The Fuzzy Mic
After retiring from a 30-year, major market morning radio career, I'm often asked what I miss the most about the job. I miss 3 C's...camaraderie, creativity but most of all, conversation.
The Fuzzy Mic is built around creativity and conversation to develop camaraderie. The 4 focus areas are: Mental Health, True Crime, Music and Sports.
So, while The Fuzzy Mic allows me to fill some professional voids, it's my sincere hope that maybe you'll find something personally fulfilling in it too.
The Fuzzy Mic
Transforming Pain into Purpose
What if you could transform your darkest moments into a beacon of hope and resilience? Join us as we sit down with Ricky Sluder, a life and relationship coach and author of "Accepting Truth, Finding Hope." Ricky takes us through his poignant journey of overcoming severe childhood trauma and complex PTSD, sharing how his faith-based approach to mental health has been a cornerstone in his battle against negative belief systems, addiction, and suicidal thoughts. His raw and honest account of navigating personal hardships, including financial ruin and toxic relationships, underscores the extraordinary power of faith and perseverance during life's bleakest times.
Ricky's story begins with a tumultuous upbringing in East Texas, where his father's financial struggles and violent episodes became a defining feature of his childhood. From early independence at the age of nine to dealing with molestation and severe allergies triggered by emotional turmoil, Ricky's experiences paint a vivid picture of resilience against formidable odds. The overwhelming stress of his early years was a crucible, shaping his perspective on the interconnectedness of lives and the role of divine providence. Interwoven with personal anecdotes, Ricky's narrative emphasizes that there are no coincidences in life, only moments that shape our paths.
Adding to the depth of this episode, we also recount personal tales of surviving dangerous encounters and navigating trauma towards a brighter future. From facing gang violence on the streets as a teenager to a life-altering incident involving law enforcement, these stories highlight the crucial role of emotional control and the relentless pursuit of purpose. We reflect on the true meaning of success beyond monetary achievements, the importance of setting boundaries, and seeking God's guidance through confusion. This episode is a heartfelt testament to the transformative power of vulnerability, solidarity, and unwavering hope.
Welcome to the Fuzzy Mike, the interview series, the podcast, whatever Kevin wants to call it. It's Fuzzy Mike. Hello and thank you for joining me on this episode of the Fuzzy Mike. This is the first of a two-part conversation with my guest, ricky Sluder, a life and relationship coach and author of the book Accepting Truth, finding Hope. Ricky offers a faith-based alternative to the traditional mental health counseling model and he uses his own enormously incredible story of survival against all odds, due to extreme childhood trauma, including abuse and murder and complex PTSD, and he got that by serving the great state of Texas as a criminal investigator and classically trained hostage negotiator for 10 years.
Speaker 1:Ricky was severely wounded by countless lies he had been told about himself. Now, these lies, when he heard them and believed them, led him to form improper belief systems about himself and life in general. These lies were an attack on his very identity, which led to negative behaviors and actions like addiction, constant negative self-taught and secret sexual acts. All of this led to feelings of sadness, depression, hopelessness and even thoughts of suicide. And since I'm going through my own thought process right now, that's where we begin the conversation with Ricky. I don't think anything happens by coincidence and I honestly think that you and I were meant to talk today, and I say that because, um, lately, all I've been praying for is for God to take me.
Speaker 2:Really.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, so I've been. I've been diagnosed as, uh uh, depression and chronic suicidal ideation. Um, my dad was the fifth person in our family to kill himself. And it's just a gene that runs in the family and and yeah, man, I've got a great life, but right now I just don't care, and I think you're the guy that's going to get me through this. Wow. Holy shit that is put a lot of pressure on you.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, no. I'll take that yoke, okay, and let me tell you why. Because if you, if you've done any digging on me, I felt that way so many times in my life that I can't see straight, like I've had, um, I had just a lot of shit and I'd love to say I've had a good life. I haven't had a terrible life and I've had, I've had many friends who are like I believe in reincarnation. Ricky, I swear to God, you're a Job 2.0. I'm like, yeah, I think fucking so, like, I mean like, and so I've struggled so much. And just the other night, man like, so back in, oh my God, my son's three.
Speaker 2:Now I discovered after I thought I met my person, kevin, that she was starving, our son near to death, and the woman I'm married is a fucking monster. That lied to her ass off to me, financially, ruined me. I fought like hell, got my son 50, 50. That's all a guy's going to get, and she got away with it, you know. And then come up around to November of 23. I'm working for a toxic son of a bitch and I got. He just eliminated my position because he didn't like me didn't know he could do that yeah.
Speaker 2:So I've been trying to figure out a lot of shit in the last seven months and you know it's like why do we do this, lord? Like why do you take me down such difficult paths like never ending, like it's just never fucking ending. And I'll tell you. I'll take a step back, and whenever I was really reeling with this stuff and I was writing my book and, by the way, I didn't write that because I wanted to, I wrote that because god told me to, and I spent five years writing it and I told him every morning when I woke up that I'd spend time with him and if he didn't tell me what to write, I wasn't going to fucking write.
Speaker 2:And I'm not a churchy person, you can probably see that about me but but there is a God and I've met him and he's fucking cool and I don't understand him. Uh, to save my life, I don't understand him. I know he loves me, but what I've come to understand recently okay, during this season because I came back to him and I went really Like the fuck, like you've made me these promises that we weren't going to keep doing this shit, that like there's going to be sunshine at some point, like I can't just keep standing here in the rain, standing on the water, staring you in the eyes, lord, and then to know that you're not even fucking standing there because you've done your disappearing act. And I'm just supposed to be obediently standing here getting rained on and the waves beating the shit out of me. I'm supposed to smile about it, like I can do that for about a day. After that I get tired, my humanity begins to kick in and I just don't. Just don't know what the fuck you want me to do.
Speaker 2:So he had told me that he was putting me in this season where I'd kind of be like a baby in a womb and I'd feel the most alone I've ever felt in my life. And he's true to his fucking word and he's just kind of like okay, here's what we're going to do and go. And I shit you not when I look back at my spreadsheet, from the time that I lost my job to the time that on my spreadsheet I was gonna run out of money, okay was exactly 40 weeks. You know what a gestation period is for a baby, don't you? Yeah, 40 fucking weeks. Yeah, like you can't make this shit up. And so I'm like let's, don't do that to me again. Come on, I'm so tired.
Speaker 2:But what I'm, what I've learned during this season, because I, you know, I've I've had moments where I've been kind of solid and I've had moments where I've been like you know what?
Speaker 2:I just want to come home, like I just I don't want to do this anymore. And I've said that to him no less than probably 4,000 times in my life and it's one of those genuine things where I know where you're coming from. I understand the generational curse, because my fucking family, you know, brought so much shit on me that I have no doubt just attached itself to me on my way out of the womb that I can just be free of all of that demonic oppression that previous generations brought into this family. And I just had to make a commitment to myself, kevin, where I said you know what? I don't give a fuck what happens. You're going to knock me out of this fucking meat suit. I'm not doing it, and the reason for that is because I tried. I tried. That's why I did this dangerous shit I did in law enforcement. That's why I volunteered to be the first guy in the door.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I knew that about you, that you were always wanting to be the first one in the door during your law enforcement days because you were thinking about not only yourself and you were thinking about your brethren that you were going into these dangerous situations with, and you were like, well, they've got kids and they've got spouses that need the support, and you're like you know what my life was worthless is basically what you were saying.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my life doesn't matter. I didn't think my life mattered. I know now that it does.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:Imagine my life mattered. I know now that it does. Oh yeah, imagine if, if the other night, when I felt the way that you felt, the way you said that you've been feeling, if I had just decided to check out, where would it have left you? Yeah, I know right yeah, and so I say that to say god has us all intertwined, and I agree, there are no fucking coincidences.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I completely agree. You said a lot there that we need to unravel, and what I want to unravel first is your upbringing. You were basically on your own since nine years old.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah so four years ago.
Speaker 1:How does that?
Speaker 2:happen. Well, four years old, yeah, yeah, so four years ago. Well, four years old, uh, this is the earliest really I can kind of remember. Um, we lived in a? Uh, we lived in east texas, uh, and my dad is a self-made guy, you know. He like quit school in the eighth grade, uh, started a construction company and he, you know he didn't have shit, like you know, um, he just did the best he could, but he was broken and a mess of a man, coming into, you know, into his adult life, ended up becoming pretty damn successful in spite of himself, okay, not being educated, but a man in 1979 did. I think. It was a private school or something, some kind of school project where my dad took it on and he fronted everything and the guy never paid him. $90,000 is what he lost on this venture and he just left my dad high and dry with the bill and the project never got completed, of course.
Speaker 2:And so what does my dad do? Lost his ever loving mind because this guy just ruined me and he was already angry. So he then becomes murderously angry, like he just wants to kill this guy, like, find him, beat the shit out of him. That's my dad. All my lineage are just mean, tough motherfuckers, you know. Like, don't cross them, they'll hurt you. And so that's not my spirit, kevin, like that's not who I was as a little boy. I was tender I mean tender and my dad didn't understand me because I wasn't. You know, throwing whiskey bottles at people at two years old, you know, rather, give you a hug and a kiss and you know, sit in your lap and tell me a story, you know, and nobody knew what to fucking do with me because I was weird. So he's got all that going on and I say in my book that he had this hurricane forming off the coast of his life at that time and everything was just coming unrooted. Well, the IRS, you know you pay your taxes or you don't.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Well, he didn't have the money to pay the taxes because he put it all into that project and he wasn't about to fire the men who worked for him because they had families. And so he decided you know what the government will be just fine, these men won't. So I'll figure out the taxes later. Well, that was not during the kind and gentle IRS days. That was in the bend over. We have, you know, a rocket-sized microscope to come up into your tonsils with, and that's what they did. They came in, they seized everything we owned and basically told us we don't give a shit, sorry about your bad luck.
Speaker 2:I was a little boy with a $50 savings account man. They seized my savings account in the interest of the Republic and then it made my dad pay like some ungodly amount of money. It was a $30,000 debt. He paid like $1,500 or more a month for damn near 30 years and then, at the end of which, which is over a million dollars that he paid back on a $30,000 debt. They then made him settle for the original amount and said if you'll pay us what you originally owed us, we'll call it good. I tell you all that to say okay.
Speaker 2:So when that happened, well, he was no longer. He wasn't a very good human to begin with because he had so much shit he had never dealt with okay. And so now he's just murderously angry all the time you ask him a question and God only knows what he'll do. There were days I'd come home eight years old, between four and eight, and literally walls would be missing inside of a house. Like I watched him tear a recliner in half with his bare hands one time. I still don't know how he did it. That's some rage man.
Speaker 2:That much rage, yeah. And so at eight years old uh ish, eight was a bad year for me I came home from a baseball game that I had played in and I'm walking down the driveway and I see something kind of shiny under my dad's truck. Well, it's my dad with a 44 to his head, and I ran in and told my mom, like this is what I just saw. And of course I go to my bedroom and bunker because I don't know what the fuck's about to happen, because shit went sideways a lot, and that night he had planned on murdering all of us and then killing himself. That was the plan. Now, he didn't carry it through. I don't know why, but that's kind of the backdrop.
Speaker 1:We do know why we do know why?
Speaker 2:Well, we do know why You're right, you're supposed to be doing this God and his providence decided that that wasn't how that story was going to end. Yeah, exactly. And so at the same time I was molested by a relative, jeez Louise. Then I literally woke up and I found pornography that same day. That led to a whole bunch of bad shit, you know. As time went on, and then, within days of that happening, I woke up one morning. I went from not ever having any allergies or anything to now being like deathly allergic to everything, just in a blink. And it turns out, I think the trauma that I had experienced triggered a condition called eosinophilic esophagitis. And what happens is that you have these white blood cells called eosinophils that will form at your esophagus and they attack your system because of food. That I ended up with all kinds of food allergies and environmental allergies. So I ran a fever, not on top of everything else. I started running a fever between a hundred to 106, no lie every day for eight years. Every day you had to feel like crap.
Speaker 2:I was miserable. Yeah, I was fucking miserable. So I'm terrified. At home I'm sick as shit. My mother doesn't know how to handle any of this. My dad's losing his mind. She doesn't know how to do it. She's got a sick kid that she doesn't know what to do with either. She wasn't any more educated than he or any more healed. You know just as broken and so her thing was. You know, ricky, just because you're a little bit sick doesn't mean the world's going to stop turning for you. You know she tried the tough love thing, and it was you, me wore me out, kevin, as you might imagine.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, um I mean not only from a mental standpoint, but physically. You could not have been strong no, I wasn't.
Speaker 2:I broke 17 bones. I was malnourished. I didn't eat what you know I should have been eating. We didn't have the money to eat. You know, once my dad left, we went from living on that you know kind of rural, farm, kind of environment to now my mom had to get a job. She didn't work before. Now she's got two jobs trying to support us. So we moved into an apartment and I remember my mother telling me, you know, when she told me that her and my dad were going to get divorced, that we're moving into a two-bedroom apartment. Your sister's going to get a room because she's a girl, and then, speaking first person from her, I'll get a room because I'm the mom and you'll sleep on the couch, right. Actually, I said what about me? Is what I said? And she said you can sleep on the couch. Oh, how are your.
Speaker 1:How are your grades at this time? I mean, you can't concentrate on school doing this, can you straight a's? Oh, did you pour yourself into school to escape?
Speaker 2:no, no, I was just that lucky guy. I'm just, I'm just always been smart. Yeah, yeah, I had one, one period. So after my dad left, he had one season where he came back. I was in the sixth grade and that's the only time I ever got a bad grade and I got a 69 in my math class and it's because I didn't want him around. I couldn't concentrate, I was, I was already a mess, but I was really a mess right With with his reemergence and he was doing the violent shit again and and I just, I don't know, I just couldn't take it. And you know, I brought home, you know, my report card with a 69 on it and I'd always been a straight-A student. And so what does he do? He tells me I'm grounded for three months, I can't leave my couch. Wow, I'm like, well, that'll help, that'll make my grades go up. Thank you you, genius of a man. Yeah, so yeah, that was kind of the thing. And then I got into running around.
Speaker 1:I got running around a lot of wrong people this all happened to you at nine let's fast forward five years at 14. Major event yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So, you know, because I was living in this apartment complex on the wrong side of the tracks. You know the kids that I was hanging around with now they were just a different, different breed of of kids than what I was hanging around with when I lived in the country, you know. So I went from shy, um, timid, sweet kid to having to learn to fight every day and I grew my hair down past my shoulders and you know I thought, well, when in Rome, better become a Roman? You know I thought, well, in rome, better become a roman. You know, otherwise you get your ass kicked. And I got lucky a couple of times in some pretty epic fights that you know, god just kind of smiled on me and I won, in spite of the fact that I shouldn't have, and it kind of gave me a bit of a reputation with that crew, that group. Basically don't fuck with him, you know.
Speaker 2:And so it kind of put a hedge of protection around me in a way, um, but but you know, when that happens, then you start to kind of get a little bit of an ego, you know. And so then I'm hanging around, I'm going to street races, I'm drinking, and I was probably clinically an alcoholic at 13. I drank so much, you know, smoked a pack a day, and but I was still an athlete. Athlete, I was still a great student. I was just living this double life. It was so weird, um, but yeah, 14, uh, my sister and I and some friends were drinking, as we always were. We ran out of, we ran out of, uh, booze, so we needed to go to pawn shop. She was on, uh, on her classroom get us some more beer money.
Speaker 2:You know smart things you do at 1 am, of course, and, uh, so we're in the bad, bad bad part of talus and, uh, her and her boyfriend go in. We're me, I'm sitting on the hump of a little uh, mercury links is the ford escort, you know version and so a little two-seater in the front and then it's got like a row in the back that you know, if you put three humans in it, uh, they'll fit as long as they're all hugging. One of my buddies is back there, one of my sister's boyfriend's buddies is back there, and then some other guy that I still don't know who he was, but he was a little bit looney tune. And so they're crammed back there and I'm sitting on the center console, my sister and her boyfriend go inside, they come out. Well, before they come out, I saw this car pull in and I was very acquainted with the various Mexican gangs that were popular, and at that time they wore their hair a certain way, they wore trench coats, and you just knew them, if you knew. And so I saw them pull in the parking lot and I went oh shit, that's not going to be good. And so, sure enough, when my sister and her boyfriend come out of the pawn shop, those guys ambushed them and knife fight begins.
Speaker 2:My sister ran to the car. She was trying to get inside. I tried to help her and one of the guys pulls her out, has a knife. You know to her she's fighting because she's she's tough, uh, and so she's trying to fight him off and I'm trying to, you know, get to where I can help her and, as I'm kind of coming out, to go for her, a knife comes between my eyes and this guy backs me up against the driver window and he's pushing it into, you know, into the flesh of my bridge, of my nose, and I since then I have looked into the eyes of very evil men, but I have never seen what I saw in this man's eyes. It's an evil unparalleled.
Speaker 2:I don't really know how to describe it other than to say it shook me to my core when I saw his eyes and the literal death that just was swimming in his eyes. And he told me he was going to kill me. And there was no question that man was absolutely going to kill me. And I still don't really even know what I said. Okay, I can only say that I guess I channeled this inner hostage negotiator that God was going to allow me to be later on in life, because I talked this man out of killing me and I could tell by the look on his face he didn't really understand why he was backing down. And I could tell by the look on his face he didn't really understand why he was backing down. But I had just I don't know befuddled him with some magical soliloquy that I threw at him and I bargained really with my letter jacket. I gave him my letter jacket in exchange for my life, and I guess he thought so because he backed out of the car in exchange for my life.
Speaker 2:Good deal, I guess he thought so he backed out of the car and then, when he did, my sister's boyfriend had come around the other side of the car at that same time and he's banging on the roof and he's like give me the machete. I didn't know there was a machete in the car. The guy sitting in the back that I said it's kind of Looney Tunes guy. He picks it up and he's like big nice, what the fuck is my life. And so he hands the machete out out the car. And so the guy, uh, then comes around and he decides he's running and my sister's boyfriend stabbed him with it. It went through his back and out his chest and I saw that guy go from moving to just like this and just face plant and the machete popped out because it hit the concrete. Yeah, yeah, right. And so my sister's boyfriend kind of overran the guy because he didn't expect him to fall. I guess I mean he's in real time, right. And so one of the other guys was in chase too and it's like when the machete popped up he like grabs it and swings it around and hits my sister's boyfriend right on the back and I thought he's decapitated like this just went from bad to worse, but it ended up being the the blunt, the blunt side. Okay, it wasn't the sharp side and so it did some damage, but it obviously didn't kill him.
Speaker 2:And right when that happened, a dpd cruiser pulled into the alley and just stopped. They picked their guy up and ran and then, you know, uh, we just kind of hung out by the car. And and then, you know, uh, we just kind of hung out by the car and then, next thing, you know, we got air one and you got all kinds of freaking police coming from all over the damn place. You know, and of course you know, we all lied. What are you going to do? You know you're not going to tell them what actually happened. That's just not the rules of the street. Yeah, so, yeah.
Speaker 2:So then my mom found out and I wanted my letter jacket back. It was taken into evidence. The DPD found it there at the crime scene and, yeah, homicide detective called my mother the next day, kevin, and said I'm detective so-and-so, homicide DPD. You know, have your son's this, your daughter's's this and whatnot. She gets off the phone and I'm sitting there when she's having this conversation. I'm going oh shit, you know. And um, and she then looks at me. It was like what happened last night and I just spun some bs yarn and she never asked me another question, never took me to get any of the evidence, never took me to get any of the evidence, never took me to get my jacket, never did anything. It was just like matter over, let's just move on. I'm like sure, yeah, I thought that was a good thing. I can look back now as a father and go, oh my God, yeah right, not a good thing.
Speaker 1:So what happened with? Was there prosecution? Was there no, nothing, huh.
Speaker 2:No, like I said, when the officer pulled in, those guys grabbed their guy off the ground, one under each shoulder. I remember watching them pick him up and drug him around the backside of a dumpster. And then one of the guys got in the car. They got in the car and they took off and then they were stupid enough to come back, but when they came back, the one that wasn't with us wasn't with them, oh yeah. So all we had was blood on the ground, and what can you do with that?
Speaker 1:OK, so you've gone through this traumatic experience. At nine years of age. Now you've almost been killed and then seen the guy that was going to kill you get killed. Yeah, did that lead you to law enforcement? Because there's so many different bad outcomes that could happen with that upbringing.
Speaker 2:But you actually turned it into a positive, I think yeah, I did, and you know I had always wanted to be a police officer. Like that was a passion of mine. Chips, you know, was like the thing in our era, you know. So, as a little boy, when my grandfather was trying to watch Gunsmoke, you know, I was crying, telling him to put chips on TV, you know. So I just had this, like you know, idealistic fascination with it. I didn't really know anything about it, but what really led me down that road was that I knew I wanted to.
Speaker 2:After that happened, it did something to me because I realized, okay, this isn't just fun and games anymore, like this gangster lifestyle that, you know, we sometimes think is cool. And you know, the thug life or whatever you want to call it, there's consequences for it and they're deadly. And I just lived it and I just survived it narrowly, and it wasn't the first time that had happened, sadly. But that event was the one that made me go OK, I want to do more with my life, you know. And what I didn't share with you earlier is that at eight years old I had given my life to Christ. I don't know really why I did it. I just I've always known that God was there and I've always equated God with Jesus. That's just what I thought at that age. And I went in my bedroom and I just prayed and said I want you to be the God of my life.
Speaker 2:And I didn't grow up in church. I had an uncle who was a Baptist preacher, and I think I heard him preach on the rapture no less than six times. So I just thought God was really angry, you know, and I really thought he wanted to, that he must hate me, and otherwise why would I have the life that I have? You know why? Why would these things be happening to me? I couldn't see that it was for me at that time. Right, it was to me. And so I just was train wreck. So I decided one day all right, I may have been born playing white trash, but I'll be damned if I die it. Okay. So I went to my high school counselor and that where you're supposed to go when you don't have anybody else to turn to?
Speaker 1:Absolutely and.
Speaker 2:I said hey, sir, can I talk to you? I want to go to college. I have colleges recruiting me for football, I have great grades, I have all this Like I want to go. I just don't know how to do it. Like I don't know what to do. And he literally, like literally, looked me up and down. I could smell the cigarette smoke on me and I got a greasy mullet Because I probably didn't wash my hair in three weeks. And he's like what are your grades? And so he started looking me up. Well, he didn't have a good defense on my grades, so he was like have you taken chemistry yet? And I'm a junior at this point?
Speaker 2:And I was like ah, dropped it, actually kind of conflicted with something else I was doing and I haven't picked it back up and he's like well, you can't get college admission in the state of Texas If you haven't taken chemistry. And I went, okay, I was like, so they chemistry? I guess I don like so, but how do I go to college? Like, I need your help. I have no one to talk to. My sister's, the first person to graduate high school in my entire family ever. I'm a fifth generation Texan, like 1860. I'm, there's been one, I'll be number two. Like help me. And he goes. You know, you're just really not college material.
Speaker 2:Ricky, I'm going to actually take you off of the current path you're on and we're going to put you on this like work release program where you'll come to school half a day. You have a job, don't you? And I'm like, yeah, I have to. Like I work at a grocery store, you know, stacking groceries and stuff. And he's like, okay, well, then I'll give you more time to work on it. Wow, yes, sir, it would. And I said, well, yes, sir, it would. And I said, well then, what do I do? And he goes well, I think you should probably think about automotive technician school.
Speaker 1:This is your counselor telling you this yeah, yeah and I went.
Speaker 2:Why would I do that?
Speaker 2:I said I don't know how to work on a car and I have nobody teach me that shit and um and he goes I just think that's really more your speed, son, and I went and then I realized what he was doing and I said okay, sir, you know what? Thank you Really appreciate your time. I'm going to get back to class. And so when I walked out of there, kevin walking down the hallway, I'm just shaking my little head because I'm in disbelief, I'm like I can't, I couldn't catch a break. It was freaking contagious, you know, and I'm like you know what? F him? Screw that guy, like I'm going to college. So I went chemistry be damned. I got in. As I get in, I worked full-time southwest texas state baby, now texas, we're alone.
Speaker 2:Southwest, very southwest Hell yeah, had so much fun. I had a 1.8 that first semester. We won't talk about that, but I ended up graduating with honors and I sat there at my graduation ceremony at Strahan Coliseum, which I know you're familiar with. Yes, sir, I'm looking at my honors cord and I'm like I'm going to find that MF and I'm going to choke the life out of him with these cords Because I still had just a little bit of that redneck in me. And then I thought no, no, no, no, no, I haven't yet to begin, I'm going to go make something out of my life. Then I'm going to choke him with these damn cords Trying to railroad me you know that son of a bitch, but trying to railroad me.
Speaker 1:You know that, son of a bitch. But here's the thing, and you and I are also similar in this. Okay, you took that and you know we always have choices, Ricky, and they're always presented to us, you know, in the master plan.
Speaker 2:And the choice.
Speaker 1:the choices that you were given that day were well, okay, I could just go to mechanic school and become an automotive technician, or I could prove this guy wrong. Well, that's what I do with my dad. My dad told me at 13, I'll never amount to anything. And okay, there's my choice. The bar is set low. I can amount to nothing, or I can say no, you know what, fuck you, I'm going to cram it up your fucking ass and I'm going to be as successful as I can be. And that's what ended up happening.
Speaker 1:You know, and, but this kind of I don't want to interrupt your backstory, but this kind of leads me to where you, and especially in your book Accepting Truth, finding Hope, can help a lot of people. As a radio broadcaster for 30 years, my dad only measured success by the numbers on your paycheck how many are there and how much have you accumulated. And that became my motivation for a long time. Okay, and that became my identity, this broadcaster, okay, and one of the things that I struggle with now is being retired. What is my new purpose? Because I don't see it, ricky.
Speaker 2:You know, all my life I thought and I bet you did too If I strive just hard enough, man, if I accomplish this, if I get those two commas in that paycheck, you know, then people are going to love me. They're going to have to say I was wrong about Ricky, I was wrong about Kevin, right I. And then they're going to say, no, that that guy does have worth, there is purpose in him and we were wrong. And they're all going to throw a fucking party for us and that never happens. No, no, it doesn't. You know you may never get that affirmation that you really actually deserve and beyond deserve need from those people that you've been on that rat wheel striving for that acceptance from.
Speaker 2:And what I shared with this young man was that I said OK, I know you've been hurt by people in your life, We've talked about that and I'm trying to help you unpack those boxes. And I know that's difficult to understand what is the box, what's in it and how to get the shit out. I said I understand that too. It took me forever to figure it out, so we're going to scratch the surface together before we ever do anything. I said but the thing that I need you to understand is that, as a man, if you run around with no smile on your face and everything you do is an emotional, passionate response, then all you are is a hothead because you are out of control. I said now you know what I did for a living. I said I'm a trained killer. I know how to do really horrible things to people to get them to submit to my authority if I want them to. So I could probably win just about any damn argument.
Speaker 2:I said but I don't do that. I said you know why I don't do that? I said because it's one word. It's one word called meek. Are you familiar with the word meek? Meek is not weak. You see, when you have bravado and you're out there puffing your chest and motherfucking people and punching people in the face, I said that's weakness, because that's your strength out of control, whereas meekness. Jesus said the meek will inherit the earth. Yes, he did. You see God in the form of man, let people spit in his face, beat the living shit out of him, and he never once hit them back. That's meek, that's not weak. He could have destroyed them with a thought. Instead, he loved them and gave them grace.
Speaker 2:And what I told this young man was. I said you've got to live your life from a place of meekness. And if people want to yell at you and scream at you, don't adopt their emotions. You just sit there, wait till the pregnant pause and then say you know what? It seems like you're upset with me and I'd love to have a constructive conversation, but I don't think it's going to happen with this yelling. So could we just take a moment to cool down? I'm going to go calm down myself. I said you just excuse yourself. That's how you put boundaries up and then you come back and say hey, are you ready to finish this conversation? I'd love to resolve it.
Speaker 2:And I said and your goal is always two-pronged, it's resolution, not about being right. I don't care who's right. It's about resolving the conflict and then resuming the relationship. It's about resolving the conflict and then resuming the relationship. And if you go into conflict with those two things in mind, then you won't get caught up in who's right and who's wrong and I want to win the argument and fuck you. It'll be about. I want to resolve the issue so that we can go back to being in this relationship together, whether it be friendship whether it be romantic, whether it be child, you know business, whatever it is.
Speaker 2:But but it's these things that I never learned, Kevin. No one taught me this shit. God is the one who taught me this shit, okay, and it's why I know it's my job to teach it to others. But you see, I gave my dad and my mom a hall pass all those years and say, well, they never knew, they never did, no, they never fucking tried. And so I took my hall pass back and I said it's unfortunate that you didn't take a stand for me and this family. But you know what, come hell or high water, I am taking a stand for this family and here are my new rules for engagement and how we're going to do relationship, and if you can't abide by them, then you're going to have to go. And unfortunately, that's what had to happen. I had to. They're not in my life anymore and I had to mourn that it wasn't what I wanted. But I can't let toxicity be in my world and then say that I have a healthy mental mindset.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I've actually spoken to two guests on the Fuzzy Mike before, Akemiya Deadweiler, who's written a book, and then a guy in Austin Texas. He's a mindset coach, Bobby Sexton and both of them have said exactly what you just said. It doesn't matter how close the relationship is supposed to be, If they're toxic people, you can't have them in your life.
Speaker 2:No, they have to find healing, and if they're not, if they're unwilling to do the hard work, well then maybe they just need to not be in your orbit If you want to be healthy, otherwise they're going to just it'll be. You're gonna have a trauma response constantly, and I knew I was going to have and I already was having trauma responses.
Speaker 1:So if you do that, you you excommunicate these people from your life. How do you not look upon yourself as hey man? Maybe I'm being selfish.
Speaker 2:That's a good question and I'm going to answer it. I think simply, and that is is it selfish to know your worth? Is it selfish to ask someone else to value you because you know your worth? Is it selfish to ask someone else to value you because you know your worth? And is it selfish to say I'm just asking that you not betray me, I'm just asking that you not treat me like shit. Right, let's be authentic and real with one another in a healthy way, and if we can do that, kevin, then we can be in relationship. But if you're unwilling, if you're just going to treat me like a surrogate bitch and you're just going to try to put me in my place and you're just going to tell me that I'm always wrong and you're never going to take any accountability, we don't have a relationship anyway. Who's being selfish in the equation?
Speaker 1:How do we know our worth? How do we define our worth?
Speaker 2:in the equation. How do we know our worth? How do we define our worth? Man, that's a damn good question. So the way it happened for me okay was that I had, I was about to embark on this thing called Quest. Quest is where I literally walked with Jesus for like nine hours one day, and those of you who don't believe the way I believe you can probably think this guy just lost me. He's crazy, I am crazy. I used to fucking go into doors where people had guns and I was smiling. But I'm telling you, this shit happened and it radically changed my life. Yeah, I didn't grow up in church, so why would he pick me to be the guy he wants to hang out with one Saturday? Fuck, I don't know. But he did Right.
Speaker 2:And but before I went on that event I had, I was, I was in my second marriage. My first marriage had fallen apart. I had 18 affairs that I know of more than that, but I that's what I counted Um and I was just a train wreck, you know. Um and the second marriage, you know, the pendulum swung the other direction and that was just a whole different type of train wreck. And I was grappling with so many things. I was making the best money I've ever had in my life. I had over $100,000 in my checking account. I thought that I had all the things that would make me happy, and I was miserable Because I couldn't answer one question make me happy. And I was miserable because I couldn't answer one question. I didn't know who I was. You see, since God took that badge off my chest in 2009 and he took away my identity, I was left asking the question who am I? But I was still striving for the acceptance of others. I was hanging on to an old identity because, well, I'm a former this and that and I'm still a badass. Right? Everybody affirmed that I'm still a badass and I make a lot of money. So, obviously, I have security and I've got a hot wife and I got a great kid and she's got two pretty cool kids, and so my purpose, obviously, is to keep fucking rocking this cool life that I've got. Oh, my God, no, but see, that's where I was.
Speaker 2:I didn't know what I didn't know, and so I go on this thing called encounter, and it was the first time I had ever confessed every sin that I've ever done. I was just a powder keg and I had this opportunity at this event to just walk into a room with men that I didn't know and go. I don't give a shit what y'all think about me, but I got to say some things before I lose it. And I just opened up the kimono and I thought these men are going to kick me out of this house after I give you my confession. They ain't seen a sinner like me. And man, I put it all out there and I just went ooh, see how that shit goes. Second guy gets up there. It's like he read my script. Third guy same. Fourth guy same 10 guys. Every one of them came up to me afterwards and said thank you, because had you not done that, there's no way in hell I'd have the courage to do it. Wow, and I went holy shit, okay, well, that's not going the way I thought it was going to go.
Speaker 2:And so then I learned a few things during that time from the guy who was the, the kind of the senior pastor guy who was kind of leading the event. Well, we were staying at this house that I don't even know where I was even at, but some house that was hosting it and the only place that was left. When I got there, for me to sleep was in a closet, with a mattress on the floor and Christmas decorations all in this closet. And this closet was small, kevin, I grew up this way I slept on the fucking couch, I didn't have a bed, and I'm like, really, this is what we're going. Do you know? I'm looking to heaven. I was like whatever, so we get done. I go up into my little room, my closet, close the door, my whole 200 square feet. I guess that I had my mattress and a fucking christmas tree that I wanted to throw out a window, but there wasn't one one, and so it was like I love Christmas, but I resent the shit out of it. You know what I mean.
Speaker 2:So I'm sitting there, I have my Bible and I had started getting kind of this prophetic gifting, if you want to call it that, where I hear the voice of God. I don't, it's not out loud, I'm not crazy, but there's this second voice. It's thoughts that I'm not thinking okay, and I'm not thinking Okay, and I've finally figured out how to understand when it's him and when it's the enemy, and I'm not a hundred percent, but I'm pretty good at discerning it. Well, on this night I was not good at discerning it. Because I'm asking the Lord.
Speaker 2:I'm like, okay, give me a verse like show me where to go in your word. Like I want to know this stuff, show me where to go. And I want to understand you better. Like I'm just, I'm fucking lost and I would hear, you know whatever the verse I heard, I would turn to it and it would be God's wrath from Old Testament stuff, you know, like where he's just annihilating somebody. And I'm like, see, I knew you fucking hated me. And then I'd say, okay, can we try another one? And then another one would be the same thing. And it was just over and over and over. I realize now that was not God, that was the enemy trying to do what Discourage me.
Speaker 1:Of course.
Speaker 2:Right Knock it down.
Speaker 2:It did. It discouraged the shit out of me to the point that I'm sitting there and I finally say these words that had needed to be said at that point, probably for 37 years, okay, and that was fuck. Fuck. I don't know who I am, but I don't care about that. I want to know who do you say I am? That's the question. I asked the living God. And I'm sitting there, kevin, I had my Bible on my knee, because I'm squatted in this little position, because I'm in this little big fucking space and the Bible literally just flies off my knee, and I don't know how it happened. I didn't touch it, it just jumped off my knee and all my papers went everywhere. But what I haven't shared with y'all I'm a type A freak of fucking nature. Okay, I like everything organized well, I had everything in its place. I didn't know where it was at, but it was in its place, okay.
Speaker 2:So I started picking up my papers and I'm cussing a blue streak and I'm slamming them in the bible, motherfucking you know this and that. And I had this postcard that meant a lot to me and I had it in a special place, but I didn't know what the special place was, but it was where it was supposed to be and so it was no longer there. When I saw that I just lost it and I picked that postcard up. I randomly opened my Bible. I slammed that in there. I slammed it closed. I don't recommend this next thing. But I looked to heaven. I gave God the middle finger. But I looked to heaven, I gave God the middle finger and I said, fuck you, I'm going to bed. And I woke up the next morning and I went uh, I would like to retract the fuck you. Um, and I'm sorry, I should not speak to you that way. I should not act that way. I don't know what's wrong with me, besides a lot, and I just want to start over. And so I picked my Bible up, I resumed my little squatted position and I opened it up. And it opened to the postcard, naturally because it was the biggest thing in the book Right, and I start seeing things on the right side of the page. That's talking about backsliding. It's in Psalms, and I was like, well, that's me. You're fucking talking to my dumb ass, you know. Know, I'm a backsliding piece of shit, you know. And so I think that was the word that god had for me. No, no, it wasn't well.
Speaker 2:It was probably a year or more later, okay, where I had now entered into a relationship where five o'clock every morning, I was spending time with god doing two-way journaling, where I would talk to him and he would talk back and I'd write it all down. And some of it was so prophetic that when the shit happened, I about fell out of my fucking shoes. And other times where I was like, maybe that'll happen in 30 years, I don't know, and some of it was him rebuking me, telling me you know, quit being so hard on your daughter, you got to leave with grace and just trying to help me become a man. He was being a dad to me, okay, and I was getting to write it all down and do this with him. And one day I set up my bar in my kitchen and I didn't have my Bible, but I had my journal and I started a journal and I went, very proud of myself, like I remembered something.
Speaker 2:You never answered my question. And he goes yes, I did, and I went. You don't even know what question I'm talking about because I haven't told you yet. And he was like really I'm God and I went. You never answered my question. He said yes, I did, and I went no, you didn't. And he said you know what your problem is, and I went oh, where do we begin?
Speaker 2:There are so many of those, lord. And I went what now? What problem. He goes. You always begin at the end of things. You never begin at the beginning of things. And I went you know what your problem is? You talk to me in riddles and I don't understand this shit. And he went silent, he went quiet and I went oh, come on, don't do that to me, come back, I'm sorry. And so I just started dissecting that. What does that mean? Well, I remembered, okay, what was the question that I asked. I used my investigative brain and I began to reverse engineer everything. So I mean, I'd solve a case.
Speaker 2:So I came in here and grabbed my Bible and I was like, okay, when I asked that question, I was in that closet. And so I came in here, got my Bible and it opened up right where that postcard was, and I was like, yep, that's where I put that son of a bitch. So end of things. What does that mean? Well, I immediately looked to the right-hand side of the page and I was like oh, yeah, I remember that backsliding stuff, that's right. I thought that was my word. That wasn't. It was it? Nope, because that's the end of things, that's the right side of the page. So what's the left side of the page? I looked and I literally with my finger at the bottom all the way to the top.
Speaker 2:The top of the page in the Bible that I was looking at was Psalm 2, 7. And the verse said therefore, I declare the decree today, you are my son, ask of me the nations and I'll give them to you as an inheritance. I cried my fucking eyes out because I my question was who do you say I am to you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He said you're my son. Wow, that's who you are. And I went okay, I don't know what that means. I've never been a son. No-transcript.
Speaker 2:I keep my hands off of them. And so I was like I think you got the wrong guy. And he's like no, I didn't. And he said you're going to write a book, you're going to write movies, you're going to teach and you're going to preach. I'm like you keep telling me that that doesn't make any sense, like I don't know what that means. And so, kevin, he then ended up giving me four words that led to the book, but it was again over another couple of years.
Speaker 1:Like none of this stuff happened when I wanted it to, I said a lot of shit well, no, it doesn't happen the way that or on the timeline that you want it to, because it ain't your timeline.
Speaker 2:And this life is not about us.
Speaker 1:What is it about?
Speaker 2:It's about God. Okay, so, a creator, think about this. You are your creator in your own right. You are creating a podcast, You're creating a show. You want to have something to offer to your audience. That's going to do what One capture their attention, teach them something, give them something that they can then work from right. The Bible describes God as a potter and that we are his clay. So he is just molding a creation with us, and the whole point of that creation that he is creating, much like you as the podcaster, is to have a podcast that you are proud of and that you want people to see and hear and enjoy. And that's us for him.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Everything we do is for his glory, not for ours, and what we mistake is that when bad things are happening to us this side of eternity, we think well, he must be mad at me, Otherwise he wouldn't do this to me, that's always my first thought, and it's always my first thought.
Speaker 2:But see, that's not the way he sees it. You see, he tells us my ways are not your ways and don't lean on your own understanding, because you don't get me. So here's what. Here's how God looks at it. He allows bad things to happen in our life to do what? To teach us? He's teaching us because he loves us and some of us myself specifically are hardheaded. I learn only when it's really tough. I don't learn from success. I get a big fucking head, but take everything away from me and watch me grow.
Speaker 2:And so what God sees is that we are bitching going. I don't know why you're doing this. I don't like this. This isn't fun. Da da, da da. Father, you don't love me. I thought you were good. Why would you let this happen?
Speaker 2:And we're going down that talk track and he looks at it and goes well, bad things make you grow. That seems like that's good. Very true, because your life isn't here for you to be comfortable and to be a billionaire. Your life is here so you can learn, you can grow, you can discover that God is the reason that you're here. You can enter into that relationship with him.
Speaker 2:Fuck the rules, guys. I don't give a shit about the rules, nor does he. He thumbed his nose at them. Read all the red letter stuff and you'll figure that out. And then, when you finally hit that stride where you have that relationship with him, you'll start to realize that all of the backdrop of our life is preparing us for the purpose. But if we don't allow those bad things to make us better, if we allow them to make us bitter, then guess what? You got some more bad shit coming until you figure out it's to make you better. So get off the bitter train. Figure out that there is a God that is bigger than you. And if you don't believe me, you don't have to. But I just meant for consideration. Go on YouTube and look up near death experiences and start listening to stories of people who tell the same thing with 10 different faiths, about what they encounter when they had their near-death experience. It's fucking fascinating.
Speaker 1:Well, your story proves that there is a higher power, a God. Okay, and, like you just said, people don't necessarily have to believe what we believe, because I know people who are atheists and I know people who are agnostic, but they still do believe that the universe has some sort of power, which I think that's awesome for them. Okay, but but you have had we haven't even talked about the biggest miracle in your life, but you've had. You've already talked about two miracles that happened in your life. The book just flies off and then you open it up and you start where the postcard is. You start reading on the left hand side. That's a miracle. Before we get to the biggest miracle of your life and the one that just has my jaw dropping, I want to ask you, when you were in that group session and you opened up, what is it about telling our story? What is it about opening up that frees us?
Speaker 2:Well, think about our solar system for a minute. How many rocks are out there? Enough for each of us to have our own? Why are we all on one Relationship? Why did God allow me to go through so much shit? He told me in one word.
Speaker 2:He finally answered that question for me, and you know what the word he told me was kevin uh love relatable oh you see, I'm relatable, you're relatable, we all go through shit and and the point of it is that you and I need to be relatable because there's gonna be a time when you're sitting in the mud and you're going to need a guy like me who's not afraid to sit in the mud because I've sat there before and I can come right alongside you and go hey brother, I love you. I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm sorry that shit sucks right now and I'm not going to tell you, you know, a bunch of pie-in-the-scout bullshit. I'm just going to sit here in the mud with you. If you want to talk about it, let's talk. If you don't, let's just sit here and be muddy.
Speaker 2:The fact that I was molested, I didn't tell Just recently. I started opening up about this At 22, I was raped, sodomized by a guy who drugged me and I woke up during that act. I've been physically abused, verbally abused. There's not a whole lot of shit that hasn't happened to me and God told me. I didn't do these to you, I did them for you. So you would be relatable because I want you to go into the valley.
Speaker 2:The verse says yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. And he said the problem is, son, you camped out there and so many people like you have camped out there. He said, but you're not afraid of the valley. The valley are your people. You see, you didn't want to do ministry because you didn't want to be a churchy guy. I don't want to do ministry because you didn't want to be a churchy guy. I don't want you being a churchy guy, I want you in the valley.
Speaker 2:Those people don't think I can love them, but you have a hard story to tell. Yeah, you do. And and how does your story end? God loves me, he fucking loves me. I'm his boy, I'm his fucking boy. Yeah, and I get to go and sit in the mud with people, kevin, and go. I'm sorry, I know what that means and sometimes I'll be like you don't understand and I'm like, try me. Well, this happened to me. You won't believe it, but fucking happened to me too. You know, and when you have a camaraderie, when you have relat, people then are more willing to listen to your Jesus story. But they're not willing to listen to a God who loves them from a person standing on a corner screaming at people that they're going to fucking hell if they don't repent. Give me a break. Jesus never did that. He did what. He got down in the mud with people, yeah, and just said do you want me to heal you? I'll meet you where you are. Think about it. It's fucking love, you know.
Speaker 1:So my guest is Ricky Sluder. You can get Ricky's book Accepting Truth, finding Hope. But do you feel a pressure? Do you feel the weight of that responsibility?
Speaker 2:No, no. The only time I feel the weight of the responsibility is when I'm not doing it.
Speaker 2:Okay, you know, when I get depressed is when I isolate. You know, when I feel sorry for myself is when I'm not in community, when I'm not doing this. This is my purpose, and if I never make a dime from it, that's not the point. Yeah, look, originally I thought, yay, I'm going to be a bestselling author. I give them away now, you know, because I had to realize that I got to get my fucking ego out of the way. This isn't about me. This is about you and the other use out there who are hurting, and you need someone to talk to. Fucking. Call me Ricky, I can't afford it, so call me anyway.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's like the old Johnny Cash line. You know, rich man is a pauper at times, compared to the man with a satisfied mind.
Speaker 2:Yeah, 100%, yeah 100%.
Speaker 1:That seems like a really good place to stop this part of the conversation, because the next part of the conversation is a completely different direction and we'll get that next week. You won't want to miss that one. Thank you for listening or watching. If you'd be so kind, please give the Fuzzy Mike a rating comment, like, follow or subscribe and share the podcast with family, friends, heck, even enemies. To stay connected with the Fuzzy Mike, you can follow me on Instagram, facebook and Twitter, or simply email me at thefuzzymike at gmailcom.
Speaker 1:The Fuzzy Mike is hosted and produced by Kevin Kline. Production elements by Zach Sheesh at the Radio Farm. Social media director is Trish Kline. Every Wednesday, we give you a brand new episode of the Tuttle Kline podcast. We record those on Monday, so I have the benefit of already recording and I know what this week sounds like. It is uproariously funny. Definitely don't want to miss that. Every Wednesday, the Tuttle Kline podcast brand new episode. Next Tuesday, right here on the Fuzzy Mike, we'll hear part two of our conversation with today's guest, ricky Sluder. He shares the details of the biggest miracle to ever happen in his life. I know the story. It is riveting. You don't want to miss it. So grateful for you. Thank you so much for listening. See you next week. That's it for the Fuzzy Mike. Thank you. The Fuzzy Mike with Kevin Kline.