Better Me with BodyByBree
Better Me with BodyByBree
Codependency: A Journey Through Healing with Corrine Stokoe
Have you ever felt like your happiness is handcuffed to the emotional rollercoaster of someone you love? This poignant question lies at the heart of our latest podcast episode, where my friend Corinne Stokoe opens up about her intimate struggles with codependency in the shadow of her husband's addiction. Together, we tackle the complex dance of emotions, expectations, and the hard-won realization that our joy shouldn't be anchored to another's actions.
After studying codependency in-depth for the past 13 years, attending outpatient rehab for codependency, worked the 12-steps for codependency and sponsored people for many years in their codependency journey, Corrine created an online bootcamp that would quickly teach someone the basics of breaking free from codependency. She calls this the Becoming Codafree Bootcamp and also teaches seminars topics like on self love, sustainable self confidence and codafree motherhood.
Find more information about CodaFree at codafree.org and use code BREE10 to save 10% on CodaFree Coaching.
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Are you looking for a space where you will learn to improve your mental strength, emotional health and heal your insecurities from the inside out? Take the first step to living a more meaningful life with the Better Me with Body by Brie podcast. I'm your host, brie. I'm a certified personal trainer, entrepreneur and mother of three. I've helped empower thousands of women to take action through fitness, nutrition, meditation, personal development and aligning thoughts with action. This podcast is for those who are ready to feel inspired and motivated to live a more purposeful life. Let's grow together.
Speaker 1:If you feel like your happiness is dependent on someone you love, like a spouse or a family member, or maybe you need validation for all of your decisions, or you're sick of being on the roller coaster of emotions living with an addict, you may be struggling with codependency or have codependent tendencies. When you learn that you are not responsible for other people's emotions and it's not your responsibility to solve everyone's problems, you become free. In this podcast, corinne Stokoe will teach you what codependency is, how to heal and navigate from codependency, and three actionable steps that you can start today to free yourself from depending on others for your happiness. Let's grow together. Hi, corinne, welcome to the podcast, thank you so much.
Speaker 2:Thank you for your happiness. Let's grow together. Hi Corinne, Welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1:Thank you for joining me. This is fun because me and Corinne have become really good friends and I love that we can share on each other's platforms all of the knowledge that we have, so I'm excited. Thank you for joining me.
Speaker 2:Thanks for having me. Yeah, and I feel so aligned with all of the mind, body, things that you teach, that are, you know, very parallel to my beliefs too. So this is going to be awesome.
Speaker 1:Well, here's the thing about Corinne that I'm going to tell you all. She's cool online. She's cooler in person. Like everything that you preach, you live and I've seen that firsthand. You are an incredible friend. You are incredibly wise. I've you know, I've heard your testimony firsthand and just seeing you as a person and you are just, you are so impressive to me and I'm just very grateful to have such a genuine person like you in my life, because I feel like you can share so much of your wisdom with so many people, which you do on your platform. So I'm like let's bring you onto my platform and share all of your wisdom with my people. So, thank you.
Speaker 2:I'm excited. That was very generous and kind. I'll pay you later.
Speaker 1:I'll pay you later. Okay, corinne, let's chat. So you have started a part of your business called Becoming Coda Free, right, did I say that? Right, you did Okay. And what I love about it is you're teaching women how to become free from codependency with their spouse, with their loved ones, with their relationships. So let's dive deeper into that and kind of tell us your journey, explain your story and how you started, because it is incredible.
Speaker 2:Okay, so I am a wife and a mother to five and I'm a blogger and a podcaster and all of those things, but what everyone didn't know about me until six years ago because I've been online on Instagram and on my blog for about 11 years now six years ago, my husband and I shared our story that he is a recovering pornography addict, and when we decided to share our stories it was after we had both completed the 12 steps and I did the 12 steps for codependency, and most people don't even realize that they have codependency in their life. They don't, and most of us have at least codependent tendencies, even if you're not like a raging codependent, but for me I definitely was. I got to the point where my husband's addiction was controlling my life so much and I was trying to control his recovery, his program, his addiction, and it got to the point where the last big relapse he had. I was so devastated and also felt like a crazy person.
Speaker 2:I was like I never know if he's lying or if he's being honest and up from down or left or right, what is even real anymore? I just was so tired of feeling like I was living this life that was on a fast track to nowhere. And so I called my friend who had told us about the 12 steps and 12 step meetings and I had been going with Neil to fix him. We were going because he was the problem and we were going to fix him and I called her just devastated. Like you know, I'd been sobbing for two days on and off and had literally felt like I don't want to live, like if it weren't for my kids I had two kids at the time I was like I wouldn't even want to live. Right now I'm so miserable and so sick of this existence and I know that sounds really extreme, but that was how low I felt.
Speaker 1:It doesn't sound extreme. You're probably so heartbroken.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I felt crazy. I felt like I feel like a crazy person. I can't even get a hold of my life. So I called my friend Mandy and I just was venting to her and telling her what was going on and she listened and then she said well, corinne, are you telling me because you just need someone to listen or are you telling me because you want to do something about it? And I was like I will do anything. Anything you tell me to do, I'll do it. And she was like, okay, you got to do the steps. So that's what I did.
Speaker 2:And I dove into those 12 steps and I did it like my life depended on it, because it did. And I was like I want full credit for these steps, like I'm going to do them fully, through and through. And so I did. And it took me about a year and it changed my life and it helped me to learn how to be happy, no matter what my husband chose. It allowed me to let go of all of the chaos he was bringing into our life and just choose a different path. And I think that Hollywood you know people love to say that like Hollywood is selling all of us like sex and drugs. I think Hollywood is selling all of us codependency, like when you go back through all of the top pop music that has been, like you know, all the number one hits since, like they started recording them on the billboard charts Most of them are you complete me. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.
Speaker 2:It is almost every movie you know it's all about like you find that person and they come in and everything is roses and then you are complete as a person.
Speaker 2:That is interesting and it's such a good lie, because everyone wants to believe it that someone's going to come in and save you, and it's. It's just. And anyone who's been married for you know, or in a serious relationship for a long time knows that once life starts to get real and you're past that honeymoon phase, you carry around same crap that you brought into the relationship, and so do they, and it probably gets more real the longer you've been together. And nobody comes in and just makes your life suddenly free of any challenges or just cleans up all your messes, so it just is easy every day. That doesn't exist, and if it does, the other person is probably miserable trying to take care of all of your chaos. They're probably codependent. So it just is something that I've worked on for a really long time.
Speaker 2:And then last year, this is how this happened. This is how Coda Free happened. I was doing some Instagram stories one day and I said something just casually about and yeah, that's one of the best things I learned in my recovery is that you can change your mind. It's okay to change your mind and someone replied to that and said you said recovery so casually. What did you mean by that? What do you mean recovery? And I said oh, I'm sorry, Most people know that I did the 12 steps for codependency. I'm a recovering codependent.
Speaker 2:And so then came questions from other people Well, what is codependency? And so I thought we need to do a series on this and it just so happened. I don't believe in coincidence with stuff like this. I really think that God dropped this into my lap on May 1st. It happened to be the first day of the month and I was like, let's do a series in May and let's do every day in the month of May. I'll teach about codependency. So I did a real every day, or a post or whatever, all through May. I kind of fizzled out at the very end because kids and life and you know how May is worse than December with kids in the end of school year.
Speaker 1:It's horrible.
Speaker 2:It's horrible, so I fizzled a little at the very end, but almost every day in May I taught about codependency and about halfway through the month I thought there's such a demand for this. My DMs are full of people who have more questions and they want me to teach them more and they just really want to dig into this. So I created a curriculum called Becoming Coda Free and taught that, and it's just been so awesome for me to be able to give those tools and those true principles. It's not me, it's the true principles that I was taught from other people. Being able to teach that to others is probably the most fulfilling thing I've ever done in my career is probably the most fulfilling thing I've ever done in my career.
Speaker 1:Well, you're helping so many women because, number one, a lot of women are in your position right now or where you were, where they have an addict husband and it completely rules their life and they don't have anyone to talk to, they have no idea how to manage it and they are on that roller coaster. And so the fact that you can personally help them, because you've been through it, is just such a blessing, I think, to so many people with your unique experience.
Speaker 2:Oh, thank you. Well, some of the other ways it can manifest too. It doesn't have to be a spouse, it can be an adult child. We had a lot of women that joined the Becoming Code Free Bootcamp that had adult children with addictions and they're like I want to love them but I feel like I'm just enabling them or I feel like I just don't know what to do because nothing's helping.
Speaker 2:A lot of people who finally want to work on codependencies because they've tried everything they can to fix the addict in their life and then they finally realize like I'm going crazy and all I can do is actually just work on myself.
Speaker 2:So that's where I can help people when they're ready to just start working on themselves because they realize they can't control the other person. But another way it can manifest too is if you grew up with an addict parent, then you probably incorporated a lot of codependent tendencies into your lifestyle, into the way you think, into your you know you talk a lot about like thought patterns and beliefs and all of those things, and so undoing those can take a lot of work. Even if you don't currently live in the same house as an addict, maybe you grew up with ones where you learned a lot of codependent things and you want to let go of those. So those are some of the ways that I feel like people are really deep in codependency. But I feel like even my friends who I don't think they're super codependent, but maybe they have a hard time making a decision.
Speaker 2:They need other people to approve their decisions Like oh, I have analysis, know it takes me six months to pick a rug or whatever. It's like. That kind of like needing everyone else to validate your choices is totally codependency.
Speaker 1:So what exactly is codependency? And even if someone doesn't have an addict relationship, how can it help them in their life? So let's break it down.
Speaker 2:Okay, so my definition of codependency is when you've put your happiness in someone else's hands, so that can look like I'm only happy if all the other moms in the neighborhood think I'm a good mom.
Speaker 2:Then you're totally codependent on your community to tell you that you're good enough right? Or maybe I'm only a worthwhile woman if my husband approves of me and is showing me enough love and is giving me that confidence. It's not true confidence, but maybe you're codependent in that way. But either way, it's someone else holds the key to your happiness. You are waiting on someone else to tell you that you're okay, and with an addict it's. You're waiting for them to get better so you can get better, and it's all in someone else's hands. So that's my definition of codependency.
Speaker 1:Well, if that's your definition, then I'm definitely a codependent. So I need you, corinne, because I'm like I do things like that all the time, like where you just you think other people and I wouldn't think, I would not think that I would be a codependent, but I know I have codependent tendencies just from that definition, because that happens all the time yeah.
Speaker 2:I catch myself doing it too. Yeah, yeah for sure.
Speaker 2:Or I want my mom or my parents or whatever to approve of me. And then I realized, like wait a minute. So the inverse of that is connecting with your higher power, deciding who that is. It can be the universe, it can be God. For me it is my heavenly father and Jesus Christ. Like you, pick your higher power and none of this works unless you can commit to a higher power. That can even be karma, that can even be like. I believe that what goes around comes around, and if you do good things, you put good things out in the universe, they come back to you and there are good things meant for you. Whatever it is, it's your higher power or your higher self, and that maybe in that case. But your higher power has the control of your happiness. So you look at God and you say, if God thinks I'm okay, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
Speaker 2:And even if my addict husband is completely out of control. If I can get myself synced up with God, then I can be okay, even if he's not choosing great things, Like I don't have to wait for someone else to get on board to be happy and to have peace in my life.
Speaker 1:That's so good you could even apply it to narcissism. When people are married to a narcissist or have a narcissist parent, narcissist brother or whatever it's like they can come in. I have a relationship in my life like that, where they can come in and just destroy your entire life within like a day and you're like, oh, what just happened? And you give so much power away.
Speaker 2:Yes, that feeling that you don't get to control it and you're like the. You know, the tornado just came into my life. That's definitely how most people who are in a relationship with an addict feel too, where they're like the tornado came and it destroyed everything and I had no power over that. True, you have no power over other people and their choices, but there is a better way to live than waiting on other people to get better, or waiting for them to notice you, or waiting for them to suddenly become aware that there's more than one person in the universe, or whatever. Like you, don't have to wait on any of those things.
Speaker 2:And it doesn't mean that you're going to control them somehow eventually. But it does mean that you can take your power back. You can take your peace and your happiness back.
Speaker 1:Well, one of the posts that you said that I loved was you said that the happiness shortcut was radical acceptance of people and things exactly as they are.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:I was like, oh, that's good, because I feel like I always say my thing, that I say that my mom would say to us all the time is all, frustration is unmet expectation. So if you have this expectation that the addict husband or the narcissist person in your life or whatever, is going to change and they don't, You're forever frustrated. Yeah, and you're giving your happiness away. That was deep, that was good. Do you have an example where that has happened to you and maybe how you worked your way through it?
Speaker 2:Yes, radical acceptance. I am trying to practice that all the time in my life and I'm not always great at it, and there are times when I'm better at it. There are situations where I kind of grow into it or I really have to like workshop with God and get on my knees every day and be like, okay, I'm still struggling with this one. I'm going to try again today to surrender it. I'm giving it to you. I can't do it myself. But here's an example my husband. Let's say that he has actually been sober from his addiction for six years.
Speaker 1:But let's just pretend.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it is, and it's awesome. He gets to help a lot of people too and he gets so much fulfillment and joy from that. But let's just pretend that right now he was not in a good space. Okay, let's say that he started looking at stuff again on his phone, and so I can either become frustrated, angry, sad, depressed, victimhood, like all of these negative emotions, live in those and hope that he will see just how sad I am and then he'll want to change. I wasted so many years in that space.
Speaker 2:Or I can look at that person and say I accept you exactly as you are Now. You don't have to accept your circumstances If you want to change your circumstances. You're not a tree. You can move, you can change, and for some people that's right. And, um, you know, I actually have been married twice, and the first, my first marriage.
Speaker 2:It was right for me to end that marriage, and so I'm not saying that radical acceptance means that we enable people and that you say like, oh, everything's fine, you can still have boundaries.
Speaker 2:That's a huge part of becoming Coda free. You can have boundaries, you can make decisions for yourself, but the sooner you can accept people or things or circumstances exactly as they are, you're fast-tracked to happiness for sure, because all the people in your life come with flaws, including yourself, and so when you accept people exactly as they are, then it's on them to change, then it's not your responsibility. It's like the most freeing thing in the world to realize oh, I don't have to drag them along, I don't have to get them to see the light, that's actually all on them. Even children, even like yes, it's my responsibility to teach my kids good things, but once I've taught them and sure they need reminding, depending on, like, how old they are or whatever, but at some point, like my kid definitely knows how to bring her science book home and do her homework, and if she chooses not to, that's on her. You know, and it's. It is freeing to know that you don't have to be responsible for everyone else's behavior.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's amazing. That was actually one of the things I wrote down that you said that I really it really stuck with me. It was when you said you are not responsible for other people's emotions and you're not responsible to fix everyone else's problems around you and it's okay for other people to be uncomfortable. Yeah, that was good. That was such a good one.
Speaker 2:I was like, yes, you're okay that they're mad that you're no longer rescuing them, or you're okay that you know, because you're not rescuing them, that they may fail and you have to actually let people fail, and that's oftentimes the greatest gift you'll ever give them. In fact, for me, with my husband, what's so interesting is he will tell you. If you were to interview him about his story, he will say that the turning point for him was when I went to him and I said, neil, I just want you to know I'm going to be okay, like whatever you choose. If you choose to get better, awesome. If you don't, that's fine too, cause I'm just going to work on me now. So, whatever you choose, it's all you.
Speaker 2:And he knew that I wasn't saying it out of spite, I wasn't saying it to try to manipulate him. He knew that I just had genuinely detached and let it go. And when he saw me just working on myself, then he had to sit with it. Then there wasn't an angry wife to blame it on anymore, there wasn't anyone entangled and intertwined in all of his crap, it was just all him. And a lot of times, for people who are living in chaos, once someone leaves them alone. Then they just have the mess to look at all on their own and they're like oh wait, it is all me, you know. So sometimes that's the best gift you can give someone is just to let them figure it out themselves.
Speaker 1:Which is so. I have so many thoughts Like you can apply this to so many areas. Like you said, with kids when they do something that you don't. I'm applying this even sometimes in the gospel, where we put so much pressure as parents, like if they leave the church, we're responsible for their salvation, and this would totally apply to that. Where it's like you teach the correct principles or or whatever your family values are, your kids are going to live the life that they're going to live. You have to be, um, you have to be free of that expectation that you're responsible for their salvation, right, or even I was thinking, even when a client might be codependent on everyone else's view of their body, like they need acceptance that everyone else thinks that they are fit, love themselves as they are, instead of needing that validation from everyone else. I'm like this is so good to anyone.
Speaker 2:So if you're listening to this and you're like, oh, I need this today, but I can't afford anything, you can go to a free 12 step meeting anywhere in the world. You can Google um. Al-anon is a great place to go For me. We went to our churches, ARP, addiction recovery program, um 12 steps meetings and those are all of these are free. You can go, but it will take longer. And so what I try to offer is some solution for people who are like I can't afford a babysitter. It's really hard for me to get out, or maybe I don't want to see people in my community, or I want it to. I want to figure this stuff out faster. So it's it's supplemental to the 12 steps, it's not a replacement. It's not exactly the same. So I wanted to figure this stuff out faster. So it's supplemental to the 12 steps, it's not a replacement, it's not exactly the same. So I wanted to make that differentiation, because I never want people to feel like I hold the keys to unlocking their happiness, or anything.
Speaker 2:Because, honestly, I found this all through going to free 12-step meetings, so that is available to literally anyone. But I also want to go back to what you said about salvation, because one of the most helpful things that was ever said to me was when I went to meet with a bishop which is like our ecclesiastical leader in our congregation, and I sat down with him and I was like I just feel like nothing's working, nothing's getting better. I feel like a crazy person, I'm miserable. And he just looked at me and he said, corinne, it is not your job to drag your husband's butt to the finish line. It is not your job to save him. It is Jesus's job to save him. That is why he is called the Savior, not you.
Speaker 2:And salvation is individual. Yes, in our church we teach that exaltation is a family thing, that you know like we'll all be exalted together as families and that's a huge core belief of ours that families are forever Awesome. But salvation nobody's going to go to their final judgment day with their husband and stand there and be like oh wait, jesus. Let me explain this to you. This is what happened. No, salvation is individual. And when I realized, oh, it's not my job to save him. It was so freeing for me. And then I realized it's just me. It's just me and the Savior, it's just me and God or your higher power that is. The only person that you have to worry about is yourself and your higher power.
Speaker 1:What a weight lifted off of your shoulders and anyone's shoulders that has that.
Speaker 1:I feel like I kind of had that lesson with someone in my life that is a narcissist and very close to me, and I had to set a boundary because it was really affecting my life and I was like you know what? I love this person, but I can't live like this anymore, like I can't keep having this tornado come in over and over. And so I had to set a boundary and I feel like this inside part of me was like oh, I don't know if you should have done that, cause what if they get mad at you? And and what if they don't think you love them? And what if you should just try again? Just keep trying, just keep trying. Because I had this guilt inside of me that was like you can't let this relationship go because they're important to you. And I, I don't know. I feel like, as you're talking, I'm feeling better about my decision. It's okay to set those boundaries and you can say I love you, but I'm not going to allow this anymore.
Speaker 2:And so now I'm noticing all of these thought patterns that I had, or maybe still have, of this guilt and it's maybe this codependency that I have deep down inside inside, yeah, and I think for people who want so badly to be kind, like I know you're that way, I'm that way, you want to be good, you want to be kind, you want to act right, you can kind of convolute that sometimes with well, then that means being permissive or being too much of a people pleaser, or worrying about you know, about saving people from the discomfort or whatever, and really like if, okay. So if you are a Jesus follower, like you and I both are, jesus was not a codependent Like you. Look at him. He had amazing boundaries.
Speaker 2:When he was done teaching people and he was like I'm spent, he would go off in the mountains by himself and rest, and when he taught people, he would lovingly correct them, teach them, and then he left them alone. He didn't follow them around and go hey, I'm just checking up on you, are you doing that thing I told you to do? Hey, let's check in tomorrow. No, no, he didn't do any of that. He just taught people, he loved them and then he let them go and choose their own way. And so I think that a lot of times, as like really good-hearted, kind people or maybe we're Christian or we just like want so much the best for others in our lives that you can feel like being nice is being good and being good means saving other people from feeling the weight of their bad choices or whatever, and that's just not. It doesn't lead anyone to happiness. It doesn't lead you or them to happiness, actually.
Speaker 1:Right, that's so eyeopening. Okay, so let's give our listeners some actionable steps that they can do, like maybe what are like three steps that they can start doing to become free of codependency.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 2:So one thing that I really had a hard time with when I first started out on this journey and I was really working on my codependency, was boundaries. I felt like I would Google things and try to read things and look up things and there was so much information that kind of didn't it didn't all perfectly line up. So this is one thing I really love to teach people is like let's teach you how to create a healthy boundary. So, first of all, if you're like I don't even know what boundary I would create, think about the situation in your life that creates a lot of dread for you. If you kind of dread having to make a phone call to tell someone something, or you dread a situation where you know you're going to be around someone whose chaos makes you really uncomfortable or brings a lot of misery into your life or whatever, that's probably a good indicator that you need a boundary. So then, a boundary you would decide what do I need to protect my peace? And the most important thing about this is you don't need the buy-in of the other person. It has nothing to do with them. So a lot of people think that a boundary is me saying to you them. So a lot of people think that a boundary is me saying to you hey, brie, I'm not gonna let you talk to me this way anymore. I can't force you to like talk nicely to me. You can't force other people to do other like. You can't force anyone to get onto your agenda, so a boundary is okay.
Speaker 2:Let's say that you know, um, you have an uncle who every time you're around them, they want to talk about things that are really volatile and it riles everybody up. Let's say they're obsessed with politics and so they come to a family dinner and you know that they're going to bring politics up, they're going to try to create drama. So you can't say like hey, uncle John, you're not allowed to talk about politics. You can request it, but you can maybe decide for yourself. Okay, what's and it depends on the situation, right?
Speaker 2:If you have a great relationship with Uncle John, maybe you can call Uncle John before and be like hey, I just want you to know that this has created some discomfort for me and my family and I love spending time with you. So, if you're okay with it, I'd love if we talk about other things. But that doesn't mean he has to be on board, and so let's say that he's not on board. He's like I can talk about whatever I want to talk about, and I think it's good for the kids to hear my political views or whatever. So then you can say, okay, well, we will stay at dinner until this time and then if that, if that happens, then we'll go in another room or we might have to leave early, or. But you are in control of the boundary. You decide that when this happens, then you act in this way.
Speaker 2:So that's, I don't know that that like dinner, family dinner, one was like that helpful, but you basically just need to take something in your life that causes you a lot of like dread or anxiety, any kind of a situation, and you just say this is what I'm going to do to protect my peace. So another situation this is one that I love, and this was from a mentor of mine who taught me about there's frequency and then there's duration with family members. So she said that she had a family member who was pretty old, like old aged into her, like late 80s, maybe even close to 90. And this person loved to gossip, and so every time she was around this person then she wanted to gossip about everybody in the family, everybody in the neighborhood.
Speaker 2:And this mentor of mine was like I was trying so hard to not fill my life with that.
Speaker 2:I knew it was negative, I knew that you know. So she said, instead of saying like I'm cutting that person out of my life, instead of the I, I will only see them, maybe like two times a year or something, she just changed the duration of her visits. So she said I went to visit this person more often but I would only stay for an hour, because I found that within one hour I could control the conversation pretty well by bringing things up. That would lead us into good conversations, and I could usually steer it back in if it started to go gossipy. But she said that's what I learned, because I knew that this person was old enough that I wasn't going to change their ways, I wasn't going to convince them to stop gossiping, and it also didn't require their buy-in, and so she just decided this is going to be my new boundary, that I only stay for an hour. So I think there's so many situations in our life where we can decide this is what I need in order to protect my peace.
Speaker 1:And you could even apply it to parenting too, cause I talked to Adam all the time where I'm like I cannot let Jameson's mood dictate my whole day, like, depending on what he does, it either ruins my day or makes it good, because he has such a big personality, and I finally was like I need to separate myself, I need to just be like he might be having a bad day, but I can still have a good day and not let it affect me and I heard this parenting teacher actually say something similar when she was parent, when she was talking about parenting a kid.
Speaker 1:And setting boundaries is when you set the boundary with your child. It has nothing. You're not making them do anything, you're just saying if you decide to do this, this is what will happen. It's like so non-emotional, it's like your boundary and it's like you choose.
Speaker 2:Right, right.
Speaker 1:And so I love that you can apply it even to parenting. I love this.
Speaker 2:Totally Okay, and I do that with my kids too all the time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, where it's I mean, so you're just like. This is the consequence.
Speaker 2:Even like a complete freak out tantrum, where they're screaming at the dinner table. We've done that before with toddlers. We have a few of them in our house right now and I'll just take them, you know, calmly, lovingly, walk them into another room and say hey, you can feel all your feelings in here as long as you want. When you're ready, come back in. We'd love to have you at the dinner table, you know.
Speaker 1:So just stuff like that. Just that's your boundary, yeah, and it doesn't affect your. You're like, this will not affect my mood, yeah, okay. So one is boundary. What's another? What's another step they can start doing?
Speaker 2:Okay. So if you have someone in your life whose behaviors are completely out of control this is basically what you were just talking about is detached. Detached is so important, so many people feel like they have to hold on really, really tight to this person who's about to drown, but really all that happens is you both drown. You're not saving them by drowning with them. You're just making yourself miserable because they're going to choose what they want to choose. So by detaching, you can let them go. With love and this is my number one tip is when you need to detach. Okay, so let's say that neil was back in his addiction and he's just bringing chaos into his life and I'm watching it and I'm tempted to jump back in, but instead the detach looks like this for me I get on my knees and I just say heavenly father, I can't control this, I can't fix him. So I am lovingly passing him over to you, you detach and you lovingly hand them over to your higher power and you let them save them.
Speaker 1:That's powerful.
Speaker 2:It's so important to detach from people that you've been codependent with especially if they're the one bringing in the chaos in your life and just to realize it's not your job to save them. And it can feel bad sometimes to detach because it's like but they're going to drown, and then you can realize that A sometimes that's the best gift you can give someone is to let them feel the weight of their own choices, especially if you've been masking that from them, if you've been the one coming in and cleaning up all the messes, so that that's kind of enabling them to continue on. But, number two, it's not your job to save them. So you can lovingly pass it over to your higher power and say even like I know that this person has good things coming for them from the universe if they choose the path that they're meant to be on. But that has to be them, you know. So detaching is so, so important.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's something that we go way deep into. Yes, I want to do your course. I'm like, okay, boundaries detach, what's one more thing they can do? Boundaries detach and what. So let's one more thing they can do Boundaries detach and what.
Speaker 2:So let's talk about self-care, and I know you love this, so I love it.
Speaker 1:I'm glad you're tying this in, because I know you're kind of doing self-care right now too in your business.
Speaker 2:So yeah, well, we just finished a self-love seminar where we talked about, like, what actually is self-care? Self-love, like, how do you love yourself? And a lot of people struggle with that, even if they're not necessarily super codependent, but maybe they just have a lot of demons that they're fighting from their past, right. So self-care though a lot of people misunderstand self-care as like, well, I need $1,000 to go to a really nice day spa and just blow the whole day. Thousand dollars to go to a really nice day spa and just blow the whole day. Most of us don't have the time or money for that Self-care. If you think you don't have time for self-care, then you don't understand what self-care is, because self-care is just taking care of yourself. It is a daily practice of taking care of oneself. So that means if you feel the most centered and balanced by just starting off your day with a peaceful meditation, prayer, plugging into that spiritual power with God, that is top-notch self-care. If it is like I know you are, like I love to work out, it makes me feel so good, then that's your form of self-care. Then prioritizing that is your top-notch self-care. But it's not this like go spend a bunch of money or buy yourself. I had a roommate that her mom would say go buy yourself a happy. And we would always laugh about that. And sometimes it does make you happy for a second to buy something fun. That's funny, sure, yeah, but it's not actual self-care.
Speaker 2:Self-care, yeah, like this is the check is. Is it something that could be a daily or maybe weekly practice? And it's something where you are taking care of yourself. That's all it is. So I think if we can just like boil it down to that and make it more simple, like where do I really feel like I had a good day because I did the right things in my day? You look at those things. If for you, that means like you made yourself a healthy lunch and you felt like you ate all of these like organic ingredients, you feel awesome after you eat a meal, like that, that is your self-care. So, whatever you're doing as a ideally a daily practice to take care of yourself, if you can start doing those things, it's going to make you feel so good that you're like I don't need everyone else's validation, I'm pretty good on my own. And maybe that's a self-help book, maybe that's a fiction book, maybe that is a bubble bath, but whatever it is where you're taking care of yourself, and ideally, in a daily practice.
Speaker 1:I love that and it kind of ties in with what I teach my clients too is, whenever you keep promises with yourself, you build confidence. And when you have confidence, you really don't care what anyone thinks of you and you don't care what anyone says because you're like no, I have a high self-worth and that comes from keeping promises with yourself, which is self-care right, so I love it's like a full circle. It really is just kind of building yourself into the highest and best version of who you want to become, and I believe all of these steps that you're teaching is really helping people to do that and I'm so excited I want to do this Like I love setting boundaries, I love the detach and I love the self-care. I think those are three beautiful truths that people can start doing now, and if they want to go deeper, then what can they do if they want to go deeper and actually do your program with you?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we have a website and it's just CodaFreeorg. Can they do if they want to go deeper and actually do your program with you? Yeah, so we have a website and it's just CodaFreeorg. So it's C-O-D-A-F-R-E-Eorg and we've got like a few different levels that you could jump into. So we just did the self-love seminar.
Speaker 2:That's a really low cost one where you can. It's four different 20 minute little lessons that you can watch or listen to. The audio course is a really great, just basic, where you go through all 10 of the lessons and you listen to it like you would listen to an audio book or a podcast. So that's one that I think is a pretty great, like kind of middle ground thing for a lot of people to do who are like I just want to work on these tendencies and I just want to be happier. And then the full bootcamp is for someone who's like I'm at my wit's end, I will do anything. They're like the earlier version of me and that's where it's the audio course. You do that first, and then you do video workshops with me and there's worksheets with each one of them and you really go deep. You really do that deep work to uncover some of these things that are just keeping you trapped in codependency and it just relieves all of that. You let yourself free.
Speaker 1:I love this. You are helping so many people. Corinne, I really feel like you're inspired to do this work and I can tell you're so passionate about it and you have such gifts. You do, you can feel it from you. You're genuine, You're passionate about it and you have this gift to connect and to really just want to help people, like that's where you're coming from and I can feel it from you and it's such a blessing to me and to everybody that's listening. So thank you.
Speaker 2:Oh, thank you, that's so nice.
Speaker 1:And where else can they find you? You have an Instagram.
Speaker 2:Yep Instagram. It's just my name C-O-R-R-I-N-E-S-T-O-K-O-E. I know that's long, but it's Corinne.
Speaker 1:Stokoe, yeah, stokoe, yeah. I've been saying it wrong this entire time.
Speaker 2:Fine you and everybody else. When I married Neil he was like have fun being Corinne Stokoe the rest of your life. So I mean people have been pronouncing my name wrong since I was like a little kid.
Speaker 1:So you get over that real fast if you have a weird name, so Corinne.
Speaker 2:Stokoe. On Instagram we have a podcast called Mint Arrow Messages, and then you know just that basic stuff about codependency is on CodaFreeorg.
Speaker 1:All right. Thank you so much, Corinne. I really appreciate you being on. I learned a lot myself and I'm excited for our listeners.
Speaker 2:Thank you, Bree.
Speaker 1:Thank you for joining us in today's episode. If you liked the content and want to hear more, remember to hit that subscribe button and write a review. As a small business owner, I appreciate it more than you know. If you are looking for a program to help with self-confidence to lose weight, get in shape and work on your mental, physical and emotional health, check out my training programs on wwwbodybybreecom. My team and I help to hold you accountable through the Body by Bree app, where you log in to see all your workouts, custom meal plan made specifically for you and your needs, and communication through the messenger. You are never alone when you're on the Body by Bree training program. Click the link in the show notes to get more information on how to transform your life from the inside out.
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