End of Year Wrap Up 2023

As the year comes to a close, I find myself in a poignant reflection of the personal and societal transformations that have left an indelible mark on 2023. The landscape of the UK has been one of tumultuous change, from royal family disclosures to political upheaval and an economic maelstrom that has held our leaders' feet to the fire. Yet, amid this national backdrop, my journey into motherhood has been the most transformative of all, fraught with joys, trials, and the task of breaking generational curses. 

Embracing the duality of motherhood, I bare the raw and unfiltered truths of parenting in the digital age. The metaphor of my neglected toenails becomes a symbol of the relentless pace of life with a child, challenging the glittering façades of social media's portrayal of motherhood. Through candid tales and personal anecdotes, this episode weaves together the essence of nurturing a child while grappling with societal pressures, the shadow of past traumas, and the importance of self-care. 

As we bid farewell to a year of profound love and gratitude, the discussion turns to the practicalities of negotiating life's financial and professional hurdles. This episode doesn't shy away from the harsh realities of navigating a financial crisis or the art of negotiation with employers, as I recount tales of securing work against the odds and managing family budgets with a frugal touch. Join me as I share insights into the evolution of remote work, the empowerment of saving, and the criticality of proactive career management. It's been a year of immense challenges, but through it, we've discovered the strength we hold and the hope that guides us into the unknowns of the future.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Trauma makes you tolerate a lot of shit you don't deserve because you don't want to lose people. Healing makes you realize some people don't deserve to be in your life, no matter how much you love them, and that was posted on Instagram by elitemindset. Hello and welcome to the final, the very final episode of the Toya Talks podcast 2023. See what I did there. How are you? Hope you're all doing well. I figured that I've already pre-recorded the first episode for 2024.

Speaker 1: 0:35

And I thought no, no, no, no, toya, you're going to have to like wrap up the year because it's been an interesting year, but also it's been a year of change. I mean, if you want to take the Royal Family, if you're in the UK, there's been a lot of change, a lot of divulging of personal information. Well, I say personal, but family information, if you like. We've seen the government, like a revolving door, just really replicate and I don't know, would I say replicate, emulate what's happening in the world, where it's just very unsettled at the moment. The cost of living is really serious and I think until you start to directly feel the impact, you won't realise it. And this is unprecedented because, irrespective of your tax bracket or your pay packet, you're directly feeling the pinch and the punch of the cost of living crisis, when they're having to put padlocks and security tags on packets of lure pack, when the cost of petrol is becoming astronomical versus what we actually use in our cars, when you are now seeing families struggling to eat three meals a day, when you see people in food banks the increased numbers over the last few years it allows you to realise that life is really changing and it's not really for the better when you actually look at it holistically.

Speaker 1: 2:02

Before we get into the podcast, I really want to say this and I will continue to say it it's really, really important that you do not allow the government or politicians but I would say primarily the conservative government in the UK, who are currently, quote, unquote leading the UK that they are going to come up with some very outlandish manifestos and you may seemingly think, oh my God, this is going to change aspects of my life, but it's really important that we sit in where we are now and remembering it's the same Conservative Party that have allowed the country to be where it is. This is the same Conservative Party who, quote, unquote and I say these speech marks lead and more like dragged us through the biggest pandemic this country has seen in several years, and the fact that we are in a cost of living crisis, the fact that inflation and just the interest rates as a whole is disgusting. When people are buying houses, the government are putting our schemes for people to buy houses and they're not looking at the long term effect, and the reality is a lot of people are going to lose their houses because they haven't. They've been misled by the smokes and mirrors of the government. People are going to pay the price for it, for looking at life with rose-tinted specs when we really need clear lenses, and I think these are the things that we need to remember.

Speaker 1: 3:38

When it's time to vote and this is the point I'm making here your vote actually counts. I'm not sitting here telling you that. You know. I'm an advocate for politics, but I'm an advocate for change and I just feel like the Conservative Party needs to take a break. I think the problems that we've seen with the revolving doors and changing of power, frequently losing and it's like key people, like the Home Secretary, you know massive changes, the Prime Minister, the massive changes in quick succession shows that the party is not stable and in the country we need stability. So the party the Conservative Party are basically reflecting what's happening in happening currently in society. It's chaos, it is a mess, and if that is what we're feeling and that is what we're seeing with the Conservative Party, isn't it now time that we sit back and consider a change, because it's too much so?

Speaker 1: 4:42

I want to start with that when I reflect on 2023, it's been like the most life-changing year of my life, because I became a mother and I those people who followed me for several years will know that I wasn't even really sure if I wanted to be a mum. I think a lot of it was down to my penultimate I can't speak today. I think a lot of it was down to my turbulent relationship with my own mother. I think I had a lot of issues I was working through, but some were unresolved because that wasn't the time to deal with them. What I didn't realise is that I would still be resolving and healing through having my daughter, especially because I was having a daughter and I was very clear that I wanted to break some generational curses.

Speaker 1: 5:28

I wanted to do things differently and redefine my understanding of what I believe motherhood is or should be, in terms of me parenting my child, and I've always said that motherhood is not a one-size-fits-all. It's going to be determined on my daughter's personality. I have a very strong daughter, a very strong willed daughter, very funny, and she's very kind-spirited. She's got really nice energy about her and whilst I'm very aware that children grow, they change hormones and all of that, the essence of who she is is very clear to me, so I will mother her accordingly. But having a daughter I always knew like in I remember thinking about motherhood, I always said I never wanted to have a daughter and then, when I went to therapy and did the work you know learn the tools I realised that that little girl in me needed to heal before I was ready to mother a daughter. And now I'm in it. I'm just like I feel so blessed that the ancestors gave me my daughter first, because there was so much that I still needed to heal whilst mothering her and be confronted with a few things as well, like abandonment.

Speaker 1: 6:45

Motherhood is a lifelong commitment. It's a promise that you're making, and I then had to deal with the reality that there was a promise that was broken to me and that was really hard because my birth story was very traumatic and even being confronted with the possibility of it going either way I could have died. You know, I left work, I left the hospital after 10 days, I was induced for five in labour for five, and then I didn't leave the hospital until the 10th day. It will only tell you how hard it was. It was really hard. And then coming home and just being broken physically, mentally, psychologically broken and then I have this small, innocent baby in front of me and I need to mother this child. I have no handbook. All I know is that I've been putting together the pieces of the broken child that has lived inside of me and I have an opportunity to now redefine motherhood.

Speaker 1: 7:53

I'm really clear on that Instagram. I show the good, the bad, the in-between and the difficult. I don't need sympathy, empathy, I don't need suggestions unless I ask for it. I do it to show balance because I think society sells fantasies over certain things that are life-changing, and one of them is motherhood. Motherhood is the most beautiful and the most rewarding journey to go on, but it's probably for me, and has been, and I know from other mothers it's the same very, very hard. You're a whole life changer and you don't know how it's going to change because it depends on what is required from your child. And remember, you have to heal from your childbirth. Now, my childbirth was very traumatic and I had to mentally heal, physically heal, and that was really hard while still being very present.

Speaker 1: 8:45

And then you're dealing with people's expectations as well, and I will always say expectation is the feat. Other people's expectations are the thief of your joy and happiness when you don't share in the same expectations. Don't expect anything from me that you have not given me, cannot give me or haven't shown me. The only expectation that I can deal with is that of my child, because she did not ask to be born. She is in this life and she depends on me so she can have all the expectations of me that she needs to, and I will, by the grace of God, try my very hardest to meet all her expectations.

Speaker 1: 9:26

But on Instagram, I'm trying to show you all the balance of what motherhood looks like. Sometimes my mother hood does not go to sleep or is the last person to sleep. Sometimes my motherhood is up at two in the morning for four hours because my daughter is teething. Sometimes my motherhood is I'm so exhausted I can barely open my eyes. Sometimes my motherhood is just staring into space and just thinking, wow, life has come at me fast. Sometimes my motherhood is always in a rush. Let me tell you something. Some of you might find this funny. I will find this funny.

Speaker 1: 10:05

I always take pride in my personal appearance, always get pedicure and manicure. I do biavenels and on my feet I have um, I always have a pedicure with gel polish. And one day I looked down on my feet and I had no toenails. They were all smashed up, bashed up, smashed up. And I looked at another. What has actually happened to my toenails?

Speaker 1: 10:23

And my toenails actually reflected what was happening in my life at the moment. I was always rushing around. I always felt like time is off of the essence. Time was just going so fast. When you have a child, you realise that there is not enough hours in the day. Time goes so fast, like I literally had my daughter in the summer. We're already talking about 2024. I just don't understand where that time has gone.

Speaker 1: 10:47

And I looked down on my toenails and I was like this is a reflection of the cost of loon on joking. This is a reflection of what is going on like life is just so fast and I must have really hurt my toes, by the way, but I couldn't feel it because I was just always going, going, going, going and I had to take a deep breath and I said no, this is not who I am. I went to go and get a pedicure. The man was looking at me like girl, this is not you. I had to apologise to him. I said I know this is, this is a lie, but this is reflective of what my motherhood journey has been like. It's been a whirlwind and I talked about my toenails just because it shocked me.

Speaker 1: 11:24

You know, because I think there's an element of motherhood that is just so selfless that you don't even remember that you need to do the basic things through your own mental health, like being able to go and get a manicure and pedicure is me just being alone, relaxing, pampering myself, but also like the basic I need to be able to be like, okay, I've pampered myself, I don't need very much. So I had to take a step back and say why am I always rushing? And it's because I'm still adjusting. My daughter's seven months old she's gonna be eight months um first week of January. Like I'm still adjusting to motherhood, like no one taught me this you know, no one has sat me down and you know I'm gonna tell you, the people who have been there for me the most are people that I actually don't know, aside from, like, my really close friend Bimpay and Bay and a couple of my other friends.

Speaker 1: 12:22

The one person that, the people that the other people that have been there the most, having people I don't know like I've never seen face-to-face, but we've developed a sisterhood on social media. It's just crazy and I was getting prayer books, I was getting prayers, I was, you know, it was just so nice, like, um, there's a sister in in the States and she had a baby around the same time as me and she would send me stuff every so often or I would ask her a question or ask her a question, and I just thought, wow, that is so beautiful that in sisterhood you don't necessarily have to know the person, you just have to show a level of kindness and openness that people are willing to receive. And I felt very blessed, as well as all the emotional rollercoasters, I felt I feel very blessed and I feel very touched, know, feel very honored to be blessed with such an amazing daughter who is one day gonna call me mum because I still get mum, mum, mum. But I just feel that she's just doing that. I don't really think she's a mum, but every time she looks up at me or like yesterday, she had her head on my chest and I put my hands on her head and I prayed for her, because I pray for her all the time and then she put her hand on my hand oh, I could have cried in that moment. Or when I leave the room, for example, go to the toilet, and she wakes up and she's bending her neck to look for me. Or when she's really, really upset because of her teething and her dad picks her up and she bends her neck to look, look for me. I've never known a love so pure in my life and I never knew that I needed that love. But I think what my daughter has taught me is she's taught me so much. She's taught me patience. She's taught me, like you know, I observe anyway, but her observational skills are amazing. She will really sit there and watch. You know you could be trying to pull faces and she'd just be looking at you and I love that about her. I love that she takes her time.

Speaker 1: 14:15

I've learned from my daughter that I am deserving of the purest of love, and that's what I get from her and for me. I think that I've always yearned just to be loved for who I am, by the people who have known me the most or the longest, and the people who have the same blood running through their veins as I do mine. Just the love that doesn't have any expectation, a love that is just pure, a love that is just kind and a love that is just a covering of warmth. And I don't think I've I've really had that, because I think that I think I've told you guys in earlier podcasts I always felt like how to buy love for my family. I always felt like I was giving and not getting much back. So I was just used to that. I was just used to that and I think that I realize I am deserving of that love.

Speaker 1: 15:08

Every time my love looks at me and I know that with my daughter, like you know, monday she's gonna be a teenager and I hate you or well, she better not say that, but you know, I know, you know, but I'm always gonna look at her and think you came from me. You, you heard my heartbeat. Yeah, I fought to give birth to you. I could have lost my life given birth to you. You are my everything and I love you and I'm always gonna start from that position.

Speaker 1: 15:35

And Kay is more the disciplinarian I've got to be honest. He's more the strict parent than I am. But there's certain fundamentals that I will never compromise on, and one of them is manners. Good morning, good afternoon, please, thank you. You know the basic manners that I feel like sometimes goes a miss in our society. My daughter will have those manners because you know she has to understand that manners is more than just being well raised. It's how you sometimes open doors for yourself. It's sometimes what puts a smile on someone's face. Like I remember the other day I was at the train station at 6 30 in the morning and I was exhausted and I was missing my daughter and I was just standing there and he said morning love. And that just felt so good. That's like out of London but hey, you're, by the way, because in London no one is saying good morning love. I'll tell you that.

Speaker 1: 16:27

But I say all of this to say that when I look back on 2023, I just have gratitude. I'm grateful to be here, I'm grateful to have given birth. I'm grateful for my husband. I'm grateful for my daughter. I'm grateful for the seeds that I've sown, that I'm harvesting now. I'm grateful for the learning lessons. I'm grateful for all the lessons and the replanting of seeds. I'm really grateful for all the people that have been really touched by the Toy Talks podcast and platform and those people that have sought me out to send me a DM and just say to me thank you, because I don't think you understand how far that's gone for me, because there was a point where I was like, can I continue with Toy Talks? Because there was just so much going on. I was like, oh, job worth doing is worth doing well, and if I couldn't do this to the best of my ability, then I would have to step back and anytime I thought that now somebody's prompted by the Holy Spirit, prompted by the ancestors, to send me a message and give me a testimony.

Speaker 1: 17:29

And then I'm reminded that Toy Talks is a ministry and I'm on my ministry and this is why I always say I don't really care what anyone says about me. I don't care if someone likes me, if you don't like me, if you like the platform. I actually don't care. Usually the people that don't like me are the ones that have benefited from the platform but couldn't use, continue to use me, or it's people who are not open-minded enough to receive the message in that has been confronting them in their careers, and then I am triggering certain things through my platform and they are now focusing their mind on me. That's what I've come to realise.

Speaker 1: 18:10

But Toy Talks platform and podcast is spiritual. I tried to avoid it and I was always confronted. I had to do it and I understand that everyone has a purpose in life and one of my purposes is the Toy Talks podcast. So as much as there is content to deliver, I will deliver it if there is listen. I I've committed to buy weekly episodes and I've done that ever since I realised that I needed to kind of have some time to myself. I was doing weekly. Those podcasts are still live on the on the podcast platforms and they are still so impactful.

Speaker 1: 18:49

So if you're starting from this episode, you need to go back. There's so many episodes to refer to, to learn from. That are now the backdrop for TikToks that I'm doing on TikTok, so I'm not reinventing a wheel here. These are my experiences, these are my life lessons, these are my blueprints and that's why I really encourage you all to re-listen to episodes and that's why in the show notes, I'm really clear about the content and the theme of the episode. Like I take my time to to write it all, to draft it, to put it together so that if you don't want to listen to episode one right up until episode 147 or 148 now, then you can at least look at the show notes and say, okay, I'll listen to that and if it encourages you to listen to other episodes, great.

Speaker 1: 19:43

I think that this year has been also about redefining boundaries. I think you see, when you have different things that happen in your life that change, that change you teach you, that become blessings. So it could be, if you get married, if you have a child, it could be a new job, it could be a promotion, it could be um, I don't know meeting a potential love of your life. I feel like, with everything that happened buying a house, a car, emigrating if everything that happens you're having to redefine your boundaries because sometimes, even though you have done the work to ensure the right people are in your life, sometimes there are certain levels you will go to and people around you may be triggered by it, because it either shows what they haven't done or sometimes jealousy, and I feel like when you are in different stages of your life, you may have a wide group of friends, but you'll tap into a certain amount of friends if that makes sense or if you have a small friendship group. It magnifies how people feel when there are good news or even bad news, and I will say it's really important to keep redefining those boundaries, to keep re-emphasizing to yourself the expectation that you have of yourself and the type of friends that you want around you. What type of friend are you and what type of friend friendships are you attracting?

Speaker 1: 21:29

I think that when we talk about life and this year and in previous episodes I've spoken about financial literacy and financial health, and that I've always had a really bad relationship with money up until the last, I'd say, seven years. Now, about seven years, I would say it's taken that long to be able to see him and say, not only do I have a better relationship with money, I have respect for it, but I'm under no illusion that I can. I could relapse back into bad habits very easily because when you start earning over a certain amount of money, your lifestyle changes, and I'll give you an example or something. I speak about my Instagram. Everyone's gonna find it funny, but is it really funny? So I remember before I met Kay, I just used to joke all around the tap. I mean, I'm sorry, I hand down money to this bottled water business and, plus, I didn't know the difference in waters.

Speaker 1: 22:25

When me and Kay got together, kay would only drink bottled water, and that's because he was living and working in Belgium and the water there was, he said it wasn't great, so he would drink bottled water. So when we started living together, he would always buy every one and it used to be an ore of it. Because I used to be like, wow, you must have good money for that. Because I could just open the tap and I said I pay for Tamer's water, so why would I? And Kay would always look at me like but I remember at home my dad would drink bottled water, but he'd drink bottled like Turkish water, like the big ones. I'd still drink from the tap.

Speaker 1: 23:04

So, fast forward, I started drinking Evion water and it was just, you know, because it was in the house and then I started realizing there's a difference between Evion water and tap water, albeit that you'd leave the tap water running and there would be ice cold. It was brilliant. But now I can't drink tap water. I can't. I can't actually drink it. So I drink Evion. And then, as my my career was changing and evolving, I became a contractor making more money, tax bracket changing. Then I started to drink Highland Springs, loved the stuff and then I did aqua and then went back to Highland Springs, back to aqua water and then Fiji water. I don't know who the hell. I thought I was drinking Fiji water, but can I just say disclaimer. Fiji water is the best water I have ever drank in my life. It is crisp and when it's cold and crisp, it's new, new levels of euphoria. Okay, I take water really seriously, but then when I had my daughter or when I was saving up for my maternity, that's, it's okay.

Speaker 1: 24:22

This cost of living crisis is, it's a lot, and Kay works in finance, so he has a very interesting view on what's happening. He manages all our finances in the house, all our investments, all the assets, everything. He manages it. And when I say manages it, you know we have family meetings about certain things. Okay, and I don't necessarily make a financial decision unless I've spoken to him, and it'll be if I don't agree with him. I still run it past him because, again, I'm leaning into his strength in finance and his understanding where he studied, where he has studied what, and he embodies finance. So Kay was like, listen, we're about to have a child. She's going into private nursery. It's going to be the biggest expense that we have. It costs more than our mortgage. So, you know, and across the living crisis, we're going to have to like, really look at things to make some cost savings where we can.

Speaker 1: 25:18

And as we're having this conversation, I'm doing a Sainsbury's order and then I'm doing a no-card order separately from my Fiji water. And then one day it hit me and I was like I can't do this, no more. My daughter's milk is 21 pounds a tin. She drinks kendo milk, goat milk, because she has an intolerance to cow's milk, because they suck you in. You see, kendo milk and um, is it nanny hair? Probably some of the best powdered milks. Um, for what I want anyway in terms of nutrients and what I would want for my child, right? So everyone's different. So I was like, right, if it's going to be 21 pound a tin and it's not just like now. She actually gets older, she's going through more tins and also, as well, I've got to provide a tin of milk to the nursery. You would think that they would find the money in the fees to pay for this milk. No, and then I was like I can't live like this. I'm gonna have to cut costs, because a 12 pack of Fiji water was cost me close to 30 quid, if not 40, I can't remember. Now don't make me go through my card playlist, because I don't want a flash pack of what I used to do. I had to cut it out. I had to cut out the Fiji water, and this is what I'm saying, like when I'm.

Speaker 1: 26:34

This year has been so reflective, from the financial aspects as well, when I think, no matter how much you earn, sometimes when you earn more money, your lifestyle changes. It really does. But I think the power of coming from poverty or coming from a poorer background is that you know where you came from, so you know where you don't want to go back to. Yeah, and I'm you know. My dad always used to say when you forget where you came from, you will always go back there. Whoo, if you forget where you have come from you will always go back there. I said I ain't going back, I'll cut out the Fiji water.

Speaker 1: 27:12

So I was on the aqua water. That's proving expensive as well and hard, hard to find in the shops as well. So my sister and I went out with Kay this evening and she brought back a bottle of Highland Sprins, because she's got a thing about water as well. But in Belgium they have good water, they've got a spa right. So my sister-in-law was like, oh, this is really nice to her, your water's good. But this is good. And I was like why did I stop drinking Highland Springs? I asked Kay. So she doesn't know. So I'll be going back to Highland Springs because I don't think I have any business drinking Fiji water. I just put the Highland Springs in the fridge. It's cold, I'll drink that, but there's nothing wrong with it. I just think that I forgot where I came from and I could have gone back there.

Speaker 1: 28:03

But I had a review of myself and this is what I'm talking about like we shouldn't just review ourselves in our life at the end of the year. I think we should have periodic reviews of our life in situ and I tend to do that. I tend to kind of reflect, reflect, reflect. But I think a lot has happened between the summer and now. But I haven't really been able to do that because things were just fast and now things are kind of like steadying and levelling out. I'm looking at things holistically and I'm reevaluating certain things in my life. Um, I had a conversation about my career. No one's really ever asked me certain questions about my career and my sister-in-law is like a specialist in HR, like she's good, like really good, and she asked me two questions about my career and it just catapulted the way I kind of wanted to approach certain things.

Speaker 1: 28:54

So, as the months go on, I'm going to reveal a few things um that I've been working on. So, um, I digress, sorry. You know my speaking tabs, you know like in the on the laptop. So I'm going back to the water tab, so I'm back to Highland Springs and I'm cutting my cloth, not just according to my size, but I'm cutting my cloth according to the interest rates, which is wild. We're all affected, um, a lot of us that locked in are are the interest on our mortgages for the last, for the next five years, in the next few years, we're going to have to. We're going to have to um reevaluate it, and I just don't understand. In America they can lock in their interest rate for 10-15 years. In the UK it's a maximum of five years.

Speaker 1: 29:43

There's so many things in the society that is broken. And another question I have to ask myself is do I see my life here in the UK? I have to ask myself that question because it's not just my life, it's my family, it's the family that I've created with my husband. It's my daughter's life. Can she fully live a full life as a child and be left as a child to grow as a child in this current society that's trying to shove things down children's throats, like kids can't be kids in this country anymore because they want to. A child may have a question about their gender and suddenly we're having questions about, or throwing down the child's throat about, gender reassignment. And do you, are you sure you're a girl or you're a boy, rather than just allowing children just to grow and flourish and who they are, and if they do want to change who they are as they get older, that becomes a choice.

Speaker 1: 30:40

But in this society where we're not allowing parents to parent, there are parents who want to actually parent. This society is hope put in one hand behind our back and then when the child derails, then suddenly what were the parents doing at home? So we're living in a society, for me personally, where I don't think children are allowed to be children. I think that the innocence of children is not protected enough in this society. I think that when somebody is convicted of a crime in this country, they don't serve always the full sentence, it's half and then the rest on good behavior they'll be let out on license. So you're dealing with a society that doesn't even have the stringent rules and sentencing powers to fully exercise the weight of the law. I personally don't know if I can continue living in the UK with a government as flaky as as an unpedicured foot. I don't know if I can live in a society that doesn't protect children in the way they should be protected by enabling them to just be children.

Speaker 1: 31:50

I go somewhere and buy my child a book and it will have all these beautiful colours of the rainbow. But before I give my child that book I have to look at it, scrutinize it and make sure it's appropriate for my child, because a rainbow is never just a rainbow anymore, or a word is never a word anymore. When you use the word inclusive, what are you really saying? What is the sentence? Or is it really just the word inclusive? When you're talking about like there's certain children's cartoons, they're not caught like I was. Listen, I grew up when it was Ren and Stimkey on TV, okay, like there was real cartoons, but now it's different. I've got to be watching these the programs and making sure that I'm doing my due diligence before I ever allow my child to be exposed. Even Miss Rachel her voice was too high pitch for my liking. She was too happy girl. That one was too loud. So I thought you know what these children that are glued to miss Rachel let me go have a look at was she, and miss Rachel was great, but it's the fact that even when she's being positive and she's talking about mama and dad, I have to make sure are what are you? You know what? What's my? And it's not like the light touch that I'm here at she's to do. We have to really sit there and like sense, check stuff.

Speaker 1: 33:07

And I say this all to say that this society that we live in it has changed so much from when I was a child. I was born in 84. It's just changed and now that I'm a mother, I look at life differently, because now I'm, it's always like I'm living my life, and then I'm looking at life from the eyes of my child and it's really scary. And I have friends that have upgraded to Australia, new Zealand, dubai, abu Dhabi, qatar. I've got one friend moving with her husband to Saudi Arabia and I get it. It's the Middle East an option, because I mean even the crime rates. So, for example, I went to Dubai when I was six months pregnant five and a half months, six months pregnant so that and I was treated like a queen. It was lovely, it was treated very well and I watched how children were treated and it's, it's clean, it's a very.

Speaker 1: 34:02

You don't listen, you don't go to the Middle East and get hype. You will get arrested. You can't be moving crazy and there's certain Middle Eastern countries that cultivate family life. I've got a friend who moved with her family to Nigeria and she was like Toya, it was the best decision I ever made. I've got another friend in South Africa and I've got a couple of people I know that moved to Canada. But all these people moved away from the UK and I never questioned it at the time, and I'm not questioning now. I'm just more questioning why didn't I pay attention to what was happening? So, yeah, life has really changed. Life is really changed and how I see life has changed. And please, please, please, please, please, please.

Speaker 1: 34:48

When we're reflecting on 2023, all the things that you cannot tick off your vision board does not mean that you have failed in any way. It just means life is life and things haven't necessarily gone according to plan. But I always say and I'll share it here you need to have lead manifestations, lead manifestations, and what I mean by that is you may have desired to buy a house. On your vision boards, you'll say need to buy a house in 2023 or 2024, now, but I don't think that's a great manifestation. I think the end goal should be the house. But what are the things that you need to do to prepare for the house? Do you need to have a certain amount of savings? That needs to go on your vision board, because that's going to hold you accountable that vision board, to making your end goal of buying a house more achievable. Is it that you have to keep your credit really good and make sure that you you know never default? That could go on your vision board. Is it that you're going to um twice a month buy something for your new house so that by the time you do get your house, you're not having to focus on the small stuff because you've got it already? That needs to be on your vision board, because all those things are sowing the seeds of the end goal that you are trying to manifest. That is how you do a vision board.

Speaker 1: 36:06

I have an episode called vision board and, um, I can't remember what it's called. Vision boards and manifestations. Can you imagine 149 episodes, 48 episodes? I will link it in the show notes and I talk about how I put my vision board together and I think the only thing I would add is the lead manifestation, because I was doing it anyway, but I just didn't call it anything.

Speaker 1: 36:30

You know, I think vision boards are really important that hold you accountable to achieving your end goal, but people focus on the end goal and don't focus on the in-between stuff, and I think that is a problem that we have in our society that we're so focused on a that we're not looking at in between A, what we need to do to get to A, and I feel like if we spend more time looking at the in-between stuff and working that through, the end goal becomes more achievable. They don't teach us that in school, do they? Um, I can't wait till my daughter gets to a certain age where I can do vision boards with her, because I'm sure she's got visions and she'll have things that she wants to aspire to, and it could be to get A in her math test. It could be to get the lead role in a in a in her theatre school as she goes to theatre school. It could be that she wants to be a mathematician. So she needs to make sure that she you know, her GCSE is bearing my own daughter's early seven months.

Speaker 1: 37:26

But what I'm trying to say is I need to teach her and she'll learn it from me that it's not just the end goal, it's the bits in between, because if you get the bits in between right or you hold yourself accountable in achieving them, you will get to your end goal, and we need to be nicer to ourselves in that you're not going to have what everyone's supposed to have. You're on your own journey and we know all of this, don't we? But rather than focusing on what other people are doing, if you focus on the in-between stuff, your lead manifestations. You've got no time to be looking at somebody else's journey. And every time your vision board is where is obvious. Say for mine is above my desk, I can't run away from it. Sometimes I catch my daughter looking at my vision board. I'm like, yes, girl, hold me accountable.

Speaker 1: 38:10

And we're living in a society that is really hard to save. Now listen, I'm on six figures. I'm telling you it's hard to save but we need to try and save because savings gives you a freedom. But in this society it's becoming harder to save with the cost of living prices. So I know that. But there was something my dad used to tell me to do when I was younger and he said say, save 50 pound a month, just put a stand and all the same 50 pound a month, and remove your mind. And I remember one day um, I was at uni and I was struggling, I needed some money and I remember that 50 pounds a month but I would save it and that was a good 500 pounds in an account that I didn't even remember. But I was saving and I've lived by that. I do it for my daughter's account. I'll save a set amount every week and just close my mind and I don't even know what's it. How much is in that account now? And I'll do that for the rest of my life. I'm going to teach her to do it.

Speaker 1: 39:09

Sometimes it's not about the big steps we make, it's the small steps. If you don't earn enough money already, how are you supposed to save? That's what I always used to say. But even if I save a pound, I'm saving something. Even if it's five pounds, I'm saving something.

Speaker 1: 39:23

I feel like we trivialize what society doesn't deem as large enough. When sometimes you have to take small steps to take the big strides, you have to take the small steps to take the big strides. But no one wants to talk about that. Everybody's got their right on living that Dubai lifestyle or living that Burmares and Birkin Selfridges lifestyle. And don't get it twisted. I like nice things, but I like savings, because savings gives me freedom. Savings gives me the ability to tell you to stick your job if it's too much for me. Savings gives me the ability to say you know, if you don't want to negotiate with me, it's fine, I need your job, I'll walk away from this and I'll wait until the right job comes.

Speaker 1: 40:06

Savings gives you an advantage. Savings gives you an, a secret advantage. It gives you a freedom that allows you the opportunity to make autonomous decisions. But in order to have savings, you have to have a better relationship with money to know the value of savings. And I also accept that you have to be in the financial position to have savings. And this is why I've always said to every one of you on this podcast that has listened it's really important that you learn to negotiate. So many of you are still writing to me saying that you were offered a role, you accepted it, but now you're looking back and, in hindsight, you should have negotiated. You can't say those things to me because I've got episodes of knowing your value advocating for yourself.

Speaker 1: 40:59

Financial health and financial wealth comes from the wealth of the mind. You have to know that you are deserving of more than what the crumbs of what society are offering you. I always leave by this the first thing I'm offered is society are crumbs. If I just accept that, even if you're offered 90 000, I still have to accept that the first thing society is going to offer me is crumbs, because we're living in a society that doesn't respect black women, doesn't value black women and doesn't understand the value of what I've had to go through to get to a position where I'm able to sit in front of you in interview. So what you are going to give me is the bare minimum. And you're going to give me the bare minimum because you're going to use me as a cost saving exercise, and you're going to do that so that you can report that you've made savings through taking away from my plate. So if I start from the position of, you are going to start by giving me crumbs I don't like crumbs. People don't get full from crumbs. I need a loaf. So in order to get a loaf, I need to negotiate, because you cannot pay me what I'm worth, but you will pay me what I deserve. You will not pay me what I'm worth, because why would you want to do that? But you are going to pay me what I deserve. The negotiation masterclass is still valid today. I use every single technique in that masterclass, every single one. I will be offered a really, really good job and if you don't negotiate with me, I'll walk away. You've got to negotiate something because if you're inflexible at this stage, god knows what you're going to be in the throes of employment I don't want to find out.

Speaker 1: 42:41

I was offered a role. My daughter was three months pregnant and I was interviewing because I was terrified that I would lose that edge because my hallmarks were all over the place and I would forget how to be a good, you know, commercial contract consultant. I was listen, my hallmarks were crazy and I suffered from postpartum. I still had an interview. Yeah, I'm that babe in that interview. I was.

Speaker 1: 43:08

I was offered a role and they offered me 85, no, 80,000 pounds. It was a perm roll. I knew I wasn't going to accept a perm roll but I just thought let me go for the interview and it was with a good company. It was a three stage interview. I'd literally given birth not too long ago. I was still healing me and it reinforced a few things that I've still got it when it comes to interviewing and, like I said, I get 95% of the jobs I've been interviewing for so tick.

Speaker 1: 43:44

But now I needed to exercise my negotiation skills because has being a mother, has becoming a mother, changed my chemicals in my mind, my hormones. I know I'm really weird, but these are the things that are going through my mind. So I said, first of all, I need you to put that this is a remote role in the contract, because through the interview stage and the process I've been told this is remote, but your contract doesn't say remote. Secondly, you've offered me 80,000. I'm really sorry.

Speaker 1: 44:15

As a contractor I know I earn so much more, but if you're expecting me to be perm, I need to negotiate my salary up For this perm role. I think you can at least offer me 95,000 pounds. I just 95. They said, yep, we can give you 96, we can give you 95. Now I know I could have got at least I'd say, 110, 120,000 a year because we're negotiating. If I went back and said 110 or 115 as a minimum, they would have accepted. I know that. But I said 95 because I thought let me see if you will move. And obviously I looked on the market. I know the job is valued at about 100,000, but I know how much they really wanted me, so I knew I could stretch that to at least 120,000. So let's start at 95 and depending on what they concede in the contract. If they don't concede in certain things, then I'll say, okay, well, I need more money here. So, for example, the pension scheme that they offer isn't great. I've got my personal pension. So what I could say is rather than you know, say 95, I want about 120,000 because the pension that accounts for, however, percentage of this package. I have a private pension. That's how I'd be negotiating. So I'm with the pension.

Speaker 1: 45:42

He was like so, first of all he said we can accept 95,000 with the pension. Like, we understand where you're coming from. So if you're now saying that actually your salary will increase, then we need to also know what is your maximum? What's the minimum that you would accept? Because we're assuming 95 isn't the minimum. So then they were like unfortunately we can't put remote in the contract. You just agree with your manager and it's fine. So I said well, first of all, my line manager's in Florida, she'll be in Florida, that's when she lives. So what if she decides to leave or you promote her into another role and somebody like they're. There is no contractual agreement to honour the remote role and if it's one of the basis of accepting the role, I'm gonna be screwed.

Speaker 1: 46:29

And they came back to me. They said to me we can negotiate the 95 again. If there was a minimum you know that you will accept, but we are not prepared to put the remote aspect of this role in the contract. They're talking to a commercial contract consultant here. I walked away, I said no and they emailed me. They said Toya, are you sure about this? Because the senior partners quite happy to have a you know, a one-on-one conversation with you because they were shocked that I would walk away from this. They're gonna give me more than 95, which is more than the 80. Now they're gonna be more manny, like just the word remote, that's how they were making it. But it has enough savings and enough self-belief that I was able to say no.

Speaker 1: 47:23

And also as well, I know I'm a contractor, but I think I was worried about how the market was changing and everyone in my field was like, oh, the market's really tough at the moment. I was worried about my ability to actually do my job as a contractor because my hallmarks were over the place. I couldn't remember a damn thing. I'm a mother. How do you balance motherhood and work, life and everything else? Like my life has changed. Oh my god. Panic, panic, panic. Let me look at what the per market is saying. That was the only reason I was driven to apply for that job and in the throes of my postpartum depression, in the throes of my pain and anguish that I felt during my labor and then now learning to be a mum of a new baby, sleep deprived, I still managed to secure a job. My child was three months old.

Speaker 1: 48:21

I believe in myself because I feel like sometimes life will push you, push you to the edge, and you have to make a decision to bet on yourself, not against yourself. So this year I made a decision that if I'm not betting on myself, I'm betting against myself in all aspects of my life and I've proven to myself that I can, I will and I always. Welfare is our set to increase by 4.9% and if we're gonna talk about financial literacy and savings and stuff like that, this is a massive, massive increase that affects each and every one of us, because what we're saying is organizations are forcing forcing especially perm employees to come in Monday to Friday in some roles, mandating three days in other roles and putting people on final warnings for not coming in three days a week, and there is this sustained push for five days. It's free is two days, then it's three days, then it's five days. It's unsustainable when the rail fare fares are going up but salaries are not being increased, yeah, and even if you negotiate your salary up right, there is still an element that when there's an increase, you can't foresee a 4.9% increase. You can factor increases in your negotiations, but 4.9 even I couldn't have foreseen that it would be 4.9. You joking. It costs me to get into London about 50 pounds, and that also includes parking my car for the day at the train station. I go into London one day a week, every Wednesday, and to be fair it's fair because everyone on the project is in one day a week I'm gonna say haven't told you something.

Speaker 1: 50:37

The rail increases of 4.9% is set to come into effect in April. So end of March, april, a new financial year I'm gonna be going to the end client saying to them I can no longer afford to come in. I'm gonna go to them and sell them I can no longer afford to come in. So if you want me to come every week, you have to pay for it. However, I'm willing to come in biweekly. That's the compromise, and if they don't accept the compromise, I'll walk away from the contract. That's where I'm at.

Speaker 1: 51:10

I have so many people that write into me about certain things I've learned from the podcast and from the master classes, and there are remote roles. There are people who have managed to sustain remote roles. There are people who are going into remote roles, negotiating remote roles that were previously advertised as in-person roles, and I'm sitting here telling you that I have had people come to me and say to ya, how am I gonna deal with childcare if I'm required to go in mandated three to four days a week? No, what am I gonna do? I already don't have lunch so that I can leave early to pick up my child. But now you're telling me that there's a cost of living crisis already that I have to deal with, and now there's a rail increase, and now you want me in five days, but you're not gonna pay me the extract that would cover transportation.

Speaker 1: 51:59

I just have to take it from the peanuts that people that I'm being offered by my employer and I will always say this, as I've said this before as employees, as contractors, we, a lot of us, lost our power, and I say us. I lose my power because I stuck to my guns. I saw the benefits and the rewards of being a remote worker and I maintained it post pandemic lockdowns. I maintained it when the roles I had before I had my daughter. They were all remote. I had two contracts operating at the same time and even before then I had another two contract. They were all remote.

Speaker 1: 52:33

Every role is remote, so they are. The remote roles are there, especially in IT, tech, digital. I've seen them a lot more but they're there and you shouldn't be afraid to negotiate. So where I work they've been told that they need to come in. I think it's four days, four or five days a week, I can't remember. And the senior programs? I rector said oh, you know, it's, it's for the perma staff, it's got nothing to do with contractors. You guys kind of work for yourselves, don't you? There is an understanding where I work that that doesn't apply to me. It can never apply to me. But then I've gone on their forums and I've seen people literally someone was like I'm in absolute tears at the prospect of the fact that I'm gonna have to walk away from this job or resign because I'm not coming in five days a week. She wrote it in the forum with her name. She even wanted to put anonymous and I don't blame that, because it's crazy like the. The cost of butter is mad, the cost of bread is mad, the cost of basic sustenance is bad. Then you have increases in rail fares that have increased year on year even before the pandemic, because they can't be what pandemic now. Before the pandemic was increasing year on year. And this is the conservative party that some of you voted for that are now going to be start doing their manifestos and campaigning for your vote. They want to be reelected to continue to increase those prices and continue to make our lives difficult. This is the party that you are gonna gonna vote for again, not me.

Speaker 1: 54:06

I want an easy life. I want a peaceful life. I pay so much money in taxes twice because I pay taxes as an individual. I pay taxes as a business and I'm telling you I don't get any benefit out of it none. I go to the NHS. I'm sitting there waiting for five hours. I go to the NHS. I'm begging to be seen or get a referral from a fibroids. I'm begging to get treatment. I go through maternity care and I'm begging to get a consultant to make sure that I get that one-to-one care because my fibroids in case one of them burst during childbirth, and I'm literally telling them how to do their jobs. But I'm paying taxes, I get cancelled and hospital appointments can't get an appointment with my GP without flipping, arguing with them, flipping, flipping lions of bloody receptionists. But I pay for that receptionist through my taxes. I don't get the benefit of the taxes I pay at source. And then again, is this country where I want to be? Because this is mad. It's becoming unsustainable to live a happy life in this country.

Speaker 1: 55:13

So when you see doctors and nurses emigrate into Australia because not only do they get the good weather but they get in, paid good money and are well taken care of, do you blame them? No, I don't. When you've got people leaving in droves to go and emigrate to different countries, do you blame them? No, I don't. Why am I begging, begging and this was me paying into the system. Before I knew about therapy and really understanding therapy, I begged my GP to do a referral for a therapist. Do you know, after two years of that referral, I still didn't get a therapist. That was after my dad died. I knew I had to pay privately. So I'm paying into my health care system because I have no choice and I'm paying again because the health care system itself is broken.

Speaker 1: 56:08

Conservatives, I say all of this to say in this end of year wrap up, you need to look at life properly and, as the years are now going on, we have to make better choices about the government we vote for, about the strength of our vote, about having those difficult conversations with your employers and making sure that you have a exit plan for certain jobs. Because I'm telling you, as I've told you before, there's no such thing as a job for life. No one gives a shit if you've been a job 10 years, I don't care when they're ready to make you redundant. They give a shit that you've been there 10 years. They only worry them is the redundancy package that have to offer you. That's about it. You don't owe any organisation any loyalty, because if they owed you any loyalty, with the rate rising increases in taxes and in interest rates and with travel rates, they would just automatically just give you a pay bump to reflect the difficulties that we're all encountering. Now You've got to come up with a strategy of negotiation. You've got to go back and forth. It's fucking exhausting, if you ask me Now.

Speaker 1: 57:24

I never thought that this episode would go down this road, but we're down this road and I'm saying this all to say that we need to start having those difficult conversations because some of you are waiting for this noise Knock, knock, knock that knock on the door. Hi, darling, we'd like to give you an increase. Are you okay to accept an increase? That's not going to happen, babe. You deserve more. Oh, but, toya, I'm not sure, because I don't have a lot of experience. I feel like if I stay here for another year and get my experience bullshit, bullshit you could be working for somewhere for a year and that's more than enough experience. My question is how have you reflected that experience in your CV? Have you purchased that CV MasterCast? Have you invested in your next stage of your career or your next decision-making master? Have you invested?

Speaker 1: 58:23

I think we all have similar issues but tackle it in different ways. So for me it's, you know, one day a week in London. It's not bad in comparison to what I've heard, but I'm a remote working babe and whilst going into London, it is great for my mental health, I'm not gonna lie, it is and it gives me an opportunity to kind of see what's going on in the world of work in an actual workplace, and also, just, you know, my daughter's in nursery. You know I'm kind of going back into like civilization a little bit, but it's expensive. Now money could be going towards my child. So in April I'm gonna be having somewhat difficult conversations for them, not difficult for me.

Speaker 1: 59:07

And the reason I'm leaving it until April is because I need to be embedded in enough that the risk of losing me is too great that they will just accept bi-weekly yes, strategic, because once you deliver and you become an asset, the idea of you no longer being there creates a problem for them, not for me. I'll still apply for other roles. I'll still have meetings and interviews and stuff, because if they don't agree, I'm quite happy to leave. I will honor that promise to them to leave Because I'm done with being uncomfortable. I'm done with being financially constrained, because I'm living in a society that doesn't respect the fact that we have to work to pay into a system that doesn't work for us. I'm tired. How about that? Ah, wow, boris Johnson can literally do no wrong. This man has a column in a newspaper after everything that he's been doing, and he's done the whole pandemic fiasco. If this life is not a simulation, I don't know what is, but we know. Ha ha ha.

Speaker 1: 1:00:19

I'm currently watching the Bibleing on Netflix and Married to Medicine, and I actually wanted to touch on Married to Medicine, but I'm not gonna do that. In this episode, one of the earlier episodes in the new year, I'm gonna discuss Quad and the Married to Medicine ladies, because if you don't watch Married to Medicine, please watch it. It's one of the best reality shows that's out there. Follow in Black female doctors, black and also male doctors as well, and the whole idea of being married to medicine is the idea of being married to a doctor or being back. I think heaven needs a dentist, isn't she? But just seeing them living in their like, living in their truth, and I love it and I love seeing Black physicians, it's amazing. It shouldn't even be called Married to Medicine. It should be Married to Physicians, janeen, because it's not only Dave Doctor, one lady's an anesthetist, is it? Oh no, no, that's a real house on the Beverly Hills.

Speaker 1: 1:01:19

I am digressing, I'm mixing up my reality shows, sorry. So, yeah, I wanna talk about Married to Medicine. So I wanna talk about the Bible as well, because it deals with the issue there's commonly been dealt with, an issue of the theme of friendship, and I've spoken about friendship before, but it's. This theme is really different. It really talks about the essence of what loyalty is and I love. I'm really enjoying the Bible. Married to Medicine is really really good, so make sure you keep an eye out for that episode that's gonna come out. So I'm gonna do a deep dive analysis on the current series of Married to Medicine. So I know a lot of you watch these reality shows, so make sure. And if you are still needing to catch up, I know Amazon Prime is now showing Married to Medicine. Whether it's the latest episode I don't know, but I know it's the latest season.

Speaker 1: 1:02:06

I just wanna say, as I do all the time, but I really wanna give a heartwarming thank you to each and every one of you for rocking with me my Toya Talks journey, but really rocking with the Toya Talks brand. And I'm not looking for fame. I ain't looking for anything other than to just impart knowledge and to learn and to continue to teach, guide and educate black women how to navigate the world of work safely and, in turn, highlight the path of our success. That has always been the ethos of Toya Talks and it will continue to be the ethos of the brand. And I don't know where the podcast will go Maybe in 2024, I'll be more open to do collaborations. I don't know I have some prerecorded episodes that I haven't released and I will be releasing them in 2024. There's one where I did with one of the co-owners of the wedding coordinators. I still have not posted that and I was meant to post that in October.

Speaker 1: 1:03:07

But life has been life-ing and I've learned to give myself grace because I work really hard. I went back to work. My child was literally shy of seven months. It was a day before she was seven months old. I went back to work. Yeah, I didn't have the full one year off.

Speaker 1: 1:03:23

No, so I give myself grace because I try my best. I do not operate my life on a bare minimum basis. I always come in abundance of knowledge, in grace, and I always come with an abundance of wanting to teach and educate. So if it means that I haven't done certain things, I'm not a robot, and if I was, I'd be an AI. But it's fine, I'm not a robot. I am just a black woman that has attained touch, felt an enjoying success, and I wanna teach you all how I did it, how I'm doing it, how I'm still navigating and also how I'm getting my money up. That's what I'm trying to teach here. And still having to navigate white-dominated spaces, micro-macro-gression, racism, discrimination on different levels and also just being made to feel like I don't belong or I need to be better. These are things I'm trying to teach here how I'm managing to navigate, and whilst it is often very exhausting, I feel like the information is very much needed because if it was the younger me, I wish somebody taught me some of the stuff I've had to now learn and teach, because I feel like I've avoided quite a few things. But as I get older and I see life for what it is, there's nothing like kind of cheating death through childbirth. That really gives you a unique perspective of life and a lower tolerance for bullshit. Happy New Year, of course, merry Christmas, but happy New Year.

Speaker 1: 1:04:58

Thank you so much for all your love, support, dms, testimonies, dilemmas, listens, downloads, shares, reshares. Thank you for all the positivity that you show me. Thank you for all the group chat conversations that you create based on some of the topics and the themes of the Toy Talks podcast. Thanks for re-listening to some of the episodes. Thanks for finding me. Thanks for being a new listener, a reoccurring listener. Thank you for being an avid follower. Thank you for being an avid follower of the shared want and need to succeed. Thank you for all your beautiful DMs. Thank you for all the comments you leave on the podcast Platforms like Spotify and Apple. I read all of them. Thank you for participating in some of the polls that I put up on Spotify. Thank you for watching on TikTok sharing, resharing. And thank you for always coming here to listen, to learn, to support, to grow and to be better. Here is to 2024. More grace, more money, more happiness, success, love, peace, life. Thank you so much. My name is Toy Washington and you have been listening to the Toy Talks podcast.