Lolita Guarin's Journey to Stress Management

Join host Rich Bennett in an enlightening conversation with Lolita Guarin as she shares her inspiring journey from aspiring for the American dream to confronting the harsh realities of burnout. Lolita, an adult child of an alcoholic, dives deep into her personal experiences, revealing how childhood trauma influenced her career and led her to become a stress management coach. Discover effective strategies for managing stress, learn about her transformative book, "Stress Management for Adult Children of Alcoholics," and gain insights into achieving a balanced life despite challenging circumstances. This episode is a must-listen for anyone seeking to understand and overcome the complexities of stress.

Be Amazing You - Stress Management

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Transcript

Rich Bennett 0:00
Thanks for joining the conversation where we explore the stories and experiences that shape our world. I'm your host, Rich Bennett, and today we're honored to have Lolita grow in join us so lead his journey from aspiring to achieve her American dream. I want everybody remember that American dream, too, Confronting the realities of burnout and stress management is both compelling and enlightening. Two decades ago, Lolita arrived in the U.S. with high hopes and ambitions. Diving headfirst into her career, she soon found herself battling burnout, a challenge exasperated by her upbringing as an adult child of an alcoholic. This personal experience led Lolita on a quest for effective stress management techniques beyond the conventional approaches. Her book, Stress Management for Adult Children of Alcoholics How to Manage Everyday Life Without Being Overcome by Childhood Childhood Trauma. Is a testament to her journey and her commitment to helping others navigate the complexities of stress in the shadow of childhood trauma. Today, Lolita shares her insights, strategies and personal story with us are leading to. First of all, welcome to the show. 

Lolita Guarin 1:18
Well, thank you so much. Such a pleasure to be here. 

Rich Bennett 1:21
Oh, the pleasure is mine. Stress management is something that 

I've always been big on because I was in the car business. Of course, also Marine. But I think I, I think more stress came in the car business that being in the Marine Corps, mainly because that business your pay commission and if you don't sell any cars, you're not making any money and it's hard to budget your money where and you're constantly under stress. When I went into the I.T. field, I had the layoff because they had they said they were having a stress manager come in. If anybody wanted to talk to him, it was like stress for what a company people are like, This is very stressful job. I said, This is gravy, but I understand that every job is different. You know, people don't understand that. But I have to say, when you came here to United two decades ago. 

Lolita Guarin 2:23
I know. I guess I was two years old because I'm still 21. 

Rich Bennett 2:26
Well, I was going to say that I was going to say 22, but that's okay. 

See you. What is your American dream? 

Lolita Guarin 2:38
The way I expected was going to be for me is that if I work hard, I get what they want. You know, I can have enough money to travel, I can buy whatever I want, I can eat whatever I want. And I understood that I really need to put my hours in there. But I was not really afraid of it because the country that I came from and right now is a Lithuania, which for those who are listening in and thinking where she's from, I hear this accent. Yeah, I'm from Lithuania near definitely. And I will never grovel. It will never grow on me. It's just still gonna stick with my Lithuanian accent. 

Rich Bennett 3:14
That's okay. I love the accent. Keep it. 

Lolita Guarin 3:17
Thank you. So 20 years ago, actually now, 24 years ago, Lithuania was already independent, obviously. But there were lots of opportunities here overseas. And, you know, when you watch the movies, they always look so great and like, now I laugh. I say, those are movies. Those are not documentaries. You know, But I was never afraid of work. So I came here as an au pair. I came as a nanny. And while I was here, my mom called me and she said, They want a green card lottery. So they became residents. Yeah, there is such a thing and such and things like that is for not every country. Obviously is on the list. Only those who don't have enough, I mean, very low number of citizens of that country, then they can participate in that lottery. So my parents won and so they came here and I'm extremely happy and so blessed that they here with me, they live like two miles away from me. So but, you know, carry on the conversation when I arrived here was working very hard and I was putting in my hours and working overtime and weekends. And I just saw all those possibilities that are possible. And the opportunities, of course, came along because I would tell my manager I won more money. With more money, there is more responsibility and is meaning less time and less energy in the rest of your life. 

Rich Bennett 4:39
Oh, yeah. 

Lolita Guarin 4:41
When that burn out kicked in because how long can you can go on like that? I was not really eating right. I was not eating, you know, not sleeping. And what, Jim, I mean, there was no time for Jim. You know, I would get up and go to the ladies room. That was my biggest work out of the day. So. So I was like, okay, that really caught up with my body and I just got physically sick in my thirties. And the ladies who are listening will know that the hormones, it really means a lot to us. And it just derailed everything else. And I came to the conclusion they need to start paying attention more now what they do. But when they became stress management coach because I was so passionate about introducing to people that the stress management should not be so stressful, you know, you don't have to 

Rich Bennett 5:30
Right. 

Lolita Guarin 5:30
stress about it and don't make it another chore because everybody says, I don't have time for this. But but you do, you do. You can just set your mindset different way, do some few habits into your life and you can help it yourself. But the really the the last piece that completed the puzzle for me was when I was reading a book about how to get coaching clients because I was a coach already. They're then the author of the book mentioned that her father was alcoholic, and that was the first time I was introduced to the terminology of adult children of alcoholics. And when I read the whole book about that, I was like, I cannot believe it. That's me. And what is that what it means? That means somebody who grew up in childhood trauma is more stressed out and more hypervigilant and everything. Everything is pretty much more because when you just every single day for you is a stress that's became a normalcy. And that normalcy when they added on extra hours, not enough nutrition and sleep and all of this, that's when my body said, okay, that's just enough. And that completed the last piece of the puzzle that now I always say is not necessarily about the situation that someone is, but who is that person who is handling that 

Rich Bennett 6:50
Right. 

Lolita Guarin 6:50
situation. So you can have two people in the same room and something happens, two of them will react very differently based on what childhood they grew up and how are they equipped already to manage the stress and take situations on. 

Rich Bennett 7:05
Okay. So with your childhood, was it it was one of your parents that was an alcoholic. 

Lolita Guarin 7:12
Yes. Well, my dad was an alcoholic. 

Rich Bennett 7:13
That was okay. Alcohol or alcoholism? Well, it is an addiction. It can be hereditary. But, Dad, you're dad didn't come to you as well, did it? In other words, you didn't become an alcoholic yourself, did you? 

Lolita Guarin 7:31
No, I did not. And actually I was so against any some sort of addiction that I never even smoke a cigarette in my life because 

Rich Bennett 7:39
Really? 

Lolita Guarin 7:39
I said I'm not going to get addicted to that. But here's the catch. I became a workaholic. 

Rich Bennett 7:47
I know that feeling. Yeah, I'm the same way. But I'll be honest with you. I'd rather take being a workaholic than an alcoholic. Or, you know, even. Well, you have to. So many different alcoholics. A gamble. I don't know if that's a right. 

Lolita Guarin 8:04
Ken Pollack. I like that. 

Rich Bennett 8:05
Game aholic. A gambling addiction, I guess you could say. Or even drug addiction. So, I mean, but that's good. I applaud you for that because you know, cigarettes, nothingness, everybody's got their addiction one way or another. Work, to me is there's nothing wrong with an addiction like that. You know, it's there sometimes. Yeah, it may take away from family, but a lot of times there's people that are doing it, working so hard, they're doing it so as they're making it better for their family. 

Lolita Guarin 8:41
Yes. So. So this one, I read a lot about the Dr. government. And it really made so much sense because this is a few in now for those who are listening in and they're like, you know what? I don't need to listen for the rest of this podcast because I have no addiction in my family whatsoever. So this is what is not for me. I am I want to address pretty much every human being that grew up with childhood trauma. 

Rich Bennett 9:08
Mm. 

Lolita Guarin 9:08
And there's something is always I mean, as you know, any parent can know that there is no way that you will never traumatize a child somehow even telling them, okay, it's the naptime and you're going to go to your room and take a nap. Now, that's already traumatizing to kids, but you have to do that because of other reasons. So I think the whole human experience to begin with from day one when you're born is already very traumatic. But we need to learn how to manage the stress. And the problem is that through generations, nobody teaching us how to manage our emotions and nobody tells us that Now you're upset. That's okay. Let's cry out like that's okay. You can be angry right now. You don't like the situation you and okay, we're going to run out with that that emotion. We're going to address it. We want to label it. And this is how it goes. No women always told, shut up, sit down, stop, stop yelling, stop screaming. And this is both from generation to generation. And so there's a lot of people that grew up in that seems amazing families. And for example, my mom never had any addiction, which workaholic, to be honest. That's her addiction again. And what happened that my dad was drinking, but he was a functioning alcoholic. You know, he will go to work. You still bring money and he, at the end of the day, will just get drunk. And sometimes he doesn't come back home. Sometimes he comes back home. But he's very violent and throwing things. But for me, as a child, I had this of uncertainty that I'm constantly being stressed. I don't know what I'm going to do. I was afraid to go home after school, but at the same time, from a neighbors point of view, it's like, okay, we're still functioning. You know, I'm I have plenty of food. I'm dressed, I go to school. I was a very good student. And so it's functional family. And there's so many families like that where there is this dysfunction for children shows up as of a parent or even even if it's there is emotionally the not supported child and child does not feel loved and supported and sure of himself or herself and knowing that they are loved for who they are, that's going to be a traumatic experience for a child that that will grow up into a doll of thinking, okay, I'm worthless. And this is what happens with the kids that didn't get enough of attention or support or validation from the parents. So then you grow up of thinking, okay, if I'm not love for who I am, I'm going to become useful. I'm going to be this high achiever, a workaholic, you know, like I'm gonna make rewards, I'm gonna, you know, starts with with great. The more I do this, I'm going to do this to impress my parents. So finally they see me that I am worth keeping it. Because as we know, we all a herd animals, right? We need to be in the room. So if we are not contributing to the group, we are afraid to be discarded and hence we die. So all of this childhood experience really carries on this how you handle everything else in your life. And that's how somebody becomes workaholic and then goes into burnout. And and even those who have clients who come to me and be like, I have few businesses, I have my family, I'm now stressed out and I know what to do, but I'm doing it all for the family. For the child who's listening right now, who a parent who thinks that if they're going to work long hours, the providing the money, that's not what the child needs. The child needs a hug and a kiss and then being seen and loved. This is what they need. So one hour, if you want to work or you want to see your child, go see your child, because then they will grow up in the more mature adult that they actually can help themselves to regulate them and beat any stressful situation and also take care of their own children. 

Rich Bennett 12:42
Yeah, Yeah. I always think of I mean, there's been movies about it, but I've also known people where it is has happened. Like, you know, the guy who never got the chance to speak, or I should say the father never got the chance to play catch with his son or even daughter, or they didn't get a chance to go to the ballet recital. And that's something that they'll never get back again. Yeah, it's something they missed. And I had a friend of mine that to this day he's still upset about it because he had a big I think it was a wrestling match. He had he made it to the finals and his father was in a bar getting drunk and missed it. And that's something he said he would never, never forget. I mean, he forgave his father. But still, it's you know, you don't forget. That's the big thing. It actually with you. So, you know, you face challenges as well. How how did you overcome them through your childhood and even work with the childhood trauma? 

Lolita Guarin 14:00
So everything really started when I realized that I'm stressing out more than I should or I should say. I think stress environment a little bit differently than somebody else who came from more stable family. 

Rich Bennett 14:16
Mm hmm. 

Lolita Guarin 14:17
The first thing that came to my mind, it was, Oh my gosh, I am damaged. Like, this is it for me now I am damaged. Forget the goal. Forget everything that this is it. So that was a lot of disappointment. Then the next stage for me was I became very angry. And on my on my. Thinking he was never there for me and he still continues not being there for me. But where the next step arrived is when I wanted to change and were like, okay, well, I have I know this truth about myself now, and I know what triggers me. I know how will they react? And so I started the healing journey of understanding like, no, I don't you know, I don't need my dad to validate me. I'm already good enough the way I am. But the also the very major part for me was to forgiving my father as well. And I was very angry at him for the longest time. But the only one that realized that, well, you know, hurt people, hurt others. I believe that. And I don't think he hurt me on purpose. No. No parent wakes up in the morning and says, you know what I'm going to do today for fun? I'm going to hurt my kids. I don't think there's a parent like that. It's when they realize that my dad was dealing with his own traumas and his his family emotionally abandoned him. And I remember when I was a child, the will when he will come back home drunk, he will pick up the phone and call his mom or his dad like, you know, somebody who picks up the phone in the house. And I will remember him saying that, Why you don't love me? What's wrong with me? And so when they remember that, it was like, you know, my dad's pretty much, you know, dealing with his own pain and he doesn't know how to soothe himself, so he gets himself drunk. And when they came to conclusion that he's just another toddler inside, there needs to be, you know, loved and held. And he is not really that authority that even he's not even a father strong enough to take care of his child because he cannot even take care of his own emotions. And that's where I understood that I need to, you know, just to have empathy. So now when I see people reacting, overreacting, I always ask myself, like, you don't even know what's happening in their life, and they probably cannot even handle themselves yet alone. They handle you. And so when they forgive my you know, my my dad and I started doing just things for myself that help me to heal. And there was a lot of guilt and shame that came with, oh, well. 

Rich Bennett 16:53
Hmm. 

Lolita Guarin 16:54
And there wasn't one sentence that I remember. It triggered me so much. People will always say, You just need to love yourself and, you know, love yourself and always struggle to be. Because it felt to me like it was a criticism. Like, Oh, I'm not I'm still not doing this good enough. And then when you come from the grow up in a dysfunctional family where you're not being seen for who you are or appreciated, you feel like you continuously need to improve and keep on going and going. Running off to the horizon, that's not even there. But now, when they know that they have those tendencies and they know the things that can trigger me and I know how to manage myself and they have tools that they do. It gets easier. And then more than that, then even the next situation comes. That used to trigger me. Now it doesn't trigger me anymore, but it everything starts with acknowledging, you know, what your childhood was, that this is who you are. It doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just different. We all different. And that's the beauty of life, that we all are different. And you just say, okay, it's like going playing dominoes, you know, everybody gets dealt some, you know, dominoes. And then you say, okay, this is how I'm going to play. But you always need to remember there is always resources if you want to. There's always the bugs behind you. You can go and get my dominoes. And sometimes we just forget about that. 

Rich Bennett 18:13
You mentioned you had to heal yourself. What were some of the things that you did to help heal yourself? 

Lolita Guarin 18:22
I think the healing process is constant all our lives, because there's always something to heal and something to improve. First of all, you know, and but just being more kind to myself, many things, I started writing down things and for example, I was very hypervigilant and always would expect the worst. And I remember when I when I was working a full time job, the the my boss came and he said, can you would you mind stepping into my office? And I was thinking, oh, my gosh, they firing me, like really firing me. And he started the conversation with, you know, we are in the second quarter of this year. And I'm thinking, here we go. He's going to tell me that they know they don't have the budget. And he's like, you know, we're seeing how much you work and how much you make. And I'm thinking, oh, they're gonna cut me off. And then he says, For your good work, we had such a good half of the year, we're going to give you a raise. 

And I didn't expect it. I was expecting is going to be the worst, right? 

Rich Bennett 19:20
Good. Say, I bet those bricks were lifted off your shoulder, weren't they? 

Lolita Guarin 19:25
But this is just shows that every situation I already going to look at it, that it's the worst thing scenario because naturally my brain was trained to prepare myself for that. But the bad thing about this, I think, is bad, that I'm always looking at any relationship like that. The same like there's a person I'm going to meet. I'm already thinking, okay, I need to put my or myself what's going to come out. It's hard to really to be connected to caring people because I'm already expecting, okay, this should be pain and suffering somewhere. So that's when I realized that, okay, this is how I'm doing, and then open myself more up and then need to give myself a break. And a lot of times we stress ourselves out, you know, like, really not much happening. But we're doing this like, for example, sitting in traffic, you know, somebody cut you off. It's like just we take so personally. It's like we don't even they don't even see us our face. Well, you know, and I started thinking to this, I said, you know what? I don't even know. Maybe they need to go. You know, maybe maybe somebody is getting 

Rich Bennett 20:30
True. 

Lolita Guarin 20:30
you know, there are multiple reasons. So when you say, you know, there is a reason that has nothing to do with me, you really eliminated a lot of stress. 

Rich Bennett 20:40
Yeah, I. Lilly, I'm with you. Right. Because that's. That's something that I always had a problem with. I always thought the worst about everything. If I was heading into something that's like, I'm just thinking negative things to this day, I learn. Well, I learned years ago how to basically just keep thinking positive. No matter what happens, Anything bad that happens, there's something positive about it. Before we started recording, I mentioned about the the bridge collapse by where I live. And as soon as it happened, of course I'm thinking, 

okay, this is bad, but what are two good things? Number one, it didn't happen during rush hour. That's a positive. Number two, the one of the guys from Maryland, Department of Transportation, was it got the S.O.S. from the ship in time. And they were able to stop a lot of the traffic from going across. So these are things you got to look at a lot of people right away. They just think the negative thoughts and that's all they're thinking about. And you see it with that now people are like, oh, well, who is responsible for? And of course, the the conspiracy theories and all that. But no, I'm with you there. For the longest time I did. And even with work, you know, I was always like, God, you hate it. Any time I got called into the office where you know, from one of my bosses, all I thought about was when I was in high school getting called into the principal's office because I was in trouble. And the same thing was going through with my. Okay, we just went through a merger. They're getting rid of me. Whatever. No problem. And then I'm thinking, okay, this is going to suck to fire me, but where can I go? And then, yeah, the one time I went is because it was for evaluation. They gave me a raise. It's like, Oh, wow, I wasn't expecting that. But I think you're right. A lot of people think the worse and you have to stop doing that. I know it's hard. It's very hard for a lot of people. 

Lolita Guarin 22:51
I think. 

Rich Bennett 22:51
There are no they're just going to say there's there's techniques or things you can do to overcome that. 

Lolita Guarin 22:59
Yeah. And I was about to say that I have a lot of clients who they just worry so much and I'm like, Okay, stop stressing. Get a piece of paper, write it down on top of it. What is that you're afraid of? And then just keep listing and brainstorm. And what will you do then? You know, like, okay, I'm gonna lose a job. Okay, And then what? Okay, I'm going to, you know, cash out my savings. Okay? And then what? I'm going to get your form. Okay? Okay. If you don't have none of those. Okay. What friends do I have? Okay. Who? I can crash on somebody. So for us. Okay, so when you mentally prepare yourself and you write it down, all of this now, we're not going to be stressing so much. Definitely. Because you already went that route. Then you told your brain that you will survive. You will not die. 

Rich Bennett 23:42
Right? Yeah, I just. One of my biggest fears was flying. And the last time I flew was 1995. And then in February, we went to New Orleans. So I had to get on that plane and fly. It was no problem whatsoever. It was easy, as I would have been afraid of. See, it's sometimes just worse driving it. Well, a lot of times you look at the statistics just worse driving the car. But still, you're actually your book offers strategies tailored for those who grew up in households affected by alcoholism. Can you share one or two key strategies that you found most transformative? 

Lolita Guarin 24:29
I think one of the there are so many things that the kids who come from dysfunctional families struggle with, but one of them I can touch on is a fear of abandonment. There's a fear of abandonment, not necessarily could be physical, but also emotional as well. So, for example, ways that people pleasing comes. So someone who is listening and right now I just can have a few questions like, okay, when somebody tells, you know, you know, like they're not going to do this for you, do you feel bad? Or if you want to do something for someone, you want to help them, let's say, and they say, No, I don't need your help. How that makes you feel? Do you feel neglected? But because you feel like you're useful, you want to help them. But because they told you no, you feel they invalidated you and what you want to do. And then you feel just excluded from the group. Like that's a fear of abandonment. We are afraid to be alone and we are afraid to be useless. So whatever comes, or even the physical. For example, I had a client who stressed out so much because her kids don't come, you know, at 6 p.m. they have to be at home or the husband needs to be 6 to 6 p.m. and every day, lady, she gets stressed out. It's very natural. And it's not something that you can tell. You tell yourself, like, go, just stop stressing. That doesn't work that way. So you need to train your brain, give them more evidence as possible. So I recommend a lot of people just make a list list of things that prove to you that you are capable of things. So for example, if somebody is afraid that, okay, my family will die on the road, home and whatever recorded every day when they come back later than they should. So next time you're stressed out and think, Oh my gosh, they're not going to make it home, something happens and they don't answer the phone. You know that how it is if they don't answer the phone. This is something, ma'am. But look at that list that you wrote and then you will see it, that in the past there were multiple times that actually they were late and nothing happened. So that you tell your brain, you give you more evidence to the brain that it can calm down. Everything is okay. Another list that helps a lot of increasing, you know, making feeling better in your own skin and especially has to do with if you are afraid to take on new projects or you feeling uneasy changing anything or moving a different location or any any kind of change you think you are going to make it or you feel like you're not worthy enough for getting things. I recommend to write a list of all of your achievements right now, even small ones, like getting a driver's license, you know, simple things. And I think I heard that from Jack Canfield in his book. And it says, You make all of this even things like I'm a great cook, you know, like, oh, I time I shoes very well. You know something? 

Rich Bennett 27:28
Things. 

Lolita Guarin 27:29
Simple things, you know, or, you know, like, for example, like, oh, I finish high school and you think it's not a big deal, but a lot of people, you know, don't finish high school. 

Rich Bennett 27:37
Right. 

Lolita Guarin 27:38
So when you're feeling stressed. And this in this. So is really what is is there for you. And if you think like I don't even have an you just ask your family members or your friends, the good ones in and that those that the jealous and they will be very negative but the those that can inspire and support you and the create the list of the things that you can be proud of or start now being proud of and then read that to yourself whatever you feel like, okay, I'm not going to make it or I am. I don't deserve this part. It's not going to work or I'll never get that new job or never get in another relationship. Nobody will love me. Start reading this list and just kind of remind your brain like, you know, you've been through this before. There were situations a very is, you know, stressful and tragic sometimes in your life, but you made it alive because you're still reading the list, right? Otherwise you will be dead. So the more of those tools that you give to your brain and you in you talk to yourself and on top of it just being kind to yourself. There is one thing that I tell a lot of my clients and anyone that they talk to. You can not bulldoze your self into success no matter what you do. It's you can talk about getting in your job. You can talk about having a diet like starting a new diet. You cannot bulldoze yourself into it because you are abandoning yourself. And remember how it talked before the fear of abandonment. The funny thing is that if you grew up in an environment where you were emotionally abandoned, how you felt you doing the same thing to yourself. So when you don't feel good about yourself, you talk negatively and then you punish yourself and then you tell yourself, you stupid and whatever. So you're really not supporting yourself. You're abandoning yourself emotionally as well. So I don't. Just be kind to yourself and look what I mean. Just pay attention to your needs and or meet them like, okay, are you are you dehydrated right now? Go get some glass of water. Do you feel uncomfortable and your clothes will change into something else. The things don't have to be so big, but even doing small things here with them, they can give you the feeling of control that you are there for yourself and you're not abandoning yourself emotionally. So hands. Then you feel better and you trust yourself. Then you become more confident. Then you don't feel so stressed out and you can handle your life so much better. Or that's happening around you. 

Rich Bennett 30:08
I really love that. And especially the list. And the one thing you said about the list. Know, even just writing down, you know, how to tie your shoes. What do both you and I do? We laughed at that. Well, yeah, we laughed. It made us feel good. So even something like that, that little thing. Yeah, it sounds silly. But when you laugh, make yourself feel good. Guess what? That's helping relieve the stress. I really, really like that idea. I'm going to have to do that. So with you being a stress management coach, one of the things I love to hear is good stories. So can you share maybe one or two stories of your clients, just how pleased they were and how it made you feel? Yeah, when you help them overcome their stress. 

Lolita Guarin 31:02
I love that. Those are the many stories that become really like identical because the people are struggling with the same type of things and they help the same tools help them or different tools help them. But when you think about the end of a day, we're all very similar. It's just how we handle things. But for example, I had clients who would come to me and they were thinking, You really did need to do a surgery on the neck or something because they were thinking that, you know, there's so much pain and they went to the doctor and they give them painkillers and all of this. And as we know, the body keeps the score. You know that this is all the manifests in your body. And when we start working on this, just like a simple acceptance of how you just can allow yourself to be you. And for example, I had one client that she was complaining about her neck pain and and but she was such a control addict of that everything had to be controlled. And if somebody doesn't do the way she wants to, she's just she just doesn't know how to handle that because she grew up in an environment that was normal for her. So she expects everything else in life the same. And so when I told her, like you just can you know, we work through tools, of course, different things. We tried until we arrived to the point when she was able to relax more of her own expectations. And it had to do with her own state of mind. It's not like she changed all the people around herself, but she really proved herself over time that no matter what you do, she's not going to die. And then she can let go of those few things and and nothing actually change but more. It gave her more energy and time. Then she can be happier and less stressed. And, you know, the pain disappeared because that was all just sitting there because she was, you know, so stressed out. So so that's one story. Another client I had that she was afraid to leave the house because if her husband is not at home and if he leaves the house, she she's feeling constantly anxious and he doesn't pick up the phone. And she has a very, very strong fear of abandonment. And so are the tools that I know she was able to work with her mindset and through those lists that keep on repeating to herself and adding more self-care. Of really that has to do with allowing your own needs. There's so many times that we come from if we come from an environment that we've been told that whoever we are is not good enough, we will be even afraid to, on our own needs. Many from families like that don't even know what those needs are, is like we feel ashamed or our needs or we think we need to ask somebody else's permission is like so many are afraid of. You know, in business they say, well, if you are afraid of success, it's like, yes, because you are afraid to be different. If you're different and they're going to exclude you, hence you're going to die. So really, you have to, you know, think was the issue is coming from. But a lot of them I can tell you it's really coming from just human experience that we grew up in and are some traumas, you know, that over time for one person can see the 

what I'm trying to say for one person is a bigger trigger is for somebody is the same thing is not really a trigger. So we are very personally very individualistic on that. But overall, it's all associated with human trauma. 

Rich Bennett 34:37
Right. So for our listeners who may identify with being adult children of alcoholics, 

what advice would you give them if they're just starting their journey toward better stress management? Well, the first bit of advice would be, of course, to contact you, but. 

After that. 

Lolita Guarin 35:00
Yes, But first I would say you did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong. And you are amazing the way you are. And those people that were around you, they were dealing with their own problems. It was not personal. 

It took me a while to understood this, but when they realized that, hey, you know, I can I can I have permission now to go and do my things and also by doing my things, that doesn't mean I'm abandoning my my parents. Right? I'm still honoring them. But you also need to honor yourself. So it all starts with there's nothing wrong. You can do this. There's a better things for you can happen. You just have to allow it. And it is in a way it's like if you want to be that your parents will be proud. You think that they will be so proud of you when you are living a better life. So it's just kind of like a circle. And then you can take care of your own people in your life that you care and love as well. So it's not only about you. There are a lot of people that are looking at us and the, you know, our mood matters as well and how stressed out we are as well. And it looks like nobody sees it. But when you tell a good word or you tell a bad word to somebody, you can see that the ripple effect they see like, wow, I just frown somebody and they're at the cashier, you know, and that can ruin her all her day because she can think, Oh my gosh, I'm doing such a bad job. I mean, I didn't even do anything and just lay, just frown and maybe put something wrong in the bag or something because we are human beings. We need other people. So the way we act influences everybody else. So when somebody says, I don't have time for this, I don't have time for taking in this, here's a tip every hour, take one minute and do nothing. Just breathe in, breathe out, Close your eyes. Of course, if it's if it's possible and safe to do that. But then when you give yourself a little break, you honor your own needs. So then you have more energy and you will be less stressed out and burn out. But for those who are now listen in and they said, Oh my gosh, I don't have a minute. Yes, you do. You just need to make it happen. Because it's not only about you, it's about those that you also love and you care about. 

Rich Bennett 37:20
Yeah. And I would like to add something, if you don't mind, to the end of that breathing and closing your eyes smile because you don't have to smile at somebody. But when you smile yourself, it just makes you feel so good. Definitely smile at other people. I mean that you could change somebody's life doing that. Just the publication of your book would actually have you learned about yourself, your readers, and the broader conversation around stress management for adult children of alcoholics. 

Lolita Guarin 37:56
Well, I learned more Then there's more people who struggle with that than I thought because I'm doing a lot of. To participate in events and then book signings and then them and also come to workplaces and teach work management, stress management in the workplace as well. 

Rich Bennett 38:15
Right. 

Lolita Guarin 38:15
And the I am it surprised me every time that after I'm done with some talk, I get contacted by people saying, You know what? I grew up in the family like that and I was afraid to tell anyone because I'm ashamed of it, You know, like somehow the child is responsible for the behaviour of the parents, which it's not. And then the second thing that they learn a lot and it has to do with, I think anyone who wants to show who they are in the showing vulnerability, I realise that nobody is really judging me that much, you know, the way I was thinking, like, Oh, what are you going to say? And they have some personal stories in the book and I'm like, Oh my goodness, what are you going to think of me? And you know what? Everybody's thinking about themselves and it's okay if you made a mistake, you know, or some something that you may feel ashamed of, you know, nobody cares because everybody cares about themselves. So if we just can say, hey, you know, it's not a big deal, at the end of the day, it's not a big deal. 

Rich Bennett 39:12
Something very important. Very, very, very important. Tell everybody where they can get your book and how they can get in touch with you in case they want to have you come as a speaker or or you also offer courses, right? 

Lolita Guarin 39:28
Yes, and also a one on one coaching. So my website is called be Amazing you dot com. That's where all the books and the links are. And my books of course, on Amazon as well. 

Rich Bennett 39:42
And those of you listening when you purchased her book after you read it, make sure you leave a full review, 

whether it be on good reads. Amazon or wherever you leave reviews, because that's just again, it's going to drive the algorithms up. It's going to help her sell more books. And we definitely want her to sell more books because she's going to come on again and talk about her next book without actually when did this book come out? 

Lolita Guarin 40:09
That book came out back in May. 

Rich Bennett 40:11
It may. Okay. So what are you working on now? Are you working on another book? 

Lolita Guarin 40:16
Yes. So I already it's when they start writing, you know, you can stop because the book before then I published it was called Crash Stress While you work. And there was a lot of tips and tricks only specifically for a work environment. It's a also I highly recommend that. But the next book that I'm writing, it's called The Call Method. And yeah, and so this is a system, the method that I came to. I realize how you can help in any stressful situation, and this is all for calm. So see control what you can do in control we can a is appreciate because in every situation there is a silver lining and then accepted the way things are. L is limit things that don't work when you do it. Because if you continue working on something that doesn't work, that's called insanity, right. 

Rich Bennett 41:07
Yeah. 

Lolita Guarin 41:08
Yeah. And then M is for multiplied things that actually help you and work for you. So yeah, that's the call method. And I'm writing a book about that and I will have online courses and a membership. So that is rolling in this year. 

Rich Bennett 41:24
When we did the first book come out. 

Lolita Guarin 41:27
That was seven years ago. The stress by your work. 

Rich Bennett 41:31
So you have four books out now. You're already working on your fifth book. 

Lolita Guarin 41:35
Yes. 

Rich Bennett 41:38
Wow, That's impressive. And now are you self-published or did you go through a publisher? 

Lolita Guarin 41:44
And I do a self-publishing because I like the I like the control of it. 

Rich Bennett 41:52
Well, actually, I'm glad you said that, because I get a lot of authors on and I talk to a lot of new authors. And one of the biggest problems, they one of the biggest hurdles I think any author has is the marketing. So besides podcasts, what's one of the best methods you're doing to market your books? 

Lolita Guarin 42:15
Well, I. 

Rich Bennett 42:15
I say books because I want to emphasize books because for some reason there are some authors that will focus on the most recent book and forget about their older books. And you can't do that, especially with what you do because you're helping people. Those are books to help people. So I'm sorry. Go ahead. 

Lolita Guarin 42:35
So for me it's like a circle, because when they go in and one of them invited to be as a speaker, I talk about my box and also I have people who come after the event and they want to work with me one on one. So that's what they do one on one coaching, or they invite me to go and help with the employees and invite them to teach their teams or participate in the events. But also when I have somebody who is coming from social media, for example, just because they saw my reel about something that really hit home, they come and they want to be taught and, you know, coach the one on one. And then after that coaching you see the value and then they come and invite me to speak to the teams. And so it just kind of goes like a circle. And so a lot of people who come because they buy the book on Amazon and then they find me in the book session or speaking with me, or there are other people who see a real or something and they realize, Oh my gosh, she has a book, kind of like your podcast. Thank you so much for, you know, for giving me this time. Because now when they came on the podcast then now everybody can hear that I have a book. 

Rich Bennett 43:46
Actually. Any plans on you starting a podcast? 

Lolita Guarin 43:52
Oh, boy. I've been. A lot. And so it's just, you know, one of the things that I guess I need to do, but I heard is it works the first 7 minutes. So I said, you know, I can do 7 minutes every day. So what? 

Rich Bennett 44:06
In all honesty, that's fine. There are a lot of podcasts out there where it's only like a two minute podcast. You know, you could do that. We 

for a while we were doing little five minute blurbs on my podcast. We were calling them Rage Talks about addiction. Well, now it's blown up to where we they're no longer 5 minutes. We get people on whether the recovery or we talk about addiction. And a lot of them are now one hour long episodes. But we know we're making a difference because we've had people contact us. And well, plus, it's number one in the addiction category. So I guess I know it's work. 

Lolita Guarin 44:49
Congratulations. 

Rich Bennett 44:51
Thank you. So before I get to my last question, is there anything you would like to add? 

Lolita Guarin 44:59
I would invite everyone to be more kind to themselves and others. Everybody's struggling with something, you know, and it's at the end of a day, it's not really worth many things that we do, is it will make no difference in five years from now. So always when you make any decision about yourself or others, run through the thing, is it really worth it or is really not? If it's not, then let it go. 

Rich Bennett 45:21
Yeah. So I love asking this question. You. Do you even know how many packages you've been a guest on? 

Lolita Guarin 45:30
This year alone, I've been already over 40. 

Rich Bennett 45:35
That's it. No way, man. When you say this year, you mean 20, 24 or. 

Lolita Guarin 45:39
Yes. 2024. 

Rich Bennett 45:42
Okay. For those of you listening, it's April 3rd when we're recording this. So we're not even for much a 4040 podcast. How many were you on last year? 20. 23. 

Lolita Guarin 45:54
Well, I started that kind of late in the year and then October, so we're only about 20 last year. 

Rich Bennett 46:01
So over 60 podcast. 

Lolita Guarin 46:04
Yes. 

Rich Bennett 46:04
And how have book sales been going? 

Lolita Guarin 46:07
I got a lot of. Yes, definitely book sales as well. But the way I look at the book is and I always tell the authors who are just starting out self-publishing on anything. I always look as a big business card. Okay, this is just introduces you because unless you're Oprah is you're not going to make millions. So and I also look at book as a tool that I can help people. And if I go to the event, I sometimes I get them for free because I want to impact somebody else's life. That's my point. You know, it's not the book sales, but I have been invited to talk on the TV shows and is getting speaking engagements because of the book. And the more masses they reach, the better. And that's why I love participating podcasts, because it this is something free for somebody to listen in. And if they get something from the whole conversation that we just had and that's all like, Oh my God, that makes total sense. You know, I am my mission accomplished for today, because if I touch at least one soul, that makes my day. 

Rich Bennett 47:04
Exactly. Yeah. Who knows? Maybe Oprah will call you and say Lolita. I'm starting a show again. I want you to be my first guest. 

Lolita Guarin 47:16
I will say 

Rich Bennett 47:17
I bet 

Lolita Guarin 47:17
yes. 

Rich Bennett 47:17
you with Joe, actually with the speaker, you travel all over the country, right? 

Lolita Guarin 47:21
I do. And also even though I speak on international events, but through Zoom, of course. But 

Rich Bennett 47:26
Okay. 

Lolita Guarin 47:27
yeah, I can say I'm Internet. 

Rich Bennett 47:28
The international ones. 

Lolita Guarin 47:30
Yes, I do. I travel here inside us. 

Rich Bennett 47:33
Okay. Okay. That wasn't my last question. 

Four. You've talked to, like we said, over 60 pi case you've been on and TV, radio, whatever newspapers out of all the people that have interviewed, is there anything that you were never asked that you wish they would have asked you? And if so, what would be the question? What would be your answer? 

Lolita Guarin 48:01
You know, nobody asked me what is my dad thinks about my success and maybe for the better. 

Yeah, because my dad still doesn't care. 

Rich Bennett 48:14
Are you serious? 

Lolita Guarin 48:15
Yes. 

Rich Bennett 48:16
Well, you know what? I 

hopefully that will change because you're making a difference. 

Lolita Guarin 48:24
But you know, that's in the way a good that's another thing that those who are listening in who come from dysfunctional families and they have this thing of my parents never loved me and they don't care. It's okay. And we have to let that go. You know, even if my dad doesn't even care how many books I published, he still doesn't ask me. How was your day today when he sees me? And I came to conclusion that I probably will never get that. And it's okay. It's like asking for a fish to climb a tree. You know, we have to let that go and grieve. Maybe all of the things that will never happen. But we just have to let go with having empathy and understanding. 

Rich Bennett 49:09
I think that right there is a perfect way to end that. That was great. Thank you, Lolita. It's been a true pleasure and an honor to speak with you. And, you know. Any idea when the next book's coming out? Do you have a date set yet? 

Lolita Guarin 49:24
I think we'll be sometimes in summer time, but I don't. 

Rich Bennett 49:28
This summer. 

Lolita Guarin 49:31
Well, I can. I can. You know, when I get on the book writing I a book in a month when I just really sit down and write it down. 

Rich Bennett 49:44
You need to start teaching classes on writing books. 

I've been working on mine for almost a year now. Thank God my mentor hasn't called me to give me a hard time and ask me why he's not finished yet. 

Lolita Guarin 49:58
Helped me a lot that they start using dictate. 

Rich Bennett 50:02
Oh. Oh, 

Lolita Guarin 50:05
So then you just get into it like, 

Rich Bennett 50:07
yeah. 

Lolita Guarin 50:07
imagine you have a conversation. 

Rich Bennett 50:09
I'm on Microsoft Word, right? 

Lolita Guarin 50:11
Yes. Or Google, I think also has a dictate as well. 

Rich Bennett 50:14
Really? No. 

Lolita Guarin 50:15
That seems so much time.