Building a Resilient Faith for a Lifetime

What does it look like to build a faith that's strong enough but flexible enough to grow with you? Let's explore some foundational practices or mindsets to build in that will help you for the long haul.

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Transcript

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You're listening to the Untidy Faith Podcast, where we have honest conversations and gentle encouragement for when following Jesus gets messy. I'm your host, Kate Boyd, author, speaker, and gentle guide for Christians who are disentangling their faith from culture and desiring to find joy in following Jesus again. There can be life of faith after deconstruction. Let's find yours together. When we were young, building a faith that lasted meant that we knew the right things. But what happens when you change your mind about those things and you realize that maybe that isn't the key to a faith that lasts? Well today, we're going to talk about building a faith that is flexible enough and developing some of those resiliency skills in order to build a faith that stays for the long haul, but still has that space and room for you to grow in it. I'm Kate Boyd, author of An Untidy Faith, And after spending a lot of time studying and a lifetime of learning, I have dedicated the rest of my time to helping Christians who are weary and wounded to navigate this new space that they may find themselves in as their faith is changing. So how do we grow and develop when we're less certain than we've ever been? before. Have you ever heard the term sanctification? It means growing in holiness. It's a process that we all undergo, um, as believers and pretty much every tradition within Christianity believes this. The thing about growing though also means that you might Change in the process. And that's something that we tend to forget along the way. When our faith is experiencing a change, we can tend to feel discouraged and certainly disheartened along the way. And especially so if it feels like you're the only one undergoing the change. You start to wonder if you're doing something wrong. I'm here to tell you that you might be doing something very right. Because we believe in sanctification. It means our faith will change. To become more like Jesus, we have to shed different kinds of programming and behaviors that come with it. Being human and going through experiences and developing as human beings with lives and experiences that interact with other human beings and sanctification. Is that process, it changes you not just spiritually, but in the way that you act out in the world, and that can be a way that sanctification happens. It just doesn't look like we all expected it to look, but it turns out that transformation is actually part of the process, actually part of the territory of following. Jesus. And so that means that in order to have a faith that lasts for a long time, we have to embrace some flexibility, some space to change and transform along the way. Otherwise, we're always going to feel like we're doing it wrong. We're always going to be running into that tension every time that we come up against something and realize that we're going a different direction. So rather than expect to stay the same. Expect to change, expect to transform, expect to shift, because that's what it looks like to grow. So, in the spirit of embracing flexibility, there are a few things that we may need to change or shift or figure out or get comfortable with. And the first thing that we need to start embracing is getting comfortable in the uncomfortable. You see, certainty has become a foundational element, or was, for a lot of our faith tradition, the things that we grew up with. And so when you start becoming less certain, you start getting really uncomfortable. And that discomfort makes us afraid. And that's hard, because certainty has always equaled security for us. But we need to reframe that. Discomfort can actually be a sign. Of growth. It doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. It just means you're in new territory, and in that way, our fear and our discomfort can actually be a compass. instead of a stop sign. So when we feel uncomfortable, we need to get curious. And then we need to realize that we can be comforted and comfortable in the uncomfortable. And it is in the uncomfortable that we actually find that space that we need to listen, to understand, to explore, and ultimately to grow. So how exactly is it that we can start to feel comfortable even in these uncomfortable times when things are growing and shifting and changing? We sometimes feel lost because we don't know what we stand for or what we want to look at first. Boundaries provide us with that safe foundation that allow us to embrace discomfort, embrace change. Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, but we're changing. Why would we want to, uh, have boundaries on that? Boundaries help us because they give us that foundation and they give us that sense of safety while we're allowed to explore another thing. We sometimes think that we need to explore everything or that we need to explore everything at once. And neither of those are true. Yes, everything can be up for grabs, but if you do that all at one time, or if you throw everything out the window and then decide to jump in, you're gonna feel overwhelmed. So instead, put a boundary around your exploration to start, and that boundary can shift and change as you go. But having that boundary will give you some of that comfort that can anchor you in your discomfort. For example, for me, when it comes to a faith boundary, a belief boundary, I lean on the Apostles Creed. It is simple. It doesn't have too many flourishes or details. It's a simple, basic belief list, right? That I can say, this, this I stick with. This, Has been affirmed for millennia, and that gives me a little bit of hope and comfort along the way. Now, for you, you may not be a creedal person, so maybe that's not something that helps you. But maybe you can put a boundary around what you believe right now so that you can explore something else. And like I said, you can explore things at different times, but having that boundary for a little while can give you that safety feeling that you feel like you're missing since you've been pushed out into the discomfort of deconstruction and in the discomfort of change. In your faith. So allow yourself some of that space. Allow yourself the thing to anchor into in order to make changes at a healthy, normal pace so that they can stick and so that you know that you've really considered your convictions another way that we build a faith that lasts for the long haul. is to make learning a core commitment of your faith journey. There is no arriving in faith. There is only process. And learning is how we stretch and build those muscles that help us to continue to grow and move through the process of faith. But, it's not just that commitment to learning. There needs to be a commitment to learning that embraces a diverse group of voices. It's sort of like if you were to only go to the gym and work out the right side of your body, you are going to be really strong in one area, but you're gonna have a whole section of your body that doesn't function the way it should. Or is atrophied. In the same way, only relying on one particular kind of voice or one particular experience or one particular resource can limit your growth because it may only be feeding into an echo chamber that you have. A deeper and wider faith requires a variety of perspectives and ideas. Tapping into just one homogenous perspective is a great way to create a God in your own image, or a God in just that one particular group's image. But, if what we believe about God is true, and what we believe about the good news is true, that it's meant for other people, And for a variety of experiences, then we need to seek the truth that transcends cultures, and that means listening to a lot of different cultures. So the solution is that we need to seek input. We need to seek information from a variety of different teachers. Books, perspectives, and communities. It's really important to add in a variety of voices and find the intersecting truth. And it's not just about listening to ideas you like. Encounter ideas you don't like and ask yourself why you disagree. Or maybe you stumble upon ideas that you don't like and you didn't know it before. Maybe you look back at some of your old theology, or the theology you grew up with, and you think, gosh, this is not really where I'm at anymore, and all of that is okay. And reflecting, taking that time to reflect and asking yourself why and padding that with diverse perspectives can help you find those layers of truth and trim away the layers of untruth that exist in the same space. When we are brave enough to go outside of our box, we can find that there is a tapestry of beautiful ideas about God. And when we encounter God through the eyes of other cultures, of other experiences, and other perspectives, we can really start to see how good our God is. And how good the good news can be, even if it means that we have to shift some of the ways that we view it in the process. So as we continue to try to manage this flexible fate that allows for growth, we also have to learn to manage our emotions along the way. And this can be especially hard. When you have been shaped by a tradition that says that feelings aren't important or feelings are lesser than and that you can't trust your heart. And while I agree that you can't always trust feelings or that feelings aren't facts, They are information, and sometimes your gut is telling you something really important. And instead, you need to start to lean into that and ask why you're feeling what you're feeling when you start to encounter those pangs. And trust me, you will have those pangs. Part of what I think is so interesting about the phenomenon of deconstruction in a person's life is that it comes with so many emotions. I actually think it's a cycle of grief, right? You've got your denial and your bargaining and your anger and your depression and your acceptance. You're gonna go through all of those. And so when you encounter new ideas or you're walking through different phases of this process, it's important to ask. Where am I, why is this happening, and what maybe contributes to how that is affecting me right now. So rather than pushing down or ignoring these emotions, it's really important to ask yourself about them. To get curious and to say, where am I feeling this in my body, and what does it feel like? Or even ask, what am I reacting to, and how am I reacting exactly? And what What information can I take from understanding that in order to understand myself in the process? And it won't be easy and it won't be immediate, but over time with practice, you'll start to have these questions ready to go and you'll be able to self analyze a little bit better and that will help you to manage these emotions in the future. Because building a faith for the long haul for the future means understanding and navigating and even excavating, to an extent, your past, and that brings up with it all of these emotions. So when instead of judging yourself or getting angry for having them or even just sitting in confusion, even though there will probably be periods of confusion as to where all this is coming from, instead of letting those overtake you or pushing down or ignoring altogether, You should get really curious about those reactions and those feelings because they may just help you Figure out what programming it is that you may want to rewrite for your future faith So curiosity about yourself and this process will go a long way Into helping you shift and grow and become the kind of person who follows Jesus that you're meant to be The next thing that I'll encourage you to do in your resilient, long haul faith is to focus on action and behavior and becoming, right, the actual, like, work of following Jesus in action in the world rather than just shifting doctrinal beliefs. Now, I love theology just as much as anyone, but what if following Jesus isn't really about knowing exactly what you believe about God. What if it's actually living like you believe in God and reflecting the God you believe in in the world? There's a saying that I've heard before that action creates clarity. So what if we focused on following Jesus as the verb part, the doing, the following part, the active pursuit of being like Jesus in the world, rather than only examining the internal beliefs that we have, though those can be very important. But really, just staying in your head can create this extra layer of frustration for you as your faith is changing. And sometimes it's the walking out of your faith, even before you know how to articulate those changes, that can snap some of that clarity into your mind as to what really matters. So rather than just staying stuck in your head and focusing on changing the particulars of the beliefs that you have, I want you to start prioritizing the values that you have and living them in the world. I want you to start prioritizing. The reflection, the acting out of the character of God that you believe in, even if you haven't articulated all of those things yet. You haven't delineated them or written out a systematic theology of what you believe. You can already act on the things that you do believe and that you know to be true and good and honorable for everyone and just for everyone. And sometimes it's in doing that, that you not only create more clarity for yourself, but you also create more hope and more joy. In the process, and those are integral pieces of staying in it for the long haul. The last thing I want to encourage you to do is to find a pace that keeps you in the game a long time. Deconstruction can be overwhelming, and it can lead to some serious spiritual burnout. And a lot of this can go back to that boundary conversation that we've had before, that it feels like you have to pull apart everything all at once, and you have to know everything all at once, and you have to be sure again all at once about every single thing. That may be changing or that maybe you believe in now, but that kind of burnout can actually lead to more disillusionment, more disconnection, and that's not the goal here. That's not what you want, probably, and that's certainly not healthy for you, for your mind, your body, or your soul. When you're running a marathon or a half marathon, there are all these groups that have sort of times, right? They're like, you want to run your half marathon in two hours. Follow this person with this sign. It's a pace group, a pace setter, so that you know the level that you have to run in order to meet your goal. Well, we don't have those. In our spiritual lives, and our goals may be very loose. Frankly, our goal should just be to grow. To survive. To continue to find ourselves. And to learn to be, embrace those changes. And to learn to embrace that growth as we go. Because that's what we're trying to do. We're trying to become more like Christ. So we may never arrive. There is no real end. But we can still find a pace that works for us so that we don't find ourselves running really fast and then quitting altogether, because that's not good either, right? So find a sustainable rhythm for your reflection, for your spiritual practices, for your exploration. Also make sure that you find a sustainable rhythm for rest and taking time away from that grind so that you come back refreshed and ready and it doesn't become a thing that wears you out. As the saying goes, it's a marathon, not a sprint. So find the pace, hold up your sign and know what pace you want to go at. That will keep you. Going. And they'll take some trial and error, you won't always know, but I do know that trying to sprint a marathon is gonna leave you exhausted or broken in some way. So instead, find a way to pace yourself, and that way you can stay in it without burning out. and continue to grow and change for an entire lifetime. If you're looking for some help in managing this complex and layered process of deconstruction, or you're looking for some resources in where to look and what to uncover, I have created a podcast for you. It's a private podcast called the Messy Middle Christian Podcast. I made it with love for those who are caught between loving the church and leaving it. This free limited series podcast can be your companion in helping to navigate some of the nuances of an evolving faith. To disentangle from some of those toxic forms of evangelicalism that we grew up with, to craft a healthier faith for yourself, for the long haul with resiliency and conviction, and to rediscover and reclaim the joy of following Jesus. If you're interested in that, you can grab it for free at kate boy.co/messy. So today we talked all about building that resilient faith, that long-haul faith. But in that journey, inevitably, doubt will come along. So what do we do with doubt? How do we explore doubt? How do we hang in there when doubts are with us along the way? Well, stay tuned for the next solo episode where we'll talk all about what to do with the doubts that we have. And if you're enjoying this podcast, please like, share, and subscribe and leave a review so that more people can find the podcast. And of course, come on over to see me at capeboy. co on Instagram and tell me what you think or some of the habits or practices that you're looking to implement in order to build a faith for the long haul.