S05E14 - PTS Growth - Damien Mullen (ex NT/VIC POL) pt 3

In part 3, the final segment of our chat, Damien (ex NT/VIC Pol Senior Constable ) opens up about the darkest periods of his PTSD, including being housebound and overwhelmed by guilt and shame. He describes his experience with suicidal thoughts and attempts, and the profound impact of feeling like a burden to his family. 

A key turning point for Damien was a moment of empathy he felt while watching a press conference, which sparked a flicker of hope. This realisation led him to actively seek out recovery strategies, including mindfulness, breathwork, and self-education. 

Andy and Damien discuss the importance of building a personalised toolkit of coping mechanisms, the ongoing journey of managing mental health, and the potential for post-traumatic growth.

Key Takeaways

1. The Emotional Toll of PTSD: The intense feelings of guilt and shame can make individuals feel like a burden to their loved ones, often leading to suicidal ideation.
2. Finding Hope in Unexpected Places: A seemingly small moment of empathy or connection can spark a significant shift in mindset and provide a critical lifeline.
3. Importance of Self-Education: Learning about mental health, neuroplasticity, and recovery strategies can empower individuals to take control of their healing journey.
4. Developing a Personalized Toolkit: Identifying and implementing personalized coping mechanisms, such as mindfulness, breathwork, and gratitude practices, can significantly improve mental health.
5. The Role of Support Systems: Having a supportive community, including family, friends, and mental health professionals, is crucial for recovery.
6. The Journey of Recovery: Recovery is a continuous process that involves both setbacks and progress; resilience and persistence are key.
7. Embracing Vulnerability: Being open to trying new methods and acknowledging one’s vulnerabilities can lead to significant growth and healing.
8. The Impact of Peer Support: Connecting with others who have similar experiences can provide hope and practical guidance for managing PTSD.
9. Self-Compassion: It's essential to practice self-compassion and not compare one's trauma or recovery process to others.
10. The Power of Routine: Establishing a daily routine that includes self-care activities can help maintain mental stability and promote long-term wellness.

Contact -  Damien Mullen
Help Lines Open Arms (VVCS) | Lifeline | RedSix app

"RESPECT, NO POLITICS, WE'RE VOLUNTEERS"

Disclaimer: The accounts and stories are "Real lived experiences" of our guests some of the content may trigger Post Traumatic Stress (PTS) symptoms in some of our audience. Feedback regarding other organisations, courses and initiatives remains largely unsensored. Whether its good or bad they remain the OPINION of our guests and their experiences it is important in building an accurate statistic on what really happens. 
During the course of our conversations sometimes sensitive information may be accidentally mentioned, as such, Invisible Injuries respects the law and sensors any information that may breach Operational Security OPSEC

Transcript

Claire Fermo: 0:04

Welcome to invisible injuries podcast, aimed at bettering the well being and mental health veterans, first responders in their immediate support experiencing post traumatic stress. By sharing the stories of the lived experiences of our kids, or support staff and the clinicians, it's our aim to make sure we can have a meaningful connection with our audience, and give them the ideas for their own self care plan. If you do like what you're hearing, subscribe to the channel and share it with your friends. Lastly, these stories may be a trigger for your post traumatic stress. If your PTSD is triggered, we have links to support in the description. Or if it's immediate, please call lifeline on 1311 14 Here's your host, Andy fermo.

Andy Fermo: 1:02

And so were those things that you said and you did you mentioned suicide before and then before we hit record you had mentioned you've mentioned that like an incident before are we leading up to that or are we doing need to dial back in the timeline to what's going on there? Because obviously you're bedridden you'll know your house sorry house read you your your house bound from your situation and you know, you felt that you were starting to become a burden Yeah, these things that the reports have said becoming part of that system and then from a father and a person point of view from you from your viewpoint is that you weren't being the husband that you thought you should be or dad that you should be and all these other things give me your I'm going to be these people will be better off without me over time with those things playing in your head

Damien Mullen: 1:53

you got on my my wife, Tom, she's fallen out the ladder, her school or getting promoted and doing really well despite the circumstances and kind of like she's she's incredible and once they leave school and now and mawatha work you got the rest of the day at harm point guard in your own head and PTSD use just a cycle of negative thoughts and negative emotions and negative bad feelings when you're playing a song on the bait and neighbour but a negative song with negative emotions and have just me stuck in addicted to that lock on to that one and the things that PTSD is toxic it feels comfortable in the uncomfortable and feel see hockey star won't probably go any hint or when this my recovery but it's hard to recover because the healthy sometimes in their recoveries the unknown feel as off Deacon here, goodness again, and that few and bad because you used to deal on seeking impressed and guilty and shame and all these sorts of things. So

Andy Fermo: 2:55

that's defined you they did getting that mindset, that of that being in that situation. And that's my definition of what's

Damien Mullen: 3:01

Mainau tollemache I mourn because I was in I was on sleep in two or three hours even with some medication I was on put me on feta mean, so I was on Dex six decks a day. Sorry, I was trained as a speed Yeah, cupping cool a drum taker. And the only difference is I'm getting it from the pharmacist and they're getting it from someone around the street. So often depth information during the day and plus ebonite Tom stone three or four volumes to come down and so on. Until about I know you talk about an up and down cycle that knows what that is a plus or anxiety and everything like that to normal volume and um, yeah, yeah. And but even still on, developed to stand out couldn't talk on her if you've spoken to any any others that really does suggest that you can't finish sentences, data, couldn't read more. Everything that I used to be able to do is taken away none of that had that burden. I felt like it was a burden on the family. Yeah, I got to the point like I obviously tried it a few times to learn more but not really. I was led to the sarcoid a couple of times I spent four weeks in corporate waiting mode seven eight which is like a in determine if you've heard of that. And that's yeah, so that's no it was the no chicken meds in that but it's such a it's an environment where there's no triggers or AFN warfare, such a sterile environment. So it's good for full waste and you get a bit of a bribe to police family gets a break. Then you get back out in the world and you still have to deal with why because you hear noises and all this other stuff. But yeah, the big turning point, I think because it goes who are in my situation away from feeling like a lot of guilt shame in that, which I still had. But I went to feeling nothing, or I didn't even have any emotions. I was just now miles numb to air Read the nose down to I still love mochi and mobile off unconditionally. But I was numb to that. Because I was odd. I've checked out. I've completely checked out. And then I'd deal with it worked out. So this was 2018. Together. Kinane. Yeah, so 2018 toes 20 Because masa to get it kind of sounds good. He got to the point where it's no longer get any better evidence had. Dan was gonna hit old enough to take the kids over Easter. So Easter was down dirtier than I believe that Paul could find out with 30 of March and more Wofford scheduled either half marathon or some big run with a friend. I'd chosen that data to end it like I wrote my book, I wrote a note to my kids and my wife and to everyone that helped me like I keep saying I had so much help assist that point or thought or couldn't get by trying to have an enrolled. This is so who would know was hard. A frightened letter that was tough. And saying goodbye to mom and dad picked him up? Because he didn't know obviously not going to some college for that would be the case when blossom or solo that she was the she she knew that I was probably going to be but she she helped a lot. But I think yes, she was hoping she was really hard. And she sent me a text. Yes. And then so they will go on to the weekend. I got picked up on on that the day before on the Friday. The third day from a Dan said the bottom and I was I've never seen again and they're gonna say Mica. Then my wife. My wife knew that I'd shut down and she had tried so many times. And that she was just assumed and she got to the point where it was just like this is it. It's teaching you that is wild and at the time. There was there was a double tampering situation with each fan cricketers gonna laugh It is like it's crazy that this thing bothered me but I was watching Steve Smith got sent home from wherever he was at have crossed something off to the ball tampering and I was working on the cast my water she was sitting next to me on and touched her or anything I just on completely to death. And he had his press conference. And in that press conference they got glare if you remember but he spark had been he's holding back keys or he cried in for a beat and then and then that stupid person came on down from lock call Nigel Chios showing locked isn't it was kind of stupid question. Maybe go to a salon, where he spoke it and he he sits up then in response. He said, A talam you're thinking about making a questionable decision. Think about the you're affecting. And for some reason that for tomorrow I saw her at how to lay that on Walker, he'd be watching something that would trigger it that was the first time I felt a true emotion, whether that be sadness or NFN being months, and a D look. I felt hot decreases trihard. I was sumps pretty sure I was trying. And at that point who is the fairest and more for my parents, my wife and kid they're not going to be happy. Who is this that trigger? And then what second, then I've got any data can be on they're going to be devastated eRepublik de la de if I'd had more light then it didn't fix everything. But it what it did is gave that. And that's all that's all you need is to be here before you can change that and right. So that next day for hearts, I think I gave my wife a hug after that, which is the first time I'd given her a hug for a while. And then she went for a run Oh, still and the following day. But it made me think about her. And then at that point I was given this one more chance and I went back to the psychologist my next deployment so hold on weekly that Tom. And I think she was surprised to be to say me, and I told her about it no asset on giving her one more chance for more cooking get better at that point. Something clicked and I just I then started changing my Google from how to do bad things and to lock line a bad pay test that you could put on TED podcast for the first time. And I was up, started searching podcasts and started listening to lock how people have recovered or learning more about PTSD and who was the first time that I'd heard the word neuroplasticity? How's off somewhat your brain can change you learn new things and you're not Does it just stuck in it? It's malleable, it's it can change, you can get better. And, and then what I did is every day is like treated the day like a work date, listen to podcasts, and I would just search or listen to one. And I'd write down some words that meant something or I wanted to learn to be more not just certain

Andy Fermo: 10:18

reflections. Yeah.

Damien Mullen: 10:21

Gratitude and gratitude, both alpha male data off now we're on what calls and of gratitude ones without this no complete gratitude podcast and then, and then I've been implementing stuff and led by Wim Hof, correct?

Andy Fermo: 10:37

Yes, we absolutely did the

Damien Mullen: 10:39

Wim Hof Method. And that was one of the big ones that helped him a lot for him. Just that I think that's one things from bein perfect victim accepting things. Yes, we can see bad things happen. Bad things that happen I'd have to go to high ima that Dipper report and accept it. Take it and I get it. I was at a point. But then when I was recovering, I'm off. Now you can take control SOS times have taken control and and that slipped in the

Andy Fermo: 11:09

screws? This grid man. And that's the big on our pause here for a second. Because thanks for sharing that. And there's definitely people in our audience, whether they're a military poor as a first responder, just sharing those suicidal ideologies. Yeah. And because you can be in that situation that I'm that I'm hearing that you've just that you've just shared with your story is feeling that isolated that that being in that state, and that the decision making process, the cognitive process that you spoke about, and being long term use of meds and that these things in your situation that you mentioned, can then you can have this spiralling and you mentioned with the googling before, it's like how can I do bad things? And when I want to clarify that for the audience is like, How can I research ways to suicide? Yesterday? And how do I do these things? And when you're going to these bits and going I'm having these ideologies, the feelings stronger in terms of how am I going to do it? Because it can go from a ideology and the thought, which you mentioned to actually okay, how am I going to take some action? What am I going to do? When am I going to do it? You spoke about these things? And then that trigger moment will not be enlightening moment. I'd rather say in that point. And what is that flicker of light and hope that we've spoken with them with guests that have also done the progress that I've said that that was that little glimpse of that small window? To be able to go that's pro life right there. You know what I mean? That was something there that sort of triggered something. But it sparked something inside you. So I'll differentiate from the trigger? Yes, yes. In a different way. Like

Damien Mullen: 12:47

the law. Yeah, that's one to writing a letter. And so it's, I wouldn't be here. My note,

Andy Fermo: 12:53

I'm gonna call you out on that. Damn it, do it, do it, man, to

Damien Mullen: 12:57

get the whole woman, a woman. No one was real. And yeah, and then

Andy Fermo: 13:02

when it sparks something there and in your case, that emotion to be able to pro life that something doesn't it's not gonna be the magical pill that says, hey, Damien, your fix now because you've heard this, but I still felt like shit, but I'm actually feeling something now. Right? I was numb the day before. But now that sort of sparks on emotion, and that's something and then going ongoing to now. Take this situation that I'm in spoken to you sharing that with your specialist or even with? I'm not sure whether you shared that with your wife straightaway, or was that some time we could get to that? I'll let you think about that. Right. But your spoken reading specialist, they were surprised to see that happy. But then you started taking things into your own hands in terms of I can have some post traumatic growth. How can I do this? Now? I'm going to educate myself on this situation. Fuck neuroplasticity what does that I can change doesn't matter with these reports said that I'm always I'm going to be a victim and have to stay here in this loop. Or I can actually come out of the loop out of the hopper, bang, and then start and it's not an easy process. But I'm going to look at these things. Now. What's a podcast? Okay, let's look at this gratitude. Okay, what does that mean? And what does it mean to me? Am I finding myself and how can I apply this to what my values are? And then start applying that to the people the immediate support around me? What does that look like? And so this is where we're getting to this point. Now where you've said, Okay, I've found Wim, Hof. breathwork pranayama, and yoga, right, that's, it is big, and it's deep. And these are those these processes around what you're saying? The ice baths, the breathing. What was it when you started doing? I'm assuming that you're practising your regular breathing now your breath work and your cold bath because it releases a lot of emotions, right? Oh, I'm doing a

Damien Mullen: 14:55

lot. What are we kicked away? I was raised on no command fan. Boys don't do some things. And I love football clubs. I'm still involved in ocean Ridge football club here, and I love it. But if those, there's some toxic traits that you can pick up, not as fast these days, but back in the day when I was younger, I'm playing and you would never try yoga, you would never drive or meditation, mindfulness teams like that mock self hypnosis, we did a lot of self work. That was one of the better ones at work. When you get to a point where he any sometimes you need to craft and I was crushed, I was at rock bottom and really reborn, where you get to a point we are, what's happening now is not working. Some more thoughts will all get better. Oh, didn't work and harder. Oh, work at home. So today, I'm going to smash myself on the treadmill, I'm going to smash the gym. And then that's all workout. That's not smart. Peter, and I'm going to talk Turkish I think if I just look fit and healthy, you can obey fit and healthy, but it was luck. Nobody's out work and and I reached a point where I needed to reach rock bottom. And the rock bottom was a point where I was open to other things. And those other things were like more in Hall, yoga, meditation, mindfulness, and it opened my eyes to can different ways and self love stuff, things that I would have just looked at and shook my head. When you get to the point where you've reached and you hit rock bottom, and so he can deliver the name and walk you where it was, is

Andy Fermo: 16:37

it any worse than this the only time the other thing that's worse than this is actually

Damien Mullen: 16:43

suicide. But that seemed like a good result. What a boost was Porb and when when he got none, and and you feel like you're a burden that that's when you can get that rule strong suicide, quite a whole pipe theology. And if you can, some hope this can get better yet and take where the more work, the better the end result is. But yeah, I need to just hurry up and word neuroplasticity might not have had anything to do with anything. But what it did, it gave me a bit of hope, which allowed me to put a wedge in the spiral that was every day, like I keep saying every single day was just on repeat was like all the new thoughts and all that the wage with a little bit of horror that allowed me to do something new, and try something new. And then I'll read or I listened to a podcast with Dr. Joe Dispenza. Now yes, yeah, yeah, and how to think he does a bit of luck. He talks about hypnosis as well, but gratitude and what I see to create what meditation, how belief is LinkedIn, if thoughts are linked in with emotions, and tied to beliefs, and, and then saw the people leave, you can't get any better. And you had those negative emotions and, and all that and we think 60 to 70,000 thoughts and I formulate that but that that's what they say 60 to 70,000 thoughts every day. And then negative and your auto pilot, which you are when young not gone very well, you know, thinking consciously. So Saucony one thought leads to another thought which is all negative one negative emotion leads to that negative emotion. Yes, you got to somehow flip that script. Yeah. And that's what I like to do. Called it cow I got out of that. And

Andy Fermo: 18:40

out of that situation, the mindset, that's the, that's a lot of that's mindset. And you mentioned that before you can be as healthy and KickAss. There. That's the external that's your external persona. That's what you're projecting out. But that's self taught that's inside internally, the belief in yourself the new that neuroplasticity, when you actually looking at these, I'm open to these other way. Other methods or other modalities that might and you mentioned before, okay, this is one of the ones that have worked this is, but you have to try them, right. It's just like if I'm, I'll use pharmaceuticals just as a bit of an example. Okay, we don't know that that's working, that's not working? Well, let's just try this. Try this one. That's from something that you have to take that alters your body chemistry, but when we're talking about this post traumatic growth and educating yourself in this, I'm gonna try these things, and maybe not everything's gonna stick. I might actually gravitate towards this and this, but I'm open to trying it now. And this is what you were talking about with that wedge, right? And then doing the work yourself. And you mentioned before, in the report says our Damien will never work again. And and I'm not, I'm not I'm not a clinician by any means or anything like that. And coming from that sort of lived experience and connecting with what you're saying. I'm not meant the work when people go in for me and just I'm just going to just segue from that situation that you were just talking about because this Is that connection that I'm feeling from what you were just saying is that when people go, Whoa, what are you doing for you what I'm actually working on myself and the work in terms of what you're doing, that's a lot of work that you need to do, you need to put in those hard yards, no one else can do it for you. And I'm working on myself to be able to do this. And it doesn't say that it's going to be pretty, like the prettiest picture here. But I'm working on this to be able to improve my situation from when it was yesterday. And I might a better person ever had some growth from yesterday and all might fall down a little bit. But I'm working on that growth there. And I'm actually actuating that I'm grabbing the balls by the grabbing it by the reins and taking control. Yeah. And that's what you're saying, right? Because that's what I'm feeling how many of the works that work here. And then that family work those other bits and pieces. But when you're doing that, work on yourself that self self love that has so much potential in that growth. Yeah.

Damien Mullen: 20:54

And you got to find what works for you. Drop the core fan lock, hold on. All lock things that are pretty deep, do lock mournfulness, but then I did I did a lot of it, because what are you I just grabbed a bunch of Donna. Yeah, throw more data forward and then unlock something that's gonna stick. We're not taught things on oil did the Wim Hof Method plus and I added in yoga, added in mindfulness, but it's an Bach breathing because Wim Hof freedom I really liked but it does put you in a sympathetic state. But yeah, then you parasympathetic state. Once we're done with breath, hold the Wim Hof Method. It's more he teaches you that you can take control of your body. Yes, autonomic system is not automatic and does that you are actually in control of that. It's the more it is the breathing. I locked the breathing. I don't still do it. I do it every now and then. And the cold showers I call Lockton, third dome all the time. But it's more than message that he sends it just then take control. And that was what I needed. And that along with Dr. Joe Dispenza, do we call us or anything but I listened to a few of these podcasts, none took that on board and lock, you can take control but you have to change your beliefs. Yeah. And you have to change your belief your emotions, and not give thoughts and be conscious those thoughts. And then we got into a lot of not just on YouTube lost confidence. self hypnosis, really worked to talk about a lot of a lot of your thoughts are unconscious. So if you can do hypnosis, it's akin to unconscious mind. Alright, that's true. But that seems to me what like a work. So that could be the placebo effect. And it could work but whatever. How's it worked for you? That mindset of looking give me this one more show taking control. And that that took a while still. So we're talking like Model X to their vein. By cotton currently now off medication. I've been off medication since 2002. That was March 2008. And I've been off communication since 2019. was more broadly for God. It happened. Swallow but probably quick to a lot of people that are some people that are listening to this Aki Nee nee is no better not to lie in bed, but I'm not cured because everyone's working on their mental health, physical health that will never feed on it. And then your only feet because you've just gone for a run and hit your alley strong because you just lift the white CPU not mentally healthy. Unless you're doing conveniently now to work on the rental out there. Yeah, but he was. He did. Yes. I took my job as getting better. And are aboard into that. No, I listened to my mind two months of podcasts, all different types to learn and educated myself by birth investor University in psychology who was to become a psychologist, but then it didn't work out. And then yeah, and then prior to moving to Perth to Perth into desert ordain. So between side might say Matt 29th was my third key turnaround point. We had a mindset change. From there in 2019, it was just small increments. I always say it's two steps forward. And it was audits on Wednesday. But it was always one step forward pros one step forward, and then it was probably a dangerous period getting better too because we went from like I was saying off the day. He gets really used to feel a negative. Yeah, they're set for motions. Yeah, they are that safe and 120 My goodness, I thought I'm gonna do single mites. So it was a Sunday or a terrace and I was watching some Cricket was all night and I had a couple of bees within. I wasn't drunk right then. Bye I just had a fantastic day because this love talking to my mates which in cricket it's a good small country cricket because we're all just an Iran and just talking and then having a champion of God home the biggest smile on my face and our stigmas of those the first time I felt good in what felt law forget about would have been a year of sorry, but I would eat that bar from myself because whiskey was so foreign to feel good that I was going off to myself come with alpha and good kick into hospital again and stitched up and sectioned on a good daddy and the doctors are asked me why to do this. And Mark Don't worry, I just couldn't handle feeling good I felt guilty for feeling good. There are more calm not use their mobile phone to someone to come in their battle bathroom bottle our mouths fell into good diet from what I did. And move on until my mind didn't my boyfriend my mate and he met me at the hospital. And he's just had a great day and I know Tao things for me anyway loved everyone's experience is different but was part of the process like of getting Beto off that death. There was one that was trisys Ford. Yeah. All right. I may have self harmed. But it was like it was a good day. So Monday, got back on the next day, and she was in hospital. And then he didn't know that the law was eventually started Hadlock good moments as I've gone had a good morning during that morning turns into an you know, maybe a full day. But then you have a bad day the next day, but there's a good day to follow and the day before. Yeah, at the time, sometimes that's hard to take. And then it would be a good couple of days. But then you have a bad day and the dangerous moment as well. Because you're like, Oh my God. I'm not going back. Oh my god, you don't know. Or I didn't have confidence in myself and my brain and my ability to lock maintain my mental health so was real rocky. Yeah. But then from that process, I would continue to do all those things. I set my day up like I would get up in the morning have a glass of water with some lemon in it and some to brighten up salt clubhead don't look good. Yeah. And then I would go into a nice workout wasn't a workout to go, I'm gonna I'm gonna just smash. Then I would do my breathing and then I'll do the things and then it'd be 10 o'clock and then the lock port. Hey, good morning. And then maybe that continues maybe a telethon. But then it would be lock to adding things in place. But with breaking the habits that are had, which was spiralling every day. Yeah. And and that's deep the process for a lot of people it was for me and it just turned from days to weeks to months and touch ward off or on any more than several cultures was the legend. She knew when she was working with me with all this and then she saw Do you can get off your meds. I think you're ready and which was pretty damn for Vicki. She not want stronger than three, eight. But yeah, I'm conscious. And the medication I was on. I was on the decks amphetamines is an anti psychotic, anti depressant and pre valium a day. Someone told me someone pointed me to CBD oil. And this is just my third choice four minutes and when I should do but most of us have Alright, then it was long enough to get on the black market nearly because that was before it started more mainstream as in the good fair. All the stuff that is good for so I got started. I just got one bar it was $500 hellish. Yeah. And it was a decent size bottled air sister was just to help me get off all my medication and in vital was off that I'm no longer tied to God. I had one bottle. And I was really good. Agile. allowed me to get off all my medication. And then so since then I've since to desert it off and off, get all my medication. And then since moving, we decided to move here just to some pro change, I haven't seen a psychologist since moving. Yep, in fact, welcome data to put things in Python

Andy Fermo: 29:24

to continue. You've got your you've got your systems in place now coping mechanisms and your vendor tools. Yeah. So what from what you're saying. And let me I want to just unpack what you just said and paraphrase what you've said, because there was quite a lot there, Damien, is that over this time when you're actually going and getting better? A good day, even though there are the bad bits where you have to take those steps backwards is like the sun is that you're still making a positive step forward. Yes. And you have to put these little checks in place though if you're feeling allowing yourself to say hey, actually I can. It's okay to feel emotions that are not negative emotions these are positive emotions and the more that you get from this and the more you do it you just I'm working out this mental I've got a belief and I'm working on my mental thing whatever that might be. So in your case that's what you were doing right? Someone else's case might be different but in what you're saying is the message is that those constant things that you're working on self consistency over time and then putting something that works for you that you're that's working that you can connect with over time moving forward even though you do take those steps backwards gets to a point right and then there's a scary point this other tipping point where I might have to go well fuck I'm gonna have to get off these other in your case the meds that can be putting yourself in this vulnerable state then right because it changes a lot of body chemistry as well coming off prolonged use of your Dexys and then you know obviously the valiums as well then they're totally different right so you're changing those body chemicals from having to go on taking something to self regulate now to I'm using my own mechanisms that I've taken and put in place whatever that might be for an in your case studies

Damien Mullen: 31:12

because sands law did Gentile get up they did his own thing and ban him so yeah, I said that side has learned I was trying to alter the university course nearly at home with podcasts and Uniview than that and like a month can dump there are so many so much educational stuff out there cure like you can actually listen to lectures that I was buying textbooks and reading textbooks or what I was doing beforehand is always replacing the chemicals that by medication was providing me with behaviours that I'd know provided the US and Canada face a wasn't just oh I'm starting to feel better older get off on my meds and I'll be fine because I'm made forever through one day. Yes, we're talking now if this is months third probably March this has made it into probably a year like it's probably law a full year maybe even a bit longer light at the road off the medication because I was off the meds just before I got here notice Tober 2019 is when I when we moved here.

Andy Fermo: 32:18

Thanks for clarifying that made because then that's a very important bit of gold there that you've got for yes, and then you're not doing cold turkey you're replacing one for one and this is that was very important for our audience that are out there. So that's good, man. Because this is bad chatting about and once

Damien Mullen: 32:31

again like these are just more Yeah, I have my beliefs and I don't ever want to push anything on now. No, I'm not like anti medication or no. So what I needed to not only am hope met many more sets. So I was I had panic attacks. Were all on the floor lock just shaking block from the dining room. floor lock dough, crazy panic attacks, and anxiety. Moments in the depths amphetamine don't have made it have said this super strong and solid feel good during the day. And I actually worked at the today and I was like, feeling really bad and would do it like self harm. Yes. And actually for a period of time he can't because he feels so good. He just thought oh, hell goods life. And so there were for a reason. But reason running, well could then do it with

Andy Fermo: 33:25

different tools you had different coping and at absolutely, and thanks for sharing that bit as well, Damian, because I think there's no golden bullets, that's gonna cure any one thing. But what you're saying is that you found a way for your particular situation that gave you the same body chemistry effect of taking something that was chemical and then over time this has trained over time so that for the audience that's listening over time, slowly you are replacing something like I'm doing there's a series at the moment with our podcast ministry mix I call it stupid Kansas, right if he's Yeah, so he's wondering, so out of the five he calls it coping badly, right. So the coping badly over this thing is kind of like I'm coping, I'm moving forward. Is it going to be great over the long run? No, but is it helping me for today and for this particular point where I'm at in my journey? Yes, yeah. So that's the coping right? So that you're saying but then I've gotten these other tools now that are actually a better tool that allows me to do this and it's gonna take time now this is releasing the same amount of dopamine that this might have because I'm feeling good I saw my mates This is making me feel good and allowed to feel good. So over time in your situation, you got to that point then where now you're not you've got other mechanisms on

Damien Mullen: 34:39

the top point where the meds will hold me when you wake up and you're doing things like estate your day off, you get the interview, I'll even produces so much good information and you go out you get your sunlight, yeah, drinking water with your laminin and all that you do you exercise. You put in all the You and then you do your mindfulness and gratitude for your replacing your admin dopamine serotonin and all this sort of the certain code chemical Jesseman good you get if you want a hug all these things that you're doing that's producing these good kinks and then you're adding in kinetic dark may or Bach a drug block which then dark made that was also missing with my muscles twitching acted Dogmeat also acts on muscles little actions and stuff like that. Sorry, you'd have all those side effects so the sod FIFA add in these synthetic chemicals were really holding me back from having a stable day because I'm starting off stable then I had in fed arrays Christopher I was on them for tea is who more we even heightened in which correct anxiety and all that and then you've got the come down and then you and then B come down you're adding more calm to end with a valium so let's go to the part where the medication was preventing me from having a stable Danny and then yeah and that's why education is so important and to be able to answer coping strategies

Andy Fermo: 36:11

that can naturally raised those the levels of those chemicals in our body. And so can I ask man so having said that, and then obviously there's been different mechanisms and management tools that you've had from that point from when you stopped the meds and you're doing it now and we're coming forward now you've been here in Perth now for the last four or five years. So what does it what does that look like now for Damon in terms of yourself care with what you're doing now to what you were doing then? So

Damien Mullen: 36:39

it's dropped away a lot because my mum needs not as hard as I used to be super strict. So if you listen to any one of those, any of the podcast in any of the Ben green fields and all these people have their days locked fully in line down 10 things they're going to do before 10am They have their perfect day no one can do that unless that's your job to do that for it that was my job to do that yes so if I'm really structured day to drive set up for you have as good a day as I can right now I just I'd do things without thinking so I don't have my negative thoughts. There's monsters I do about it. I am yeah, so that lasts until fully embedded Monday Ira baby are not having a negative thoughts recurring because I'm sort of locked slowly just got an hour left. Yep. I'm partying by doing that changing world of Iraq. Sudan along the dam with Felipe he is better could be good mom. It could be better been do things put things in place way I'd read of an hour time period and I've got a Kindle already been three days and then fall asleep yet. I gave up full of them and Matthew problem that I stopped drinking last year Jan, phase gender 20th Which when I was doing the research for this was decided I want to work to find out. Yeah, so Jan 20 for Jen last year daima alcohol or ban alcohol since then. So I exercise I make sure I do some for exercise every day. But then if for the right reasons, Krishna have different intent when you're exhausted, then it was an attempt to hurt myself I was purchasing some nails look to for health benefit and make sure I go and look like we're lucky enough to live near the ocean. I'm not sure to look look at the Arsenal because if you when you're he has synthetics state your vision is tunnel vision. One thing I've learned is like is really good because it opens your visual and when your visions are open. It's hard clean a sympathetic state. So once you that's why it's so important and and having a good support system that can teach you certain things, tricks because you can have a trip block back that I'm triggered. This is what this is my go to so you have a list of tools in your toolkit. So to complete the at the end, you drag it out so that's all I was doing. So as I'm feeling really anxious, what can I do ROI I'll do a mindfulness breathing so why can they hadn't been through Montes ultimate mighty self hypnosis during that period of time maybe gone for a walk on the beach, in the sand at one open? We'll hear that one you throw a bunch of dolphins and how wonderful here than what it does. It just knocks down to a place where you can start thinking it out of that sympathetic state, hit a get a date your day, but you've got to learn. You got to learn new tools with PTSD, the things you've got to put them working, you've got to be prepared but working once you do that, that's where the benefits are once us once you get to a point and I think sometimes it's bad that fans have a lot of people have to reach their low point In order to lock that, I need to do some work on it hit once you reach that low point, and then staff to flip the script, take control. And then you have to put the working. Yeah. And want to put the work in in your loan your tools in your toolkit. And now think now. So I had this thing where walk, it's okay. Is Everyone's tired around a buffet a water? Bluff, that sort of metaphor? Fair, fair? Well, I think given what what everyone's doing, you can either say fill it up or take moderate, but always think like, when you distress is the amount of water that's in that bucket. And what the tools are just a tool to take some water out. That's how I picture it online. You wake up sometimes and your bucket full of water because you haven't slept, you haven't been eating the right foods, like you had a nightmare built into last night. And that's added water in overnight. And you've worked out many buckets completely foreheads actually tipping over it, you need something to take that water to give us a room to be able to help you. Yes. And you got to work in what those are. Yeah. And that without thinking now, I have pulled those off the hard one to answer what you retain them because

Andy Fermo: 41:20

you need to change it. So

Damien Mullen: 41:21

you've got the tools. Yeah, what it does is make sure a dark my bucket that I'm carrying around, isn't full. And if it is, I know that it's full now. And I've said that and I'm not feeling great. So at the moment, I'm looking for a job and full time job. And I'm applying for a job at an actual clock and recession monitor my trigger is given an incident is waiting. So I've submitted my resume then from that submission of my resume to get an A phone call back. That's I'm not in control of whether they slept me for an interview or not. On waiting for a phone call waiting is a trigger through through my PTSD that I had my interview, I believe my T shirt and collar believe would be a good play. But now I'm waiting to hear back to what RMC says whenever it's a trigger. So I'm actually probably now working harder than I have for the last four years because I know that I am triggered on Waking. Yes,

Andy Fermo: 42:23

that's the that's the acknowledgement and the self awareness that's, that is for me or for Damian is that I have the tools in my toolkit will see this is where you're at and I think that's the most you can do right you're you're vulnerable in this state now because you have to wait I don't know what the outcome is. It's the uncertainty and unknown that you talked about earlier in the podcast and then go and what have I got now to be out and it doesn't mean that it takes away from that waiting and there was

Damien Mullen: 42:52

a she named worth different the deputy principal and we can't help but feel like when your jobs been taken away and you create being taken away and she'd been progressing and we was a person that the same son right? What that that bit the fourth car cupboard fuel to Guild Wars. Guild Otisville crap. Did you feel like it should be sergeant was saying, yeah. Hey, I'm down for a job as a front counter. Yeah, at the police station, like the higher crazies blow off. Yeah. But I get close. I'm not at the moment. Here. I'm welcome feeling like crony because I'm waiting around triggered in that. And then that's when I'll just take my my read, do my breathing and stuff like that, try and pull those tools out? Yes.

Andy Fermo: 43:34

From the throw the darts he was gonna see a sudden was they want to seek and that's one of the big ones and cannot ask. So having said that, and you mentioned before that you're progressing at that thing. Now from a sort of, like from a male point of view. And this is just actually from from a male point of view. Does that make you feel low? Knowing that's happening? Does that make you any feel that you're any less of a man in terms of that and going do you compare yourself ago, that was the rate that we were going on now? I'm doing these things? Does

Damien Mullen: 44:03

that that's tough. Yeah. Yeah. No, tough but still, it's a trigger still now to this day. As to that question, what do you do for work? Because the moment I'm not working, like we've discussed before, but did some work as a peer support officer? Yes. For soldiers and sailors? Yes. You want to come over here? That was probably the best I've found because I love that job. And that's what I want to do it. Yeah, the Junkman there for me locking but volunteer to have volunteered on so I'm hoping to get this part of June. I don't it's point five seconds from where point five? Yep. And then I want to Boland T in peer support to help others. But it's it's a trigger to that. What's What do you do for work? Because I feel like most of the societal norm time Yeah, I can't help but feel like I had the I should be doing something more and I'm embarrassed or shouldn't be embarrassed because you shouldn't tie your identity out here. Deployment Income add there. We do. Yeah, that's that's a side. Yeah, that's what we do a lot got my son plays football and he's the parents of his football team. And there's some mock CEOs of the places and companies and that and, and it is there and they're lovely people, they don't judge me and then you can't have to judge yourself. Yes. That's pretty you're talking about with that? Yes. Yeah. And you're like on TV, I can hold a conversation I can. I believe I'm good now to do some more important, believably playful. Lately, I think I'd love to do something quick, more impact and feel like, once I yeah,

Andy Fermo: 45:43

I think that that's a bit annoying. Where you are in your journey now says that film has a purpose. That

Damien Mullen: 45:49

is to help others and to help others that are going through PTSD, to have someone that's going through pain and provide hope but not only hard, give them some tools, help them guide them through it with proper socks. And yes, psychiatrists and all that. That that's an I did do that. Yeah. And delivery, simply say this is

Andy Fermo: 46:14

at the moment, I just, yeah, yeah, the bar thing. And that's the thing we win, thanks for sharing that man. Because I think as males, and I'm speaking from a male viewpoint that's come in and from a societal norm, that it's like, the male has to be the breadwinner. And I just did a series on that, coming in this and he comes to that question, you got the question there that comes in, you know, you might have these other things in place. But still, there's that societal thing there. And they comes in, but also there's that as a blog, I'm self critical on myself here. Like I'm holding these conversations with these other people, you have enough data, there's no judgement there from live from, but then it still gets into head. And that's the thing about feeling that purpose along that journey. And I'm wishing you all the best in regards to that. Hopefully, that sort of pans out with what's going on, because it's all that part of that that ride that we're on. But what we were talking about is having those tools now that having done that work, and it is it's fucking hard work to be able to get to that stage now where you have these tools, but then going now that life might throw me a curveball. I've got the tools that allow me to deal with that situation in a much more positive coping way. Right and that's not saying that you're not going to step back or something might happen that that knocks you back a couple of things. But then it's like I've got the tools now to be able to pick myself up in a much more efficient way. And what

Damien Mullen: 47:38

was your team up tell him this is Alex I'm almost there because some a lot of it I forgot all of them been able to tell because those years as bad as what they are I don't regret going through that at all old hurts would again because it makes you feel like you're a better person when you go through for always thought what was always I was treated people with respect and and had empathy for people but I did. And Mark most of the place was isn't that fuck all. I've just arrested other Draghi or something. So hold on a minute, will cost this story. People don't just become dragees for trauma, if they ever had trauma from going out of bullet is some sort of race and that but if your dark guard is true, and it then block the source something in your law here, dark dude that minute I've built his resilience. Blade firmly believed that in order to build resilience, you have to go through tough things you have to get through PTSD. City, your rundown, wrong 40 County native run that to that. And so you've got to lock doors from you can grab some hardest spear in the city. And then one of the things with PTSD and what I've gone through, and whatever the culture is, or when you go through something tough, who you think is tough, you've got something to go now that's not tough. There's writing a suicide note to my family and my kid that's not that you've got the ability that is true resilience. Yes. When you know, you've gone from rock bottom. And it's those experiences on it got to me want to take that back. Now there's no, that's the growth there, right, the depth, the growth, it's dealt with people and help people that it goes through PTSD and rock solid, good luck. Or you've got some ways to fall still, you're probably going to fall again. You're going to end it's hard. It's tough a dip and you're trying to be there to support him. But as you read better, who is better? I want you to get through that. Yes, suck up a better person. You'll have more empathy for others and you grow into a better person. Yeah. All round, well rounded person,

Andy Fermo: 49:48

but it's hard to be outside because you go up. Here's the results. Now here's the result. Here's the tools. I know that these tools work, but you're not ready to be able to. You're not ready to wield that sword right now. Because you still need work or, or your situation and it's not, I'm not trying to put anyone down or there's, your situation hasn't gotten to that point there where you're ready to be able to set Harney to actually like, in your case that you were saying them in is, okay, I've done these things are suicidal out, there was a flicker of hope in that flicker of hope, whatever it might look from someone in the audience like, now, I'm ready to be able to be have an open mind to trying something different. And these are the tools that will enable you to do that over time. And it's like a jigsaw puzzle. It'll throw the darts on the board and see what will did. But to get to that point where you're actually ready to accept that that's the big Munch mindset shift,

Damien Mullen: 50:39

you're going to be ready. And that's how, I don't know why I laugh like this. But you just sometimes just got to be broken, to lock the ball better. But you get fixed better than what you were before.

Andy Fermo: 50:52

And that's what you just said that's the thing. Resilience, right? And that's coming from being at that rock bottom. You can't get any further you're killing but that's not pro life. Right? Yeah. And then like you were saying is, well, who's that gonna? Alternatively effect? And that's the thing, you know, with suicide, there's a lot of flow on effects from that. But we're talking about pro life here in our conversation and where we're at, this is the journey that we're moving forward. And from here made looking closer, we'll go on, well, this is gonna be a multi episode. Basically, it me No, no, that's okay, man. But I'll really appreciate you being able to shoot before. Yes, well, it's being able to share to share that man. And I think that there's going to be a lot of our audience there, especially the first responders in the audience. They're like, I know that there's lots of military that change over to be first responder or just straight off the bat. I'm like you did that that will connect with your story just through through what you've shared today. Moving to close up, what was spoken about? Is there a couple of things that you'd like to be able to share with someone that might have been in not that good of style, you mentioned that you had done the peer work, peer support work before, to say they're not in the best state and they're looking, these things are starting there on the couch. And if you could cast your mind back to Damien that was on the couch there thinking from where you are now. What would you say? What would you say to someone that was in that situation? Or what would you say to Damian that was in that situation now, from your viewpoint?

Damien Mullen: 52:17

Yeah, so that's the way that's an eighth one, too. There's hope and you can get better. Because cuz they went, Oh, I was backing that Tong, let's change or I couldn't seem to find it either. Anyway, motivate out there that you could improve and you can actually rip off damage that actually recovery. Yeah, everything I've read saw her it was all you've got it for life, aspects of it. You've got for Latinos to get better, and life aren't getting any better, are bad. And that's why I fully believed in the peer support sister is key in innate to find hope, when you don't if there is any. And then yeah, if I had that conversation, and or if I had a peer support, they wouldn't have to hit rock bottom. But don't get me wrong. There's peer support. And we could call myself as Yeah, open that. But I still believe I needed to probably hit more bottom and what not a bank maybe so far down. Yeah. taking so long. But Jeff, yeah, that that hope that and hoping that there's yeah, there's recovery and not only recovery, fully believing you, you get better, you'd build yourself better, stronger, more resilient. Yeah. And a better person.

Andy Fermo: 53:35

Yeah, in whichever way that looks for you. And I think that's the big one. Thanks for sharing. And when you're working on these things, it's all about in your situation, right? What might work for you. It's not let's say for example, for me, right? I'm like, I'm not going to compare myself to the Joneses to what I feel that success is right and worked on myself now. I know that the tools that I can do to be able to cope with some whatever might happen. And that is my idea of six or a good day, right? It's not alone, John, I had a shit day and this is what happened to them and that's your, this is your situation. And and that's a big one though, as well as not judging that thing. That's okay. This is what I'm putting together for my situation. And these are the tools in my toolkit. It's sitting up here you mentioned before it's setting up your bloody gear about to go out on the job right everyone's got a different setup. The tools might be similar when you could pull them out Yeah, but the difference though, and

Damien Mullen: 54:30

the other one will not compare and is not comparing your story to someone else's in terms of debt your trauma long because we always underplay like yeah there for me it was what it was someone's listening didn't need to see a dead child or something like that. Here are the smallest are yours might be whatever it is the dark downplay it. Yes. To get energy is whatever your that's what you're feeling. Yeah. And that's a big one. I think the PTSD is off by we are hard on ourselves because we don't have gas Laurie, what our trauma wasn't as much as the next person. That's true. And it's the same as recovery cycle recovering quick. Are you always judging it falls on others? Yeah. And said, being harmed and just showed me so I was on talking yourself and you stuff. And like

Andy Fermo: 55:15

that took two, four tours forward steps today. And there was a backward step. But I've moved forward

Damien Mullen: 55:21

in time. Because I mean, then what I thought at the time or two steps forward, one step back, and it was always one step forward, there was days where you're obviously, the heats the days where I was like, right, two steps, five steps, and complete four steps back, how can I do this, and you're playing him on that, then you get that moment where it's like a little bit more for and depth, when you learn, you can say that you're still progressing forward. The roller coaster, you've got him, right. And that's the heartbeat. So as long as you are there, there's hope at the end of that roller car is done. As you can ride it and you go out, and then you you do go down. And sometimes it is four steps, and cannon and you lock. Or if someone was to waser in the time, that's what you gain, then you merge, you get to the next day that wasn't as bad as what

Andy Fermo: 56:09

was those moments will pass that feeling will pass.

Damien Mullen: 56:13

You lead path and

Andy Fermo: 56:15

it and you need that wedge in you need that wedge to come in as a word, that word

Damien Mullen: 56:19

and it's a good it's yeah. Can you hear me? So what I'm currently that's based off the Wim Hof. It's a really good book because he went there to do the Wim Hof course, to write a bad story down and then turn around and was like,

Andy Fermo: 56:34

Oh, I've I've self some insights around this. And so I have stolen a lot in the world, since I think it's quite like it's all it's all r&d These days made it's rip off and duplicate. But look, I think it's just how you apply it. And that's the thing is, from what you've said, There's you've gone more now on to the stages have tried this, and I was diligent in that exact method. But now I've Damien refined it. And I can take the bits from that method and this method and that story and that wage, and then apply it to my own situation now, because you've you've assembled your own toolkit, but that's the work that needs to be done isn't it's all going to take what I connect with, and what I can implement in my own situation, then go in, mate, thank you so much for for coming in. And, and and for the opportunity to share your story with our audience today. It's very brave of you to be able to come in and share that. And also be able to really, I've got so much appreciation and gratitude for you to be able to in how much growth you've just also said because I mean, it takes a lot to go from the bottom to come up to be in your particular situation where you are now and so I really commend you for how much growth you've been able to do that and share with our audience, man. So thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it. Awesome, man. Thanks.

Claire Fermo: 57:53

Join us next time for the next episode of the invisible injuries podcast. Don't forget to subscribe. For more great content, follow us on our socials on Instagram. And you can also visit our website www dot invisible injuries.org.au where you can access more content. Thank you for listening to invisible injury