Parenting Foundations: Take a Break and Take a Breath | S.13 Ep. 3

Keeping our cool in emotionally charged moments can be difficult. Revisit this episode about the stop, breathe, talk approach and how you can use it to communicate more effectively with your family. This is a great foundational technique for your parenting toolbox!

Transcript

Mackenzie DeJong
Hey, Barb. 

Barb Dunn Swanson
Hey what? 

Mackenzie DeJong
Stop. Breathe. Talk.

Barb Dunn Swanson
Hmm. Hey, is that like, stop, drop and roll?

Mackenzie DeJong
I mean, yeah, I guess. It's an easy tool to remember what to do in a heated situation.

Barb Dunn Swanson
Oh, that's too funny. Well, you know what, it's exactly what this third episode of the season introduces - our favorite tool, stop, breathe, and then talk. You know, it helps us to regulate our emotions when we're talking to our children. And you know who else? When we're talking to one another.

Mackenzie DeJong
Absolutely. So Lori and Mackenzie are gonna walk us through these steps, go a little more in depth and share how helpful those pause moments can be when navigating things like meltdowns, maybe disagreements with a teen, or really any situation when your heart starts to race and your emotions get fired up.

Barb Dunn Swanson
Absolutely. Let's take a listen and hear what it's all about. 

Lori Hayungs
Hello. Hey, we made it. We're here. I think we're here, right? I think we're here. Are we here? Kenz, good? Good. All right. Well, Hey, this is our first live, right? Like here we are in the flesh, in our houses. Right. Well, we'll see. Well, you know, hopefully the FedEx driver doesn't show up. Yeah. Right. Or if someone unexpectedly walks into my house, like none of that. Exactly, exactly. Well, I mean, should we kind of start out with like our beliefs in ground rules? I think that's a great idea. Right? Okay. So hopefully if you're here with us on our live, you have either, you know, listen to some of our previous podcasts, whether that was some bonus episodes or you followed our blog or you've checked out resources on our website or you are a friend we've recruited. Um, but hopefully you know a little bit about us.

Mackenzie Johnson
But just in case we want to kick off and kind of introduce you to who we are and what we believe at the science of parenting. So the first belief that I want to share with you is that we have what we call a pluralistic approach to parenting, which is just kind of a fancy way to say that we believe there's more than one way to raise great kids. So judgment free zone, but we do, we believe there's more than one way to raise great kids. Um, our second belief is that we are parenting educators, but we also know the reality is that some parent child relationships might require additional professional support. And so you can seek out those experts in your local communities. And then our third belief is that our job is to provide you trustworthy research based information. But your job as a parent, we know that you know your family better than we do.

Lori Hayungs
So your job is that you get to decide how the information we share fits your family. So we believe more than one way to raise great kids, we believe that sometimes we might need additional support and we encourage families to seek that out. And we believe that parents know their kids best. And so you get to decide how to use this information. Perfect. I do it. Is that good? Thank you. That is exactly what we are all about here at the science of parenting. And since this is our first live, we also thought we might put some ground rules in place so that you kind of have an idea that this is a safe place and we want to keep it a safe place. Um, Mackenzie alluded to this fact that we really want this to be kind of a judgment free zone, no blaming or shaming and you know, just help us all understand that parents need each other.

Mackenzie Johnson
We are in this together, uh, as a group of people who have similar, similar life circumstances. We all have things in common and we aren't all gonna think the same way, but this is going to be a safe safe space for no parent shaming or blaming. We also want you to think about when you share comments to, to think about your own reality. You know, we are going to have different experiences both past, present and future. And so we want you to focus your comments on your reality. We've all been in a place where we've heard something and we thought, Oh, if only so-and-so would hear this, that that's not this place. Like this place is for us. And so we need to kind of stay in that, stay in that space of, you know, if, if I need to comment about something, it's my reality.

Lori Hayungs
It's not someone else's reality. And then a safe as well for us as hosts, we reserve the right to pass on any comments that might be too personal for us. Yep. Quite a bit of our lives. What might keep some pieces we have, right? So far my family members haven't, uh, come at me. Yeah. So here we are and this is officially our, uh, third episode. But one other thing we want to do is we know that not everyone has the same technology experiences and so we want to bring in Mackenzie DeJong, just to give you a couple of logistics with technology.

Mackenzie DeJong
And you're asking the person who forgot to remove herself from the video feed right away. That's all right. This is a judgment free zone. You're blaming yourself first time I did and I got so excited. I just wanted it to be on screen right away. A couple of comments. Uh, if you are following along with us, you might notice that there is some live captioning happening, which doesn't always happen on Facebook Lives, but we are fortunate enough to have that. Um, if you're not seeing it and you would like your live captioning to show up, uh, you should be able to tap on. There's usually a little like a gear dude or uh, the three dots. It depends on what platform you're on, but usually it's a little gear or the three dots. And uh, there will be an option to turn on your closed captioning. So we do have live closed captioning. Um, and just a quick note that there is because of that close captioning about a five to ten second delay depending on what platform you're watching on as well. So if you have a question or something pops up and you're like, wow, we're not getting responded to very quickly, just know that there's a little bit of a delay just so we're able to bring those closed captions to you. Um, and speaking of questions, Lori and Mackenzie will take a couple of breaks between sections. So if you have questions, I will make sure that they answer those. Um, related to Stop. Breathe. Talk. They just might be between those sections. They might not get to your questions right away, uh, because I'm kind of keeping track of what questions are coming in. So just keep that in mind. Um, is there anything else you wanted me to mention?

Mackenzie Johnson
I think you got it. Okay. Got it. All right. All right. Okay, let's roll. All right, let's do it. So I mean, it only feels right to start with our official intro. I know it does not sound right. All right, so welcome to The Science of Parenting podcast where we bring you research based information that fits your family. Uh, we are going to talk about the reality of being a parents and how we can use research to help guide our parenting decisions. And I'm Mackenzie Johnson, parent of two little ones with their own quirks and I'm a parenting educator.

Lori Hayungs
And I'm Lori Hayungs. I also have three children, I guess not also. I have three children, I do, I guess that's foreshadowing someday, Mackenzie. So I have three children. They are three different life stages. One has been launched into to the real world. One is currently in college and one is in high school and I am also a parenting educator. So we want to welcome you here. We are excited that you're here. Um, and we hope that you come see us every month when we do this. This is officially our third episode in season one. Hopefully you've had a chance to see a couple of our bonus episodes. We're also trying to really be responsive to what's happening in the world right now. Uh, but this is our third episode of our first season. So our first season we've really been focusing on parenting foundations. And we've alluded to this a little bit here and there throughout the last two podcasts that our, our big premise that we stand on is this idea of stop, breathe, talk, and it's a guidance and discipline technique that we feel is for all ages and stages of life.

Mackenzie Johnson
Little, little, little people, big people, relationships between big and little people, relationships between big people and big people. Right? So one quote we found from an educator out in the field, Claire Learner, she said, according to her who is a licensed clinical social worker and child development specialist, she says, I am solidly convinced after 30 years of practice that the single most important skill for positive parenting over the course of our kids' lifetime is our own self awareness and self regulation as parents. And that really, really explains, stop, breathe, talk, the ability to self regulate and be self aware. So our own self, us as the adult in the whole, you know, quotation, whatever, it's, it's uh, it's about us and it's about us. And right. Many times we might think, Oh, if only my kid would, if only I could get my baby to, if only that child would.

Lori Hayungs
Right. But first and foremost, it's about us. And so when we look at the idea of stop, breathe, talk, the first thing we have to recognize is that it's our ability to stop what we're doing, stop what we're saying, stop what we're thinking. Take that pause, that moment to breathe. Whether it's a literal breath or a figurative breath, it might be a huge in and out with our lungs included, or it might just be a closing of our eyes. But then we have the chance to go a different direction, whether we're talking a different direction, talking in a different tone, talking in a different way, thinking in a different way, moving our thoughts in a different way. That's what stop, breathe, talk is now. That's how I explain it. And so I also love my friend Mackenzie's explanation of it. So I want you to do that for us.

Mackenzie Johnson
Yeah. Um, okay. So yeah, stop. breathe. talk. is this, I like to think of it as our in the heat of the moment or what a lot of times we call them "challenging moments". Uh, what do I have in my back pocket to do right now to help me kind of navigate what I'm feeling? And so it's this super simple three step flexible and how and when you use it, um, three step process. And so I like to think of it in terms of punctuation, which is like you're a geek. And I'm like, yep, but she's a really good editor. Um, but so the one I think of the stop, I think of an exclamation point, right? So that's the punctuation I associated with it. So if you're running through a paragraph, um, that you're reading and you come to an exclamation point, you know, there are big feelings, right?

Lori Hayungs
And so that's what I think of when I think of stop. I think if it's exclamation point, and sometimes I even say like, the point of stop is like for me to recognize that I'm an exclamation point like that I am having big feelings like, woo. And so a lot of times that stop is like my thought in my head is like, Whoa, I am really mad or I'm really tired or I'm really frustrated or stressed. You know what, or overstimulated, I use that word a lot. Um, but stop is that exclamation point gives us the chance to recognize the big feeling. Second step is breathe. So I like to think of this as a comma. Um, and one of the reasons is because no matter where you are in a sense, so sometimes we use a comma for you, other grammar people like before conjunction to add another clause.

Mackenzie Johnson
I know, but you might use a comma to like put two ideas together and it'll tell you to pause between them. Or sometimes you break up a sentence in different ways with a comma and that's what that breath is, right? That opportunity to breathe in and to pause that whole direction you were headed, right? So your exclamation point, your, your stress was sprinting you in a certain direction. That breath, that comma is that pause and that interaction. And that might be a long pause or it might be a short three breaths, one breath, 10 breaths, um, or sometimes it might be a little while, right? You might decide like, you know what, I need to leave the room and come back later. Uh, so whatever that breath might look like, and then talk I like to think is, I think of laugh at me now. I'm ellipsis if I can say it right. Um, or your dot, dot dot. Now, Lori kind of alluded to this and this is like my favorite. I love this little image here, but the.dot, dot in a sentence, a lot of times changes the direction things are headed, right? So if it's like, and then one day everything was different, dot, dot, dot, right? And so after we've taken that time to stop, recognize those big feelings, take that breath to kind of help us get paused and centered. And then the talk is speaking with intention of like how we want to move forward. Where do I want this interaction to go? How do I want it to leave us, me and my child, or me and my, um, co-parent or whoever it might be, how to want to leave us feeling. So I go exclamation point. Comma.

Lori Hayungs
Dot.dot. Or stop. Breathe. Talk dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Okay. Dot. Thanks the direction. Exactly. And I confess that I might be the queen of exclamation points when I write and type. And so in our blog at you a, if you've ever followed our blog on www.science of parenting.org. You may see some exclamation points in my blogs or you may, you know, see some dot, dot, dot. So that's how we talk. That's how we write. And that swear, stop, breathe, talk leaves us. And so let's, let's take a moment, throw some research in because we are all about research in reality always. And, and so yeah, we came up with strap, bring it talk. The why is it so important? Honestly, what's the big deal? So we have an article from Emotion on Coaching and it's from Berkeley. And it says that the first step to coping with negative emotions either in ourselves or in our children, is to figure out what we're feeling and then to accept those feelings.

Mackenzie Johnson
So what are we feeling? And then recognizing that it's okay to have feelings. Oh yeah, it's important to have feelings. And I think that like that's the exclamation point, right? That's the like I am feeling overstimulated, angry. Or like if I think about I have a preschooler, you know, she is feeling overstimulated or hungry or tired, hangry, exactly. Tired or you know, whatever it might be. And so like recognizing like, Whoa, the stop might be those emotions to recognizing what they are and like, it's all right. It's not, you know, it's okay for her to feel hungry. Right? It's not a bad feeling or it's okay for her to feel mad. Also not a bad feeling. Um, but maybe what's happening is what we want to change. So, but the first step is recognizing that like the quote says what you're feeling and accepting those feelings. So exactly. The idea that, that someone is acknowledging our feelings can make us feel so heard. Oh yeah. You know, the worst thing that can happen to me in the middle of a meltdown myself is for someone to say, it's not that big a deal. I'm not sure why you're feeling that way.

Lori Hayungs
That just makes me feel so much better. And so that's the same thing with our children is their feelings are important and we just need to acknowledge that they have feelings. They have rights to feelings. Oh yeah. And a little reality. Uh, when it comes to stop, I'm the first to admit that I don't always get it right on the first shot. Or like one of the reasons I love stop re-talk is cause you can use it no matter how far into the interaction you are. So right. Maybe I re like realize right at the beginning like, Whoa, I'm stressed, I'm overreacting to what's going on. Or maybe it's after we've kind of like started to nitpick at each other or, you know, you've already gone however far down the road. Um, but I am the first to admit that like I don't always get it right on the first try.

Mackenzie Johnson
And I actually think my husband's better at stop. Like he gets to stop faster than I do most of the time. Um, so it's not about the like expecting parents or ourselves to get it perfect, but like I have a tool that I can practice and that helps me do better so I can grab it anytime and in the middle of any interaction except so should we pause for some comments? Yeah, yeah. Do we have questions coming in, Kenz? We haven't yet. We do. We have a couple of comments and then I have a couple of questions. So, okay. A couple of things that stood out to people. They said that first and foremost it's about us really stood out to them and then, um, Dawn said is the parent, once you lose control, you've lost control. Yeah, good one. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. I'm loving this.

Lori Hayungs
This is the first question. Stop with an exclamation point makes sense. What ideas can you give me to stop? Ah, ah, okay. So I can tell you I, and I wouldn't have been able to say this until right now. Like this question is what prompt I closed my eyes when I stop. Um, that I literally have to like get out of what's happening for a second. Like if we're trying to get a coat on in a hurry in the in the morning, like I have to close my eyes and it's a really simple thing that helps me, that's helped me stop in the middle of what's going on. Um, also I walk away sometimes like if I'm particularly like particularly big feelings, really frustrated, mad, whatever, whatever it is. Sometimes that means my stop is like walking away because I'm ready to be calm and take a breath yet.

Mackenzie Johnson
So those are kind of my, the closing my eyes is an instinct. Uh, but like it's perfectly okay to walk away and I even will say like, I'm really mad right now. I need to take a break. Great examples. I'll just, just do one little one. And that is, it does take me a lot sometimes to reach that point. Uh, and sometimes what I do is, it's kind of a sensory thing is like I might, uh, dig my fingernail into my thumb just to make me feel something different. Or, you know, I might, I might bite my tongue, I might clench my fist. I might say I need some, some feeling to remind me that I need to stop. And that seems kind of, I don't know, maybe a martyr or I dunno what it is, but it's just that, that piece of, okay, wait, I need to feel something different because the feelings I'm having right now, I don't like those feelings.

Lori Hayungs
And so I just need to feel something different in my body. Might clench my calf so tight that it almost gives you a charlie horse. Right. But then that second piece is I might turn around. So same, same idea of closing your eyes. I might just turn around. Yeah. Great question. Yeah. What that question. All right. The next question is, and there's been some discussion back and forth around this. Some people saying, yeah, I'm really bad at that. Stop or breathe. So what if you didn't do the stop or breathe part and went straight to the top? Wasn't that way to backtrack or do damage control? Okay, so one, we actually have an episode coming up this coming month, um, or like in the near future about like how do we recover if we've maybe said something we didn't want to or that our emotions got ahead of us.

Mackenzie Johnson
So we have more on this. Uh, but I'll say, but Lori, I can tell you like, have something to say. I love that you said done that. Oh yeah, totally done that. And the hardest thing to do. And once I learned it, it was, wow, that wasn't so bad. But the first time was like, I just really say that I've said to my children, you know what? Mommy's going to take a breath. Mommy needs to stop. And first say, I'm sorry that I said that to you, or I'm sorry I S or I did that this way. Let's, let's redo this part or timeout, you know, hands up in the T formation timeout. I need to restart this. We need to restart this. And, oh my gosh, what better way to teach your kids that failing is okay as long as you get back up.

Lori Hayungs
So yeah, if you've gone straight to the talk and you need to backtrack admit it to whoever that is, whether it's an adult or a child and say, well, you know, I really didn't like how that came out. I need to back it up. Oh, love this. Yup. We also restart in our house. I'm like at bedtime it's like, okay, we are 15 minutes into bedtime. Everything's a hot mess. Nothing's going well. I might walk away. I guess that's kind of a stop. Um, I might not even walk away, but I might like realize, okay, you know what? I think we need to restart. And sometimes that's just as simple as like, we have a hug and it's like, you know what, I shouldn't have yelled. I'm sorry. You know, and fessing up to whatever it is you wish you hadn't done. Um, it's very powerful for our kids to hear that.

Mackenzie Johnson
You make a great point Lori, that like it's okay to feel as long as we like we can get back up. We can get back up. Yeah. All right. We better move on to research number two, right? So I have a, an article here from 2017 about breathing. Okay. You've probably heard all kinds of things about breathing, but we're going to share it again anyway. So deep breathing has benefits for our cardiovascular system, right? Heart, lungs, hearts and lungs, central nervous system, nerves. And essentially something as simple as simple as simple as a deep breath can help us regulate our bodies. And what happens is our bodies can find it, kind of re establish a sense of regular breathing. And if we actually dive really deep into the nitty gritty, like six to 10 breaths per minute while engaging your diaphragm, that means your stomach is going in and out, up and down, in and out, up and down is, is actually really, really good and important. And how fabulous that that's something we can teach our children. Oh yeah. And maybe it's not directly teaching them that. Maybe it's just modeling and showing. And so they see you get heated, like you said, hot mess and all of a sudden you are stopping and you're not even saying a word, but your shoulders are going up and down and they're like, what is she doing?

Lori Hayungs
Like she is silly, huh? I might try that. And all of a sudden everyone's just a little bit calmer. What do you think about that? Yeah, well I thought it was fascinating. We were putting together this stuff for this episode, that one, like that little data point about the ideal and yeah. What's the technical? It says like the autonomically optimised respiration rate basically, the ideal rate of breathing to promote, benefits is six to 10 breaths per minute. It's like, all right, so that's like a six second in breath or a ten second breath, like in and out. Like all right, that's interesting that there is like an ideal, but it's like, okay, I can, that's, that's tangible. I can, I can work on a breath that's that long. Um, yeah. And breathing is that chance. It helps you regulate it. Models for your kids. How to regulate that breath is also really important for me to reflect on why I needed to stop, right?

Mackenzie Johnson
Like what that big feeling was. Uh, and that breath is a chance for me to think about what I do want to change, right? What is the new direction I want to go with talk. So yet bedtime. So far it's been a hot mess, but how do I want it to go? Like how do we want this to end up with both of us feeling? And so that breath is also a chance for me to kind of think about where I'm going to go with talk about you. I think that that's been something that I remember teaching my children early on and not in a teaching way. Like, you know, not me verbally sharing, we're going to have a lesson now, but, but more just that modeling. When I taught preschool, we, we just did this. And, and selfishly it was for me, right? Because it called them all down, all of those little bodies in the room.

Lori Hayungs
At the same time, we were able to calm down and when my children were young, I remember my one-year-old and I think I share this on one of the podcasts episodes coming up that yeah, she saw me taking a deep breath and she took a deep breath in the middle of a, of a, of a, you know, just a yell or shout and said help. Just that big breath. So, um, how about any questions from the audience, Kenzie, regarding to breathing and specific to breathe? So I've had a few comments and questions come in. Um, a couple of the comments are related to the answer you, answers you gave on the last one. Uh, already said that they love the restarts and hugs and that you are, you are her people. All right. I'm a hugger. Not right now. I won't hug you right now. I'll give it a few weeks. That was that comment. And then Leah said, I literally have tears in my eyes thinking of the power of those apologies. So taking that moment to restart and apologize, I literally get tears in my eyes. Um, a lot of times in those moments cause it's like, okay, we have not been going the direction I want to like yeah, the apology. I'm glad that it hit home with Leah. Yeah. And then somebody just commented so I didn't get it typed into a box but said I just tried and just tried six breaths in a minute. Nearly passed out. Must need track. Go for the 10 in a minute. You can work your way up if you want. In band, we called that breathing gym. Oh. And then the question that we have is actually from a teachers. So great information. As a teacher, I need you stop, breathe, talk.

Mackenzie Johnson
When frustrated with the student's behavior in class that is being disruptive. Thoughts? Lori, I know you've been a preschool teacher, this, this might range all the way up to middle school age, uh, or high school. So do you have any, any quick thoughts on, you know, the, the stop and the breathe section maybe of this question so that they're able to get to that talk.

Lori Hayungs
Okay. So don't laugh, but I may have had a little teaching section about this with my teenage daughter's friends as they were hyperventilating about something that happened at school. And you know, just that idea that, gosh, I was at school and this happened, this happened. And, and you know, their voices are higher pitch and faster and faster and faster. I can relate to that. Okay, let's just take a moment. So when you were that frustrated and felt you weren't being, do you think that maybe your teacher could have heard you more? And my voice was slowing down and I was taking longer pauses between the breaths and, and like their eyes were getting bigger and their shoulders were dropping. And yes. So teach this in your classes, your children in your classrooms will be A) Fascinated that you are treating them like an adult almost, um, that you have these expectations and B) That you're giving them a tool, uh, you, you know, tell them it's time to stop, breathe, talk, everyone, drop your pencils. And I think it's, if I would add that, so yeah, if it's something you start practicing and modeling for them and explain what you're doing, uh, I think that's really powerful. Especially no matter the age of kids, you know, you're also giving them a sense of, um, what's the word I want, like transparency that like this is not always easy for me. Uh, but I do also think I sometimes use it w I mean in my like adult education classes or, um, I can use it with my own kids, but sometimes once you've modeled it and people are familiar with it, you can create an expectation.

Mackenzie Johnson
Um, so if you're unhappy with some of the behavior that's maybe happening in the classroom, or if you don't like the way a student is talking to you, like, you know, I'm really, that's not, you know, that doesn't fit our classroom policies or how we've agreed to treat each other or whatever it might be. Like, I'm wondering if maybe taking a moment to stop, we talk and let's try again. Um, and so yeah, at that modeling point I think can be really powerful. Yeah. Excellent question. Excellent. Glad to hear it's relevant for you as a teacher too. Awesome. Okay. Research tidbit number three. Right. So this is research from Hurrell, Hudson, and Schniering. They demonstrated that parental reactions to children's emotions. So our response to our children's emotions play a big role in their development of emotional regulation. Exactly what you just said. So how we respond to their emotions actually plays into their development of being able to control their emotions.

Lori Hayungs
So we need to understand what they see when we are responding to their emotions. Do they see us responding in a way that says, I accept your feelings. I acknowledge that you have feelings instead of I won't allow you to feel this way. You may not feel this way. You may not have this feeling in this house. Like, stop crying. Oh, right, yeah. Yeah. Don't be mad. Don't be mad. Stop it. Yup. And I'll say, and I've said it like I've said it, it's not about that. I've never said it. But when we think about long term writers thinking about their emotional development, like that research bullet says we have a lot of impact there, the way that we model and teach them. And so teaching them like you're mad, right? Like even just repeating them like you're mad or you're disappointed that we're not doing what you thought.

Mackenzie Johnson
Um, I say that a lot to my preschooler right now. Uh, she thinks every day is a stay home day. Like wakes up every day. Like I'm gonna stay home today. Right? Mom? Like, Oh, I would kind of love that sometimes. Um, sometimes we could use some space. Today is not that day, but today's not a same day. And then it's like, Oh, the big feelings. Like, Oh, I know you're disappointed. You were really hoping we would stay home today. Um, so yeah, and I think it's honestly so much of that emotion regulation does come down to like, we have to stop and breathe so that we can speak with intention, right. That the talking that comes out of our mouth is headed in the direction we wanted. Right. Without ellipsis, where it's headed, even if it's not right away. Right. If we get there after that, stop and breath that, stopping that breathing.

Lori Hayungs
Um, but that intention can really help us develop our kids' emotional skills as they're older. Like the way that we've modeled and the way that we mean to, instead of the way that our emotions get ahead of us. 100%. I know for a fact that I've said to my children, it's okay for you to be mad at me. I would be mad at me too. No, I get it. In fact, I'm kind of mad that I have to, you know, make this rule based on what your behavior is, you know? Yeah. I'm kinda mad about it too because it makes me not feel the greatest when I have to be this upset or when I have to lay down this consequence. I'm kind of mad about it too. So that talk allows us to acknowledge how they're feeling. It allows us to then develop their emotional regulation.

Mackenzie Johnson
And so just a quick piece in here that I want to make sure that that maybe you're transitioning this to the adult adult relationship as well, is that if you're co-parenting or if you're in, you know, in the midst of having conversations with their another adult and there are children around, this is not a a tool that we only use for children between the ages of, right. This is, this is something that we can put in our toolbox and keep in our toolbox for relationships with human beings, frankly. So yeah. With your other family members who are adults with your coworkers, with your friends? I use it all the time. It stays in my back pocket every day, every day. It is, it's, it's for everybody. But it is particularly important like with our kids because we have some skills, they don't, when I think about my infant or my preschooler, like I've had a little more experienced navigating tough feelings than my three year old has a so yeah, it's important that we do remember that we have a lot of impact here and so we want to use that speaking with intention in our talk, change the direction we're headed, uh, when things may be get heated.

Lori Hayungs
Exactly. All right. Bring him on in, Kenz, let's hear it, see it, hear all of the above, all the above, all of the senses. All five.

Mackenzie DeJong
So I have um, this comment, try to think about how I would talk to my children if someone was there listening to me.

Mackenzie Johnson
Yeah, yeah. Would I be proud of what I'm saying? And yeah, that's a great way to think about it.

Mackenzie DeJong
And then someone else said, um, Kacey has some good, some good comments. They're pretty funny. Stop, breathe, talk on every wall of my house. Looking at top two options as well. Straight here as maybe get like a stop read.

Lori Hayungs
Do you have like some graphic logos if you need some inspiration specifically to stop retaught Kacey so we can, you can look those up, right, exactly. As it was for your tattoo inspiration.

Mackenzie DeJong
And then Cassie said emotional regulation is a big piece for her working with K through fifth graders.

Mackenzie Johnson
Oh yes. All the feelings, all the feelings, any feelings, all of them. But there's no, there's no questions and we can design that tattoo by the way.

Lori Hayungs
Okay. I'll work on it. I'll work on it. I won't, you wouldn't want me to design your tattoo, I promise. Okay, well then I think that just kind of, if we don't have questions left, I think that kind of moves us into this. Your reality section that we kind of usually wrap around is, okay, so we've told you all this research, you know, about the benefits of stopping the impact we have on our kids with their emotion regulation, the impact, the power of a deep breath or six to 10 breaths a minute. Uh, so there's tons of benefits and all of these pieces. But so as you think about, okay, I'm taking in all this information that we've shared, what's your plan for the week? Right? So we come out with like an episode about every week and as you think about stop retalk a lot of times for me there's thinking about a particular moment that we have, um, like that I have that I know where I tend to get particularly heated, right?

Mackenzie Johnson
So it's like right now it is bedtime and getting our coat on in the morning. Like that's hard every single day. And so that, like the choose a time when, you know, particularly if you have a little more time with your kids than you're used to, maybe not practicing the self care things you used to do or having as much time yourself with everything that's going on in the world. But what does a moment that's going on in your life where you can start practicing that stop. Retalk and again, not about perfection, it's about practice. Um, and so I encourage you to find where that might be for you this week. I love it. I love it. We want to share just two more resources. So the first is that next Thursday on next week our fourth episode will drop for our science of parenting regularly scheduled programming and we are going to be talking about slowing down, having some self control, self regulation and kind of that idea of who's in control in this parent child relationship. Who's in control. We will answer that question.

Lori Hayungs
And then we just wanted to quick share because we have a, another area of I would say Extension and Outreach, Human Sciences that has really been doing some super great things for families who are at home together all the time, all together, all together. And that is a program called Spend Smart. Eat Smart. And you can find them on Facebook at Spend Smart. Eat Smart. or spendsmart.extension.iastate.edu. And right now they have been doing some things Monday, Wednesday, Friday around the noon time, central standard time live as well with their children doing some wellness activities, doing some uh, healthy cooking activities, just doing lots of different things. Recognizing that right now we are all together all the time and so we invite you to check them out. They've been doing some fabulous things. So that's all I have for our resources. All right, well then if we don't have any other questions, I think we can just kind of wrap it up. Of course we want to say thank you for joining us on our first The Science of Parenting live episode. You can find our content weekly via video or audio in your favorite podcast app. Um, and of course join us live once a month. We can see you look like you have something important to say. No, I'll say just join us.

Mackenzie Johnson
Um, so yeah, you can watch our video each week or listen to our audio, check out our blog, our websites, uh, check out some of our, uh, bonus episodes that we've put out related to COVID-19 and what's going on there. So, yeah, we love to take your comments and questions and just come along and join us as we tackle the ups and downs, the ins and outs and the research and reality of The Science of Parenting. Thank you.

Anthony Santiago
The Science of Parenting is a research based education program posted by Lori Hayungs and Mackenzie Johnson, produced by Mackenzie DeJong with research and writing by Barbara Dunn Swanson. Send questions and comments to parenting@iastate.edu and connect with us on Facebook and Twitter. This program is brought to you by Iowa State University Extension and Outreach. This institution is an equal opportunity provider. For the full non-discrimination statement or accommodation inquiries, go to www.extension.state.edu/diversity/ext.