Shot@Love
Mastering the Five Stages of Dating: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus's Dr. John Gray
Today, we'll take a deep dive into the dating world with the one and only Dr. John Gray. He is the mastermind behind the global sensation 'Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus,' with over twenty books, including his most recent 'Beyond Mars and Venus. Dr. John Gray's insights have captivated audiences worldwide, from Oprah to Barbara Walters. Stay tuned as we discuss the timeless wisdom of Dr. John Gray's classic Mars and Venus on a Date, uncovering the five stages of dating as your success comes down to attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy, and engagement. Whether you're single, separated, or newly jumping into the dating pool, this episode is for you!
Dr. John Gray is the most well-known relationship expert in the world! He's the author of the highly acclaimed, widely popular, and most trusted relationship book of all time: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. USA Today listed his book as one of the ten most influential books of the last quarter-century. In hardcover, it was the bestselling book of the 90s. Dr. John Gray's books have been translated into over 45 languages in more than 100 countries and continue to be bestsellers.
This episode shines a light on the five stages of dating to help you navigate the intricate dance of modern dating; Dr. Gray and I dissect the expectations and pressures influencing how men and women approach the quest for connection. We explore the importance of reciprocity and emotional bonding and how physical closeness can sometimes lead us astray from forming deeper, more meaningful relationships. Tune in as we delve into the art of communication, the significance of small acts of love, and how these elements are crucial in understanding and appreciating the unique language of love between individuals.
As our conversation culminates, we offer insights into the delicate process of building commitment. Dr. Gray imparts his wisdom on the critical role of maintaining individuality and balance in a growing relationship. Whether finding love for the first time or fostering an existing flame, this episode equips you with the tools to converse with depth, deepen emotional connections, and foster a lasting commitment. Prepare to transform your perspective on dating and engage with love in more profound and enriching ways.
Please subscribe and leave a review supporting Shot@Love; you can listen for a free on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and all major podcast platforms.
Today, we'll take a deep dive into the dating world with the one and only Dr. John Gray. He is the mastermind behind the global sensation 'Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus,' with over twenty books, including his most recent 'Beyond Mars and Venus. Dr. John Gray's insights have captivated audiences worldwide, from Oprah to Barbara Walters. Stay tuned as we discuss the timeless wisdom of Dr. John Gray's classic Mars and Venus on a Date, uncovering the five stages of dating as your success comes down to attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy, and engagement. Whether you're single, separated, or newly jumping into the dating pool, this episode is for you!
Dr. John Gray is the most well-known relationship expert in the world! He's the author of the highly acclaimed, widely popular, and most trusted relationship book of all time: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. USA Today listed his book as one of the ten most influential books of the last quarter-century. In hardcover, it was the bestselling book of the 90s. Dr. John Gray's books have been translated into over 45 languages in more than 100 countries and continue to be bestsellers.
This episode shines a light on the five stages of dating to help you navigate the intricate dance of modern dating; Dr. Gray and I dissect the expectations and pressures influencing how men and women approach the quest for connection. We explore the importance of reciprocity and emotional bonding and how physical closeness can sometimes lead us astray from forming deeper, more meaningful relationships. Tune in as we delve into the art of communication, the significance of small acts of love, and how these elements are crucial in understanding and appreciating the unique language of love between individuals.
As our conversation culminates, we offer insights into the delicate process of building commitment. Dr. Gray imparts his wisdom on the critical role of maintaining individuality and balance in a growing relationship. Whether finding love for the first time or fostering an existing flame, this episode equips you with the tools to converse with depth, deepen emotional connections, and foster a lasting commitment. Prepare to transform your perspective on dating and engage with love in more profound and enriching ways.
Please subscribe and leave a review supporting Shot@Love; you can listen for a free on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and all major podcast platforms.
I'm Carrie Brett and this is Shot at Love. Today, we'll take a deep dive into the dating world with the one and only Dr John Gray. He is the mastermind behind the global sensation men are from Mars, women are from Venus. With over 20 books, including his most recent, beyond Mars and Venus, dr John Gray's insights have captivated audiences worldwide, from Oprah to Barbara Walters. Stay tuned as we discuss the timeless wisdom of Dr John Gray's classic Mars and Venus on a Date uncovering the five stages of dating, as your success comes down to attraction, uncertainty, exclusivity, intimacy and engagement. Whether you're single, separated or newly jumping into the dating pool, this episode's for you.
Speaker 1:Dr John Gray is the most well-known relationship expert in the world. He's the author of the highly acclaimed, widely popular and most trusted relationship book of all time Men Are From Mars, women are from Venus. Usa Today listed his book as one of the 10 most influential books of the last quarter century. In hardcover, it was the best-selling book of the 90s. Dr John Gray's books are translated in over 45 languages in more than 100 countries, and it continues to be a bestseller. It is my honor to welcome Dr John Gray back for a second time. So, without further ado, dr John Gray, hi John.
Speaker 2:Hi, happy to be with you.
Speaker 1:I'm so happy to have you. This was a bucket list moment the first time, so to have you back, I just can't even believe. The last time you were on, it was Valentine's Day and the episode was really popular. It also won a communicator award, which no surprise there, because you're such an amazing person to interview and you're so knowledgeable about relationships. In that interview you mentioned one of your previous books that I didn't have time to read because I had so much that I had to research about you, but you mentioned the book Mars and Venus on a Date and I thought this could be really great, because these principles and these five stages, if you know them, really set you up for success.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, and in each stage, when you kind of sense I'm in that stage, you can be recognize. Okay, what are the mistakes most people make at that stage and how do I avoid making those mistakes so that we can continue to bond and grow together if there's potential?
Speaker 1:At one point in your book you say something like it's a secret weapon or something around that you almost don't want to tell people that you read it, because it really gives you the keys to navigating through these different stages.
Speaker 2:Well, I didn't say don't tell anybody whatever it was, people don't know this, they don't know this. So when, when the states naturally shift in a relationship, we have to apply new insights, otherwise we sabotage ourselves. So many people sabotage and we'll explore those Unknowingly sabotage Not just people who consciously sabotage. But I know that you're doing your very best and you end up doing the thing that might make it go south.
Speaker 1:I don't understand how all these people have met lifelong partners without knowing all this information. I mean, I guess some people have gotten lucky and I know from listening to your story. You had to date differently your wife. You had to come back and try things differently.
Speaker 2:It was a very simple thing with my wife, which is Bonnie. When I met Bonnie, I was in love with her. She was in love with me, but I had been a monk for nine years and she had two little children from a previous marriage. And she, basically, when I wanted to marry her to keep a long story short, it was she said finalize, you're not ready to be married. At that point I wanted to be married. So there was another woman who had been pursuing me and she was pursuing me. I was trying to go back but hey, if Bonnie doesn't want to marry me, I'll just marry this woman. And that was a woman I married for two years. Her name was Barbara and our relationship primarily didn't work because she was more of the man and I was more of the woman.
Speaker 2:I wasn't yet financially self-sufficient, I didn't have a full-time job. I had started one. I was starting to have that because I've been a monk and you had no job at that point. And, barbara, I'm a teacher. So I wanted to start teaching about enlightened sexuality. After I was had not had sex for nine years, I started having sex again and I realized there's another way to do this. I called it enlightened sexuality, which is, you know, my heart was so full of love after so many years of meditation. Always be mindful in making love that you're only experiencing the pleasure and stimulating pleasure in order to feel more, so that you can feel more love and express that love. So you always make love the priority and you have a different experience. So I was teaching that class back back in those days and with um, with barbara, and she really helped me build my business.
Speaker 2:We became a couple, but the relationship didn't work because we were following a lot of the rules of what modern psychology was saying at the time, which is that there's not much difference between men and women and that men have to open their hearts by talking about their feelings and expressing themselves, and women needed to be, uh, listening to that. But what? What it will inevitably happen is the passion went away because if we didn't have tools that would boost my masculinity and boost her femininity, the polarity wasn't there. So the the attraction disappeared. I remember after two years I was shocked. Here I am with this beautiful woman. She's naked in bed and I can't even get turned on. What in the world was happening? So she fell in love with another man. Then she got married to another man another man, another man so that polarity she would neutralize polarity in all her relationships. I presume I don't know. All I know is for me I had a wake-up call. I had made big mistakes in that relationship, and what were they? And then, after a year of healing my heart because I was devastated when I was teaching relationship courses, and my wife falls in love with another man. What's that about? And I realized it was because everything I did I had to question and I questioned it and reversed everything around.
Speaker 2:There was a very significant time in my history where my father had been found dead in the trunk of his car. It was shocking to me. I had to go get into the trunk. I saw where he had died of heat asphyxiation. Someone had robbed him, he picked up a hitchhiker and he had died that way. My family's around the car and I just wanted to get in. I wanted to know what my father went through I'm a bit dramatic and the back window. He had unscrewed it with a screwdriver in the trunk just to get air and I pulled it back even further and without thinking, and my family's on the other side of the trunk. I just reached my hand out and then, as I was pulling my hand back out, my brother said oh, john, see if you can reach around and look and press the button. And so I reached around, pressed the button and it opened the button. And so I reached around, pressed the button and it opened the trunk. I realized, of course, that was my dad could have gotten out if he had thought to think the opposite way.
Speaker 2:So as a marriage counselor, I started looking at every problem from the opposite way and realized that in many ways women had the opposite need than men have. So that became the beginning of Men Are From Mars, women Are From Venus, my journey of developing how men and women are different. I started developing those ideas and I got very successful at it. Then I went back and I married Bonnie, because my attraction to Bonnie was a very healthy attraction, which is I wanted to provide for her. I just didn't have the money to do it, the job to do it. I wasn't ready to do it. So and she was looking for a man who would be there for her while she was raising her children.
Speaker 2:And that was the dynamic where I was very masculine with Bonnie and she was very feminine, and but what I mean by masculine and feminine is just men. The masculine side of us solves problems. The feminist side of us points out the problems. One part of us is very independent, one part of us is very dependent, and that's just parts of us. As people hear this, I don't want them to get the idea that women should just be one way, men should be just one way. We have both sides.
Speaker 2:But my first marriage failed because I was too far on my feminine side and my wife was too far on her masculine side, and so when we came close together, the polarity wasn't there, because once you start having sex, which is becoming naked, her body is a big part of it. She's now feminine and I'm masculine, but my masculinity wasn't strong enough. Her femininity wasn't strong enough. So I don't know if everybody could understand that whole journey, which sometimes I take an hour to explain, but that's what happened when we didn't have the polarity. It didn't last.
Speaker 2:With Bonnie, the opposite, a woman that I pursued uh, my first wife was a woman who pursued me, offered me all kinds of things and would do whatever I wanted. Uh, she was completely codependent in that sense of her happiness was based upon my happiness. She was pursuing me, whereas bonnie you know she had, she was the gatekeeper. She said no, no, no, I deserve this, I want this, I want that. And I was like, okay, I'll do that, I'll do that.
Speaker 2:And this is the proper balance in stage one of dating, which is a woman wants to make sure that the man who's pursuing her wants her more than she wants him. It just helps you find this balance of. In a sense, you're the queen and he has to earn his right in through the gates to get to you. And you're not that easy. And if women are in touch with their actual biology, they're not that easy, because a woman really wants to have sex. For example, when her estrogen levels rise to a very high level, it has to normally double in order for her to feel I want to have sex with this man unless she has a father issue, and many women today do have father issues because their fathers weren't there or they were dysfunctional fathers. When you have a father issue this is standard psychology you tend to be codependent, wanting to please a man to get his love. You shouldn't want to please a man to get his love. You should be with a man who wants to please you, to get your love, and when he does things to get your love, then he gets the love he's looking for. That's the right balance. So a lot of women, you know, back in the 90s when I wrote a lot of this stuff.
Speaker 2:One of the other very popular books is you know why didn't he call back? You know why doesn't he call back? He didn't call back because he didn't bond with you. He can't bond with you if you're trying to please him. Men bond by pleasing you. And if you make, if you're just busy giving to him, then he's, he's happy to be on his female side. If you pursue me, I okay, I like that. You're, you're nice on the list, who's next, who's next, who's next?
Speaker 2:But if a man actually feels you know there's something really special in you and he'll grow in that feeling of you're really special when he does something like he takes you on a date and you had a good time, or he takes you on a date and you had a good time, or he takes you on a date and you pointed out the food was too cold and it didn't work, there's this. He kind of goes ah, you know she's too hard to please. Or you're a modern woman and you go on a date and a guy takes you to date and the bill comes and you, you basically say I'll pay, there's no bonding. He doesn't bond them, right, he? He bonds when he does something for you. Or you say let's split the check. It says okay.
Speaker 2:Then there's no sense of I provided something for her and she appreciated it. That's what women don't understand about men. You don't owe him anything If you're on a date and he does everything for you. You don't owe having sex or anything. What you have to realize in a sense of a transaction the transaction is complete if you had a good time. Right, because that's what his goal is is for you to have a good time.
Speaker 1:You said something important in the book, which was women. Nowadays, this is a big topic where I don't want them to open the door for me. I don't want them to pay. If they pay, then they think that they'll get something for that. Well, that again is a worthiness issue. So if you feel that way, why would you be going out with a guy that you think if buys you dinner, you owe him? Why would you waste your time?
Speaker 2:Well, let me, let me validate those women. They're not foolish and stupid. I mean really the point, the point of view is we all want fairness, we want equality. You know, that's a nice thing If there's a transaction. If I do something for you, naturally you want to do something for me, and that's a good thing.
Speaker 2:About women, more so than men, is women do have this reciprocity gene, which is, if you do something for a woman, she then does feel I want to do something back to you. Ok, if she doesn't, she'll feel a little guilty. And now, if you do something for a man, he doesn't necessarily feel guilty if he doesn't do something back, guilty if he doesn't do something back. Quite often a man will do something for you and a man will be in the room and you'll be appreciating him doing something for him. And when you do something for him, he assumes I must have done something to already earn it.
Speaker 2:I don't know if people can follow that logic, but it's an amazing logic about men. When women start waiting on men, men assume I must have done a good job, so I don't have to do anything, whereas if I'm waiting on my wife, I'm doing things for her, she goes oh, that was so nice, I want to give back to him. There's a reciprocity thing which is much stronger in women, and so there's that dynamic of women will often assume that if men are the same as women, if I do things for him, he'll want to do things for me. But when you're dealing with a man, if you do things for him, he likes you. He's not going to bond with you, he's not going to pursue you, he's not going to can feel more connected to you right.
Speaker 1:So if you give more, you're not getting more that's exactly right.
Speaker 2:it's inevitable if you give more, you get less, you get less. That's right.
Speaker 1:That's right, because if you're giving constantly, then you're really pursuing, or there's a reason. Why are you giving so much? Why are you turning yourself into a pretzel and doing all those things? Well, you must not feel good about yourself.
Speaker 2:That's exactly right. But I want to just say it's not always you don't feel good about yourself. None of us feel perfect about ourselves. But it's really more about just simply assuming that he's more like a woman. If I give things for him, he'll want to give things for me, because if I give things to a woman, I'm going on a date. Basically she's going to feel oh, I want to give to you.
Speaker 2:But women should know, on a date where you're just getting to know each other, you're not in a long-term relationship. If he provides a meal for you, the fact that you're enjoying that, that's his goal. His goal is to make you happy and men maybe don't really, they're not always aware of what's inside, but that will make him aware of what's inside. You see, he doesn't feel ripped off. If you just feel happy to be with him and then maybe you feel like at the night, a kiss, that's it a kiss. If you feel like it, only if you do, you dodge. Okay, you clearly get a sense of how do I feel when a man does something for me. You might feel like you want to connect a little bit. I'm fine. But let's say you do a kiss and then the kiss feels really good and then you kind of go oh well, this feels really good and oh, he's enjoying this. I can make him enjoy it more and continue going on.
Speaker 2:Often women don't have the communication skill to say okay, say goodnight, we'll see you next time. They don't have that because they don't want to hurt his feelings, cause after the kiss maybe she's feeling oh good, potential, I don't want to put them off. And there's an illusion, and it is an illusion that all guys are getting laid. Okay, so they're all getting laid, it's all happening. And so there's a pressure on him to score that night. You know men never had this pressure. I just want you to know, before birth control you never had any pressure to score with a woman because everybody knew you had to get married first. You know there was that thing. So you didn't have such a my ego's at stake. If I don't get laid and she's over there now feeling because there's birth control, she's a prude if she doesn't say yes right away. So all these pressures are on us. So then inevitably, couples will have sex before they have enough emotional and mental bonding, and we'll talk about that in a moment.
Speaker 2:But if you don't have bonding, men don't call you back, that's just a simple thing and you feel needy. Afterwards Two things occur. If you have sex where you go like this and completely connect and you haven't bonded in the heart and in the mind, then afterwards he feels repelled by you to a certain extent and you will feel needy to him to a certain extent. And this is a phenomenon which occurs over and over and over again, which gave rise to that concept of why didn't the man call back. Concluding, just concluding this idea.
Speaker 2:I know you want to go further, but idea it's not just unworthiness, but there is this unworthiness issue which is which creates daddy issue. Okay, if daddy doesn't give to me, then I don't deserve to be loved. Just being me, I have to please this guy. So there's that tendency to make the people pleaser. Certainly that exists.
Speaker 2:But even if that doesn't exist and I'm covering this because some women think they don't have that, all right, just not knowing how different men are, if you have a man who does something for you and you appreciate it, the transaction is complete.
Speaker 2:Yes, you're going to give him what he needs. He gave you what you needed a man providing for her, helping her to feel good, and now you're going to help him feel good, and what is the emotional impact of actually a man taking you out to dinner? The impact of that is a man doing something you can do for yourself that you don't have to do yourself, and isn't that nice. That's the concept of all polarity is you know, women can do it all. Doing it all means you can be feminine, you can be masculine, but on this particular night your male side gets a day off and you can be purely feminine. And we know all today that so many women are stressed because they feel I can't get back to my female side. And theoretically, that's what a relationship can do for women. Today you don't need men to provide for you financially anymore as much, but you do need men from my helping you become aware to help you come back to your female side, and that's something called romance.
Speaker 1:I like the appreciating piece because men sometimes can do the big things but they forget about the small things and the women hold on to the little things. It's interesting because the men, they just want you to show up and be happy and be thrilled with the fact that they're taking you out on a date. These things are so basic and so small, but they become really big when people don't understand that it really comes down to these the way you phrase things. So let's go through the stages.
Speaker 2:So the first stage because what you're talking about is the third stage right, right and the reciprocity is further down the line.
Speaker 1:So I'm like I almost want to start from the beginning, which is attraction.
Speaker 2:We did start just to know stage one attraction. Be careful, as women, which part of you is attracted to this man. Is it your female side that's attracted or your male side, trying to earn love? Oh, here's a candidate I can earn his love, that I can pursue him. That's going to be your male side trying to earn love. Oh, here's a candidate I can earn his love, I can pursue him. That's going to be your male side. He's never going to bond with you. If you're on your male side, you have to go on your female side. So, rather than and I'm not recommending be a flower on the wall where the man has to come and ask you out to dance you know that was the traditional thing where women were very feminine. They don't take the risk. It is a risk.
Speaker 2:I remember my first seventh grade dance party and the boys were on the side of the room, the girls were on the side of the room, and I'm a courageous guy. So I walked across the room to a girl that seemed the only girl that was shorter than me. I went to her and she was too embarrassed and she said no, she didn't want to be the first person on the floor, so then I walked back all by myself. I mean, this is, these are realities here. So, but so what?
Speaker 2:What woman wants to do is give a signal to a man in some way that says if you pursue me, I will say yes, that's her, that's role. She shouldn't walk across the dance floor but she should be looking at a guy and nodding at him and having signals. And we used to have signals. It was just curl your hair, look at him and smile, and that was a signal. The problem is, if you're single, if you're just happy, some men interpret that as a signal when they come on to you and women. But in the old days with men, you know what women did in the 50s. I can't say I'm not saying, bring that back, but if a man said something inappropriate to you or was too pushy around sexuality, you slap him and all men do that that was it.
Speaker 2:You know it was. Now you slap him with a lawsuit. I mean that's so funny.
Speaker 2:This is like a crazy, confusing thing it is. But so, anyway, letting a man know that if you were to pursue me, I would be open to getting to know you, that's called proceptivity. Okay, you're being receptive but you're taking action to let him know, which can even be starting a conversation, you know, it's just if a man is interesting to you but you're not turned on to him. This is the danger. If you feel sexually attracted to a stranger, you're addicted to porn. That's what porn is. It's when you, when you have someone you don't know, it produces a lot of dopamine. And so suddenly, if someone you don't know produces dopamine inside of you, uh, you, it's just fantasy. Okay, so you don't you. If your body's designed to fantasy and that's where women become people pleasers they've become co-dependent, and that's father issue, that's insecurity, and you can do a lot of therapy to discover that not all women know they have it. They have it. Or you can just change your behaviors, and it covers much of it, which is, if you find men who are interested in you and you don't feel sexual attraction to them right away, check it out, practice these new skills with them and you can be more effective at it. You don't have to always. Just a man doesn't have to be the guy who turns you on right away.
Speaker 2:So many happily married couples were not turned the woman was not turned on to the man right away. I've researched this, I've done this 50 years. They liked him, he had a good job, they felt, they felt admiration towards him, his character was good, but not a lot was happening down south and as they got to know each other, what happens is these are like we could think of us having two, two heads. One is three heads one up here, one in your heart, one down below your legs. First, you, you find interest in him, you have conversation with him, you like his ideas. You know there's a compatibility there, there's an interest there. He's curious to you, you have a curiosity about him, you want to get to know him. That's something men don't even relate to, but women understand that, you know. I think you get to know that A woman understand that, you know. I think you know you get to know that a woman doesn't immediately think I don't want, I'd like to have sex with him. If you do, it's fantasy a woman is I'd like to get to know him, see what's there then, as you get to know him, you go on dates together and when you go on dates there he actually does things for you. You know words are cheap. Action is what is that? So now he does action and that action will actually start stimulating these hormones of attraction.
Speaker 2:Estrogen starts going up. And as our estrogen goes up in his presence, then when it gets high enough, then the energy you bond down below and you feel like you really want to connect physically so that that's a healthy way for women to go for a man. It goes just the opposite. You look out at a group of women and you go this is one I can never do it, one, this is one I could. Doesn't mean they're the right person, but there's a potential that you have right away. Your body feels it and that's the guy. If he walks up to you is because his body feels there's a potential you could have sex. Okay.
Speaker 2:Another reason a lot of males are afraid to go up to a woman is that they feel guilty wanting to have sex with her without a relationship, because the truth is sex is animalistic unless you have love. So there's a little shame that he has. He can go up to a girl that you know he doesn't want to have sex with and he can be much more at ease and comfortable. And I suggest for the shy guys, start with that. Just start with the girls you don't want to have sex with and have conversation with them to learn your conversational skills. Then try to maintain those conversational skills with a woman that you do feel an immediate physical attraction towards. This is biology.
Speaker 2:So, men, start south. Then take your own dates and start doing things for her. Then in your conversations you'll fall in love with her mind. Uh, it's just, it's a simple direction there, going from south up, and for women it's going from north down. And who's the boss? Women are the gatekeepers, women are the gatekeepers. That's your job, women. Men's job is to get in there as much as he can, and a woman has to evaluate and it's as safe as is effective. Do I admire him? Is he a good guy? Does he have a job? All your requirements up in your head, just getting to know him, then let him do things for you.
Speaker 1:Then, if you want to have sex with him, Okay, so attraction comes down to motivation, and you want the guy to be motivated to get to know you, and so, when you talk about the communication skills, First of all, that's something he will already feel.
Speaker 2:This is so biological Right, and I know you're guiding me through this, but let me do something I've learned.
Speaker 1:You're like, I wrote this book.
Speaker 2:Let me say something me. Do something I've learned. You're like I wrote this book. Let me say something. Well, no, I just want everybody to know in one sentence what the five stages are that we're now filling in that sounds good so the first is the stage of attraction.
Speaker 2:you're attracted to the partner, whatever. There's good attraction, not good attraction, we've been talking about that. Then the second stage is you feel like, oh, this is a feels really right, you know, and maybe I want to have a serious relationship with this person, there's potential for a longer term relationship, right. When you move into the second stage, where you think maybe there's potential, that's the stage of uncertainty. You'll start to doubt, he'll start to doubt, it will show up one way. She starts to doubt. Then, if you get through that stage and we'll talk about that then you get to the stage of no doubt, which is okay, you're the one.
Speaker 2:That's commitment, that's monogamy, we're not fooling around here, we're going to be together, and then that creates a whole new set of problems, and we'll talk about what those are. So once you have commitment, then once you have real commitment, then you have deeper intimacy. Commitment, then once you have real commitment, then you have deeper intimacy. Deeper intimacy actually means not only you're having, uh, better sex, for sure, but the deeper intimacy is deeper feelings that you would never share with somebody begin to come up and that can create a little chaos, uh, and it's often seen as your shadow self comes forth.
Speaker 2:Now, certain days you're not the most loving person and you have to learn how to deal with that not loving person and your partner. So this is where you have to have good communication skills to avoid conflict etc. And then if you can get through those, then he will make the commitment and, of course, sometimes how to make him, how to create the setting for him to make the commitment to marriage, if that's your goal to be married and become engaged and engagement is a stage. So those are your five stages and there's a lot of mistakes we can make in engagement. In engagement, you can rush right to get married or you can live for a while engaged, and there's reasons why it's good to do that. Anytime you make a mistake in any of these things, it's all repairable quite often sometimes not.
Speaker 1:So the first stage attraction that's kind of animalistic in a sense. So that stage you're kind of off to the races. So I feel like there's not a lot of problems in that stage either.
Speaker 1:They're like you said you made those again, those great examples where you like somebody as a friend or you gave the example the shy guy. Start there, start just communicating, try that. So you definitely broke that down within attraction and it was really good. I know for a fact that stage two, the uncertainty, is where everything goes haywire. That's right A hundred percent, because that's when the men pull away, because they have to have the motivation to come back, and we're like why isn't this person calling? And I know I would have been way better at dating and had. But then again, you live and you learn. But give us some advice.
Speaker 2:Let me do the uncertainty stage here.
Speaker 1:You take it and run with it.
Speaker 2:You know, sometimes it's easier for me to explain this in a quick way because it is a big book and lots of examples. If we just understand the hormone system system, the hormone system in a man is whenever he's attracted to you, his testosterone levels are going higher. And for a woman, whenever she is, his attraction is going, his testosterone goes up as her estrogen goes up. So if a woman becomes more feminine in his presence, then a man becomes more masculine in his presence and so there's a stronger attraction. Okay, so you dress up, you look really pretty, a little sex, a little extra skin, showing that your estrogen, showing I'm vulnerable, I'm revealing more a man whoa, I can, I can go for that. So he's hoping, wishing his testosterone goes up. So there you have that hilarity of attraction. Now, when they consummate, when they spend a lot of time together, or if they have sex together, what's going to happen is he's going to connect to his female side by connecting to her, and his estrogen goes really high. When a man's estrogen goes really high, like you have a really good date together, he's clicking with you and feeling so good, his estrogen is going really high. His testosterone then goes low. So good, his estrogen is going really high. His testosterone then goes low. This is the problem. So when his testosterone goes low, how men rebuild testosterone is to disconnect, distance, become separate. So he separates. And if he doesn't separate enough, well, first, if he separates enough, say he can't see you till next week.
Speaker 2:Typically he wants to spring back. You've stretched the rubber band and now he springs back and then he spends time with you for a while. He feels at ease with you. Uh, there's a comfort zone. You could have sex or not have sex, but it's he is feeling a part of you. He got what he wanted. Then what he'll do is pull back again. And so there's this tendency in men to pull back. He needs to pull back. That's the uncertainty stage, because when he's pulling back he doesn't feel any attraction to you. He doesn't hate you, whatever. If he actually connected with you too soon, he could. Actually, when he pulls back, it's repulsive. I have to tell a joke just to lighten this up. I saw it in a cartoon because it became common knowledge to a certain extent. A woman says to men is it true that when a woman has sex right away with a man, that he will like you less, and the man's response is that well, my experience is I just like myself more.
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Speaker 2:about you. Yeah, that's definitely my stuff, okay, so let me explain that. Women are good, are really good at asking questions. All right, so on a date you'll ask all these questions and where are you from, and what do you do, and what do you think about this? And the elections are coming up. What do you think about that? As long as you keep pouring questions onto a man, he'll just keep talking about himself again and then he'll like himself more, but he knows nothing about you, and then women will often go away and go. He's so narcissistic, he's so selfish. He only thought about himself. He didn't think about me. No, he's not a narcissist. He was trying to make you happy because you kept asking him all these questions. You ask a man a lot of questions. There's not that reciprocity gene that says, oh, now it's my turn to ask her questions, I'm supposed to get to know her. He just doesn't know that, even to this day, I'm a master of all this stuff.
Speaker 2:I'm really good at it you really are, but my wife will tell you that my daughter will say he's 80%, because my daughter will be talking about something occasionally and I'll just listen. And then I'll just change the subject to what happened in my life and she says no, dad, remember, read your book. You're supposed to go oh, that's too bad. Oh, I bet you felt it was a bummer or something like that. Some kind of response, and then changing the subject. Anyway, the point being being we don't understand, we misinterpret each other and often think negative conclusions when there's a potential there for the woman who feels a man just talks about himself all the time. Stop asking him questions. What you do is you bring the conversation back to yourself. And how do you bring the conversation back to yourself without him asking questions, because they're not good at asking questions. So what, though, you bring it back? Is you ask him a question about something he talks briefly. You could even interrupt it. That's such a good idea. That makes such sense. Oh well, you're right about that. So you first have to have a positive thing that that, now you're, he's going to feel bonded to you. He did something that made you see himself in a good light, so that makes sense. What a good idea. That's so interesting occasionally in conversations brilliant, you know these things, this man, he'll like you more because you're seeing him in that light in that case. But what you're doing primarily to grow in the affection and warmth thing is you're using that as a way to shift from him talking to you talking. That makes sense and then, whatever the subject is, you express your point of view, and it's very important that you don't hide your point of view. You don't be a people pleaser and try to make a point of view that fits his point of view. It's very good to have a different point of view. If you have a different point of view, if you have the same point of view, then you come back and say you're amazing, that's exactly what happened to me and I was thinking this too, and I was concluding this and I thought this and that See, you literally have your authentic response.
Speaker 2:Now, authenticity is misunderstood by people and that my authentic response is you're wrong, that's a mistake. Okay, that's my authentic response. Is argumentative, judgmental, critical, or my authentic response is trying to change your point of view. No, you shouldn't think like that. You should think like this. All of that kills him. That turns him off. That negates the attraction completely. You're trying to change him. The business of authenticity is I'm who I am. You can be who you are. There's no me trying to change you, but the fact that who I am, or my experience, is completely different, wow, your experience was that, my experience is this.
Speaker 2:And so now you're off onto telling your experience and he has a chance to go oh, she has a different point of view. That's interesting. I haven't thought of that. That's curious. Maybe she's kind of weird, but I like it.
Speaker 2:See, he likes difference. He doesn't want someone being in competition with him. If you're him, he wants you to be feminine. Okay, him to be masculine. He doesn't know all this, he just knows I don't want anybody changing me and I don't know what's over there. And I'm getting a chance to start moving into there. I mean, can you even see the whole male female biology thing? He's moving into her. She should never move into him. Ok, he moves into her. So, so don't ask a little bit of questions. That's, that's good, that's the kiss, so to speak. Get him talking a little bit. Then that becomes a stage for you to open up more. Then it becomes a stage because men don't know this stuff. They don't understand that women are different.
Speaker 2:He'll come and try to solve your problem. Oh well, you're thinking the wrong thing. You would be happier of this or whatever. And that's what men are born to do is solve. That's a testosterone thing, remember. Men need 10 times more testosterone. Women need 10 times more estrogen. So we lean into those things. So he's going to try to solve your problem. And then you very gracefully say, oh, that makes good sense, I hadn't thought of that, but actually I just need to talk about this. I'm not looking for a solution now anyway. So then you just back off and you start training him because he doesn't know not to try to change you.
Speaker 2:I'm trying to teach women not not to change men, because clearly it's not like women are great at listening to a man and then not giving him advice, because you actually you do it more than men. That's why men don't tell you about their problems, because because if you tell a man a problem I have, you'll have 10. You should, should do this, you shouldn't do that. Remember this, you remember that. So that's a big reason why men don't even talk, because if you talk about what's going on, women just jump into their nurturing gene as a mother and want to smother you with their solutions, and then men feel controlled. But that's generally not the problem. I'm teaching people because men don't talk that much. So but women will have to learn the same thing. Don't try to solve your problem. I do it in a more graceful way.
Speaker 2:In Men Are For Mars, I say women, you have this home improvement gene. You always want to make things better, whatever he says. Now you want to make it better. And the dating thing don't make it better and the marriage don't make him better. That's his job. Your job is to be better yourself. That's where we keep this nice distance of not trying to control and change each other. People can naturally grow in the sunshine of love. So that's the second stage.
Speaker 1:No, there's so many different things that you can take from all that.
Speaker 2:Once he gets really close, he tends to have a tendency to pull away, and women have all experienced that to great degrees. They just interpret it to mean he's not interested in you. It's just he needs to recover. See, men, their whole pattern in life is take action and then take rest, take action and then take rest. And when the action they take produces a lot of estrogen, then they need to pull back, take action, rest and call you up. So we have a time period after a good date where we're not feeling our attraction for you. You will have a time period after the date where you actually may increase your attraction for him, you may reflect on him and feel more attraction for him. And so when he's not calling you, you feel a neediness. You need to have reassurance. You're seeking reassurance because he just pulled away and on the date it was like so good, everything was wonderful, and then he pulled away. So naturally you would go well, what happened? If I was teaching a class and everybody got up, I'd want to hey what happened. And then somebody would say well, john, they need to take a pee break. Oh, ok, so I'm telling women he just needs to take a pee break, just has to. He's pulling back for a while. However, think of it like the rubber band has to pull back to become tight enough for him to feel his sexual desire for you, his hope to have sex with you one day. See, that's his attraction. It has to come back. If you interrupt, let's say, the rubber band goes over here, it's still droopy, there's no reaction. You don't ask him at that time where are we going in our relationship? What's the matter? Why didn't you call? And what will happen? And then the next mistake women make is when he pulls back and then he shows up and gives her a call, the first thing she's going to say is why didn't you call? That's getting his hand slapped like he did something wrong, and that has happened to almost every man. Therefore, when men pull away here's the modern problem here when men pull away and now thinking about coming back, they're already anticipating getting their hand slapped and they don't want that. Ok, so the relationship's over and they don't want that. Okay, so the relationship's over.
Speaker 2:And all she had to do was, first of all, not call him up and say why didn't you call? Or, if he calls, definitely don't say why did you call? Should not be the first thing, just act like it's perfectly normal. But even him pulling away, you're over here, feeling insecure. You're feeling needing reassurance. Did I do something wrong? Was I'm not pretty enough? Is he, you know? And then you go into. Well, he's just a jerk. That's just a defense reaction to my own insecurity if I'm a woman. So, as a woman, I'm over here. What you can do, this is the strategy and I want all women to know.
Speaker 2:My daughter wrote a great course on this called Understanding Men. I have lots of details on these techniques, but I'm giving you some of them now and they're in my book, some of them. When he pulls away, send two texts that week Okay, not the same day, like three or four days away and just let him know. Hey, I just was at the bagel shop and they had a new chocolate croissant and it was amazing. I went outside, there was a rainbow. Can you believe that? That's it.
Speaker 1:Right, I love it. It's really good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's such a good technique. So he kind of goes wow, she's not mad at me, that's right. She's not like insecure, she's not needy. Wow, she's a happy woman. I want to be in that bagel shop with her, okay. So see, this is giving him space, but also reminding him that this woman that can be happy because all men want is a happy woman, and you can't be happy all the time.
Speaker 2:I don't want to put that burden on women, but at the same time, a man needs to feel when you're unhappy, he can do something that can help you find happiness. That's the key to this. So then there's the next uh, so you can do that a couple of times and you do that for three or four weeks, and if he still doesn't call you up and ask you for a date or anything, uh, he's gone and it's, it was just not right. The person you know it's, it's, it's just next you'd be. You have to have the freedom to go from one person to get something clicks and you want to go further? Okay. So that's the second stage a few issues in that which is for women not to pursue him at that time. And if he was to start pursuing you again, don't slap his hand, all right, and these little things you can do in between.
Speaker 2:So the next thing and I'll just say it real simply, but sometimes women say, oh, this is in the uncertainty stage. Well, what am I supposed to do? Just sit around and wait? I go. No, you don't sit around and wait. You have your life. You should have a life so you're not overly dependent on a man to complete you. Okay, the the picture that I have of the ideal setting is never perfect. Okay, but the ideal setting is I'm a happy person. This is for a man or a woman, but when I'm with this person, I'm happier. I'm already happy. I have what I need to be happy, content in my life, I'm going along, things are working, basically, and when I'm with him I'm happier. And I don't have to be happier all the time you have to. That's why, in a sense, god made us this way, where you become happier together.
Speaker 2:Then men pull away, women don't pursue, and then what happens is you get a chance to remember. I have all these other things in my life and from what I've heard from my teenage daughters was when a girl starts dating a guy, she stops hanging around her friends. All. They feel like the friends have been dropped completely. The guy gets everything, and so that that's the. That's unhealthy. You should always maintain your family relationships, your friendship, friendship relationships, your work relationships and let the sex relationship be occasional and, more than that, make you go higher and then you come back to the other things. So, anyway, this is to keep balance in your life. There's wisdom to it all.
Speaker 2:Stage one, stage two, stage three, now stage three you've been going through uncertainty for a while. You get closer, pull away, get closer, pull away. At a certain point, when a man pulls away and he's pulled away, he's going to feel a bond in his heart and his mind. So even if his penis isn't saying, I want to have sex with you, his heart wants to be with you, his mind wants to be with you and you're over here feeling like your mind wants to be with him and your heart wants to be with him, and then you're very easy for your body to want to be with him too. So, but this is the key thing on the male side the man has to start feeling a bond with you mentally and emotionally and not just sexually, because after sex it disappears, okay, the hormones of sex go right down, back down to baseline. The problem today and this is an and I wish every man could hear this If you want to build a relationship that you can get to the third stage. The third stage is where you can feel this attraction to your partner all the time, easy to feel on all levels. Now you're ready to make a commitment, okay. So now I feel bonded to you enough to where I realize I don't need to go wandering around anywhere else for a partner I can be with you. That's from the man's point of view.
Speaker 2:Men have this crazy idea that you know I have to give up something and I give up my freedom to be with you. I try to explain to guys if you find a woman that you love and she loves you and you're attracted to, you're not giving up anything. You get the best restaurant in town, so don't think that you're giving up McDonald's to have steak. Okay, there's nothing at McDonald's except worms, all right. So you know, wake up guy. So, but they don't have good mentors. But anyway, you get. You get a good, you get a commitment. And that's where, in some cases, you could hold off from sex until you have a good commitment because you, I recommend, do not have for women. Do not have sex with a man who's having sex with other women or who's not committed to you. You injure yourself. Okay, there's a, your heart opens.
Speaker 2:But if you have, if he knows how to do foreplay and you're hot and you go all the way to the orgasm, it's like you really bond with him. And then when his energy goes somewhere else, it rips it from you and you don't even know what happened and it makes you kind of crazy. Same thing. This is the sad truth, which is when men do porn they rip that energy out of the relationship. So he always says he sort of goes back to uncertainty again. And goes to uncertainty again because when he pulls away during that time of uncertainty as he starts feeling horny and doesn't feel like he can come back to you, he's going to get in trouble. Then he will just go masturbate to satisfy his need to have a sexual release, as opposed to getting it with you.
Speaker 2:There's just a lot about sexual potency and attraction. Like I've been married now Well, with Bonnie. Before she died we were married over 34 years and I was never attracted to any other women. Didn't want to be in other women because sex was so great. I'll say it like that. I would always love her, but the sex was so great. What do I need that for? And men just don't have that. And it's because I had the training as a monk, learning you don't have to masturbate.
Speaker 2:Masturbation is such a loser thing, and so it's very hard for men to make a commitment today. And you'll see, they're not making commitments because there's so much doing porn. Porn just empties out their sexual potency. But that would be to me if I was a woman today. I would say making a commitment before I have sex with you is knowing that you're not going to have sex with anybody else, you're not pursuing another relationship, and knowing that you're not masturbating and knowing that you're not masturbating with porn. Those would be my requirements to be in a committed relationship. Now men will, if that's the requirement and he's falling in love with you. He'll make that if you ask.
Speaker 2:But you have to ask and explain to him the dynamics of it, which is there's an energy we can grow together with if our sexual energy is in a container of our relationship, and it may be a discipline. You know you, it may be. You have a serious addiction and you really need to realize that making love with me will change that addiction and it can help when a man has sex with a woman who you have. Any change you make has to be your choice. Of course you have to make that commitment to do it like giving up smoking. It's a tough thing, you have to commit to doing it, but when you're in a monogamous relationship it's easier.
Speaker 2:If you make the out, if you make the commitment, okay, if you say I'm gonna do it and the woman says I really appreciate it and I need it, and if you break the commitment I can forgive you, but I need to know you breaking the commitment and then we'll start again, because it makes women crazy when they keep bonding through sex with men who release that energy with another woman or another fantasy. Okay, this is another thing I found and discovered in therapy. These are out. This is not being taught in psychology classes. They're teaching you to masturbate and they're teaching couples who have no attraction to watch other people have sex. This is absurd things. Yeah, you have to have the energy of the male and female coming together, but if he does break his commitment, it's like I'm working on breaking my commitment and now we'll start rebuilding again. Now we'll start rebuilding again just because, master, with masturbation it happens.
Speaker 2:So, and for women as well, they need to not be using a robot to have sex with either. You know, this is a robot. There they need to make mode, make love. This is where you want to build your potency, with the male energy, the female energy coming together. Some of those ideas I know you haven't heard me say they're in the book. That's the later john gray. But the bottom line there is you make a commitment.
Speaker 2:So what happens in the stage, stage three commitment? When a man makes that commitment now he feels like I climbed the mountain, I did the job and now I can relax. So all men will just go into doing less, they're just gonna, they're not gonna work on it, they're not gonna do anything. They think all right, now you love me, I love you and it. And for women, what happens for them, the mistake they make at that time, is they feel him pulling away, he's changing, he's giving less.
Speaker 2:And so what? Your tendency as a woman, when you get less is to give more. Right Always works with you know, that's the universal law give more, but if you don't have it to give, you get less. So when you give a man more than what what he's giving you, you will get more of less. That's hard to understand, because if I, as a man, I'm telling you, men, when a woman is giving you less, give her more, and she can't, she can't resist it. She has to give you back. You could, you know it's like uh, give her the roses, call her up, do things, do things for her, mow her lawn, you know, do physical things. You can win her over, if there's a potential for that to exist, because if men give, women will give back. If you give to a man and he's not giving to you, he will give less and less and less, and so you sabotage the relationship by trying to pull him back. So one thing you can do is be aware of that tendency and don't do it. And then you practice a new skill, which is asking for help. Asking for help I'm going to give you two biohacks in it. Which is if you're now commitment.
Speaker 2:Usually when couples make a commitment, they move in together. But we'll see. That's been going on. That's a disaster, but still practical today. Uh, you know, we're all looking for money and it's cheaper to move in together and so forth. Just know that he is now a different man, because when he lived in his apartment and you're living in your apartment, you're always getting that nice distance for his rubber band to pull back so he comes to you. You're getting the spring back. Well, now, the next day, when you're living together, where is he going to pull back to? That's where you need to read men from mars understand men in their cave. He needs to have a lot of space in order to get close to you.
Speaker 2:I have an exceptionally great sex life, always have, since I've had relationships. I'm married again. I have another great sex life and it's because I structure my marriage so that I'm always three days at least three days away from my wife and family, so I miss them all. That's been my job. I didn't like plan that, it's just my job teaching weekend seminars around the country and around the world. So I fly out on friday and teach my classes, come back on monday morning. Usually I will have a day of myself, of just pure cave time and and. But then the first day I get back is all for my wife, cause I am horny and I'm ready to be there and I don't just jump right into bed. I do a lot of things for her. I fix things, I do stuff, and then that night we make love. Then the next day I'll have a pure cave day from the emotional attachment, go back to some book writing and then we have our regular time and then I'm off to leaving town again.
Speaker 2:So I have this wonderful routine and it's not exactly that. Sometimes I would just go for one day somewhere, but sometimes two days, sometimes three days, so it'd be like that. But I limited it to a total of 10 days a month and we would have on the calendar to make sure that John was only gone 10 days a month and sometimes it was five days at the end. I couldn't do five days at the beginning, so there had to be space in between. Space is so important Women. If you're with a guy and you're living with him and he feels grumpy, irritable, passive, you get sick of that. Women complain about this all the time. He just lost his motivation.
Speaker 2:He needs time away from you and he doesn't know how to take time away. And when I explain this cave idea to men, so many men go oh, this is so good to hear. I always feel guilty. Taking time for myself, I feel guilty and quite often the woman wants him to feel guilty because then he'll stay with her. Because, biologically, what produces the hormone that she needs to cope with stress is estrogen, and estrogen is produced by connecting together. It's time together with interdependent relationship. I depend on you for one thing, you depend on me for. So that connection where she can feel I can depend on someone for companionship and conversation and have protection and all that stuff is raising her estrogen levels, which then allows her to be romantic.
Speaker 2:Keep in mind that for a woman, once you hit reality which is around this, this stage of of commitment, you start hitting reality. Before that you're kind of in a fantasy of newness and as little danger with it. That produces dopamine, and dopamine produces high testosterone in men. Dopamine produces high testosterone in men. Dopamine produces high estrogen in women, which means we have polarity. More polarity creates more sexual attraction.
Speaker 2:In the uncertainty stage, he's basically pulling away so that then he can once again experience that polarity. Then, when he experiences that polarity now I'm ready to. I've been through it several times, several times You're the one. I want to be with you. I value you. I make that commitment. I don't have to do anything anymore and what he has to do is he's got to have a job. Of course, this is really the realistic thing you have to have a job. So then what he does is he focuses on. I want to make you happy by focusing on my job and not on all the little things that we did when we were dating.
Speaker 2:When we were dating, I was eager to plan dates because I had to. To get to know you, to get close to you, I had to do all these things. But when you're living together, I don't have to plan those things. To get close to you, the whole reason to plan those things goes away.
Speaker 2:So many of the things ought are automatic before, because a man has to do them he doesn't have to do here, and this feeling of I have to do something that's called work. Work is I have to do things, life is I get to do things. That's the estrogen part fun, love, joy, I get to. So now he doesn't have his automatic I. I have to accept his work so the work will give him interest. She'll become jealous. His work is more important. He's more excited about work than her. All these things come in, and what he has to be educated at that time is first, you have to know how to ask him for what you want. Most women don't know how to ask what they want. They're afraid of looking needy. And the ultimate of romance is asking a man to do something that you could do yourself and he does it for you. I just it's amazing logic. I analyze romance.
Speaker 1:This is right and you started with that, which is crazy, it's crazy.
Speaker 2:I mean, that's what a restaurant is. You take your girlfriend to a restaurant. The cook is doing something for you that you don't have to do. You could, you know. You go to a hotel. The hotel is cleaning the room, setting it all up, cleaning up afterwards all these things you could do for yourself. You don't have to do for yourself you, so you relax. What women need is this context to relax.
Speaker 2:More romance is very, very important, but you can create this now. This is a hack that wasn't in that book. My later books have all these hacks, which is how to feel that when you're in stage three, particularly in stage three, the first knowledge that has to be taught and this is in Men Are From Mars is that every act of love as far as women are concerned, is every act of love, big or small, has the same effect. So you can make more money, I'll love you the same. But if you were to make more money and bring me some flowers, that's an extra point. If you 25 flowers, that's an extra point, but bring me one flower, that's an extra point. So explaining to a man you don't have to do big thing. Big things are good. That's important. I wouldn't have married you if you didn't have a job, okay, I wouldn't commit with you. I wouldn't be having sex with you if you didn't have married you. If you didn't have a job, okay, I wouldn't commit with you. I wouldn't be having sex with you if you didn't have a job. All right, that's this that puts. See, when a man doesn't have a job, you go into your mothering hormones, which are not sex hormones. Okay, you start giving more, automatically. See, to children you can give more because they need you, but what you want is a man activates a woman's sex, which it's a man that doesn't need her but needs to provide for her.
Speaker 2:That's the great thing about men. We're not looking for a mama to take care of us and if he is, run the other direction. We're looking for a woman who's who's a princess in distress and wants a man to kill the dragon. That's the whole story of life right there. It's still true. It's still it's still true.
Speaker 2:But when a woman already has a huge castle and she's got a military and an army, what does she need him for? What every queen needs, this doesn't get. It is a man who cares about her more than anybody else, who's committed to her who provides a kind of support that says she is loved okay, direct support, that she is loved and the way that is. And she doesn't really know what that means. And so if you look at the woman who became the princess in Japan, as soon as she became princess, she was depressed. She doesn't understand that when you have everything on a survival level, you have a whole new set of needs.
Speaker 2:And this is a woman. Today she's beyond survival because she can get a job. So what does she need now? This is just as important or more important. If she has survival, what she needs is a new kind of emotional support, and this is what you click into in stage three. You educate him. It's just. What I need is lots of expressions of love, and there's a nice little book out there called the Five Love Languages. Are you familiar with that?
Speaker 1:Actually, yes, I'm going to be reading that for my next guest.
Speaker 2:Actually, yes, I'm I'm going to be reading that for my next guest. I'm interested to learn about it from my point of view. If you ask john gray what I think about the five love languages, yes, you can always have a preference, but every woman should know every one of those love languages is important, for estrogen is important estrogen. Now, if a man, a man, can have some of those love languages but just know when you're giving that support to him, his estrogen is going up. And for men, our problem today is our testosterone is low and we need an estrogen. Going up pushes testosterone down. It's still important for me to have estrogen. I can't get an erection without estrogen, but my testosterone has to be really high and the estrogen has to be rising. So that's the male and female side.
Speaker 2:So Gary does not in that book. I don't know what his other books do, but I know in that book that's most popular. He talks about the five love languages and every man needs to understand those love languages. All five of them are for your wife's wellbeing and happiness. And then add to that little things of those little things make the big difference. You don't have to just make big about some money or have big cars and big insurance. All you know the basics of life. When you get to survival, particularly for women, what they need is a lot of those little things.
Speaker 2:So what that would look like in my marriage, for example, is every time I see my wife, I give her a hug. Every time I say goodbye to her, I give her. That can happen four times a day. I get up, give her a hug, goodbye, give her a hug. And when I give her a hug, biologically I hold her my arms, I surround her with my arms and I don't go inside. Then she's holding me, that I'm the baby. Put my arms around her like that and I hold her and in my mind I count to six, okay, and I feel I love you. And on one of those four hugs a day, I will tell her I love you so much.
Speaker 2:You have to express the words of love. They have to be expressed now if you want to amplify that. This is the best technique I know, which is for the woman to say do, do you love me? And for the man to say, yes, I love you with all my heart. That's two people doing it together.
Speaker 2:Don't just expect a man to say it. Ask for the man to say it. And why do you ask? Because think about what every woman feels in the beginning of a relationship. Does he like me? Am I beautiful? Is he still attracted to me? Does he want to be with me? Does he want to marry me? Your mind is thinking those things all the time. Thinking those things is the most estrogen stimulating thing you can do if you reveal that to him and so you tell him. This is like a little game I'm going to do. Sometimes I feel insecure and I know you love me, but sometimes I start to doubt it and so I'm'm just gonna say it and then you can say it back and it feels really good.
Speaker 2:It's like a form of sex. It's emotional sex magic, and what women have to know is that men don't feel love all the time. Okay, we have this muscle mass, this testosterone levels. When my testosterone goes up, I'm not like feeling love. If you want to go into battle, you have a mechanism inside of you that disconnects from estrogen. While your testogen shoots, testosterone shoots up.
Speaker 2:You know you're feeling love all the time, but as the enlightened man and the married man, I want to be able to feel love with my partner, and so when I'm with her. If she does that, she goes that way. Of course I have to say yes, because I do love her. But you ask a do you love your wife? Yes, do you feel in love with your wife? Big difference, okay big, do you feel it?
Speaker 2:So now even some men have written books saying that love is not a feeling and that it's an action. And love is an action, it's a loving act. An action can be loving, but the actual feel, love, is powerful. So when a man says I love you because a woman asked him, he will feel it more. He will be like planting his flag. And when you plant your flag, your brain automatically starts remembering how much I love her and it will continue to grow over time.
Speaker 2:It's the same thing for men. If a man doesn't know what he's going to do today, he'll just lay in bed. He has to have a goal and the goal is out there. Then his brain tells him what you have to do. And the same thing when you plant that flag and say, yes, I love you. Do you think I'm beautiful? Yes, I think you're beautiful. Then his brain goes into okay, what are the things I have to do to keep reassuring my wife that she's beautiful, that I love her, that I want to be with her. I'll be with her the rest of my life.
Speaker 1:Well, thank you for all the biohacks and your time and you're just absolutely amazing and thank you from the bottom of my heart. I just absolutely adore you and I think you're just a treasure you really are. And for now, this week's shot at love dating tips that are inspired by Dr John Gray, the world's most well-known relationship expert. Number one avoid giving to receive, which might work for women but won't work with men. Know that giving more will not get you more. Number two feeling appreciation and being receptive go a long way. Being receptive embodies feminine energy and is a woman's best friend when building attraction.
Speaker 1:Number three in his book Mars and Venus on a Date, dr John Gray writes how the cave can be the problem of all problems, but it's not a problem if we understand it. Men need space. It's not your fault, it's biological. So give them the time they need. Don't worry, they'll be back. I hope you found some of my tips helpful this week. This is what Shot at Love is here for to help you find love. Keep up the commitment to yourself and commit to helping someone else by sharing this podcast. Stay safe and stay tuned for more episodes and if you like this show, please subscribe and leave a five-star review. I'm Carrie Brett and we'll see you next time.