Unfinished Objects and Quitting Before the Miracle

In this episode I talk about an AA slogan I heard in a meeting and how it applies to one of my notorious UFOs (unfinished object).

Music Credit: Ketsa "Day Trips"

Content Warning: I talk about depression and negative body image in relationship to sewing and fitting. 

Transcript

[instrumental intro music, upbeat with trills and bells 

Music Credit: Ketsa, “Day Trips”]

Holly 00:30

Hello! I hope you're well! It is Sunday afternoon and it's the middle of May and I kind of can't believe that. But it’s gorgeous out and I am thinking a bit today about summer and transitions and how I can start to get ready for a real big change in the pace of our daily life. And I know I'm not alone in this. Where I'm at in the United States there's been a lot of good news and not surprisingly [laughter] it makes me feel really anxious. And that’s likely the result of my brain and also the family history of alcoholism and then also just [laughter]  living through a pandemic and not really knowing quite what the future holds. So for me yeah I've just been really trying to stay present in the moment. And so I’m not going to talk too much more about that. 

Holly 01:34

What I wanted to talk about today is a slogan that I heard and one of my meetings and how it applies to some of my approaches to crafting, which you know if you're new here I'm so happy you're here. I talk here on this podcast about my own journey of recovery, which is in a 12-step program of Al-Anon as well as with knitting and sewing. Those are the two things that I've been spending a lot of time [laughter] doing and thinking about during the past year. So take what you like and leave the rest, whether it’s about knitting or recovery. [laughter]

Holly 02:14

So the slogan was really interesting to me. I think it’s an AA slogan. So what i’m about to say really has to do with how it  applies to me and my aspect of the disease because I think I can see how the slogan, when I was in a different moment of recovery, it would have enabled me to do some really destructive behavior. And the slogan is this: don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle. That's really great slogan that I hadn't heard before. And I said I really do think it comes from more from AA than Al-anon and I kind of think I can understand why. From my perspective if I had heard that you know even six months ago it would have produced a lot of guilt and shame because you know I did quit and there hasn't been a miracle [laughter], especially in the way that I've been thinking about it. I left my partner-- i divorced my partner--who struggles with addiction and I spent years waiting for a miracle and of course the miracle was for him to find sobriety not for me to deal with my disease of alcoholism. I was so focused as you know I think it's normal that if only I could fix this really big problem about him than everything that's wrong with me would change as well, which is part and parcel with my disease. And if I heard it six months ago, I would have just thought, yes, I must keep working towards trying to save him, which is not what the slogan is about. The slogan is about not stopping dong the work before you see result, especially with something like recovery which  can feel really really hard.

Holly 04:08

 it can feel like you're just endlessly working and nothing is changing. And sometimes it feels like doing the work of recovery can make things seem harder. I have at least have spent years not dealing with my feeling, which were backed up and I really had to go through a process of grieving and it really sucked (sorry for the language). But I heard this slogan today and it reminded me about an abandoned sewing project and it's a project that I took on at the height of the insanity of my marriage when my partner was really not in a great place and I was in deep denial about that. So of course I threw myself into increasingly complex projects both at work and in making as a way to deal with it. And I know i’ve talked before about how making can be an escape and this project was definitely from a time when I was doing that. 

Holly 05:07

So one of the things that I did during that time period was that I took class to make my own block. [laughter] And a block if you don't sew is a closely fitted pattern that you can then use to make other patterns from. So it's very much about mapping your body so you can get really good fit. And this block pattern project was really intense because you really have to take a lot of measurements and objectively map it. And, like, all of my triggers were activated. I felt really crappy about myself . I felt really sad and depressed I felt unable to really focus in deep ways, Part of it was that I hunch my shoulders. No surprise! I work at a computer [laughter] and I don't know I just hunch my shoulders and so I have a rounded back and so I kept trying to make this block and I made it version after version after version and it just couldn't get the fit right and you know I kept seeing people in the class progressing and I just felt like I was broken. I felt like my body was gross and disgusting and that there was no way that these normal solutions would apply to me and even in this custom fitting class like my body was too difficult to fit. 

Holly 07:26

You can already hear how down on myself I was.  So I threw the toiles,  which are practice versions made out of cheap fabric, into the back of my closet and I just pushed the whole thing aside because it was just too much for me to handle at that moment and I haven't looked at it for almost two years since. [laughter] And  i've been happily sewing since. It was totally the right move at that time for me to quit. [laughter] It just wasn't working. It was making me sad and I just wasn't able to do it and from time to time I’d think about it and get curious and I think to be honest I had some sort of desire to like strive to finish it but I also knew it just wasn't the right time for me to take that on. Like I wasn't enough space to do that kind of body work and I would see people talking about blocks and fitting and I’d feel a pang of remorse but you know there's something to be said for really simple patterns that don't require you to do that kind of obsession about fit.  

Holly 08:24

My point is that I heard the slogan and it made me think of this project because I did quit and I wondered what I, maybe now that I'm in a different place, i have more time, I’m more well rested. I like myself more. You know maybe I can spend time on this. 

Holly 08:39

I've made a lot of clothes this year so I don't I don't feel like I need to fill gaps. I feel like I have enough stuff and so I'm thinking okay well maybe a more challenging project would be useful for me right now, one that forces me to slow down and really you know take things one step at a time and I can get a different kind of result. So I dug out this project. It was so far back in my closet, like I had to not even see it![laughter] So I tried them on and I realized almost immediately that I had quit 5 minutes before I would have figured it out.

Holly 09:22

The fixes that I need to make are so quick and easy and I just couldn't see it at the time. One of them has to do with what I now know is my forward shoulder adjustment; like I have a rounded shoulders so I always have to make an adjustment to move where the shoulder seam is and of course the other one is-- I'm probably going to share a little bit too much-- but I have to lower the bust line [laughter] because I spent a year wearing those like non-underwire bras. And i have to let out the side seam to give myself a little bit more room [laughter]. And I can [laughter] I can see that objectively and I can do it because I know that the result will be worth it if I just accept what I need to accept then I will now have a block that can allow me to make things that will fit so so much better.

Holly 10:17

So that's where I'm at today. I am thinking a lot about that slogan: don't quit 5 minutes before the miracle. And this is such a small example but I'm also trying to take it into other parts of my life, especially this moment of transition. Next September is going to feel very different than this year in terms of work and that's for my kids in terms of school and this will be the first year that we're not dealing with active addiction in our household. Of course this past year we haven't had active addiction in our household but we really had a quiet lifestyle and we've really been able to heal and I have some anxiety moving forward about how I'll continue that progress. Right like how will I … I spend so much time this year on recovery which is a gift of this really horrible time of the pandemic that's been so challenging for so many people and including myself. But there have been some silver linings, which are these zoom meetings that I can go to and do the work of recovery. 

Holly 11:32

I know there's a lot of upheaval; there's a lot of anxiety if feels like for everybody around me. Everyone seems to have an opinion about the changing requirements for what what's going to keep us all healthy and I think as I move forward I'm just going to keep doing that work of recovery and try and remind myself that the slogan is about me, and taking care of me, and stay with what works for me and not quitting the things that really do help keep me grounded especially in times of trouble. And lo and behold that dang topblock [laughter] is linked to this so anyway it's feeling really good to make those changes. I have one more toile make to see if I'm right that these quick fixes will work. And once I have that like wow I can really...I don't even know what I can do with it! That’s how much it flattened me 2 years ago. But I’m realizing now that I'm a different person, quite literally [laughter] given that I have to lower my bust line! [laughter] But I have tools and resources that I didn't have before and this lets me see this and for that I'm grateful.

Holly 12:57

I'm still working on my two knitting project. There's not much to say. I’m working on a fingering weight lace sweater. It's looking really pretty and it's really just complicated enough for hanging out with my kiddos but also keeping myself sane. So I’ll end there.  

Holly 13:21
Thanks! Bye!

Music Outro [instrumental upbeat music with trills and bells; Music credit Ketsa “Day Trips”]