E165: Unpacking Family of Origin- Finding Strength Through Breakthroughs

In this compelling episode, we delve into the complexities of family dynamics and the impact they have on our lives. Join us as we explore a therapy session where breakthroughs were made, revealing the deep-seated struggles of growing up in challenging environments. From feeling alone amidst a bustling family to coping mechanisms like alcohol, our guest shares candidly about their journey. Through poignant anecdotes and reflections, we uncover the profound effects of familial relationships and the quest for understanding and healing. Tune in as we navigate the emotional terrain of family of origin and discover the resilience found in facing our past.

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Transcript

Matt: 0:00

I'm Matt.

Steve: 0:00

Hey, I'm Steve.

Matt: 0:01

Hey, I'm John. This is the Sober Friends podcast. We're here for the Sober Curious. The new guy and the old timer. Here to talk about the stuff. Anyone looking to live alcohol free has to face day to day. How we overcame the struggles. We speak for No. 12 step group, but we do try to remain anonymous. You're not alone. This is the Sober Friends podcast. All right. I'm going to share a little bit about a therapy session that I had during the week that I thought was a bit of a breakthrough. And even though I talked about this in therapy, I talked about it quite a bit more than what I normally talk about. And that's my family of origin, Steve and my family of origin sucks. I think I've talked about why my family of origin sucks in the past, but I had a little bit of a break through there and I think the breakthrough was I felt alone most of the time growing up. I felt alone most of the time, probably through getting married, and I had nothing to guide me through not feeling that way. So my only crutch was alcohol. Yeah, that's all I had. So I, I, I guess we'll start that way. Is growing up. I have an early memory of being accidentally on purpose, burned by a cigarette by my family members. And I think this happened multiple times. And my mother did like nothing about it, but my mother was interested in protecting me from, like, the outside stimuli. I remember when I moved from having a Subaru to a Honda, she freaked out and it was I mean, probably in my thirties, if not forties, not really. Her decision to make, but I didn't need four wheel drive anymore. I probably didn't need four wheel drive when I had the Subaru, but she thought that that was a safe thing that was going to keep me from getting into an accident. Now that I have a Honda, I could see the freak out that, Oh my God, we've got to put you in bubble wrap. But protecting me from the emotional harm or giving me the life lessons to get through things was not something she could do.

Steve: 2:16

Yeah, I think when it comes to family of origin, it takes it takes some time for some of us, depending on how that is right for us to be. I think it takes time for many of us to get to adulthood ourself and maybe to start a family, to start to really understand that relationship between parent and child and how hard that looked and how that felt. You know, I grew up with five siblings, six of us total, and I still felt very much alone. Right. Did I even in that family, even with a lot of stuff going around, even with a lot of cousins, like I said, I have very big family, very close to my cousins and all a lot of it. I felt very much alone. So I think that's an internal thing and part of that and I remember I remember talking to a friend years ago, a guy I worked with, I don't know if she was a friend. He was, but he was a good guy that I worked with and he was in the program and we were talking this was early on the program. Like I didn't tell anybody I was in the program early on. He was one of the few people who knew I was in the program and he would he would talk. He said to me once, he was like, oh, people would say, oh, I grew up in a normal childhood. And, you know, I had a good dad. And he'd go and he would he would ask them, Did your dad go outside and throw the ball? BASH And and they'd go, No. Did he do this? And they'd go, No. And all of a sudden he go. They would start bawling, realized that they didn't have this normal childhood. Right. And that was my dad, because my an adult, my dad, like my dad. And again, I mean, I didn't realize it, but I realize it today that my dad was trying to raise six kids on a, you know, factory, low paying factory job and all. He could probably do is work. And my dad drank a lot, too. Like, that was the whole thing. We've talked about it like my family of origin. There was alcohol all the time. There was a time I thought my dad had a problem, but my dad was able to self-regulate at the point I shared before, my mom was an alcoholic. And I you know, when my when my mom got so bad that she couldn't function anymore, my dad was able to regulate his stuff and then take over. And my dad basically raised my two younger sisters because my mom was not there at that time. But that family of origin stuff, it's tough. I spent a lot of you know, I spent several years in therapy talking about some of that stuff. And it's a difficult thing I shared about it for I have I have very little memories of my younger life. Like, I don't I think my life was so chaotic back then is that I just chose to block it out. And I mean that I don't feel like I have very few memories of right up to probably fifth or sixth grade. Like that whole thing, it's almost blank for me. Um, and you shared some, like, I don't mean I've talked about it. Like, I don't think there was any abuse, any, you know, known abuse in my family. Um, and but I don't know, It's it's a, it's a strange thing, but.

Matt: 5:23

I have sharp views of abuse from when I was probably two or three, my father beat the living hell out of my mother, and so they divorced. I haven't seen my father since 1982. He he has since passed. He passed a few years ago, but he would come visit me because I found this out later. He would come visit me from New Jersey because he was doing something else in the area. He had family. I lived in Western Mass. He had family who lived in Otis. And when he would go visit his family and Otis on the way back, he would come to visit me. So I was never a destination for him. I was in another stop right in. I can remember that. I knew he was my father, but he was like this other guy. I didn't have like the same relationship. Okay, this is a relative I don't see very often to look forward to. Right. And I just remember him being really cranky, which I can imagine, because he drank a gallon. He drank a bottle of Gallo a day, those big old jugs. So I didn't have a father growing up. He didn't provide child support. And I have memories of them screaming at each other. So I was I was a party to that type of abuse. And that's part of the way my mother had to raise me was under that shadow. So she had her own weight on her back.

Steve: 6:52

Yeah, that's got to be difficult. It's got to be difficult. Like I said, having that feeling that like, it's something that I can't help know, that I really can't relate to. But. But feeling like that, like you said, that feeling like, Oh, I'm just another stop on this trip, right? I'm not a destination. And I have that same I have that same feeling with a sister with a sibling of mine. And I may have shared about it here before, but I have a sister who lives in Ohio and we were real close. She's my closest sister in age wise. We were very close. She's three years younger than me. And she moved she moved early on down to Florida and then she moved to Ohio. And I would always like wherever she was living, I'd go visit her. And I spent I spent a long time going to visit. Even after I was married with kids. I would go there and my sister used to come, just like your father did, right? My sister used to come east or north, depending on what it was. And if it finally occurred to me one day is that, like, she would always come up here to see friends and do things, and she would let me know. Maybe she would let me know. There was times where she wouldn't even let me know she was in town and she would say, Oh, here's where I'm going to be. If you want to come visit me, that's where I'm going to be at. I'm going to be at Lizzie's house, so I'm going to be here if you want to come visit me. My seeing me was never a destination for her, and I spent a lot of time making sure I did a lot of stuff in Ohio for my work. I would always stop and see the family. And I'll tell you, that was really painful. So I can't even imagine how painful that was. Like as soon as you were able to sort of understand that emotion of not being a destination for your dad. Right. I mean, that's regardless of how you might think it makes you feel. I just think it's got to be a really difficult feeling for a child. And it really is one of those things that could affect you going on. And and for people like us, for you and I, who have this tendency to use drugs and alcohol to to, you know, gloss over those feelings, then it's the perfect start to that. Right? Right. That starts at a young age. And then so when you finally find that magic a magic elixir that it was alcohol, you're like, Oh shit, this makes me feel this makes me forget about. I don't and I want to never want to say it made me feel good. It did make me feel good, right? Even a little buzz on feels good. But it more than that, it made me forget about a lot of those feelings. It made me ignore those feelings once I found alcohol. And I think that's what a lot of people feel. And, you know, when you come from a family of origin that includes alcoholism, has some really chaos or stress or abuse in it, yeah, it's easy to find alcohol and drugs as an outlet.

Matt: 9:55

Alcohol gave me the strength through to push through. Yeah, that's a great way to do it, because there are many times I walk into a situation where I look around and people are not going to want to like me or talk to me or be around me. And I think that is the genesis of me being shy, is that I'm going to get rejected. So if I have alcohol, that's going to help me push through. Yeah, and that was a big issue with me quitting drinking is how am I going to have that strength to have conversations with other people because I needed alcohol to do that. Now that's where 12 step work comes in, right? I didn't know that. That it's not about you just put the drink down. It's about you get different skills so that you can push through where you need the alcohol. You actually get real tools so you can act like a human being.

Steve: 10:56

Right? Here is what I found, okay, is that I realized after years, I mean, I was well into my probably my forties when I first started to realize it, certainly into my fifties when I came back is that I was doing therapy and talking to my therapist and we would talk most most of my therapy was about was what was happening my life at that time, which was I went through a divorce, I was trying to blend the family and that was really hard. Like we were really struggling with that and that's sort of what sent me there, and it's what we spent most of our time discussing. But we were discussed, talked about family of origin also. And one of the things that came up was that, you know, as I realized that growing up in an alcoholic family with an alcoholic mom, okay, that just like you, like I felt I felt abandoned. Right. Because my mom was never there. I mean, I thought she was as a kid, I you know, I didn't know any better, but I thought she was. But and I it impacted my ability to relate to women, significant women in my life in a way that I just I just didn't understand. Right. And just like you, you felt like you weren't going to be, like, to talk to or you weren't comfortable. I always felt or rejected. I always felt like whatever that significant woman in my life doesn't exist in a female in my life like that would always end badly. Mm hmm. Like, I would always be abandoned. I would always be rejected. And. And, you know, how could I develop a healthy relationship with, like, that underlying stuff? And again, what would happen is when that would happen, when I would see that, you know, what I feel, but not even when it would happen, when I would feel like it was happening. Right? It would push me into much more alcohol abuse than I would do before. So it was this it was this revolving door. And it really wasn't until I did my step work right And in my step work in combination with my therapy, that I was able to sort of dig through that. And once I realized because what happened was I realized that my step work, that my biggest problem was fear, and that was it. And then I was like, Oh, yeah, I fear. I fear that my relationship is going to feel like I'm going to end up alone without a partner. Like and, and, and that fear for me would turn into anger. So it's it's really, really important for me and I think for a lot of other people to embrace these steps. And as we always say, we have to apply these steps to all aspects of our lives, you know? And that's what gets me through the.

Matt: 13:50

Is that all of our lives are all aspects of our lives, I should say. Right? That's where the steps come in. The steps are not crazy scary things. It's the scaffolding that gives us the opportunity to live. Yeah, and there are a lot of people who know how to live just naturally. I wasn't one of those people.

Steve: 14:11

Yeah, me neither.

Matt: 14:12

I needed something to walk me through. How to get through life on a day to day basis without drinking. And boy, did I learn with the steps. That fear is a big thing for me. We talked about this a lot. I was on Marc Marc's podcast recovered and we talked about fear and fear of money and fear of losing people. And this is a big trigger for me, that fear aspect, and I think that fear of being rejected. So fear of being rejected in fear of being alone are a big issue for me.

Steve: 14:46

Yeah, Yeah, me too. I mean, not so much anymore. I really in this, you know, this is the whole thing that's happened to me is that through stop work and to therapy, I haven't gone to therapy in a long time. Um, but through my therapy of the past and my stop work of the present, actually, I don't have that fear anymore. And it's not that I don't think about it. It's not that I think, but I just don't have it. I like I today I realize that regardless of what life puts in front of me, I really do. And again, this is a little bit cliche ish, but I really feel this way. Like whatever, regardless of what life puts in front of me, that I realize I'm going to be okay. And I today I have the structure and the support to get me through whatever that might be. And I really feel that today. Um, so, you know, so, so I'm able to live a life differently. I don't live under those fears today as I used to live under. And that's freeing. And again, for me, for me, that's all because that's mostly because of this program. Mostly not all. Mostly because of this program that was able to find these steps, which is why we talk about it. Right? I mean, this this is the program that worked for me, right? There's programs that work for other people. But this is the program that freed me from all that stuff. And therefore, you know, allowed me to be able to move, you know, almost free and carefree through life.

Matt: 16:24

You. Yeah, I still have issues. The your issues don't go away. When you go through the steps and you quit drinking. And I certainly thought that they would go away. What I found was I had the tools to get through when I didn't feel good. You know, one of those tools is knowing when to go get therapy and when you don't have to. And I had to go back to therapy because I can't get rid of all of my issues with the steps alone. It helps with alcohol. But there are things outside of alcoholism that I need work with. But that's that's the foundation of everything that I have. And I realize that when I'm having a bad day, I do have those tools to help me get through. And it's okay to feel emotion. I will tell you, the emotion piece for me is very, very difficult there. So this is I feel very silly sharing this. There's a podcast that I like that's on daily and the host announced that he was leaving and I was very emotional yesterday.

Steve: 17:31

Yeah.

Matt: 17:32

Very emotional. And it's nobody I know. But you realize that with something like a podcast, the podcast is with you on your routine, on your drives, on your docs with the dog going to the gym. There are certain times a day that I listen to certain podcasts and it's almost like they're along with me for the routine, and before you know it, you rely on these people. And I'm sure that there are people listening to this that are the same way. And then all of a sudden that's gone from you that you think is always going to be there. And it's like, What am I going to do now in the afternoon? What am I going to do on my dog walk? I rely on this person and I was and this is part of my dealing with loss, that feeling like everybody's going to go away. They're going to eventually reject me, realize what a piece of shit I am, and they'll go away.

Steve: 18:34

Yeah, I mean, we talk about that little Imposters imposter syndrome. Yeah, many of us have. And I felt that my whole life to, you know, you. You said something there that's really, I think is really important. And you said, you know, I thought my problems would go away. But today I realized they're not going to. But they have tools to get me through my problem. And that was part of my issue, too, is that when I first came into this program, I thought because I started I stopped drinking, that my life would just magically get better. And it didn't work out that way for me. No. And I, you know, ended up drinking. I told anybody who's listened to this or know me and they know my story. I ended up drinking and I relapsed after 14 years of not drinking. And it's amazing. And I'd much rather, I guess, is the point I'm trying to make. I much rather instead of having a life where my problems went away, have a life where I have tools to handle the problems in front of me, which is what we have. Right. And that's what you said today. I have tools that allow me to handle these problems. Okay. Do I use them all the time? Of course not. Do I? You know, No. We're human with it. Right in my perfect with it? Of course not. But the point is, and this is why I feel a sense of calm pretty much over my life, my future, whatever it might be, is because I know I have these tools. And here's the important thing that we always talk about in our recovery, regardless of the program, regardless if it's a regardless of who's anything else, you need to find your community.

Matt: 20:22

Yes, absolutely.

Steve: 20:23

Because here's what I know, is that when I if I feel like I don't have the tools, I don't know how to fix this problem that I'm facing, there are people out there who I can rely on who can help me, maybe help me with that problem, maybe not help me with that problem. But what they can do is let me know that I'm not alone and that I don't have to go through something like that alone. And that just gives me so much confidence and such a great feeling to know that I have this huge support stuff out there. You know, like the staff, these people who are just waiting to prop me up, if that's what I need. So, you know, that's an incredible feeling. And again, you know, if you're new to this to recovery or you're thinking about it, there is nothing I can emphasize more to you then as you go through your discovery or your program, if you're new or even if you've been around for a while and you're feeling like a little stuck or something, fine. Your community, as I like to say, find your people and and embrace those people so that they're there for you when you need them.

Matt: 21:39

Absolutely. You know, this is why I share this stuff on the podcast. There's a lot of stuff I'd rather not share, but I share my pain because I'm hopeful that somebody else will identify with it and think about, Hey, yeah, I'm going through that too. I'm not alone in thinking I'm feeling that way and feel a little better because of that or guide themselves into some type of help. I have these feelings and I go get help for it. I go to meetings, I talk to people. I try not to isolate. I'm not great at that and try to do the next right thing so that I can be helpful. I am constantly thinking forward, How can I help somebody else?

Steve: 22:22

Right? That's that's what we need to do. I mean, we need to get out of ourselves. Look at other you know, look at other options. Look at things to do. You know, it's just for me, it's it's just a lifelong process. It's it's something, you know, it's not scary. And again, if you're out there and you're thinking about this, it's like, oh, this is work. And so how do I like? It's none of that. It really isn't. You know, my my sobriety has given me stuff that is absolutely incredible and, you know, I just I can't embrace it enough to help me. And again, it hasn't changed my sobriety, have not changed my financial situation at all. Yeah, right. I mean, that right. I mean, it hasn't done anything like that. It hasn't changed my financial future at all. So so, you know, I still have all that. I mean, I don't I'm not a person where I don't have to ever worry about money in the rest of my life. Um, so but it's given me the freedom to just be relax about that. It really it's given me a freedom to relax while all the things I used to I used to be worried about and I don't know, you know, to me, it's just like it's such a gift. And if I spend time thinking about other people, then that's less time. I have to think about myself, which is a good thing usually, right? It really is. It's a good thing. And it's one of the reasons why, you know, we've talked about it and I've shared about it some meetings like I, I started doing some service above the group level and AA, and it's something I feel like and I don't know where it's going to lead to, but it's something like feel like being called to do maybe. Mm hmm. So I'm going to follow it to the end, whatever that might be. I don't even know where to, you know, I don't have an answer, so I'm going to step up and do a little bit more and a little bit more, and I'll see where it takes me. Um, and to me, that too, to have that freedom to be able to do that, because that's part of doing it like so many as much as you know, that thing that could be a whole a cluster.

Matt: 24:30

Some of it certainly is.

Steve: 24:32

Right. But somebody has to do it right? Yes. For our program. Somebody has to do that work and that that whole part of it being a cluster is, you know, is is one thing, but somebody has to do it. And in the past has been stuff that I you know, I've always liked doing and we'll see we'll see where it takes me. So my point is, again, just like you said, I have to think about other people. You know, I have to think about, you know, what's the best way to to get out of myself in our program that is absolutely starting to think about other people and doing some stuff for other people. And it doesn't always have to be alcoholics. So I could be just for other people in our lives.

Matt: 25:12

I think about it all the time of the cashier of Somewhere I go, the person in front of the counter at the gym that I try to be nice to everybody. I just would like to be a better person going forward and that makes me feel good. I don't do it to get myself out of my out of myself. I just feel like I want to do that. And I think part of it is amends. Amends to the world, right? That I don't want to be a prick anymore. Yeah, I would prefer to be much nicer and leave a legacy that I did something nice for somebody else.

Steve: 25:47

Absolutely. And that's a that's a huge part of it. Not that I can't be still be a prick and not that I don't sometimes get off. I'm being a prick. I mean that, honestly, right? I mean, sometimes I just. I just love it. You know? I bought a hat recently. It has a little political connotations to it and, uh, I've had it for a little bit, and I decided to. And I just felt like I was in one of these moods. I wore it out to go grocery shopping the other day and I realized, like I could see people looking at the hat and like, I realize they could probably set me up for maybe some minor confrontation with somebody, right? That's a microcosm. And I wasn't worried about it. But, you know, I still have that feeling sometimes like, yeah, I'll wear this hat. And if somebody wants to have a discussion about it, sure, I'll engage them in it. But so I still have to be careful with that. I mean, it's still part of part of my, you know, part of my being, but it's much less aggressive and nasty, right, than it used to be. So me, too. I just want to go out. I want to try to be a nice person. I want to do the right thing. Um, the people I come across, I just want to be pleasant if I can. If I can, I can always. Because life gets in the way sometimes. But I want to be as pleasant as possible to people who run into me. Because, you know, the truth is, is like, I don't know. I just don't need people walking around saying, Whoa, what an asshole that guy is. Right? And again, there are certain situations where I still get off on that. Um, but for the most part, I work hard not to do that.

Matt: 27:33

No. And I have a confrontation problem now where I don't want to be like that. Yeah, well, we taped this in the morning today. I think I'm going to have a lot better day because I got some stuff off my chest. My pain is your gain. I would love to figure out what you get out of this. What are your triggers? How do you feel about being vulnerable? Send an email. Matt at Sober Friends parade.com. You can reach out on Instagram at Sober Friends Pod the website at Sober Friends pod dot com. Thanks for being a sounding board today, Steve.

Steve: 28:10

Yeah, you're welcome. Mat love to do it.

Matt: 28:12

And we'll see everybody next week by everybody.