Overcoming People-Pleasing, Learning to Say No, Protecting Your Energy and Embracing Soul Recovery

What if reclaiming your energy and setting boundaries could transform your life forever? Join us as we unravel the profound journey of overcoming people-pleasing, enabling, and codependency. I share my personal experiences of recovering from alcoholism and codependency, focusing on the life-changing effects of turning inward for healing and growth. Discover how recognizing and adjusting our relationships and environments can lead to a more peaceful and aligned life, supported by the powerful principles of neuroplasticity and spiritual awakening.

For more information about Rev. Rachel Harrison and Recover Your Soul- visit the website www.recoveryoursoul.net  use the code TRYASESSION for 40% off your first Spiritual Coaching session when you book on the website.  Visit the website for all events and groups to get involved in Soul Recovery and the community.

Soul Recovery Support Group on Zoom -The 1st Monday of the Month, 6PM Mountain Time. This is a drop in support group where we can come together to explore, connect and support each other on our Soul Recovery journey.  Visit the website to register and receive the meeting invite.  Free to attend and donations appreciated.

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Transcript

Rev Rachel Harrison: 0:01

You know, the interesting thing about recovering from being a people pleaser or a enabler or a codependent is that we don't even realize that we are giving our energy away, and there can be times when there's not enough of our own energy for us to be our full, whole selves. We've been handing our energy over and then no wonder we get overwhelmed, no wonder we feel like there's just so much going on. We're not protecting our energy. And learning how to put yourself at the same line as everybody else instead of put other people in front of you means that sometimes you have to say no, sometimes you let go of situations or people or parties or jobs or life situations where you in the past would have just sucked it up, and you say I'm going to choose me this time and I'm going to do what's right and best for me. Enjoy the episode. Welcome to the Recover your Soul podcast a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life. My name is Reverend Rachel Harrison. I started Recover your Soul after having profound changes in my life from my recovery of alcoholism, codependency and control addiction. I was guided to share the tools and principles of spirituality and soul recovery to help others transform their lives as mine was transformed. For us to overcome external circumstances, we need to turn the attention to ourselves, focusing on our inner change and healing. Positive results in our lives will follow.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 1:46

Hello and welcome to the Recover your Soul podcast. I'm Rev Rachel and I just am so grateful for this community. I know I say it a lot, but I just want you all to know whether you're new, whether you've been coming back again and again. This community is around our healing, stepping away from a life that feels complex, that we may have had codependent tendencies towards, maybe our own addictions, maybe somebody else has some dysfunction or addiction in your life and we're learning how to use those ways of getting us here into finding ourself. We all need to go through difficult things in our life to really be turned to a place where we're ready to do whatever it takes for our own healing, for our own expansion, for our own growth. And that's how Soul Recovery was created, through my own recovery of alcoholism and, oh my gosh, just those years and years and years of trying to fix my family, trying to take care of the chaotic environment in which we lived as an alcoholic home and raising two ADHD kids with their own addictive tendencies.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 2:59

It was a lot. It was a lot, and you know we choose the people that we end up having our lives with. I know that for some of you you're thinking that's complete crap. I don't think that's true, and the more that I've stepped into my healing, the more I've stepped into the spiritual journey. I don't think it's as direct as as that might sound. It's really something even bigger still this awareness that if we can see the people in our own life, as complex as they may be, as difficult as they may be, as ways for us to mirror and see ourselves even better, so that we get to choose who we want to be, we get to choose the life that we want.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 3:46

And I'll tell you what people pleasing is sneaky, sneaky stuff. Sne. To say no, to leave situations and relationships that might be something that we would have easily done or been willing to stand through or put up with in the past that we're just realizing they don't work for us anymore. Not in a place where we're just realizing they don't work for us anymore, not in a place where they're bad people. But we just don't want the chaos, or maybe the conversations just don't enliven us, or maybe there's just not enough commonality in what you are now having in your mind.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 4:40

I know for me in soul recovery, what's happened over the last six years is that my mind has changed. I'm saying all the time that we are here experiencing a spiritual awakening and in that spiritual awakening we actually are changing the structure of our brain. And it's science, it's neuroplasticity, it is this opportunity for us to rearrange how our brains were set up when we were younger and really start to move more into what we choose, that we might choose to have a more peaceful life. And the chaos is still back there clanging around wanting its attention, saying, hey, we used to really thrive on this chaos. And we're saying, no, no, we're ready for something that's more calm, more peaceful. And as you do that, your brain starts to want more calm and peace. And I know for me, as you start to really look at the relationships in your life and the people that you're spending time with. Look at the relationships in your life and the people that you're spending time with. What are they talking about? What are their interests, what kind of conversations do you have, what are you complaining about or how are you encouraging each other? And what I love about soul recovery is.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 6:00

We're never saying that anybody is doing anything right or wrong. It's all about alignment. It's all around connection, of who we want to be. So, as people pleasers, we felt that it was our job literally our job, our responsibility in the world to do for others, to please others, to take care of others, to put others first, to make sure everybody else was okay, to be the last one in the dinner line, to be the last one that took care of yourself, to not need or want anything, to make sure that everybody else got what they wanted, because that meant that we were okay. And in that I'm sure, like me, many of you said yes to a lot of things that maybe didn't really align with you and maybe you sat around conversations where you participated but it didn't really enliven you, or you found yourself saying or doing things that weren't really true to your nature, getting caught up in other people's drama, other people's blame or upset, and then we end up not protecting our energy from that. We end up getting to a place where we burn out.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 7:15

One of the things about people pleasing and codependence is we're not minding our energy, and one of the things that I've learned in soul recovery is these concepts around energy that I understood on some level energy. But if you're an empath and you feel people's feelings, then you have to be aware that you have to really protect your energy Because we're like sponges soaking up what's happening around us. So if Rich was upset or the boys were upset, it's like I was a dry sponge just taking in all of their juices of whatever that was. I was a dry sponge going around cleaning up their energy and then I was holding that upset or holding that rage or holding that anxiety or holding that depression or holding that desire for it to turn out. And the more that I'm aware that that is a sponge, I need to be really mindful of cleaning it so that even if I take it in, I need to wash it. I need to really clean it from the energy and have it be set and ready for what's next in life. But really protecting myself.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 8:49

And when I start thinking about these concepts around energy and around how people pleasing can fill us and flood us with other people's things and other people's emotions and the difficulties and chaos of life, no wonder I didn't sleep, no wonder I had a level nine anxiety, no wonder I had depression. And that's that part where we can be really compassionate to ourselves and start to say, well, of course, this is how I felt, this is how my life was, this is what I immersed myself in, because I didn't understand boundaries, I didn't understand the value of really looking at situations and how to set up systems for myself that were better aligned to how to keep my own energy, my own spiritual sponge, clean and maybe dry, so that you're not filling it up with everybody else's stuff. So what I think about this sneakiness that I wanted to talk about today is that, even as we're doing this, awakening the soul recovery work, working the nine steps of soul recovery and again, if you don't know what the nine steps of soul recovery are, I encourage you to go to my website, recoveryyoursoulnet. They're listed on the what is soul recovery tab of the website and they have a flavor around the 12 steps. They were certainly inspired and that's where I got so much movement in my life early on, by going to AA and Al-Anon.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 10:08

But as I've moved into a more spiritual place, these steps have a deeper, metaphysical, spiritual space around them that are really around leaving the other people and turning the attention to yourself and your compassion and your healing and your awareness of your being, with no shame, with no blame, with no guilt, and saying who am I and how can I recognize these aspects of my life and begin to use the learning experiences to heal my old wounds and to step into my fullness. That's what the nine steps of soul recovery are about my fullness, that's what the nine steps of soul recovery are about. So what I think is interesting is, as I have worked these steps and again, the cool thing about steps is they're not like a ladder that you never climb again. It is a staircase that you're always running up and down and using those tools that are on each step to help you through the situations in life that come because life is complex, relationships are complex, people are complex. It is very, very complex to be a human being on this planet at this time. It has always been complex to be a human being on this planet. There's never been a time that hasn't had pain and suffering and difficulty and hardship and joys and excitement and love and grace and compassion. This is the beauty of being human.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 11:44

If you're ready for soul recovery, as a spiritual coach I can support your healing to help make real changes that will bring you a life of peace, happiness, connection and abundance. You can also work in smaller groups by taking a deep dive in a Zoom workshop or with me in person at a retreat or an event. Join others on the Soul Recovery Path, once a month for the free Zoom support group or daily on the private Facebook page. Visit the website recoveryoursoulnet to book coaching sessions with me or find all the information you need about soul recovery dates that are coming up and how to register for those groups and workshops. To support the podcast and the community, check the links in the show notes to make a small monthly donation or a one-time donation of your choice. That will make a huge impact to support this community and the soul recovery mission. Together we can do the work that will recover your soul.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 12:44

As I've done this work for myself and as I've taught this to you for the last four years, I can't believe that it's been so long that we've been in this journey together and if you go back to those first episodes, many of you go back to the very beginning and start to listen from the beginning. They are raw. They are raw and not all that great in audio quality because I didn't have any of these tools that I have now and I really was still in my process of learning how to let go of people pleasing and codependency. I was so deep still in the pain that had been my life when I started this podcast. My kids had just moved to California and I was just in the place where we were starting to separate and have detachment and the concept of letting go of people pleasing at that time still felt really difficult because my triangulation that had been my entire life for their entire upbringing was really sticky.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 13:51

And I feel for those of you who have your relationships in your homes I speak to many of you in coaching where your spouses have issues, where your kids have issues, where your moms or your dads or your brothers or sisters and you're all maybe in the same house or in the same town and and there is this element where it can get really hard because you don't have that physical space but it doesn't mean you can't do the work. It means you can double down and do the work even more to truly understand what it means to step away from needing to be validated by others, to put others first. And when we put ourselves first it doesn't mean anybody's last. It actually means we put ourselves all on the same line. We stop having a hierarchy of whose needs are more important. It's really just about us recognizing that our needs are valid and important. So, as I've done this work, what I'm trying to get to is that I still get caught. I still get caught because this isn't about getting to some finish line where there's no difficulty or complexity in life. This is about how do we show up more in integrity and intention, with a healed heart, with detachment, with the ability to be with what is, to choose to see it, and then notice that the layers continue to unpeel.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 15:23

So I am a social person, I'm an introvert, extrovert. I need my quiet time really desperately. Being an only child of a Buddhist mother, I had a very quiet upbringing, which is interesting because some part of me never learned how to have the intensity that comes from all of the people, or the yelling, or the arguments and on some level, sometimes I wish I'd had that so that I could have had that skill set. But I don't have that skill set. So I need quiet to reset my nervous system, to bring my energy back right, this piece that I didn't understand, that I wasn't regulating my energy. So I need this time to reset my energy, to clean my energy centers, to do my spiritual practice, my prayer and meditation, my journaling, to listen to the music I listen to, to set myself up so I can be of service to you all and of service in my life. And then I love being around people because I enjoy connection.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 16:33

Now, one of the things that I think is so fascinating about being more attentive to how something makes you feel right We've talked a lot about that. That that's how you can recognize what you might need to adjust a little bit in terms of, oh, this feels a little uncomfortable, oh well, why does it feel uncomfortable? Because, as a people pleaser, you wouldn't think I feel uncomfortable right now. You'd say, oh, I better suck it up. How can I make everybody else feel more comfortable? So we're looking at these aspects of ourselves where we're saying, okay, where do I feel uncomfortable? Why do I feel uncomfortable? And is there something that I can take care of myself, to protect my energy, to not be giving my energy away to everybody else in this one way direction, and can I notice if there's places that need adjustment? So what's fascinating is I have a lot of opportunities to be around different groups of people and because I'm wanting to be liked, I want to be liked. I want to be seen as somebody who's nice. I want to be seen as somebody who is kind and friendly.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 17:48

I've noticed recently that, as we're coming into spring and more in touch with each other ever since the pandemic, we're still really coming out of hiding that we were in hiding for so long. I'm getting invitations for things and I've been paying attention to what I say yes to. And what I want to really stress in this is that when you start becoming more clear about your energy and how much you have to give if I think of it as bandwidth right, you have X amount of bandwidth your sponge is only so much. It's not a sponge that can take on the entire cosmos, it's a sponge that can take on so much. And sometimes, when we're in a lot of chaos, actually the bandwidth and the sponge is smaller because it's so saturated or there's just so much going through it. So we have to be mindful that, until we've cleared out some of the emotional trauma, when, after we've started working on how our minds work, starting to really do the soul recovery, doing step one of releasing control of everything. That's how we expand our bandwidth and we expand how much we can hold space for. But it doesn't mean that you put a whole bunch of stuff in there. It just means that you have more space, more ability to witness what's happening.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 19:16

So, as people are saying, yes, I really want to go and do things with people, and I recognize that I'm setting myself up for overwhelm, I'm setting myself up for burnout, I'm setting myself up for not being able to be fully present because I'm doing too much. And again, it doesn't mean that the people in some of these situations aren't lovely, wonderful people. It means that those feelings that I get when I show up someplace and you're looking at your watch and you're thinking I still have this many more things to do today, or I have a big day tomorrow, or I wonder how quickly I can shoot out of here, that's telling you something. That is telling you something because if you are being filled up, if you are in an environment and a situation where it is helping you to regenerate your energy, you won't be doing those things. It's the people pleaser in us that doesn't want to be a bitch by saying no, that doesn't want to be seen as not being nice. Oh that Rachel. She never comes to anything. Or I've invited her a couple times and she didn't come.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 20:34

What if I just say oh, thank you so much for the invitation. I really appreciate it. You're important to me. I have a lot going on right now and I'm going to protect my energy and make sure that I have enough time to do my things. Oh my God, is that as hard for you to say as I can feel like it is for me to say? But then I go to the thing and then I'm just looking at my watch and I'm thinking how can I cut out of here so that I can go do the other thing that I either need to do or want to do? And what I really want to stress in this is the value and the importance of holding your energy and noticing when you're not protecting yourself in a way so that you are, then you become depleted, not protecting yourself in a way so that you become depleted. So if I go and I do too many of those things, then I'm rushed in getting the podcast done, I'm rushed in all of the other stuff that it takes to run the Recover your Soul community and this incredible business that has grown from it to do coaching, to have retreats, to do. I have a new TV show coming out on the ethereal network in the middle of June. There's all kinds of stuff going on and it isn't that anything is better or worse. It is what does what does align with you and what you need and what you want.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 21:55

And if you say no, can you let go of what anybody else thinks? What if they're upset? What if their feelings are hurt? That might be the case. Can we hold space to allow them to have those feelings and to not choose their feelings over our needs? And I'm going to have to say no to some things that are coming up. That would be nice.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 22:24

Today, actually, I am not at a friend's concert because I knew that I couldn't fit it all in and I had been feeling the last couple of days that I had been fitting in things and looking at my watch and saying, oh, I've got to get to that, I've got to get the podcast recorded, I've got to do these things and I wasn't enjoying my time and so I said to myself today I am going to do what I need to do, want to do what I am in alignment to do today, and I'll tell you what's so interesting is their experiences are theirs and as we let go of our belief that we are responsible for everybody else's experiences, it isn't an either or it's again starting at the line, all together in one line, instead of somebody being in a hierarchy above somebody else, in one line, instead of somebody being in a hierarchy above somebody else, because if they're feeling their feelings, if someone doesn't come to my party because they say thank you so much, rachel, for inviting me to the party, but I really looked at my schedule and I just had so much to do and I really needed to take care of myself, my healthy self would say please take care of myself. My healthy self would say please take care of yourself as your friend. I want nothing more than for you to do what feels right to you. And if I'm thinking to myself, how dare she not come to my party? Guess who has the work to do I do, if I'm saying, how dare she not come to my event, there's something inside of me that needs to be worked on and given grace and compassion, if we truly believe that everything is flowing and working out for its highest good and when everything is truly aligned, it's perfect as it is, which means that sometimes people are there, sometimes they aren't, and whatever these feelings are are actually leading us and guiding us to what is truly more aligned for us.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 24:26

I went to a party a couple weeks ago that ended up only being seven people and we had the most heartfelt, deep conversations, and I loved it. I never once looked at my watch and said, man, I got to get out of here and I had a big work day the next day. And then I've been to things where they're filled with people that I care about and that I've been friends with for a long time and we're not having those kinds of conversations and it is enjoyable, but it doesn't align with who I am now. And instead of judging it and saying, well, this isn't fun, what I need to look at is I need to say it's okay to say thank you for having me. It's time for me to go. I need to go and take care of. Well, you don't have to give an excuse. Listen to me, I'm trying to give an excuse so unhelpful, really, when we are trying to make them feel better. Thank you so much for having me. I'm going to go home.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 25:24

What if we did that to ourselves? What if we protected our energy? What if we said no more often, without guilt, without shame, knowing that the more that we protect our energy, the more that we aren't in our people pleasing. When we do show up, we are present, we are in integrity, we are able to truly embody our higher self. We can show up with compassion, with joy and grace. We can be funny, we can be quiet, we can be whoever we are. We're not trying to do for them. We're connecting and being really present with who we are.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 26:09

So, as the summer comes, I'm going to be more conscientious of being true to who I am and going to things that align with me and being kind and courteous to people who make invitations. And not be in my people, pleaser, but be in my true higher self, because if I manage my energy, I have more energy to give, and not giving it where it sucks me dry, where I'm sucking in everybody else's stuff, but where I have more bandwidth, where my sponge fills up and then I clean it and then it's good. But I'm not cleaning up anybody else's mess, I'm just being present and whole at that moment and then, when those interactions are done, there's clean, clear separation, there's detachment I don't have to think about or worry about or spend time or energy. It's about maintaining your energy space so that you can be your best you, so you can be your fullest, happiest, most joyful you with the most energy possible. That's our practice of letting go of people pleasing. It's okay to say no.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 27:26

If you need help with any of these things, I encourage you to maybe do the first step on the new work, the steps yourself soul recovery program that has two hours of video of me sharing the first step. It's only $97 and you can watch it as much as you want. For three months. Have a coaching session with me to work on a current situation, or do a coaching plan to start to work through, or work through the nine steps of recovery. I'm here to support you through it so that you, too, can have more clarity and recognize when it's okay to say no and really in my heart, I feel free. I feel free recognizing that I'm about to send some emails that say thank you for these invitations, thank you for this opportunity, but I'm going to say no. Wow, that's huge.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 28:22

And then keep updated on the social media platform to hear more about my new project. It's called Awaken your Soul. It's going to be a weekly TV show and it's going to be on the ethereal network that's coming, so I can't wait to share that with you too. Thank you so much for supporting Recover your Soul. Thank you so much for trusting me in your Soul. Thank you so much for trusting me in your life. I am honored that I am in your ear today. Until next time, namaste.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 28:50

Thank you for listening to the Recover your Soul podcast and if you loved what you heard here, every Friday we have a bonus episode and you can access this by becoming a subscriber through Apple Podcasts for only $3.99 a month, or become a Patreon member, and on this platform, you can choose $5, $15, or $25 a month to show what you want to support the show with. On both of these subscriber platforms is an entire catalog of back episodes intended to inspire and support you on your soul recovery journey. I really want to invite everybody to attend the free once a month, every first Monday of the month support group. This is on zoom. Everyone is welcome to attend and by giving a like or a review and sharing this with your friends and family really helps us to share the soul recovery message with even more people.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 29:44

We are on social media. We are on all the platforms. I am on TikTok. You can listen to guided meditations by Rev Rachel Harrison on Insight Timer. Thank you for supporting the show. Thank you for being part of the community. To find out more about soul recovery and everything that's being offered, visit the website wwwrecoveryoursoulnet. Together, we can do the work that will recover your soul.