Next Level University

Is It Your Job To Change The People Around You? (1976)

• Kevin Palmieri and Alan Lazaros

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Are you carrying more responsibility for someone’s success than they are? In this episode, Kevin and Alan explore the fine line between helping and overextending. They discuss setting boundaries, avoiding burnout, and knowing when to step back. Tune in to learn how to support others without losing yourself.

Links mentioned:
Next Level Live 2025 - Saturday, April 5th, 2025 (10:00 am to 5:00 pm) - https://bit.ly/4aTwC7Q
Free 30-minute Coaching Call with Alan - https://bit.ly/4f3MSUz
Next Level Dreamliner: https://a.co/d/9fPpxEt

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NLU is not just a podcast; it’s a gateway to a wealth of resources designed to help you achieve your goals and dreams. From our Next Level Dreamliner to our Group Coaching, we offer a variety of tools and communities to support your personal development journey.

For more information, please check out our website at the link below. 👇

Website 💻  http://www.nextleveluniverse.com

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Any of these communities or resources are FREE to join and consume
Next Level Nation - https://www.facebook.com/groups/459320958216700
Next Level 5 To Thrive (free course) - ​​https://bit.ly/3xffver
Next Level U Book Club - https://bit.ly/3BQBYDr
Next Level Monthly Meet-up:  https://www.nextleveluniverse.com/monthly-meetups/

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We love connecting with you guys! Reach out on Instagram, Facebook, or via email. We’re here to support you in your personal and professional development journey.

Instagram 📷
Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/neverquitkid/
Alan: https://www.instagram.com/alazaros88/

Facebook ✍
Alan: https://www.facebook.com/alan.lazaros
Kevin: https://www.facebook.com/kevin.palmieri.90/

Email 💬
Kevin@nextleveluniverse.com
Alan@nextleveluniverse.com

LinkedIn ✍
Kevin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kevin-palmieri-5b7736160/
Alan: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alanlazarosllc/

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Show notes:
(3:30) Relationships are always growing or fading—there’s no middle ground
(4:35) How much responsibility should you take for others?
(6:51) The difference between responsibility and martyrdom
(10:05) The weight of taking responsibility in business and partnerships
(12:06) The danger of pouring energy into someone who isn’t ready
(14:50) Meet like-minded people and jumpstart your journey to achieving your dreams while optimizing your life. Join Next Level Group Coaching. https://bit.ly/4eE5RF5
(18:33) Balancing responsibility for yourself Vs. Others
(23:10) The connection between responsibility and regret
(25:49) Outro

Send a text to Kevin and Alan!

Kevin Palmieri:

You're putting so much time, energy, effort and focus into trying to help someone, they're not taking it and then you start to resent that person and then it screws up the relationship. When it's the well, I want the relationship to be here, the other person doesn't want the relationship to be there. I want them to be the way I want them to be, and they're never gonna be. I think that's when this conversation is really important, because if you want something more for somebody else than they want it for themselves, I think you're kind of setting yourself up for disaster.

Alan Lazaros:

I don't think it's taking responsibility that's the problem. I think it's taking too much responsibility or too little responsibility that's the problem. I think responsibility is great, but if you take responsibility for the whole world, you better be ready for a lot, a lot of mirrors welcome to next level University.

Kevin Palmieri:

I'm your host, kevin Paul Mary and I'm your co-host, alan Lazarus at NLU, we believe in a heart-driven but no BS approach to holistic self-improvement for dream chasers.

Alan Lazaros:

Our goal with every episode is to help you level up your life, love, health and wealth.

Kevin Palmieri:

We bring you a new episode every single day on topics like confidence, self-belief, self-worth, self-awareness, relationships, boundaries, consistency, habits and defining your own unique version of success.

Alan Lazaros:

Self-improvement in your pocket, every day, from anywhere, completely free.

Kevin Palmieri:

Welcome to Next Level University, next Level Nation. Welcome back to another episode of Next Level University, where we help you level up your life, your love, your health and your wealth. Today, for episode number 1976, we're gonna do an episode that alan absolutely hates. This episode is my idea and I've had it written down for like months and it just never was the right time, and I think today is the right time. Is it your job to change the people around you? What would you say?

Alan Lazaros:

One word, no, ooh, that's changed a lot Influence.

Kevin Palmieri:

It's your job to influence the people around you.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah.

Kevin Palmieri:

Okay, how do you decide when you've taken on more responsibility for somebody else's growth than you should? So I'm probably asking the wrong guy here, no offense.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, for sure, for sure, for sure. Which is no? Which is why?

Kevin Palmieri:

alan didn't want to do the episode, understandably. So yeah, because I mean?

Alan Lazaros:

well, it depends always. So my question for you to answer your question with a question is do I aspire to have these individuals in my future?

Kevin Palmieri:

Do you aspire to have these people in your future?

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, but it could be naively done. At what level will they be in my future? Will they be very, very close to me, or will they be acquaintances?

Kevin Palmieri:

I would say, just play it like it's happened in the past, like what's the average? What has the experience been so far?

Alan Lazaros:

But here's the thing Everything is either growing or dying. Everything and a relationship is either growing or dying. Everyone out there watching or listening. You think of a relationship in your life friend, family, you name it. That relationship is either blossoming or it's sailing farther away. You're either getting closer, closer, closer proximity, or farther and farther and farther away.

Kevin Palmieri:

There is no running in parallel. Let me get us back, because we have a shortened. Today is a shortened episode Because we're out here just trying to figure out life. It's been a day, it's been a day, it's been a week. It's only Tuesday. What would you? Okay, this is something you've dealt with. This is a pain that you've dealt with and grown through. What advice would you give to somebody else, somebody who doesn't have level 12 self-belief, somebody who maybe is less naive than we were at the beginning? What advice would you give them now, based on what you understand, if you could do your best to take yourself out of the equation?

Alan Lazaros:

It would depend on their core wound, it would depend on their goals and dreams. So a lot of this depends, but I know that's not why you're asking. I would say the level of responsibility that you take for other people's future needs to be entirely predicated on the amount that you want them to be in your own. But ultimately, you are responsible for your own future. But this gets really challenging because if you have children, you're responsible to some extent for their well-being and their shelter and food and education. So this is the truth.

Alan Lazaros:

How much responsibility are you taking out there? So, for example, I've unconsciously, when I was younger, when my stepdad left, I took responsibility for my family's future without realizing it and it was, oh okay. So there's no generational wealth, there's no dad, there's no trust fund, there's no, there's no nest egg, there's no retirement plan. Like, I'm going to have to build a career that makes sure that our future is sound, and I think that that ended up being a really challenging thing, but also really powerful, because the bigger, the bigger the responsibility that you squat in this metaphor, the stronger your legs get or you get crushed by the bar. So I would give someone the advice of how? How much responsibility are you taking for your own future? And then, do you also want to take responsibility? So, for example, you're married, so you take responsibility for you and Taryn's future together, but she also takes a piece of that responsibility. Is it as big as the piece that you take? I don't know, but that's what I would say is all of us you and I at NLU, we've taken responsibility for not just our future, but for helping pour into our community Emilia, taryn, the NLU team like that's the difference between being on the team and not being on the team. Let's be real the moment you're on the NLU team, you and I take more responsibility for pouring into them and helping them flourish.

Alan Lazaros:

And so this is a very, very, very challenging conversation, because anyone who takes responsibility for only themselves, that's, that's not a life of service, and that's why people say, when you go into the service, you're taking responsibility for the country's well-being when you go into the service, and that's way bigger than just you. But is that good, is that bad? I mean, would you die for your country? I mean this is where that philosophical discussion happens. And I don't hate this topic, by the way. I think it's really powerful. I think I don't know how to articulate it, so what would you say?

Kevin Palmieri:

It's hard. I don't know if I would have a better answer. I would say I think the difference is with a lot of things. You sign your name on a line that says you're going to take responsibility, and I think that's. The difference Is maybe there's's two. Again, having having children is a completely different thing and I can't speak to it because I don't have any and I don't know. I don't, I don't know. I just don't know that well enough. But I would say Tara and I have taken different responsibilities when it comes to our marriage.

Kevin Palmieri:

I am definitely more the long term. I'm more focused on financial long term, 100% Right, but that's what was kind of agreed upon when we got together. Like, I'm going to be a business owner, I'm an entrepreneur, I'm going to grind my face off. I don't want you to have to eventually. If you don't want to, it's up to you. I'm never going to tell you you can't. I'm not that type of person. But if you decide one day that you have a different passion that you want to pursue, I want to make that realistic and sustainable for you. It would be different if she just expected that of me. I think that's where the relationships can get wonky.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, and that's the entitlement conversation. Yeah, and that's the entitlement conversation.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, and I think that's if you're around. I always like to use friends with this, because when it is family it's hard, and again Alan and I both have weird relationships, with relationships in our own unique way, but it just it can't be unless you love someone so deeply and you love them as much as you love yourself, more than you love yourself, maybe. I think it's very dangerous to have more responsibility for somebody else than you do yourself and I think those are like very small buckets.

Alan Lazaros:

Taryn for sure, my family for sure, you for sure, but there's a Matt for for sure, but there's a Matt for sure, but there's a very small bucket of people but you're more responsible for yourself than you are for us, for sure, yeah, but if, like we would be, let's say, level 10 level of responsibility for Kevin Palmieri what you say, think, do, feel and believe your own future. Level 9 responsibility for Taryn. Level 8 responsibility for so NLU as a business owner and I know this is not everyone out there is a business owner, but I just want to use this as a metaphor. Kevin and I had a hard conversation in the past that I had to have with him because he's my business partner.

Alan Lazaros:

I am responsible for the success or failure of next level university and I take that on fully. Next level university and I take that on fully, and we literally legally signed our name on that one. So I you can't just fuck off and have me be okay with it, because this, this is our responsibility. And if you don't want that responsibility, you and I need to renegotiate. And I think that maybe it's more clear to people when I sign a credit card and say, okay, I'm going to pay this back, so Kev's getting a MacBook for video editing and I have an Apple card that we put it on, I sign my name to take responsibility for that. That's totally fine. I mean, it's just a monthly payment, no big deal, it's good Same money.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, and we could easily pay it right now in full, but we would rather do it monthly, zero percent, apr, whatever. This isn't a finance conversation. The point is is I signed my name and I'm taking full responsibility for whatever comes of that legally. But I think we're all doing that unconsciously with a bunch of stuff. We just aren't signing our name, and I never realized how much the actual signing of your name like. When we decided to build a self-improvement company, you and I literally signed our name. Hey, we're gonna, we're gonna do this thing, we're gonna build this company and we're gonna take 50 50 responsibility for this company. And that's why I've had to hold kevin to a different standard than I have, to hold some acquaintance of mine too. And I think that when you say, do I take responsibility for others in my life with you way more, yeah for sure I take responsibility, like if emilia fails in business.

Alan Lazaros:

Sorry to interrupt, if emilia fails in business, I consider that a lot my fault. I'm like, really good at business. She, she should win, she is winning. And I remember there was a time in our relationship where I was like, ah, they're off, they're not on it. I don't know how to explain it, but I got to get under the hood. You remember me telling you I got to get under the hood of this business. I got to help them align and so, unfortunately, you can end up being a martyr if you do this with too many people. And that was my mistake in the past, because I, my best friend Kiki, we wanted to go to WPI together and he didn't get in, but before that I was, of course, helping him try to do better so that we could go to WPI together. That was our dream, and I think, in hindsight, I probably shouldn't have done so much of that.

Kevin Palmieri:

Well, I think it's, if you think of it, as I think we have a framework, there's many frameworks, but it's like the 10 circles.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, yeah, yeah I think that's a really good the relationship ripple effect.

Kevin Palmieri:

Yeah, I think that's a really. This is the honest truth. If, if Taryn texts me, there's no message that matters more than that one, exactly, if I'm with Taryn and then Alan messages me, there's no message that matters more than that. And this is the hard truth. And again, we've definitely suffered from martyrdom in many ways together.

Alan Lazaros:

Well, let's explain why Number one, that's your wife, that's my wife. And then number two business partner.

Kevin Palmieri:

Business partner.

Alan Lazaros:

So it has to be that way, based on the responsibility the collective responsibility we've and what I've signed up for.

Kevin Palmieri:

So here's the thing If you are watching or listening and again, please ride with me on this, because it might sound negative, but I don't mean it that way If you're an NLU family member and you reach out to me and it takes me a week to get back to your DMs, I suck and that happens. But the truth of the matter is most likely it's because there's other things and or other responsibilities that I have to take care of. Now here's the other side of that. If you reach out to me and say you listen to NLU, I'm going to get back faster to you than somebody who reaches out to me. That doesn't, because that's the way it's set up.

Kevin Palmieri:

I just think it's dangerous when it becomes unsustainable. When you're putting so much time, energy, effort and focus into trying to help someone, they're not taking it and then you start to resent that person and then it screws up the relationship. When it's the well, I want the relationship to be here. The other person doesn't want the relationship to be there. I want them to be the way I want them to be and they're never going to be. I think that's when this conversation is really important, because if you want something more for somebody else than they want it for themselves, I think you're kind of setting yourself up for disaster.

Alan Lazaros:

Well, the problem is that a lot of times people say they want something really bad, but then their actions don't necessarily follow.

Kevin Palmieri:

Next level nation. What is happening? If you've thought to yourself I want to try coaching, but you don't really know where to start, group coaching would be a wonderful place for you. That's really why we created it in the first place. We start a new round every 90 days. So if you're hearing this, go to the website nextleveluniversecom and we have the landing page where you can actually hold your spot right now. Even if there's a group going on right now, you can still lock your spot for the next one. The biggest thing that we've seen is, as we get closer and closer to the date, unfortunately, some people end up missing. The group fills up and they can't do it, and then they end up regretting that. So please head over to the website. The link will be in the show notes and we would love to see you there.

Alan Lazaros:

There's a commitment to consistency page on the Next Level Dreamliner. You say I, alan Lazarus, promise to myself I will use this streamliner on a daily basis, stay consistent, keep an open mind, get outside of my comfort zone and not give up on myself. And I sign Alan H Lazarus. Beautiful little cursive.

Kevin Palmieri:

I think it's the only cursive I can do. Let's be real, yeah, same.

Alan Lazaros:

And then the 17th of September 2024. So I've had this one for a long time, but the point here is a lot of us are unconsciously signing things that we don't realize we're signing. So, for example, if you sign up for my coaching, we literally call it sign up. I don't have you sign anything. There's no long-term commitment Like you cancel any time, that kind of thing, but Emilia has said well, wouldn't people take it more seriously if they signed something? I say so yeah, maybe, and maybe that's true, maybe I should do that. I'm not sure if I'm gonna. That's not the point of this episode. For anyone with an opinion, please keep it to yourself when it comes to that.

Alan Lazaros:

The point that I'm making, though, is, if I'm your coach and I've had to say this to clients, I am taking some of the responsibility of your future external success and internal fulfillment, and that means that I'm going to have to share things with you that I genuinely don't want to share with you. Do I have permission in advance to tell you something that might hurt, because I do believe it will help, even though I might be wrong? I was on with a client recently. I coached him and his wife, and we realized that I was wrong about something and I was like dude. And he's like, well, what about this? And I said, dude, I was wrong. Truth is I was wrong about that, I was inaccurate, my bad I'm, I'm leading the best I can. I'm never going to be perfect and no one's fully right or fully wrong about anything. It's a spectrum.

Alan Lazaros:

And so when you say, should you take responsibility for the people in your life, I mean this is a slippery slope. If someone breaks into your house, are you not going to save your friend? Of course you are, but should you die for your friend? I don't know. Right, and so all of us have to. I don't think it's taking responsibility. That's the problem. I think it's taking too much responsibility or too little responsibility. That's the problem. I think responsibility is great, but if you take responsibility for the whole world, you better be ready for a lot, a lot, a lot of mirrors that are just really, really, really challenging, that are just really, really, really challenging, and that relationship ripple effect.

Alan Lazaros:

If it's your husband or wife, maybe that's level 10, responsibility for self, and then husband or wife level nine. And then maybe it's close family members level eight. And then maybe it's friends level seven, and then it's acquaintances, and then it's colleagues and whatever. Again, we all have our own and I know you, I said chosen family sort of thing. But it's seven, and then it's acquaintances, and then it's colleagues and whatever. Again, we all have our own and I know you, I said chosen family sort of thing, but it's, and then people get take it personal too, because this is one thing I've been working on a lot.

Alan Lazaros:

I want, I really want to let you talk in a second. There's proximity, so kev, as you become more valuable, people want to be a part of your life, but you can't sustain it if you allow everyone to do that. You can't be best friends with everyone not without letting a bunch of people down, and so I've been trying really hard. I'm very grateful to be very sought after. I'm grateful to have 28 clients. I'm grateful to have 15 team members. I'm grateful for all this. One of the hardest things for me is how do I not let all these people down, because they're getting closer and closer and closer and closer and I'm adding more and more and more and more value. But when I grow, I have more to give but I have less time and I think that in hindsight, I've really let a lot of my friends down from my past because I think they expected me to be able to pour at that rate for longer, when in reality I'm a limited resource just like everyone else, and you only have so much to pour.

Kevin Palmieri:

It is a very tough conversation because we did an episode one time based on one of the listeners, one of the NLU family members. They reached out and they said you know, I just care too much. I was like, no, I don't think that's true, I don't think you care too much. I think there too much. I was like, no, I don't think that's true, I don't think you care too much. I think there's layers. I think you probably care too much about people who don't care enough about you. Probably that's probably layer one, because, to your point, could you care too much about your family? I don't know, maybe, maybe I don't know. I'm sure there's levels you could get to, but I think that's a really good point.

Kevin Palmieri:

I don't think responsibility is the problem. I think misaligned responsibility, I think misaligned expectations, I think entitlement and humility. If you're somebody who's super humble and you're around people who are super entitled when it comes to your time, energy, effort and focus, that's dangerous. I just want people to have the permission that they don't need from us, but maybe they need to give themselves to pour less if you have the inkling that it's time to do that. Or maybe, even scarier to certain people, pour more if you think it's time to do that, that Maybe it's not Well. Again, I tend to think people take more responsibility than they should. I think maybe you tend to think people take less responsibility, but that's because I take more responsibility than I should you probably take less than you should.

Kevin Palmieri:

Well, I was hoping that I could get an 80-20 work split of the business with a 50-50 financial split. It didn't work that way, unfortunately.

Alan Lazaros:

You want to say something? No, I do. I think this is all dependent on where you are on the spectrum. When we do relationship talks, coaching, we talk an awful lot about this, and there's the self, and then there's others, and then there's the world, and I know some people who take a lot of responsibility for the world. The okay.

Alan Lazaros:

The environment right now is in trouble for anyone who does their research. How much responsibility should each individual take for that? I mean, we weren't the coal miners who hurt the environment from the past. We I, I make sure I recycle, but when is too far, too far? Do I go to my neighbor's house and recycle for them? We have one neighbor in our condo complex. The amount of trash. What are they throwing? Frat parties, what are we doing here? I can't even dude. It's nuts. It's like what is going on over there that you guys have 10 barrels full of trash not recycling trash bags every other week. I don't, and of course. But is it my responsibility to go over there and say, hey, have you ever considered the environment? No, but it is my responsibility to talk about recycling on here. Is it my job to make people feel bad if they don't recycle? See how wonky this gets.

Kevin Palmieri:

Depends on. Are you willing to receive the feedback that comes with it?

Alan Lazaros:

Exactly.

Kevin Palmieri:

That's why I think it's like is it my responsibility to help people become more self-aware? Yes, 100%, 100% and I'm willing to dedicate my life to that. Is it my responsibility to reverse the damages to the environment? I would say to my and my very, very, very small circles capabilities.

Alan Lazaros:

Yeah, exactly. Well, that's exactly what a calling is and I tell this to Amelia all the time because I know we got to jump but there's a lot of challenges in the world. There's no shortage of challenges. Eight billion people on this planet. There's a lot of things you can work on and there's a lot of things we need to work on as a species. What's the one that you're committed to?

Alan Lazaros:

So I take responsibility for spreading self-improvement, particularly holistic self-improvement, teaching people, productivity and business. Kevin is taking responsibility for holistic self-improvement and helping podcasters get their messages out into the world To help make the world a better place. We take 10 out of 10 level responsibility for that. We take 10 out of 10 level responsibility for anyone out there watching or listening and, by the way, if you're watching or listening, I do think you should recycle, and I am going to preach that Now. Here's the thing You're listening. If you don't like me or you don't like what I have to say, you have the opportunity to stop listening. But I have to have the courage to stand up for what I believe in, and so does Kev, and that's why courage is everything, because we all believe in something so deeply, and that's why I say fuck bullies, I can't stand bullies.

Alan Lazaros:

I hate bullies. They're such a problem. It's like you're so insecure You're tearing other people down. You're tearing down their buildings and tearing down their dreams and going out of your way to make other people feel worse about themselves because, deep down, you don't believe in yourself. I don't like bullies. Never have, never will Bullies don't listen to this podcast. People who get bullied do listen to this podcast. And so, at the end of the day, this is a conversation we all have to contemplate, and I definitely have been guilty for taking way more responsibility for other people's careers and success and future than I should have, and I do think some people aren't taking enough responsibility for their own calling, their own life and their ability to contribute to the world.

Kevin Palmieri:

Responsibility and regret. Would you feel regretful if you didn't take responsibility for the thing? That's a conversation. I mean, that's a deep, deep, deep question to ask, but I think that's where some of the best answers are buried. All right, I'm going to go talk to the wonderful members of Group 17,. Voices Unleashed A little off week. Normally Amy runs it. We're talking podcasting. I said I'll make myself available. I'm just gonna. I'll be a fly on the wall unless there's any questions. So I'm excited to see what comes. So shout out to everybody in that. Nextloveuniversecom is the website Live event April 5th. It's on the website. You can get tickets 47 bucks. You'll get the replay. It's a full day event. It's literally like it's going to be. It's going to be awesome, super excited. Amy's flying in, all that stuff, alan's coaching Dreamliner, all the things that we have. As always. As always, we love you, we appreciate you, grateful for each and every one of you and NLU. We don't have fans, we have family.

Alan Lazaros:

We will talk to you all tomorrow Keep it next level, next level nation.

Kevin Palmieri:

Thanks for joining us for another episode of Next Level University. We love connecting with the Next Level family.

Alan Lazaros:

We mean it when we say family. If you ever need anything, please reach out to us directly. Everything you need to get a hold of us is in the show notes.

Kevin Palmieri:

Thank you again and we will talk to you tomorrow you.

People on this episode

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Alan Lazaros

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Kevin Palmieri

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