As you all know, we have been on a long journey of repairing old wounds and building the marriage we have dreamed of. But the question today is, once you have found your way back to marital happiness, how do you keep it there?
Today we are sharing with you three ways we protect our marriage from the things that hurt it in the past.
It takes guts to tackle the tough stuff in a relationship, and this episode is a tribute to those brave souls who do. We share a heartwarming story of a listener whose marriage found new life through the art of conversation, sparked by our very own podcast. We dissect what quality time really means — hint: it's more than just being in the same room. And for those who think couple's trips are off the table, we're here to tell you why they're non-negotiable for keeping the spark alive.
And, we're sending out a massive thank you to all our listeners for joining us on this journey. Your stories, insights, and heartfelt engagement are what make this podcast a community. So don't be shy – drop us a review and share your own experiences. Each episode is a new chapter in the book of love and marriage, and we can't wait to bring you along for the next page-turner where we'll continue to offer our unfiltered take on intimacy and marriage.
As you all know, we have been on a long journey of repairing old wounds and building the marriage we have dreamed of. But the question today is, once you have found your way back to marital happiness, how do you keep it there?
Today we are sharing with you three ways we protect our marriage from the things that hurt it in the past.
It takes guts to tackle the tough stuff in a relationship, and this episode is a tribute to those brave souls who do. We share a heartwarming story of a listener whose marriage found new life through the art of conversation, sparked by our very own podcast. We dissect what quality time really means — hint: it's more than just being in the same room. And for those who think couple's trips are off the table, we're here to tell you why they're non-negotiable for keeping the spark alive.
And, we're sending out a massive thank you to all our listeners for joining us on this journey. Your stories, insights, and heartfelt engagement are what make this podcast a community. So don't be shy – drop us a review and share your own experiences. Each episode is a new chapter in the book of love and marriage, and we can't wait to bring you along for the next page-turner where we'll continue to offer our unfiltered take on intimacy and marriage.
Welcome to the Married and Naked podcast. I'm Tammy, founder of the blog Married and Naked, certified sexuality coach and speaker.
Speaker 2:
And I'm Joel, tv host, motivational speaker and the guinea pig to the lessons you're about to learn.
Speaker 1:
We're high school sweethearts, married over two decades, and we're on a mission to help you create the marriage you desire and deserve. Let's get naked. Welcome in to the Married and Naked podcast. Everybody Happy to be here with you today. How is everybody doing? How are you, Joel?
Speaker 2:
I'm doing good, sweetheart. I'm enjoying the brand. This is the first time we've actually recorded a podcast in your new studio I say your new studio, this looks great, it's ours. It is ours. I mean, it's the same bedroom, the same, I think it's funny, we call it our new studio.
Speaker 1:
We just took out the bed and put in some chairs.
Speaker 2:
Well, I mean, we did more than that. We replaced the floor, painted the walls, took out the bed, got the chairs, got the desk moved your desk. Now we're sitting in comfortable chairs now.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, so we can look at each other. Yeah, that is nice.
Speaker 2:
This is very nice.
Speaker 1:
Chill and be comfy.
Speaker 2:
Absolutely no. This is great. You did a great job.
Speaker 1:
Thank you Wow.
Speaker 2:
What do you mean?
Speaker 1:
Well, one thing about our marriage is for the entire length of it.
Speaker 2:
I got to go for a second. I think my phone's ringing Hang on. I gotta go for a second. I think my phone's ringing Hang on.
Speaker 1:
I'm sure many women out there maybe can relate to this that whenever I suggest change, especially of furniture or like decor, you throw up like we don't need to do that. What do we need to do that for? Everything we have is perfectly fine, we don't need to do that. That's exactly what you did about this room. You were like I don't know why we need to do that, we don't need to do that. Put up your big walls about it. And then, of course, once we do it, you're like this is great, I love this. That happens every single time. Every time we actually do it, or I get a new couch or whatever. I love this. What I don't understand is why do you put up the?
Speaker 2:
wall. I don't know. I don't know. I wish I had a great reason, I don't know. I mean, this is part of why a marriage is a.
Speaker 1:
Pain sometimes.
Speaker 2:
I wasn't going to say that it's a two-way street.
Speaker 1:
It's a give and take. Where's the give and take?
Speaker 2:
I you, I you gave or I get. I don't even know which part that is, but I'm I don't know it's. Just because it's what I think doesn't make it right.
Speaker 1:
Just because what I feel is, you know it's not vice versa, but I will just say every single time we finally do it, you're like this is so awesome. Good job, tam.
Speaker 2:
Okay, look, if we're being honest, it goes back to my childhood and being abandoned by my family.
Speaker 1:
Oh really, we're going there.
Speaker 2:
Just want to see if I get sympathy points. No, I don't know, I really don't know. You know, as long as you've known me, I do not like change. I just don't.
Speaker 1:
I think change makes you feel out of control. If we are going to go deep there, I think, it comes down to a control issue. Yeah, that's definitely it.
Speaker 2:
That's definitely it. Yeah, I was so funny. You just talked. I was looking at your desk and everything and I'm like we've had the desk for a few years. And I was like man, I've had my desk for 30 years, 30 years.
Speaker 1:
It looks like it too.
Speaker 2:
Well, it does it really does and it serves my function, and I don't really care. And if you were to say to me right now, hey, let's go change your desk, what would I say?
Speaker 1:
No, that's fine, I don't mind if it's your desk.
Speaker 2:
I don't know, I don't know. I wish I had a great answer, but here's the deal. Uh, you made the change you forward. Yes, got over all my walls and negativity, as you said, and here we are. And here we are and it's really beautiful, it's awesome, it's really beautiful.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
So, anyways, I'm sure we have a topic beyond our redesign of the podcast studio that we're going to talk about today.
Speaker 1:
Yes, but first I wanted to read a comment that I got actually a direct message that I got from somebody. Read a comment that I got actually a direct message that I got from somebody. Um, now that I have like a presence on Instagram and I'm spending more time there, I'm interacting.
Speaker 2:
Okay, I'm sorry, I just want to laugh at that.
Speaker 1:
A presence, um, let's see your video To brag every time we're on every every guys, every time I'm around, anybody right now, anybody Let me pull up my phone, my husband is the biggest cheerleader and it's so very sweet. He is my biggest cheerleader, honest to goodness.
Speaker 2:
Okay, at the time.
Speaker 1:
Anytime I'm around and we were just at the hairdresser, he had to pull out the phone. Show him my latest videos. It's very sweet, but you don't have to brag every time about me, babe.
Speaker 2:
Okay, so I'm just going to pull up your feed. At the time of recording this podcast, your last post that you did at the time we're doing this 2.1 million views. The post right next to that one you and I sitting in a car 1.6 million views the one right before that when you give advice. So the advice videos we learn tend to be the ones that have the lowest amount of views it depends.
Speaker 1:
I've had some that have gone done really well 30 000 views it tends to be because those are longer videos two videos right after that 27.3 million views.
Speaker 2:
One video beyond that five okay, okay, enough, baby, enough.
Speaker 1:
I mean, it's killing it, killing it. Thank you back to what married and naked uh, on instagram, just so you know.
Speaker 2:
So good, sorry, continue on, sweetie thank you, my love.
Speaker 1:
Thank you. It's really nice because this is my first year like delving into the world of social media. I mean really spending time there and interacting with people there, and now that I'm there, I get a lot of messages from people who are, you know, thanking me, thanking us, telling us they're listening to the podcast, responding about certain posts I make, and it's really wonderful, it's really fun, it makes me feel good and it makes me feel like, oh, people are like there, they're seeing it, it can make an impact. And then sometimes I get particular messages that especially touch my heart, so I just wanted to share one of those today in hopes to inspire other people.
Speaker 2:
That's okay with you. Please send her what your feelings are of this podcast.
Speaker 1:
She just said hey, I just wanted to say I've been binge listening to your podcast and really love it. Thank you so much. I really relate to a lot of the things that you talk about, from the low sex drive to dealing with money, which we just did a podcast on. She's saying it seems like we argue all the time, but I'm trying, I'm listening to your podcast, really helps. And then I gave her a response and we were chit chatting a little bit and then she wrote back like a week later and said just want to say thank you again for your podcast.
Speaker 1:
I've literally been binge listening and I got the courage to share with him last night about what you talk about. Lots of tears were shed, but he listened and said he's willing to listen to the podcast too. And she said I mentioned about the date night too, which is reference to a previous episode we did, and the rules and the questions, and he said he's all in and it just made me so happy to hear that that the podcast triggered a conversation. I understand if you haven't talked about that kind of stuff before. Like getting the courage to talk about hard stuff is really, really hard.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 1:
So I just want to commend her for getting the courage for talking about it and commending him for hearing it and having the hard conversation and saying, hey, let's dive in and let's do this work together. That's how a marriage gets saved. That's how a marriage transforms is when you're willing to do that together, and it just made me so happy.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 1:
It just made me happy and feel so hopeful for them and feel proud of you and I that we sit here and we say things that are really really hard to say and share and hopes that that our stories and our struggles are are hopefully helping people.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, you know, you hear that a lot right From from people either on socials or sending you messages saying that I can't get them to change, or they'll never do this, or I'm trying but they're not. And so when you hear that like, oh my gosh, cause it takes two, of course Our relationship is where it's at, because both of us work really hard at it A hundred percent. Yeah.
Speaker 1:
We wouldn't be here if, if we weren't both willing to put in the work Now to.
Speaker 2:
To steal a line from somebody I just heard recently say I'm pointing to you. You are the one that has thrown the pebble in the water first on many occasions.
Speaker 1:
Yes, the change, just like she did yeah.
Speaker 2:
The change had come from you, and you making that change has then taught me or, you know, helped me get on board or hop on the same tracks to realize oh, I need to work on myself.
Speaker 1:
I think it inspired you to do your own work as well.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:
Without me pointing a finger saying you need to do this, Joel, it was just me working on me and that inspired you to work on you and thankfully you did.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, yeah, well, that's awesome to hear that it's awesome. Wow, we're making a difference. Yeah, giving therapy to ourselves on a microphone.
Speaker 1:
Exactly.
Speaker 2:
I love it.
Speaker 1:
Exactly Okay, so now we can move on to our topic for today.
Speaker 2:
All right, you know it's interesting hearing you as we're talking about how we lifted ourselves out from the bottom and worked really hard together. And you know the example you just gave is there's another couple out there that's now starting the work, like they're getting into the work. Eventually they're going to come to a point, like you and I, where we're both doing the work. We're both. We're feeling like we're getting on plane and things are going well. How do we hold that sacred? How do we then? You know it's one thing to be down in the dumps, another thing to be up. And then how do you stay up? How do you keep the propeller pushing the boat in the right direction?
Speaker 1:
at the right speed. Yeah, that's a good question and I think there's a lot of things that we do for that, but we can certainly talk about a few ways that we protect our marriage and keep it safe from those things that harmed us before. Let's talk about three ways that we protect our marriage. One of the first things that we do to protect our marriage is we work on creating a lot of one-on-one time.
Speaker 2:
Let's break that down right there, because one-on-one time it's easy to lose. You and I work together a lot, so is that one-on-one time? Like we're sitting right here on two chairs staring at each other in a microphone? Would you consider this one-on-one time? Like we're sitting right here on two chairs staring at each other in a microphone? Would you consider this one-on-one time?
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I think defining what one-on-one time is has been like a learning curve for us. For me personally, no, I don't consider just any time together one-on-one time. I don't consider just any time together one-on-one time For me. Quality time is my love language and it's a specific kind of time that qualifies. For me, One-on-one time equals time without devices. For us, certainly, it's time without work. No-transcript.
Speaker 2:
For us to protect our time. We do create those moments, and the moments are important for both of us. My love language is touch, so we make sure that we have time for touch, and your love language is quality time, and so we make sure that we try to curate time where you feel not me, but you feel like you're getting that quality time.
Speaker 1:
Right. One of the other ways we protect that one-on-one time or curate that one-on-one time is we get away together, just the two of us. We always take family trips, but we are very good about taking time for just the two of us. Usually, at minimum every other month, we're taking at least a night away, and I think that that's been a really big part of us maintaining connection in our marriage is that one-on-one time away from the house, away from work, away from the kids. It's been a really vital component of the health of our marriage.
Speaker 2:
A hundred percent. Yeah, I love spending that one-on-one time with just you when we get away. It's so wonderful and I know you get a lot of pushback from people on that topic.
Speaker 1:
Sometimes because you know people will argue and say, well, we don't have the time to get away, or we don't have the money to get away, or we don't have the support system to watch the kids. And I will push back a little bit on that. Just because if you want to create the marriage that you desire and deserve to have, then you have to fight against excuses. Sometimes you have to find a way around, even if that means like you and I did in the beginning. We knew that date nights out were not really ideal for us. They probably weren't going to be a consistent way because they were expensive, they took too much time. You have to get a sitter. So we're like, okay, what are we going to do? How are we going to make this happen?
Speaker 1:
So we did date nights at home and then we didn't have to deal with all that. We just put the kids down and then we had date night once a week and we did that. You make it happen. If it matters, you make it happen. So, even if that means date breakfast or you meet for lunch or however, you can make that work. You got to make it work. Your marriage is important, so I will fight against that a little bit, that you have to create the time and the opportunities. Even if you can't physically get away, you have to create like a get away at home.
Speaker 2:
I like it. Yeah, I like it.
Speaker 1:
Another way that we protect our marriage is we are willing to have tough conversations.
Speaker 2:
We just had one today, sorry we did just have one today, you're right. Yeah.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, can we share without sharing? We don't have to share what the conversation was, but how we approach tough conversations and why are tough conversations important for protecting our marriage. And we just commended the woman that was sharing. I shared what she said, that she approached and had the courage to say the hard things. Why is that so important in a marriage?
Speaker 2:
I will say this so I overreacted to something last night and big overreaction, which is very common I shouldn't say it's very common for me, but it's common for me I overreact, I'm big about it and think that my feelings are superior to yours. When I'm overreacting, just in that you know it's that fight or flight. I'm in the fight mode, you're in the flight mode, that's typically how we go and I'm like, ah, big and loud, and and then you know, of course you know I realized I was way too, way too overreactive about this and wrong and how I approached it and apologized last night. But you know, the next day you wake up and you're still feeling a way about it, rightfully so. You're still feeling a way and it's so important to clear the air so that those feelings don't linger.
Speaker 1:
For me, the importance of having the tough conversations is I think it's twofold. Having the tough conversations is I think it's twofold One I see so many relationships where they're not willing to talk about the hard things and because of that there is a limit to the depth that that relationship can go. There's a limit to the connection that that relationship can feel. There's like walls that are up and I feel like they're never going to get out of that relationship what they deserve to get out of it, if that makes sense, like those tough conversations, if they're always there waiting to be had and they never get had. There's just walls around you that are not allowing you to create the connection that you are probably desiring to have. And really sometimes there are protection walls because you don't want to have them and that's your choice, but it's going to keep you from having that connection. So I see that happen a lot, that couples don't want to have those tough conversations. The other thing is not having those conversations can like, for instance, in the example of having like an argument like we had last night today. I said in the car I need to like clear the air about how I'm feeling, about last night. If I didn't the car. I need to like clear the air about how I'm feeling about last night.
Speaker 1:
If I didn't do that, what happens is I start building up little bits of resentment, and I have learned from our past that that little bit, even that's a little bit of resentment. If I do that again and again and again and again and I did do that for years After time that resentment will become monumental. It is so damaging to a relationship and it nearly tore us apart. My resentment nearly tore us apart because I just kept putting that stuff under and just pretend I'm just going to keep moving through, just going to keep moving through and just pretend it's not there. Let's just keep going, keep going. And then all this resentment. Just one day it exploded and it almost exploded us. And so having those tough conversations allows even though sometimes they feel like they're going to tear you apart those hard conversations. If you can learn how to work through them the right way, they can be so healing. And it's in those hard conversations that you and I have found so much healing and so much growth.
Speaker 2:
I was going to say growth more than anything.
Speaker 1:
I mean.
Speaker 2:
I think we've grown the most as a result of those conversations.
Speaker 1:
But certainly we have learned how to communicate through those and really hear each other through those. If we're like fighting, we don't do so good, you know. But but approaching those hard conversations, when we are in a place that we're as it sounds like that woman that was sharing earlier where you're willing to like hear your partner, then there's so much growth that can happen in those situations and I just really encourage you not to shy away from them, to dig in and to go there and to have those conversations and if you're scared to do them, then to get somebody who's can help you, like a therapist or a counselor that can help you dive into those hard conversations and to work through all those things so that that resentment isn't building up, because nobody wants to live that way. I didn't want to. I don't like living that way, feeling that way about you. Nobody wants to live that way, feeling resentment.
Speaker 2:
I'm just curious in your opinion, why do you think it's so hard to have those conversations?
Speaker 1:
I think vulnerability is terrifying, the idea of what's going to happen if I say whatever, that hard thing is to say. What's going to happen on the other end? Am I going to be rejected? Are you going to be mad at me, are you? I don't know, who knows what the fear is on the other end. Are you going to leave me me, whatever it is? Yeah, I think it's just a fear, fear of being so vulnerable that there's something that's gonna happen on the other end. That's gonna be a terrible response that's a good answer.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, yeah, that makes sense I've been through the resentment thing. I don't want to go there anymore. So if I feel it, we need to talk about it so that it's not lingering anymore. I don't want to feel that way anymore. And the third way we protect our marriage and I think this is quite evident and we talk about this time and time again, we've already talked about it today is we do our own inner work.
Speaker 2:
That's what we're just saying.
Speaker 1:
We talk about it over and, over and over and over. We protect our marriage by doing our own work and the saving of our marriage, as I said earlier, as oh, I think I'm confusing I think we recorded two things.
Speaker 1:
I think I said this on the previous recording, but the saving of our marriage started with my own inner work, with me doing my work and then you being inspired to do yours and your willingness to do yours. If you are not willing to do the work, or your partner is not willing to do the work, your marriage is going to really struggle to repair.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I can't. I just can't fathom the amount of times I hear this. That I'm not going to change, that's just who I am.
Speaker 1:
Somebody saying I am who I am, I'm never going to change. I think that is a full blown cop out yeah. I will just fall on that sword right now. I will just fall on that sword right now. I'm not saying that you need to be a different person for your spouse that's not what I'm saying but somebody who is unwilling to see their own.
Speaker 2:
Flaws.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
Issues when it comes to being in a relationship.
Speaker 1:
Yeah. And to see that they're not perfect yeah. And to see that they're not perfect, yeah, or not even that they're not perfect, but that they have the ability to be better for themselves, for the people around them, to not see that for the people that they love. I think that that is just such a cop out of not being willing to put in the hard work Because it's hard work, I get that Nobody wants to actually do it.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 1:
But it's just a cop-out and it's not okay in my opinion, and the cop-out way out is to just say we are who we are and we can't do anything about it.
Speaker 2:
And we're always going to have problems here.
Speaker 1:
Of course we can do something about it. We can work to be better for each other, we can work to be better for ourselves. We don't have to be different people, but we can work to be the better version of ourselves so that we can have the marriage that we want to have.
Speaker 2:
That's what makes, that's what keeps our relationship, in my opinion, so wonderful, is exactly what you said about we're both doing the inner work and we're both learning constantly, evolving constantly, because we're both doing that inner work.
Speaker 1:
That's some of the ways. We have many, many more ways, but some of the ways that we protect our marriage. Thank you so much for listening. We love having you all here with us today. Let us know what you think about the podcast. Please don't hesitate to leave us a review. We always appreciate that. It helps our podcast get out to more listeners and that would mean a great deal to us, and we look forward to talking with you next time on the Married and Naked podcast. Bye, everybody.
