Confessions of A Wannabe It Girl
Playing Bigger Don't Dim Your Light: How to Aim Higher and Achieve More as a Woman Leader
Join us for an inspiring episode with Emily Adams from Transformative Leadership, where we explore overcoming societal expectations and embracing your true potential and learn to stop dimming your light! Emily shares her incredible journey from the Amish culture to reclaiming her power and identity, highlighting the pivotal moments that made her realize she was meant for more. We adiscuss the importance of unlearning limiting behaviors, staying true to your core beliefs, and navigating challenges in male-dominated spaces.. Tune in for a thought-provoking conversation on living authentically and confidently.
You can watch the full episodes on our Youtube
Youtube - Confessionsofawannabeitgirl
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@confessionsofawannabeitgirl
Join us for an inspiring episode with Emily Adams from Transformative Leadership, where we explore overcoming societal expectations and embracing your true potential and learn to stop dimming your light! Emily shares her incredible journey from the Amish culture to reclaiming her power and identity, highlighting the pivotal moments that made her realize she was meant for more. We adiscuss the importance of unlearning limiting behaviors, staying true to your core beliefs, and navigating challenges in male-dominated spaces.. Tune in for a thought-provoking conversation on living authentically and confidently.
You can watch the full episodes on our Youtube
Youtube - Confessionsofawannabeitgirl
Confessions of A Wannabe It Girl’s TikTok:
@wannabeitgirlpodcast
Confessions of A Wannabe It Girl’s IG:
@confessionsofawannabeitgirl
Hi guys and welcome back to Confessions of a Wannabe it Girl, the podcast helping you filter out the BS in pursuit of becoming the next it girl. And today we are diving deep into filtering out that BS. I think we can all, at this point in our lives, probably relate to a situation where you kind of maybe started to act a little small, dimmed your light, didn't really maybe live to your fullest potential, and then maybe came to regret it a little bit later. There's many times that I feel women often feel this constraint to act smaller or wait their turn to speak and really dim their sparkle. But I think we all get the notion that we're over that. Something that everybody would like to do a little bit more is shine brighter and not dim their light. We are joined by Emily Adams from Transformative Leadership to dive into exactly this how to stop dimming your light and shine a little bit brighter.
Speaker 1:Welcome to Confessions of a Wannabe it Girl. I'm your host, marley Fregging, and I'm here to help you filter out all the bullshit and become the next it Girl. This podcast explores the reality of what it really takes to make it out there. As it turns out, it is way less Instagrammable than I thought it was going to be. I'm still very much a work in progress, but there's simply nothing else I'd rather be doing than chasing my dreams. So there's simply nothing else I'd rather be doing than chasing my dreams. So let's learn from my mistakes and work together to achieve our dreams with more confidence, clarity and direction. Let's get after it. Hi guys, and welcome back to Confessions of a Wannabe it Girl.
Speaker 1:Today, I am sitting down with the beautiful Emily Adams. How are you, emily? I am amazing. Thank you for having me. I love that we're starting in a golden place. I am so excited to dive into this conversation with you because I feel like it's something a lot of women are going to relate to. We have all been in situations, spaces and places where maybe we have pushed down our light, hit it a little, not let our power come through to our fullest extent, and I'm excited to just touch on all those things with you.
Speaker 2:I'm excited to go there All right.
Speaker 1:Well, let's do this. I guess we can start by saying like why is this topic important to you?
Speaker 2:Why it's important. So I'll take you back for how I was born and raised. I was born and raised in the Amish culture and in that culture you are not seen or heard or respected as a female at all. You are very much dimmed down every single day of your life Like that is your life. You're there to have kids cook and clean and that's about it. Can clean and that's about it and fast forward.
Speaker 2:At the age of 17, I jumped out of a two-story house in the middle of the night and left and never looked back and in that started the journey of really me taking my power back and not allowing people to dim my light.
Speaker 2:Along with that, I will say there's been a lot along the journey, that every step I took, there's levels to taking your power back. There's levels to not dimming your light. There's levels to well, I'm not sure who I am to truly fully being your authentic self at all times, not just when you're at home or not just when you're at work or not just when you're in certain spaces that all times and I got to talk all day about this topic, so that's why I'm so passionate about it is to tell people, regardless of where you came from or what your story is. You can unlearn those behaviors and those patterns and those cycles that keep you in that space that doesn't necessarily feel safe for you to be big, to be bold, to be that girl right To be that person for you to be big, to be bold, to be that girl right To be that person.
Speaker 1:Wow, I mean, it sounds like you went through potentially one of the biggest dimming light situations that I have ever personally heard of. I just, if you don't mind, I want to take it back a second, like talk about how you knew that your light was being dimmed and how you knew that you wanted to leave this situation.
Speaker 2:Yeah, growing up, I always knew I was different. I never fit in with any of the girls. I wasn't full of drama, I couldn't do the judgment, bs, stuff and going to school. I got out of school when I was 13, which is a sixth grade education. I got out of school when I was 13, which is a sixth grade education and instead of going to go learn all my things with my mom, I went to go hang out with my dad and through that process I saw a lot of the outside world.
Speaker 2:Right, I was able to be like wow, like, if these women can do it here, who's to say that I can't do it? But then it came with all the stigma of like no, you're meant just to be an Amish person, just to be an Amish wife. Right, that is what you are born to be and that's what you're going to be. So there, right, there was like the first of like no, I'm meant for more. And I always had that feeling of more. And I will say this to the women that feel that feeling of more, or to anyone listen to that lean into it, because there's gold there. It's not that you're extra, it's not that you're driven, it's not all these things, there is gold into wanting more, because even where I'm at in my life today, I still want more. That is part of like our creation as women right, we create and that's how we evolve so fast forward.
Speaker 2:I knew it wasn't what I was meant for, but I had no idea what that looked like. I lost my best friend in a buggy accident and she passed away when I was 16. And I was like you know what? I'm either going to stay here and be stuck for the rest of my life and be miserable, or I'm going to follow where I feel like I need to go, even though it means like I'm stepping away from everything I've ever known in my entire life. And that in itself was the start to following my more and which led then into like, going to college and graduating, you know, from Purdue and then going into powerlifting you know, competing nationally, like all these things to always follow my more.
Speaker 1:I love what you're saying about. You know, following your more and how you got to see this world and start to see that, like you, don't have to be stuck in this box of whatever the world or your surroundings have told you. Maybe is your box. What do you think are some of these societal constructs and beliefs we've maybe started to believe?
Speaker 2:Oh man, we don't have enough time for all of these.
Speaker 2:So, true, so true. So I think one of the um, the some of the top ones that kind of come into my mind is you can't have a successful career and be a wife and be a mom all at the same time. If you wanted to, or you need to, be a wife, you need to be a mom. No, you get to be who you want to be. You get to want to run a multimillionaire business if you want. You get to build your career if you want. There is no one path, there is no one thing, and it's like what is your more? What is that? And then, letting go of those constructs. There's so many constructs of like oh, women should cook and clean. Still, there's still that contract, you know. There's still the construct of like if she makes her own money, she doesn't need a man to take care of her Right, that's a whole other one.
Speaker 1:That's all. Yeah, there's a whole lot there. No, there, there's so much there and there's also, like this is personally what I seem to be wrestling with so much. We'll just take the classic example of you know, you can be a mother and a wife and you can't have a job. And it's like I can sit here all day and we can sit and talk to each other on the computer and I can say that I understand that, I believe it and I know it, but even so, subconsciously there lives this fear that oh, they're right. Or like the second I fail, the second I don't make it, the second I, you know, forget to make a really cute sandwich for my kid, and the second I don't get the promotion, that they were right, that I can't do it. How do you handle those two difference of knowing these things and believing these things but then still falling into the societal ideals from time to time?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and part of that is as a woman or any human. It's kind of going back to what are your core beliefs, where are you operating out of, and if you can stay so strong in your foundation. This is who I am and it doesn't matter how many times I mess up. I'm still a great freaking mom. Listen, I'm not the Pinterest mom. I'm a single mom with two boys. I am not your Pinterest mom.
Speaker 2:And that guilt of not doing the cute things or not having photos or not making these fancy little art projects that drive me freaking crazy. Right, that's not my skill set as a mom. But now I will tell you, like my boys have learned leadership skills, right? So it's like looking at it from a hole and asking yourself what am I doing great at, regardless of what society says? And is society what they say really aligned with you? Do you really enjoy making cute little sandwiches? Cause I don't guess what your grilled cheese is done? Come, get it Right. So it's like, really like, blocking out the noise and then also taking some time to acknowledge yourself as a human. Like, what are you killing it at? Because the world will tell you everything you're doing wrong, but how many times does it tell you what you're doing good at?
Speaker 1:Well, and then also, how do we take those times and you know, hold on to them, for you know, our rainy days or our bad times Like how do we not let the aspirations and goals drift to the side, especially when we're faced with challenges or setbacks? What do you do to hold yourself accountable for your aspirations?
Speaker 2:There's multiple things I would say. I always go back to my vision of my life, how I want to run my life, and just to kind of give you an example, I always knew I wanted to live by the beach. I always knew that and I was like I have no idea how I'm going to make this happen, Like single mom living in Indiana, like whatever's going to happen. But it was very, being very intentional, with like no, I'm going to make this happen. I don't know how, but it's on my vision board. I'm doing the work to you know, visualize it and then, listening to my intuition, I intuitively it was like go visit one of my friends in Tampa in October and in January I moved. So it's like listening to your intuition and blocking out the noise, Because had I listened to my family, had I listened to my friends, I would have never made that move. I knew one person in Florida and I was moving with two boys.
Speaker 1:So it's like you get to lead yourself the way you want to be led and as long as you don't take that power and you're not like, no, this is my life and this is what I'm going to do, Someone else will do that for you deal or that this job opportunity is really that your moment and the moment you don't do it, someone else like that opportunity, like I metaphorically believe that opportunity like floats along down the stream and it just goes ding and it picks somebody else by pointing them on the head and then they get to go do it. So why not you? Absolutely I cannot acknowledge for me that in the workplace there seems to be a lot of this conversation about people just tending to lead towards men over women, to hold it together or be the dominant force in the workplace. Be the dominant force in the workplace. How do you raise your voice as a woman and not be seen as just counted off because you are a?
Speaker 2:woman. It's a great question. So I was in the automotive industry, which is 25% female and only 3% of those are in leadership roles, and I was in a leadership role, in leadership roles, and I was in a leadership role, and one of the ways I learned was play smart, and so sometimes it wasn't even using my voice, but just knowing that. I had the stance of no bullshit, like don't mess with me, I know my thing and that's that. Granted, there's a lot of things that come to play, and one of the things I would say, the biggest thing I learned is don't ever put anyone on a pedestal. It doesn't matter if they are your boss, it doesn't matter, because if you put someone on a pedestal, you put yourself in a pit. You're automatically putting yourself to a disadvantage.
Speaker 2:So in the workplace yeah, if it's a male dominant work environment, trust me, I understand that frustration 100%. Right, you have. You feel like you have to overcompensate, you have to overwork, you have to do all these things. But one thing I really realized was I don't have to do all that. I can be me and still be valuable. I am worthy just by breathing, and I don't need to do all these things, things, and I can hold my own. So if you're in those situations, look at like, how are you viewing? Are you putting people on a pedestal or are you viewing everybody as worthy? Because, at the end of the day, if everything is stripped from everyone all their accolades, all their things we're all worthy. Right? We're all on the same playing field. It doesn't matter what you know, who, who the celebrity is, it doesn't matter, we're all have the same worthiness.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's so true. I mean I've never heard the expression, but if you put somebody in on a pedestal, you're putting yourself in a pit, and I think that really hones it back, because when we put it people in a pedestal, saying you have more than me we think it's about them, but the truth is it's what you're saying about yourself, which is a little bit of a tough little pill for me to swallow at the moment, because you know you were talking about how we can kind of all get lost in the noise, like you could have listened to your friends or family or whoever and said, no, I'm not going to move because you know so-and-so said it's a bad idea. Do you have any things you really do to block out that like any actionable things? Because I feel like you know it's so much easier said than done.
Speaker 2:Yeah for sure. One thing that shifted a lot was truly getting knowing, knowing myself to the root core, who I am and how I operate and how I make decisions, and then standing in that and holding boundaries. So, um, when I went through a lot of and I tend to go through a lot of identity shifts right, as we grow and evolve, we go through identity shifts.
Speaker 1:And one of the things.
Speaker 2:One of the things that I did one time was put my name in the middle of a piece of paper with a circle around it and everything and everyone that gave me an identity. I would just write it down, I would just link it to my name. And then I sat down and I was like, okay, which identities do I want to keep and which ones do I want to get rid of? So I crossed out the ones I want to get rid of and then I was like what do I want to add to this? And then that's where I get to develop and that's also goes back to knowing me as a true core person. Do I operate this way? No, I do not. Let's go to this direction and blocking out the noise for me.
Speaker 2:I looked at who I was following on social media and I asked myself is this serving me? Is this serving me where I'm at right now? I'm currently in dating. I don't follow anything about dating. Don't tell me shit about dating. Like I don't want to hear you say dating is horrible. I don't want to hear you say that I need to get on a dating app. I just don't want to hear it. Right, it's because I believe in the way I believe and I want to stay steadfast in that. So it's really like blocking out those noise and then if you have people that are constantly telling you, don't pick up the projection, look at the. Look at the projections people have put on your life and get rid of them.
Speaker 1:Like release them, send them off to the ether. I mean, I also had to recently realized that part of it was my own fault, because I would go and ask people and I would ask people for their advice and I'd ask what they thought about it, and then I'd be like, oh well, I don't actually want to do that. But then I feel this weird guilt because I asked them. No, like I still get to choose not to, but if I don't want your opinion, maybe I don't need to ask it all. Like let me be in my own space to make my own decisions. And I love what you're saying about the dating sphere.
Speaker 1:I had another girl on my podcast and she I asked her, like what are your red flags? And she was like I actually hate this question because everyone's red flags are different. You know it's everybody's boundaries around, what they want to be here and what their influence are different, so we can't make a blanket shift for them all. Yeah, I want to know. You know, with your line of work as well, and you know this, I think I want to know.
Speaker 2:You know with your line of work as well, and you know this, I think, lengthy experience you've had being in this space. How do you encourage other women to play bigger and aim higher than they, you know maybe can see in front of themselves one of the most exciting parts about what we do at transformative leadership, and this is usually through our one-on-one supports and whether we work on the business operations or we're working on the leadership, we take a very holistic approach. And how I do it? There's an exercise and you can do this on your own, but I love doing it with my clients of like getting into your body and just really listening to what your body is saying, Because a lot of times your ego is coming from a different space than your body is, and I'll ask them questions like, from a scale of the one to 10, how excited are you to make a hundred thousand?
Speaker 2:They'll give me a number and then I'll be like how excited are you to make 200,000? And then I'll start doing going in the millions, so you can start feeling in your body like, ooh, this is like really uncomfortable, it's expansive and it's very expanding, and you can do this in any part of your life, but I do it more so on the pricing and the income side. And what happens? They come out of it and I asked them your goal was to hit 200 K and now all of a sudden, you want to be like you felt the a million in your body and you're like I want to make a million now. You never knew that was an option because nobody planted those seeds for you, and so it's like I almost get to plant those seeds and then help them build off of that and then also ask what characteristics are you going to develop to get there? Because you can't just feel it and be like okay, I'm good, I'm ready for a million dollars.
Speaker 2:It just doesn't work that way. You get to build the characteristics that are going to go with it. How are you acting when you're running that type of business? Are you still allowing all this bullshit or you got boundaries? Are you leading from your heart? Are you leading from an ego? And you don't take breaks? Like you get to decide how you're going to act and then start building those characteristics now. So the expansion really happens in this whole. Um, I also love to the whole concept. You can do this on your own, but just play a game. Wouldn't it be cool if and allow yourself to say whatever like wouldn't it be cool if I made 300,005 minutes and be there?
Speaker 1:I love that. And, that being said, like, what are the common pillars of these characteristics? You know, I'm sure, you work with a variety of different people and what are the commonalities that you see needing to be built to help you get to, you know, that million dollar hole in your, in your, like stomach and heart.
Speaker 2:The primary ones are deep inner trust in yourself. So it's a inner trust and really being able to be grounded and rooted and so you're not shaken. It's like you have a strong, stable platform, right and you can build a house off of that. The other, I would say, is boundaries knowing how to set them, and not just for others but for yourself. If you're trying to build a characteristic, you need to have a boundary to say, to build this on a daily basis, I need to do X Y Z. So my boundary is I'm going to do that X Y Z. And then that comes with the discipline, that comes with the consistency.
Speaker 2:Those are all key things. And then accountability and honesty looking at those, because if you can't be accountable for your actions, it's just not going to work Right. And then the honesty gets to be when do you get to call yourself out in love? And also, when do you get to be honest and be like girl you're killing it, like why are you being so hard on yourself? Right? There's the balance of that, you know, acknowledging yourself as what you're doing.
Speaker 1:I want to dive in a little bit more with accountability and honesty because I mean I think I've had to, unfortunately, relearn this lesson a few times is that I find when I really am doing the work of you know what I want my life to be, I start to show up a lot more confident because I know I'm putting in the work, but when I don't do this, it starts to deplete my confidence and I start to swirl and I start to win. However, it seems to be quite a long breath of time before I seem to, you know, have the fall on the bathroom floor moment, cry and realize that it's because I wasn't accountable, I didn't stick to the things that I wanted to do, that I don't feel quite as confident or like I've put in the work, maybe making me feeling a, leaving me feeling a little less than. How does somebody who maybe has fear of holding themselves accountable do a quick little ball change, pivot and really start to get honest with themselves?
Speaker 2:I would say the first thing would be clarity when are you going and what direction are you going in. That would be the first thing. And then it's being able to have so, for example, accountability. There's a lot of different ways, but it's like where are you going and having that plastered somewhere right. So you know every day that's where you're going, correct, and you know what you need to do and you can. Sometimes you can feel yourself slipping away from it and you'd be like oh, I need to go get back to it. But it's also being able to listen to yourself, listen to your body, and be like am I slacking because I need rest or am I slacking because I don't want to show up? And there's some deep trauma in here we get to address.
Speaker 2:Because I will tell you, self-sabotage will come in like a motherfucker. Ask me how I know? Because I know so self-sabotage, you know I always was struggling with like I'm so disciplined in the gym but I would binge eat in the food and I'm like why? Like what the fuck is going on? And the problem is is it was a self-sabotage, I would make a lot of progress and then guess what. I would make a lot of progress. And then guess what Self-sabotage I'll binge eat. And now we're in this cycle of just continuous and I'm not making progress. Well, underlying underneath that is also a fear of failure, a fear of success. So it's looking at those stories and understanding what gets to heal in that space. So I no longer have this self-sabotage. And it's so subtle that sometimes you don't catch it until you're dead set in the center and you're like well, about to go learn this lesson again. But you and you will continue to repeat that lesson until you learn it.
Speaker 1:Self-sabotage is a tricky motherfucker in my opinion. Uh, somebody who also, I feel like, deals with self, deals with self sabotage and didn't even realize I would do it for so long. You know, it's a, it's a tiny, tiny little one, and it leads right into what you said about how there's not only the fear of failure, there is the fear of success. And I maybe it's my age, you know and coming you know we're closing on the 20s chapters and I'm seeing a lot of my friends, myself included, kind of be done with like that first level of being in the workforce and whatnot, and it's really opened my eyes to the fear of of success. Why do you think we are so scared to be successful?
Speaker 2:There can be a lot of different reasons and the very first place I would tell someone to look at is look at their childhood. Look at their childhood and look at the programming that you are raised with. Where you raise, that, oh, you know you're going to be successful in the corporate world all the time. Or were you raised to be like? No, you can be whatever you want to be and you can have a successful business. You can have a success of this. But the fear of success for women comes around a lot of conditioning, right? You know, if we don't show up in in this area, then we're not successful. If we show up in this area, then we're not. Then we are successful. But success the fear of success is also goes back to define what is success to you and asking yourself those questions. And but at the same time, you know there's fear of success and then trailing behind. That is sometimes fear of being seen or being heard or being respected. You know there's a lot that's layered there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think it ties into the idea. Well, it's like, well, if I do all these things, I have now become the biggest, the best, the brightest, and I've never been there, so that's not comfortable. How does somebody who's maybe like on the training wheels of getting to playing bigger as themselves and shining super bright? What are the first steps you would say to?
Speaker 2:start taking. Just take one step ahead. Don't look at how far you need to go. You only get one step, because sometimes we're just giving breadcrumbs, we're not giving the whole picture. And I will give you an example. When I transitioned into the software industry mind you, I coming from an Amish background no technology ever until I was age 17. So no technology background, and I was offered this job making the most money I ever made in my life, and I was like they want me to be a finance ops manager in a software company Like what the fuck is this?
Speaker 2:I don't even know what this is. I took the job and I had no idea what it was. I didn't even know anything about software zero, zero knowledge. But what I learned is the ability to problem solve and the ability to figure it out as you go, and trusting that you get to figure it out as you go, because, let me tell you, I went in there and I figured it out as I went. And guess what? I was their top employee. I was doing all their work and saved them $2 million in six months. So it's just like trusting that.
Speaker 2:And now did I think I was going to get fired? Within the first two weeks of working there Every night, I was like shit, I'm about to get fired. We're going to keep going Like we're going to ride this wave as long as we can, right, and some you're going to be in those spaces and there's. Listen, even as a business owner, today I'm working on like a huge project and I'm like shit, I don't know how this is going to work out, but we're going to ride this wave because it's building faith and it's building trust in yourself that I've been here before, like I got me, like I got this right, and even if it's your first time, you still got you. You're still going to figure it out, it's all going to work out together and it's really that, that time of faith and trust, it's, it's huge.
Speaker 1:It is huge and I think it says a lot about you. Know we worry a lot about the end goal. It is huge and I think it says a lot about you. Know we worry a lot about the end goal, the big picture, but like, really, why don't we just focus on the one step ahead of us, accomplishing that, maybe doing that well, and then we'll worry about the next step tomorrow, not the one that comes in? You know 365 days, but you know we can't, we can't stop ourselves from thinking ahead times and catastrophizing and doing all the great things. I can't not ask you know, when has there been a moment in your life that you know, you, you felt yourself kind of like pull back and like be like I shouldn't say that or I shouldn't do that, I should act smaller. And then you flipped and you realize no, I'm going to take up that space and play big here. Did you have ever a moment in your life where you've done that?
Speaker 2:Multiple moments, but the first moment that popped in my head was going to college as a single mom and sitting in these college rooms with these college kids and I was working full time and I was about five years older than them, with no background, no knowledge, right, and sitting in these rooms and it was like, maybe I don't belong here.
Speaker 2:And then I realized, no, like I do belong here, whether they like, and I did not fit in with any. Clearly we had nothing in common. I was just there to get my degree and it was like this is what college is like, what so? But I was like no, I am going to take up this space and even when I'm at networking events, if I feel myself shrink back, I will. I will remind myself no, you were put in this room for a reason and it's been interesting because the more that I, when I started my business, I was not comfortable with like in-person networking. And now when I walk in a room, everybody's like who are you and what do you do? Because it's just the change of demeanor.
Speaker 1:Right, I walk in, I'm worthy to be here, just like every other single human is and it's the confidence that comes with that. I love that Cause I, you know, I I also love, I actually love a networking event. You know we just dive right in, but it is. It is an interesting thing that when you pull yourself out of it and you try to think about what everyone else is thinking about, instead of just stepping in, being and going and doing, the step, one step at a time, one day at a time, becomes so much, so much more simple, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Yes, it does simple, absolutely yes, it does. Well, emily, you are so wonderful, you are so inspiring to tell us about how to take up space here. Do you mind telling everybody where they can find you and all the good things?
Speaker 2:I am most active on threads under Emily Adams underscore and I'm also. My Instagram is the same. I'm also on LinkedIn under Emily Adams, but anyone that's listening. If you guys need support or even if you need resources like, slide in my DMS like I don't have a problem with that.
Speaker 1:I love it. Well, thank you so much for taking the time to be here.
Speaker 2:Thank you for allowing me to be on this on your podcast.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much for listening to Confessions of a Wannabe it Girl. Don't forget to rate and subscribe to the show. As always, we'll see you next Tuesday. You.