E181: Taking the Next Right Action

In this episode, we delve into the profound yet practical philosophy of “Take the Next Right Action.” This simple mantra holds a world of meaning, especially for those on the journey of recovery. It’s about the courage to confront the challenging tasks we’d rather avoid, the selfless acts of kindness that elevate others at the expense of our own comfort, and the quiet heroism in extending a hand to those who are wrestling with their own battles.

For many, recovery is not just a path to personal healing, but a road paved with opportunities to make a difference in the lives of others. “Doing the next right thing” isn’t about grand gestures; it’s found in the everyday choices that, while they may seem small, create ripples of positive change. Whether it’s choosing honesty over convenience, service over self-indulgence, or hope over despair, these decisions shape the journey of recovery and reflect the heart of this podcast.

Join us as we explore stories of resilience and generosity, and discuss how embracing this mindset can transform not only individual lives but also weave a tapestry of communal support and understanding. Together, we’ll learn that sometimes, the hardest choices are the most rewarding, and helping someone struggling might just be the next right thing for you.

Do you find value in what the Sober Friends Podcast does?  Consider buying us a coffee at buymeacoffee.com/soberfriendspod.  Your donation helps us with hosting and website fees and allows up to maintain our equipment.  You keep us on the air for the new guy or gal.

Transcript

Matt: 0:25

Hey, Steve, we're going to talk today about the next right action. That is one of those topics that you hear in AA meetings all the time. What the hell does that mean? And how do you take the next right action? You also told me it was some your week this week.

Steve: 0:43

Yeah. Good morning, Matt.

Matt: 0:45

Morning.

Steve: 0:47

It's yeah, it's always, you know, that's always a good topic in meetings and it's always a good topic for me because, you know, just like everybody else, I get frustrated in life and I get, you know, resentment. Sometimes they're big and sometimes they're minor. And and it's in that moment of confusion. It's in that moment of really I'm feeling whatever I'm feeling at the time that I need to take a step back and ask myself what the next right thing is. Because the in the past, my my go to has been to act badly in those times. Right.

Matt: 1:21

Hey. Hey.

Steve: 1:22

And. And I still can't. Trust me, I'm far from perfect in that. But the program has taught me that I need to stop when. When I can. And. And sort of think about it. And I had that experience. Matter of fact, I shared about this. I shared about an event Friday night at my men's meeting on that exact topic. So when you brought it up, I'm like, Yeah, that's always a good topic. It's always a good topic for me and I'll just touch base on that. Like I have a project I have to replace what they call Kick heat, or which is a heater that goes underneath your cabinets and it'll warm like a space, usually like in the kitchen. Um, and we had one for years and they're kind of odd, but it's the only heat source we have in our kitchen. So if that's not working, the heat's got to come from other rooms, which makes it harder to keep that warm and comfortable. So finally, um, you know, this thing's probably 50 years old or male, maybe 40 years old, and finally decided it was time to replace it. And I'm working on it, and I could just call somebody up to replace it. Actually, I have. I shouldn't say that cause I have called up people and they've said, Oh, yeah, I would also like, people don't want to do this job right? It's a really, really tough job. And, uh, and I don't mind doing some of that work. So anyway, so I was working on some of that. I have a plumber who I called over. Luckily, he works with me a lot of stuff. I'm like, Listen, I'll do all the grunt work. I just need your plumbing skills, right? Like, I'll do a lot of the stuff that we need to do. So we talked about the project. He agreed to do it with me and I was working on that and I had some electrical work to do on it, so I'm fine with that and it's none of that fun. Um, and I was really pissed off. I was like, irritated. I was taking me longer. I'm like, Why am I doing this? Why don't I just call and pay an electrician? I mean, it's just rewiring some socket. I mean, nothing big. Um, and at the end of the day, I was really tired. My wife wasn't feeling well, and the dishwasher needed to be empty. It's really small, right?

Matt: 3:25

Yeah.

Steve: 3:25

Needed to be emptied. And I'm like. I worked all day on this project. And I sat there at the end of day and it still needed to be empty. And I'm like, I'm not unloading that dishwasher. No way. I'm not like, I'm pissed off, I'm irritated, I'm tired, I'm not touching it. And I had something to eat. Right? We also talk about Halt, Right. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Which when you get in those modes, right, you know you're at risk. And so I had something to eat. And before I went to my meeting, I unloaded dishwasher and put it on because I was ready to do it. It was like, and that's what it is like. That's a simple thing. But here's what I shared about on my Friday meeting was that if I hadn't done that, that resentment would have carried through with me, right? It would've still been sitting there. But by doing the next right thing, which was, Hey, my wife doesn't feel good unloading my dishwasher takes me 5 minutes. Right? I literally like it's a five minute job. It's like doing that next right thing for me. That day just took away all that negative energy. I was still tired. I was still, you know, not happy about the job. I you know, this whole thing I was working on. But that was gone. And then it wasn't going to interfere with my relationship with my wife any longer, you know, for that. So that's a little, you know, view as to for me, what that means. It could means a lot of other obviously, it means a lot of other things. But that's sort of like a snapshot of how that works in my life.

Matt: 4:53

My wife has a tendency to only ask yes or no questions for everything. The only way she communicates is, Did you do this? Did you do that? I told you the story. And because I coach this at work, I teach other people how to coach their people. Listening to calls where people on the phone only ask yes or no questions drives me insane. So it carries over. And there are times and I was doing it yesterday as being a jerk by really only answering yes or no. I know she's getting out. I would say me doing the next right thing, there was the fact that I didn't snap. Because I don't like it when she does that. And yet I kept it to myself. I could've done better. I wasn't perfect. But the next great thing for me was biting my tongue.

Steve: 5:48

Right. And that's what I'm saying. There's lots of there's lots of things that this falls into the category. You know, let's listen. If you're in a relationship, if you're married or if you have a partner or whatever it might be. I mean, those are people that can usually push your buttons, right? They know which buttons to push. And it's the same thing with me. So I always have to be on guard in those things. And and it's just it's it's really important that I, I just take a moment and again, the beauty of this program is like, I knew I was frustrated and tired like, like before, Like, I would know that and I wouldn't like, I knew I would. So I so I had to do some stuff around that. And here's the thing. Like, all of this was my own doing, right? I mean, I chose to do it. I'm working. And again, this is the other thing. Like I take responsibility for these things. Now I chose to work on this project. I actually had it together and I have a tendency to do this like, Oh, I'm tired of this. I'm just going to put, you know, put these circuits back together. And then I realized, like, I don't like that. I don't like and this is this is another thing. And I went and I took it apart and I we did it the way I wanted to do it. Like at the moment I was tired and frustrated and I did a crap job on it. And then I went back the next day and I actually got some different parts and supplies and I redid the whole thing and, and so now I'm like, okay, that's better. I like that. You know, that's better. But doing the right thing is is a lot of other things, too. I'll tell you another story about being here's the perfect example and I don't want to dominate this, but years ago, my sister, who has passed, she passed from lung cancer and when she got diagnosed, she started going, I may have told the story before she she started going down to Yale and I helped her a lot. She she had she needed a lot of help. She was a single mom. She didn't have a lot of support. So I helped her a lot. And after she had surgery to remove two lobes of her lungs to, you know, two out of five, I guess the right one has two and one has three. Um, and so we offered her to come to our house to convalesce for after her surgery. Right. And she accepted it and she went down there and blah, blah, blah. I picked her up from Yale, brought up hair, she came in and we settled there. And my wife is retired. She's, ah, she's a nurse. My wife agreed to do it. She didn't want to, but she agreed to after one night my sister looks at me and says, Oh, I got I'm going to go home tomorrow. So it was a monday night. I picked her up and she's like, I'm going to go home tomorrow. I'm like, Oh, do you need something? I'll go down and get it for you, Right? She lived in Waterbury. I live in Manchester, you know, about a 40 minute drive. She goes, No, I'm going home to stay. Now, we had worked on this. My wife and I, right? We had worked out this whole thing. We were going to let her stay there for a week or so. And she's like, I. I don't like it here. Right? I was freaking livid, like, you ungrateful bitch. Right. I was livid. Like, how could you? So packed up our stuff, brought our home that you may have been at that Me? I don't even remember. This is so

Matt: 8:59

I do

Steve: 8:59

I.

Matt: 8:59

remember this story.

Steve: 9:00

Right. I went to the fourth Street meeting and I was pissed off. And our buddy Edson, who we talk about here, it's an it's always do the next right thing type of guy. And I just spilled my guts to him. And that's and looks at me and says, What are you going to do tomorrow? So what do you mean you get to tomorrow? He goes, I tell you what you're going to do tomorrow. You're going to pick up the phone and you're going to call your sister and ask her how she's doing and if she needs any help like school you. I'm not talking to that bitch. Right. Like this whole thing. I left that meeting. Like, I'm not doing that. And as I'm driving home, I'm like, Son of a bitch. He's right. That's the next great thing, right? That's what we're talking about. Like, the next right thing was for me to call my sister who I love, and I. But I was a little pissed off at who was just recovering from surgery to say, Hey, how are you doing? How are you getting by? Can I be of help to you? Right. Even though So that's a perfect example of of what that means in my life and how the program I mean, sharing my stuff with another alcoholic can point me in the right direction. Right. I still had to take action. I still had to pick up the phone. I still had to make the phone call. But the solution was put right there for me and it was up to me to take action and make it right. And as soon as I did that, actually, as soon as I realized I had to do that and I was going to make that call again, all that frustration, all that resentment was gone, that all of it I shouldn't say all of it, because it still perks me a little bit, but. And she's been dead three years, so anyway, so that's that's another example of what that means.

Matt: 10:40

He also talked about another right thing to do, which is go to a meeting.

Steve: 10:45

Yeah.

Matt: 10:45

If you're in that if you're in that place where you're going to make a bad decision. If you live in the northeast, places like Connecticut, there are meetings all the time. You can make an excuse by saying, I can't get to a meeting. There's probably another meeting within another couple of hours. Depending on where you are and if you can't. Another thing to do is call somebody. Call somebody you know, that you trust who's sober and ask, What should I do? If you have to go walk away. One of the things that I have been successful with is going for a walk. I can't remember the last time I've gotten that fired up that I had to go for a walk. But I've done that before. I've gotten up. I got to go for a walk. I got to let it out that way or going to the gym. I must be doing the next right thing, because now I'm thinking about it. I really haven't been in that place in quite a while where I've exploded and I can just blow up.

Steve: 11:41

Yeah. That tells you that you're managing it. Right? Right. It tells you that again, one of the other topics we talked about here is emotional sobriety that we've learned through our program. And through other things, how to manage emotional sobriety. Right. How do we keep those emotions? I used to talk about it again. I didn't realize this stuff. I guess maybe I did realize it somewhat, but my emotions were rollercoasters, right? Just like you blew It does the same thing with me, right? Like it would be. I wasn't on a study. There wasn't like this. This nice glass lake kind of stuff. It was a roller coaster, like heavy emotions. And in that manic depressive stuff, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm just talking about the same thing. Like putting up with a lot of stuff. And then all of a sudden, all of a sudden li blowing up and, um, and I, and I realized that same thing with me, like, pretty much I manage all that stuff and, and I too notice that if I'm not blowing up, if I'm not having those feelings and actually I'm doing a pretty good job of managing some of that stuff.

Matt: 12:47

The next right thing for me on Friday night was not going out for ice cream. I was absolutely feeling for sugar and it took me a lot. I am really trying to eat well and it took everything in my power. I did reach out to somebody and said, I'm feeling this way. And I just kind of muscled through it. Last night I did. But it was a special occasion. We went out with the family and I'm saving it for then. I will tell you, every time I go out for ice cream and I get on the scale, the next day I gain a pound, a pound and a half.

Steve: 13:25

It's amazing. It's amazing when they when you do that.

Matt: 13:29

I think it is the salt in the ice cream. I have a feeling it is something in there that I can't imagine just eating ice cream and all of a sudden I've gained a pound and a half of fat. I think I'm holding water

Steve: 13:41

Yeah.

Matt: 13:42

and I'm trying not to freak out because I we had a blizzard earlier in the week and the same thing happened and gained a pound. Then a couple of days after that of continuing to do the things I'm doing, boom, I had lost more than what I had gained. But it was tough because I got out of one £10 span into another and then went back up. But a couple of things I did here. I got on the scale because I've committed I'm going to get on the scale every day. I'm going I'm going to measure my weight that way. And I didn't want to today because I'm like, oh, I don't want to see what it is, but if I start that habit.

Steve: 14:18

Right.

Matt: 14:19

I won't get on the scale. And when I don't get on the scale, then I slip with my food and it keeps me in check. And I'm trying to be okay. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. And this is going to be in waves. It's not going to be all the way down. You're going to go up. You're going to go down. You're going to go up, may go up a bit, and then you come back down. And what is the trend over time? But I did those things and I stayed true to. It's okay for us to go out somewhere for ice cream when it's good quality and we're doing it as a family and then I won't do it again. But the stuff's hard.

Steve: 14:56

It is hard. Listen, and I just want to share this, not because it's not an okay meeting. We're not talking about that, although we probably both could use okay stuff. I started doing the same thing and I have a tendency that when I my my, my weight fluctuates way too much and I won't get into that too much. But it's always been a struggle for me. And I. I, too have been doing some hiking to get my ass kicked on my hikes. And I'm realizing I'm just I'm just too heavy, Right? So I need to start doing it. So I've started doing the same thing and I have a tendency to do the same thing. It's when I go bad, I stop weighing myself. I don't get on the scale and then which allows me to get more out of hand. Right. So anyway, I had the same exact experience this morning. Like I didn't eat that much. Like I didn't go for ice cream last night. I didn't eat that much, but I just felt like I feel different. And when I got on the scale yesterday morning, I had dropped like a half a pound. And from that from the day before. And and I said, that's one of those things that was short. And I got on today and I had gone up like three quarters of a pound. Right. And again, I got to do that same thing. I got a gold like that doesn't mean I starve myself. Right,

Matt: 16:08

Right.

Steve: 16:08

Right. And and I agree. Like you need to eat 3200 calories, Right? The math is 3200 calories to gain a pound or a 3200 calories to lose a pound. Right. Less so chance when you're not going to eat an extra 3200 calories to gain a pound. So it's just that scale. But the scale is a nasty thing. It goes up and down. But you're right, it's a trend. It's like the stock market where all your stock market, you want it to go up over a trend does mean it goes up every day. And that's the same thing. But that is the right next right thing to be able to do something, to be able to make some changes in our life and in other areas that maybe we struggle with. Right. And again, this is how we drive this program. Or maybe we don't drag the program. Maybe the program drags us.

Matt: 16:58

That's what I was just going to interrupt to say. It's the program that drags.

Steve: 17:02

Right. Maybe the program tracks us into these habits, right? Because we have solutions. We have a solution now. We have a solution for all of our problems. Y always out there. Now, listen, I have a book that my book, as I've said this before, I bet and I, I touched a program because I thought maybe it could be helpful. I didn't love the program and I only have so many 12 step recovery times for me. But. But like I said, I certainly belong in that, just like I belong. And in a. But so the program gives us this. It gives us a roadmap. It gives us the directions on how we make ourself better in all aspects of our lives. And then it's up to us to use it. Like, you know, listen, if you have a roadmap in the old days or if you have GPS on your phone and you decide not to use it, well, that's on you. You know, if you get lost or if it takes you longer to get somewhere. So that's this whole point about this program and the dynamics of it, of how much it helps and all aspects of our life.

Matt: 18:03

That's the dirty secret of the program is it's set up so that you can stop drinking. And I think it's subtly says throughout the book there you have to take these steps and you have to apply these behaviors in all your life because it's those things you do in your life that are the things that keep you sober. It's not the put down the drink that keeps you sober. It's fixed this and that in your life. Stop yelling at your wife. Stop being a prick at work. Those are the things that build up. And then your release is a drink. So if you apply it to every part of your life, even when it seems simple, those are the things that are going to lessen the pressure. So you never get to the point where you want to drink. I'm just realizing now that maybe me not having outbursts has to do with some of my workout planning. Part of it is, is I get my ass out of bed every morning at 6 a.m. and I get to the gym. And when I started doing this, there were you know, three days a week I was going and now it's pretty much six or seven days that I get my ass out of bed. And at least during the week I go and get some cardio exercise. And then I go my son and we do both weights and cardio. So on the weekend I have more time to do longer workouts. But this but my other part is on top of that, I get 10,000 steps, which is a lot harder than you think. You can't just get that going to the gym for 45 minutes. You got to find it elsewhere. So during certain times, during the day, I get up and I go for a walk and I get to 10,000 steps and lo and behold, your stress level goes down that you can get out there. You can work through your feelings even when you don't have them. It doesn't build up.

Steve: 19:55

You know, I think that for most of us who are in recovery, most of us who have needed some type of help and support to stop drinking, stop using drugs, maybe stop over whatever your addiction might be, can go back if we do this or if we do our programs correctly, Go back and look at why we behave that way, why we relied on that addiction, whatever it might have been. And I think most of us will find it's because of that frustration. That's because of that build up of stress. It's because we didn't have this outlet. Most of us will find some reason. We just you just don't pick up a drink and start drinking because everything's like there's usually an underlying connection. As for all that kind of stuff. So when you put in programs like you said I used to love to do, I used to love those times. There was a gym. I belonged to, a gym. I worked up in Windsor. There was a gym, literally, I could walk to the gym. That's how close it was to my work. And I used to do the same thing. You know, I used to get up 5:00 in the morning. I drive to the gym, I'd be there by like 530, quarter to six. I'd get a workout in. I take a shower at the gym, and then I'd go to my office and the same thing again. Most of my workout at that time was probably mostly cardio I'd get. I used to love to run and I'd get on the treadmill. I would do some light weights and stuff like that, and then I would get on the treadmill and maybe run for 30, 45 minutes, take a shower, head to work. I loved it. Right. You become just like it becomes in a community. If you go to the gym at 530 every morning, you're going to see the same people. You're going to have a community there because not everybody is getting up at 530 to go to the gym. You're going to have this community of people. You're going to get to know them. I started to get to know some of these people would be a talk to them. So it's a great way to start today. And and I never felt better. And it's the same thing after a really stressful day at work. A lot of times I'd go right to the gym, right? I go right to that gym and relieve some of that stress. So or even at lunch time, do that. So there's lots of aspects we can do. There's lots of different things we can do. And it's all about trying to figure out, like, how am I going to do the least amount of harm to people, right? By my managing some of the things we're talking about.

Matt: 22:15

I never talk to anybody at the gym. I see the same people. I have no idea how to talk to these people. I have no idea how to start a conversation. I wish I did.

Steve: 22:26

Yeah. I don't know.

Matt: 22:28

An impossible task for.

Steve: 22:29

As if it's not enough for me. Like I said, you know, my wife will ask me, like, Who are you talking to? I'm like, Oh, I don't know. I'm just talking with somebody. Right? Or whoever it might be. Um, and, but anyway, so all the things and again, it's, it's really for some of us, it's a challenge. And again, just like you were saying, it's less of a challenge for me to do the right thing. It's less of a challenge for me. I typically don't blow up over stuff anymore. Like I said, I this project was a challenge. It's not going. Even after the plumber came over, we had this plan of how I thought it might work best as I investigated that plan and now realize that's not going to work, which makes the job a lot harder, which I haven't told my plumber yet, But, um. But it is what it is. At the point I committed to doing it and, you know, now, now that I have some of that behind me, it's like, okay, um, I can relax a little bit. Uh, but, you know, one of my big things is like, I just have what I, what I feel is and I really need to manage it. And maybe other people feel this way. Why I mentioned it, I, I haven't what seems to be an under a never ending list of chores to do, right?

Matt: 23:48

Me, too.

Steve: 23:48

And I just we have a and this is when I have a buddy, John, who who used to go to Friday night and we both have a pool and we used to we used to laugh at each other because we have what is called Cadillac problems. Oh, I got to clean my in-ground heated pool again this weekend. Oh, poor me, Poor me. I've got some work to do on my pool and I got some bros, I got some stuff to do, and I just pulled the cover off. My buddy Mike came over to help me and I look out there and all I see in this pool is work, right? And I have to be careful with that. So I have to go out there. I have to attack this job. I have to do some work on this pool because I pool is just my wife and I. We don't use it as much as we used to. And it's those type of for me, again, for me, it's those type of daily frustrations where I feel like I've got this never ending. You know, taskmaster have chores that I need to do around my house that just just can frustrate the hell out and put me in a really bad position and just one final note. This is one of the things that has helped me is I've is I've realized that and one of the things I love to do, I've talk about I love to go hiking with our buddy John and David. And so I make sure nowadays, like we didn't hike this weekend, but I make sure I hike next weekend, so that'll give me some relief. Just like going to the gym. It'll give me some pleasure cause I love doing it. I'll be out there with guys I like. I'll be out there with guys in the program and we'll talk maybe a little program stuff. Um, you know, just get me away from that. And I've learned to be able to do that even when I know there's work to be done at home, because that's what happens. Like, I could forget about that and not do any of that good stuff.

Matt: 25:32

If you'd like to share what your next great thing is. Send us an email. Matt at Sober Friends Podcast. I had somebody who said I would love to be interviewed and they took advantage of a new feature that my podcast host Buzz Sprout put in, which is fan mail where you can text something in. So this features garbage and I'm this is from an event about Buzz Sprout that they have these new features that they think are great ideas and then they just don't do anything with them. There's no way that I can get back to this person. They can send a message to me, but I can't send the message back, which sucks. So I got my own email address. If you want to reach out to me, you can reach out via email or Instagram at Sober Friends Pod. And that's really the best way. I think I need to go in there and just disable this stupid feature that they have like, Yay, you know, I like the show. That's all well and good. But if I can't communicate back if I want to, what's the point of it?

Steve: 26:32

hmm.

Matt: 26:32

So if you want to be part of the show, if you've got a story that you got to tell that you think is going to help the community, we would like to know that.

Steve: 26:40

Absolutely.

Matt: 26:41

So go ahead and reach out. Matt at Sober Friends podcast. Com. I'm trying something different today. I am going to go upstairs after we do this and I'm going to make sourdough bagels. I've never even dreamed of making bagels before, but they're up there. The dough is rested there in little balls, so. I'm going to give this a try and I'm going to I'm in. I'm trying to be good with it. Doesn't have to be perfect this time.

Steve: 27:08

Right.

Matt: 27:09

I just got to get through this and see what mistakes I make.

Steve: 27:14

Good luck with that. And that's that's that's that's the truth, right? I talk to my wife and I talk about we'll try recipes like, Oh, I don't like this. I'm like, Do you think that every recipe that comes out of a commercial kitchen is hit out of the park the first time they make it? No, of course not. Like, so if you really like something, that's pretty cool. Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure you'll figure it out if you want to figure it out. Right. Again, if you if it's something that you want to do and something you have a passion for, then you'll figure it out. Oh, good for you.

Matt: 27:44

Oh gosh, I love making saradha. It's taken me years. Years to perfect. Making a sour dough starter.

Steve: 27:51

Yeah,

Matt: 27:51

Where did the thing I want and I finally have a starter now that I created. That when it gets to a certain point and I feed it, it just bubbles over like a science. If I. If I get too much in the container, it will bubble over

Steve: 28:05

no kidding.

Matt: 28:06

because

Steve: 28:06

The.

Matt: 28:06

it's that active now. So it works. Oh, there's nothing like if you haven't done sour dough baking, do it. It's the best. No yeast. I didn't use any yeast for this except for what was in the air. It's cool stuff. And with that, Steve, we're going to wrap it up. Wrap it up for doing the next right thing. And everybody will have a new topic next week. I have one.