Codependent No More: Not Allowing Your Family to Push Your Buttons

Have you ever wondered why your family members have such a unique ability to push your buttons? Join me, Rev Rachel, as we explore this fascinating phenomenon in our latest episode of the Recover Your Soul podcast. Inspired by Melody Beattie's "The Language of Letting Go," we delve into power dynamics within family relationships and the deep emotional triggers they activate. By turning the attention to ourselves, we uncover how these interactions can become powerful tools for personal growth, healing and Soul Recovery. Embracing your feelings and practicing self-care are crucial steps in our Soul Recovery journey. In this episode, we discuss the transformative power of acknowledging and honoring your emotions, leading to greater compassion, forgiveness, and tolerance within family dynamics and not allowing them to push those buttons.

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This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Chapters

• 0:00 Family Buttons in Soul Recovery
• 5:03 Detaching With Love in Family Recovery
• 22:25 Embracing Feelings
• 29:15 Soul Recovery Community and Resources

Transcript

Rev Rachel Harrison: 0:31

I know I'm not the only one who has family members that push my buttons and even with my soul recovery, it seems like those opportunities for learning and growth continue to show up in my relationship with my family and in soul recovery we're learning how to switch it from feeling like they are doing something to us, that we have no control over what's happening, and we're learning how to take control of ourself, how to turn the attention to ourself and to be able to see these buttons being pushed as an opportunity for us to grow, to shift, to expand, to change, to see things in a new light. And for today's episode, I'm reading from the Language of Letting Go Daily Meditations on Codependency by Melody Beattie, and I'm reading July 15th, which is Family Buttons, and she starts it by saying who knows better how to push our buttons than family members? And who besides family members do we give such power? Let's talk about this from the soul recovery perspective. Enjoy the episode.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 1:37

Welcome to the Recover your Soul podcast a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life. My name is Rev Rachel Harrison. I started Recover your Soul after having profound changes in my life from my recovery of alcoholism, codependency and control addiction. I was guided, to share the tools and principles of spirituality and soul recovery to help others transform their lives, as mine was transformed. For us to overcome external circumstances, we need to turn the attention to ourselves, focusing on our inner change and healing. Positive results in our lives will follow. Change and healing. Positive results in our lives will follow. Welcome to Recover your Soul. I'm Rev Rachel and I am so happy to be spending time with you here today, for us to walk on our soul recovery journey together, to be in this community where we're supporting each other, to learn how to let go of the outside world, to be able to turn the attention to ourselves, to our own transformation, to our own healing and letting go of trying to control everything around us. We are remembering who we are in the fact that we can't do anything about anything else around the world. Do anything about anything else around the world. We are here to just be a witness, to accept what is to be okay with ourselves, even when it doesn't feel okay outside, and to let people have their own experience, knowing we're powerless over every single thing outside of ourselves.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 3:10

For today's episode, I opened up my language of letting go daily meditations on codependency by Melody Beatty and turn to what will be July 15, which is the day that this will air, and I thought it was so great because it's talking again about buttons and it's called family buttons, and this goes really well with the talk that we did in the last couple episodes around criticism and how criticism is these different sides of the coin that are all around our internal buttons, our triggers that we have, that remind us of what it is that we are working on healing. We're using these buttons, these triggers, as ways to see what are the beliefs underneath, what are the patterns underneath, what is underneath our way of being in the world, the way that we see it, our subconscious patterning, and how can we show up in our lives from this higher consciousness, from this place of truly stepping into our knowing of who we are and our own experience, letting everyone else be on their own experience. But family members are some of our greatest teachers, as they say. Family members really are people who know us that. We've had all kinds of dysfunction with that. We've had all kinds of patterning with that. We have expectations. They have expectations of us. We can get so caught up in going back and attaching to these old roles that we play in the family. So I thought this was a great reading for us to continue this, this topic that we're on around letting go of the buttons and how we're going to heal ourselves.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 5:03

So, as you know, I have been inspired by so many different things, which includes 12 step, which includes work on codependency, al-anon, aa. I'm not affiliated with any of these organizations. I'm not speaking for them. I am speaking from my own interpretation. I am here for soul recovery, which is something that a term that came to me about what was happening in my own life through my recovery of codependency, people pleasing and addiction. And so take what you like and leave the rest, and just know that when I read these interpretations, when I read these books, I'm looking at it from my own healing perspective and not trying to speak for them, but I really like reading from them. Okay, so I'm just going to read from the book and then I will comment as I see fit.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 5:54

So it starts with a little paragraph from an anonymous person that's sharing their story and it says when I was 35 years old, the first time I spoke up to my mother and refused to buy into her games and manipulation, I was terribly frightened and almost couldn't believe I was doing this. I found I didn't have to be mean, I didn't have to start an argument, but I could say what I wanted and needed to say to take care of myself. I learned I could love and honor myself and still care about my mother the way I wanted to, not the way she wanted me to. What a great way to start this reading, because it has so many beautiful parts of us taking our power back, of us letting go of how other people's way that they see it, their pain, their patterns can end up being games of manipulation on us. But there's this moment when, no matter how frightened we are, that we step into our power and I love, love, love that it talks about. I didn't have to be mean, I didn't have to start an argument and I didn't have to love her the way that she wanted me to. I could honor myself and take care of myself. So that is such a great foundational part of what we're learning here in soul recovery too.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 7:15

So Melody goes on to say who knows better how to push our buttons than family members? Who, besides family members, do we give such power Right? It's like we can be out in the world and have really done some really deep work, and as soon as we show up with our family, all bets are off sometimes. If you've ever listened to Ram Dass, you know that I love listening to Ram Dass and he tells a story about how he went to India. And you know he's sitting out in the hills of the Himalayas and he's doing all this meditation and he's been on hallucinogens forever and his mind is open and he said he's just, you know, walking on air, he's just so full of the light. And he comes back from India and the instant that he sits down in front of his father, his buttons are pushed and he goes right back to all the triggers, to all of his humanness and all of his neuroses and remembers exactly what his patterns are and that his dad could push his button like nobody else. And I think that's such a great reminder that, no matter who you're looking at, that seems like they may have learned so much or gotten so far. We're all just human beings just continually working on this process, and it can be those going back and being triggered and having those buttons pushed that give us even more to dig into and remember about ourselves and to heal. So we're just peeling the layers of the onion.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 8:51

So she says no matter how long we or our family members have been recovering relationships with family members can be provocative. I love that she used the word provocative. That's a big word. One telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological tailspin that will last for hours or days. Sometimes it gets worse when we begin recovery because we become even more aware of our reactions to our discomfort. I think this is really important because when you're starting to wake up, when you're starting to have awareness, when you're starting to see things from a different perspective, that can even be more heightened. It's like you're seeing something for the first time and so just to give yourself space to know that the reactions and the discomfort can be really heightened in this place of seeing it and noticing it. And it's not about allowing yourself to be hard on yourself or to judge yourself. It's just to know that we can have this higher awareness of what it is that the button is that's being pushed, and she says that's uncomfortable but good. It is by beginning this process of awareness and acceptance that we change, grow and heal. I love that she says that's uncomfortable but good, because for me, every single thing that I did in my life was around trying to not be uncomfortable or have other people be uncomfortable of great release, great change, great growth, great healing to just let people be exactly where they need to be. Let yourself be exactly where you need to be, even if it hurts, even if it's hard to just be uncomfortable.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 10:48

She says the process of detaching in love from family members can take years, can take years, can take a lifetime. Detaching in love from family members can take years, can take years, can take a lifetime. Detaching in love from family members can take years. And that detachment doesn't mean that you have to physically be away from them. Sometimes, you know, we can actually spiritually bypass situations by totally cutting yourself off from people and if somebody is really really unhealthy for you, and allow ourselves to let people be exactly who they are while we are taking care of ourselves and having boundaries in relationship. But it can take a long time to slowly adjust those relationships. We can't control what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we choose to.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 11:53

And she says react. But I'm going to say respond Because reaction is almost without thought. What's happening from a witness perspective, to allow yourself to process it, move through it and then choose what your response is going to be. And it can take a long time to adjust to those patterns within our families because as you grow and change and shift, they don't necessarily respond in the same way. So they're having to slowly adjust to this quote unquote new you, this higher you, this non-reactive you, and they're going to test the waters a little bit. They're not entirely sure sometimes how to be with that. And this detaching with love sometimes means that you're totally resetting what the systems were within your family. You're healing your family by you healing you, not by you trying to heal them.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 12:57

Are you ready to step into your soul recovery? Well, I am here to support you as your spiritual coach. Visit the website to book one-on-one coaching sessions with me as we transform your life through working the nine steps of soul recovery. You can also choose to work the steps on your own through the modules at your own pace. I'm excited to also be announcing that there are retreats every year, both in Colorado and other places in the country, workshops and events, and I hope that you also will join us the first Monday of every month from 6 to 7pm Mountain Standard Time for the free Zoom support group. This is an amazing place for us to connect, learn and share our stories. And don't forget to join the private Facebook group for soul recovery inspiration connection, answering each other's questions and giving shout outs. I thank you for supporting this podcast, either by being a Patreon member, apple podcast subscriber and getting that extra episode every Friday, or by your one time donations or your small monthly donations that are found in the show notes. You are helping spread the soul recovery message and supporting this community. Visit the website recoveryoursoulnet for dates, times, everything that's happening, register for the support group and how to stay connected. Together we can do the work that will recover your soul.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 14:18

It says stop trying to make them act or treat us differently. Unhook from their system by refusing to try to change or influence them. There she uses the word system that I just used Unhook from their system. We all have beliefs, patterns and systems in which we live our lives that come from an entire lifetime of creation and when we change our system, sometimes the hardest part is not then to immediately try to adjust and change their system for them. I have this conversation with friends. I have this conversation with people that I'm coaching. I have this conversation out in the world so often around this part of us that wants to make them treat us differently. We want to make them get better, we want to make it be easier for them, we want to make it be different. And all of this work that we're doing is around stopping doing that unhooking from this system of trying to control, fix, change, manipulate, save the people, the world around us, and just come back to ourselves, this detaching with love, watching, witnessing them with compassion and grace and knowing that we have control of how we respond, how we show up, but we don't have any control over them.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 15:49

She says their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. I'm going to say that again their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. Patterns with us are their issues. And I'm going to flip that really quick and say in the same vein our patterns with others, our patterns that we have, are our responsibility. So when you realize that there's two people playing at the game always, and when one person changes how the game is played, it changes how the game is played. So when we want to try to manipulate or change their pattern to change the game. We've already given all of our control away. So to come back and say their patterns, how they respond to us, is their deal, that's their responsibility. But what we're looking at is what is my responsibility and I get to choose how I see it. I get to choose what my pattern with this person is going to be, how we react. I'm going to say again respond. How we respond or allow these patterns to influence us is our issue. We need to take the power back to us and recognize that the only thing that we have control over is how we choose to see it. She says how we take care of ourselves is our issue and I'm going to say is also our responsibility. Happiness healing awareness is an inside job. Happiness healing awareness is an inside job. We have to take responsibility for ourself and how we choose to see it, how we choose to interact, how we choose to be with ourselves, and through that then we're actually making a choice of how we respond and interact with the outside world.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 17:45

No-transcript, we can love our family but refuse their efforts to manipulate, control or produce guilt in us. Guilt is a major, major topic that I have with people. A lot People feel guilty, they have shame, they feel responsible for other people's feelings and when they choose themselves, when they choose their own healing, when they want to take care of themselves, this heavy laden guilt lays on them that they are supposed to be doing something for somebody else's expectations and we can refuse to lay into that. We can refuse to buy into their issues. She says we can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. We can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive. We can set boundaries we need and want to set with our family members without being disloyal to the family.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 18:48

Being disloyal to the family, this being authentic to yourself, being in your own integrity, having clarity with kindness and compassion. There's so much more strength that comes, when you are doing this work, from a place of connection to higher power that you realize that whatever is going on for somebody else is theirs and that when you stand in your knowing that you're coming from a kind, compassionate, aware place in everything that you say and do, that you're clean from their response. You're clean from how they see and feel it. You're only coming back to how do you see and feel it. What are you learning from this? What are your takeaways? What is the growth that you're getting from it? And I love that, this part of being disloyal to the family.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 19:41

There's so much pressure to stay with old family systems, to stay with family systems that might be generations of unhealthy behaviors and beliefs, secrets, ways that we show up in the world, or that we make sure that everybody sees us a certain way, or that we lose ourselves. To make sure that we're taking care of whatever these belief systems are, systems are, and we're breaking those patterns. We're in a new place, not only in our own lives but in the consciousness of the planet. That is about changing the dynamics on a scale that is larger than our families, that, as we stand up in compassion and integrity and stand in the light, we are actually changing the dynamics of family systems that have been unhealthy for a very long time. So you're not being disloyal, you're actually changing it for an entirely new way of being. And again, it's not about betraying anyone, it's about honoring everyone and honoring yourself first.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 20:52

So she says we can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect for ourselves when we love ourself first, when we recognize that our power lies in how we show up, how we see ourselves, that, whatever anyone else's belief is about you, whatever the words or behaviors that were said to you as a child may have come from unhealed hearts, from their own pain, from these patterns that have gone back for such a long time, and that you're choosing yourself. You're choosing compassion, you're choosing love for yourself is number one in how we actually change the world. And when we love ourselves and we come from this place of real tender, loving, kindness to ourselves, then we have so much more to give the people around us and our family. And that loving with detachment has a strength in it, because what you're saying is you're saying I love you and I see you for exactly who you are. I accept you, whether I like it or not, whether I approve of it or not. I will let you have your own experience, because I'm not gonna play into these old dysfunctional patterns anymore. I'm going to see you for the light that you are and let go of these behaviors and these roles as the way that we interact. They don't have power over me anymore.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 22:25

She has an affirmation at the end which says today help me to start practicing self-care with family members. Help me to know that I do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day or my feelings, help me to know that it's okay to have all my feelings about my family members without guilt or shame. And I just want to close that particular piece up with the part that she says it's okay for me to have all my feelings. Because this is an essential piece of what we talk about in soul recovery, which is the value of what our feelings are telling us that we've shut our feelings down for such a long time that we've used different techniques, different defense mechanisms, different ways of blocking out how we feel, because we weren't honored for how we felt, we weren't supported for how we felt, and so feelings for a lot of people are foreign.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 23:29

I know for me that I tell the story about having a mom who was this lovely, calm Buddhist and there was this gentleness in my life. But there also wasn't a lot of space for feelings that weren't flat. There wasn't a lot of space for heightened feelings. I remember the other day realizing that there wasn't a lot of like guffawing or laughing or playing around with each other. It was pretty serious, but it wasn't serious heavy mad, it just was serious, and so I've spent a lifetime learning how to even have feelings of joy, how to even have feelings of joy, even have feelings of really just living up in life in a way that is big because it just felt safest in this. Even flat, don't be too high, don't be too low, don't be too much in any which direction. Just be even, and being even is a beautiful way to be. But I also am learning how to have those feelings. So when we have our feelings about our family members, we're not judging them, we're not saying whether they were good or bad. We're actually recognizing what those feelings have to show us. They have to teach us and that is what helps remove the button. That's what we can come in and say.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 24:54

The more that I do this internal work on myself, without judging anyone, with compassion and grace and forgiveness and tolerance, and just experience what it was that I felt in each of these situations or that I continue to feel in these situations, I can see that they are giving me information. They're giving me a way to understand what the pain buttons are or what the healing modalities that I need to step into to help change those buttons from pain to strength, to awareness, to my superpower, which is my own uniqueness. We all are these unique, incredible human beings. I like to believe that we're spiritual beings having this human experience, but our humanness is so important to really step into, to really allow yourself to be in your body, to have these experiences in this moment, right here, right now, and to choose in each aspect of your life how you're going to show up, and that these family members that we have, who are our greatest teachers with these provocative situations that we can have, are really here to guide us, to understand ourselves more and to love them with more detachment that allows them to have their own experience, whatever it is, whatever it is, and let go of the belief that we personally are supposed to fix it, change it, save it, keep it from happening. We need to let them be exactly who they are so that we have more bandwidth, more ability to step into our life and be our fullest self from this place of our strength, our wholeness.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 26:47

So just reading that last little bit again today help me start practicing self care with family members. Help me to know that I do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day or my feelings. Help me to know it's okay to have all my feelings about family members without guilt or shame, and I want you to really step into this, knowing that your soul recovery journey is your most important thing that you can be doing in your life. And if you feel like you want support with this, please, please, please, be willing to go to the website, check out the different ways to work with me. You can either do one-on-one coaching through a process of working the nine steps of soul recovery together, or you can do the work the steps, on your own, on the new program that allows you to do each module in your own time and your own way, at your own pace. But this is about having support. This is about really feeling like you have everything that you need to take these teachings, to take this information and to actually move it from your head into your heart and then to have it move into your way of being so that you can have real, effective change in your life, a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life. So please, never, never, hesitate to reach out. I am here for you Until next time.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 28:18

Namaste, thank you for listening to the Recover your Soul podcast and if you loved what you heard here. Every Friday, we have a bonus episode and you can access this by becoming a subscriber through Apple podcasts for only $3.99 a month, or become a Patreon member, and on this platform, you can choose $5, $15 or $25 a month to show. What you want to support the show with On both of these subscriber platforms is an entire catalog of back episodes intended to inspire and support you on your soul recovery journey. I really want to invite everybody to attend the free once a month, every first Monday of the month support group. This is on Zoom. Everyone is welcome to attend and by giving a like or a review and sharing this with your friends and family really helps us to share the soul recovery message with even more people.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 29:15

We are on social media. We are on all the platforms. I am on TikTok. You can listen to guided meditations by Rev Rachel Harrison on Insight Timer. Thank you for supporting the show. Thank you for being part of the community. To find out more about soul recovery and everything that's being offered, visit the website wwwrecoveryoursoulnet. Together, we can do the work that will recover your soul.