their adversity as their advantage to help other people avoid their adversity. Then we started talking about our stories and then I was blown away at how many times I would go on another podcast and they would say I love your story, I want to talk about it. I thought I would have to be very smart and very just super smart on a topic, and that's what every podcast was going to be, and the majority of podcasts are let's talk about your story and then see what happens. But in the beginning I was definitely far more insecure about telling my story than I am now and I was far more nervous about the judgment that may come with it, and that's kind of what we're talking about here today.

Speaker 1 4:14

The hardest thing to be is yourself. The hardest story to tell is yours. The hardest skin to live in can be yours, because you're more afraid of the judgment that you're going to get when you are authentically you. I think that's why authenticity is so hard, because when you're not living behind a mask, there's nothing to take the brunt of the pain and you just have to eat it, and that can suck. But on the other end of that fear of judgment is maybe inspiration or maybe somebody reaching out to you. Maybe it's somebody making a different decision because you shared about yours.

Speaker 2 4:55

So that is kind of what we're talking about here today did you know, oh my goodness, that the chief operations officer of our company, the one, christina, who came into our orbit five years ago, would never have listened to the Hyperconscious podcast if she didn't hear your story about your suicide, suicidal ideation? I did not know about your suicide, suicidal ideation, I did not know. That was what drew her in, because she has experienced to some degree. She didn't share this with me, but I'm assuming she has experienced that to some degree, and when she told me that I remember thinking to myself luckily he tells that story because we wouldn't have the amazing chief operations officer. It's just wild how one thing kevin did six years ago can change everything yeah, it's it's.

Speaker 1 6:01

And again, I I can understand if you're out there, it's not the same right, you're, maybe you're not sharing on a public platform or whatever it is, but whatever being more authentically you means, and it's really easy to lose sight of it. I've shared my story hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times. It's very easy to lose sight of. It's not just going through the motions of me telling my story. There's a point to this. There's a reason to this. There is a why underneath this. This is like a thing. It's not. Yeah, I always try to tell it a little bit better and I always try to be a little bit more emotional and I always try to, I try to make sure it makes more sense and it's easier to hear right. But the point is, this is my story and this is hopefully inspirational for you, or it's something, it's perspective for you or whatever it is. There's a goal underneath it. The goal is to inspire. The goal is to show progress.

Speaker 2 6:55

I went on a podcast earlier today with a woman named Courtney. Kevin was on this podcast. I always love when I go on shows that Kevin's already been on and I always say tough act to follow. I see love when I go on shows that Kevin's already been on and I always say tough act to follow.

Speaker 1 7:10

I see if they laugh. Did she laugh? Yeah, nice Court and I, we're buds, we've been talking. I went on her show like six months ago. We talk a lot. She's sweet, very sweetheart.

Social courage Vs. Competence courage in pursuing goals

Speaker 2 7:17

She's good people, huge heart, definitely growing a ton through podcasting, just finished her first year of podcasting and she is ahead of where we were in our first year, so I said that Hopefully that was encouraging for her. So, courtney, if you're out there listening, I got permission in advance, by the way, to share this story. We were on the interview and she said I lost 100 pounds. I used to be 250 pounds and if you were to know who this woman is and you were to see her Instagram, you would never think that she is very lean and in shape and looks great. I was whoa, really. That's awesome. So it's so important for her to share that because that context changes everything and I realize now too, my story, kevin's story, everyone out there listening and viewing.

Speaker 2 8:15

Think about your story. There was someone from my past who we worked with very closely. She was one of my very first clients and she said I never really resonated with you until after I knew your story that's when I was all in because you seemed to me like a confident silver spoon or you seemed like someone who had everything handed to him white, caucasian, american, male, tall, blonde hair, blue eyed, you seemed like, and I was really fit back then. So you seemed like you had it all and you seemed like you always had it all. It wasn't until I learned about your childhood that I resonated with you and realized and that was inspiring. And so for everyone out there watching or listening courtney sharing that she was 250 pounds overweight, low self-worth, didn't like herself, struggle bus, struggle, bus, struggle, bus, inspired the hell out of me in that moment. And she shared how, on that journey, when she tried to share it with people, she was accused of doing drugs, she was accused of fat shaming, she was accused of all this stuff. She got a lot of villainized. She got villainized a lot. She got a lot of hate, and I think that all of us do.

Speaker 2 9:27

In the beginning, and I I playfully said this to her and I said there's two types of courage. There's competence courage, which is your. It takes some courage to step on the microphone and try to be a good speaker. That's competence courage. But then posting that clip from the podcast on Facebook is social courage. Doing the thing is competence courage. It's the social courage that I always struggled with and I say this is why most people and I say this to my clients too this is why you post things on TikTok that you won't post on Facebook, because you, like me, have all of your judgmental relatives on facebook and I'm not trying to call out your relatives, I'm saying I've coached hundreds, if not thousands, of people.

Speaker 2 10:18

At this point, there's no one who's not a little bit scared of going live on Facebook, sharing their whole background. If we were on Facebook Live right now, kev, I would be a little bit more concerned. I would still overcome that fear, I would still share everything I'm sharing, but I would be a little more concerned if my mom or my aunt or my friend from high school or my college friend was watching. It's the people in our inner circle from our past that we are so afraid. I mean, I talked about Kiki on the last episode, and what if he's watching? And what if he gets offended by what I said? And what if, what, if, what, if, what, if?

Speaker 2 11:02

And so I talked to this woman, courtney, and I said social courage, in my opinion, is going to be 90 of your success. I can tell that behind the scenes you're doing it and you got to be disciplined and you got to do it and you got to keep after it. You got to stay consistent. You got to have grit, you got to rock and roll. I'm with you, but I think social courage is going to do it because and she gave me permission on Instagram explicitly to share all this because you are so scared to put yourself out there because of when you tried to put yourself out there about losing a hundred pounds, you got accused of bragging, you got accused of using drugs, you got accused of blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 2 11:42

And I said you're never going to amplify I've been saying this a ton. I said this yesterday on yesterday's episode, which I reviewed today, by the way, kev, you're never going to amplify the positive thing if you're super, super scared of the negative thing that comes with it. And you cannot inspire people without putting yourself out there, and you cannot put yourself out there without courage and vulnerability. And that I said this to Courtney on the episode. I said half of the stuff that I just shared with you in my 10 minute story, because she asked me about my childhood and my birth father and my stepdad and all of that. I said half of what I just shared with you, if not more. I could not have shared with you on a public medium five years ago.

Speaker 1 12:30

Next Level Nation. What is happening? If you've thought to yourself I want to try coaching, but you don't really know where to start, group coaching would be a wonderful place for you. That's really why we created it in the first place. We start a new round every 90 days. So if you're hearing this, go to the website nextleveluniversecom and we have the landing page where you can actually hold your spot right now. Even if there's a group going on right now, you can still lock your spot for the next one. The biggest thing that we've seen is, as we get closer and closer to the date, unfortunately, some people end up missing. The group fills up and they can't do it, and then they end up regretting that. So please head over to the website. The link will be in the show notes and we would love to see you there.

Speaker 2 13:14

So you and I, kev, we underestimate how far we've come in this, because even some of the things I shared about my childhood on yesterday's episode I was so vulnerable last night I could could feel it's almost like you feel a little bit naked, it's did I seriously just say that I believe it's possible I could be president now behind the scenes. That's fine. I I already think that. I already believe that I do think it's possible. Saying that on air, on a public medium, is so icky?

Speaker 1 13:43

yeah, I was nervous. I was nervous for you, not for me. I was nervous for you, not for me. I was nervous for you.

Speaker 2 13:47

You were vulnerable through me and then I listened to it. I watched it today, Partially because I want to review the show and I enjoy it. The other part of it is to see what it sounds like listening, Because I'm insecure about that. But last night he was like you, okay, I said yeah, I'm just very me lately. This is very me, I'm not. I think the old me used to pretend I didn't believe in myself and pretend I struggle with self-doubt and pretend that and I just am. So computer engineering, long-term strategic thinking, high self-belief, high competence, type A Alan lately and it feels really fulfilling and it feels really good and simultaneously it feels super vulnerable and I understand, because I think I'm doing kind of the opposite.

Speaker 1 14:45

The interesting thing about I know we've been talking a lot about podcasting lately, but it is one of the things we do more than anything else the interesting thing about having a show where you do an episode every day is there really is no way to hide who you are and who you are becoming. Yeah, I guess you can, but it probably doesn't feel very good. The last thing you want to do is feel like a fraud and feel like you're pretending to be someone else. And on other podcasts I've been very honest lately where, I'll say, somebody asked me about work-life balance the other day and I said I don't think I'm the right guy to answer that because I'm probably the best I've ever been at it, but I'm not. I still work a ton and some days I don't go to the gym because I'd rather work. It's more important for me to work than go to the gym. Other nights you and I work late.

Speaker 1 15:37

This week was kind of a later week for us because there was just so much going on Group coaching team call. You had the relationship talks event, so some of the podcast episodes it was like, yeah, 7 o'clock or 6.30 or whatever. Whatever time it is, it is what it is. So I didn't finish really till late this week. So I said I don't know if I'm really the person to answer the question. I'll try to give you an answer. Question, I'll try to give you an answer. I'll try to give you value. But I've just been trying to lean more and more into that.

Speaker 1 16:05

When I'm on a show and I don't have a good answer sometimes I'll just try to say that, where I used to think I had to have an answer for everything, and if I didn't have an answer I wasn't valuable, and if I didn't have an answer I wasn't smart, and If I didn't have an answer I wasn't a good guest. That was. That's the thing I've been going through lately, where I just want to be me I, for for all my life my goal has just been to for me to be enough. That's it. And then I think that's. I think that's a normal experience. So if, if you is too much, you dumb it down, so it's just enough, and if you isn't enough, you over, you puff up until it is enough. And that's why people say fake it, so you make it, but that's. I think again, that's a bumper sticker thing, but yeah, that's really now.

Speaker 1 16:54

I just I think that's one of the reasons I've been in such a good mood lately is I'm just trying to be me. I just I don't know. I don't know what I'm going to say, I don't necessarily know what my lesson is going to be for this episode. I just want to be me and I think that's why I've been leaning more into humor and I've been much more lighthearted. But that's just.

The importance of social courage and why authenticity is key in podcasting

Speaker 1 17:14

The only difference is you see it in real time, whether you're watching or listening, because this is there's no way to not see it, because we do this every day and this is such a big part of our lives.

Speaker 1 17:25

But again, that's why I always go back and I know we have to hop here in a minute. That's why I always go back to the fact that I want this show to be as much of a journey for Alan and I as it is for whoever is watching or listening, because you are going to grow with us and you're going to struggle with us and you're going to laugh with us and cry with us, and all of that it's going to be with us because we're doing the same thing. I think that's like the most common misconception is. When you're listening to someone who has a result, they have everything figured out, and I think I'm guilty in the past of not talking about the stuff. That sucks, probably, but I still think we did probably more than your average podcast. So, yeah, I don't know. Whatever all that is. Wrap it up with a bow, and that's my current state of thoughts.

Speaker 2 18:17

I think the I don't believe that you can achieve your goals and dreams without putting yourself out there, and I think that putting yourself out there her and I again, cordy and I before this I was on an hour long interview with her, so it's fresh I talked about the first couple years and how hard it was and how she said, yeah, people lash out and they say they make fun of you and all this kind of stuff when you start a podcast.

Speaker 2 18:51

And I said, oh, yeah, I remember. And I remember and I playfully said I think I cried for like two years. I remember and I playfully said I think I cried for like two years. The truth is, I remember regularly I would say once every two months at least I would cry by myself about how poorly I was being treated by my old friend group. And she said, yeah, and isn't it interesting how eventually they're going to come back and say they believed in you? And I said, courtney, that happened, that happened. People came back and said things like I'll never forget this. I was on an interview once that made it look like I was on a TV show in a city.

Speaker 2 19:35

I think you know what I'm referring to and there was someone who commented and said I always knew you'd do something big and this person hates me. They've vehemently expressed to friends of friends that they hate me. And he commented, saying I always knew you'd do something big and he doesn't comment on anything else we gotta get you another tv show, son.

Speaker 1 20:04

What are we doing? I don't but I know, yeah, I know you are the weird part about that.

Speaker 2 20:13

I've had people reach out and say I always believed in you also. No, you didn't. No, you didn't at all At all, not even a little bit. If anything, you were vehemently against everything I was doing and, by the way and this is hopefully going to land for every dream chaser out there, I don't need you to believe in me now.

Speaker 1 20:37

Yeah, I needed you back then.

Speaker 2 20:38

I needed your support. First of all, I don't need anyone to believe in me Because, if anything, it just pissed me off and motivated me. So that's good, thank goodness.

Speaker 1 20:47

But I know, that's not the case for everybody. Oh yeah, I'm the opposite, so please.

Speaker 2 20:51

But I did need Love and support. I wanted love and support. It turns out I didn't need it. Uh, love and support, it turns out I didn't need it and I got some of it, but, quite frankly, not much. I can't authentically say that I got much love and support, to be completely honest, from my past circles and none of my past circles are really a big part of my new circles. But that's going to happen. In the beginning you're going to get some people who support you because it's new and that's great and that's going to trickle out. Once it's not new anymore, some of it will stay and those are the true people that are always there. And then you're going to get some people who are vehemently against you. Some people will put wind in your sails, some people will be neutral and some Some people will put wind in your sails. Some people will be neutral and some people will take wind out of your sails.

Speaker 2 21:46

But if you're a dream chaser and you have a goal or you have a dream, I know we got to go. You have. It's up to you, it's your responsibility. You have to power through that. Maybe it's competence, courage.

Speaker 2 21:58

Maybe you aren't good enough at or smart enough yet. Maybe you aren't a strong enough speaker yet, maybe you need to take a course, maybe you need to read a book, maybe you need to be more consistent, maybe you need more grit, or maybe you're a social coward, like I was, and maybe you've never really had the courage to be fully you and you're going to have to do both of those things. If you want to win. You're going to have no choice. You have to to, and we could not have gotten here if we didn't consistently do that, and I think that that's the hardest thing is to be fully you. Either you're afraid you're not enough and you need to own that and share your suicidal ideation, like you did, or you're afraid you're too much and completely unrelatable and you need to share who you really are, because that actually can help people too. So so, whoever you are, be a great one and amplify the hell out of it.

Outro

Speaker 1 22:44

If you are looking to amplify who you are. Next level group coaching round 16 starts October 8th, 5 pm Eastern Standard Time. With the discount code NLU Listener at checkout ends up being $93, sorry, $96.60. And you get four calls per month. So it's like $24 call a rare bargain, a bargain at twice the price. Alan has a podcast. We have to go, as always. We love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and at nlu, united fans, we have family. We will talk to you all tomorrow. Please reach out. Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Speaker 2 23:23

We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Speaker 1 23:32

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow. You.