Heart to Heart: Communication Tips for Couples

 Everyone tells us communication is key, but HOW we communicate actually enables that key to unlock the door to maintaining a good relationship. In this episode, our guest, Relationship Coach, Monica Humpal dives into the ways to make it happen. We’ll get invaluable advice on navigating emotions, boundaries, and the importance of approaching conversations without preconceived expectations.

Listen for tips to transform the way you communicate and resolve conflicts with your partner. In fact, many of these tips can actually apply to ANY relationship. We think it’s a game changer.  Click play if you’re in need of a communication upgrade.


RELATED:  

 Are You Fighting Fair With Your Partner (w/Relationship Coach, Rev. Monica Humpal)

The Power of Prayer in Marriage

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Imagine Yourself is hosted by Lanée Blaise and Sandy Kovach. Lanée is a TV writer and producer, motivational speaker and podcaster. Sandy is a radio personality, voiceover artist and podcaster. They come to you from the Detroit Metro area and invite guests from all over the world to help encourage you in your health, career, faith journey and more!

Transcript

Sandy Kovach  [00:00:01]:
Communication is important in pretty much every aspect of life, and it always comes with a set of challenges. None more so, it seems, than a relationship with a significant other when there is so much emotion involved and, a lot of times, so much at stake. Couple years ago, we interviewed relationship coach, Reverend Monica Humpal, and the episode was called, are you fighting fair with your partner? We're gonna feature a part of that in this episode. And although her advice was definitely more than how to argue, it was a good chunk of what she talked about because that's where a lot of us have our problems. Right? Thanks for tuning in to this episode called Heart to Heart Communication Tips for Couples on Imagine Yourself podcast. I'm Sandy. And on behalf of Lanee and I, welcome to Imagine Yourself, and we think this is gonna be a game changer for you.

Sandy Kovach  [00:00:56]:
It was for us. So let's jump right into some great advice from Monica.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:01:02]:
I believe, and I work with my clients on the these 3 important aspects of how we communicate and how we are basically, this is how we are in a relationship with the person we love. We need to first and foremost understand the process of how we engage with this other person, Whether it be communication, physical touch, whatever it is, how we're engaging with another person, here's how it starts. It starts with emotion, which drives our thoughts, which drives our actions. So you've got 3 very important aspects of how we engage another person. So we're talking about love here And a and a deep relationship with another person. This can be fantastic, but this can also you know, as we see this train of emotion to thought to action can also cause conflict. And I'll give an example. May I use one of you as an example of what I'm talking about? Is that okay? This is totally hypothetical.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:01:57]:
I promise you I did not get this specifically. But, Sandy, if I may pick on you for just a moment. 2. And I promise I did not get this story ahead of time. I'm doing a complete hypothetical marriage situation. But let's say that you have been asking your husband to clean out the garage for a month. And you walk into the garage, and yet again, it's completely cluttered. You've been waiting.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:02:21]:
It Still hasn't been done, and he's sitting inside watching a football game. Okay. So emotions will naturally stir in those situations. Perhaps frustration, Perhaps you're hurt or you feel disrespected because you asked, and he said he would do it, and he didn't do it. There's just a whole lot of stuff happening. So emotions will trigger the thoughts of, I have been asking him to do this for a month. Why has he not done this? Then the thought may go into, He never does what I ask him to do when I ask him to do it. He always progress.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:02:51]:
So so here's how this can become dangerous is when our emotions drive those thoughts into that arena. Our actions turn into a really unhealthy way of approaching our husbands. What are we gonna do? We're gonna stomp into that room, stand in front of the TV with our hands on our hips, and go, excuse me. Okay. I asked you to clean out the garage a month ago, and it's not done yet. So If we recognize how this train of events takes place, how we're feeling about a situation, our thoughts behind it, and then what happens next, We have control over the thoughts and the actions. We can't help how we feel, but we can help what we do with it. So anytime we're engaging our spouse, especially with a serious conversation, y'all, let's just say it's not the garage.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:03:40]:
It's something really serious you have to approach spouse about. You're really hurt by something deep, and you have to have that tough conversation. You want to be very aware of this so that you can control what you're able to control to have the healthiest outcome possible. How would this look in the garage scenario? Well, you would have the feeling, And then you would step back and go, okay. Let me think about the most generous explanation as to why this hasn't been done. And then you would think back. Well, you know what? Maybe he's been really busy. Maybe work has been extraordinarily stressful for him, and this is the first time He's been able to sit down, relax, and watch a football game.

Lanée Blaise [00:04:17]:
Mhmm.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:04:17]:
Maybe it has nothing to do with it. So you start thinking through the most generous explanations. Then you might take another step and say, well, how could I help get the garage straightened up? Maybe I could plan a time when both of us could come and do it together. So you would work in a more positive way so that when you do have a conversation, you're less likely to have conflict. He's less likely to get defensive. So understanding how we come to the action piece helps us pause before we have the really difficult and challenging conversation. So we end up with a healthier response.

Lanée Blaise [00:04:55]:
2. I like what you're saying because I've noticed in my relationship with my husband, and we've been married almost 23 years, I tend to Talk to him in a harsher manner than I talk to anybody else. So I'm on this podcast right now and happy and friendly. And it's not that I'm never happy or friendly with him. But my go to response in the garage situation or especially, like you said, if it was something even deeper and more hurtful is full fledged. I'm gonna show you my whole self. You get what you get. And that is not helpful.

Lanée Blaise [00:05:33]:
2. Is not gonna get to the goal that I want or preserve the marriage that I love. So why do I do that?

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:05:42]:
It's the same reason why everybody else tells us our kids are little angels. But at home, we look at them like, truly. Although we're happy that they're good for other people Yes. But at home, they're holy tears. That's because we're safe. Your husband is a safe place for you. You know that you can be you, and he will still love you tomorrow just like our children know. At home.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:06:06]:
They can be safe to be who they are, and they know we're still gonna love them tomorrow. There is a safety within that type of intimate relationship. That does not mean, however, that we need to always let that out. Now if you're having a rough day And you just need to vent, and he just happens to be the person across the table when you're venting. As long as he knows you're just venting and it's not about him, that's one thing. But snapping and things like that, those are just because we feel safe. So there's a balance there, I think, between feeling safe in a relationship to show Your frustrations and your irritations and being hyperaware that this other person is not the reason why you're frustrated, you're snappy, or whatever, and you kinda monitor that and watch the tone in your voice or you preclude anything that you say Bye. I have had a horrible day.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:06:59]:
My fuse is a bit short right now, so I promise you if I snap, it's not intentional. 2. I assure you this is not about you. If I snap at you, hold me accountable. I don't intend to until I get this managed. And I am trying to manage it right now, so please be patient with me. If you just remember my first point about don't let your emotions drive the train alone. It needs to be your thoughts and your emotions together because emotions really are the most powerful.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:07:28]:
They're way more powerful than thoughts. So your emotions have the ability to take over, and this is why people say they see red when they're angry. And that's why people Who start yelling at someone or just get really upset, they forget what they said. Because what happens in our brain, and this is actually physiological, When those emotions take over, that part of your brain is lit, and the part of your brain that has logic involved shuts down. But we can do this. It's not impossible. We can reengage that. Sometimes it means stepping away.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:08:01]:
Sometimes it means just being quiet to say, give me just 5 minutes and just sitting quietly with your tea or coffee or whatever, And then saying, okay. I was upset. I'm still upset, but I think I can talk about it now. It's balance. All of this is self awareness. All of it's about how we understand how our mind works, how our heart works, how our thought processes work, how our emotions work. The more aware we are of this, the better like you said, Lanee, it's like, you know, when you're I'm I'm making a face in the audience. Can't see.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:08:34]:
But but when when you have that angry And you're just tense. Maybe you just had a rough day or you just had to fight traffic or whatever, and you brought that home with you. It's all about being aware. Woah. My feelings right now are driving my train, and I just snapped at the kids. I just snapped at my husband. I need a 10 minute 2 or whatever. And you you just the more aware we are, the healthier our communication and conversations and relationships are gonna be.

Lanée Blaise [00:08:59]:
Think a lot of people when they hear that communication is key in a relationship, they tend to think you're only taking it from the angle that it's important to talk to one another and share your feelings and thoughts. I don't know that too many people take it on the other side where it's about how you communicate with the person with the level of respect, Not necessarily all about sharing every single thought and emotion that you're having with this person that they can know how you feel, but more about why you talk to them the way you talk to them. I've had conversations in my home too. It's like, why am I talking to you crazy? Why are you talking to me crazy? Why are we talking crazy each other? It's it's like it's simple as that because, stop talking crazy, disrespectfully to one another. Is that something that people don't often think of when they think about communication and relationships?

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:09:58]:
Totally. I think that, and they don't think about the fact that part of communication is listening.

Lanée Blaise [00:10:03]:
Oh. I

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:10:04]:
think, we like that ability Because what are we doing? We're thinking about what we're gonna say next. So we're so busy thinking about our response to what they're saying that we're not actually present in the moment and thinking and really absorbing what they're saying. You have to engage really being present kind of listening. Now this is another little tool that may help our audience a little bit because I don't think we realize this. We all have filters. I don't care who you have had any relationship with. Our experiences with other people create filters. We have them with our spouse.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:10:42]:
We have them with the really rude person who works at the grocery store. We have it with our children. For instance, I'll go back to the garage scenario. Let's say, Sandy's husband just is a huge procrastinator.

Sandy Kovach  [00:10:56]:
And This is so funny because it's absolutely the opposite.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:10:59]:
2. Okay. My husband is probably hoping. Clean.

Sandy Kovach  [00:11:02]:
He's he's way better. He's getting mad at me. Okay. Look. Can we say I didn't clean the garage?

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:11:08]:
Well, I'm actually glad to hear that because I would not want to touch on anything that's triggering here. I literally I promised everybody I made that up. I totally I just needed a

Lanée Blaise [00:11:17]:
It's just

Sandy Kovach  [00:11:18]:
funny to hear you say it. It's like, no. His garage is spick and span and not a drop of dust in it. But

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:11:25]:
So okay. Let's say in fantasy world, he's a procrastinator, and your experience with him has been that he's a huge procrastinator. So walking into the garage and seeing it undone just reinforces that filter you have with him. So even if he did clean it up The next day, let's say you fussed at him, he cleaned it up the next day, it would be really hard to give him credit for cleaning it up because, a, he didn't do it when you asked him to, b, he always see that always word? He always procrastinates. So we have these filters. We're communicating with our spouse. Our experience with them, whether it is that we don't think they ever really listen to us or They don't give us the kind of attention we want or they really don't care about our feelings. We've developed this filter between us.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:12:16]:
So it's so hard when we're sitting down trying to talk to them. Everything they're saying is coming through the filters. So we're really not listening to what they're saying. What we're hearing is what we assume to be behind their words. That is so dangerous. That leads to more arguments than I can even begin to tell you. Conflict is almost always about misunderstanding. If we really listen to what the other person is saying I mean, really listen to them.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:12:46]:
What they're saying is just information. It's benign. It's just data coming at us. But instead, we're adding all these emotional responses to their words based on what we think underlying they're trying to say through the filter. And then we get offended, and then he's over here going, I didn't say that. Well, that's what you meant. Well, that's what

Sandy Kovach  [00:13:06]:
what it sounded like. Yeah.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:13:08]:
That's what it sounded. So we're inferring all these things. Not only are we aware that emotions drive thoughts that drive actions, but we need to be super aware That we have these filters. Anytime you hear yourself with the nevers and the always, you all you always say that or you never listen, Then you take a step back and think,

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:13:28]:
think my emotions are driving the train right now because if my brain engaged, the truth is always, There's an always for you. Everybody either does something sometimes or rarely. There are very few people in the world that always a or never b. It's somewhere in the middle. We all live in the gray. We all live in the sometimes. But when we drive to the never and the always, that is a key indicator That we're listening through a filter and or our emotions are driving the train, and that's a dangerous path to drive.

Sandy Kovach  [00:14:01]:
So our emotions are kind of making a caricature of the other person, and that is gonna be hard to, like, humanize. Right? And by humanize, I don't mean that we literally hate our partner, but we certainly aren't listening to what they're saying, and we're not gonna grow from the conversation at all.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:14:21]:
Absolutely. That's a very good point because if you want a resolution at the other side of the converse, if you're trying to work through something and you wanna land in a good place, both parties have got to engage quality present listening. Like, you have to be really listening. And a good, an exercise that I have my clients try with their spouse, Well, there are 2 of them. 1 is to repeat back. Say, okay. What I hear you saying is did I hear you correctly? And I know that sounds tedious. Some people don't have the patience for that, but that's one tool that can really be effective because if the other person sits there and says, Really? That's what you heard me say? That is not what I meant.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:15:01]:
Let me see if I can rephrase this. Another thing, if you're really having to have that tough conversation. You're so afraid the other person's going to become angry. Or if the other person may get defensive, maybe that's kinda their go to if they like they're being attacked. Sometimes our tone does sound like we're attacking when we're not attacking. So a way to cure this is to sit knee to knee, Get chairs facing one another, sit knee to knee, hold hands, look each other in the eye, and set a timer for 5 minutes. And for 5 minutes, the 2 of you have an honest conversation. Keep your tone as monotone as possible.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:15:41]:
Don't let go of each other. And then you And then you keep doing it. And the reason why 5 minutes is important to start out with is because this can be very uncomfortable. Some people can't do this, And they may go, yep. I'm good. I don't need to do that ever again. And some people may go, you know what? This really helped. Let's try it again.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:16:07]:
Physical touch makes it really hard to get angry at the other person. If you notice if you've ever been in conflict with another person, husband or somebody else, And you're arguing, we physically begin stepping away from each other. You don't realize it. Next time this happens, and I hope it doesn't happen a lot, but if it does, Notice how you start getting physical distance from one another. It is our defensive net mechanisms that make us pull back. But when you're holding hands and you're knee to knee and there is no distance between you, it is almost impossible to fight. You can't argue. Well, you could, but you could do it in nice ways, but you're right here and you're eye to eye.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:16:45]:
So those are 2 things I recommend for my clients to try if they're having a really hard time having a conversation with their spouse that's this productive.

Sandy Kovach  [00:16:55]:
Wow. There's a lot there. Lanee, you look like you were very pensive, like, you wanted to say something.

Lanée Blaise [00:17:00]:
Like, I want to try this. I mean, I don't want to have an argument per se, but I do wanna try. And like you said, maybe for some people, it might be uncomfortable. But for me, I feel like it might even accidentally cause more love to flow through those hands and knees. And you do realize you're staring at this person that you do really care about and you do love, and it might just shift things because the other thing I was thinking about too is you mentioned when someone's repeating back what you've said, This made me start to think that perhaps I need to shorten the things that I want to put out there to my husband. My husband has a somewhat short attention span. He does not want a manifesto from me. He will ruin too.

Lanée Blaise [00:17:49]:
If I can keep it short and simple, then he can concentrate on it. It's more likely that he'll get it right And more likely that he will consider doing the thing that I'm asking him to do. So almost less words. As much as communication is awesome For me and him, maybe the less words, the better. I just thought about that. That was my pencil right there.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:18:13]:
No. That's extremely wise. And I'll say that that knee to knee, hand to hand, eye to eye exercise can be very helpful if you're looking for deeper emotional intimacy with your spouse. For some couples, you could try. There are 2 different ways you can do this. You can, use that 5 minutes To share 1 enjoyable moment of your day and one moment that was challenging, or 2. You can do a 5 minute affirmation. What I really I really appreciated that you did this today.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:18:41]:
That was very wonderful. I appreciated that you made coffee Because I was on a short leash this morning, or it could be very small things, but make it almost like an opportunity for gratitude for one another. 2. It can go a 100 ways, but you're right. It's it'd be very easy. I don't know if it's even an accident for more love to flow through, but it it will make it very easy for love to flow through. And I love what you said about our words. Women typically have a giant emotional vocabulary.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:19:10]:
Yes. Right? Men have a smaller emotional tabular you know? And I really hate putting men and women in boxes, so I'm generalizing this, but just understand that this is not always a 100% the case. But men Typically, when we come to them, their go to is wanting to fix it. Like, how can I step in and help her? I need to fix the problem. Sometimes we don't need a fix. We just need you to feel it. So what I do with my husband is I say, when I come to him, I tell him whether I need him to feel it or fix it. And if I need him to feel it, I'm specific.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:19:47]:
Like, if I just need you to listen and then I need a really big hug because 2. I I've had a really horrible day. Or if I feel if I need him to feel it and I need him to go a step Further and give me an affirmation. Like, assure me that our relationship is okay or assure me that he is confident that I've got this or something that I'm basically, Lynette, what we're looking for when we come to them with our little conversations or, like you said, like, this long drawn out thing Is we need something from them. We either need them to feel what we're feeling, affirm what we're feeling, Or we actually do need them to fix it somehow. Maybe they did hurt our feelings and we're seeking an apology, and we need them to help us figure out a tough situation, but we can do it with less words. We probably need to be clear. What are what do we need from them before we step into that arena and then express it.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:20:44]:
Our husbands are not stupid. They're very intelligent. They get life. They get things, But they often don't know how to respond to us because if we go for 30 minutes just talking about how upset we are about something, they're still waiting for us to say, and I need you to, you know, go hang in. Right? So if we can figure that out ahead of time, I'm a verbal processor. I don't know if you are. May you sound like you are, Lanee. So I'm a verbal processor.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:21:14]:
And when something's going on in my life, I like to talk it through, and sometimes I just need somebody just to be sitting across from me while I just talk it. And I'll come up with my own solution. Just give me about a half hour. Let me just talk it through, and I'll land. I will land somewhere. I just need you to be present. So express what it is you need, And then be clear with him about that, and your conversation will end up in a good place.

Sandy Kovach  [00:21:38]:
So one of the things and while we're getting into the differences with men and women. It sounds like Lanee and and I have our husbands have similar styles. And I have to think that guys are generally less emotional and generally more matter of fact. And I think women can generally and, again, I hate stereotypes, but We can assume that they know things that they don't know and even get mad if they well, you should've known that. You should've known that was important to me. Or It seems like that's another thing that kinda comes up around and around again that can cause misunderstanding.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:22:13]:
Absolutely. I wish I could erase the word should From all of our vocabularies, if when we should all over somebody, that's basically telling them they can't win. It's a shaming mechanism that we don't realize we do a lot, but we do because we all want something from our husband. We want a lot of things. And we walk into marriage with dreams and hopes and desires. I've learned this from a Andy Stanley study that was amazing. But then we once we get married, they somehow turn into expectations. And we need to find a balance between Our hopes, dreams, and desires, and our expectations.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:22:52]:
What goes in the middle, Andy says, and I love this. I'm giving him full credit. This was great. What goes in the middle is how we approach the situation where an expectation is unmet. And I talked about this a little before with the garage. We'll take the garage as the example. The expectation was he would clean that garage, and he should have known that this was important. You wouldn't have asked him if it wasn't important.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:23:16]:
He should have known you meant clean it now, and it's a month later. So there's a lot of shoulds that are placed and that feeds into our frustration and our anger. We make a lot of assumptions. He could have done it when he was over here doing this, or He should have blocked off this time on Saturday afternoon to do it. Whatever it is that we're throwing on him It's all coming from a place of expectation. Entering into relationship with hopes, dreams, and desires is expected. The expectations that flow out of that come from unrealistic assumptions. So that goes back to what you just said, Sandy.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:23:57]:
We assume things. We expect things. And when those aren't met, where are we living? We're living in disappointment. So when we're disappointed, Then it becomes you shoulda, and then we shame. So there goes the emotions that drive those negative thoughts, that drive the words that come out of our mouth, which sometimes can cause more problems. What I always share with my clients is to go into every conversation with no expectation. You go into the conversation with clear if you have a need, like, if you need them to affirm you, be clear. If you need them to just listen, be clear.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:24:36]:
If you need a hug, be clear. But remember our boundaries. What lives in our boundaries are our emotions, our thoughts, and our physical self. What lives in their boundary is their emotions, their thoughts, their physical selves. We can't control them. So what they choose to give us in the midst of a conversation is up to them. So if we expect something and they choose to give us something different, we're disappointed. So going into the conversation without the expectation and just walking into it saying, I need to convey My feelings and my thoughts because my feelings are hurt, and he needs to know because I really need him to Understand that what he said was hurtful so that he doesn't do it again.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:25:20]:
I mean, we have a purpose for having this conversation, but the purpose is not with an expectation that he will say this and he will do this afterwards. I need to leave the door open for how he chooses to respond to me, And then he chooses to respond. Now is that always what he want or expect? No. But it gives him the ability to respond in a way that he feels appropriate, And it gives us a chance to do what we set out with look. We didn't go into the conversation to expect a, b, c, or d. We went in to our own feelings because that's what we have control of. That lives here in our boundary. We have to learn as married couples that we are 2 separate human beings, and we have our own boundaries.

Rev. Monica Humpal [00:26:03]:
We are not this all intertwined that y'all can't see me, but my hands 2. Intertwined together. We are 2 separate people, and we need to learn to live like that so that we can respect the boundaries of our spouse And they can respect ours. And that way, when we do talk, it's coming from a place of not manipulating them. We're not trying to guilt trip them. We're not doing any of that stuff.

Sandy Kovach  [00:26:27]:
There's much more from reverend Monica Humble in the podcast, are are you fighting fair with your partner? Which we will link up to in the show notes and on our website. And, also, we'll include a link to another episode we did with our bonus episode called the power of prayer in marriage. Thanks for listening. We'd love to hear how the tips work for you or just what you thought of the episode. Be sure to leave us a review and a rating. If you want to reach out in a more personal way, you can do through social media. You can also do it on our website at imagineyourselfpodcast.com where we'll also link up to information on how you can reach out to 2 reverend Monica Humpal, if you'd like to do that. Until next time when we have something new to imagine, take care, and here's to great communication.