From Stuck to Thriving in Marriage: Rachel and Rich's Journey of Sobriety and Spiritual Growth

What happens when a marriage feels stuck? Maintaining intimacy and connection is no small feat, especially in a long term relationship that has been through difficulty and addiction. Discover how Rev Rachel Harrison and her husband, Rich, faced a pivotal moment in their relationship that led to profound personal growth and soul recovery. Rachel recounts a heartfelt conversation that transformed their "status quo" marriage into a journey of mutual discovery and deeper connection. Rich shares his perspective on letting go of old patterns to embrace new ones, offering a beacon of hope for couples facing similar challenges.
Hear Rev Rachel's experience and choice to stay in the relationship. https://www.recoveryoursoul.net/podcast/episode/814d098c/use-soul-recovery-to-find-the-courage-to-leave-or-stay-in-your-relationship

This podcast is for educational purposes only and is not allied or representative of any organizations or religions, but is based on the opinions and experience of Rev. Rachel Harrison. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Chapters

• 0:00 Soul Recovery in Romantic Relationships
• 3:38 Navigating Relationship Communication and Growth
• 14:01 Healing Childhood Trauma for Growth
• 19:06 Embracing Growth Through Communication
• 24:16 The Spiral of Growth in Relationships
• 31:41 Building a Supportive Community for Growth

Transcript

Rev Rachel Harrison: 0:00

They say that relationships can be our greatest teachers, and I think that's true, but it is our romantic relationships that really have the most opportunity for growth, because they're where we're at every single day. If you listen to the podcast and you heard the episode a few weeks back, you'll know that Rich and I my husband we had a moment where I started to wonder if this relationship was for me. Not that anything horrendous was happening, but it just was getting flat and it didn't feel like we were both on the trajectory to move forward in our soul recovery. And although I'm here telling you all of this soul recovery information and you're listening to the process and you're interested in the tools, it is very different in your own home of how you interact with the people that you love and that you're in relationship with without fixing them. And so it's this dance of how do you show up as your higher self in your relationship and not be trying to change or fix anyone and be willing to ask for what you need. But the beauty was that we ended up having a very heartfelt and connecting conversation where I had an ask and I said I need us to have more intimacy, I need us both to be growing and I need you to do some work of your own, deciding to be able to get to a place where you're letting go of those old patterns and beliefs too. And I'm so grateful that he said yes, that he said I'm willing to do whatever it takes and this conversation with my husband and I. You'll hear two people that love each other very much and you're going to hear his perception of that event and where he's going with it. What is he doing with this ask that I have? That is around us, building and growing our relationship together. Enjoy the episode.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 1:56

Welcome to the Recover your Soul podcast a spiritual path to a happy and healthy life. My name is Reverend Rachel Harrison. I started Recover your Soul after having profound changes in my life, from my recovery of alcoholism, codependency and control addiction. I was guided to share the tools and principles of spirituality and soul recovery to help others transform their lives, as mine was transformed. For us to overcome external circumstances, we need to turn the attention to ourselves, focusing on our inner change and healing. Positive results in our lives will follow. Welcome to Recover your Soul. I'm Rev Rachel and I am back with a special guest today my husband Rich.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 2:43

Hello, I am back with a special guest today my husband, rich, hello, hello. So I wanted to bring him on the podcast because if you listened to the episode, in the last three weeks or so he and I had an awakening of awareness in our marriage that potentially meant that I might make a decision to leave. I'm grateful that I didn't and I'm grateful that he came with an open heart to be open to hearing what I had to say and curious about doing his own soul recovery journey a little bit deeper. So I wanted to bring him on to share his own perspectives around that event how he's doing on his own journey of his own life not of my wanting him to do anything, but in his own words and to really reflect on us as a couple for others to use as inspiration.

Rich: 3:37

Okay, my turn.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 3:38

That was quite the interesting long lead in, wasn't it?

Rich: 3:48

long lead in, wasn't it? That's all right, all right. Well, I would say that I got caught off guard and with a bit of surprise, when Rachel approached me, basically saying our marriage is too sleepy and tired and I'd like more connection. And uh, I was sitting in the chair that that she took me out and to the American furniture warehouse and bought me special. And I kind of looked down and I was like, well, yeah, okay.

Rich: 4:14

In your, in your recliner, you're saying I am sitting here in my recliner, um, but I could understand where Rachel was coming from pretty quickly, although at first it was like being hit with the bear mace or the stun gun, and it's difficult that way.

Rich: 4:40

Well, it was said by you that you let things stack up and we struggle to, or we could do a better job of having a schedule, of checking in together and really really communicating, and we had gotten laxed with that. I will say that the Soul Recovery Network that you have created over the past two years has been fantastic for me. I think that Rachel has caught up to a a way of sort of living and working that I've had most of my life. Not caught up but found her own, just such a deep groove that that you enjoy so much, that you're out here working just all the time, lots and lots and lots, and I think it's wonderful. But I think that also has had pulled us apart a little bit. We're just kind of tend to get in our own tracks and in our own lanes for a while and then we realize we need more connection.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 5:42

Are you ready to step into your soul recovery? Well, I am here to support you as your spiritual coach. Visit the website to book one-on-one coaching sessions with me as we transform your life through working the nine steps of soul recovery. You can also choose to work the steps on your own through the modules at your own pace.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 6:02

I'm excited to also be announcing that there are retreats every year, both in Colorado and other places in the country, workshops and events, and I hope that you also will join us the first Monday of every month from 6 to 7 pm, mountain Standard Time, for the free Zoom support group.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 6:18

This is an amazing place for us to connect, learn and share our stories. And don't forget to join the private Facebook group for soul recovery inspiration connection, answering each other's questions and giving shout outs. I thank you for supporting this podcast, either by being a Patreon member, apple podcast subscriber and getting that extra episode every Friday, or by your one time donations or your small monthly donations that are found in the show notes. You are helping spread the soul recovery message and supporting this community. Visit the website recoveryoursoulnet for dates, times, everything that's happening, register for the support group and how to stay connected. Together, we can do the work that will recover your soul. Yeah, and I think it's interesting because, if I'm really looking at myself, there's also a piece where workaholism can be a place where, if you're not feeling content, it's easy to put yourself into something else, right?

Rev Rachel Harrison: 7:15

So if you're not feeling content in what's happening in your marriage, then you find another place to find that level of contentment. And you know what's interesting? What I said in the podcast where I talked about this whole situation that happened with us is that we went on our trip to Indonesia and had such a marvelous time together and we're so connected that when we came back into life again, I think I had this hmm, it's almost like a depression or a withdrawal of how we both showed up on that trip in our fullest self, and then we kind of went back into life and I missed that part of how you were showing up for me there, and that is something that, now that I see it, I want more of that. I want more of what you brought in on that trip in terms of connection and awareness of yourself and lightheartedness. And I recognize that we both fall into our patterns workaholism or checkoutness that I'm asking us to step forward and be more awake on a regular basis and not slip so quickly and easily.

Rich: 8:31

Agreed this event that we had really brought that to light for me too, and I had lost a job. That was going to be really great to just be able to work right up to the last minute before we went to Indonesia, and so I remodeled our bathroom instead Talk about stun gun. It stunned me how many challenges I ran into because I've been at it for a long time, pretty good at what I do, especially in remodel, and our bathroom was a great challenge. But anyways, coming back from the trip which we had saved for and it was okay that we made it through the trip for me in my mind, but I was really nervous coming home to get the income and the flow of my business rolling again, and so I went straight into it and probably robotically went into it Then. The other thing I want to point out is this episode made me reflect way, way, way back through the drinking, almost to the beginning of where we really struggled to be on the same page at times and raise the kids my go-to. I'm realizing through all of this that my go-to mechanism is I can just withdraw and go build something. It's really a tool that I've developed through our relationship and it's a form of of withdrawing.

Rich: 9:58

And I was working with somebody the other day who said you know, look at it, look at it like a tennis court or a pickleball court or a ping pong table. You don't want to be in attack mode going over the net in a relationship, but you also don't want to pull back so far that you're outside the court. You get to that back line and you know, at least stay in the court, meaning don't check out so far that we're just not living our relationship together and our lives together. And there's times when you know I just when it's hard and I just need some time, I need to reset and come back but not go off the court. Set and come back, but not go off the court. And really my refuge has been being a creative person, being a craftsman, and that's always there for me to go do something creative.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 11:01

You know, and that's interesting because, on one level, our house for those of you who have come to retreats or our friends, you've seen our house, which every square inch is a creation, and it's this double-edged sword that we're always flipping the coins around about, whether we're showing up and doing something out of our healthy self or whether we're doing something out of our shadow self, and to love and accept all of it. Because, on some level, we have this incredibly creative house that you've created and, on the other level, a lot of it has been this well, I don't know what else to do here or how to feel here, so I'm just going to do this thing that I know how to do.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 11:35

Yeah, yeah, it's really true done therapy, aside from the therapy that we did together, where I just spent the whole hour complaining about you and we never had any movement. So I requested that you do work if we're going to step into this new relationship together, and you had some resistance on doing that. Can you share what that resistance was?

Rich: 12:06

I guess my first reaction was we've come all this way together. We're 32 years together, we've done so much together, we've been through so much together. How can this happen? And the quickness of it is hard. I mean, if I could feel it building up, it'd be a little different too, because a couple, two, three weeks earlier, we, we both expressed that, hey, this isn't this great life is great, but that's how life goes. It ebbs and flows, and sometimes steeply.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 12:37

You said that you didn't really want to dig in, that you said you had resistance to doing the therapy, to going back and looking at the things that I was asking you to look at and I think it's just helpful for our listeners to understand maybe their spouses where we're saying this stuff in your subconscious is is creating patterns that are not benefiting us, and the response for you was I don't really want to go back and look at it.

Rich: 13:03

Well, uh, not literally that I don't want to. I'm I. I think it's complicated. I think that I'm mostly an optimist that just wants to move forward and to go back and find my core wounds or my traumas and work with those. It sounds like a lot of work. It sounds like a lot of pain and just on the surface it's like I don't know if I wouldn't do that. However, there's a strong side of me that has, I mean, from what I've been learning just recently and from, you know already, going to two meetings with a fantastic therapist. He tells me that when we're young, we develop coping mechanisms and tools to simply make it through the world and make it make enough sense that we can survive in the world.

Rich: 14:01

And my past and I've told you this, rachel is pretty sordid. It's a pretty chaotic situation, um, my mom and dad breaking up when I'm four years old and lots and lots of yelling and chaos. But I don't remember I don't remember it literally, but I'm, I'm 99% sure that I certainly got affected and through that in a in a negative way I'm, I can imagine. And then, and then there's a period of time where my dad's not there. I don't have a standard, standard set of parents and I got super connected to my mom and mama's boy and and a lot of fear I was telling my therapist you know memories of my mom would drop me off at the church for afterschool programs and I could barely handle it. I would like sneak out of the classroom and be wandering through the halls of the church crying like, crying hard, like just freaking out because I wanted to be at home. I could tolerate school, but anything after that. I wanted to be at home with my mom, you know, and there's got to be something to that. And then my stepdad comes along. Who's wonderful.

Rich: 15:15

But by this time my dad's an alcoholic, my mother's an alcoholic, my stepdad's an alcoholic. My mom wants to overlook her alcoholism and put the spotlight on Jono, my stepdad and his alcoholism. And he buys us a big new house and in that house he gets relegated to the maid's room because they're screaming and yelling at each other all the time and I remember it being a happy again. It's like a happy, very happy part of my life. I think my mom was just a really good mom to sort of divert the attention and she just created a fabulous life for my brother and I.

Rich: 15:52

But there's all this stuff still going on and I, to this day, don't fully understand it and that's why I've begun. I took your cue and I'm like, yeah, I'll go, you know I'll go. I want to figure out what, what? This shadow past or this whatever. You know where my hole is, you know, and I'm not nearly as close to my real father. I'd like to be like a miles away from even getting even a little under the surface with him in a conversation. My mom and John are both gone at this point and all these things just add up.

Rich: 16:26

And my brother had some serious, serious up and down, crazy events and is still an alcoholic. And one thing that the therapist told me is when you're a little kid, you don't know the difference, but he re he would reach out with his hand Like he was trying to like grab smoke, and he was like you know, when you're in an alcoholic environment, it's real and there's just this tiny thing missing and you don't realize it at the time. And that's where I do want to dig in and figure this out. You know for myself. That being said, I'm going to try to dig in there. Yes, you know, we talked about the resistance. Well, I'm already over that because I'm a pretty willing guy, and especially when my wife comes to me and says I'm unhappy again and I opened the door for you and you were like, oh okay, and you're about to walk out the back door again, I was immediately willing to do whatever it took.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 17:26

I love that you are doing all those things and I love these awarenesses and thank you for sharing about your experience as a child, because I think that is very connecting for people who had alcoholic homes and divorced homes to recognize patterns and stories that feel similar to that and a willingness to really look into how those things have affected your subconscious.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 17:50

And what he says about what we develop as children in the patterns and beliefs that we create for survival Exactly what I teach in soul recovery. So I love that you're getting that and, from the perspective of sort of bouncing around in this conversation a little bit, to have the part where, as your partner, I don't always do the best job of letting you know, when the Jenga pieces are stacking, that they're stacking and the truth is I don't even know that they're stacking. Sometimes it's happening so subtly that it isn't until it's sort of a wobbling tower that I even recognize to have a voice, and you've been with me for 32 years so you know sometimes how hard it's been for me to have a voice. What is successful in that? What could have I done differently? How is it in relationship that we've had for this desire for growth? What was your interpretation of me in that moment.

Rich: 18:59

I think the best way to respond to that question is to not try to be an expert myself, but tell you how that came up. In my therapy session just two days ago I told my therapist that I've always found you to be pretty extreme in the retreat, in the retreating and the and the bottling up and building what. What I coined when we had this argument was it's like a Jenga game. Because you said it stacks up and I was like like little Jenga pieces until the tower is super tall and then wham, you know, it falls over. And I I told him that I've on the on the positive side over all of our years I've I've wanted you to come out and yell If you had to say what you needed. You know we've been through through it quite a bit and and it's hard, it's hard for you to do that.

Rich: 19:52

I was talking about how you. You would say that you don't have a voice and that I get too logical when we argue and it just kind of shuts you down. Through this conversation with him I told him I said I want her to come out. I mean, I want her to yell if she has to. The only problem is the Jenga scenario where it just it builds up for too long and then it just it goes goes from everything's okay to everything's absolutely not okay. That's the hard part. If we were more better about.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 20:23

More skilled. We're learning the skills.

Rich: 20:25

We're gaining the skills.

Rich: 20:26

The truth is we're like learning them at this point that we didn't have and you can learn a skill, but if you don't practice it, that's the thing. Right Is we get. I'll speak for myself. I'm sounding all codependent here. I am addicted to work and the survival of work and that came out of how you and I raised kids when we didn't have any money.

Rich: 20:49

But you rise to the occasion, you grow up fast and I work a lot so that I can feel a sense of security and come to this home and, by the way, reflecting back to the creative, being a craftsman and building this beautiful home, that's my reward After all these years is to want to come home and when I walk through the door I'm like happy, I look around and I'm happy. But I'm kind of addicted to to that survival instinct of of working, and so you work all day. Now I come home and I sit in my lazy boy and I get lazy. I need to practice being a really great husband to you and an excellent communicator to you from my side of the court, so I can as much as I put into my creativity of building some beautiful thing. I need to build that beautiful thing with you.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 21:47

Thank you. And you know, what I think is interesting is alcohol is the checkout. And then we cannot even notice the subtlety of sitting in the Lazy Boy and turning on the TV. That's also equally a checkout.

Rich: 22:01

That's just become what my alcoholism is. I mean, that's the bummer is. I've been reflecting. I already did reflect back on my parents and, by the way, I called my mom an alcoholic, my dad, my stepdad, my brother and me. I don't think I even said that I'm an alcoholic. Luckily I was dabbling over the past couple of years and I'm even done with that. I have no desire to even take a sip of anything and unfortunately, you know, on the plus side, I love my downtime. I think we all need to work hard and then solid rest. I love it now, but I just can't let that get get away from me and check out the same way I used to check out with a drink in my hand. I just have homemade Rachel kombucha in my hand instead.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 22:48

Yeah, I think that's really powerful to to recognize and also to recognize the value of rest you know. So, now that you've stepped into therapy which thank you, by the way, for being willing to do that what is the awarenesses that you've had in these first couple sessions? I also thank you for feeling like our conversation was a wake-up call that you were interested in stepping into. What have you learned about yourself so far?

Rich: 23:21

into what have you learned about yourself so far? I don't want to toot my horn, but I was really grateful that when you approached me and I was stunned at first, I pretty quickly just I looked at you and through the fear and the trap door, just dropping my heart to the floor, I said, if you recall, I love you and I appreciate you and I'll do whatever you ask of me. And what's interesting about that is I said that. But it still got hard and harder and we talked for what hour hour and a half, maybe even two hours? What hour hour and a half, maybe even two hours?

Rich: 23:57

And what's cool is that when I got to therapy, he was basically telling me to do just that and I was like, well, that's cool because just by chance, I sort of did the right thing and by doing the right thing you had a positive response and we were able to talk through it. On the other hand, what I'm learning about myself is what it's kind of familiar territory. It's what you've referred to a lot throughout our lives together. You know just that to just be present to, instead of being right, just look for connection. That's one thing that he told me about.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 24:39

Do you want to be right or do you want to be connected?

Rich: 24:41

Yeah.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 24:41

I love that because there's actually used to be do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? And I actually think connection is more genuine of what it is that we're looking for.

Rich: 24:51

Well, and that's what he that I'm I'm basically stealing my notes from from Wednesday. I'm basically stealing my notes from from Wednesday. At one point in the conversation I was explaining how you were raised with two parents who were super into their own lives and some of your tools that you learned were you're going to have coping skills. Coping skills, thank you, is that? You know you weren't important. You know, and, and you had to be good right, that came out. You had. You know, and and you had to be good right, that came out. You had to be good and you had to just tag along and what did you learn about you?

Rich: 25:25

so you were raised by a single mom and it was like being raised in the buddhist temple. You guys barely yelled, barely, barely ever had an argument, right, right. And then I'm raised in all this chaos, which I was young enough to be slightly shielded from. But I'm curious about the effects of that and I mentioned to my therapist that. So her bar is kind of low. I'm like, yeah, her bar is really low. And I explained to him that Alex is my brother, the second version of my brother, and Bodhi's the second version of me, and all that chaos. I was pretty used to it and you weren't, and this sort of thing. And so my experience is I'm pretty freaking mellow compared to what I experienced.

Rich: 26:13

And he goes you know what he did? He actually got for for a moment, got personal and told me about him. He's like my grandfather threw my grandmother across the room and then my dad would drink and take care of our basics. But do you think I could have a conversation with him? And I was like totally relating, because it's kind of a little bit like mine and he's like my dad was so much better than his dad that that was the new norm.

Rich: 26:42

And he told me he's like yeah, you might, you might think you're good, but you got to get good enough for Rachel. And that really hit me, hits me right now, because he's like you've made a ton of progress. There's always more progress to be made. And he took his finger and he did, like a vertical spiral, that we must continue to get better and better, just as humans, in our relationships, in our marriage. And I loved that, because then I can't just sit on my laurels and say, but I'm so much better than my dad or my brother, you know, and you're telling me, will you come a little closer and get a little better? And I'm like, willing.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 27:24

I appreciate that so much because that was my whole ask is I? I don't want you to not be you. I don't want you to to become codependent and become who you think I want you to be. I want you to be the best version of you, the most healed, awake, vibrant version of you that has healing from all these pieces of subconscious and that we all have. You know that revert back to unhealthy patterns or coping mechanisms that can be destructive. So I appreciate this awareness of the spiral of growth, which is always the moving forward and it needs to be mostly for ourselves and always in union of the people around us, recognizing that the healthier we are with ourselves, the more we benefit those in our lives.

Rich: 28:19

And another way to look at it, which he explained was the reason it was a circle, is that you know you come around, you know after a year to five years, and he said you kind of need to look at your relationship because it does become outdated.

Rich: 28:36

People change, hopefully, evolve, yeah, like you get healthier, way more aware, way more conscious and if you know, if, if I'm not keeping up, if one person's not keeping up, then it's become outdated and you revisit it and that's why he is doing the circle with his finger and but let's get more and more connected, more and more conscious as we go up, instead of just staying on a flat plane.

Rich: 29:05

So I look back on my life and I'm really, really happy with all the things I attempted and done and all the creative process involved in all of it, all the creative process involved in all of it, and I realized I had been pushing so hard like I mentioned earlier about being kind of addicted to survival through through my work, through the creative process. It got to this point where I wanted to tell myself and feel, and contentedly feel, what is enough in my, in my world and in my life, and it actually was a really, really great thing. However, it's also a plateau right. It also has this potential to say I'm good, I'm good, right here. I'm going to stop maybe paying attention to to that upward spiral.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 29:53

Yeah, that's really well said.

Rich: 29:55

It just made me emotional yeah.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 29:56

That's really well said.

Rich: 29:58

So my favorite word in all of life every time I have trouble, my brain, my logical brain, goes oh, balance, capital B. You know, life is all about balance, and maybe it is in this case, it's a balance of. I really enjoy what I have, who I am, what I have, who I am, who I'm married to big time crazy about Rachel and I want that enoughness for me to bring me joy and not be needing, needing, needing grasping, not be grasping. At the same time, I think I mentioned that what's left for me is is deeper spiritual experience, and so I need that spiral to keep going up, but I also want that to be within the sphere of what's enough for me.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 30:45

Yeah.

Rich: 30:45

That I'm content and I'm happy.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 30:47

Yeah, I love that. That's a perfect way to end. Thank you so much for being on and sharing your heart with us, and I love you so much.

Rich: 30:54

I love you too.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 30:55

Until next time, namaste. Thank you so much. I love you too. Until next time, namaste. Thank you for listening and I hope that that helps support your soul recovery process. I just wanted to give you a quick reminder that every Friday is the recover your soul bonus podcast, and this is available both to Apple podcast subscribers for $3.99 a month, or it's available for both free and paid Patreon members. So as a Patreon member, you can choose. Do you want to support the podcast with $5, $10, or $25 a month? Totally volunteer. But to let you know that if you want to listen to those bonus episodes incredible interviews, wonderful book studies you don't have to be a paid member. You can access them in the first week or two that they're available free on Patreon.

Rev Rachel Harrison: 31:41

This community is so important to me and I want you to know I treat it with love and consideration. If you want coaching, I'm here for you. You want to come to a retreat? I'm here for you. You want to come to the free Soul Recovery Support Group? The community is here for you. Watch us on Facebook, instagram, follow us on all the social media for daily inspiration. Be part of the Facebook group, and one of the most important things is that you share this podcast with people that you think that it will resonate with, that you think that they're interested. Give it five stars, give it a review. We are growing this community together because together we can do the work that will recover your soul.