Unsubscribing From the Expectations of a (Future) Mom with Heather Chauvin

Dive into the raw realities of motherhood and career balancing.  We tackle the fears and uncertainties while working to, unsubscribe from the expectations of being a mom or future mom. From the pressures of societal expectations to the personal journey of uncovering your fulfillment, let's dive in together. Join us as we peel back the layers of our deepest desires, finding the courage to honor our true feelings while pursuing our professional passions. Let's get ready to be "Emotionally Uncomfortable" as we redefine parenting and fulfillment.


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@heatherchauvin

Emotionally Uncomfortable's IG:
 @eu_podcasts

www.heatherchauvin.com
Listen to Emotionally Uncomfortable Podcast

Heather Chauvin is a Leadership Coach who helps ‘successful’ women courageously and authentically live, work, and parent on their own terms.

After stage 4 cancer in 2013, she had to figure out how to feel alive while building a business and raising 3 boys. That's  when Energetic Time Management was born.

Her background in child development and Social Work has helped her deeply understand human behavior which has translated into helping women be seen, heard and understood at home and at work.

Heather is a TEDx Speaker, Author of Dying To Be A Good Mother, and host of a highly loved Podcast “Emotionally Uncomfortable” with almost 9 million downloads.

You can watch the full episodes on our Youtube
Youtube - Confessionsofawannabeitgirl

Confessions of A Wannabe It Girl’s TikTok:
@wannabeitgirlpodcast

Confessions of A Wannabe It Girl’s IG:
@confessionsofawannabeitgirl

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hi guys and welcome back to the show. We are here to help you filter out the BS and become your own Ickrel. In this episode, we are diving into potentially, the scary world of becoming a parent. Maybe it's not so scary for you, but I think that, as women, often it has felt like you might have to choose between having a career or becoming a parent, and I got a lot of questions about what it's like to be a parent, how to manage it all, how to have this entrepreneurial dream career while also still showing up as a good mom. There's a lot of expectations around becoming a mother and I think that this episode is really going to ease your mind about how to unsubscribe from those expectations that are set on us. We are joined by Heather. Heather is a mom of three, a stage four cancer survivor and the author of Dying to Be a Good Mother and host of the podcast Emotionally Uncomfortable, focusing on parenting as well as attracting profits and growing as a leader, she proudly works to help women feel successful at home and in their work. Guys, I had a lot of quarters all going into this episode and Heather really helped to ease my mind about what it means to be a parent and how to handle it, and I really hope this episode can help you do the same.

Speaker 1: 1:22

Welcome to Confessions of a Want to Be it Girl. I'm your host, marley Fraging, and I'm here to help you filter out all the bullshit and become the next it Girl. This podcast explores the reality of what it really takes to make it out there. As it turns out, it is way less Instagramable than I thought it was going to be. I'm still very much a work in progress, but there's simply nothing else I'd rather be doing than chasing my dreams. So let's learn from my mistakes and work together to achieve our dreams with more confidence, clarity and direction. Let's get after it.

Speaker 1: 1:55

Hi Heather, thank you so much for joining us here today. I'm excited. I'm also very excited. I'm so excited to talk to you because we are talking to an audience of women who might not yet be moms, yet might be a little nervous to become parents. We're talking about career focus, still want to have a career, don't know how to handle the ideas, what to prepare for becoming a parent, and you are somebody who is so about that it's not just about the parent and it's not just about the kid while being someone who is like I want women to be successful at home and in their work, so I just think you are the perfect person to talk to about this. So I want to dive into the fear itself of becoming a parent. There's a lot of fear there, so can we really have it all? Can we have that? It grill, instagram, mom life and have a career and all of those things?

Speaker 2: 2:57

Well, I think we see the life that we think we want, and I've had the privilege of seeing behind the scenes of a lot of those Instagram lives and realize that there's a facade, there's a mask of the picture of what they think they want, and one of the kind of sayings or quotes that have really transformed my own life and my journey and I can get a little more into that is.

Speaker 2: 3:25

It was from Danielle LaPorte and her book came out like over a decade ago, one of her books, which was called the Desire Map, and my biggest takeaway from that book was it's not the thing you want, it's the feeling. And so we see these Instagram lives or whatever, when people are saying I want to have it all and I'm like but what does that represent for you? And it's always the feeling like, always is the goal. You achieve the goal and then you're like oh, that's not what I thought it would be, because we are always after a feeling and I'm the type of person where it's like have the desire, have the goal, but don't lose sight of how you want to feel at the end result. And then learn how to consciously create that every single day, in the moment. And I can get more into that, but that's really what we're after. We're all about feelings, not things.

Speaker 1: 4:18

We're all about the feelings, not things. It's a good way to put it. And because we put so much societal pressure on having a career, giving a self worth, I think a lot of people women mainly, but won't exclude anyone by saying that having career or being career focused, we can be scared to be written off just because you're so career focused and then you find out you are pregnant or you're expecting or you want to have kids. How would you not have people write you off in the workplace just because you want to be a parent?

Speaker 2: 4:54

Yeah. So I'm going to tell a personal story. So one I became a mom really young and so I didn't have the privilege or the opportunity to like grow a career and then add on parenting. So there's a blessing and a curse there, right, and so the blessing of that was I didn't have that fear. But there's other aspects of my life where I could like see it coming and I'm like, oh my gosh, that's going to be so scary. And then you take the leap and you get on the other side and it's incredibly different. So my approach is I? Actually there's two things here. One is we have to be incredibly mindful to not self-abandon.

Speaker 2: 5:35

My book Dying to Be a Good Mother is on the premise like regardless if you are a mother or not, is the premise that as women, we are taught that we need to be good for other people and we need to essentially self-abandon parts of ourselves to be good in that role. And I remember when I was I was a young parent, but like I have three boys they're actually 19, they keep changing their ages 19, 14 and 11, and I was 18 when I had my oldest child and I think it was about my middle son when I was kind of like battling with that of I wanna be with my children, but I also wanna like go after my goals, like I wanna make an impact in the world, I wanna start a business, I want to do the thing, and I could feel myself wrestling with that. And it wasn't about having it all. It was about creating my way in that season of my life in an incredibly sustainable way. Cause I think the one thing people wildly underestimate is how stepping into that nurture role, that mothering role, actually changes your identity, and that's something you cannot prepare for. Like you become a different person and your instincts kick in, like I've heard this from so many people. They're like I was doing all the things, I was going after it and then all of a sudden I was like I don't want that anymore, and so there's different kind of different things you desire in different seasons, but I think we need to look on desire and not external goals.

Speaker 2: 7:10

I also have a lot of friends who do not have children and have no desire to have children, and then some that don't have children and have a desire to have children but don't have them yet, and I'm like you need to pay attention to desire. So what is the desire? And when we lean into desire instead of goals and what we think society tells us we need to be, we can live for the moment every single day and go. What does this look like for me, instead of trying to seek that externally?

Speaker 2: 7:43

It's a very different way to think about how we should show up in the world, because I don't wanna neglect parts of myself, but there are definite moments where you need to not necessarily sacrifice yourself or abandon yourself, but honor, like I wanna give back, like one of going back to that moment when I was like wrestling with both. I remember feeling like, okay, I need to have childcare to so I can feed this part of myself, because I could see that if I didn't feed that part of myself, I was yelling and I was angry and I was resentful and I'm like my children don't deserve that type of mother. And then I would have people say you shouldn't be doing this. But internally I knew that that what was best for me and my children, and so I don't think it's a this or that. I think it's coming back to like what do I need to feel fulfilled? And that's where people kind of find that alignment, I call it. I don't believe in balance.

Speaker 1: 8:48

I love that you're pointing out that if you didn't do this thing it could really start to affect how you were already showing up as a mom.

Speaker 1: 8:57

By not going after what you needed to do, kind of like putting I always talk about putting your oxygen mask on first Like if you aren't showing up like how you wanna be, how on earth can you take care of like a little thing that is in your life and you love and care? But I always think it's worse to ignore that part of yourself and then be like well, society thinks if I go after ambitious career goals and I'm not watching my kids, that's gonna do more damage. And really by you not going after your career goals are you doing more damage to yourself and your mothering experience and all the things. So I wanna talk a little bit about this desire you're talking about. Say you do desire to be a parent and you're in this career. How do you start to look at your life, about how to prepare for it? Like what are the things you need to change? Or what are those conversations you have with your partner or your work?

Speaker 2: 10:00

environment. How does that look? I think sometimes we wanna I think we live in a culture right now that wants to prepare and be like over prepared, which comes from like a perfectionist energy, and then life is gonna show you exactly what you need to focus on and I think relationships are the biggest judge, like the biggest, like mirror right, like there is no perfection in relationships and it could be like a parent, child, you partner, you, someone else, and so I am all about reverse engineering how you wanna feel, like if you can't, if you're not looking at the visual of this podcast, I have a hat on and it says how do you want to feel? And part of that is like that is my North Star and that goes back to huge part of my journey. But 10 years ago I was diagnosed with a stage four cancer. It's a huge part of my message, which is how did I get to that point? It wasn't just like one day I woke up and I was like, oh my gosh, I have cancer. Like that's how society treats it as like where did this disease come from? And it's like no, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's so many things that we're doing that is like neglect and barely scraping by on a physical level is the expectation Like if you actually do put your oxygen mask on, you're being selfish, and I have unsubscribed from that a long time ago, and so when I kind of had my health crisis, I got to a point where I was reading all the books and doing all the things and, like I said, you know, the whole Dingyellaport Desire Map was it's not the thing you're after, it's the feeling. And so I started living my life very differently. Something I developed called energetic time management, which is essentially putting yourself on the calendar first, but it's through desire, and so I'll give everyone like my exercise right now, because it's very practical and tangible.

Speaker 2: 12:02

I took a journal prompt. Wouldn't it be nice if and I'm not asking you what do you want that can feel very like you know confronting to people it was what do you dislike? Wouldn't it be nice if, like magic wand, and we know what we don't want, like we know what we want to stop in our lives? So if you're like I don't know, it could be negative. Wouldn't it be nice if I wasn't angry all the time? Wouldn't it be nice if I, whatever you just dump it out and it can either be like, in the positive or the negative, what you want or what you don't want, but you're literally writing out your desires and if you look at the person next to you, their list is gonna look very different, very, very different. But everything that you want is a feeling. So wouldn't it be nice if I didn't have to work anymore? Wouldn't it be nice if I could have a month off? Wouldn't it be nice if I was doing work that I love? Wouldn't it be nice if, whatever it is, ask yourself what is the feeling that I'm after and then put the feeling words next to those desires and you're gonna see something called core desired feelings. That's what Daniel LaPorte calls it, but it's like the common denominator. No one ever says, oh, I wanna chronically feel like shit, I wanna be overwhelmed, depleted, angry, frustrated, burnt out. Nobody, nobody is ever going to say that, and your word might change, but I want you to see kind of like the data points of what you actually want and desire.

Speaker 2: 13:26

So back in the day when I was diagnosed, I literally felt like death inside, like I had nothing left in me. And, yes, I was reading all the personal development books. I was in startup in my business, my children were young. But here I am feeling like death and I'm like I don't wanna feel this way. How do I want to feel? I'm like I wanna feel alive. And then, marley, I remember having the moment where I was like, okay, I wanna feel alive, like what would a live person do? How would they show up, how would they lead their life? And then I got scared again because I'm like I have no evidence of an alive version of myself. So my wouldn't it be nice list was like wouldn't it be nice if we could travel the world? Wouldn't it be nice if I could run a marathon? Wouldn't it be nice if I had all the energy in the world? Wouldn't it be nice if we were financially free? And I had no idea how to make any of those things happen. And there I am like, with no energy, going through treatment and I had nothing left. And I'm like, okay, day one, what would an alive person do today? And I'm like she would get out of bed and take a shower and if that's all she has the energy for, that is closer in alignment with an alive person. And so fast forward. It's those tiny, tiny bites, but like that's the North Star.

Speaker 2: 14:51

I'm always like how do I wanna feel? And so when I'm having conversations with people, how do I wanna feel? I wanna feel connected to this person. Okay, cool, my child is having a tantrum. How do I want to feel? I want my child to feel safe. So I'm probably, if I'm gonna have a little tantrum myself and angry and frustrated, I'm gonna learn how to manage my emotions so that my child can feel safe in my presence. And it goes the same with like my husband, or when I'm like, oh my gosh, I wanna do this big thing in my career. What is the feeling that I'm after? Okay, I wanna feel purposeful. I wanna feel accomplished. Some of those feelings, too, are those coming from ego or are they coming from like a deep, deep desire? And so as you start taking the action, you really see like I never identified as a driven, ambitious person never.

Speaker 2: 15:51

If you would have like that version of me if you saw me I know you're like head tilt if you would have saw me in high school. So I got pregnant a few months before I was done high school, actually a few weeks. Nobody knew I was hiding it, but in high school I was probably the most likely to like not succeed. Like I was not the type A, a plus student. I was the critical thinker and the problem solver and I would like.

Speaker 2: 16:23

The system did not work for me. I was like why do I have to do that? It's such a waste of time. Well, of course, look at me, I'm an entrepreneur now, right. So I was a rebel. I was like don't tell me to do that, don't control me. Back then nobody ever said you have entrepreneurial like skills, like you're a leader. I can see that in you. So my coping strategy was to sleep and shut down.

Speaker 2: 16:45

And so I was an under performer. I was not an over performer, and it wasn't until I became a mother that I was like oh my gosh, I got a, I'm gonna fail. And so then I started overperforming and then I hit burnout and now I'm like now I got alignment which is, oh, I enjoy the game I enjoy. If I don't feed this part of myself that actually feels like death. So I'm gonna keep pursuing the things I wanna pursue while taking care of myself, little tiny bites at a time, and that's going to positively influence my parenting. And I'm gonna be wicked focused with the two hours a day or three hours a day that I have, and get more done and hire a kick ass team and lead people and blah, blah blah.

Speaker 2: 17:34

But we can do those things. No, we can't do it all. We can't do it all at once. You just have to think completely different. But really, if you understand how to lead yourself from like a higher energy and expectation, you can get a lot more done. And yeah, but we cannot abandon those parts of ourselves that you want to be ambitious or you wanna go after certain things. You have to start asking yourself how can I do that and do this? And then you have to get creative in how you do both.

Speaker 1: 18:10

I love so much of what you're saying because I think we do not think enough about the true desire of what we wanna be doing with our lives.

Speaker 1: 18:18

It is so much about kind of like this checklist, like oh, we live our lives and then you get a career, and then you could get married or you can be in a serious relationship, and then you have kids and we don't take enough time to even home back to that true desire of why we want these things, which I think then we can end up in these position, feeling really lost because we don't know why we got here. And it's like if you start anything or just transition, going through transition phase with doing that exercise, like oh, I wanna be doing this, I want the feeling of I think it allows you to be creative, to find that space, make it happen, make it work because you're inspired to do it. If you're not, you're kind of just like well, I'm stuck here and now I gotta figure it out. I've heard you talk about you have like an identity before you're a parent and then you have an identity when you have one. Do you not like first identity? Like go away? How do you talk to that older?

Speaker 2: 19:21

identity. Yeah and I think I'm smiling because I actually just said this the other day I'm like I'm reinventing myself probably every six months, like if you are the type of person that is taking action to better yourself, you are releasing your old self incredibly quickly. So if you say to yourself I am the type of person that doesn't like to work out, I don't like marketing, I don't like sales, well, guess what? If you want to be successful in any area of your life, you have to learn the skill of sales. It doesn't matter if you are in a sales position or not. You have to learn to sell ideas to people Like I have to sell my children on getting out the door on time. I have to sell my husband on the crazy adventures. I want to go on Like there's these skills that we say or I'm not an organized person, or I'm not a morning person, or I'm not. This it doesn't mean that I have to become a morning person. But if you're constantly pushing your edges of personal development and wanting to grow as a person, you will let go and grieve the loss of your old self. So let me give you a specific example Not even like my old identity, because I think parenting saved my life and that's a whole other conversation. But I remember specifically where I was overperforming in my parenting role because and I'm getting pats on the back culturally like, look at you, you're super mom, blah, blah, blah. And inside I'm like not this, not this, I'm going to burn out. This is scary, I'm not happy, I'm not fulfilled, and everyone's like this is adulthood, suck it up, buttercup. And I'm like no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And then eventually life was showing me things that was like oh yeah, you're right, heather, this is not sustainable. But I remember and this is probably when Instagram was getting more popular and this is like the Instagram lifestyle when I would see women giving off this identity of this maternal exhaustion and the mother load, of the invisible mother load or the woman load or whatever it is, and I was like I don't subscribe to that, that is not how I see myself. And so I had to specifically unsubscribe to that identity and I felt guilty because I didn't want to over identify as just mother. Like needing to fuel myself with cups of coffee to get energy was not aligned, because I was like that's not going to work Right. I wanted to feel alive and aligned. It was not aligned for me.

Speaker 2: 22:07

Blaming and shaming our partners because they didn't operate the way we did, blaming our children for why we couldn't go after what we wanted to do, I was like I would never want my child to feel like a burden and be like you're the reason why I sacrificed everything for you. I think a lot of us, especially women, have grown up with parenting figures like that and we're like you could have went after and did whatever you wanted. Stop blaming me. That's a big burden for a child to carry. So I remember unsubscribing from that and there's a moment in time where you have to physically grieve that person.

Speaker 2: 22:49

That part of yourself, and a huge part of my story, is depression. I mean I don't publicly be like I was depressed, but I could barely get out of bed. Pre-motherhood, as a teenager, didn't understand what was happening inside of me. I was this overly sensitive, empathetic human in this world, not understanding how to manage all this energy, not shown what a healthy woman looks like, like someone who takes care of themselves. I didn't have those role models. And then here I am in motherhood being like I don't want to get out of bed but I have to, and so kind of like fighting to feel alive again in so many aspects of my life.

Speaker 2: 23:36

I remember specifically one moment I don't know if I was in like doing hypnosis or breathwork, or like all the journaling and everything that I've invested in and I was like she got me here, like that version of me got me here, but she's not going to get me to the next version of myself and I have to let her go.

Speaker 2: 23:56

And I see this so often in my clients, whether it's in the parenting relationship or their business, their work relationship. I'm like you have to give up the people pleaser. They're like but people aren't going to like me and I'm like it's so protective. Or you have to like loosen your control on perfectionism, because if you don't, and why are you holding on so tightly? And it's like I don't have a version of myself without this. Like this little people pleaser perfectionist has been with me for so long and I'm like well, she's, she is not going to get you to the next level. So you either have to like consciously let her go or your life is going to blow up and you are going to be forced to let her go. I bring the deep conversation.

Speaker 1: 24:47

You know, I don't think anybody has ever said to me that we have to let her old identities go, and I haven't hit me so hard in one second, thinking like, yeah, you're probably right, we should let that go, because I feel as though maybe I in the past have held on to those so tightly, thinking that that's going to help me get to where I'm going to be. Yet I'm realizing in this moment, lifetime that that's probably what could be holding you back from doing that exact thing. And you know, I want to bring up this other Instagram idea that I've seen around and I want to get your feelings on it, and it's the quote of I don't want to be a mom, I want to be a dad mentality.

Speaker 2: 25:33

Well, I think it's a story or an illusion of what dad is, and I will tell you I probably would have agreed with that at some point. But now I'm raising three boys and, as they become older, and I've been married for oh geez, 18 years, ish, 17, 18 years and I've had many intimate conversations with my husband and I'm always like women, women, women and he goes men too, men too, and the more conversations I'm having with men and they're kind of pulling back the curtains, they're like we struggle too and, although it might not be in mom mode and nurturer mode, but they carry a burden that supports our role. There was actually a Instagram, like a reel, that I saw recently and it was Mel Robbins. Do you know Mel Robbins? Yeah, mel Robbins, you can listen to her podcast. She was interviewing her husband and she was talking to him about how, six years ago, he started these like men's retreats and he was like, yeah, I give him a piece of paper and I'm like write down what you want. And you would think they're like I want this, this, this, this, and he's like we get blank pages. One, because men are not allowed to talk about their feelings. Two, when they go to that. They're like I don't know, I just I'm here to provide and to serve.

Speaker 2: 27:02

And so when we take a step back, we think the emotional, invisible load of women is like, yes, our brains work differently, but the male brain and dad or whoever they carry a different burden and they just don't talk about it as much they're one.

Speaker 2: 27:20

It's not culturally acceptable to put something like that on. Imagine a dad was like I want to be a mom, right, like could you imagine the backlash that would occur if something was posted like that on Instagram? So they carry two different burdens. And I think when I have that perspective, I can go. Huh, I'm wondering, the invisible load that you carry it's not going to look the same as mine. And how can we come together and kind of support each other with this invisible load that we're carrying? Because we, as women, we want men to do our work, and then vice versa, and it's like how about we just do our own work and we actually lessen our own invisible load and we help others do the exact same thing? Because ultimately, we are 100% in control of how we want to feel, but we're not taught this culturally.

Speaker 1: 28:21

And that is so true. I never thought about how somebody was supposed on Instagram saying I want to be a mom. The reaction would come back and it would be so heavy. And yet we have so much I feel like more on the conversation about women and becoming a mom. But like I've seen a lot of that in the dance space on social media, where is that person? It does not exist. It's a big, big hole there that I don't think we acknowledge enough.

Speaker 2: 28:53

I'll see a lot from dads or men. They're like I will never say no to my kids, like every time they want to play with me, I will be there. Well, think about why that is even a thing. It's like maybe because they're like my dad was never around and he worked so much Right, so he's like I'm going to be there, I'm going to be all in.

Speaker 2: 29:16

I don't see women saying that For me, it's a different relationship. Our relationships with our children are very different and I think women cannot. We're looking for equality and all of that, but we're compliment men and we are not here to do men's work and vice versa. We have to realize we're yin and yang and they talk about the masculine and the feminine. So it's finding that within yourself.

Speaker 2: 29:46

It doesn't mean you can never provide or make money. You can do that, you can go after that, but you really, really, really need to honor your desires and not just suck it up and push it down, because when you start to learn how to feel, yeah, you're going to feel your fear, you're going to feel the guilt and the overwhelm, but when you can learn to manage that energy, you become a powerhouse and your energy source just keeps getting fueled Like I could put out a lot, but when I'm fueling myself, I'm not neglecting or abandoning myself in the name of I am bad if I do that for others. I now know that feeding myself, my mind, my body, my soul, even if it's 10 minutes at a time, gives so much more to every single human I come into contact with.

Speaker 1: 30:38

And also your partner as well, because in some situations, raising a family takes two. And I want to talk about a little bit about this post I saw a very big influencer post about and she posted on her Instagram and she said I am so tired of getting DMs asking if I have a nanny and how I do it all. And she's like my husband never gets asked these things how I have a nanny and how I do it all and I actually responded back to her and I was like I want to bring this to a different perspective about how I want to see it. I am asking you this because I want to be able to do the same things and I want to know what's going on that I don't see. So if I was in a similar position, what do I do? So I'm going to turn it over to you. What could I do?

Speaker 2: 31:30

Like you said, the reason why you're asking that question is because you're like hey, please let me know, because I want to know behind the scenes of, like, how to prepare or what to do. And I think, yes, our reaction can be defensive of like, why are we still asking women this Right? And it's like it is what it is. But I also think if people say out loud the support that they are getting or what they are actually doing, it gives other people permission. And when you put yourself out there, you are always going to have people who do not appreciate the response that you're getting back. And this makes me think of one woman that's in my group and we were talking about I did this little exercise and it was called a give and an ask and we were talking about capacity and everyone was giving like a resource or something that has helped them give more capacity in their lives time, energy, all the things. And then they asked a question about capacity and a lot of the gives people were like wow, that's so permission seeking. I've been wanting to do that, but I just couldn't do that. And one of them was I have a house manager, and so she says she had a house manager and then she had someone come in and clean and so people were asking, like what does your house manager do? And like how do you organize that? And you could see her shrinking. You could see her physically like, and I was like please don't shrink. I'm like, I'm dead serious, like I want to know how you manage that. What do they do for you so that you set the standard of what when I go out and seek that, how you organize that. And yeah, if I could go back in time, like when I started my business I didn't have a lot of financial resources, but I do remember hiring somebody to come into the house for a few hours, like while I was still breastfeeding and watch my son whichever one it was that was little at the time and they would be in the other room and I could hear the baby screaming or crying and like my boobs are just getting so big and I'm trying to work and I'm putting noise canceling headphones on, and the amount of guilt that I felt and I just had to keep persevering. And if I could go back in time and talk to that version of myself, I would have hired support quicker and I would have let go of the materialistic things that I think I needed to purchase or have in my life that made me good. And now where I'm at, my brain thinks how can I buy back my time and energy? How much more time can I buy back? How much more energy can I have? And a lot of that buyback of my time is hiring support.

Speaker 2: 34:24

And I will tell you, one of the things that I started doing was okay, nutrition it's not consistent. I got to get on this, but nutrition was a huge part of my energy fuel and so I was counting macros and I would have somebody make my meals and bring them into the house. No big deal, okay. Then I'm like if something's off here, it's not the lining. Then I started paying my 14 year old to do that. No reversal. Hey, can you make me my meals and I will pay you, like you're learning how to kind of be an entrepreneur and you're helping me out. It's a different way to get an allowance, but you have to think outside of the box. Now I have my child serving me instead of me serving my child all the time. I'm teaching this child how to be of service to other people and not just me, like you know, going out, out, out, I'm learning how to receive as well.

Speaker 2: 35:18

So, honestly, the way that I think now is like how can I, instead of being the doer of everything, how can I be like the manager or the supervisor? And my focus is how can we do less, better? And with a whole female team, I have noticed we overcomplicate things, and I do think it because our is so diverse. And I'm like how can you make that simpler? How can you make that simpler? How can you make?

Speaker 2: 35:46

Yeah, so it's, it's funny how we waste so much time and energy over complicating things because we're we feel like we're not enough. And I will say to myself if I deeply trusted myself and I felt competent and enough, how would I show up? What would I do differently? And I'm also this might be a little faux pas, probably the season I'm in I look to men for inspiration as how they scale their time and energy. I don't want to live exactly like them, because there's certain aspects of my life I do not want to outsource, but I'm like okay, if they can do that, what is my version of that as well? And it's. It's just fascinating if we can look at each other instead of hide and gatekeep things me like. No, no, no, I do do it all because the reason why we're afraid to communicate, that is because we don't want to be judged and seen as like bad mothers, bad women, yep.

Speaker 1: 36:49

Yeah, I love that because it goes right into the work smarter, not harder, category and you're bringing that creativity into parenting, which is also probably quite fun for your kids. And I'm just thinking on Smilesdale when I got to young adulthood I didn't know how to cook Like I didn't know. I couldn't figure out how to put a meal together. We're learning skill while doing it. I'm just seeing nothing but positive boxes. And I really also agree with what you're saying about looking to men.

Speaker 1: 37:20

Even as you were saying that, I was thinking about my fiancee and me and I was like the amount of time it takes him to do something is significantly less than me because he trusts himself that it will get done. In that time I will sit there and work myself into thinking it's not there, it's not there, I need more time, I need to recheck it, I need to redo it. I should really just trust myself that when it's done, it's done. So it's very interesting and I've also heard you talk about how that, as a parent, it is only you who can teach and grow your children, like mentors and other relationships outside of the home, which I think have also insanely helped to raise me personally. Can you bring an insight of how to create those relationships with family members or friends and helping them in the world of your children.

Speaker 2: 38:24

Okay, so if I was to have children today, I would show up very differently than if I had a fourth child today. I would show up very differently than my first child. And what I noticed is when your kids are young, we have so much control, like there's this illusion and perception. The biggest pain point is typically their behavior, like the tantrums and you're trying to learn all the emotions, but for the most part, you do have control over what they eat, what time they go to bed, whether they listen to you or not as a different story what they dress as, and then usually they get toddlerhood and then you're like some of it's going out the window. The second they hit teenage hood any control that you felt you had out the window and raising boys.

Speaker 2: 39:11

I would say the last few years of I also had like a little pre-midlife crisis where I was like I need men that are doing this work in my life, like I was actively seeking out good humans that were into personal development. I'm like you are a good role model for my boys and I would beg them to be in their life in some capacity, and so I think it is selfish to think that like I need to be everything to everybody and to like do it all, and I was like that. I was honestly like that pre-diagnosis If my children had macaroni and cheese fed by somebody else, I was like their life is over, I've screwed up. But I realized the control was me feeling out of control internally and so then I realized this is a communal thing and I know our culture is individualized and people say where's my community? I don't have my village and, yes, you can create it and I do not have like a whole bunch of people around me.

Speaker 2: 40:15

But I actively try to get the kids involved in other things and put them in situations with other people that I think are good mentors for them, or even being like look at this YouTube video, let's watch this YouTube video together, let's listen to this book, and if you have to manipulate them, that's okay, watch this YouTube video. I'll give you more Wi-Fi time, but it's like play these games of like putting them in different situations, rather than putting all of that on your cell. Like even my 14-year-old who's like I don't like this or I don't like that, and I said go do your research, then come back to me and we can have this conversation, but I'm not going to do the work for you. The old me would put that on my plate and then I would have did all the work.

Speaker 2: 41:04

And it's like how can we co-create with our children, with our partners, with everyone? Why are we putting? The invisible load that is on our plate is often there because we're like yeah, I'll do this, yeah, I'll do this, yep, yep, yep. And we're like so we have value as we are, just by being in people's lives and how we show up. It's not about what we do for others. So there's ways that we can kind of shift how we show up and lead for people instead of doing their work for them.

Speaker 1: 41:36

Heather, you have really eased a lot of stress, I feel, in cortisol. I even have her on this topic with this wonderful conversation. You do so many amazing things, including coaching and whatnot, and you have your own podcast. Can you please tell everybody where they can find you?

Speaker 2: 41:55

Yeah, they can go. So the podcast is called. It's behind my head, it's called Emotionally Uncomfortable. I actually put a lot of content out. So there's three episodes a week. There's usually a interview of some sorts, and then there's one that I do on parenting and then one I do on attracting profit, and profit to me is time, money and energy, because I just think if women are profitable, we're going to change the world and we can do what we desire to do. But it is going to be emotionally uncomfortable. So the podcast is the place to find me and any free resources I have. I give a lot of tangible support. You can just check it out on my website at heathershowangshauvincom.

Speaker 1: 42:44

Thank you so much for listening to Confessions of a Want to Be Ick Girl. Don't forget to rate and subscribe to the show. As always, we'll see you next Tuesday.