Why Your Kid Doesn't Like You

Have you ever faced the chaos of parenting and felt like you were just winging it? Meet Sean Donahue, the family coach who went from struggling young dad to child psychology sage. His journey reminds us that the path to creating strong familial bonds is paved with patience, understanding, and a little bit of expert advice. He joins us to share his wealth of knowledge about nurturing the relationships that mean the most, advising on everything from emotional regulation to building trust with our little ones.

Our candid conversation peels back the layers of reactionary parenting, shining a light on the importance of maintaining a coaching mindset amidst the whirlwind of raising children. We discuss the delicate balance of teaching and learning within the home, the "school" where life's most crucial skills are imparted. Sean's insights offer a fresh perspective on the challenges we face as parents, reminding us that every interaction with our children has the power to shape their emotional intelligence and resilience.

Join us on this enlightening exploration of parenting practices that promise to not only strengthen your family ties but also craft the future of relationships and identity in our youngest generation.

Sean Donohue is a globally know Family Coach and hosts The SeanDonohue Show Podcast, one of the top 10 parenting podcasts in the world. A viral media sensation with videos and teachings enjoyed by tens of millions, Sean has helped countless parents transform their parenting, build strong, healthy homes...and raise amazing adults.

You can find Sean on
Instagram @the.familycoach
TikTok @The.Family.Coach
www.parentingmodernteens.com 

Want more? Find and follow Bree on
www.bodybybree.com
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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Are you looking for a space where you will learn to improve your mental strength, emotional health and heal your insecurities from the inside out? Take the first step to living a more meaningful life with the Better Me with Body by Brie podcast. I'm your host, brie. I'm a certified personal trainer, entrepreneur and mother of three. I've helped empower thousands of women to take action through fitness, nutrition, meditation, personal development and aligning thoughts with action. This podcast is for those who are ready to feel inspired and motivated to live a more purposeful life. Let's grow together.

Speaker 1: 0:38

Sean Donahue is a globally known family coach, founder of parenting modern teenscom and host the Sean Donahue show podcast. One of the top 10 parenting podcasts in the world. A viral social media sensation with videos and teachings enjoyed by tens of millions, sean has helped countless parents transform their parenting, build strong, healthy homes and raise amazing adults. I can't wait for you to learn from him. If you're like me and you struggle with parenting an angry child, an anxious child, maybe you're just trying to find a stronger connection and relationship with your children, this podcast is for you. Today I have Sean Donahue, the family parenting coach, and he is so full of knowledge. He's going to walk us through how to build better relationships with our children so that they actually want to be with us, that they value our opinion and they respect and love being our children and in our family. So I can't wait for you to learn from him. Let's get started. Hi, sean, welcome to the podcast. How are you?

Speaker 2: 1:49

Great, how's it going? Looking forward to talking with you and being with you. Thanks for having me.

Speaker 1: 1:55

I'm excited, I'm kind of fangirling a little bit, because I followed you for so long and every single Instagram post that you do, I just send to my husband. I'm like here we go.

Speaker 2: 2:06

Thank you. Shout out to your husband, adam Thank you for letting me be a positive voice in your life, and I appreciate that. Yeah, I make these videos for good moms like you, brie. So thank you, thank you, thank you.

Speaker 1: 2:19

Well, tell us a little bit about yourself, because I loved reading that you kind of created this because you were struggling yourself.

Speaker 2: 2:28

Definitely, oh yeah.

Speaker 1: 2:30

Helps me feel better because I'm like okay, he struggled too, so maybe he has a little empathy.

Speaker 2: 2:36

Oh for sure. Yeah, short story for me is, you know, had some pretty challenging relationships with my parents growing up and some shady stuff went down and there was some divorce and hard stuff. So I was just committed Brie. I was like I was. I was want to have a good family one day. I want to be a good dad, I want to be, you know, stay married to my wife. And and then you know, the real world hit and got married young and Daniel and I were just freaking hot mess and it was just hard. And then you throw a freaking baby into the mix and it was like what is going on? Why is this so hard? Why do I suck at all this stuff?

Speaker 2: 3:13

It was like my dreams came true, and then the nightmare just started, because I was just young and dumb and you don't know what you don't know. So yeah, and then more stuff happened after that.

Speaker 1: 3:24

Yeah, so it's comforting to know that you have been in this struggle. Yeah, it hasn't always been easy for you. So then, what prompted you to kind of start this business, this family coaching?

Speaker 2: 3:36

Yeah, a whole bunch of stuff. So my favorite, like elements of this story that happened was um, did you ever go to like any of those sleep away camps when you were like a teenager, a kid like whether like a sports camp or a church camp or like a camp in the wilderness? You know East Coast camps and they have these like college kids who are these like cool counselors? So that's kind of what I was doing Like when I was 20, I was like the cool college counselor and working with kids and teenagers and so I started.

Speaker 2: 4:04

I've had a career working with, you know, children and teenagers for a long time. Now I'm 20 and I started when I was 20 and I'm 45 now. So I was always like learning the arts and crafts of working with children and child psychology and then fast forward. Now I'm a young dad, bree, and, uh, part of my story is this TV show, the super nanny. I don't know I'm, I don't know if you remember this. I know a lot of your listeners are young moms, so you remember that show by any chance on.

Speaker 1: 4:30

ABC, it's a big hit.

Speaker 2: 4:32

They have like nine nanny, nine, 11 now. So mega, mega, mega show. So I was sitting there watching that, just like any normal person would, with you know his wife and his little you know toddler, and was like, wow, this is pretty interesting, like I'm learning a lot from watching this show, and it just like the light bulbs came on for me, like I uh I was already very motivated to like growing as a parent, learning new parenting skills, reading books, but it was like this is like. It was like this calling came over me, like I should do this one day. Like I turned to my wife and I said you know, danielle, I think I'm going to, I think I need to do this, like I'm going to become like a super nanny, like a dude super nanny, a male, a man version, and I'm going to and that's what my, my team and I still do Uh, I mostly just stay in my home office, work with clients, but my team still goes into homes, just like a super nanny does, and help, and so a lot of other stuff had to happen.

Speaker 2: 5:26

I turned around. I had to grow up first. I got to learn. That was a long time ago. So I studied everything I could about child psychology, family dynamics, attachment styles, positive parenting, and one thing led to another, and now I'm on your fancy podcast.

Speaker 1: 5:41

That's amazing. That's a short story.

Speaker 2: 5:43

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 5:45

Thanks for asking, and you have three children of your own, three girls right?

Speaker 2: 5:48

Yeah, 19, 14 and seven. So I know we're going to be talking about seven-year-olds today. I hear yeah.

Speaker 1: 5:53

Yes, so you're. I love that you have teenagers and you also can relate to us young moms that still have the younger kids as well, so we'll be talking about the spectrum, because sometimes there's no difference between a 17 year old and a seven year old, right, there's not much difference right. That is true. Actually, one of the podcasts, one of the Instagram posts that caught my attention first when I found you was why your kids don't like you. That was such a good one, so let's talk about it.

Speaker 2: 6:23

Okay, let's talk about what.

Speaker 1: 6:24

Talk about why your kids why don't our kids like us? Like I remember you were talking about what I loved when you went on your Instagram. You always give examples Like, instead of saying this and you'll say a negative. You could say this instead. So I love how you like instead of using negative fear tactics what do? Parents do instead. So can you give them kind of examples of what you were sure?

Speaker 2: 6:48

yeah, I sure can. So, yeah, here's a couple um things and I I'm I'm really honored that you want to talk about that. You know series of videos, but let me even like, take a little shovel out, let's go a little deeper about why I make these videos and how, just like someone who who's listening to us talk right now can have that same effect. So why would I say something that's so kind of mean and negative Cause I'm like I try to be extremely positive why your kids don't like you? Why say that? Because I'm trying to get your attention, because us parents, we can get so caught up in our own ways and our own egos and our own flows, and one of the cool things about our generation of parents right now, bree like this, is pretty fantastic.

Speaker 2: 7:33

What's happening between me and you and everyone who's listening to this is we have a growth mindset towards parenting and this is very different than how many of us were raised by our parents. We have moms right now and listen to this podcast and men listening to this being like I don't have it all figured out. I want to learn things from Bree. I want to be inspired from her. I don't want to be like my parents. I'm not sitting in this pride or this ego that says it has to be this one way. And so, anyone listening to this, I just want to be like my parents, like I'm not sitting in this pride or this ego that says like it has to be this one way. And so I just anyone listening to this I just want to say give yourself a freaking pat on the back.

Speaker 2: 8:12

I'm like, I'm just honored to be a part of your life, in that you are, like, open to growing as a parent. So that is the long wind way of saying. That's one of the reasons why I make these edgy like hooks, cause I'm just trying to say, hey, like, are you ready to open your mind to something new right now? So that's the first thought. Did I get a little weird there? Does that? Do you? Is that kind of?

Speaker 1: 8:32

helpful. Yes, I love it. That's why we're here, that's why that's why it got my attention, cause I was like sometimes I don't think my kids like me, you know, think my kids like me, you know. So I'm like let's talk about it, let's talk about what we can do better and how we can be more self-aware, yeah, and like another reason why like we actually like.

Speaker 2: 8:52

we do want our kids to like us.

Speaker 2: 8:54

let's just be honest, like that's why we had children in the first place. To like have this incredible, like human experience with a child coming either out of our bodies or putting in someone else's body or adopting it out of a body. It's like to share that closeness, that connection, that mentorship, and so this is like what good parenting is. It doesn't mean you're always people pleasing your kid or your child's best friend. It just means like hey, like attachment theory and being close and connected with your kids is so incredible and it also increases our mentorship, it increases our impact. Like the reason why people are listening to your podcast is because they, like you, breathe, they want to learn from you, and so this is like one of the great you know tools of just thinking about parenting. How do I parent in a way where my kids like me and they like being around me and I'm pleasant to be around? So I think that's important to talk about.

Speaker 1: 9:48

Yeah, that's. My biggest goal in life is to like have my kids want to hang out with me and build that relationship so that when they leave, they want to come back and visit, they want to do Christmas with me and they I'm a safe space for them, and so in order to do that, I do need to work on my self-regulation.

Speaker 2: 10:06

Right, yeah, yeah, and that's like that's where really so much of parenting starts. Is what you just said self-regulation, so, yeah, so one of the reasons why I make those videos is is because I want to put tools in people's toolbox, because sometimes we have our like, our imprints, our reactions. These parenting tools we use and some of them are not healthy Yelling, rescuing, people-pleasing, shaming, manipulation, harsh punishments and these are all parenting tools, and I just like to make these little positive videos to say, hey, there's other tools out there in this situation and when and there's when you use these tools that probably have not only a greater impact but your kids will like you, and that's what we want, cause the more they connect with you and they trust you to manage your emotions and be the adult in the relationship.

Speaker 2: 10:58

well then, you know, good things happen, yeah.

Speaker 1: 11:02

Yes, can you give them an example of the fear tactics that? You that sometimes parents use and then a way that they can switch it.

Speaker 2: 11:13

Oh, that's deep. So okay, we're here, I will. I'll be open up and vulnerable about some fear tactics that I catch myself still doing, because I'm not this perfect parent. The guy you see on these videos or listen to my podcast. That's not always who I am and, if you want to, it's kind of putting you on the spot. Maybe you can follow my lead and see, maybe, how is fear creeping into your parenting sometimes.

Speaker 1: 11:42

Oh, I do it all the time. That's like my go-to. That's why when, I watched it. It hit, you know you're like. Ooh, that hit me yeah.

Speaker 2: 11:49

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 11:50

Like here's for everyone listening. Here's like something you can ask yourself right now, because Brie and I will go first. Like you know, parenting is never really about what it's about. It's not about the wet towel on the ground or the one kid keeps picking on their sibling, or the kid is whining about the food, or they don't want to clean up their freaking dog poop, and one of the things it's about is fear, mostly from our point of view, and so we get afraid, believe it or not, and no one ever really talks about this, but it's there.

Speaker 2: 12:29

When you actually understand how our harsh responses are very often connected to our fears, it can be very helpful to stopping these responses so you can then respond and not react. And so one of the things that I do is actually I do, is is actually rooted in fear too. Is is a tool, is something that I call negative body language. So I will like give my, give my family members like dirty looks, or I'll roll my eyes, or I'll sigh or I'll, or I'll giggle, I'll giggle, and it's a coping mechanism I learned when I was younger and it's not good.

Speaker 2: 13:11

In fact, it's hard to talk about, but one of the reasons why I am talking about it is because about six years ago, I was having a hard time with my then 13-year-old. It's like she was not really listening to me or connecting with me as well as she normally would, and she kept saying to me Bree, you're laughing at me, stop laughing at me, dad. And I'm like I'm not laughing at you and what I was doing is that I was reacting like these things right With my body language, and so I'm like hurting a 13 year old girl who doesn't want to be looked at like that by her dad. You know what I mean. That's not cool yes.

Speaker 2: 13:51

And so then I had to ask myself why am I doing this? Well, I'm doing this because I'm not coping with my emotions in the moment, right there, whatever they are, but also like I'm afraid that if I don't, you know, if I, if I just speak well and if I speak loving, my kids are not going to listen. That's why people yell. We yell because we don't feel heard. So we yell, we're afraid that if we just ask them nicely one time, it's not going to work. And so we yell or we avoid, or people please, or rescue, because we're afraid that stepping into that tension, you know, with our challenging kid, is just going to be so freaking, annoying and hard. It's just easier to rescue or people please, and so, yeah, I can tell you a lot about reactions. I just picked one that you know I do, that I want to. You know that is.

Speaker 1: 14:44

Well, some the one, the ones that I use a lot, that I know that you have addressed before, okay is like um, why are you acting this way? You're ruining the whole day for everybody. You know what's wrong with you. It like, or if if you don't stop doing that, you're grounded from tv. I'm so sick of you doing that.

Speaker 1: 15:02

Quit being annoying like all of the things that I feel. Obviously you don't think you're going to be that kind of parent, but when push comes to shove and you're exhausted and you've been out with the baby all night and they won't stop. You're just like everything in you is just drained and you just kind of snap. And I found myself. We just got back from Hawaii with my kids. It was so fun with my kids.

Speaker 1: 15:31

It was so fun, but in those in-between moments of being in the hotel or on our way to the excursions, and they won't stop fighting and I said I'm like I'm never bringing you on a trip again. I wanted to have fun All you do is fight. You're making this miserable for everyone and I did the negative thing and then I'm like well, that doesn't make anybody want to change. Like nobody is going to want to change when all you do, is you know like put?

Speaker 1: 15:50

them down and so another thing that, um, I really love that you talk about are the three types of parenting, how you have, like reactionary parenting, um, and I can't remember the other ones that, oh reactive, responsive and unresponsive.

Speaker 2: 16:07

Okay, yeah, I did do a video on that recently.

Speaker 1: 16:09

Sure yeah, why do you like that?

Speaker 2: 16:13

I'm choosing you now. It's good. Okay, go for it. We're talking about anything you want. Why do you like that? What does that bring up for you?

Speaker 1: 16:19

Well, because I often find me and my husband are very reactive and it's because we are not regulating our own emotions and it really clicked with me when you said parenting is really about just regulating your own emotions.

Speaker 2: 16:34

So it starts there. It starts there. Yep, it starts there. Yeah, yeah, because, like, the reason why I was kind of doing those smirks or giggling at my daughter is because really what I wanted her to do is I wanted her to stop doing what she was doing. I wanted her to stop talking because it was bothering me. I was feeling uncomfortable. So the reason why we react so much is because we're uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable, we don't like feeling the chaos, the pain, all the whininess, all the stupid stuff. Our kids say that just bothers us. So then we don't want to. The chaos, the pain, all the whininess, all the stupid stuff our kids say that just bothers us. So then we don't want to sit in the pain, so we want to take charge and we want control because we want to feel better.

Speaker 2: 17:19

Yeah, and if you say it that way, is that like so selfish of us? Like we're the adults, I pay for this vacation, kids. I'm never ready. So we're the adults, I pay for this vacation, kids. It is so we're shaming them.

Speaker 1: 17:30

I want to read on the beach Dang it.

Speaker 2: 17:31

Right, we have all these expectations and we, like we punish our kids with our tone or reactions for being kids, right? But and this is where like this is really not full circle, though, because to go full circle with, like, my teachings and my coaching, my membership is this is that parents are teachers in every homes of school. I've actually been writing a book for over four years I'm almost done. It's called Schools Won't Teach this A parent's how-to guide to raise wise, emotionally intelligent adults. Let's look at it from a kid's point of view. They're never going to take a class everywhere on some of the most important lessons in life, like anger management, like how to express yourself without whining, how to get along with a sibling who bothers you, how to stand up for your parents in a respectful way, how to show gratitude to somebody, like all these, how to manage a screen, like a million issues.

Speaker 2: 18:29

So, then, our kids are struggling in all this, and then, when we react to them, we're actually teaching them. We're always teaching, so we're not teaching them anything good, but it's in those moments, though, that we got to remember, like these teaching moments they don't happen in the moment and the craziness of the circus. You know you don't join the circus here. It's like in those other moments of having that mindfulness, slow ourselves down, bree, and to realize like I'm not in control here and that's hearts. It sucks.

Speaker 2: 18:59

I don't like this, but I will get through this and then I do need to address this later on. I need a coach, I need to teach them about this because I'm their teacher, and if you're not thriving in your kid's teacher, well then you're missing out and they're missing out, and that's what I'm going to inspire us all to do. Parenting is not just trying to be calm and cool. That's a part of it. It's really about we're being regulated because they're watching us. We're their mentors, we're their teachers for better or worse, and that's kind of like chilling to say.

Speaker 1: 19:36

No, it is because I noticed my when I get frustrated, I'll just go, I'm done, I'm done and. I'll walk out and my little four-year-old started doing it to me. She got so mad at me. I was like I asked you four times to pick up your shoes and she goes. You know what, mom, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done.

Speaker 2: 20:00

So did you, did you laugh, did you cry?

Speaker 1: 20:02

No, I laughed and I'm like, oh my gosh there's mirrors of everything you do. So you have the reactive parent and then explain what an unresponsive parent is and what a responsive parent is.

Speaker 2: 20:15

So yeah, so yeah. Unresponsive is like a coping skill and it's something that, if you are an unresponsive parent, just want to invite you to get into your DeLorean right now and to go back in time for a little bit, because probably what happened is that sometime in your childhood, in your past, it was so chaotic or weird or just challenging for you. You just decided to shut it down, like I am not, like why would I have that conversation? What's the point? Like you know, your drama is not my drama here. It's like I'm not doing that.

Speaker 2: 20:51

And so unresponsive parents they have a hard time stepping into the stress of parenting, the intimacy of parenting. They have a hard time being a teacher of their own kids. They have a hard time being a teammate with their spouse and they make up these stories in their head to justify their unresponsiveness. So then they can go work or go work out, or they can go eat or just veg out on a Tik TOK, and that's not good. That's not good for anyone involved, and I don't blame them, I'm just saying it as it is right.

Speaker 1: 21:30

Yeah, you just have different parenting styles with your background, how you're raised.

Speaker 2: 21:36

Yeah, and what I'm doing on this podcast is I'm advocating for your kids, everybody. I want to be their megaphone. Our kids thrive best with responsive parents, not with reactive parents or unresponsive parents, and I don't blame you if those are your struggles. I struggle with those myself, but that's like yeah, that's the answer. That's the answer to my question, right, or that's the answer to, like, I guess, what you wanted me to chat about.

Speaker 1: 22:01

Yeah, so give an example then, of a responsive parent. What does that look like? What does responsive parenting look like?

Speaker 2: 22:15

Yeah, and I think the first thing it starts with is is you just responding to your own emotions like I mean, the reason I was a hot mess. You know, I was 25, I was. I wasn't like I would always been this way, but I've learned. Like, if you think of it this way, it's kind of freeing. For most of us, parenting is the most emotional thing that you and I will ever do. It's more even emotional than love and romance for many of us, because there's just so many bonds that tie us. And so, if you look at it this way, like, yeah, like you can do this, like you can have a growth mindset, you can learn how to manage your emotions, so they don't manage you. And one of the things I love to say to my clients even is like, look at, you could even look at areas of your life that you're already thriving with your emotions. So just take some of that and bring it into your home and that could be like even a point of celebration, like I can do this. So that's that's the first thing to talk about responsive.

Speaker 2: 23:10

Another way of even looking at it is like it's like. It's like asking me, sean, if I want to be a first responder. I want to be an ER nurse, I want to be a cop, a fireman. How do I do that? Well, the first thing to do is you've got to get the head game figured out. You got to realize is you've got to get the head game figured out. You got to realize like you cannot be good at your job as first responding unless you can respond to yourself, set emotional boundaries, you know not to take it home, learn how to process the chaos around you, and that that kind of makes sense, doesn't it? I kind of love that metaphor. Two of my best buddies are firemen and it's like that's like you know, that's kind of what. How about you? When you think about, like, responsive parenting, if I may ask you, you know what comes up for you mom.

Speaker 1: 23:54

I I would associate it with being able to hold space for your child's big emotions and connecting on their level. So if my daughter's really upset about something that seems trivial to me in my world, I could easily be like what are you crying about? Quit crying, that's, it doesn't matter. But to her it does matter and it is a big deal. And so instead I could be like hey, explain to me why this is a big deal to you and I can actually walk her through and just get down on her level.

Speaker 1: 24:28

That's like to me that's what response of parenting is Cause sometimes I tend to parent. Um, you should get tired, You're just like every day, all day nonstop or even little things I find like. If, like my daughter, loves to tell me about her dreams and I love her.

Speaker 2: 24:48

Oh my gosh, yes.

Speaker 1: 24:49

They go on for like 15 minutes.

Speaker 2: 24:51

Oh, you're on and on, oh, so I'm like cool babe, Cool okay, but I do notice when.

Speaker 1: 24:58

I'm invested and I'm actually listening and. I'm asking oh, that would be scary. Were you scared? Yeah, Like you know. Oh, wow, that would be fun no-transcript.

Speaker 2: 25:33

Overanalyze what you just said for a second. Okay, okay, so all right, by doing this with your child who wants to tell stories about her dreams. You know it's not about what it's about. It's actually not about these stories at all. Really, what it is is it's about trust and safety, like there's people out there that see you, that care about you, that will sit with you and just be interested in you, even though it may not interest them because they're your person and they're committed to you.

Speaker 2: 26:10

They will. They're not afraid of your stories or your emotions. So then she's going to grow up having this person that's you and hopefully Adam, and she's going to feel safe. And then she's going to hit the teenage years and she's going to think about who are my friends and she's going to be around all these teen boys. Some of them are good boys and they treat her well. Some of them are like real douchey boys, they're real selfish, and she's going to have to figure out who do I want to be around, who do I want to spend time with, who do I want to date or fall in love with? And maybe she meets a boy and the boy minimizes her feelings, doesn't listen, doesn't connect, doesn't treat her well and she's like you know what. I'm not attracted to that, because I know what true love is about and true connection, and know what it means to really have a person, and that's just going to change your life, what you're doing, listening to those stories.

Speaker 1: 27:05

I hope that was just my attempt at trying to cheer you on there. Well, I do notice. Even the other day I was like how was your day today? And she's like it was fine, it was good, but it was chaotic, there was a lot of. I have four kids, so you know the house is crazy. And so she just says it was good, I'm all just good. Like, like, did anything make you laugh today? I'm trying to connect with her and she's just shut down.

Speaker 1: 27:24

She's like I don't know, mom is a long day and but if I go in her room at night, I've been really trying to go just tickle her back and just lay with her and all of a sudden she opens up and she'll tell me all of these, the struggles she's having with their friends, what someone said to her that made her feel bad, her insecurities, and she just cause we're, we're just, you know, alone one-on-one anyway. So my other, my other son, jameson, is um a doozy sometimes.

Speaker 2: 27:55

It's a great word. Yeah, that's a nice way of like talking about your kids. You're not supposed to call your kids names or label them, so that's what we do now. It's a doozy, a real do's Tell me about the dooziness, what's going?

Speaker 1: 28:10

on. Well, he just struggled Like he has ADHD and he we did neurofeedback, which actually helped a ton, but he just has anger, Like he's an angry kid at times Deep feeler.

Speaker 2: 28:26

He's a deep feeler, feels he's very deep.

Speaker 1: 28:29

Very emotional so like it's actually a superpower too. He's the most sensitive child. He's very in tune with me and my feelings he's cuddly, he's loving, but he's also very angry because he has these big emotions.

Speaker 2: 28:41

Yep, okay.

Speaker 1: 28:43

So one of the things I love that you shared was how to deal with an angry child. And you're talking about labels and every single negative label that you gave an example of, I have done.

Speaker 2: 28:53

Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, okay. Why are?

Speaker 1: 28:55

you so angry, like you need to. You need therapy. You need anger management. What is the deal? And all the negative things?

Speaker 2: 29:04

Yeah, yeah, because it's tough. Yeah, it's like hey, yeah, because it's bringing out that emotion in you. It's like and sometimes you don't handle it well. Yeah, thanks for being real with us. Yeah, you're not alone with that. Please continue.

Speaker 1: 29:15

Yeah Well, it's just hard to like keep your cool when they're escalating so quickly and they're yelling in your face. It's hard not to yeah.

Speaker 2: 29:30

Yes, yeah, so you're. Can you explain speaking identity into your kids and not using labels? I love that topic. I love that topic because here's what I want you to think about a couple of things, and let's just make it like a little dialogue. Okay, think about um. Do you um think everyone think of in your childhood was who was an adult that really spoke into your life? Maybe it was a parent, maybe it was a mentor, youth leader, camp counselor, your aunt, your grandparent, or maybe it was a teacher, maybe it was one of those cool teachers that all the kids loved. What do these people all have in common? Well, they have a lot in common, but one of the things that they had in common is like they believed in you. It's like they saw something in you, and maybe they used their words and they're very articulate, or maybe they just kind of showed their love through their actions.

Speaker 2: 30:21

Partly why parenting is so hard is because our words are so powerful. Everybody, our words carry, and we've got to be really wise with our words, because our words can be just, can cause so much destruction and pain being yelled at by a parent, being abused, being labeled, being name called, by being psychoanalyzed, and we all know this. Some of us know this very well because we were raised in this type of environment. You know where we just did not feel safe around a parent or their actions or maybe their lack of boundaries. Remember, they just spilled too much. It was too much.

Speaker 2: 31:01

So what I have found is that we want to speak identity into our kids. So when you have a child who's dealing with anger, for example, instead of letting all this reactionary stuff comes out of your mouth which is on the tip of your tongue, which is all kind of based on your fears and your ego, to try to shame that child, to control that child, to try to force them using negativity to change, what I have found is that you speak into their identity and you say things like this you know what? You have a lot of self-control, I know you. I look at how you play your video game. A lot of self-control, I know you. I look at how you play your video game. You are really self-controlled. I noticed you on the soccer field last week when that one thing happened. You managed that so well. You have a lot of self-control and I believe you, and it's my job to kind of coach you through that. So by speaking into who they are, even in and especially in the areas that they most struggle with, it really not only builds that connection, you're actually speaking truth over them and into them.

Speaker 2: 32:08

Think of it this way If you really believed that you were just a selfish, no good teenager, you were just a rat teenage dude, you're 17. No one gives an F about you. Your parents don't care about you. You're a loser. You got no future. You've really believed that Makes you wonder why would you believe that? Who told you that? And if you really believe that about yourself, well then you're going to act it out. You with me, don't you agree?

Speaker 1: 32:39

Yeah, identity is everything.

Speaker 2: 32:41

Yeah, you're going to live out how you self-talk yourself, how you view yourself. So it can be very negative to give our kids negative labels or even untruthful labels. But one of the ways I want to answer your question is, yeah, speak goodness and truth into our kids' lives and use your words very wisely and very powerfully. So, even when you say to your kid, hey, you know, I want you to know, I will always have your back. Even if issues come up with friends teachers, even if issues come up with friends teachers, I will always back you. Now, behind closed doors, I might challenge you or might disagree, but I want you to know you can trust me, I'm your person.

Speaker 1: 33:26

We're a team.

Speaker 2: 33:28

That's identity, right there, like wow, I didn't know. I thought I was alone in this world. I'm not alone, I have someone with me. I didn't know that.

Speaker 1: 33:34

Thank you for telling me that, mom Right.

Speaker 2: 33:36

So there's like so many different ways. We can just use our words to help them see what's really going on. And what's really going on is this is that they're not alone. They have someone who loves them, who wants to coach them through, and we are patient coaches and teachers, because some of our kids are slow learners. That's another thing. Hey, your son, right now he needs extra support with his emotional regulation. And you've got he's got two loving parents named Bree and Adam who are willing to step up at the plate. Because if your son was 14 and he's struggling with math, what would make sense? If you have the resources, you go get him a math tutor. And that's kind of how we do with our kids. Our kids need us and more of us in certain areas, and that's cool, that's like a good thing, that's like a gift, that's a blessing. We're giving them the gift of a connected, wise, mentoring parent, and that's what I'm trying to encourage us all to do.

Speaker 1: 34:28

Well, I will say I put it to the test, sean, yeah, Tell me, tell me the other me. And I was like you know what? Sean's right, I'm going to speak identity. When he's in these spirals, he will have like a rage spiral and so I'm like, okay, I am not going to let this affect me and I'm going to show up as the stable emotional parent.

Speaker 2: 34:52

And.

Speaker 1: 34:52

I told Adam I'm like I'm, I am prepared for it, okay, so when it happens, brie, be prepared. So it happened. And instead of getting mad at him or saying, go to your room and when you're calm, you can come back, cause sometimes I'll be like you can't be down here If you're going to be screaming at everyone, like you know, cause I'm like no one wants to hear you screaming.

Speaker 2: 35:14

Yeah, that's a natural consequence If you're going to rage and scream.

Speaker 1: 35:17

Yeah, yeah, yep. So but this time I said, hey, I can tell you're struggling to regulate right now. I'm just going to sit with you and I'm just going to tickle your back. And I was like I like you don't have to say anything, I can see you're really angry. And I was like let me just sit with you. And I just sat with them and I said this isn't really about like he makes up stupid things to be mad about, but I think it's just because he had a hard day and so he doesn't know how to regulate. Yeah, I'm like I know this isn't really about. You know the blue plate. You probably had a hard day. Can I just sit with you and cuddle you? And he just melted and he was like mom, I did have a hard day.

Speaker 1: 35:58

This and this and this happened and he's like, and I'm like it's okay, just. And I spoke identity into him and I said Jameson, you are so good at regulating your emotions and, especially in these moments, you're really good at at breathing through it and and I just walked him through like what I wanted him to do. But I said you're really good at at breathing through it and and I just walked him through like what I wanted him to do. But I said you're really good at this, and he literally stopped in his tracks and he's like, he started calming himself down and he just cuddled me and it was a really cool moment and I was like oh my gosh.

Speaker 1: 36:30

I did it.

Speaker 2: 36:31

What a great story.

Speaker 1: 36:33

Yeah, so all of that was just from your pod or your Instagram post, because it really I took your words and I applied it and it really really helped and so most of the time, if I can just remember to self-regulate myself, they will follow suit. It all stems from me, Like.

Speaker 2: 36:53

I feel, like I'm.

Speaker 1: 36:54

I'm the one that's that gives that um, sets the tone for our family, because I'm the mom and I'm home all the time. And if I'm being calm with Jameson, the coolest part is actually my four-year-old came over and gave him a hug and said Jameson, I love you.

Speaker 2: 37:11

I'm glad you're feeling better because I'm setting an example of how to act in those parents or teachers and you just taught you just taught their other family members what to do when someone is deregulated and how to show up for somebody, how to comfort somebody. You just taught your kids that you gave them a something way better than a tech talk or some stupid you know lesson you can watch on YouTube. Wow, that's a cool story, really cool story. Here's a. Can I ask you a totally related but unrelated, very personal question, and you can pass if you want, I do. I just I enjoy podcasts. I have my own.

Speaker 2: 37:48

When I'm on a people guest sometimes I like to just kind of ask these really weird questions and if you need a second to think about it, well then just say, sean, you go first and I'll go first. Okay, let's go back in time to a young Bree and you can imagine yourself as seven or 10 or 17. All right, two part question Did you have an adult in your life that really spoke identity into you and it really, really connected with you? It actually changed your life in a really good way or a negative way. Or you can answer this question or pass. Right, this is your show. No, no.

Speaker 1: 38:30

I love it. I'm an open butt.

Speaker 2: 38:31

If you could go back in time, what do you wish a loving adult or a parental-like figure had spoken identity to you about? And if they did, you think it might have really changed your life for the better, and no one ever could have really spoke that into you. And, like I said, I'm putting you on the spot and I can go first if you want, or you can just go. What are your thoughts?

Speaker 1: 38:56

No, I can go first if you want, but or you can just go. What are your thoughts? No, I'll go. I actually had my parents were actually really good at this Like I think my confidence is so high because of my mom, and my mom always, from day one, was like you can accomplish anything you put your mind to, You're a hard worker, you are amazing, Like so I, I believed her.

Speaker 1: 39:19

Like I've always had high self-confidence. I've always had high self-worth, and it was because of her and she. She was very good at that. The one thing that I'm learning cause I'm exactly like her is that she was a multitasker, and so sometimes I felt like she was too busy to listen, because, I mean, she had six kids.

Speaker 1: 39:42

Okay so it was just always on the go and always multitasking, and that's what I'm doing, cause I, I work, I have four kids, I'm like trying to be efficient with my time, and one thing that my dad was really good at that.

Speaker 1: 39:54

I'm like trying to be efficient with my time and one thing that my dad was really good at that I'm trying to hone in on is he was never rushed Like he would sit and tuck us in bed for 30 minutes. He was never in a hurry and he was always like at night before bed he'd sit and eat cereal and he'd chat with us.

Speaker 2: 40:13

Presence he was just present. Yeah, he was present, he was very present, he, he was present?

Speaker 1: 40:16

He was very present. He had this very calming energy, and so that's what I'm like trying to take on is that calming energy? But my mom was definitely the one that spoke identity and was like you can do anything. So I was lucky to have definitely lucky to have that growing up.

Speaker 2: 40:34

That kind of really made me think about myself when you said that about your dad, because, believe it or not, I don't really. I'm not like a super talkative person Like the person you see on my camera, like, if you saw me at a party, like I'm probably just chilling with you know a buddy or my wife. I'm not trying to be like the life of the party and I'm like go around pep, talking, my kids you know, or speaking identity every day, like I'm some like leave it to beaver dad. But really what I really focus on is that word. I just really hope my kids when they get older they they say you know what? My dad was just present. They say you know what my dad was just present and he wasn't perfect but present.

Speaker 2: 41:20

So I'm really glad you shared that, because it kind of got me thinking about myself and that was that was nice.

Speaker 1: 41:30

Thank you for sharing that yeah. And sometimes when I'm tucking in bed. I'll be in a hurry but, then I remember my dad and how I felt that he was never in a hurry dad, and how I felt that he was never in a hurry, and I remember that was that's the feeling from my childhood that I remember is that he was always present.

Speaker 2: 41:43

And so.

Speaker 1: 41:44

I try really hard to like not hurry through those moments, because they pick it up and they'll remember it.

Speaker 2: 41:49

Yeah, so nice, so nice.

Speaker 1: 41:51

Yeah Well, I am so grateful for you coming on this podcast. You are um just have so many golden nuggets. You're such a great teacher You're sharing so many wise things. So, how can my yeah, how can my followers follow you or hire you and your team to help them, tell, tell my followers where they can find you.

Speaker 2: 42:12

So, yeah, you can find me on social media as the family coach or, like you know, on Facebook it's Parenting with Sean. So that's been a wonderful journey just supporting and helping so many parents. I've got a podcast. It's called the Sean Donahue Show. It's normally in the top 10 in the world of all parenting podcasts. I think on the charts right now we're at 11. And so that's just been a big part of my life just exploring podcasting and storytelling and teaching and inspiring people through that, and then, if you'd like to explore more free goodies and awesome stuff, you can join my. You check me out on my website, which is parentingmodernteenscom, and you can learn about what that's like working with me on either one-on-one basis or my my membership, which just comes with a ton of FaceTime with me and so breathe. You just sound like a really great mom and a lovely woman and you're just doing some great things for your coaching and your podcasts, and so thanks so much for having me here today.

Speaker 1: 43:08

Of course. And your Instagram? Did you say your Instagram? Yeah, the family coach, yeah, the family coach.

Speaker 2: 43:13

On TikTok, instagram, all those other platforms, you can see some of those videos that we chatted about, yeah, and hopefully we'll have a little video of me and you. We can promote that through our pages to kind of share this podcast with everybody. So thanks for listening.

Speaker 1: 43:27

Yeah, I would love that. Thank you so much for being on. I'll talk to you later, Sean.

Speaker 2: 43:31

All right Thanks.

Speaker 1: 43:33

Brie, thank you for joining us in today's episode. If you liked the content and want to hear more, remember to hit that subscribe button and write a review. As a small business owner, I appreciate it more than you know. If you are looking for a program to help with self-confidence to lose weight, get in shape and work on your mental, physical and emotional health, check out my training programs on wwwbodybybreecom. My team and I help to hold you accountable through the Body by Bree app, where you log in to see all your workouts, custom meal plan made specifically for you and your needs, and communication through the messenger. You are never alone when you're on the Body by Bree training program. Click the link in the show notes to get more information on how to transform your life from the inside out.