'They Are as You Choose to See Them'- Changing Your Perception from Pain to Healing in Your Relationships

When the world seems to spin in a never-ending cycle of miscommunication and hurt, where do we find the strength to see beyond the behaviors and pain of those in our life? If 'They are as we choose to see them'- what are you choosing to see?
Our latest episode is a heartfelt exploration of the transformative power that shifts in perception can have on our relationships. Join me as we unravel the complex tapestry of human relationships, finding clarity and compassion in the midst of life's chaos. By sharing my own journey of inner change and the epiphanies that have guided me, I'll show you how to reclaim your power and discover peace, regardless of the external turmoil that surrounds you.  We'll reflect on the concepts of  Soul Recovery, the spiritual path to healing that begins with releasing the grip of others' dysfunctions. There's a spiritual grounding awaiting to illuminate your healing journey, one that I've found through personal experiences and that I share with you, so that you too can cultivate deeper connections and live a happy, connected life.

Want to listen to the episode I mention in the podcast 'It is as I choose to See it?' or listen to the song I wrote when I was being called to Soul Recovery?

For more information about Rev. Rachel Harrison and Recover Your Soul

Join others on the Soul Recovery journey on Monday July 1st from 6-7PM on Zoom for the FREE Soul Recovery Support Group. This month we will be talking about 'Criticism and Judgement.' I will give a brief talk, open for questions and then we will break into small groups.  Register on the website, or if you have already registered- be on the look out the day of the meeting in your inbox for a reminder email.  

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Transcript

Rev Rachel Harrison: 0:59

If you have people in your life who are struggling or relationships that are complex and difficult, it's easy to get attached to the pain. It's easy to get attached to the story or the fear and we begin to see people through those stories, the pain and the fear, and we lose track of the souls that are underneath the wholeness that actually is underneath the dysfunction that is underneath the dysfunction that is underneath the upset, and we begin to attack them and through that we actually end up hurting ourselves. We give our power away. And this episode where we are learning that they are as we choose to see them, we begin to look at the difference between the facts that are happening in our lives that are painful and how to be in that pain, be in those feelings and still be able to choose how we see them, interact with who we choose to see and to see them from a more clear, compassionate and honest lens. Enjoy the episode. Welcome to the Recover your Soul podcast a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life. Enjoy the episode control addiction.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 2:20

I was guided to share the tools and principles of spirituality and soul recovery to help others transform their lives, as mine was transformed. For us to overcome external circumstances. We need to turn the attention to ourselves, focusing on our inner change and healing. Positive results in our lives will follow. Welcome back to Recover your Soul. I'm Rev Rachel and I am so grateful that you've chosen to spend your time with me here today, because we are doing our soul recovery. We are learning how to take our power back. We are learning how to let go of the complexity and the chaos of the outside world to determine whether we're okay or not. That's why we're here and if you're new to the community, welcome. This is an amazing, amazing community of people all over the world who have found this podcast. Through whatever door you walked through and you are finding yourself here, we are going to learn how to let go of what is on the outside that we think. That we think is telling us whether we're okay, whether we're happy, whether we're validated, whether we're enough, and we're learning to turn within and find that comfort, that peace, that truth within ourselves, where our power lies. That is soul recovery.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 3:40

Today I wanted to expand on something that you hear me probably say in the podcast a lot, which is it is as I choose to see it, and this came to me a couple years ago, when I had this major epiphany through my spiritual practices, through the teachings, through the readings that I'm doing, and I had that deep awareness that it is as I choose to see it. I get to determine how I'm going to see it, and there is a podcast called it is as I choose to see it, and you can go to my website, recover your soulnet, which is an easy way to search any of the topics. I know on some of the platforms you can't actually search for a podcast, but on the website you can, and it's from June of 2022. But what I want to talk about today is they are as we choose to see them. Can you feel the difference? In that? It is as I choose to see? It is the world, the situation, the circumstances. But what I want to really come into is this truth from a spiritual place, that they are as we choose to see them, because you probably come here because you have somebody in your life, or a couple people, or a family of people, or a workforce of people, whatever it is that feels like it's heavy, it's a lot, it's too much, that they're unhealthy, that they're angry, that they're, they're, they're, they're, they're whatever. We get caught up in thinking that they are to us and through the law of attraction, through metaphysics, through spirituality, there is this incredible awareness when you can change your perception to realize that we choose it. We choose how we're going to see it, we choose how we're going to interact with it, and that's what I want to talk about today. I'm going to use my family, of course, as my examples, because this soul recovery experience is based on my experience. It's based on my healing.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 5:49

If you've been listening to the podcast for a while, you know my stories. You know how dark and how desperate I was just six years ago in my life, that I was pretty despondent and I was an alcoholic myself, but I was a really deep codependent and I was depressed and I didn't think there was a reason for living. I really had given up on feeling like there was any opportunity for happiness or expansion in my life. And something called to me. There was a calling to me that I needed to wake up, that it was time to wake up, that it was time to make a change, it was time to do and be different. And that call that we get allows us to start to open up to something even greater still, and this is a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life, and whatever spirit is to you is what it is to you. So I'm not here to tell you what that is, but I do believe strongly that having connection to something even greater still, whatever that is for you, is the key to truly releasing and letting go of the pain that we hold on to in this very 3D world that we live in.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 7:15

If you're ready for soul recovery, as a spiritual coach I can support your healing to help make real changes that will bring you a life of peace, happiness, connection and abundance. You can also work in smaller groups by taking a deep dive in a Zoom workshop or with me in person at a retreat or an event. Join others on the Soul Recovery Path, once a month for the free Zoom support group or daily on the private Facebook page. Visit the website recoveryoursoulnet to book coaching sessions with me or find all the information you need about soul recovery dates that are coming up and how to register for those groups and workshops. To support the podcast and the community, check the links in the show notes to make a small monthly donation or a one-time donation of your choice. That will make a huge impact to support this community and the soul recovery mission. Together we can do the work that will recover your soul.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 8:12

I want to talk a little bit about my husband, to start, and then my kids, because, as I've made this switch in my life around, it is as I choose to see it. You can start to think that that means that we personally are responsible for taking something less than and that's not at all what I choose to see. It is all about, or they are as I choose to see them. It's not about allowing behaviors or situations that are unhealthy to you to continue to persist. That is not at all what this is about. This is about empowerment and awareness that we, our minds, our ability to see the situation are all filtered through our perception, our experiences, our past experiences, the life that we've lived so far. And of course it is. Of course it is. Everybody is doing the same thing. Everybody can only perceive the world through what they know, what they have learned, what they have seen, and so, if you think about how that perception starts at a very base level and it's very factual. It's very black and white, it's trying to figure out why things are the way that they are and then to determine why they are what they are.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 9:37

We make up stories that make sense for however our development was at that time, for wherever we were in our stage in life, we make up the stories, the behaviors, the patterns, the beliefs that go along with making sense of a nonsensical world, and that's how we survive. And then we create our relationships with people based on these beliefs that we've set up for our entire lifetime. And again, it's not about judgment. You've heard me say a million times and I can't say it enough because it's so true because we're told to judge that someone's right, someone's wrong, this is good, this is bad. Judge that someone's right, someone's wrong, this is good, this is bad.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 10:26

In soul recovery and spirituality, the invitation is to start to release that attachment, to release and let go of the need to have a judgment about anything and to just start to look at it and have awareness for what it is. So when we look at relationships, when we look at the people in our lives, we were trained to believe that you did this to me and therefore I feel this way. You treated me this way and therefore I am this, and I don't know a single person on the planet who doesn't have some pain from childhood that tells them that they're unlovable, unworthy, not enough, unvalued. We all end up with this fascinating underbelly judge part of us critic that believes on some level that we are not enough. I've never met somebody who doesn't have that, maybe just a tiny bit, and isn't that fascinating? Isn't that interesting that that's what we end up getting. Whether we had parents who tried everything to tell us how wonderful we were so much so that it overdid it that we feel all these incredible pressures to live up to their expectations or whether we had parents that had no tools in their toolbox to do the best that they could for us, we end up with some pain that needs to be resolved and through that pain we project onto the world a need for the people in our lives to fix and validate and love us and see us and do for us in ways that are trying to mend these holes in our heart from growing up.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 12:27

So when I think about this place in my life where I chose to see my husband, in particular from this viewpoint of this starry-eyed woman, 22 years old, met him he was 25 at the time. If you've ever listened to the music that I have on the website and also on my Spotify. There's a song I wrote for him that's called I Fell For you, and it's about like I thought I was so grown up. You know, when we met I thought I was so mature and I'd already had life, and on some level we are in our twenties. We've had a lot of life by then, but in the grand scope of really figuring out who we are, it's not until the thirties, forties or fifties that we have any concept really of our larger self. And when I met him, I had this ideal of what I thought marriage was going to look like, what I thought that partnership was going to look like, what I thought normal was, what I thought being successful was. I had all these pieces in my head that come from what we've seen in the world around us.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 13:45

And when you first fall in love with somebody, everything is on its icing on the cake. Generally we're showing up in our absolute best. I know I was, and not only was I showing up my absolute best, I was showing up to be what I thought he wanted me to be, so he was trying to be what I thought he wanted me to be. So he was trying to be what he thought I wanted him to be. So on some level, in those beginning relationships, we're actually not authentically really showing up with the person that we're going to end up with, which is so fascinating. So we are seeing them already from the way that we choose to see it. They are who we choose to see them as they are and it's from this perspective of what we want them to be, how we want them to be, and then, as time goes on, they disappoint us. Of course they do. Nobody is here to fulfill us entirely. We are so connected, thinking why don't you do this for me? Why don't I get this, what I need from you? And of course we want connection. Of course we want to have authenticity in our relationships. Of course we want to be safe. Of course we want to be seen, of course we want to be heard and we deserve to have that in our relationships. But when we're looking at people through the lens of our expectation, then we are not actually seeing what's there.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 15:19

Now, when I think about those 10 or 15 years, I always say 10 or 15, it was a solid 15 years, these 15 years of my marriage, where it went from the starry-eyed let's make a family together. By the time we'd had two kids, we were thoroughly into our alcoholism. Rich was really into his alcoholism at this time. He was building a house up in the mountains and was gone for three years. For eight months out of the year he would come back for the summers where he could make a whole bunch of money down in doing construction and building in locally. But he spent the hardest parts of the entire year in the mountains of Colorado living in a tent, building a house out of a generator. And I had two little kids and you know how he fueled himself in those times to make it through. That really rough time was he drank. That was his reward, that was his fuel, that was his energy to be able to do this project that he was really passionate about. And I started to see him as I chose to see it, which was a man who left, somebody who was an alcoholic, who came back over the weekends and was checked out.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 16:34

Now what's interesting is those things are true. There's a difference between our attachment to how we choose to see it and being clear about facts. There are facts in life. He was working his ass off and he was gone and he was checked out over the weekends and he was drinking way too much. But what I want to talk about in this episode is the power that we have within ourselves to see the facts and then to connect with how we choose to see them. How we choose to see them. They are as we choose to see them and when.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 17:19

In that period and I can't blame myself for this I have to give myself so much grace, so much compassion and grace because I was in pain, I felt lost, I felt left and I had these two babies. And he was out there doing his passion and you know what he was doing. He was building something that was his dream and he was providing and so, on his end, he didn't want to be abandoning me, he didn't want to be abandoning his kids, he was exhausted. But I couldn't see that. All I could see was my pain.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 17:59

And when I realized and I look at our marriage in those 15 years, that pain seed that was planted in those years started a way that I couldn't unsee it, I couldn't see him without the filter of the abandonment, without the filter of the anger of being so consumed in his work and that his drinking created an environment where there was what comes from drinking, which is a lot of intensity, and so I chose to see him as the other, I chose to see him as sick, I chose to see him as intense, I chose to see him as angry, and I separated and pulled back and started having a foot out the door and started telling all my friends that I wasn't happy in my marriage and I started to not be a loving wife and I started to do all the things that we do to try to control and manipulate and I started to undercut his respect. I didn't respect him or give him the attention that he needed because I was in so much pain. And those are facts, those are true things, and those feelings that I had were incredibly valid and incredibly true, and this is the peace and soul recovery that I think is so important is, we're always coming back to the awareness that how we feel is important. Those years hurt. Those years were incredibly painful and incredibly difficult.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 19:45

Now, if we are choosing to see people from this lens, when we awaken just a little bit and start to recognize that everybody is doing this, everybody is looking at the world through their lens, through their needs, through their experiences, through their pain, through their needs, through their experiences, through their pain, and every single person is showing up with what they have to offer at that time, from their health or from their dis-ease, from their unhealthiness. That that's what they have to offer. And until we awaken to the ability to be present in what is from an expanded place, we will attach to people for their dysfunction, for the things that make us angry, for the behaviors that we don't like. We will attach to those things and we will relate to that, and when we do that, we are choosing to see them as the enemy, as the person who is broken, as the person who is sick, as the person who is hurting us, and they become that. They become that and we can't see them as anything else. They become that and we can't see them as anything else. Can you feel the energy around that? Can you feel how there's no control in that?

Rev Rachel Harrison: 21:24

In soul recovery, what we're learning is we're powerless over every single thing outside of ourself, every single thing outside of ourself, and this desire for us to attach to somebody else's dysfunction takes our power away, because that says to ourselves that if they would be different, then we would be better. If they would be okay, then I can be okay. If he would be this way, then I could be actually be happy. So what's really fascinating is to really look at for myself, to look at those years in our marriage and in our life where I couldn't see past the stuff that was really hurting me. And Rich felt it. He felt it, he knew it. He used to say a lot I don't think you like me, and the truth was sometimes I didn't, because what I was looking at was I was looking at the parts of him that I had become attached to that I didn't like and all of my energy was going out to them, to him, to them, to him, to them, to him. There was very little energy coming back to. How can I attend to myself? How can I choose to be present with this in a different way? How can I see him with love? How can I take care of the parts of me that are hurting? I was putting all my energy on. If they would be different, if he would be different, then I could be okay.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 23:00

So what changed for me in my spiritual journey was to awaken and to have just enough space. It just takes a tiny shift to begin to look at things through a clearer lens, to recognize the actual facts that are happening and then decide am I going to see this person through their dysfunction or can I open up and see underneath the true nature of the person that is there, which in all of us is wholeness, in all of us is love and light. It might be very covered in dysfunction, but every time we are connected to their dysfunction and not their inner being, we're just making that dysfunction even more true, even more present. That's who we're interacting with. When I finally got sober and started in AA and started in Al-Anon as that started these programs for me I'd been in a spiritual center for a long time.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 24:15

It was as if I was hearing the teachings that I had been listening to in that church for 20 years for the first time, and I heard the steps in a new way and I recognized that I had been very attached to the dysfunction of everything, that that was what I was choosing to see and that for each person, I was choosing to see them in a way of how they didn't give me what I needed, how they hurt me, how they were this, how they were that, instead of just seeing them as human beings with their own complex nature, with their own pain, and to see who they actually are in their goodness and their beauty, and what he has to offer, what she can offer, who they are, who they truly are, I started to choose to see him in a different light and I started to see the man who has worked incredibly hard for our family for 32 years, who never gives up, day in and day out, goes out and does this incredibly physically difficult labor, who is creative, who is funny, who is intense, who is really into doing things that are way outside of my scope of excitement you know all the water sports and the board sports who grew up as an alcoholic and from an alcoholic home, from an alcoholic home, who is kind and devoted to his family and has ADHD and is creative. And I started to look at him for him instead of for who I thought I wanted him to be. And when the smoke cleared, there was a really beautiful human being sitting there looking at me, and the more that I interacted with those parts of him, it is as I choose to see him. I started to see a human being who had a lot of pain himself over the last 15 years, who is also trying to figure out who he is and how he can be in the world in a healthier way. And through this I was able to do the work of forgiveness and soul recovery, which is a whole other topic in another episode and I've talked about it before.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 26:48

But when I'm attached to his ugliness that I perceive I'm also attached to all the ugliness and all the pain that has happened in our relationship. It's not to say that hasn't happened, it absolutely is true. But I get to pick whether I'm going to continue to relive those memories, whether I'm going to continue to stay in the validation of that's who he is and create that in him. And I often tell people when I work with you one-on-one and I said this recently in the support group as well when you're interacting with people who are in a difficult place and we see them as sick, we see them as broken, we see them as not being able to do for themselves.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 27:42

They know that that's how we see them and then that's the reflection that they're getting. How are they supposed to feel better about themselves, want to do better for themselves, feel that they know that they can do better for themselves when they're in the depths of their pain and suffering. If the reflection that they get back is that they're broken Now, their situation may be broken. That's a fact. But the under person, the soul underneath, but the under person, the soul underneath, that's the important place to choose how you're going to see it. Who are you going to interact with? What part of them are you going to put the energy into? And from that you can start to look at facts and you can start to have some distance in how you're responding to a situation, how you're responding to a person and noticing that a lot of your desire to attach to the pain and the suffering is the stuff that you need to work on.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 28:45

I have sadness and grief over those years with my kids and the years that he was gone doing the work on the house. That's okay. It's okay to have felt left in those years. But it's not okay to then create an entire story and interact with somebody from a way that they did to you something and then blame them and then have grievance and attachment to the pain. Just have the pain. It's okay to have the pain.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 29:24

So now with Rich, what's so interesting is, as I've told people before, I feel like we've been together 32 years, but I've been married to a whole bunch of different people and he's definitely been married to a lot of different people. I still can get caught in attachment to what I don't like. Believe me. Believe me, I still do this, but it's faster to come back to. It is as I choose to see it. He is as I choose to see him.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 29:56

And what's incredible is six years ago, when I started doing this deep, deep work, I saw him totally differently and I will tell you, for the last six years, it's like an entirely different human being. However, I don't actually think he's changed that much. I've changed. I have changed. My perception has changed. Now I will tell you that when you change within yourself and you start seeing and interacting with the people in your life differently, they will be different, but it's not like he became a whole other person. It's that I am drawing out from him the things that align more with what I am calling to. I'm drawing out of him his grace and his humor and his kindness and his patience. I'm drawing out safety that allows him to actually work on some of his own stuff and feel safe to talk to me about it and safe for him to show up in his best self most of the time. And that is a benefit of us putting our attention on ourself first is that we stop needing them to be a certain way for us to be okay and we realize we're responsible for our happiness. This goes with my kids too. They are as I choose to see them.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 31:24

When we look at our children and they're struggling and they're having a hard time and what we see in them is someone who is they're having a hard time and what we see in them is someone who is struggling and having a hard time. We don't want to be validating or encouraging that behavior, but we want to be showing up in a way that has boundaries, that is not being codependent or enabling. That isn't also burying your head in the sand and pretending like nothing's going on. I'm just going to Pollyanna and see you as perfect and wonderful. It's not about that. It's about this perception within ourselves that can notice and see the complexity of somebody else, the problems that they might be experiencing, and not attach those to the soul that is on the inside, and to remember to shine your light on their light and to speak about and talk about and have interactions that can differentiate between the soul and the behaviors, so that they can differentiate between the soul and the behaviors, so that they can differentiate between the soul and the behaviors, so that they can recognize that they want to step into their wholeness.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 32:37

And as you do the same for yourself, looking at the difference between your soul and your beliefs and your behaviors, and you let go more and more and more, surrender, more and more and more, you're coming back to yourself, you're pulling your power into yourself, you're allowing people to have their own experiences and you're connecting with the true nature, the higher selves that are in all of us, and letting this human experience that is sticky and messy and complicated, be as it is and work itself out as it needs to for each person. They are as we choose to see them, and I see my husband as whole, I see my children as whole, I see my friends and family as whole and I see them having complex lives. I see myself as whole, who sometimes has a very complex life, but this is power and strength and connection to a source that is healing you and healing them, as always, if you need help and support with anything around this and you want to work directly with me or to take the new Work, the Steps, on your Own program, visit the website. I'm here to support you and this shift. They are as I choose to see them and I choose to see the light. I choose to see the light, I choose to see the wholeness I choose to interact with that can change your life profoundly.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 34:18

Until next time, namaste, thank you for listening to the Recover your Soul podcast and if you loved what you heard here, every Friday we have a a bonus episode and you can access this by becoming a subscriber through Apple Podcasts for only $3.99 a month, or become a Patreon member and on this platform you can choose $5, $15, or $25 a month to show what you want to support the show with. On both of these subscriber platforms is an entire catalog of back episodes intended to inspire and support you on your soul recovery journey. I really want to invite everybody to attend the free once a month, every first Monday of the month support group. This is on zoom. Everyone is welcome to attend and by giving a like or a review and sharing this with your friends and family really helps us to share the soul recovery message with even more people.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 35:16

We are on social media. We are on all the platforms. I am on TikTok. You can listen to guided meditations by Rev Rachel Harrison on Insight Timer. Thank you for supporting the show. Thank you for being part of the community. To find out more about soul recovery and everything that's being offered, visit the website wwwrecoveryoursoulnet. Together, we can do the work that will recover your soul.