The Fuzzy Mic

Facing the Hidden Enemy: Mental Health, Imposter Syndrome, and the Rise of Anxiety

June 04, 2024 • Kevin Kline • Episode 91

Share episode

Have you ever felt like a fraud, even when you're achieving success? On this episode of the Fuzzy Mic Podcast, we dive into my personal battle with imposter syndrome and its toll on my mental health. I recount my 2019 adventure attempting to run 304 miles on Alaska's Dalton Highway, a journey where self-doubt loomed large despite my accomplishments. This reflection is set against the backdrop of recent high-profile suicides, including the tragic stories of Stan Van Gundy's wife and professional golfer Grayson Murray, underscoring the hidden and pervasive nature of mental illness. Join me as I shed light on the importance of acknowledging and addressing these challenges.

We also tackle the disturbing rise in anxiety and PTSD among college students, with suicide alarmingly ranking as their second leading cause of death. From the impact of social media and employment stress to the lingering effects of the COVID-19 pandemic, we explore a range of contributing factors. Additionally, we discuss high suicide rates among military veterans, healthcare workers, and individuals with chronic pain or neurodevelopmental disorders.

Thank you for being part of this journey.

Speaker 1:

Hey F-U, excuse me, Z-Z-Y, it's the Fuzzy Mike with Kevin Kline, the Fuzzy Mike Podcast. Hello, and thank you for joining me on this episode of the Fuzzy Mike where we get entertaining and helpful discussion on mental health and self-improvement. Now, nothing particularly entertaining about this week's episode. In fact it could be looked at as very depressing. But I think and I'm hopeful that you'll find it helpful we don't have a guest this week and in the past I'd have really been stressed about that, like hands through the hair, forehead in the palms, fingernail eating, considering giving up on the podcast, stressed. But this week I'm like fuck it, because something happened recently and it's brought up some emotions in me that I want to share.

Speaker 1:

I like having guests because I'm not one of those people who talk just to talk, to hear their own voice, and I honestly don't believe that I have anything particularly noteworthy, profound or enlightening to say. And although I've been navigating through my own mental health challenges for about 38 years now, in no way do I consider myself an expert in the field and that's not self-pity. That's my true feelings and assessment of myself, and that's because of my paralyzing imposter syndrome. Now, if you're not familiar with that term, here's what it is. Imposter syndrome is the condition of feeling anxious and not experiencing success internally, despite being high-performing in external, objective ways. The condition often results in people feeling like a fraud, a phony, and doubting their abilities. Hey, just doubting my abilities. That would be a marked improvement on the current level of imposter syndrome that I feel. I don't doubt my abilities. I firmly believe that, no matter what I do anymore, I won't succeed. I have ideas of things I'd like to do. I'd like to get back on the radio, but, in all honesty, I've been out so long now I don't believe I'd be good anymore. Oh, okay, smart asses, yeah, uh-huh. Who says I was ever good in the first place? Ha ha ha. I turned 55 in November. I've been kicking around the idea of a long run, with deference to the numbers of 55, 34, and 16. 55 for my age and 34 and 16 significant for the young lady who changed my life in 2005. I'm about 10% convinced that I'll try it, which is to say I likely won't. I'm 100% certain that if I do try it, I won't complete it.

Speaker 1:

The onset of this imposter syndrome it happened with my failed attempt in 2019 to run 304 miles of the Dalton Highway in Alaska, which was from the Arctic Circle to the banks of the Arctic Ocean. I carried an 8.9-pound backpack filled with the names of 1,856 children who had battled pediatric cancer. On day six of a nine-day run, my mind and my body gave out. I decided to hand off the backpack to my friend and medic, scott Tyner. I decided to hand off the backpack to my friend and medic, scott Tyner, so that he could run the 22 remaining miles of the day and then share the rest of the run with me. All total, I averaged a marathon per day for nine straight days in an average daily temperature of negative 27 degrees Fahrenheit. The warmest day was two degrees and the coldest day was negative 40. Every external measurement of success was met on that run. The backpack made it to the post office in Dead Horse, alaska. The entire crew made it back safely and without any physical injuries. A full-length documentary was shot and released and won over 50 International Film Festival awards and won over 50 International Film Festival awards. And we raised over $200,000 for Snowdrop Foundation, which helps fund childhood cancer research and provides college scholarships for childhood cancer patients and survivors.

Speaker 1:

So what does all of that backstory have to do with this episode? Now it's an illustration of how far outside of my comfort zone I am in this episode. We learned of two high-profile suicides in the past two weeks and something I read about one of them sparked the idea for this episode. First, stan Van Gundy, former NBA coach and current TV analyst, revealed on a podcast that the cause of death last August of his wife of 35 years was suicide. Van Gundy shared that Kim, age 61, had been diagnosed with a mental illness. He explained, quote I knew she was going through a tough time, but I still never envisioned that happening. 35 years together, and he never envisioned that happening. That's the secrecy behind what we battle. Not even the closest people to us know how low we are.

Speaker 1:

Robin Williams explained it this way, saying, quote all it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul. Now, while I was reading quotes from Robin Williams, I read this article written by Desiree L Stage. Desiree is a suicide awareness activist. She wrote, quote that's the thing about suicide it doesn't discriminate. It doesn't matter who you are or what you have. It doesn't matter how loved you are.

Speaker 1:

The pain and the feelings of isolation can build and build over time, and if something or someone doesn't set you back on your path, you may get trapped in the box. The box is filled with self-loathing, self-doubt, hopelessness, futility, the thought that you and your pain are a burden to every single person around you and that they'd be better off if you erased yourself from their lives. The box lies and when you get trapped in that box it can feel impossible to get out. Sometimes it is that's when we can lose the people we love. Sometimes it is that's when we can lose the people we love. It was impossible to get out two weeks ago for 30 year old professional golfer, grayson Murray. Grayson was a two-time winner on the PGA tour who abruptly withdrew from the tournament he was playing in Texas after the 16th hole. With two holes left to play in his second round, murray withdrew, citing illness. The next day he was found dead from suicide reported to be through carbon monoxide poisoning.

Speaker 1:

I've been reading a lot of articles on Grayson Murray since news of his suicide was reported two weekends ago. I've learned that he had been very candid over the years about his depression, anxiety and alcoholism. Saying it's not easy I wanted to give up a lot of times. Alcoholism saying it's not easy I wanted to give up a lot of times give up on myself, give up on the game of golf, give up on life at times. He finally reached the bottom of despair on Saturday, may 25th. I also learned that Grayson started college at Wake Forest as the recipient of the prestigious Arnold Palmer Scholarship. College at Wake Forest as the recipient of the prestigious Arnold Palmer scholarship. But after just one semester he told his coach, jerry Haas, that he decided to transfer. In that meeting, haas told Grayson Murray quote young man, I'm worried about your health. I'm not worried about your golf that will always be there but I'm worried about you as a person.

Speaker 1:

Clearly, for the past 12 years, grayson Murray has been struggling with the ups and downs of mental illness. This is why I got so fucking pissed off when I read a reader's comment on one of the articles. The comment said this it's the vaccine's fault. My first reaction to this comment was did you even fucking read the article that you commented on? If this person had, they would have known how baseless and unnecessary their comment was. My second reaction was well, who the fuck are you to minimize the dozen years of suffering this man, his family, his fiance and his friends had to endure just to expand your agenda, guys.

Speaker 1:

I'm tired. I'm tired of everything being political. I'm tired of conspiracies. I'm tired of not knowing who to believe and who not to believe, tired of agendas. I'm tired of manipulation. I'm tired of social media opinions. I'm tired of conflict. I'm tired of paying higher prices and getting less of something Just fucking tired of all of it. And for someone with imposter syndrome, depression and chronic suicidal ideation, being tired of it all is not a good ingredient to mix into the dish of life.

Speaker 1:

But because I don't know who to believe or not to believe, I decided to investigate the claim that the vaccine you know the COVID vaccine did or did not contribute to Grayson Murray's decision to end his life. Now here's the rub because I don't know who to believe or not believe, and because the CDC and other health organizations have been politicized to the point where everything is questionable, I don't know if what I found is true or not. However, the deciding factor for me to believe what I read is this I've had both vaccinations, the initial and the booster. I think about suicide every day. That's what chronic suicidal ideation is. So because of that and the fact that I've had both doses of the COVID vaccine, one would think that I'd be a prime candidate to end it all if the vaccine caused suicide. Yet here I am. Nothing I say here will change anybody's mind who believes otherwise, because we don't live in that world anymore.

Speaker 1:

Views aren't open for debate because we're in the era of I'm right and you're wrong. Also, statistics lie. We know that. You can make any stat, survey, poll etc. Say exactly what you want it to say if you spin it right. So then you're asking why am I even doing this episode if nothing can come of it? And these numbers don't add up to a hill of beans? Well, first, I've always wanted to use the phrase hill of beans in a podcast, so check that box.

Speaker 1:

Second, the podcast experts say that you need to be consistent putting out episodes or else you'll lose your audience, which I think is total bullshit, because I've been consistent now for six months, with a new episode every Tuesday, and the listenership has steadily declined as I approach the magic number of 100 episodes. And third, I did all this fucking research. I don't want to waste that time, so I'm sharing it with you If you're still with me. Hey, thanks for sticking around. I'll try to make this interesting because, if you're like me. Numbers bore the shit out of you.

Speaker 1:

Yearly suicide rates are calculated per 100,000 people. Even I can digest that simple enough. First, I found an article from US News and World Report. This was written on May 30th 2024, just five days ago. As of this, recording the headline, ptsd anxiety is rising among college students. Well, this intrigued me because I'm familiar with the military statistic of 22 suicides per day, and many of those are traced back to PTSD, so I'm aware that PTSD contributes to higher suicide rates. The article stated that for college students, suicide is the second highest cause of death.

Speaker 1:

The study of suicide rates and trends was not common in the past. Was not common in the past, but it's gained more attention in 2019. Hmm, okay, the vaccine has been around since 2019. So is that the reason for the new attention to college suicide rates? The article didn't say, but maybe there is some connection to the vaccine. Perhaps the commenter of the article that I read about Grace and Murray was onto something. Maybe I shouldn't be so quick to dismiss, but the article went on to say that from 1990 to 2004, which we all know is well before the pandemic and the vaccine and the vaccine about 1,404 college students died by suicide, accounting for about 6.5% of those who died by suicide nationwide during that time period. Okay, so 15 years before the pandemic, college students already had a high rate of suicide.

Speaker 1:

Then I found this tidbit in another article According to the American College Health Association, before the pandemic quote before the pandemic 60% of US students felt overwhelming anxiety, while 40% experienced depression so severe they had difficulty functioning. The article didn't say why, but clearly there's no connection to the pandemic or the vaccine there. If I had to guess why those numbers were so high, I'd say it's because social media, the employment landscape and the cost of college. That's just a guess on my part, though. Now I mentioned veteran suicides, which again are reported at 22 per day, so I wanted to take a look at that segment of the population and see how that number stacked up. A 2009 US Army report indicates military veterans have double the suicide rate of non-veterans suicide rate of non-veterans, and more active-duty soldiers have died from suicide than in combat in the Iraq War from 2003 to 2011 and the war in Afghanistan 2001 to 2021 combined.

Speaker 1:

Doubtful that the vaccine is the reason for those staggering numbers, but I did go on to read a report that stated just catching COVID-19 has been linked with feeling anxious, depressed and suicidal. In a study of 3,078 veterans, for example, 12% of those who caught COVID said they felt suicidal, while less than 8% of those who did not get COVID said they felt that way. In general, getting sick tends to make people feel anxious or depressed. In fact, I found an article that corroborates that very assessment. The Russian influenza between 1889 and 1893 was associated with an increase in the suicide rate in the United Kingdom. Similarly, a marked rise in the suicide rate was observed in the US during the Great Influenza epidemic between 1910 and 1920. The mortality rate during the Spanish flu has been associated with an increase in suicide percentages, as we've already heard. Numerous studies reported associations between coronavirus disease, distress and suicidal ideation. It's surmised that all of these epidemic and pandemic suicide increases may be due to social disconnectedness, ie isolation, quarantine, fear of infection highly contagious and concern about burdening others. Score one for the disease, not so much for the vaccine.

Speaker 1:

Now, this strayed a bit from the original topic, but I wanted to learn if there were other occupations besides military personnel that had higher than national average suicide rates. Turns out healthcare workers have a high suicide rate, according to Columbia University researchers. Here's something that I didn't know but that I found truly fascinating. Suicide rates among veterinarians are a growing problem. Suicide rates among male veterinarians are twice the national average. Here's something even more shocking. And among female veterinarians, the suicide rate is three and a half times the national average.

Speaker 1:

Patients with chronic pain are twice as likely to attempt suicide compared with those without chronic pain Makes complete sense. Now, this was startling because I know several people who fall into this diagnostic category. I know several people who fall into this diagnostic category. Studies have found very high rates of suicide in people with autism spectrum disorders. Autism, and particularly Asperger's syndrome, are highly associated with clinical depression, and as many as 30% or more of people with Asperger's syndrome also suffer from depression. Those with ADHD three to five times more likely to die by suicide. Still, I know none of that proves or disproves the effect the vaccine has had on suicide rates.

Speaker 1:

So I figured the best way to see how, if at all, the vaccine has affected suicide rates was to find statistics before 2019 and after 2019. Turns out, I'm not the only one with this curiosity. John Elfline is Statista's research expert for topics concerning health diseases and medical professionals in the United States and worldwide. These stats were compiled by two different entities the National Center for Health Statistics and the CDC. Check this out In the 1900s, 21 people per 100,000 committed suicide in the United States.

Speaker 1:

In 1920, 20 years later, that figure dropped to 13. 10 years later, 1930, 22. That's the highest rate ever. There was no COVID vaccine. Then In 1950, 13.2. 20 years later, 1970, we went down 13.1. 1990, 20 years after that, we went down again 12.2 people out of every 100,000. And then in 2000, we hit the lowest recorded point ever in the history of this statistic 2,010.4 people out of every 100,000. Then we start to see a climb 2010, 12.1. 2018, 14.2. 2019, 13.9. 2020, 13.5. 2021, 14.1. 2022, the last year that they have on record 14.2. 2019, 13.9. 2020, 13.5. 2021, 14.1. 2022, 14.2. Hmm, healthline's conclusion is that, after two decades of slowly rising, the US suicide rate has stabilized over the past few years. It is now at the same level as the 1950s.

Speaker 1:

Finally, I found an article written by Joel Bernanke, who is a fellow in child psychiatry, translational research at Columbia University and the New York State Psychiatric Institute. In the article Joel Bernanke writes, quote some people have wondered if getting vaccinated increases your risk of feeling suicidal. There is no evidence that this is true. Doctors looked for this kind of side effect in the vaccine clinical trials and did not find it, and they have continued to monitor the safety of the vaccines since they've become available to for this kind of side effect in the vaccine clinical trials and did not find it, and they have continued to monitor the safety of the vaccines since they've become available to everyone. There's been no sign that getting vaccinated is connected with any mental health problems. End quote from Joel Bernanke.

Speaker 1:

So what is the conclusion? Shit, I don't know. I mean, you make up your own opinion. You're going to anyway. As for me, the son of a father who committed suicide in 2005, 14 years before COVID, and was the fifth and latest person in his family to do so, and as someone who put a knife to his own throat and pierced the skin back in 2015, I'll continue my belief that suicide is a health crisis. It's been around a long, long time, with higher documented rates, way before the COVID vaccine was developed and administered. I'll continue to believe that I'm even more tired now than I was before I started this episode and that, even if you like, rate, subscribe or share the Fuzzy Mike, I'll still never feel worthy of your time For a weekly dose of pickup-inducing laughter.

Speaker 1:

Check out the Tuttle Kline podcast. It's the podcast I co-host with my longtime radio partner of 25 years, tim Tuttle. We give you new episodes every Wednesday. Thank you for listening or watching. The Fuzzy Mike is hosted and produced by Kevin Kline. Production elements by Zach Sheesh at the Radio Farm. Social media director is Trish Kline. I'll be back next week with another episode of the Fuzzy Mike and thank you again. I'm grateful. That's it for the Fuzzy Mike, thank you. The Fuzzy Mike with Kevin Kline.