Navigating Your Child's Substance Misuse: Six Crucial Mindset Shifts for Intentional Parenting, with Cathy Cioth

ABOUT THE EPISODE:
Hopestream co-founder, Cathy Cioth, is back for another episode to discuss six critical mindset shifts we both believe parents need to consider when they have a child struggling with substance misuse. We share how these important pivots in our thinking impacted our families and why, even though both of us have kids in recovery, we still vigilantly adhere to them. 

And, as usual, we go on a tangent or two, so grab your dog, bike, walking shoes, or whatever you do when listening to podcasts and let’s jump in.

EPISODE RESOURCES:

• Menopause episode: Surviving The Perfect Storm Of Challenging Kids, Aging And Menopause; This One's For The Mommas, with Dr. Robin Sinclair, ND (www.brendazane.com/hopestream/108)
• Female Health Masterclass | Menopause, Hormone Replacement Therapy & How To Workout In Your 50’S,60’S - The Proof with Simon Hill (https://theproof.com/female-health-masterclass/)
• The Partnership to End Addiction - free resources for parents including a Helpline, online support calls, coaching and trusted content (www.drugfree.org)
• Sky’s The Limit Fund - nonprofit that provides scholarships for Outdoor Behavioral Healthcare for adolescents and young adults (www.skysthelimitfund.org)
• Trish Ruggles episode - Decoding Today’s Adolescent Substance Use Treatment Landscape (www.brendazane.com/hopestream/202)

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Learn about The Woods, our private online community for dads
Find us on Instagram: @hopestreamcommunity
Download a free e-book, Worried Sick: A Compassionate Guide For Parents When Your Teen or Young Adult Child Misuses Drugs and Alcohol

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Transcript

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 0:02

for me personally, how I changed that was I decided to go into the recovery world myself. I went to some Al-Anon meetings. I was invited to speaker meetings and I sat there in these rooms of beautiful people that were just like. My kids and I thought, why am I ashamed of this? These people are amazing. And I, it was then that I started to get the courage to come out.

0:37

You're listening to HopeStream. If you're parenting a young person who misuses substances, is in a treatment program, or finding their way to recovery, you have landed in the right place. This is your private space to learn from experts and gain encouragement and support from me, Brenda Zane, your host and fellow mom to a child who struggled. This podcast is just one of the resources that we offer for parents. So after the episode, head over to our website, HopeStreamCommunity. org. I am so glad you're here. Take a deep breath, exhale, and know that you have found your people. Now let's get into today's show.

Track 1: 1:20

Okay. Okay. we're back for a Brendan Kathy show, one of our favorites.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 1:26

Absolutely. Our favorites. It's so great to be back.

Track 1: 1:28

I know. before we jump into the mindset stuff that we wanna talk about today, what's going on with you? what's the update? What's new with Kathy?

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 1:38

what's the update? Oh gosh. Things are actually pretty good. Things are pretty Good. yeah, we had family around at Christmas and that was really nice. And, just great to have the kids home. And, just talking a little bit about menopause here earlier, so

Track 1: 1:56

yes.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 1:57

we could, we were talking about, we could have a couple shows on this,

Track 1: 2:00

could.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 2:01

a little different focus.

Track 1: 2:02

with my doctor, Dr. Sinclair. I do not know the episode number, but I will put it in the show notes. because it is the perfect storm of having kids at the age when they do tend to go off the rails. And then for women, you're somewhere between mid forties and mid fifties for the, any dads who might be listening. You should definitely listen to that episode'cause it might explain why your partner or your ex-partner is cuckoo. So I would highly

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 2:34

Yeah, cuckoo outside of the craziness that goes on in the, anyway, with what you're dealing with. And then you actually feel like you are absolutely off the rails because you know so much is going on physically in your body mentally. it's really tough.

Track 1: 2:51

it is, and I think we won't, this is not a menopause episode, but what I would say is just based on a focus group of two, you and me, you gotta get into your doctor and do something. And if they just look at you and shrug their shoulders, go to a different doctor until you find somebody who's willing to listen to your symptoms, really, do some experimentation with you with different. lifestyle stuff or supplements or medications or whatever it is, because it is not, you don't have to suffer. And I hear so many people say they are, and there's so much new research out around, hormone, replacement therapy that, I'm not a doctor so I'm not gonna go into that, but I can link actually the episode that I sent to you that was done with three different gynecologists and, doctors who specialize in, in menopause. And it was very enlightening to me. So anyway, we'll leave it at that. But get to your doctor if you're suffering. You don't have to, or at least you don't have to suffer as much, I would say. Yeah.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 4:05

absolutely. You don't have to suffer as much and think of it as your number one step to self-care because really once you help that things do get a lot better. And, if you can just make your life that physical part of your life a little better, it just helps. It helps you focus on other things. Let's just put it that way.

Track 1: 4:24

And there are always a few other things in life to focus on. you and I were talking last week about how often with this, scenario with our kids, with their mental health and their substance use, that you would think that one of the kind of most obvious or biggest things to correcting the situation would be like a medication or a program or, something like that. And really, when we started talking about it last week, I don't know why we got on topic. We both were like, you know what? It all starts with your mindset. And then with that, those mindset shifts that you might need to make and maybe you don't need to make. All of the ones that we're gonna talk about with those, it allows you to go and really benefit from all the other stuff that's out there. Would you agree? is that, are we in alignment on that?

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 5:19

We are absolutely in alignment and and it's something that we see in our community too, and I think it it is just so important, the way we look at things and how we can change our perspective on things. and I love that we're talking about this today because, we do have a few that were really important to us and what we did. and I can say with certainty with what I did, that it really helped, to change my focus, about these topics, early on and, it wasn't easy, it really did make things better.

Track 1: 5:56

These are the six that we really focused on because we felt if you can wrap your head around these, they are the foundation of everything else. And I think at the foundation of the foundation, if you wanna go, a little meta like that is what we talk about a lot. compassion and empathy. But I wanna talk about it just for a minute because it can sound really trite. oh, we need to be compassionate. Oh, we need to have empathy. And I know, especially when I would hear that from, like my therapist or whoever I would think, lady, have you ever been in my living room? One 30 in the morning with a kid who is belligerent, not violent, but I know young people often do get very violent, spewing really terrible things at me and my, husband who's his stepfather. really, I'm supposed to be compassionate and empathetic with this. I don't even know who this person is in my house. So I, I think it's important to talk about that because I think there's moments if we have done our work to learn about addiction and substance use and mental health and learning that it is not a moral failing, it is not just a weak sense of willpower. and we can provide lots of resources on where you can get that information if you've checked that box, okay, I've done that. But still, even with that. This person is really mean to me a lot of the time, or they're just so disconnected and distant that I don't even know who they are anymore. So the compassion and empathy piece I think is the hardest when you are living it day to day for me, I'm not living it day to day anymore. and I try to tell this like to folks in our craft classes, in Hope Stream community is, it is super easy for me to sit here and tell you this, oh, you need to be compassionate. Oh, you need to have empathy, and I'm glad that you can't reach through the Zoom screen and punch me in the face because I know how hard that is in some of those situations. And

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 8:10

Right,

Track 1: 8:10

it's a mindset thing, but it's also one of those things where you have to have some tools in place so that when there is that occasion when you're looking at this person, like, who are you? And why are you being so evil to me? And doing things and stealing from me and all of that, that you can still find a way to have compassion. And those are different, practices that we talk about all the time. but I just think it's important to let people know if you're over there rolling your eyes when people tell you to have empathy and be compassionate. We get it. It's hard. It's really hard.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 8:48

I'm really glad you brought that up. I think that is super important and I love you said that, glad that they can't reach through the Zoom screen to you because it is true. It is really difficult and just to tag onto that doesn't mean that you can't also ask for respect in your home and all of that. and the violence thing, it's scary. Absolutely. again, just listening to the resources that you're gonna, I know, put in the show notes and everything, we understand the compassion and empathy part of this, all this whole situation.

Track 1: 9:21

There, there are days when it's easier to have it than others. That is for sure. but there are some great books. There's lots of great, webinars and things like that you can watch. so I think the compassion empathy one is to me, if I look at it like building a house, that is the foundation, because if you don't have that, everything else is gonna come from the wrong place. And again, I know it's really

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 9:46

Mm-Hmm.

Track 1: 9:46

I'm also, I feel a little guilty saying this because I didn't have these tools at the time, so I didn't get to a place of compassion with my son until really far down the road, like probably six months of his overdosing. And then he turned his life around and is good today. But I did not have these, so I wasn't wrestling with. How do I have compassion for this kid at one, what I described one 30 in the morning and all that. just screamed at him and yelled at him because I didn't have any of this. And it's, yeah, I don't wanna sound like I did it right'cause I didn't, I did it wrong. And so I can imagine how difficult that is. And, if you've listened to episode one, you know the story. He was living on his dad's boat, which was absolutely terrifying. and I did finally start to understand like, he is really sick. He's really sick, and.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 10:45

Yeah,

Track 1: 10:46

helped me. Just, I kept running that through the mantra in my head, he's really sick and the symptoms that he has versus if he had another illness or condition, the symptoms of this condition are really ugly and mean and dangerous, and often break the law. And that's just what goes with this thing that we've got.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 11:11

Well, it's interesting'cause like you, I did the best with the tools I had at the time, which were not many. And literally it was like when we talk about building a house on a foundation, I probably was trying to build a house with a hammer and a screwdriver and that was it. It was very difficult. I really didn't know what I was doing. I did learn all about, compassion and empathy when our kids first got into treatment. But unlike you, my road was a little different, after. And so we did hit some bumps in the road a few years later and I was able to look at. the situation a little differently this time, with way more compassionate empathy. and I'll tell you, when you are in a situation, your kid is yelling at you and you wanna scream back, and maybe you do, that does happen. But I know that when things calm down or you leave the room, that's when I would say, like you said, they're sick. and I'm sick too. I'm not doing well.

Track 1: 12:16

Yes.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 12:17

And it was just, you have to take that step back and step out of the situation, whatever that is. and so I've been able to handle our life's journey. A lot differently over these last few years. and it's been super helpful. and like we're, what we're gonna get into changing our mindset on certain things, that's been so helpful. But I agree with you. It is the foundation and however you can get there, it'll be life changing because once you start looking at this, disease condition, like you say, it, it does make a big difference. When you start looking at it differently with compassion and empathy, everything follows suit.

Track 1: 12:57

Okay, so that is the first one. Number one, compassion, empathy. I also know that we wanna talk a little bit about money, which is a tricky one. I can't remember if we talked about this. Remember we did an episode like the nine things that no one ever talks about. I don't know if we hit money on that one, but anyway, we're hitting it now.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 13:21

I'm sure we've hit it at some point in our podcast adventures, but, yeah, money. it's so interesting. I was thinking about money a lot. and, I have to credit my husband with reminding me of something that we said. so yes, programs are expensive. Treatment of all kinds is, it's just also expensive. And I know that, when you're new to that world and you look at this and you just cannot believe it, it's for a reason. some of the best therapists are in treatments. The insurance is so expensive. Programs do so much more. This isn't your visit to your local therapist once a week. programs good programs are very involved and they offer a lot. So, yeah, you can complain about it or you can say, how are we gonna pay for this? and I've seen people get incredibly creative and also do really drastic things too, just because they have to. Again, if this were your child with cancer and you had to pay out of pocket, what would you do? You probably would do these drastic things like sell your home, if you had to, take out loans. we were very fortunate to have our kids college fund available. and I know that people can get into their 5 29 accounts, to pay for treatment. But I love what my husband was said to me the other day and he said, really what we did was exchange one form of education for another. And we used to say that. We gave our kids an AP class on life. This is what they did. They took the AP class on life and it really was what they've learned in life skills and treatment has been amazing and to me, better than a college education. we thought later on that, if they go to college, they can get loans or whatever that is, but what's really necessary for them right now is to get into treatment. And so changing our mindset about, it's worth it. is it an investment for some people? Yes. some people like to call it investment, some people don't. however you see that. for us, it was an amazing thing that we did. And, that was our mindset around money

Track 1: 15:35

it's a tricky one. and I wanna make sure and say that. we, you and I had a certain level of privilege in our lives that allowed us to make some of the decisions that we did. So I just wanna make sure that we say that, upfront, because there are people who, there is no option, there is no 401k, there is no stock anywhere. There is no college fund, right? So there's also that to take into consideration. And there are so many good free resources as far as learning. if you are struggling to learn yourself and to find resources for yourself to learn, there's the Partnership to End Addiction. Everything they offer is 100% free Hope Stream Community. We are a nonprofit. If you can't afford our, monthly membership, we can help with a scholarship. There are so many places like that will jump in and help you learn. the skills and the tools that we talk about, obviously this podcast is a great resource treatment wise, that's a different story if you don't have, any resources to pay for private pay treatment, unfortunately, and unfortunately there's good and bad in what I'm about to say, which is, the new kind of trend of insurance coverage for shorter term programs for adolescents and young adults. There's some good there, there's some bad there. there's the episode with Trish Rugs, I think it was 2 0 3, she goes into that a little bit about, insurance programs. and whether you have, Medicaid, whatever it is, there are options that you have to do a lot of work, which is frustrating. But back to, when you're looking at this investment, which I absolutely did. I was like, okay, I have this, child of mine who is in need of some very specialized care, unfortunately, and this was in 2014, so way before any of this new insurance stuff.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 17:44

10 years ago, Brenda, think about that. 10 years ago.

Track 1: 17:47

Wow. and I just said, if I don't spend money on this, what, what is worth spending money on? And again, this is just me. And yeah, I pulled money from 401k, borrowed money from family, sold a house, like searched every couch cushion I could find, to find any money to be able to pay for this because I really knew that he needed that help. And was it fair that insurance didn't pay for it? Of course not. But was I gonna change that in the amount of time that I had, which was zero? It was just one of the things that I knew I had to do so that at the end of the day I knew that I was doing everything that I could because college could come later through loans or whatever, but you just, you have to do what makes sense for your family. And everybody feels very differently about this. And we see this in the community all the time. So it's not that one is right and one is wrong. I think you just have to go inward and say, because we also have members who have lost their kids, and I have heard them say, I wish I would've. Looked into this, I wish I wouldn't have had this mindset of we can't afford it, we can't afford it, we can't afford it, because you see the numbers that are involved, right? A program could be$10,000 a month or more, and you go, there's no way we could afford that. And then you just write it off. So I've heard from them, I wish I would've figured out a way. I could have figured out a way, and they don't have their kids anymore. So that's just the reality of it. It's not meant to be like a doom and gloom thing, but when I hear that, it just breaks my heart because, it's not that everybody's gonna have the resources to do what they need to do to, to get their kids healthy. But again, at the end of the day, if you look back and say, we did everything that we possibly could, you'll eliminate that guts, punching feeling if something does happen.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 19:52

Yeah. And I wanna circle back on that too, just so you know that there are wonderful resources out there that are free if you have a young adult and, look, there are lots of people that have gotten sober just going to AA meetings, and that's a great resource for a lot of folks. and I think that, it's obviously. Something that's probably not for an adolescent. but if you have a young adult who's really struggling, and money is not really there. There are options. There are non-profit, programs that have very strong PHP iops that, are fantastic and many of them are tied into, whether it's AA or, NA or ha, all of the programs that are there. Definitely look into those. and insurance does cover a lot of those. If you've got, if you've got insurance, even if it's you don't feel great insurance, it still works.

Track 1: 20:53

Yeah. And ask programs about scholarships. most of the

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 20:57

absolutely, absolutely.

Track 1: 21:00

fund if you ask. So do not be shy about asking if you have found a program that you think would be a really great fit for your child, but you can't swing it financially. Ask them, because more often than not, they will be able to help you out, with a di, a discounted rate. Or a lot of them have their own nonprofit arm that they can pull from. We should also mention Sky's the Limit Fund, obviously. you're current board member and I'm a retired board member. and that is a fund that will help pay for, wilderness therapy, outdoor behavioral health coaching, parent and family coaching. So Sky's Limit Fund. look that up. So yeah, there are resources. It does require a lot of research, but, research, well done.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 21:51

We've really talked a lot about the money aspect.

Track 1: 21:53

It's a big one. And you I think people want to hear about it because they want to know they're not alone in the struggle. I, obviously there are families who can just drop, 150,$200,000 and not think about it. That's. Not us. That's not the majority of people,

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 22:12

Mm-Hmm.

Track 1: 22:13

So I think it is important just to say, yeah, it's a struggle. And especially if you and your partner are not on the same page about it. Like one of you is we will pay

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 22:22

Oh boy.

Track 1: 22:23

one was like, oh no, we're not touching that, college fund or whatever. Very challenging. So we see you in that struggle, if that's where you are, and, really encourage you to get some counseling or something, even working with a financial planner to say, here's the reality of what you can do and get that help, because it's just a lot. It's such a big thing.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 22:45

Because as we know, it may not be the last stop either. It may be multiple times that you're going to programs. And on that too, with the scholarships, I know many young people that have actually taken on the cost on them themselves, and they've worked at the program. definitely look into that. Don't be afraid to ask the programs and lots of love to all you guys that are just, it's a tough one. we feel you, we feel that pain.

23:12

I'm so excited to share an incredible resource for you. If you're newer ish to the podcast and to the roller coaster ride that comes along with our incredible kids, or if you are just feeling scared and overwhelmed and need some reassurance, you will want to download a brand new ebook I wrote called Worried Sick. It's a compassionate guide for parents when you have a teen or young adult child who's got an unhealthy relationship with substances. It'll help you understand why shame and scare tactics usually backfire. You'll learn about an evidence based approach you can take to help motivate positive change in your child. And I share the power behind compassion and connection. It's important to know you are not helpless when your child is struggling with drugs and alcohol. Despite anything you may have been told, download the free ebook at hope stream community. org forward slash worried. Okay, let's get back to the conversation.

Track 1: 24:16

okay, so another mindset shift that we wanted to talk about is, and this is not gonna be a shock to any of you, is the real importance of taking care of yourself both emotionally and physically. And this is one that, I guess maybe if you had a double foundation with the compassion and empathy is clearly I'm not in construction. I don't know if that's even possible, but you get the point, which is if you are falling apart, you cannot be as helpful as you could be to your child, to your whole family. And there's a mindset that I think we see often enough with either people in our community or people that we coach or people just in general that we interact with, that there's a feeling of either I can wait, I've gotta solve this crisis first. When this crisis is over, then I will start to take care of her. and or I don't deserve to do good things for myself when my child is so sick and struggling. get both of those.'cause I thought both of those, and I'm sure you probably did too. And, I had never heard, and this is why we have these conversations, even as maybe difficult as they are, is to say that is the opposite of what's really necessary because you. As a parent, you are the glue that holds everything together. And if that glue is not sticky and is not, able to create the bond that it needs to, nothing's gonna work. And I know how hard it is because it feels completely counterintuitive to take care of yourself

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 26:12

Gosh, it sure does.

Track 1: 26:13

and yet you have to. It is not optional. It is the greatest gift you can give to your family to take care of yourself. And this applies to if you're listening and your child is in recovery, hello, same, same, same. You have to continue to take care of yourself. don't let that wane because it's like, whew, okay, we're out. our feet are out of the fire now. Not that anything's gonna happen, but just for you as a human being, you deserve to feel good, to look good, to be doing things. You enjoy having a wonderful life despite anything else that is going on. And when your feet are in the fire, that might be five minutes a day and then, can gradually increase from there as they get better. But it is just something that we see all the time and we're pretty bold about it. It's not I don't

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 27:13

It means sometimes we sound like broken records, but it's because we know how important it is. We really do.

Track 1: 27:20

And I guess we should talk a little bit about what taking care of yourself looks like. Because when I first heard about self-care and I was like, yeah, I don't know about that. That sounds silly. I started to, look at how I was being in my life and I really realized a lot of the things I was doing I call it the burnt Toast syndrome. Like somebody burns the toast and you're like, okay, well I'll eat it.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 27:47

Oh my gosh.

Track 1: 27:48

kids aren't going to eat it, they're going to throw it in the trash and put a new piece of toast in the toaster. My husband definitely would never eat a burnt piece of toast, but I'm like, oh, I'll eat it. Or, oh, I'll go last, or, oh, you go on that trip and I'll just, I won't go.'cause we don't have enough money. Just all of these little, I call them microaggressions against yourself. These little things that you do over and over that really downgrade your self-esteem, your sense of, self regard and they wear on you. And if you're the type who kind of felt that way before your child went off the rails, holy cow, now I, now you're really in trouble. So it's even more important to build that back up and to start one step at a time, one day at a time. Whether that's getting out and walking or not eating the burnt toast, right? Like, don't eat the burnt toast.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 28:55

don't eat the burnt toast.'cause you know, all it really does too is create resentment later on. That happened to me. I was getting so angry and I realized it was me. I was the one eating the burnt toast all the time. I could have said no to eating the burnt toast, but I didn't. And so I love that. And you're right. A walk something physical, it can be showing up to your meeting, getting yourself a therapist. Whatever you like to do that relaxes you. But it may just be, Hey, I wanna watch what I wanna watch on television tonight. And you are holding the remote control. You are listening to a podcast on a long drive. you're downloading the book that you want. because yes, you're right. Not living life and and not taking care of yourself like that just leads to resentments. And that's just not good for anybody. And, and your kids notice when you do the work. I loved it. My son, I have to share.'cause it just still, it just holds such a special place in my heart that this Christmas he shared with me that he goes, wow, mom, I know that you're doing the work and it's just so cool to see. And I thought, wow, I never realized that he paid attention like that. And he did. Your kids will notice, I promise you. They'll notice. They may not say something. My son is 27, so it's a little different. they are noticing and you know what, when you are practicing your self care and taking care of yourself, it also lets off a little pressure from

Track 1: 30:30

Oh, for sure.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 30:31

and that, as we know, that's, gosh, if you can get to that sweet spot

Track 1: 30:36

Yep.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 30:36

where they don't feel the pressure, just maybe they'll wanna get some

Track 1: 30:40

Take a few rocks out of the backpack of shame and burden that they're carrying around and

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 30:47

yeah,

Track 1: 30:48

so true. the resentment is huge. So Cool. that's a big one. what's another one?

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 30:54

Well, it we, you mentioned the backpack, so I think the next one we should talk about is, changing your mindset around shame and stigma. I. This is tough. This is also something that I think both of us, we don't say this lightly and we're pretty vocal about what has happened in our families. And I knew very quickly from the beginning that shame really held no part in what we were going through. But it took me a long time to figure out how to let go of shame. It's hard. It's hard. There's a lot of stigma around it. And for me personally, how I changed that was I decided to go into the recovery world myself. I went to some Al-Anon meetings. I was invited to speaker meetings and I sat there in these rooms of beautiful people that were just like. My kids and I thought, why am I ashamed of this? These people are amazing. And I, it was then that I started to get the courage to come out. I found a community at the time, which for me was, the wilderness therapy. folks that, my kids were in wilderness therapy with, they had a really great support call. So I started getting on that, and then eventually I found the stream. And, finding community, which allowed me to speak out. And, then, once you start. Speaking out and I love it'cause we've got a couple members that have actually gone out publicly and spoken and they come back and report to us. That was the most amazing thing and oh, I so get it. I so get it. And look, you don't have to get on a podcast and shout to the world, what's going on personally in your family or anything like that. We're not saying that, but we are saying that even if just in your own family with those trusted friends that you can share with, letting go of the shame and the stigma around all of this, it just doesn't belong. And you will feel so much better if you can do

Track 1: 33:01

Yeah, it's another way to unload that backpack a little bit from your child's weight that they carry around. And it really, I think it's probably a good thing coming out of a bad thing that now if you do say something to somebody nine times outta 10, they're gonna know somebody either in their family or their immediate circle who has also struggled. So I think we're at a point where if you are able to share. Again, like Kathy said, with a trusted person, obviously this isn't with the, person in line at the grocery store, but with somebody who you really can trust to say, I'm really struggling right now. I have a kiddo who is sick, who really needs I intense. You don't even have to say what it is. Just, you could just say they need intensive medical care. It's extremely expensive and I could just really use some support right now who isn't gonna reach out and just give you a hug. that's horrible. Right? And then you could, depending on the situation, reveal more. But I too, when I got back to work after my son's overdose and I just, something snapped in me where I was like, I don't care anymore. I'm talking about this. I've been hiding it. only like two people at my office knew, one of which was Steve, who's now the host in the woods, which is crazy. That's a crazy story. but my boss and like maybe one or two other people knew, and I did a lunch and learn just a, what's going on in the opioid crisis and I think five people came up to me afterwards and said, do you have any resources? My uncle, my sister, my, whoever. And then also follow ups after that by email from people who didn't feel comfortable approaching me.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 34:54

yeah,

Track 1: 34:55

that's when the light went on in my head about I don't have to be ashamed about this. I think there's still that underlying, like that people are gonna think you did something like you screwed up your kid. If you are a better parent, you know what's going on in your house. I honestly haven't experienced that. I just haven't, everybody has been so supportive and compassionate, at least to my face. I haven't, I don't know what's going on behind the scenes, but haven't really encountered that. If anybody, if anything people will say, wow, that's amazing that you're talking about it. or they'll say, I don't really know a lot about that. Could you help me out? And then of course I don't listen to the podcast. But yeah,, I think maybe we do a disservice to ourselves. We underestimate. How people are gonna respond. And it is

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 35:48

absolutely.

Track 1: 35:48

with a lot of compassion and a lot of empathy and, they wanna help or they're looking for help, and then you might be able to point them in the right direction

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 35:58

It's so true. And I've had the same experience when I've shared so many people coming and saying, they're curious. They ask a lot of questions if they haven't experienced it in their family. And if they have, they wanna know what they can do to get help, for themselves or their loved one. And, more often than not, that's usually the case. yeah.

Track 1: 36:22

Okay. next up is. One that I know we both feel very passionately about, and that is acceptance and willingness. And this is probably one of the squishier ones. Maybe like money is pretty black and white. but this idea of, wow, I have this thing going on in my life. It sucks. It is hugely uncomfortable, scary. And we spend a lot of time in resistance around that and in pushing it away and trying to figure out, I mean, I, I must have spent a year just obsessed with figuring out like, what had gone wrong? Was it that sleepover on this day? Or was it this, neighbor kid? Or was it my birth? Like whatever. And we can just spend a lot of time being very resistant, pushing back. Not accepting, this is not happening to my family, this is not happening to my child. and trying to make it go away. And as we know, spoiler alert, if this is news, it doesn't go away just because you want it to go away, nor does it go away. Even if you find out here's here are the contributing factors. Doesn't make it go away. So the idea of being willing to accept where you are in the moment, even though you don't like it, even though it hurts and it's uncomfortable and it's painful and scary to say, this is where we are today and we are gonna move from here. Versus fighting it, pushing it away, denying it, all of that. the acceptance is really. The key to being able to then make it, make something different happen. You have to be able to accept where you are to then say, okay, how can I get somewhere else? And we see it a lot. We hear it in conversations. I hear it in, coaching episodes and it's that just you can almost hear the fingernails hanging onto the edge of a cliff. I'm not letting go of this dream that I had for my family and I am not going to accept that my child is addicted to drugs or experimenting, or that my child has, bipolar disorder or whatever the situation is. And they are just not willing to say, okay, I'm going to just accept where we are. I'm gonna accept the help that's here for me. I'm gonna hang onto this shame about this. I'm gonna hang onto the blame that I'm putting on myself. I'm gonna hang on to the picture perfect family that, I visualized, I'm gonna hang on to the, fact that he or she's gonna go to this particular college. let it go. Just let it go. You gotta let it go. It is not how it has to go and it's so important. Again, I know it's a little squishy. I wish I had a better way to I don't know, quantify it. but that's just something I see all the time and I get it. I get it how hard it is. And it's also one of the foundations of moving into a better place.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 40:04

Yeah. I think it's limiting, there's limitations on not accepting, right? Because when we hold on so tight to our dreams, for example, of I dreamt my kids were gonna go to these great colleges and they were gonna graduate and have these wonderful jobs Those were my dreams, obviously. the reality is I realize now. By not accepting what was going on. It was really limiting.'cause what they have now is so much more than that. I love where my kids are right now. It's amazing. It, like I said earlier, that AP class on life that they took, oh my gosh. and I look at, your son and where he is right now. And so if we could only know at the time, and I get it, everybody's gonna get to this place in their own time. I had so many bricks to the head, so many bricks to the head. I wasn't ready to hear it. but when I was, that's when healing started. And if we could just know that we're limiting ourselves, by not accepting and, you just never know how great life can be, after. And I know you're in the thick of it. You could be in the thick of it right now. It's hard to even imagine a great life, but I'm a big believer in that. you just never know if you don't, try that a little bit and they get help and these stories can really be just beautiful stories of

Track 1: 41:26

absolutely. I'm glad that you said that about the

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 41:29

Mm-Hmm

Track 1: 41:29

window because we do, we put our hopes and expectations out there and they might be so myopic compared to what is really gonna transform either in our kids or not in our kids, but maybe in us, we have families and there's families listening who have lost their kids. And you're going, didn't turn out so great for me. If that's the case, and yes, of course that's, the most heartbreaking, thing ever. And I've also seen those parents go on to do amazing things, whether it's a big thing like a foundation or something like that, or whether it's the conversation that they have at the checkout line with somebody who needs to hear their story or needs to hear a resource that they know about. It all gets tied up in this idea of acceptance and willingness. And so as nebulous as that might sound, look into it because if you're the one who's hanging on the edge of the cliff by your chin, chin, chin, trying to will this thing away and force it away, you're extending the suffering that needs to take place, right? So, um, we would really encourage you to get some support around that, whether it's a therapist, some books or whatever on acceptance and willingness. And we do, as part of the Invitation to Change approach, there is a whole section on willingness and acceptance. And it's, based in a CT, which is acceptance and Commitment therapy. really helpful for understanding in navigating through this whole thing.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 43:14

All right. The last one is recovery, and this is recovery for the family, I guess I should say. When we were talking about this, we were talking, a lot of us, our kids get into a program and then they get into recovery. You hear that often. Oh, my kids' in recovery, my kids's in recovery. that in my own personal family when this happened, I'll give my son as the example. I was so focused on his recovery. I wanted to know what his meetings were like, who his sponsor was, what did that feel like when went there? Or what does this feel like? all my questions were all around his life in recovery and my own life was still relieved because he was in a different space, but it was also full of anxiety. I had that terrible, is the other shoe gonna drop at some point here? Is this all too good to be true? I just had so many emotions going on and again, this ties into the whole self-care, and what I started to do and, realizing I needed to have my own recovery. So instead of looking at recovery, the mindset of recovery, I decided to look at my own mindset of recovery. And this was gonna be my recovery. What am I gonna do for my recovery?'cause I've just been through a lot

Track 1: 44:41

Oh yes.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 44:43

And, and it didn't involve drugs, maybe it did. I was drinking a lot actually, when our family was in crisis and that's not like me. And so, I decided to focus on my recovery. I. Got therapy, I found a community that helped me. I really doubled down on this, the self-care, what I could do. And I love having my own recovery. And I know when things aren't going well, when I'm starting to spiral in my own head or the little things that happen. I know that something in my recovery is not working. I'm not, I'm not doing the things that I need to do to keep my recovery strong. and so it really has been helpful in my personal life to have my own recovery. And I know, many of the moms in, hope Stream, when we talk about it, they have their own, their own recovery in what they do. And it's just, it's so cool to know it's a day to day thing. Sometimes a minute to minute, hour by hour. And, whatever that looks like for you, I really, I can't recommend more. Changing your mindset around recovery and making it yours and not your kids or your loved

Track 1: 45:52

Yes. I love that so much. Just a complete mindset shift that they are going to have their own recovery. And, my sons looks wildly different than yours, right? And neither one's right or wrong. They're just completely different. And yeah, I think what you said that really resonated with me was that you can notice when something's off in your recovery plan. Because you start to overthink, overeat over, drink over, complain, stop moving, whatever it is. those are the indicators. Oh, something's off. And that's exactly what our kids go through as well, right? when they have a lapse or a relapse, something wasn't being taken care of in their plan. And same thing with us. I think it's a really good thing to, even if you write it out, get really structured about what does recovery look like for you? What does a healthy life look like for you? No matter what stage your child is in, because we also relapse as parents. We go right back to that old behavior. It's shocking how fast it can happen, right?

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 47:07

Oh my gosh, yes.

Track 1: 47:09

call at the wrong time of day and it's like everything in my body just goes haywire. And so we do, we have to be really diligent about sticking to our plan, connecting with other people who get it, reaching out. you'll call me or I'll call you and it's I'm having this feeling. And then we talk each other off the ledge.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 47:27

Yeah. And I've done that a few times. Okay. Why am I feeling this way? It's so true.

Track 1: 47:35

to have that community around you. so important wherever you get it. just to have somebody to reach out to and say, something's off. I'm not doing well, or, and a lot of times we do have a reason, especially, as parents, we have that sixth. Sense about, something just does not feel right. And you've gotta have those people to reach out to and to bring you back down or to remind you of your tools or to walk you through some options. Because doing it alone, it is just too big. It's too big, it's too hard. You just, you cannot do it alone.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 48:09

Yeah.

Track 1: 48:09

Otherwise, the option is life is gonna be really uncomfortable and really unhappy. And of course we all have moments and days of that, but it should not last, it shouldn't be 24 7 all the time.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 48:22

Yeah, exactly.

Track 1: 48:23

how you're feeling, then it's a really good idea to get connected with some people because it doesn't have to be that way. There are actually. Tools and strategies and approaches that can help with your resilience, help with your understanding and how you approach this whole thing so you don't have to feel like crap all the time.'cause that is not how we should be going through life.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 48:46

Not at all. I will say this and I've experienced this myself and I was surprised'cause I thought, wow, normally would be feeling so much worse than I do right now, but I don't, because I kept up my recovery program and my program involves physical movement, good nutrition. I loved to pray. and at night, I would have a little, basically a little routine of prayer that I would do in gratitude. And I've been doing this consistently. because I think having that routine, by the way, if you have a kid that's, in a recovery like my, my, my. kids go to meetings, consistent meetings every week. So when you have your own recovery, it does involve routine, something that you do hopefully every single day. so that way when the wheels are falling off the bus all around you, you're still strapped in your seat and you're doing okay. it's not really fun to look out the window and see what's going on, but at least you are feeling like, okay, I can handle this and things will get straight again, but, I'm able to handle it. And you're also not screaming and yelling and trying to figure out what's going on.

Track 1: 49:57

Absolutely. I think we covered. What we wanted to cover. I think they're just fundamental, things that I wish I had heard because I had heard none of this. I was just winging it on my own and people thought I was crazy. I thought I was crazy. And so these are things that you can really put into place if your child is treatment resistant and you're like, there's no way I'm getting'em into treatment. These are things you can be doing right now. And that's what I love is none of these are dependent on any other person. So these are things if your kiddo's in treatment and you're in that, like that weird, moment when you can breathe and sleep, you know they're safe, they're okay. These are things that you can really dig into. And likewise, if things are really stressful and chaotic at home, these are good things to hold onto because they provide some of that consistency and calm when the chaos is happening. So never a bad time to work on your mindset. And we'll make sure and link out a couple of the episodes and books and things that we mentioned in the show notes, and then we will do another one of these.

cathy_1_02-12-2024_134025: 51:12

I can't wait. Have a great day.

51:16

Okay, my friend, that's a wrap for today. Don't forget to download the new ebook, Worried Sick. It's totally free and will shed so much light on positive tools and strategies you can use right now to start creating conditions for change in your home and in your relationships. It's at hopestreamcommunity. org forward slash worried. And as always, you can find any resources mentioned during today's show at Brenda Zane dot com forward slash podcast. That is where every episode is listed and you can search by keywords, episode number or the guest name. Plus we've created playlists for you, which make it easier to find episodes grouped by topic and those are at brendazane. com forward slash playlists. Please be extraordinarily good to yourself today. Take a deep breath. You have got this. You are not doing it alone and I will meet you right back here next week.