Welcome to AMA #2! In this episode, we dive deep into “The Secret to Setting Realistic Goals for Success.” But we don't JUST cover goal setting. We also cover how to increase your emotional attraction, how to say no, and my favorite Bible passages! Whether you’re aiming to improve your health, career, marriage, or personal life, this episode is for you.
What if you could rekindle the emotional spark in your marriage and set your days up for unparalleled success? This episode offers a treasure trove of advice, starting with practical tips on cultivating emotional attraction with your spouse. Through direct communication and intentional actions, you'll learn how to evoke cherished emotions and make your partner feel truly loved. We share personal anecdotes and examples, emphasizing the importance of consistent effort and open dialogue in nurturing a strong emotional bond.
Mornings set the tone for your entire day, and we're here to help you make the most of them. By sharing insights on developing a morning routine tailored to your goals, we underscore the power of intentional habits. Whether it's a brisk walk with your dog, a nutritious breakfast, or a moment of meditation, discover how these routines can significantly boost productivity and well-being. Drawing from Jason's own experiences, we provide a roadmap for crafting a morning that aligns with your personal aspirations.
Explore the essence of spiritual attraction and alignment through the PISE framework—Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual aspects. We delve into the importance of living authentically and in accordance with your core values, sharing personal stories and biblical examples to illustrate how spiritual alignment enhances both personal fulfillment and relationship dynamics. Additionally, we touch on the joys and challenges of parenting, highlighting the invaluable lessons our children teach us and the importance of intentional connections. Join us for a heartfelt discussion that aims to inspire and uplift.
Don’t forget to like, subscribe, and hit the notification bell to stay updated with our latest content. Share your thoughts and questions in the comments below—we’d love to hear from you!
Your Host: Kimberly Beam Holmes, Expert in Self-Improvement and Relationships
Kimberly Beam Holmes has applied her master's degree in psychology for over ten years, acting as the CEO of Marriage Helper & CEO and Creator of PIES University, being a wife and mother herself, and researching how attraction affects relationships. Her videos, podcasts, and following reach over 500,000 people a month who are making changes and becoming the best they can be.
Welcome to AMA #2! In this episode, we dive deep into “The Secret to Setting Realistic Goals for Success.” But we don't JUST cover goal setting. We also cover how to increase your emotional attraction, how to say no, and my favorite Bible passages! Whether you’re aiming to improve your health, career, marriage, or personal life, this episode is for you.
What if you could rekindle the emotional spark in your marriage and set your days up for unparalleled success? This episode offers a treasure trove of advice, starting with practical tips on cultivating emotional attraction with your spouse. Through direct communication and intentional actions, you'll learn how to evoke cherished emotions and make your partner feel truly loved. We share personal anecdotes and examples, emphasizing the importance of consistent effort and open dialogue in nurturing a strong emotional bond.
Mornings set the tone for your entire day, and we're here to help you make the most of them. By sharing insights on developing a morning routine tailored to your goals, we underscore the power of intentional habits. Whether it's a brisk walk with your dog, a nutritious breakfast, or a moment of meditation, discover how these routines can significantly boost productivity and well-being. Drawing from Jason's own experiences, we provide a roadmap for crafting a morning that aligns with your personal aspirations.
Explore the essence of spiritual attraction and alignment through the PISE framework—Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual aspects. We delve into the importance of living authentically and in accordance with your core values, sharing personal stories and biblical examples to illustrate how spiritual alignment enhances both personal fulfillment and relationship dynamics. Additionally, we touch on the joys and challenges of parenting, highlighting the invaluable lessons our children teach us and the importance of intentional connections. Join us for a heartfelt discussion that aims to inspire and uplift.
Don’t forget to like, subscribe, and hit the notification bell to stay updated with our latest content. Share your thoughts and questions in the comments below—we’d love to hear from you!
Your Host: Kimberly Beam Holmes, Expert in Self-Improvement and Relationships
Kimberly Beam Holmes has applied her master's degree in psychology for over ten years, acting as the CEO of Marriage Helper & CEO and Creator of PIES University, being a wife and mother herself, and researching how attraction affects relationships. Her videos, podcasts, and following reach over 500,000 people a month who are making changes and becoming the best they can be.
Welcome to this week's AMA, where I don't know the questions we're going to be covering. Jason will be revealing them to me as we go through. So, as the intro, all I can really say is welcome, and make sure that you press that follow button or that subscribe button If you're watching on YouTube. The follow button wherever you're listening to podcasts, because it will make sure that you don't miss the new content that is coming out. Other than that, we're going to dive into some listener questions.
Speaker 2:
All right, here we go. Question number one how do I cultivate emotional attraction between my spouse and I?
Speaker 1:
Cultivating emotional attraction. I love the word cultivate in that because it is something that is intentional. When we cultivate anything, whether we're thinking about like gardening, as an example, you cultivate the soil so that you can plant the seeds and so they can grow. But it takes an intentionality, it takes a dedication, it takes a commitment and a and a purpose of making that thing happen. So, when it comes to emotional attraction, emotional attraction is evoking emotions within another person that they enjoy feeling. So if you really want to cultivate emotional attraction with your spouse, the best place to start is by asking them what are the things that, when I do them, evoke emotions within you that you enjoy feeling? And you may be surprised by their answers. Now here's the thing what your spouse tells you is literally them giving you the guidebook to how they want to be treated. So the biggest warning that I can give to you with this is please don't ask your spouse this question and then either not do it or disagree. You don't get to disagree. This is your spouse giving you exactly what they would like for you to do. So, as an example, if my husband were to ask me, kimberly, what are the things that, when I do them, evoke emotions within you that you enjoy feeling. I would say to him I love when I come home and you come downstairs from up in your office and ask me about my day and you sit down and you take intentional time to spend with me. Or I would tell him I love when you write me letters. I love the handwritten letters that I've received from him in the past and I love when you plan a date night. That is something that I enjoy doing. So those are three examples. Now, I've actually told him this in the past and guess what? What I've noticed is every night when I come home for like the past month or two now he comes downstairs he sits with me. He didn't say to me when I told him that, oh, like I don't have time to do that, you know I'll get to you when I get to you. That would have just been a complete opposite reaction. It would have evoked emotions within me. I didn't enjoy feeling. But he actually listened to the things that I said and I've seen these things happen.
Speaker 1:
For Valentine's Day, he planned a complete surprise date night. We went to a painting class, which we had not done in probably a decade together, and he brought wine and I had no idea it's what we were doing, and then we ended up going to a new restaurant to eat afterwards, which is my second favorite thing in the world to do Like food is my favorite thing to do, and new food is my second favorite thing in the world to do. Like food is my favorite thing to do, and new food is my second favorite thing in the world to do. But that's the key. You want to ask your spouse what are the things that, when I do them, make you feel loved, cherished, evoke emotions within you that you enjoy feeling and then do those things. It's really that simple.
Speaker 2:
All right, next question. Next question how do I develop a good morning routine?
Speaker 1:
Morning routines are so important, I believe, because in the morning, you can either set your days up for success or you can set your day up for failure. And really, again, it goes back to the intentionality of it. What is it that you're wanting to cultivate in your morning routine? What is your goal of what you would like to get done in your morning routine that will set the rest of your day up for success? So, as I answer this question, jason, what is your morning routine?
Speaker 2:
Um, I wake up, take my dog out, feed him, shower, take him out again and then go to work. And then I have my morning coffee, my breakfast, and then, by eight o'clock, I am ready to roll right into work.
Speaker 1:
Do you like your morning routine?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't change anything.
Speaker 1:
I don't think you don't feel like it's lacking anything.
Speaker 2:
Uh, if I had time to exercise in the morning, that's probably something that I would. I would probably add in Um, yeah, that's probably probably the biggest thing is if I had time being able to exercise in the morning. Um, and sometimes I do make time. Sometimes I wake up earlier than normal and I go to the gym before work. Um, but if I'm not getting enough sleep, waking up an hour earlier probably not the best idea. So trying to juggle, that is something I need to get better at, but yeah, and you feel like you are refreshed, Like once you get to work.
Speaker 1:
you have your coffee, you have your breakfast, you're clear and ready to go.
Speaker 2:
Uh, more so when I exercise I feel a lot better, especially if, if I'm like able to exercise and then kind of walk around or like shoot basketball in the back parking lot before before work, just getting that, that sunlight or some sort of physical activity, and that's when I feel the best.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, when it comes to a morning routine, there are definitely things that I would say if everyone could do these things, I believe that it's the. These are great things to incorporate in your morning routine and I'm going to get to those in just a minute. But overall I really do feel like it's going to be unique to each person because every person is different in what they want to achieve in their morning. So I am more of a morning person. I want to wake up at 6am. I immediately go to my kitchen, I make my coffee, which is a process for me because I have the whole beans and I grind them and I French press them and I love the routine of making coffee. It's very grounding for me. And then I go and I have my Bible study and I have the.
Speaker 1:
I'm this year I'm doing the Oswald Chambers my utmost, for his highest, so I read my day out of that. And then I'm reading through the book of Luke right now and I'm just reading until and then simmering with it, and then I journal some. So all of that probably takes me about 30 to 40 minutes and so we are at 640. I typically wake up about six. We're at 640. And then from that point, I am going to either go work out depending on the day, I'm either going to go work out or I'm going to go for my morning walk, and that is my time. And at this point I still haven't touched my phone other than to like look at the time, turn off the alarm if I set an alarm, but I'm not looking at email. What I'm not doing on my morning is as important, if not more important, than what I'm doing in my morning and then so, from there, I'm going on my walk, I'm listening to worship music or I'm listening to a podcast. I'm doing something that's centering my mind and clearing my head from anything that's just not helpful for me for the day. Once I get done with my workout or my walk, then I'm getting ready and then I'm coming into work, so that by the time I'm at work, here's what I want to have accomplished. I want to come to work feeling focused, energized and clear-headed. That's what I'm trying to make happen, and so everything I do in my morning routine leads up to that.
Speaker 1:
I won't answer phone calls, even if my own beloved mother who is the saint of the world Even if she calls me, and if it's not. If I haven't finished my morning routine, I'm not engaging in the conversation. Now, yes, like I'll engage with my husband and my kids, I'll give them hugs, I'll tell them, you know they're on their way to school, I'll tell them I love them, and on the way to school, but I'm not like sitting down and helping them with their homework in the morning. We're very intentional about how our mornings start in our house, because it can set the tone for the entire day. Now, that's me. There are people who are not morning people and they would rather wake up around seven or eight. They'd rather have their intentional time to read or to journal in the evening. And that's fine too, because evening routines can be as impactful as a morning routine.
Speaker 1:
Really, the goal here is what is it you're wanting to happen and how can you facilitate making that happen? And I told you what it was for me. Now here's what I would say. Like if I could prescribe to every person to try and do these things in the morning, it would be as follows.
Speaker 1:
Number one get sunlight of some kind, and if you can't get outside to get sunlight, get one of those. You can go on Amazon and get these, like UV lamps. I don't know if that's actually what they're called, but there are lights that are just super bright and they are about 5,000, 7,000, 10,000 lux is what you're looking for. You turn them on. You don't look at them directly, but you can turn them on. So I turn one on when I'm reading my Bible in the morning, because in the winter the sun's not out yet, and the reason I'm wanting to get that bright light is because it's helping to wake up my body and to reset my circadian rhythm for the day. So I'm turning that on and it's just kind of here, perpendicular to my face, kind of about three or four feet away, as I'm just doing the stuff in the kitchen each morning, and then I'll turn it off when I'm done with my Bible reading. So I would recommend you to go outside and get sunlight or get one of those lights. Get some light in your eye.
Speaker 1:
I would also want everyone, if they could, to do some kind of movement, even if that's just a five-minute walk or a couple of push-ups or something to just get your body moving. I would also encourage people, if you're going to drink caffeine, that you drink it in the morning, ideally. If you're going to be working out, then you may want to drink the caffeine before your workout, because it can fuel your performance in the workout. Otherwise, try and wait 30, 60, maybe even 90 minutes after you wake up before you drink that caffeine. Why is that? Because your cortisol is already at its highest when you wake up in the morning, and so give it a chance to come down just a little bit before you're spiking it up again.
Speaker 1:
So those would be like and for people who are spiritual, then I would highly encourage that there's something where you're either intentionally praying, reading a scripture, reading a Bible, something that's putting your head in a positive frame of mind in the morning, and then the one thing I would say don't do is do not look at your email, your Slack, your Discord or your social media before 8am. You're like well, I wake up at 8am. You need to have at least an hour, at least an hour, before you look at your phone. Those would be my highest recommendations for what you should do in the morning.
Speaker 2:
Can you guess how long it takes me before I open social media in the morning?
Speaker 1:
Two seconds.
Speaker 2:
About five.
Speaker 1:
Five seconds.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I turn my alarm off on my phone and I'm straight to Twitter.
Speaker 1:
Do you want to know what I learned recently?
Speaker 2:
Sure.
Speaker 1:
And I can't remember right now where I learned this, but If you do something like that that is stressful in the morning, like opening social media or opening email, your body will begin to associate waking up with stress.
Speaker 2:
Clarifying question how would me going to Twitter be considered stressful?
Speaker 1:
Oh, you're asking like you don't feel, like it's stressful.
Speaker 2:
No.
Speaker 1:
You feel like it's what.
Speaker 2:
I mean, I feel like it's just like nothing, because I open it I like see like news it's happening in the world.
Speaker 1:
Let me, let me, let me define stress, because it may not be anxiety producing and it may not be cortisol raising. Great point it is dopamine spiking. Okay so which isn't exactly, which isn't stress, yeah, um, but it does it like, automatically puts your brain into the desire to check those feedback loops earlier in the day, which is a stress on the body Like. So then throughout the day it can be like oh, I wonder what's happening, what am I missing?
Speaker 2:
Okay, that makes sense, that makes that's a that's a good point. Okay, Uh, next question Uh, this is how do you set realistic weight loss, slash workout goals? But I want to take it kind of outside of of that how do you just set realistic goals in general, just in every aspect of life?
Speaker 1:
So there are, there's this, there's this framework I'm sure most people have heard of called smart, smart goals, setting smart goals, and there's actually been a couple of research articles in the psychological literature recently that have just slammed that method.
Speaker 1:
Yes, they have, and I haven't really looked into it, so I don't know all of the reasons specifically why they are against the SMART acronym for goal setting. But I can tell you that in my dissertation research that I've been doing, I didn't use SMART goals for the goal attainment piece. In my dissertation research that I've been doing, I didn't use SMART goals for the goal attainment piece of my dissertation because there is not as much research in general about those and even, furthermore, there's nothing about the acronym SMART, which is specific, measurable, attainable, time-related or realistic and time-bound, basically. So it kind of gives you a framework for many people to which they set their goal. We want it to be specific, we want to be able to measure it, we want to make sure it can be attained. Okay, let's just stop there.
Speaker 1:
When we really look at the best way to go about attaining a goal, the first and most important thing is that the goal that we set is one that we genuinely want to do. It's one in which we are intrinsically motivated to make it happen, and not necessarily extrinsically motivated. Happen and not necessarily extrinsically motivated. So what's the difference? An extrinsic motivation might be. Oh, my company is doing a 5k. I guess I'll sign up because everyone else is and run the 5k. So it's not something you initially tried out or, you know, went out wanting to do. You're doing it because other people are doing it and because you'll feel like it, because you may get an external reward for doing so. Intrinsic motivation, on the other hand, is something where you're doing it just because you genuinely enjoy doing it. So this is me every Sunday morning when I do my five mile run. I love running and I love how I feel and I love the time and no one has to twist my arm. I will want to do it even if I don't feel good. I intrinsically purely enjoy making it happen. When you're setting goals, if you want to succeed in that goal, then drill down personally to ask yourself why, whatever, even if the goal is I want to lose 10 pounds, okay, that can be intrinsic. If there is a why that is strong enough that leads you to want to do it, even in the face of all adversity, you're doing it because it's something you truly want to do. Then, from there, could your goal and should your goal be specific, sure, measurable I think it's helpful attainable? That's where the research begins to differ when we look at people who set goals, the more attainable the goal is, the less likely someone is to actually attain it. There needs to be a sense of challenge, otherwise we don't feel the stress or the pressure to actually move forward towards doing it.
Speaker 1:
And that's the interesting part about dopamine that plays in with this. Just this morning, at the time of this recording, is when I filmed my episode with Dr Daniel Z Lieberman talking about dopamine, and if you haven't listened to it, it was a fantastic episode. You have to go back and listen to that episode. In that conversation, he talks about how dopamine is our reward center. It's the neurotransmitter of pleasure and of anticipation. It's what causes us to plan and want to have a better future for ourselves. All of that is true in goal setting. When we set goals, we are, as a part of that, spiking our dopamine, because our dopamine is very forward thinking. In that moment, we're anticipating how the future can be better than the past, and so dopamine is what is part of the mechanism in our bodies that helps motivate us to get things done.
Speaker 1:
So if I have a big goal ahead of me, where? So, as a quick example, a big one that I'm working on right now is my VO2 max. I'm wanting to. Now is my VO2 max? Ideally I am wanting to run a seven minute and 22nd mile, which I have never once in my life done. I don't even think I've broken eight minutes in a mile. So I'm really having to work hard for this. It's a big goal.
Speaker 1:
But because it's a big goal and it's hard, it's not attainable for me right now. I cannot do it. But I have more motivation to work towards getting it to happen because, not because someone else is telling me I need to run a seven minute and 22nd mile, but because I intrinsically want it to happen, because I and it's not even about the time, it's because I know when I can hit that time is when my VO2 max will be above 50. And I know when my VO2 max gets above 50, and right now it's at 41, when my VO2 max gets above 50, that I am setting myself up for so much better health outcomes as I age. So I'm intrinsically motivated to make it happen. All of the rest of it is just part of it's just the metrics that fall in line to the thing that I'm really wanting to happen, which is better health.
Speaker 1:
So when you are setting a goal, set one that matters a lot to you but is also challenging. Now not and this is that fine line not so challenging that it's impossible line. Not so challenging that it's impossible, like it would be impossible for me to run a four minute mile. It is it literally will never happen. I could never train hard enough for that to happen Impossible. So we don't want to set something that's impossible because we will give up before we start, but we want to set something that's challenging because it will keep us motivated to work towards it. Does that answer the question?
Speaker 2:
Yes, I'm just wondering has anyone run a four minute mile? That seems like physically impossible. Really, what's like the world record.
Speaker 1:
Look it up. I'm sure Usain Bolt has run a. He's like a sprinter though. You still asked has anyone ever run it? Yes, they have.
Speaker 2:
Oh no, but like I'm saying he's a sprinter, Like I don't know if he's run like a mile.
Speaker 1:
Of course he had. Look, look it up. Okay, we're going to see.
Speaker 2:
Okay, world's fastest mile time, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:
What is?
Speaker 2:
it Three minutes 43 seconds.
Speaker 1:
Insane.
Speaker 2:
The women's record is four minutes seven seconds.
Speaker 1:
See, it's impossible. It's impossible for any woman, much less me I can't even imagine yeah, I mean like how I would have to be sprint.
Speaker 2:
I physically I couldn't do it. Like I can't either. Like there are some things that are that I think of like, oh yeah, like if I work like hard enough, you know, like like I can, I can attain that goal. I can't do that. It's physically impossible.
Speaker 1:
Well, you know what, jason? Don't set it as your goal.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, that's key takeaway for me.
Speaker 1:
Key takeaway.
Speaker 2:
Not my goal to run a three minute 43 second mile.
Speaker 1:
No, but the listeners do need to know what you have done. Jason has eaten an entire what's called a burrito pizza, so it's like a Mexican pizza that has a ton of delicious meat, lots of cheese. He's eaten this entire like entire burrito pizza and then ran a five K in less than an hour.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and less than less than 45 minutes and didn't throw up.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, that was the key.
Speaker 2:
Some have called it the most impressive feet for a male athlete ever, ever, but not me. I'm not saying that, but others, others, others. Yes, okay. Next question how do I do a better job at saying no? I know I need to work on myself, but have trouble saying no to people when they ask me to do things that I don't even really want to do.
Speaker 1:
So there's there's people who are more of a people pleaser, conflict avoidant type of person oh, that's me, that's you, yeah, I know it is. And then there's people like me who are like no, yeah, deal with it, yeah.
Speaker 2:
I can see that yeah.
Speaker 1:
Get over it.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 1:
That's not totally true. I've definitely said yes to people when I, when I didn't want to, but for the person who's more of the conflict avoidant, my encouragement to them on how do they say no. They're probably not going to say the word no. They're going to have to use a phrase that feels more uh, genuine to them, such as I would love to. However, at this time, my plate is full or something more truthful. Something more truthful may be something like I really appreciate that you asked me, but at this time it's not something that I can commit to. Yeah and really. But even like we can talk about the wording and how to navigate that all day long. At the end of the day, every person is going to have to come to terms with who they're trying to please and we shouldn't always try to please ourself either but at the end of the day, if we are so overwhelmed or burnt out or our plates are so full that we aren't even able to take time to rest and to spend time with our families and to do the things that we enjoy doing, then you're overworked and maybe you need to get angry about that, because when we get angry, we tend to move to action quicker. So instead of just continuing to be like oh well, I just have to keep managing the weight of the world on my shoulders, maybe you need to be a little more honest and truthful with yourself and you say you know what I'm doing a lot and people should be more thankful. Doggone it, I'm not going to do anything else, like get to the point where you are willing for change to happen, because for this situation you have to be the facilitator of change. No one else is going to say no for you. No one else will you have to do that for yourself. And when you realize that you're doing it for a greater purpose, for your kids, for your marriage, for your own sanity, that's when you will be more comfortable with learning, with doing it Now doing it like you just have to start doing it. It's beginning to say no, even in the little things.
Speaker 1:
This happened a couple. This happened a couple months ago to me. I was invited to go to a speaking engagement and I said yes, and then, the more I thought about it, I thought I really don't want to do it. For several reasons I don't want to do it, and so I finally and and I even told myself. Well, I've already told them yes, I can't go back on my word, but I thought you know what it's my kids last week of school. I would miss their last week. I would miss their final days, their parties, like all of the things. My kids deserve for me to be there for that. And who's more important to me? These people that I don't even know? Or my children Bottom line hands down children, 100%.
Speaker 1:
So I ended up calling the people back and saying you know what I'm so grateful and honored that you would ask me to be a part of this, but with my priorities right now, I need to say no, I'm not going to be able to do it. And you know what? It was fine, no one got mad, everyone was good, nothing fell apart. And it's that when you realize that most of the time, when you actually tell people no, they're not going to have the reaction that you're scared, that they're going to have, they're actually going to be more OK with it. And the people who do have a reaction are the people you needed to say no to. Anyway, it's just doing it and then getting comfortable with doing it.
Speaker 2:
What are some best practices to increase your spiritual attraction?
Speaker 1:
Did you like that answer?
Speaker 2:
I did. You didn't have any comment. Yeah, I didn't know, I didn't know what to say. Yeah, I didn't know. I mean, that was a really good answer.
Speaker 1:
I'm trying to think of how you can say no to things in your life? Was that your question?
Speaker 2:
I mean I came up with the question, but no, I've actually. I've gotten really good at this, good.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
I've gotten much better at this over the last like year.
Speaker 1:
So what is yours? How do you do it?
Speaker 2:
I mean it's just saying no, no, Like, but it's understanding that saying no is okay. Yeah, it is okay, yeah, yeah, it is okay, yeah, like, you don't have to like, feel the pressure and when you get to the point where you can say no to people, like there's not a pressure that you think was going to be there before, like you got to that point of saying no yeah because before I was doing that, I was like, oh, if I say no, I'm gonna feel so guilty and all this stuff.
Speaker 2:
And that's really not the case, because you're doing the best thing for you at that time, right? So next question next question what are some best practices to increase your spiritual attraction?
Speaker 1:
Spiritual attraction is all about our beliefs and values, and so if we're wanting to increase it, uh. So there's two different ways we can look. We will look at this. So the first one is increasing, increasing I say that in quotes our spiritual attraction, in just how we feel spiritually in our own selves. So doing it for us. And this one's going to be much more personal, because our spiritual, the spiritual part of us, is the core of who we are.
Speaker 1:
If you were to replace the term PISE standing for physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, if you were to replace that acronym with body, mind, heart, soul, then the spiritual part of ourselves is our soul. It is what drives us, it's our passions, our angers. It's the core of who we are, and if we feel unsettled spiritually, it's because typically we are not, it's because typically we are not living in line with the person that we truly want to be, so we're showing up differently to others and it feels disingenuous. We feel disingenuous, we may feel like we're hypocrites or like we're wearing a mask, and so that's a very personal thing, and so many times this happens when people, as an example, grow up in church or grow up in a certain faith and then they end up straying from that faith and end up doing things they never thought they'd do or becoming a different person. It's many times that people get there and they're like I feel like I don't feel right, I don't feel like I'm myself. A lot of times that goes back to spiritual attraction. So if we're going to, if we want to feel at peace with ourselves, in our soul, then the question to wrestle with is am I being the person I feel like I'm supposed to be? Am I living in a way that are the behaviors and lifestyle that I believe I should, or are there things I'm doing that are wrong? Are there things that I'm doing that I don't like and I feel guilty about? Guilt isn't bad, guilt isn't bad. Shame isn't great, but guilt isn't bad because it is our body's way and our mind's way. It's our soul's way of telling us something we're doing isn't aligned. It isn't aligned with who we want to be. So in the personal side, I would say that's where you start. Where are the things, what are the actions? What are? Would say that's where you start. Where are the things, what are the actions, what are the behaviors that you're currently doing that don't fit with who you really want to be and address and fix those.
Speaker 1:
I was actually having a conversation with someone the other day and he was living with his girlfriend. He'd been living with I don't know how long they maybe, I don't know, a couple months they'd been living together and he said can I ask you a question? I said yeah, sure, and he said everyone in my life is telling me that I shouldn't get married young, that I need to be in this relationship for a whole lot longer and, you know, test things out before I make a commitment. But I just don't feel right about the fact that I'm living with my girlfriend because I'm a Christian and I feel like that's not what I'm supposed to do. He said what do you think? I replied to him and I said I believe if the Holy Spirit is convicting you that you should listen to the Holy Spirit. I said that's pretty much what I would answer to anyone, including myself. I mean, there's definitely been times in my life where I feel like I'm being convicted about something and that I need to change. Never once has it worked out for me to not listen to. The Holy Spirit Typically works out better, way better, if I listen to what that conviction is trying to get me to turn away from and turn towards Now in our relationships.
Speaker 1:
How can we become more spiritually attractive In relationships?
Speaker 1:
We're attracted to people who we see as having a similar or better set of beliefs and values as we do, so this was one of the ways I was attracted to Rob was that he was a very generous and giving person.
Speaker 1:
He did a lot of work with the homeless people in college when we went to college together, and that's kind of what he was known for. He was known for like giving the shirt off of his back and helping people who were in need, and that was something I saw as incredibly attractive. And he wasn't doing that to get a girl. He was doing that because that's who he was at his core. When we live in line with the people that God is calling us to be, it is attractive to others, including our spouse, and so our spouse or our significant other, even kids, friends, can become more attracted, and not always romantically, but just like this attraction of wanting to be around the other person when we are living in line with who God has called us to be and doing the things that God has called us to do. God has called us to be and doing the things that God has called us to do.
Speaker 2:
Next question this might be hard to answer because, thinking through it, I don't know if I could answer it off. Just give one answer, oh boy.
Speaker 1:
What is your favorite Bible?
Speaker 2:
passage and why. I know it's hard question.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I have so many. There's like five that come to mind.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I was the same way.
Speaker 1:
So if I had to pick one, I don't have to. I'm going to share a couple. So I love the story in 2 Chronicles 20, where the Israelites are being they're about to be invaded, they're about to be attacked by the Moabites, the Ammonites and the Amalekites, I believe, and they had just done all the right things that God wanted them to do, like literally at the end of chapter 19,. It was that their king, jehoshaphat, had done all the right things and had taken down all of the bad temples and removed the idols, and he had followed the law and he had followed all the things God wanted him to do, and he was a good king and he was doing the right things. And then the very first sentence of verse of chapter 20 is that the Moabites and the Amalekites and the Ammonites were about to invade. It's like they were just doing everything they were supposed to do. Why was a bad thing about to happen to them? And so the people began to pray and they began to fast, and Jehoshaphat and the priest, they basically got everyone together and they started praying and they say God, we don't know what to do, but our eyes are on you. God has said that we will not need to fight this battle. We just need to basically be still and watch the victory of the Lord.
Speaker 1:
And it's at this point in the story where I think to myself what do you mean be still? There are literally thousands of soldiers coming to you and God just basically told you to do nothing, to just go out. He said go out in the morning to meet them and you will see my victory. And it's like okay. So King Jehoshaphat puts the band, like the praise band, the singers in the front of the army to lead them, and as they begin walking to the place where they're supposed to meet these other men in battle, they start going out with praise. And I don't know about you, but if I'm going out to meet another army, I am not putting the marching band in the front. Ain't nobody going to be killed with a trumpet? I would be putting the snipers like I don't care what God said, I would still be prepared to fight.
Speaker 1:
But I love how, when they get to where they're supposed to meet these people, god had made them all basically fight themselves and kill themselves, so that by the time the Israelites got there, all that they saw were dead bodies, and it took them three days to gather all of the plunder from their enemies and bring it back, and it's just such a testament to how God fights our battles for us, and all we really need to do is worship. And I don't know about you, but it's the last thing that I want to do. In the middle of a trial or in the middle of a battle literally coming to me, the last thing I think about is prayer or worship. But when it is what we lead with God, well, I think God will do amazing things anyway. But when our heart can turn to trust him, our life just becomes easier. In the moment Not easy, but it also reminds me of Exodus 14, 14, which is another one of my favorite Bible verses that says be still, the Lord will fight for you, which I love. You can kind of see a theme in the verses that I'm picking.
Speaker 1:
But then I also love the verse in John at the end of John 4, where Jesus has just met the woman at the well and revealed himself to her.
Speaker 1:
She was the first person in the Bible that he tells that he is the Messiah to.
Speaker 1:
And she goes running back to her town and she says come and see this man who has told me everything I've ever done.
Speaker 1:
I love that verse because when I think in my life to all the amazing things God has done done, that's exactly how I feel. It's this passion of like. You have to meet this person who hasn't just told me everything I've ever done, but for this woman, in that circumstance, the encounter she had with Jesus was intimate and so she felt seen and she felt heard and she had to tell other people about that and I love that verse. Similarly, at the end of John there is the verse that says that Jesus did so many more things that if the whole world, if all of them were written down, the whole earth could not contain the amount of things that Jesus had done. And I love that verse as well because it doesn't just apply then. But think of how many more things that God has done now and how much more the earth would not be able to be filled with the amazing things he's not done. He's not done doing miracles and working in people's lives and transforming the world.
Speaker 2:
Great answer.
Speaker 1:
What are yours?
Speaker 2:
I don't know if I could narrow it down to. I can't narrow it down to one, um, but the ones that came to my mind when I was narrow it down to. I can't narrow it down to one, but the ones that came to my mind when I was thinking of this question. First Kings I believe it's first Kings, I like. I like the story of first Kings and second Kings. But when Elijah is in the cave waiting to hear from God and the fire comes, but God's not in the fire, and then the heavy wind and the storm comes, and God's not in the storm, uh, I believe there's an earthquake that comes, god's not in the earthquake, but God all of a sudden appears in a whisper. I love that verse, um, just because the I think it's a good representation of how noisy the world can be sometimes, yeah, and that God is able to just stop us in our tracks with just a whisper and still reach us.
Speaker 2:
Um, I think of, uh, john 16, the end. I think it's the end of John 16,. John 16, 33, um, where Jesus says that, um, in this world you will have trouble, but take heart, for I've overcome the world. That verse got me through probably the darkest part of my life. So, like without that verse, like I don't know, I don't know what would have happened. Let's see. And also, probably the other one that comes to mind is probably the Beatitudes, matthew 5. I love Jesus talking about reaching out to the poor in spirit, I don't know.
Speaker 2:
I think the whole of Matthew 5 paints such a good picture of the love of God and the love of Jesus and how we're supposed to love other people. So I think that's probably the three that come to mind, probably.
Speaker 1:
I love those you talking about the one about Elijah and hearing God in the whisper. Yeah made me think of how you're going to hate me. Made me think of how yesterday you said you have eight hours of screen time each day, and then today, how you said that you roll over and the first thing you do is look at your phone. And the question I have for you, out of out of love, is when are you making time to hear God in the whisper?
Speaker 2:
That's a good question.
Speaker 1:
It's a question for all of us.
Speaker 2:
These are so. Why are these self-discovery sessions for me?
Speaker 1:
So, the listener can place themselves in your shoes.
Speaker 2:
So the listener can sweat like I am now. It's a good question.
Speaker 1:
It's a good question I mean it's a question for all of us. It's not like it's, you know it's easy to pick on you because you're here, but and because you've been very open about your distractions in life.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 1:
But everyone has that a hundred percent. Most people just don't like admit to themselves that, that they're distracted, that they're not listening, that they're not making time.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, yeah, I mean, I think there's. I mean I think if you, especially like my generation, like I think all of our screen times are probably around this same time. I don't think I'm an outlier. Uh, I think I might. I probably might be a little bit better than some, just because, like I know people who will not put down their phone at all, like affects their work sometimes, like I have a couple of friends like that, um, but yeah, so yeah.
Speaker 2:
I think it's a reminder for us all that we need to make time to hear God in the whisper.
Speaker 1:
For sure All right Last question. Last one.
Speaker 2:
This is a unique one.
Speaker 1:
Okay.
Speaker 2:
What is something that you've learned, either from your kids or just from being a parent raising kids, that has impacted your everyday outlook on the world?
Speaker 1:
that has impacted your everyday outlook on the world. Before having kids, it was very easy to live life for myself and do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it, and especially with our kids, because they're adopted, it it has, and because we've had to be very intentional about attachment, like always. Still to this day, having kids has taught me that it is not just like a nice to have. It is fundamentally necessary to have intentional time of connection with the people you love every day, and that that time goes by so quick. I can't believe that my kids are already nine and seven and that they've been in a home with us for four years. I mean five years. Like I wish I could go back to five years ago and I would do so many, so many things differently. Um, but in even recently, I've made the, the decision of um, like I am not going to go a day without intentionally hugging them or cuddling them or snuggling them on the couch, especially like as they get older, they're not going to want that as much. And and so for me, it's been that my kids have taught me and changed me in the fact of I like I have a, not just a duty and not just a responsibility, but like a, an honor and a privilege to show love on an unconditional basis every day to them, and how I do that is going to affect their future, positively or negatively, and I get to choose what that looks like.
Speaker 1:
Even again, like this morning in the, in the conversation with Dr Lieberman, he'sa psychiatrist and he kept talking about how there were several things that affected a person's, several things that affected a person's likelihood of having mental illness and their likelihood of being, you know, well-functioning people in adulthood, and one of the things is genetics.
Speaker 1:
But another thing is their relationship with their caretakers, and I'm a caretaker, I'm a mom, and they didn't have a great experience with their biological mom. And so for me, like it is even more important for everything about them and for their future that they know that they are loved it's true for it's true for every kid. And I think parents, especially parents who are like in our twenties and thirties, where we and even maybe even forties, like we're just so focused on career success that we can, in the moment and immediate gratification of, like growing a business or whatever, that we can lose sight of the fact that the real sign of success and the real things that matter are in 20 years from now, are my kids going to know that I loved them more than anything, um, and that I still love them at that, at that point, more than anything? And that's how I would answer that question.
Speaker 2:
It's a good answer. I think in a in a different sense of this question. I think, when thinking about like things that we could learn from kids, um, like when I think back to to me being a child and this is something that I like try and do, uh, consciously every day, when I think about me being a child, and just that childlike sense of wonder, in the world of like, discovering, like just everything about the world.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 2:
And I think in today's like digital age, it is so easy to just forget, like how crazy life is, like not in terms of like how busy we are, but like how crazy it is that we exist on this planet and like all the all of God's creation. And so I think it's important for us to that's. Something that we can take away from kids is to never lose that childlike wonder and to always look at the world through almost like through a child's lens, like through child's eyes, and never stop discovering the beauty of God's creation.
Speaker 1:
Absolutely. I have learned a lot of poop jokes from my kids.
Speaker 2:
That's another thing. They tell really good jokes.
Speaker 1:
Oh my gosh, last night we were just laying in their bed with them and it was nonstop with something about farts and poop and I, like they would not stop laughing. Then they started singing a song together in unison, something about butt cheeks. Kids, they had rehearsed it.
Speaker 2:
Oh OK, Did they create this song?
Speaker 1:
I can't figure it out.
Speaker 2:
Interesting.
Speaker 1:
Oh yeah.
Speaker 2:
Hope you enjoyed today's episode Right.
Speaker 1:
On that note yeah.
Speaker 2:
I'm done.
Speaker 1:
How are we going to?
Speaker 2:
end Last question.
Speaker 1:
How are we going to end? Oh, my goodness, if you enjoyed this, hopefully you found value in some of it and we would love for you to share it. If you have a friend that you think could benefit, please feel free to share. As we said at the beginning, if you're following on any of the podcast channels, please hit that follow button, and if you're watching on YouTube, hit subscribe. You can also, on YouTube, put your questions. Whether you have more questions that came up from something we discussed in today's episode, or there's something you would like to cover that you would like for us to cover in the future, we would love to hear that from you as well. Until next week, stay strong.