The Fuzzy Mic
After retiring from a 30-year, major market morning radio career, I'm often asked what I miss the most about the job. I miss 3 C's...camaraderie, creativity but most of all, conversation.
The Fuzzy Mic is built around creativity and conversation to develop camaraderie. The 4 focus areas are: Mental Health, True Crime, Music and Sports.
So, while The Fuzzy Mic allows me to fill some professional voids, it's my sincere hope that maybe you'll find something personally fulfilling in it too.
The Fuzzy Mic
Miracles Amidst Chaos: A Story of Faith and Healing (Ricky Sluder Part 2)
Have you ever been crippled by lies told to you as a child, shaping your actions and self-worth? Ricky Sluder, former special criminal investigator and now life coach, returns to The Fuzzy Mic to unpack the "anatomy of a stronghold."
Ricky bravely shares his own battles with self-destructive behaviors fueled by childhood lies and the quest for validation through high-stakes performance in law enforcement. His story is a testament to the power of addressing these harmful beliefs to reclaim one’s true identity and purpose.
Ricky also takes us on a spiritual odyssey, recounting a life-altering prophecy from a mysterious waitress, the tragic loss of his best friend killed in the line of duty, and the turmoil in his marriage. This emotional rollercoaster led him to confront God and discover a deeper faith and purpose amid chaos. Ricky's raw honesty in facing personal struggles and infidelity offers a poignant reflection on the transformative power of faith, even in the darkest times.
The journey continues with the heart-wrenching medical crises of Ricky's daughter, Kylie. From a challenging prenatal diagnosis and a series of miraculous recoveries to life-saving advocacy during critical surgeries, Ricky’s experiences underscore the importance of faith, resilience, and relentless advocacy in medical care. As Kylie defied all odds, Ricky's deepened understanding of faith reveals a powerful narrative of hope and transformation. Join us for this compelling conversation that promises to leave you inspired by the miracles found in the depths of adversity.
Hello and thank you for joining me on this episode of the Fuzzy Mike. Last week we met Ricky Sluder, author of the book Accepting Truth, finding Hope Now. Previously, ricky served the state of Texas as a special criminal investigator. He was a hostage and crisis negotiator and he was attached to an FBI task force out of Dallas. During his law enforcement career, he developed an interview and interrogation methodology that led to an impressive and incredible 98% confession rate. Now Ricky's a life coach and he helps people identify, overcome and grow from negative life circumstances, and he often draws upon his own personal childhood trauma.
Speaker 2:The feedback from last week's episode with Ricky it was astounding. Desi wrote that the conversation was just what she needed to start her day and Brenda shared that she was amazed by episode one and couldn't wait for the second part with Ricky, which is what you're getting today. Last week we learned about Ricky's traumatic upbringing and the emotional scars that childhood abandonment and murder left on him, but we also learned of Ricky's spirituality and the role God plays in his well-being. Ricky shared with us stories of his miraculous events, but we didn't get the story of the most significant miracle that has happened in his life. But before we get to that in part two with Ricky Sluder, I asked him to explain a term he coined called anatomy of a stronghold.
Speaker 3:So everything we talked about remember earlier you were talking about how you know your dad. He shared things just because he didn't know how to share them. Right, and it was he expected you to be a certain thing, and then, when you weren't well, now you're a piece of shit. Well, wouldn't you agree?
Speaker 2:that's a lie uh, I like you're not a piece of shit, are you?
Speaker 3:sometimes I feel like it okay, I didn't ask you how you felt, I ask you what you are no, I don't think so yeah.
Speaker 3:So here's the thing. The anatomy of a stronghold goes like this we buy the lies that people tell us, and when we buy the lies, it's easier to believe the lie than it is to believe the truth. And we just did that little exercise, right? Yeah, we did, and you're leaning more on the lie. It's easier to believe. We all do that, by the way, every fucking one of us. Don't let anybody tell you well, you're just so unique that God can't love you. Bullshit, we're all the same. So we buy the lie. And when we buy the lie, we then form a belief Okay. And when we form a belief, it becomes a belief system, okay. And then from that belief system, or that belief that we have formed, we now act upon it. So what does that mean?
Speaker 3:Ricky was told when he was a little boy that Ricky was a pussy and that he was a candy ass and that he would never measure up to anything. Okay, so I believed that I didn't like it, but I believed it. And then I formed a belief that that was true about me. And then what was my action? Well, my action was twofold. One I longed for love so much that I thought that I could find it through sex, because if somebody was willing to have sex with me, then that must mean that they loved me, because I thought the two were the same. And they're not. And that was me being a boy, you know, and then becoming a man and still holding on to things that were childish, which Paul tells us not to do in the New Testament. But, that aside, we all do it. And so what else happened? Well, the other part of it was, since I bought the lie and formed the belief, I then had a chip on my shoulder and then it was well, yeah, let me show you, let me go strive for the acceptance of you and everybody else and I'll go do performance wheel measures, and I'll make damn sure that when I'm wearing my tactical uniform and kicking a door down and I take a bullet in the face, it'll be my magnum opus of fuck you, you were wrong about me. I died a goddamn hero. Where are you at now?
Speaker 3:You see, that's the kind of shit that we end up doing as a result of buying a lie that I was told when I was a little boy end up doing as a result of buying a lie that I was told when I was a little boy. It becomes poison, it becomes an infection, and if you don't deal with the infection, it will keep you sick forever, right? So buy the lie. Form. The belief leads to the action. That is the anatomy of a stronghold, and every single one of us do it. We just have different mechanisms by which we act upon it. Some people have retail therapy, some people are sex addicts, some people are alcoholics. Some people are drug addicts. Some people are just narcissistic assholes that are impossible to be around. Right, every one of us is working from that place of woundedness. Have you ever been around a wounded animal? Absolutely, I hate it. Yeah, can you get close to them?
Speaker 3:No no no, you can't wonder why we can't get close to one another, cause we're all fucking wounded man, yeah, and it's just like that wounded dog that you just want to help them. But they're going to snarl and they're going to bite at you because they don't want you to hurt them. Right, that's what we do. We don't want to be hurt anymore. And so we snarl and we bite and we lash out, or we have thoughts of, in some cases, homicidal ideation, suicidal ideation or just plain, I'm just going to go destroy my entire life by smoking crack, fucking whores, whatever it is right. That makes you feel your dopamine release, that makes you feel normal for at least five seconds.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the example that you said. You know, getting shot in the face, that would be your magnus opus. Uh, the way, the way that I compensated for, uh, my lack of self-worth and getting the salary that I was, was I would overwork and I was a, yes man. You know, I, if I worked my normal hours, there was no way.
Speaker 2:I deserved what, what I was being paid. But if I worked double that and volunteered for jobs all the time and never said no, maybe I deserve it. So yours was an extreme case. Mine was much, much more lower key, but it was the same excuse. It was the same reason.
Speaker 3:And I've done that too. When I got out of law enforcement, I began doing consulting work and I traveled. I never told people no. I was in five states in one week one time, because I didn't have the balls enough to just say no, that's too much.
Speaker 2:Because you think that's what you're supposed to do, because that's what you're used to.
Speaker 3:Right, I wanted them to think that I was worth keeping, and if I wasn't willing to kill myself, then why would I be worth keeping around?
Speaker 2:Yep, but that's exactly my thought process. I want you to introduce the biggest miracle in your life that I know of anyway, and how it completely changed you as a person.
Speaker 3:So I'm going to. I'm going to definitely get there, but I got to tell two quick. Please use stories. To get to that point, 22 years old, I had um, I was in a bar, I was about to leave to go to Texas DPS, to be a state trooper, and I'm drinking with buddies because, you know, texas State baby, that's what we do. And so, yeah, I was not drunk though, but anyway, I see this hot-ass waitress out of the corner of my eye and so I tell my buddies Ricky will be right back.
Speaker 3:So I stand out of a group and she walks right up to me and she's carrying a. She has this red shirt on, gorgeous, and she has this tray that she has. That she's carrying and it's got napkins and a pen. No water rings from a drink, no beer, no cigarette ash trays, nothing, just a pen and and napkins. And she has a tray and she walks up to me. She doesn't ask me if I want to drink.
Speaker 3:The conversation turns immediately to God, and we began having a conversation about the Almighty, and God had began downloading poetry into me at that time. Okay, and this is important for the story, I'm going to tell you here in a minute One of the poems that he had given me was one called oh, what a Day. That'll Be Okay. And so I take a napkin she's holding the tray and I'm treating it like it's a damn bar, you know and I write this whole poem on a napkin and I spin it around so she could read it and I slide it to her, kevin, she never looked at it. She looked me dead in the eyes and she said I know you will be a minister, but it won't be until you're in your forties. And I literally took a step back and started laughing because I thought ain't no way.
Speaker 3:I think at that time I was probably fucking a married woman, you know. And so I hit my buddy on the shoulder and I'm like you got to hear this shit. And he's like what? And I said this waitress just told me I'm going to be a minister. And that's fucking hilarious. She was gone Like a fart in the wind, gone. And he goes Ricky, dude, you're drunk. You were just standing there staring at the bar, you weren't talking to anybody, and I went fuck you, dude. Yes, I was. This is what she looked like. This is what she said. Like I said I'm going to find her Heaven.
Speaker 3:I walked that whole bar. I was like a crazy man. I even went into the women's restroom and was knocking open stall doors, like because I had to find her and I couldn't. And I left there that night knowing full fucking well what had happened, Like that was not me being drunk, that wasn't a dream, I was sober. But I didn't equate it to angelic for probably another decade and a half. I realize now that was a messenger sent to me from God and he was telling me I'm giving you these things for a reason, son. I know you don't know who you are yet, I know it doesn't make any damn sense, but I know you'll pay attention to a hot chick. So here you go. I got your attention right.
Speaker 3:So then, not too long after that, a few years after that, my best friend was killed in the line of duty. Kurt David Knapp, a state trooper in Texas, was killed in Bernie. Texas Wasn't supposed to work that night. As the story always goes, kurt had a beautiful, wonderful wife named Jennifer. They've been together since like sixth grade. They had that storybook romance that I wanted, you know and he had a little girl named Michaela it was three at the time, I think and a little boy named Wyatt. I believe Wyatt was around one and Kurt had a mom who loved him, a dad who loved him. He had ever hit the world by the fucking tail and he gets killed on a night. He wasn't even supposed to be working.
Speaker 3:And it's the first time, kevin, that I went into the throne room of God and I kicked the fucking door open and I told God he got the wrong guy. I've been trying to get off this goddamn marble and you take the one man who everybody loves. Why couldn't you just take me? Nobody gives a shit about me, was my plea to God, and I was so angry at him and I cussed him a blue streak and I told him what an idiot he was. I thumbed my nose at him and I left, and I believe it was that moment when God finally grinned and went.
Speaker 3:I can work with that Now for those of you who are overly religious, you're thinking blasphemy. What the hell are you thinking? Well, gee whiz, I don't know. Read John, chapter 21. And if you don't understand it, get a hold of me. I'll break it down for you. But the point is when we finally get honest with God, which is what Peter did in John 21,. When God said, do you agape love me, which means unconditional love, he replied back I just phileo you, which means I'm just fond of you. And then Jesus said, yeah, go build my church Now. You're ready. You're not an over-the-top zealot anymore, you're real. That was my real moment, kevin, and it made me want to understand, even though it wasn't what I needed to understand, but it was pushing me down a path where I wanted to know why the fuck God did that right.
Speaker 3:So fast forward a few years, eight years in fact. My marriage is falling apart. I mean, what number of fare I'm on at that point, I don't even know. And my wife and I, who are great friends, now agreed that our marriage had always been a sham. I mean shit. The day we got married in Vegas, the lady called me Robert, do you Robert take Amber? Do you Amber take Robert? I had to tell her Ricky both times, like if that's not a sign, I don't know what is. So we finally agree. You know what? We're going to get divorced. We've been playing a good game, but neither one of us are happy. You know, we're just using each other, um, kind of a thing. For whatever reasons we were doing that and then we were told we couldn't have children. Like I'm a stressed out cop who smokes a pack during the half a day, drink too much, chasing too much tail, and then basically I had NASCAR sperm, which I was totally cool with. What does that mean?
Speaker 3:I was going to swim in circles, it's not going to fertilize a damn thing. So I was like, yes, that's my hall pass baby. And so my wife at the time she had a lot of female problems and so she, he just told us that you two can never conceive, like it will never humanly happen, sorry. And I was like gave me the fucking words I wanted to hear. You know, um, only for us to agree to get divorced. She calls me one day after, you know coming home.
Speaker 3:She's like hey, you went to the doctor. I've got an ear infection, sinus infection, I'm pregnant, I'm something else. And I went I'm so sorry, that number three when you're, you're who she's like, yeah, I'm pregnant. And I went how the fuck did that happen? You know? Fuck did that happen, you know? And I said you know what? I'm in bad traffic. I lied, let's talk about when I get home. Hung up the phone and I just lost it.
Speaker 3:I went off on god and and here, here's why I was afraid that this child would have to relive my life, and I didn't want that. I didn't want this kid to hurt the way I hurt, to feel unloved, to have to deal with the shit that I dealt with, and so that's why I was mad at God and I told him that. And then I finally came to myself and I apologized for the way I had been talking to him and I said you know what? I don't know a lot. And I said you know what? I don't know a lot. I don't think we actually make babies as people. I think you just let us enjoy the process. But I think you make life. I think you decide what goes into a womb and what doesn't. Otherwise, how did Jesus end up in one? Yeah Right, so I went. So if that's true and I believe, believe it is then you made this kid. I didn't, which means that you must have a reason that I don't understand. So you know what? You gave me this kid, I give it back to you and you do with this child whatever you want. That's all I know to do, and let me be a better dad than I had. You know, I gotta figure some shit out, so that's kind of where I left it.
Speaker 3:Uh, fast forward, we go in to find out gender, like most parents do, and about week 17, week 19, somewhere in that area. And you know the lady's doing the echo, kevin, and she's like stone cold Steve Austin. You know she's just, I can't get her to smile, for shit. And then she finally looks up. She says the head, arms and legs are not growing properly. There are two heart defects. You're having a girl and I'm sorry, but we can't serve your kind here. I'm going to go get the doctor and he'll need to make a referral to a specialist and I'm just like what?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's a lot to digest, and she said it just like that, I mean like missed personality.
Speaker 3:I sat straight down. I don't even know if the chair was underneath me, but there was one and I was in total, like I don't know what to do with that.
Speaker 3:Well, I'm going to pause there. I'm going to take you back to that poetry stuff I told you about, okay. So when I was about 22 years old, I was in the shower one day sorry for those of you who are getting a visual reference. Years old, I was in the shower one day Sorry for those of you who are getting a visual reference but a poem downloaded in my mind and it was called Dear Mom and it was about abortion and it's the most eloquent thing I've ever written in my life. It is a. I mean, it's a badass poem.
Speaker 2:If you want me to read it, I will Please Let me pull it up. Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 3:I mean you can't leave us hanging like that. All right, that's true, that's true. So this poem, uh. And so we go to this, so we go to the specialist while I'm pulling this up, I'll keep telling the story.
Speaker 3:We go to the specialist and we're right on the border of the uh time period in 2008 for when you can have an abortion in Texas. Okay, I didn't know that, because why the fuck would I? And so we go in, the doctor confirms what the other doctor, you know, already saw, and I was like, yep, uh, you know, the heart right now, there's no, basically your child doesn't have a heart wall between the ventricles or the atria, which means you basically have a two chamber heart, not a four chamber heart. And he says, well, that's, that's bad. Um, he said, and yeah, the dimensions aren't right with the head, arms and legs. We're not sure why, but we'll just do this every week and we'll just tell me figure it out.
Speaker 3:You know, and they did, my daughter has a condition called Ellis von Craveld syndrome, uh, where she has a rare from endorphism which, where she has a rare form of dwarfism, which is why her limbs and her head circumference weren't what they should have been. You know little person. So anyway, so when we have that first visit with that specialist, we leave his area and we were intercepted by, like the social group, you know social work team. They were like hey, we need a decision before your next appointment. I'm like what do you mean a decision about what they said? Well, your child's not going to be viable, so we really recommend that you abort this baby. Like there's a lot of problems and we don't think that even with a natural birth, that the child is going to make it. So, you know, do you and the child a favor and just get rid of it. They didn't say that, but that's what they were saying.
Speaker 2:That's what they're inferring, yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I just was like holy shit, I actually have to give thought to this. I've always said I'm a pro-life guy, you know, because that's the aisle I vote on, and I don't think killing babies is right. But now I have to really fucking make this decision. Like Now, I have to really fucking make this decision. Like this isn't a theory, or sitting around having a beer at a fucking bonfire, this is real life. And holy shit. And all I could think was I don't want my kid to be all fucked up Like who wants that? Nobody, we're honest, you know.
Speaker 3:So I went home, uh, still smoker. My wife was like hey, I'm going to the back porch and I'm going to have a cigarette. I, I'm going on the back porch and I'm going to have a cigarette. I don't give a shit. I went. You know what? At this point does it really matter? Go smoke, have whiskey too. Who cares? You know, like, can't make it worse than it already is.
Speaker 3:So, um, I sit down in my office and something led me to pull this poem up. So here it goes. It's called dear mom. Um, I guess I will never know.
Speaker 3:But what if I had been given the chance to run and play in summer fields of green to make angels in the winter snow, to admire the colors of autumn scene, to smell the spring and winds that blow. I might have been A preacher to save the lost, a writer to place words to pen, a soldier to pay the ultimate cost, or maybe just a sinner to be forgiven of sin. You can never know the love you missed. I would have cried at night and played all day noodle, pasted pictures and hand molds of clay. I would have made you proud with all I had done. You would have been my hero and I your son. But for you I was just a choice and you did what you thought was right. But I wish you could have heard my voice before you aborted me last night, if I could have only formed the words to somehow make you see. But my quill will never write, for this author will never be Damn.
Speaker 2:You wrote that when you were 22?
Speaker 3:Yeah, in 38 seconds, like it just flowed right out. I didn't, it was no thought it wasn't me, it was channeled directly through me. That's an amazing poem. I love that poem, thank you. I tried to give it to focus on the family. I was like 25, because I was like I don't know what to do with this shit. Why would I have this? Somebody needs a benefit from it. I didn't know it was me who needed a benefit from it.
Speaker 3:So I read that poem that day and the moment I read it I went fuck, no, I can't kill. I can't kill this baby. I didn't make this life, I can't take it. And yeah, the doctors are telling me doom and gloom, but I don't care, I won't, I can't do that. So I went on the back porch, I lit a cigarette too, and I said hey, amber, I don't know where you're at on this, but I can't, I can't, I cannot, I can't, I can't, I cannot, I can't end a life before it begins. So where are you at? And she said I can't either. I said thank God, and she said yeah. She said I figured this was going to be a fight one way or the other, and I went, me too. I said but okay, I guess we're keeping our baby Madonna style. So we watched our daughter grow in the womb. It was cool. She was born on St Patrick's Day. So anybody who has leprechaun jokes, remember I'm 6'3", 240 pounds and I will beat your ass. So St Patrick's Day is coming around and we do a C-section, and so she's born that day, march 17, 2008. Well, when she's born, they whisk her off to NICU.
Speaker 3:Amber goes to another wing of the hospital and I go to the NICU. I scrub in, I go and I'm getting reaching the incubator and touch my little girl. And she's holding my finger, kevin, and I'm just, oh, smitten, kitten, you know. And I'm like, finally, finally, kitten, you know. And I'm like, finally, finally, someone who's going to love me, someone who's going to love me for no reason other than she'll just love me. I'll be daddy and man.
Speaker 3:I was just over the moon with that thought in my mind and she's just holding my little finger and all of a sudden, this cardiologist neonatal cardiologist walks in and he's like Mr Sluder and I said, yes, sir, and he goes. Can I talk to you? I went, yeah, yeah, what's up, he goes. Your daughter does not have two heart defects. Pregnant pause. That went way too long. She has four.
Speaker 3:And I went dude, who the fuck lets you talk to people? Because, oh my God, why would you tell me that way? He just looks at me like I'm an idiot. He's like I was like nevermind. Clearly you don't get what I'm putting down.
Speaker 3:So what are the other two? I know about two of them. He said, yeah, there's no septum, it's called atrial septal defect and ventricular septal defect. There's no septum between the atria or the ventricles, he said. And then there's also a mitral. Her mitral valve is perforated so there is a bunch of backwash of blood because the one of the valve closes, it bounces back open and so the blood is just coming back in to the chamber, he said. And then there's a membrane that is blocking her pulmonary vein, so she's not getting adequate blood flow.
Speaker 3:And so I was like, well, that doesn't sound like good news. And so I was like, what does all that mean? Like you know, and he goes, oh, she'll go into congestive heart failure at three weeks old and she'll die. And I went, dude, seriously, like why would you tell me that? I said. I said, okay, let's workshop that real quick. Like you can't do heart surgery, we can't get a heart transplant, like, come on, it's 2008,. You know like modern medicine and shit, like maybe we'll do something.
Speaker 3:And he goes do you think I can get a heart in three weeks? I'm like I don't know, gotta ask, I'm just throwing out stuff, like I don't know, Gotta ask, I'm just throwing out stuff, like I don't know. And he said I told you, sir, there's nothing I can do for her. My recommendation is that you spend as much time with her as you can, because the moment her he said look, when you're born, your lungs are not fully developed. The moment her lungs fully develop, which is about three weeks after birth, her lungs are going to become overflowing with blood flow and she will be congestive and she will drown in her own fluid. And I can't stop it. And I went okay enough, I got it, thank you, he leaves. And I'm like, really Really, okay enough, I got it, thank you, he leaves. And I'm like, really Really, I was just celebrating the fact that I'm finally going to have somebody who fucking loves me for just loving me, for just being me, not for anything that I do or provide or anything else, and now you're going to fucking take that away from me. That's awesome, fuck.
Speaker 3:Now I got to go tell her mother, who hasn't even held her Jesus. So I cowboy up and I walk out and I remembered my family had come you know be there for the birth, and so did her mom and dad and sister and stuff. So they're all out there in the waiting room. So I go out there and I'm like, hey, nothing but bad news. Uh, so let me tell you very briefly nothing but bad news. So let me tell you very briefly Kylie's going to die and nothing they can do. And so I got to go tell Amber this. So I'll be right back. So I go find her. I don't know where she's at. I had to hunt her down in the hospital. And I get there, we cry our eyes out. Then her family comes up to her and spend time with her. I go, ok, I'll go spend time with my family, you know, down there. And I get to the waiting room and they're all gone, wow. And I sat in the empty chairs and I just kind of looked around. I said, well, fuck, I guess I'll do this by myself too, you know. So um went back in.
Speaker 3:I spent every chance I could with Kylie about 1am onm on Tuesday I realized, fuck Monday. We got here at 5 am. My dogs have not been outside since 4.30 Monday morning. I was like I'm an asshole, damn it. So I haul ass home, let my dogs out. I come back. The cardiologist had done an echo. I watched, I watched where the blood flowed. I had done that for 19 weeks in utero and so it was just the same test being redone right Tuesday same thing Wednesday same thing, except I went and let my dogs out earlier.
Speaker 3:I came back about 6 pm. My daughter's gone. Incubator is empty, empty. All the edifices of little cute little kylie thing in her footprint, all that shit, everything's gone. And I just like melted in my boots because I'm like, oh my god, she died. A fucking child died while I went to let my dogs take a shit like I'm never gonna forgive myself that I wasn't here.
Speaker 3:And so I'm panicking. I'm looking in every incubator. I'm, you know, not tearing up the NICU, but by God, I'm close for my kid and a nurse and her husband. She's like, can I help you? And I'm like looking for my kid and she's like, oh, we had to move. And I'm like probably had to put her in the nasa unit. You know they didn't have enough shit connected to her, probably to connect 34 more things to her, so sure that makes sense. Go through that door. Yeah well, I walked through that door and it wasn't that at all. There's a nurse holding her in a rocking chair, feeding her, and she sees me and she goes well hey, dad, you want to hold your little girl and feed her.
Speaker 3:And I went, yeah, but how? I didn't want to tell me something. She's like you haven't met the doctor yet. I said no. She said, well, you know I can't tell you, but you can hold your baby and when he gets here, we'll figure it out and okay.
Speaker 3:So I sat there, I held my little girl and I fed her a bottle and, oh man, I was thought I was smitten before, I really smitten now. And so he comes in and he's like running his fingers through his hair, you know, like a madman, and he's like you we need to talk. And I'm like, okay, and my kid off, I go in this room with him and he is pacing like a lion at the zoo and he's a frantic nut, okay, okay. And he's just like, remember, we saw, I did the test and you were there, you saw it with me Blood flow, there was no heart wall. And I'm like, dude, slow down, I don't know what you're saying. I hear you but I don't know what you're saying. Like, what are you trying to tell me?
Speaker 3:And he said I re-ran that test when you left about 5, 530. He said there was a perfect septum between her ventricles, the membrane blocking her pulmonary vein. There's no evidence that it was ever even there. And I went, holy shit, now I was a paramedic before I went to college, emt, and so I studied that in physiology. I know that can't happen physiologically. You don't just grow a septum. And so I was like that's a miracle and he goes, I don't believe in this.
Speaker 3:And I went. Then you explain it to me physiologically. He goes that's the problem, I can't. And I went. Well, you call it what you want and I'll call it what I want, and we'll just go our separate ways. I said, okay, what does this mean, like, and we'll just go our separate ways. I said, okay, what does this mean? Like, give it to me straight like whiskey, like you've been doing. And he goes oh, you'll take her home. I went. Really, when he goes Friday, I'm discharging her on Friday. Well, sure as shit, she discharged on Friday. Sunday, I'm putting an Easter dress on her.
Speaker 3:When it dawns on me, holy shit, I brought her home on Good Friday. Okay, time out, this God that I've had in a box. Right, I have had you all wrong. What I failed to share a minute ago is that when I went home and let my dogs out here's what I said to the Almighty I sat on the back porch, I lit a cigarette and I did King's X up to heaven and I said Lord, I don't know what to do. I've been trying to figure out all day how I'm going to control my way out of this one, but I can't. I said so. If you give me this kid a day, a week or a year, I will praise you still. You'll be my God, and I don't know what else to do or say. So I'm just telling you your will be done. That's all I got. I can't fucking do anything else.
Speaker 3:And Kevin, why he chose to heal her, I don't know, but it made me step back and go. I've had you all wrong. I've been calling you this mean ass, cosmic killjoy who just wants to, you know, take the magnifying glass with the sun and make my fucking life miserable. And I have to now admit that that's not congruent with what I just saw you do. So I've had you wrong all along, and I hadn't yet had those encounters with him. I still thought he was a mean motherfucker. Right, I'm five years away from having those encounters with him. So that was miracle number one. There's two more, if you care to hear them.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. Oh, I thought that was it. I thought that was okay.
Speaker 3:If that wasn't good enough, Exactly, Let me tell you the Paul Harvey version of the story, which I've now written as a movie. Somebody called A Heart for Kylie, and I tell how it transformed my mean ass because of her and what God did. So here's what happened. So we took her home. She still didn't have a heart wall between her atria and she still had a mitral valve problem. She wasn't out of the woods, but she wasn't going to die immediately either. We didn't know when she would die. That was still a very real possibility. If she got RSV, if she got pneumonia, anything could cause her to go congestive and then we could lose her. They told us she can't go to daycare, so Amber had to quit her job. We couldn't get divorced like we had planned. I don't think it's because God wanted us to stay married. I don't know for you out there who are overly religious.
Speaker 3:You're like he loves that Well, I disagree. I think he was creating a bond between us that would lead to a friendship. That would be a real bond as opposed to a fake bond that we entered into in our fake marriage. So that predicate laid, we go for four years every three months. So my daughter's now four years old.
Speaker 3:We've gone to the cardiologist. I've watched the echoes for this whole time. I know exactly what's going on in her heart. I could probably draw the damn thing, you know. Um.
Speaker 3:And so one day we go in and the cardiologist who I adore still to this day, uh, dr lisa wrote and she was like hey guys, I saw something that I didn't really like on this echo, so I'm gonna introduce you to a colleague. So she takes us down to her room and I meet this guy named Dr Tam and Dr Tam isa, cardiothoracic surgeon, and he says look, your daughter's valve is leaking. It's graded on a four system, so a one, a two, a three, a four. Your daughter's has been in a two, which is an acceptable leak. Three is where we have to start thinking about surgery because it's too bad for his replacement.
Speaker 3:And I went okay, 2008, doc, putting people on the moon and shit. You know like you can just replace the valve Right. And he goes well, you can. But no, it's not an option. I went okay, walk me through this, why not? He said, well, because it's only 10 years per valve.
Speaker 3:And I went, okay, he goes, you get two valves a life. I was like, is that like coverage, determination, guidelines for injuries? He goes no, that's because you die. Oh, and I went okay, I don't like the math, that's 24. He said I don't like the math either, so that's why I'm not doing a replacement. We are never going to replace that valve. He said I'm going to go in and operate on it and I'm going to repair it the best I can. He said so, we're doing that. Monday morning this was Friday, it's about 4 30 PM. He said on Monday, december 17th, you're going to bring her to Cook Children's Hospital in downtown Fort Worth. We're going to meet at 5 am and I'm taking her in for surgery. I'm going to fix the valve and I'm going to build a wall, a septum, to put in between her atria. And I went well, you're a certified badass.
Speaker 2:Yeah right.
Speaker 3:So then I hiccuped because of stress for the next 72 hours. I don't know if any of you have ever hiccuped for three days straight, but it's like being in a car wreck. I have ever experienced in my life Like it was. It was hell, but it was just a stress response. You know trauma response. So anyway, we get there, monday morning, december 17th, she goes into surgery. You know I'm terrified that my little girl is not going to come out. Five, seven hours later or something. They come out and they're like surgery went well. She's now back in ICU. You can go see her. They get ready to move her to the cardiac rehab floor. They pull out all of her tubes. It's jerk all that shit out of your chest, like I was like they're like no, this is normal. I was like, hey, if you say so, well, I'm still type A controlling cop guy and I'm keeping all of the values because of, yeah, emt training, right?
Speaker 3:So I'm keeping all of her hemoglobin and hemoglutin values in my whip out pad Every time I did a lab. I'm like I want to know what those numbers were and they were begrudgingly telling me, right, so I'm writing them all down. Well, we get to cardiac rehab. Rehab we're probably a day or so from discharging and my daughter gets this thousand yard stare like she's not being responsive and I'm like what the fuck is going on?
Speaker 3:remember, it's like I don't know, ricky she's not acting right like I know it's like just like that, like she's just acting really weird and so I'm trying to get her attention and I'd ask for something, and they should be like oh you know, it was like she was drunk and I'm like, okay, you're not on any medication, so this is strange.
Speaker 3:So I pulled my whip out pad. I'm like, okay, hemoglobin, hemoglobin. All right, we were at 10. We then dropped to nine something. We dropped to eight something. We're, holy shit, the last lab. We're at seven.
Speaker 3:Well, for those of you who don't know, when you hit hit seven on a hemoglobin score, you're at blood transfusion level. Okay, it means that your blood, your red blood cells, are disappearing, which means you're bleeding. There are other reasons, but predominantly you only lose red blood cells because you're bleeding. So I go to the charge nurse and I said, hey, just, you know, hear me out, crazy, dad, dad moment. But can you pull up all the labs? Because this is what I've recorded, this is what she's doing.
Speaker 3:I think she may be bleeding somewhere. And she starts looking into it. She was like I don't know how the hell we missed that and I went no judgment, but I don't either. So, um, can we just fucking fix it? I don't care about. You know that she can't bleed to death. And so the doctor comes in and he's like I disagree with you. I checked her out myself. She's fine and I'm discharging her tomorrow. And I went, I paid the fucking insurance and no, you're not, um, and you know you can just call me a crazy dad. I had the nurse there with me. I said but here's what's going to happen next, because my policy coverage allows for it, you're going to scan her and you're going to prove to me that she's not fucking bleeding internally because she's not acting right and something is very wrong. And the nurse is back there kind of going tell him you know, and the doctor's like I'm smarter than you and I'm not doing it.
Speaker 3:Everybody's like tell him you know. And the doctor's like I'm smarter than you and I'm not doing it and I went. Then I will fucking go med stat on your ass, I don't really give a damn, I will go over your head. As high as I got to fucking go to get this done. He finally relented and her pericardial sac was about 90% full of blood. She would not have woke up the next day, according to the hematologist and the cardiologist who took over for the doctor, who clearly didn't know his head from a hole in the fucking earth. So, long story short, they pull all the blood off her pericardial sac through a procedure. They gave her a full blood transfusion and then, seemingly, she was okay. She got to come home, took her home on December 23rd 2012. Got to spend Christmas with my baby girl just in time, you know, and I thought, all right, finally we're on a good train, lollipop. You know, we got past the heart surgery. She survived that ordeal.
Speaker 3:Well, december 30th, after Christmas had come and gone, she wakes up one morning and she's at my house with me and Amber had already moved out. We and she's at my house with me and Amber had already moved out, we were now separated and she had taken some much needed time for herself. You know, I was like I'll keep her and then we'll switch it. You know, so it was during my time and Kylie wakes up and Kylie's walking around being a four year old. Except that when I said, hey, kiddo, are you hungry? She looked at me, kevin, she just shook her little head and smiled, said no. It said no without saying no and I went that's weird. You're a chatty, kathy, why aren't you talking to daddy? And then she just shook her head, no, kept playing, kept doing her thing, and I'm like are you just like? What show are you watching? Where you learned this shit? You know, like I'm gonna have to start monitoring kai you better, because I don't know what, where you're learning this crap. So that's what I'm thinking.
Speaker 3:And then I went into my closet. She was in my master bathroom. I went into my closet, which was attached, and I was going to just change shirts. I underestimated the weather that day, as we do in Texas, and I was changing shirts and I hear a mirror handheld mirror fall and hit the floor and break and I went oh fuck. And I ran in there and I picked her up and I ran with her to the living room. I set her on the couch, I ran the kitchen. I grabbed her a milk cup out of the refrigerator. I came back with it. I said Kylie, take a drink. And when she did, kevin, it all rolled down her face and I knew she was having a stroke. Oh wow, my medical training. And I went fuck.
Speaker 3:So I pick her up, I got her as dressed as I needed to, just to get her in the car, and I knew that if I called 911, cook Children's was about 35 minutes from me south. That was an hour and 10 minutes by ambulance, if not more Right. So they had to come to me and I went fuck that. I'm pursuit driving trained, I'm about to do it, and I drove 120 miles an hour to the hospital. Don't recommend that, by the way, but I did because that's what I had to do for my little girl.
Speaker 3:When I got her there, she had then full right side paralysis. Her left pupil was blown. What happens is the nerve runs just under the eye, across the nose, and so if you have right side aphasia or effects from a stroke, your left pupil will blow, it'll dilate, so that's how you can tell. Her face was drooping. She couldn't use her hands or couldn't do anything. She was just kind of drooling on herself. She couldn't use her hands or she couldn't do anything. She was just kind of drooling on herself lack of a better way to say it. And I took her out of her car seat and I'm dying. Inside I bolt through the doors of Cook Children's like I own the fucking ER and top of my lungs stroke. You know, I got everybody's attention. They took her back, scanned her.
Speaker 3:I met with the neurologist and he says ricky, um, she didn't have one stroke, she had five strokes. Wow, and I went. Well, fucking course she did. Like what would? Why? That would only make sense for my life. So, yeah, I was like well, all right. So he pulls up the ct, we're looking at it together. And he said see, right here, right above her, her ear. He said this is where the speech center is at in the brain. And he said you see the tissue. I said it's necrotic and he goes okay, so you know what you're looking at. So unfortunately, I do, um. I said yeah, it's all white, it's not good and he goes.
Speaker 3:No, and I don't think neural pathways will be able to really form there. It it's just too much necrotic tissue. And he said we're early Like this is going to get worse. This isn't getting better. And he said and the rest of the space, junk, you know. That came from her heart.
Speaker 3:What happened was from when they pulled out the tubes and stuff, they nicked her heart, they put a pacer wire in and there little hook on it and it tore part of the heart. And so when they had to do all of the draining of the blood, they couldn't put her back on any kind of, uh of um plot, uh, you know, thinning agents heparin is the one they had her on. They couldn't put her back on it because she would bleed to death. So it was like a happy medium, you know. So she formed a bunch of clots. They all broke off, went straight to the brain Dang and it caused a lot of damage.
Speaker 3:He said what you see right now, with the paralysis and everything. He said I'm afraid what you see is what you get and it's only going to get worse. He, I'm afraid what you see is what you get and it's only going to get worse. He said but I'm not in control of these things and I looked at him like, well, that's a weird thing for a scientist to say, you know and I think that was maybe his statement of faith without going any further Right?
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 3:And I just went huh, interesting statement. So I'm sitting in ICU. My little girl's depressed as shit, as you might imagine. She can't do anything, but she's all there. But she's like Metallica One, she's trapped in this body that she can't make function. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:And so it's about 1.30 in the morning, I'm watching her sleep and I just kind of sat back in the chair I was in. I looked up to heaven and I went fuck. I said a day, a week or a year didn't die when I prayed to you on that porch. I said a day, If you give her to me a day, a week or a year, and you gave me four years. So I really can't bitch a lick Because you gave me 4 years. So I really can't bitch a lick because you gave me 4X on what I asked for.
Speaker 3:I wish I wasn't so damn stupid. I wish I would have asked for more. I said but you know what? I've learned a lot about you in these last four years and I know now that what you want me to do is tell you the desires of my heart. I know, you know them, but you want to hear me say it, because that's what daddy wants from this kid. I said so here's what I want. I want my, I want my daughter back, and I want her back better than she was. That's what I want, I said. But if that's not what you want, then I'll accept what you give me.
Speaker 3:So yeah, let's leave it there and I didn't also do so. Um that's day, one day two, day three, again third day.
Speaker 3:God loves that third day he loves three he does, man, and it's about to trip you out on how the three works with this story. So third day, um, I was helping a nurse because she was getting little bed sores on her butt and so I lifted her up and she said whoa. And I went oh, all daddy needs is one word walk it in, man. So I was like that was weird. And the nurse was like, yeah, that was really odd. Like how did she even make that sound? I was like I don't know, but I'll take it, you know, that's giving me some hope. Well, we put her back in the bed and she's sitting there. We had to feed her, you know. So we had a tray of food and shit and so we had to feed her different things and they had put grapes on the tray, erroneously. Kid couldn't eat grapes if she wanted to. Well, apparently it wasn't erroneous, because that little hand that was all crippled, all of a sudden it opens up and the eye that was blown pupil, it literally constricts and I watched her facial aphasia, the drooping, I watched it literally lift back into place and she reaches her hand out and she picks up a great pincer style, which means fine motor skills, and she puts that fucking thing in her mouth and began to chew it. And I went holy shit. You went whoa. So, yeah, I went whoa.
Speaker 3:Well, the idiot that I am, kevin, I decide. I was like amber, do you have that bag that you brought with all those crafts and shit that you brought to the hospital? She's like I do. I said are there scissors and paper? She was like I think. I was like buy me scissors and buy me paper. She was like why? I was like just do it.
Speaker 3:So I then picked Kylie up out of the bed because I'm an idiot, don't do this at home folks and I set her on the floor. Floor why? Because I wanted to see if she had core strength. Well, I could have just laid the bed down. That'd have been too easy, right? So I move her freaking pole and all her shit, you know. I set her on the floor and she's setting up just all. You know. This crowd just perfectly looking around and dr acosta, the neurologist, walks by and I'm like, hey, check this shit out, because I have no couth whenever. I'm excited. And he was like shrug your shoulders for those of you who can't see me, he goes. Like I said, man, I don't control these things Nice. So third day, finding gross motor skills came back.
Speaker 3:What we learned after this was that the strokes had done a number on her eyes and she would have progressive visual impairment to the point of loss at a certain point, um, and that you know that would just be time. You know what would lead us there. Well, they told us okay, great, she's got her fine and gross motor skills back. She began to utter words and I went home and got all her disney, sing-along, shit man. And we ended up discharging from the neurological rehab unit because she was speaking again, not completely, but after three months. Three months she had the full language, expressive language ability of a seven-year-old, better than what I had.
Speaker 2:Her and she's only four and she was four.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I prayed a lot better than she was, and that's what I got. Wow, uh, three months now. Here's the trippy part. If that wasn't that trippy enough.
Speaker 3:Well, this last one just kills me because three years later her vision had progressively been getting worse. You know we're getting her glasses and new prescriptions. She comes home one day and says, dad, I have a headache and my head's killing me and I'm thinking, fuck, she's having a stroke, yeah, overreacting first. And then I was like, well, she's like I'll take my glasses off. And I said they're, if it's bothering you, take them off, who cares? Right, like, I'll get you an appointment. So I called and given her special case, you know they got us in pretty quick and, um, the doctor puts around the little loop things he's doing all this test shit, and he looks up at me and he goes she's got 20, 20 vision. Um, there are no astigmatisms, she's got perfectly round eyeballs. And I went of course she does. Yeah, right, he goes what. And I went dude, too much to tell. Is that crazy or is that crazy?
Speaker 3:it's, it's absolutely mind-blowing yeah, mind-blowing on the tails of that is when I went to that encounter event to then go on quest to meet the living god. You know why I think he did those things? Please tell, because I am so fucking stubborn. Number one and number two I had been hurt so badly that I never in a million years thought that God could ever love a man like me. Because I had gone too far, because I had pissed in his face, I had pissed on his word.
Speaker 3:I literally took a page out of the Bible one time to roll a joint for somebody Like I, had done stuff that I'm not proud of in any way and I thought there's no way he would love a man like me. Yeah, I get the whole cross thing, but come on, like every dad has his limits, I mean, my dad did. What I had to come to realize was that, no, he doesn't. And just as he will give us adversity, he will allow storms in our life to not only shape us and to make us grow. Which, by the way, do you know how you make a tree grow if you plot or make it? You know? Know how you make a tree grow, water, you want to know the best way to make it grow. Take a two by four and beat the shit out of the ground around it. It puts the tree into a trauma state and it forces its roots to grow deep.
Speaker 2:Wow, did not know that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's the only way it'll survive a storm. So what is true in nature is true of man. He put me in a lot of storms. I didn't have very deep roots, but he gave me a circumstance, through Kylie, which made me I couldn't explain it any other way. There was no scientific way to justify what just took place. And it forced me because I had an opinion on the character and nature of God. It forced me to say I'm wrong, because what I just saw is incongruent with what I have always been believing about who you are. So if that's not who you are, then I want to know who you are. And it set me on this quest, not the ministry quest, but it set me on a quest to want to know him. And as a result of encounter and that, him telling me who I was and you know, going to quest and walking with him for like nine and a half hours on this ranch and all the shit that he showed me and that I experienced that day, that was. I mean, you'd put me in an insane asylum if I told you everything that I saw that day. Okay, because it was otherworldly and it was. I can't be the same. I can't be the same.
Speaker 3:And after that happened is when he then told me to change churches. He took my men's group away from me. He took me. He took my marriage, my, my, my bonus son at that time tried to kill my daughter, as if I didn't have enough shit going on in my life. He was hearing voices and he strangled her one day and had I not interrupted it, he would have killed her. He was 11, she was seven and sad, and so that whole thing blows up in my face Right.
Speaker 3:And then he says leave the church you're at and go to this other church. And I was like I don't want to do that. All I have left are my men. Don't take them away from me too, come on. And he was like you're leaving that church, you're going this other place. And I was like, well, fuck you, I just won't go to church, you know. And so I didn't. I was a stubborn little asshole. And finally one day I decided fine, I'll go. And so I went and, long story short, he told me where to sit in the balcony, third row, third seat. Like, yes, a signed seat for me and Kevin, if I would. I'm never late, but the times that I did get there a little late.
Speaker 3:My seat was a hundred percent available every time every Sunday, and this was a mega church gateway in South Lake where Robert Morris which I'll probably hearing horrible stories about right now, but that's where he led me to go, and what ended up happening was I met a guy one day. He tripped walking up the stairs. I helped him up. He invited me to breakfast. I went begrudgingly and God had woke me up on an airplane in 2013 before I really believed any of the shit that I really believe now. And he told me then everything that was will have nothing to do with that which is to come. And I said what does that mean? And he said you're going to move away from all the fraud and investigative stuff you've always done. You're going to write books, you're going to write movies, you're going to teach and you're going to preach. And I thought what is in my Jack Daniels? I'm delusional, you know, um. And so I just kind of threw that in my hip pocket and went we'll come back to that shit. And that was 13, 16.
Speaker 3:He woke me up on a plane again and he said I'm not asking you to do ministry, I'm telling you you're going to do ministry. And I said well, let me get something straight. Okay, I'm not because I'm not the fucking preacher type. I say fuck way too much, I drink my whiskey too strong. And well, going back to that fuck word, I like to do it too much and you know that's just not what a preacher is. So can we just agree that that's not who I am. I'm not Robert Jeffers, and I don't mean to pick on Robert Jeffers, but I did. But that's what I think of when I think of a preacher, you know. So I was just like using him as an example. And God said, who said you have to be Robert? I made you to be Ricky, I need you to be exactly who you are. And I said so you're telling me I can preach and say fucking drink whiskey. And he said he said, son, I made you to be who you are, I just want you to go be who you are. So no, he didn't agree that I could run around saying fucking drink whiskey. But he made me the way that I am for a reason, right, I'm going to resonate with some and I'm going to turn other people off, and that's okay. For those of you who don't like my style, there's Robert Jeffers. Go listen to him, right?
Speaker 3:And so what ended up happening out of all of that is that when I met that guy for breakfast that morning, he brought a laptop with him and he showed me a video. I'm like, are you going to sell me Amway? But he wasn't. He showed me a video. It's 100,000 people and they're in India. And the camera turns around and it was him.
Speaker 3:He was preaching to this massive crowd and I didn't know this guy. He didn't know me. I never told him my story. At this point, I hadn't told anybody my story. And he said ricky, the holy spirit told me that day that you helped me out, that I was supposed to invite you any country in the world that I go to to preach. I'm to give you the microphone and the stage and you are to preach. And I went I'm sorry, what? Because I was like whoa, okay, that's weird. Well, I just kind of hip-pocketed that too, because I didn't know what to do with it. So then he invites me to a networking event.
Speaker 3:And I get there and the keynote speaker was talking about how to publish your first book. And I'm like what the fuck? You told me you wanted to write books. I don't even know how to do that. And then I was going to do the benediction at this particular event that day. So I do the benediction and as I'm, you know, greeting people, as you were coming up saying great prayer, and I'm like, thank you, I know how to pray, I'm kind of being a dick a little bit.
Speaker 3:And this guy makes locks eyes with me and he walks over and he said, hey, I'm Ricky, and he's like dude, love, your benediction Really got a lot out of that. And he said so what do you do? And I hate that question. I think his men were. So, you know, my career penis is bigger than yours, you know. And so I was like. I was like the first 20 years have been about fraud, the next 20 years will be about God. And he goes oh man, I like that, I do too. I've never said it before. That literally just fell out of my face. And he was like what does it mean? And I said the riff is sounding crazy.
Speaker 3:And God woke me up on an airplane and told me I would write movies, write books, teach and preach. I know it sounds fanatical and he's like a dog hearing a whistle. He goes you want to write movies? And I said yeah, I've got a few ideas. And he said you don't know who I am, do you? And I said I know you're Andy because you said so. And he said Ricky, I'm Andy Costa. I am an Emmy award winning filmmaker. If you want to write movies, pitch me. And I said Andy, don't fuck with me. So long story short. Ok, god showed me what, what I told you. I will make a way. And he put these people in my path as evidence that I wasn't delusional. It wasn't because I was drinking really good whiskey that day, it was because he has a plan and he has a purpose for my life.
Speaker 3:And then I'm at gateway one day and Robert was sick. He almost died tragically. He recovered, and then one of the apostolic leaders at the church at the time, jimmy Evans he's not there anymore, but Jimmy comes out on stage and nobody's ever there, sunday at 1040. They do all the live services on Saturday. And so he comes out and he says we're going to talk about the seven benefits of the Holy Spirit. He said, but before I do that, there are four needs that only God can meet in each of us. They are acceptance, identity, security and purpose. Now onto the seven needs of the Holy Spirit. I don't know if anybody else heard him say those four needs. Maybe they did, maybe they didn't, I don't even know if he remembers even saying it, but I wrote them down in my notes and I could not stop thinking about them.
Speaker 3:And so, in my quiet time, I said Lord, why can't I stop thinking about these four words? And he said, ricky, because that is your ministry. And I said you don't trust me with more than four words. And he said how about you get in my word and you'll figure it out? And so I did. I started deep diving. Things were jumping off the page.
Speaker 3:But here's the cool thing, man I got to Luke 4. This is where Jesus is led into the wilderness by the Holy Spirit. Satan, the enemy, comes to him and tests him. Jesus had not eaten or drank water or anything in 40 days. He's on the verge of death. And so he's at his weakest. Satan begins to test him and the first thing he says to him is if you are the son of God. And I went oh my God, that is an identity attack. Holy shit, how did I not ever see that before?
Speaker 3:Then he takes Jesus up onto a mountaintop and he says all of the kingdoms of the world have been given to me. I have authority over them. I will give them to you if you just bow down and worship me. And I went that's acceptance, holy shit. And then he then, similar Cliff, says jump off of here. He quoted scripture to him and said the angels won't even allow your heel to scratch a rock. And I went that's security. You know, anytime you talk about the word, that's security. And then the next byline that was in my Bible said Jesus went on to fulfill his ministry. And I went holy fuck, that's purpose. God, you lived these four words. You gave us the blueprint for it. And I said not only was I wrong to say I'm better than your four words, I'm not. This is bigger than me. I can't.
Speaker 2:I'm not worthy of those four words.
Speaker 3:No, I'm not. I fell to my knees, prostrate, you know, face on the floor crying, and said you definitely got the wrong guy. And he said get up. No, I don't. Why do you believe that about yourself? I just don't think I'm worthy of this. Like, why would anybody listen to me?
Speaker 3:And he said I'm going to answer a few questions for you, but I'm going to answer the first one that you wanted to know, the answer to your whole life. And I went. I think I know what this one is. Why have you let all this bad shit happen to me? Why did you do that to me? And he said, son, I didn't do it to you, I did it for you. Son, I didn't do it to you, I did it for you. And he said and I did it for one word relatable. I need you to be relatable. And I said, okay, I guess I can understand that. And then he told me about the valley stuff and I'm supposed to go in the valley and do that. And I said, okay, so what do I teach? What is it about these four words Like, how do I string this into a message? And he said well, what does Revelation 3.20 say? And I went I don't know. I have my Bible, I look it up. Revelation 3.20 says behold, I stand at the door and lets me in. I will come into him and eat with him and he with me.
Speaker 3:Relationship. All you got to do is offer your acceptance to him. Let it in, he said. But here's the problem, son. He said what have you done your whole life? And I went loaded question. He said you have gone around knocking on hearts, doors, seeking who would let you in, and the moment they let you in, they let you down, didn't they? And I said yes, lord, they did. And he said so you left, you went to another one and you've been on this rat wheel of insanity trying to receive something that isn't for you. Acceptance is not for you, acceptance is for me. You are to give it to me. I've already accepted you. That's why I came and died, so that you don't have to. That's why I gave up my life so we could be in relationship together, because I've already accepted you. Now, all you got to do is say Lord, I accept you.
Speaker 3:He said, but you and every other Adam just like you, you think you're God. You've made yourself the God of your own life. You think acceptance is for you to receive, glory is for you to receive. You're here because you're supposed to be all these things and it's all about you, he said.
Speaker 3:But it's not, he said, but because you're on that rat wheel, you then start placing your identity in your trophies, in your titles, in your this, your, that, he said, and none of that actually identifies you. It's false, he said. Satan counterfeits everything I do and every one of you live out the counterfeit every single day. You think you can meet these needs in your life because you think you're God, and so you seek that acceptance. You then decide what your identity is, is, and you put it into things and people, into the now right, the people, places and things, he said.
Speaker 3:And then you're so wrapped up in the worldly system that you think that is where your security lies, and if you have enough money, then you can do anything, and then you're secure and then your purpose is your career. As if I'm that shallow, he said. In fact, you thought your first name was a detective for 10 years until I took it away from you and I said, yeah, you're right, I did. And he said then you didn't think you had an identity, you didn't think you had any security anymore because you didn't have a badge and a gun to be it for you. And then you didn't have your purpose, as if I am so shallow that I made you simply to be an investigator.
Speaker 3:Are you kidding me? He said. But, son, when you get it upside down, that's how you live your life, he said. But what I want you to do is go teach people that when they stop making acceptance about them, that they make acceptance about me me and they'll just open up the door, just let me in. Then I will come into them and eat with them, we'll be in relationship and I will lead them to their true identity, just like I did. You and I went. You sure as hell did. You told me exactly who I was and I missed it because I'm an idiot, but I came around to it.
Speaker 2:Like you said earlier, it's because he speaks in riddles.
Speaker 3:He's smarter than us. Right, we got to catch up. He said then, once you realize who you are, then you'll find your security in me and I'll do things that won't make any sense. He said I've already showed you that that's why the miracles occurred. I needed you to find your way to belief and then I will show you your many purposes, because I didn't create you for just one reason. Many purposes because I didn't create you for just one reason. There are many reasons why I created you, just the way that I did. He said what I'm asking you to do is to go out and teach that. He said go to the people who feel like they are so far gone they can't ever come back, who feel like they are so far gone they can't ever come back. He said that's your people. And I said I like those people. I'd love to go talk to those people. Why? Because I'm familiar with the mud, kevin.
Speaker 2:Oh, he knows that.
Speaker 3:That's what it's all about, man, is that some of us are going to find our way. We're all. We're all at different maturation stages One of life, two of emotion, three of intellect, four of spirituality. Okay, and there are some people who we can all say all day long, yeah, we want everybody to come to church, but when the prostitute comes in with the motorcycle gang, I'm pretty damn sure you're not going to invite them to come sit next to your children. Now, if you do, god bless you right. But, man, there is a contingent of people out there who don't feel like they will ever belong in God's house, who don't feel like they will ever belong in God's house. And so I'm just the outlaw disciple, willing to go sit down with them and say I get it.
Speaker 3:I haven't always been wanted either, but you know what I'll tell you, who does want me? That's JC. He loves me and he loves you. I don't give a shit what you've done. You can't out. You can't out sin his grace, you just fucking can't. And so if you want somebody to talk to, you got a friend in me. You want somebody to disciple you? You want to learn the Bible? I'll help you. That's why he had me write the book. That's why he had me do these things, and you know I don't know what it means any more than anybody else. You know I'm not making a living doing it. I don't think that's necessarily the point, but I started getting requests for these podcasts and I thought what the what? What better way? Can maybe my voice reach a contingent and maybe it's just for one or two who just need to hear that your life is worth living today?
Speaker 2:That's what I've always said with the podcast. The Fuzzy Mike is if one person gets something out of it, that's worth it 100%.
Speaker 3:So we have to press on. We feel sometimes like it's too much. I was laying in bed the other night, probably three nights ago Actually. My kids aren't with me this week and I have a hard time and they're not with me and you know, life hasn't been sunshine and fucking rainbows for me ever. It's not right now and I would just reach the point of being so tired that I just laid in bed and I started crying and I said can I just come home? Point of being so tired that I just laid in bed and I started crying and I said can I just come home? I'm so tired, I just want to come home.
Speaker 3:And as I sat there and cried and I just was like laying on the chest of God, like a little boy would do his daddy, I could see my little boy, bennett, three years old, this smile and hearing his laugh. I could see my daughter and knowing the plans that she has coming up to graduate high school and college. And and I just said don't you dare take me, don't you dare. You leave my ass right here. And and I'm going to cowboy up. Okay, I'm going to cowboy up. I'm going to remember that you're not done with me. Yet If you were done with me, then I would cease to exist right now. I just lost my stepbrother. He was literally having a drink of Jameson with somebody and the next second he was dead. He was 40 years years old, no known health issues. Just so, when he, when he, when he's ready for you, you're gone. Yeah, he ain't fucking changing it, right. We're all gonna get knocked out of this meat suit one way or another, but don't do it for him, right? Allow him.
Speaker 3:Allow him to be the potter, allow yourself to be the clay. And sometimes I know it fucking sucks to continually be remolded and remolded and more water and more you know. All right, let's reshape you and let's do this and let's do that, but the thing that I had to learn the hardest was that it's okay to be broken. God gave me a vision one day, kevin, and the vision was this it was a beautiful vase and I don't have beautiful vases in the entry of my house and it was on a little rickety table and somebody walked by, I think me, and bumped it and it jiggled and it fell and it broke by, I think me and bumped it and it jiggled and it fell and it broke. And then the next moment in the scene, boom, it's back up on the thing and it's like I zoomed in and it had been fixed with super glue and there were these super glue globules everywhere.
Speaker 3:It was ugly as shit, you know, trying to fix it and there were pieces that were upside down. They weren't put in back right because I tried to fix it and what God said to me was because I'm befuddled and he goes. That's you, and I went, I'm a broken vase. And he goes yeah, yeah, you're a broken vase and you think that putting yourself back together is the right thing to do. He said but right now, with all that super glue and pieces upside down and you making look like it's all put together, he said but if I put my light in there, how's it ever going to shine through if it's not broken? And I went wow. I said so what I'm hearing you say, lord, is that I to stop projecting that I have it all together and I got to start being honest with people and tell them that no, I'm just a fuck up too, and the other thing is that you can't fix it.
Speaker 3:You can't fix it. So folks find comfort in your brokenness. You got to find peace with it and you got to find peace with God in it and know that if you still have a heartbeat, man, he still has a reason for why you do and he wants you this side of heaven and when he's ready to bring you home, make no mistake, it'll be a blink and you will be there.
Speaker 2:I have no doubt that that is the case. My thanks to Ricky Sluder for joining me and for his beautiful stories. You can get in touch with Ricky at AcceptingTruthFindingHopecom and for your weekly dose of laughter and riveting conversation, check out the Tuttle Cline podcast. Wherever you listen to the Fuzzy Mike, New episodes post every Wednesday. Now, back in 1998, I went to an industrial metal concert in St Louis. The headliners were a band called Jenna Torturers, but it was the opening band that ended up blowing me away that night.
Speaker 2:On the next episode of the Fuzzy Mike, we're going to meet the lead singer who, as a minister, was excommunicated from the church, fell into heavy addiction and that led to a decade away from music, and he now shares his story of sobriety and mental stability to help others navigate their own path Kind of like what we try to do here with the Fuzzy Mike. Let you know that you're not alone. We're going to talk about the return of his band and the new music they just released next week. I can't wait. It is so cool. Saw these guys play in 1998. Now this guy and I text each wait. It is so cool. Saw these guys play in 1998. Now this guy and I text each other. It's so cool. Anyway, I'm excited for you to meet him. Hope you'll join me then. The Fuzzy Mike, hosted and produced by Kevin Kline, Production elements Zach Sheesh at the Radio Farm. Social media director is Trish Kline. Thank you for sharing your time with me. I'm grateful, is Trish.
Speaker 1:Klein, thank you for sharing your time with me. I'm grateful Thanks for listening to this episode of the Fuzzy Mike with Kevin Kline. Check back often and stay fuzzy friends. Fuzzy Mike is a presentation of the Kevin Kline Fuzzy Mike Industry Incorporated LLC.