Partnered with a Survivor: David Mandel and Ruth Reymundo Mandel
This podcast is a series of conversations.
What started as a series of intimate conversations between Ruth and David that ranged from personal to professional experiences around violence, relationships, abuse, and system and professional responses which harm, not help, has now become a global conversation about systems and culture change. In many episodes, David and Ruth are joined by a global leader in different areas like child safety, men and masculinity, and, of course, partnering with survivors. Each episode is a deep dive into complex topics like how systems fail domestic abuse survivors and their children, societal views of masculinity and violence, and how intersectionalities such as cultural beliefs, religious beliefs, and unique vulnerabilities impact how we respond to abuse and violence. These far-ranging discussions offer an insider look into how we navigate the world together as professionals, as parents, and as partners. During these podcasts, David and Ruth challenge the notions which keep all of us from moving forward collectively as systems, as cultures, and as families into safety, nurturance, and healing.
We hope you join us.
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Partnered with a Survivor: David Mandel and Ruth Reymundo Mandel
Season 4 Episode 7: Survivors Are Better Parents Than Most People Think (Even Survivors Themselves)
In this episode, David and Ruth talk about why the Safe & Together Institute focuses on survivor protective capacities and some of the research behind this approach. While assessments of harm and risk and trauma frameworks are important, these approaches highlight danger and pathologies, and, while necessary, they are not sufficient enough for true collaboration and partnering with survivors.
In a world where there are gender double standards related to parenting (e.g., higher standards for women as parents than for men), it is essential that we don’t just focus on harm but also on survivors’ protective efforts and acts of resistance and parenting skills even in environments where the perpetrator is controlling so much. Assessment and documentation of survivors’ protective capacities can make the difference between whether those children stay safely with that survivor, removed by child protection, or placed with an abusive parent.
Ruth and David discuss some of the research behind this strength-based approach to survivors as parents that suggests:
- Many domestic violence survivors are good parents who actively take steps to promote their child’s safety and well-being
- Mothers who are domestic violence survivors are functioning similarly or even better as parents than their counterparts who are not being abused
- Greater stress and negative effects of violence on the adult survivor does not always equal compromised parenting
- A majority of domestic violence survivors, even those experiencing severe violence, do not experience depression or anxiety
- Most domestic violence survivors do not use drugs nor abuse alcohol to the point of drunkenness
- Despite barriers created by the perpetrator, many domestic violence survivors engage in a range of actions to promote the well-being and safety of their children including medical care, employment, and housing
- Maternal warmth or “mothering resilience” may play a critical protective role for children exposed to perpetrator behavior
David and Ruth also talk about how assessing, validating, and documenting survivors’ strengths can play an important role in partnering with survivors. When professionals assess, validate, and document survivors’ protective capacities, it can:
- Combat the perpetrator’s mental and psychological control (e.g., “You are not a bad mom but a good mom operating in a difficult situation.”)
- Help systems and practitioners partner with survivors (e.g., identify strengths, validating them, and
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Check out David Mandel's new book Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to Transform the Way We Keep Children Safe from Domestic Violence.
Visit the Safe & Together Institute website.
Start taking Safe & Together Institute courses.
Check out Safe & Together Institute upcoming events.