Ask Ava, Episode 12: Friends series - "Why do my friends overreact when I joke about them?"

Friends series - "Why do my friends overreact when I joke about them?"

Transcript

Today, as part of a series on Friends, we're talking about the impact of jokes on friends and dating partners. 

This is Jessica Skultety, Community Outreach Associate at Safe+Sound Somerset, Somerset County New Jersey's lead domestic violence organization offering services at no charge for survivors of dating and domestic abuse for over 40 years. 

Today's question from local teens is: Why do my friends overreact when I joke about them?” 

Friends joke around, right? Dating partners joke with each other, too. But when it goes too far, or one (or more) person's feelings are hurt, it matters. And WORDS matter.

So let's talk about empathy. Empathy is when you "walk in someone else's shoes" and truly consider what the other person might be going through, based on their experience, not yours. It’s hard to know what our friends’ and dating partners’ experiences are all the time, and we may never know – we’ll never know what it’s like to be them - but we can stop and consider why they might be having a hard time with a joke or why they’re uncomfortable.

We bring this question up in classrooms in our community all the time – have you ever had a friend in your friend group, who everyone makes jokes about? At least half of the room nods or raises their hands. 

Anytime someone makes a joke, you must consider the impact. IMPACT is always greater, or more important than, the intent. For example, maybe someone jokes about their friend’s style or clothes they wear all the time, and that friend is really hurt. The fact that they are hurt – the impact - is MORE important than the intent of the other friend, which was "oh, we're just joking around, we’re friends, right?" 

You never know what that other person is going through or has gone through in their life, even if you're their friend. Never assume that you do know. That's why words matter so much. What we say to our friends and dating partners matters more than almost anything. 

So, that friend we mentioned before – who everyone in your group always jokes about? Check in with them sometimes. Say, "hey, I know we always make fun of how you dress. Are you okay with that? I just want to be sure because your my friend, and I care about you." And if the person says yes and they mean it, and maybe they even jump in and joke, too, then you're all set. It’s fine.

And this friend is allowed to change their mind about what’s okay and what’s not. If they end up later being upset about the jokes about their clothes, real friends will stop.  

So if you’re wondering, “why is my friend or girlfriend or boyfriend so sensitive about what I say?” it’s a good time to check in with them and talk with them if you respect them and want them to feel comfortable in your relationship or friendship. 

Text or call the Safe+Sound Somerset hotline for supportive listening, safety planning, and information at 866-685-1122. Visit our website at http://www.safe-sound.org. Thank you for listening today. Join us next time here on Ask Ava.