A Gently Rebellious Practice for Finding Peace and Joy Regardless

Chapters

• 0:00 Gentle Rebellion
• 8:05 Finding Peace and Joy Within Turmoil
• 18:58 Discovering Wisdom Through Gentle Rebellion

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the Gentle Rebellion, where overwhelm is optional. This episode is dedicated to the Gentle Rebel community, in particular one person. You know who you are. I'm sending you this with much love and gratitude. So in this week's episode I want to talk about something that comes up for me regularly with clients and particularly came up in our group coaching session in the Gentle Rebel community this week. The Gentle Rebel community, if you're interested, is a very small but will soon be growing community of people who are big-hearted, full of integrity and want more out of life than pushing through overwhelm, into exhaustion. They want more joy, more peace, more ease and are willing to get curious and do the work necessary to let go of all of the things in the way of having that. So if you're interested in joining, it's worth joining my mailing list, because that's going to be where I'm going to put out all the information about how to join when I next open and I'm hoping it will be soon. So please do go to my website and join up. If you subscribe to the Gently Rebellious read, you will automatically be on the mailing list.

Speaker 1: 1:26

So this week's episode is about one of my tiny, huge, life-changing practices. By that I mean what's the smallest thing you can do that's highly effective, that's going to really make a difference, with the minimum amount of time and effort that will help you live more skillfully. Amount of time and effort that will help you live more skillfully, that ditches the idea there's something wrong with you and lifts you up, picks you up during your day. So one of the things that we do regularly over here in the Gentle Rebellion is put on our gently rebellious lenses. So this could be glasses, contact lenses. Obviously it's a metaphorical lens, but I like to think of it with my silly orange glasses that I accidentally ordered off the internet without checking the size, and this week's one is what if everything was for you? What if everything was for you? So this is a way of looking at the world to your advantage, and what I mean by this is not that everything's for you, as in everything's preordained. This is your destiny, a kind of like fixed path that's just pushing you towards one direction. No, no, no, no, no, no. Where's the fun and freedom in that? Where's the agency in that? No, what I mean is is there an advantage? No, not is there. Because I believe very strongly there is an advantage, because I've been practicing this for over a year now and working with clients with it, and we found it really valuable, really powerful.

Speaker 1: 2:59

What would happen if you just decided that everything is for you, everything's on your side, everything's always working out for you, that even when things are awful, there's something in it that is for you and that when you look for it, that's the best thing to do in that situation. Look for the thing. That's one of the tools anyway. I mean, if you were going through an awful time, we wouldn't just do that. There's lots of other things we can do, right, but for this week I really want to just play with this idea and speak my way to clarity on it a little bit more, just explain what I mean, how you can use it and what's been happening with me since I've used it.

Speaker 1: 3:39

So a year ago I was in a lot of pain about a situation which I don't want to talk about because it's private, and I don't talk about things that involve other people or things that I don't want to share because that's my boundary and that's okay and it doesn't make any difference anyway. So I'm human. I go through stuff that's painful and difficult at times and that's a good thing right, otherwise I'd just be irritatingly calm, which I assure you I'm not. Anyway, I was having coaching during this time and I was feeling really, really broken hearted about it. And my coach said to me what's the gift in this for you? And to start with I was a little bit affronted, but I quickly got over that because I was in a very well-held space, full of love, and I understood that this was an opportunity to be open-hearted and open-minded about the situation. And I didn't have an answer at the time, but gradually over time, that question steered me towards finding the ability to be happy regardless of what was going on. And previous to that, although I could distance myself and separate myself and my happiness from certain things, I didn't think it was possible or desirable to do it from everything.

Speaker 1: 5:04

Maybe you can think about that in terms of where do you think that it's okay for you to be happy, regardless of what's going on, and where do you not? So there's lots of things going on in the world at all times, some of which is awful, seriously awful, obviously, and some of it is absolutely joyful. But if everything in the world affects you, then how are you supposed to be free to live your life, and in what way is it helpful for the world if your joy is constantly affected by external circumstances, particularly the ones that you have no control over or can't contribute to, in fact, often the best things we can do when the world appears to be in turmoil. And I think that there's something really interesting about the news cycle and the constant pulling at us, all the time in this uncontrollable way that puts us into well, those of us who are very sensitive to it, puts us into this fear reaction, and this us who are very sensitive to it, puts us into this fear reaction and this activated nervous system. It's not very helpful.

Speaker 1: 6:09

If you think about so my grandparents generation. They fought in the second world war so that we would be free. If we then, when there's wars going on in other countries, don't feel free and joyful, then it makes all war pointless. That doesn't mean we, we, don't feel free and joyful, then it makes all war pointless. That doesn't mean we're not empathetic or sympathetic or wish that things were better for everyone everywhere, but if everybody everywhere is constantly derailed by anything horrible happening in the world, then it just means that the whole collective unconscious is miserable and that's not helpful for so many reasons. Because us being miserable doesn't help other people who are being miserable, it just makes everything miserable.

Speaker 1: 6:54

And deciding to find joy regardless is a very powerful thing to do. It's a highly skilled thing to do. So how do we do it in a way where we don't feel guilty? That's, that's a big thing, isn't it? How do we do it in a way that feels integral, moral? Even so, I that I can't answer that for you, because you, you have to think about your values and what's important.

Speaker 1: 7:22

But I would ask, what's the point of you being utterly miserable at all, actually ever about anything? How is it helpful to be miserable, yeah, or stressed, or derailed from your life constantly? What purpose does that serve? Is it helpful? Is it useful? Is there a better, more skillful way to live? What would be most helpful? What would be best for you first, and, secondly, what would be best for those around you? Thirdly, what about all the people you work with, come into contact with, and then, lastly, your neighborhood, and then widening out to the world. So it's a beautiful meta meditation, isn't there? I'm sure you've heard of it where you.

Speaker 1: 8:05

I can't remember the words now, but the idea is that you find peace within and then you let that, you deliberately, with intention, send that out to a wider and wider circumference of people that you know, and then the whole world and and that's a really beautiful thing, because the world is, has always been in turmoil, probably might always be in turmoil, because people are all living different adventures and different stuff's happening and we can't all do the same thing Because there's loads of us and it's really complicated and when we decide that we're not going to be happy, we can't be happy until every external circumstance is peaceful. Well, how's that working out for you? How's it work out for the world? The more peace we feel, the more joy, the more stability, the more grounded we are, the better effect we have on those around us. And living well, living peacefully and happily that matters. That has a huge effect on everyone. That ripples out, that affects amazing. You know what it's like if somebody says thank you or if a stranger walks by and says, hi, good morning, somebody smiles at you. That has a huge effect. I know there's research on that.

Speaker 1: 9:32

So deciding that there was answering the question what's the gift in this? Gradually over many months enabled me to move deliberately towards the practice and by that I mean literally a practice, which means I can get it wrong. This is just a practice. But deliberately practicing, I choose to be happy regardless. That completely changed my life. That was a big transformational thing for me last year and I'm really really grateful for for it. And that's gradually led into what if everything was for me, because it's a similar thing.

Speaker 1: 10:02

So if something really awful and painful can happen and out of that you can find a gift. So what happened to me is I was asked to find a gift, so I dug deep until I found a gift and the biggest gift for me was the ability to separate my happiness from external circumstances. That doesn't mean I'm unaffected by them. I can feel myself justifying this. I don't need to justify it. I'm very sensitive and deeply caring and get easily affected by external circumstances, so for me it's really healthy and really good for me to not be as affected. But also, it's not about not feeling. It's about rebalancing faster. So something happens and then that grounded remembering of I can choose to be happy in the middle of this unhappiness. It's similar to the ability to choose to be peaceful. To find your grounded peacefulness in the middle of a storm is very helpful. It's very helpful for you and it's very helpful for everyone around you, because when everybody's nervous system is reactive, well, look what happens, look at the world it's unhelpful. So this is how this came about.

Speaker 1: 11:17

I can't remember when I started using the Gently Rebellious lens deliberately, because these practices come through my experience of life and me practicing at the very front of the Gentle Rebellion, then talking about it, talking about it in coaching situations, either with my coach or other coaches or people, other colleagues I have, and then using it with clients and getting their feedback, discussing it in the gentle rebel community and also on this podcast, because the podcast for me is a way to speak my way to clarity, to to work my ideas out, to discuss them out loud, and that appears to be of value to people. So I'm really grateful for this. Now I'm saying it sounds like a really weird thing to do, but it's not, because I'm sharing my journey and you get to join me on that and kind of be in my head a little bit and in my heart. So the gently rebellious lens of what if everything was for me is not a predetermined destiny thing. It's not a I'm the master of the universe and I'm really selfish and I'm going to make everything. Obviously it's not that, because that's not how we roll around here, but it is a choice to deliberately find in what way is this for me?

Speaker 1: 12:46

When things are going really really well? This is what I find it does. When things are going really really well. I notice it with gratitude. I see it as evidence for the statement for the lens. The lenses are working. Everything is for me. Look what keeps happening to me. That's brilliant.

Speaker 1: 13:03

So the first thing to do is put these gently rebellious lenses on to try them as a practice and just see how they feel. Do they fit right? How weird does it feel? What do I like about it? What's weird for me? And treat all of that, notice it completely neutrally and see that as useful information, and then have fun with it and get curious. So what's your resistance to it? What works really well and make the lenses work for you. So it's a choice to peer through the world in a different way for your advantage.

Speaker 1: 13:36

So when things are going well, I find that I'm gathering evidence for the fact that everything is working for me, which then becomes, of course, everything's working for me because I live in a benevolent universe. I am loved, I am adored, I am appreciated, I like myself, I love myself. So when I like and love myself, other people are more likely to do that, because the world tends to reflect back to us useful information. So when I'm feeling confidence and happy, the world seems to work better for me. Can you see that whole? I'm not saying that everything that happens is happening because of our mood or behavior, but we all know that there are days we have when things go better, because and then we can see we can often connect it to our mood.

Speaker 1: 14:26

I think the first time I really noticed this was when it really occurred to me that, as a mum, the way my children were was largely determined by how I was, and that the mood of the house would rise and fall with mine very often and that if I could get my stress under control because it's really hard raising children right Then things would be. So when I was calm, they were calmer, and even if they were having tantrums as toddlers it was. I was less reactive. So my impact and looking after myself first mattered, and that was very clear. Having small children in particular Sounds good. Right, we gather evidence for everything working for us.

Speaker 1: 15:09

But what about when things are really awful? Why would you want to look at the world as if everything's for you when you're going through a really hard time? In what way is that to your advantage? Because the only purpose of putting these gently rebellious lenses on is for your advantage. There's got to be an advantage, right? This isn't about personal development hell where you're pushing yourself to see the gift in things when you're in utter pain and overwhelm. No, no, no, no. This is the gentle rebellion, not the harsh opposite of rebellion. What's the opposite of rebellion? Just cat pushing on through rubbish.

Speaker 1: 15:44

When things are awful, it changes your story from being a victim of external circumstances to using what's going on as useful information. It's building on this. The world is a mirror and reflecting things back to me. Bear with me if that sounds horribly challenging, but when things are awful, it takes real strength and courage to say, okay, so there's a gift here somewhere. What is it? And to do that in a gently, rebellious way, to do that in a lighter way. Okay, so this is happening. This is happening regardless. I'm not saying this is happening for me as in on purpose. This judgmental God of the universe is punishing me. No, no, no, no, definitely not that.

Speaker 1: 16:32

The invitation is to look at the awful way you feel and in order to change how you feel about it and react to it and gain something from the experience that you're having because you're gonna have that experience anyway, because it is happening, because you're in it to gain some advantage in that situation. Looking at it, choosing to look at it through the lens of if this is for me, where's the gift? It just changes it. What could be the gift? It moves you from shutting down into this is terrible. I have to push on through to this slightly lighter, which taps into rebelliousness, and this is really important because you don't want to keep going through stuff like, whatever the thing is, that's hit you again and you're probably getting a oh, here we go again. I'm so sick of this. But what if you get to change how you are with it by putting these lenses on? So let's just think about it for a moment. So you're going through a really tough time at work just for whatever reason, because that's really common, right? So if you decided to, okay, so this is how things are. What if there's a gift in here for me? What would it be? And then that turns you into okay, I'm going to get curious. This is quite challenging, but let's just lighten up here a bit, because I'm going to have to push through this anyway, because this is happening. So I'm going to use it to my advantage, because I'm a gentle rebel and I choose to because I want more freedom and joy in my life. So then you can start getting curious about different things and you want to get really neutral, because curiosity is neutral.

Speaker 1: 18:17

If, for example, it's very, very common to feel, say, extra tired or heavy, for there to be some reaction in the body to stressful events, external events, that's really common. But maybe previously you wouldn't have been aware of that or you would have just ignored it, or you would have added it mentally to your visible, ridiculously long to-do list. Oh, I must get that fixed. What's wrong with me now? Why have I got that pain? There's another problem to be solved. I haven't got time for this now. Just take some painkillers or I'll phone the chiropractor later. That kind of thing. It's another problem.

Speaker 1: 18:57

What if it's not a problem?

Speaker 1: 18:58

What if the feelings in the body are helpful? What would that do? What if you find, like many of my clients that there's a particular part of the body that's like the early warning system that's telling them something helpful. Well, there's a gift Already. There's a gift because you're learning what your body has to weigh in on the conversation, and there's deep wisdom in that. Now, I don't know what that is for you, but I know what it is for me and I know what it's been like working for clients who find that, ah, there's that signal coming, and when you learn to tap into it skillfully, with practice and with lots of forgetting, obviously, eventually you just get to a stage where you're able to talk in that language of oh well, I had that happen again.

Speaker 1: 19:51

So therefore, I know that there's a boundary being crossed, or I'm not I need to go out for a walk or there's something I need to do or shift, or there's something there's a, there's a story I need to let go of, or there's a belief that's ready to be challenged. Whatever it is, but it can often signal that there's a change, there's something, there's a nice opportunity for change, for some transformation, for some more freedom to be gained, or not, because you might not have anything in your body. Everybody's different. Not everybody feels something in their body, some people get something else. Sometimes you can catch a really old story that's attached to or being triggered by the situation you'll find yourself in, and actually the story that is running, as this invisible background noise, is actually hugely adding to the awfulness of the situation. And once you've caught that, suddenly there's some lightness because you're able to distance yourself from it. So there's all sorts of things that you can find by just putting on this gently rebellious lens and looking at the world through.

Speaker 1: 21:04

What if this was for me? What if everything is for me? Another one is and this is linked to I can see now now I'm talking to you where this practice has developed from, because I remember somebody years ago, reading years and years ago, maybe 30, 40 years ago somebody saying something like if you go through the world meeting people, as if everybody has a gift for you, everybody has something to say to you, you know some little piece of wisdom, then it changes how you meet people, how you talk to people, because it obviously makes you more curious, more open-minded, more neutral, more interested, a better listener, more conscious listener. So that's part of it. What if everything is for me? What if everybody I meet has a message for me, but not in a deep star trekky way. Not star trek like I don't know. You know what I mean some deep sci-fi, twilight Zone way, just in a gentle, you know, even like you know some I don't know some people I watch sometimes and you say hello to them and there's something about them that's just inspiring.

Speaker 1: 22:19

Sometimes I see an older person walking and they just look really happy, you know, like they're really self-contained and good at looking after themselves, or they just seem to be enjoying the day and I might find something inspiring about the way they walk. Maybe they've got a spring in their step or I don't know. Or somebody's wearing a hat in a particular way and you think, well, that's so cool, cool, I love the way they carry off that hat. And what's the gift for me? Well, am I wearing clothes that make me feel like that? You know, do I need to to think about having more fun with how I wear clothes? I don't know this, I'm just making this up, but these are the kind of things that would go through my head as I'm walking around and see other people when I'm in that state I'm not in that highly skillful, curious state all the time of what if everything was for me?

Speaker 1: 23:16

But increasingly over the last year I have been and I really like these gently rebellious lenses and I highly recommend you give it a go and just pop them on and just see what does that mean. What does that mean Without being harsh on yourself. This is really important because I know what it's like when you're going through a really, really awful time If somebody says to you what's the gift in that you just want to punch them. I get that. I was in that situation, but I wasn't in that situation because I was asked the question in a particular way in an incredibly well-held coaching container. So I can't do that for you through the podcast. So I have to just emphasize the self-compassion with which you need to hold yourself as you play with this particular gently rebellious lens.

Speaker 1: 24:07

There are others, but for this week I invite you to try these on for size and see if you can lighten your load, find more freedom, create more space for joy. And if you do try them and you want to write to me and let me know how you get on, I'd love to hear from you. You can reach me by clicking in the how you get on. I'd love to hear from you. You can reach me by clicking in the show notes below. Thank you for being here. See you next week for more resources to help you gently rebel.