Have you ever felt the liberating power of setting personal boundaries ripple through your life? My own awakening to the necessity of firm boundaries came through a profound transition that reshaped my relationships and career trajectory. This chapter is a deep dive into the stories of transformation, featuring the inspiring journey of Lexi and her evolution from being confined by external expectations to pursuing her own path fiercely. Her narrative, coupled with the wisdom of Leah Valencia Key, demonstrates the remarkable shift that occurs when we take control of our lives with positive affirmations and boundary-setting.
Navigating the complexities of life's demands, I found solace and strength in learning to guard my heart and graciously accept help when needed—a lesson many of us grapple with. We'll walk through the delicate balance of self-care and openness to support, drawing from my personal experiences with family, work-life adjustments, and the essential guidance of my husband, Edward Jackson, and mentor, Dr. Teri Melton. Their strategies for saying no and empowering through delegation are not only practical but essential for anyone looking to reclaim their time and energy for what truly matters.
As we wrap up, the conversation turns to the often-overlooked aspects of emotional well-being and rest. I'll share how reframing our perspective on emotional release—embracing tears as a strength rather than a weakness—can lead to healthier lives. Moreover, we'll explore the various types of rest we must integrate into our routines: Selah, Sabbath, and Sabbatical. Whether it's crafting moments of peace amidst a busy day or setting up a sustainable practice of self-care, this episode is packed with actionable insights to help you honor your needs and cultivate a life of balance and fulfillment.
Upgrade to Premium Membership to access the Disrupting Burnout audiobook and other bonus content: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1213895/supporters/new
Have you ever felt the liberating power of setting personal boundaries ripple through your life? My own awakening to the necessity of firm boundaries came through a profound transition that reshaped my relationships and career trajectory. This chapter is a deep dive into the stories of transformation, featuring the inspiring journey of Lexi and her evolution from being confined by external expectations to pursuing her own path fiercely. Her narrative, coupled with the wisdom of Leah Valencia Key, demonstrates the remarkable shift that occurs when we take control of our lives with positive affirmations and boundary-setting.
Navigating the complexities of life's demands, I found solace and strength in learning to guard my heart and graciously accept help when needed—a lesson many of us grapple with. We'll walk through the delicate balance of self-care and openness to support, drawing from my personal experiences with family, work-life adjustments, and the essential guidance of my husband, Edward Jackson, and mentor, Dr. Teri Melton. Their strategies for saying no and empowering through delegation are not only practical but essential for anyone looking to reclaim their time and energy for what truly matters.
As we wrap up, the conversation turns to the often-overlooked aspects of emotional well-being and rest. I'll share how reframing our perspective on emotional release—embracing tears as a strength rather than a weakness—can lead to healthier lives. Moreover, we'll explore the various types of rest we must integrate into our routines: Selah, Sabbath, and Sabbatical. Whether it's crafting moments of peace amidst a busy day or setting up a sustainable practice of self-care, this episode is packed with actionable insights to help you honor your needs and cultivate a life of balance and fulfillment.
Upgrade to Premium Membership to access the Disrupting Burnout audiobook and other bonus content: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1213895/supporters/new
Chapter 9, boundaries that Work. When I think about boundaries that work, I think about my client, lexi. I met Lexi a statue-esque, chocolate-skinned woman with a magnetic smile, at a conference where I served as the keynote speaker. I noticed her as soon as she entered the room, and so did many other people. I marveled as colleagues from all over her state flocked to greet her During my speech. I noticed her locked in on every word and I felt her spirit drawing the best out of me. After my speech, lexi came over to greet me and thanked me for my speech. I felt compelled to share with her the brilliance I saw in her, and we shared a precious moment right there in the ballroom. Lexi followed up a few weeks later and became my first one-on-one client. She explained to me how she'd hit a ceiling at her institution, with no upward mobility in sight, and as her 40th birthday approached, she felt pressed to do what she was created to do. However, she wasn't sure what that was or how to do it.
Speaker 1:Lexi had checked all the boxes. She was a good daughter and sister and a phenomenal auntie. She was completing her PhD and had garnered respect in her field and in her state. She was active, with her sorority and dedicated to community service. She had done all the things we learned successes made of, but still felt like something was missing. Through the hard work strategies we explored Lexi's path from childhood to the time of our meeting, identifying evidence of her brilliance along the way. Lexi created new boundaries to support the life she desired to live by excluding the opinions and limitations of others from her decision-making, releasing relationships that no longer served her and taking bold steps towards the life she desired. Lexi decided to live where she wanted to live and pursue professional goals that may or may not be supported by her colleagues. With every new unapologetic step, she gained new freedom. When we first met, lexi had a strong desire to keep our work together private, a preference I often see with educators. People who may consider doing something different with their life often have a fear of judgment or repercussions. With Lexi, that fear didn't last. Before I knew it, she was shining her brilliance all over social media. She also walked away from a long-term relationship, moved into a new home and regained her joy. Lexi is now aligning her professional goals with the personal dreams of her heart and becoming a sought-after transformational speaker. She's creating the life she desires.
Speaker 1:Remember boundaries. That work must be connected to your personal values. Boundaries are often discussed as what we won't do or won't allow in our lives. However, effective boundaries are not limited to what we need to disallow. Your boundaries must protect what means most to you. Sometimes that means adding new action or perspectives to your life. As the watchman on your boundary wall, you may restrict or you may allow. You have authority to remove and you have authority to add. Do not limit the action necessary to protect your values. As you consider what new boundaries you need to apply, I want to share some practical boundaries for you to consider as you read these life lessons. Consider the places in your life where you may need a bit more protection. Watch your mouth. You will have exactly what you say.
Speaker 1:The most powerful catalyst to your transformation is your own words. As you learned in chapter seven when we discussed creating belief, you are living today in the results of words you spoke yesterday. Romans four and 17 teaches us we serve a God who creates something out of nothing through his words, just like in the beginning when he said let there be, and it was. We are admonished to speak our freedom and brilliance into existence. Genesis one, three through 25. Learning to make confessions and alignment with your purpose is the key to your brilliant future. According to Proverbs 18 and 21, the tongue can bring death or life. Those who love to talk will reap the consequences. Your words create your belief systems, because God created our brains to change as we speak. Kobe Campbell, trauma therapist and author of why Am I Like this, explains how the brain is equipped with neuroplasticity, which allows it to change as our beliefs change. Our belief systems are built on neural pathways which are like highways in the brain. As we speak, we create new belief highways. You will have what you say. Kobe explains it this way quote we will believe most intensely what we hear most. End. Quote. Your words have the power to create your future. Use your words to manifest the brilliance God created you to express.
Speaker 1:In my podcast interview with Leah Valencia Key founder and creative force behind Valencia Key jewelry, leah shares how her dream to become the global hair and makeup stylist for the shopping network QVC came to be her reality. She endured several rejections as she pursued the position. She worked odd jobs like sweeping a salon floor, selling department store cosmetics and bartending. In preparation for the dream to come true, leah did everything she could control. She completed cosmetology school, got licensed, swept that office and she was a great designer. She had salon floors so she could learn how to do all types of hair and practice her makeup application skills by selling a national brand in a department store. However, the most powerful thing she did to manifest this dream was to speak it often to everyone. Leah told everyone who would listen that she would one day be the global hair and makeup stylist for QVC. She made this declaration for five or six years, until one night she said it to a customer as she served his drink. She had no idea who the guy was when she said it, but this person connected her to the right people at QVC and those people opened the door for her to audition for the position. And the rest is history.
Speaker 1:Through the power of confession, leah created belief in herself and in the people she spoke the dream to. She was so convinced after several years of confessing the dream that she convinced this stranger to support her and become a reference for her Friend. The power of change is in believing and you will birth belief through confession. You need to say it. Base your confessions in what God says about you. Only say what he says. Trust God more than you trust yourself. Trust him first.
Speaker 1:There's a dangerous movement in culture right now that places self above all. Our culture is becoming self-righteous in the name of self-care. Be careful, friend. Jeremiah 17, verses five through 10. This is what the Lord says. Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their hearts away from the Lord. They are like stunted shrubs in the desert with no hope for the future. They will live in the barren wilderness in an uninhabited salty land. But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a river blank with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green and they never stop producing fruit.
Speaker 1:The human heart is the most deceitful of all things and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is? But I, the Lord, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards according to what their actions deserve. Your plan is unreliable because you cannot see every step in the process. Why wouldn't you believe in the One who created you before you trusted in yourself. The Bible never said you should believe in yourself. Culture teaches that lesson. As a woman of God, you are called to trust and rely wholly on Him. Trusting God above yourself is not about self-deprecation. It's about keeping things in proper order.
Speaker 1:Trusting God first means trusting who he made you to be and trusting the gifts he instilled in you. Refusing to make decisions based on your emotions doesn't mean you have low self-esteem, like a confidence or any inaccurate view of yourself. Trusting God first means you know everything you need is in Him, not up to you, and you make decisions accordingly. There is no fullness of purpose without the God who created you for the purpose. As a daughter of the King. You do not have to strive, fight or beg. Everything you need is in Him.
Speaker 1:Trusting God first means your belief and confidence rests in the flawless God who made you flawlessly. It means the same God who created the heavens and earth made you. The same God who makes no mistakes formed you with His own hands. If God is perfect and he is how would he make a mistake with you? You mean to tell me he perfectly made heaven and earth but made a mistake with you? I don't think so, friend. Relying on our perfect God does not mean your life will be perfect. Perfection isn't possible while we live on this earth, where human beings have free will. However, it does mean a perfect God will cause all imperfections to work in your favor perfectly.
Speaker 1:When you trust God above yourself, the weight of your destiny is not on you but on Him. You don't have to live in anxiety, worrying about messing things up. When you trust Him and confess His Word, his plans manifest in your life. Don't be out here confessing anything that wasn't meant for you. You may get it, but you won't be able to handle it. When you trust God and speak His Word, the outcome is on Him. Your future is secure because you trust God first and repeat what he has already said about you and His Word. Base your confession on the Word of God and watch His plan for you unfold. If you struggle with speaking life to yourself, practice speaking positively while looking at yourself in a mirror. If a mirror feels too awkward, grab a picture of your younger self and speak lovingly to her, thank her for getting you so far and affirm her future to her. You need practice speaking to yourself in the powerful way you speak to others. Give it a try. You will see the growth and beauty positive words can bring.
Speaker 1:I want to pause here just for a moment for a spoonful of PBJ. I need to admit to you that this section that I just read was one that I battled with and almost deleted more than once. The reason why I battled with it is because I don't want you to misunderstand and think that I'm suggesting that you should have low self-esteem or think lowly of yourself or any of those distractions that come to stop us from living fully in brilliance. But at the same time, I believe that there's a slippery slope and many people are falling into it where we esteem ourselves higher than we ought to. We esteem ourselves higher than our God, our Creator, the one who is our sustainer, the one who does speak our life and breathe life into us. So I left it here after much prayer and much consideration, because I think it's important and I believe that it's going to challenge you. It does challenge me, but I want to be very, very clear. This section is not to suggest that you should think lowly of yourself or you should not have confidence in who you are. I'm letting you know that your confidence comes because you can be confident in who made you. When you know who made you, you can help. But be confident because, as I said in this section, if he made everything in this world perfectly and he did then how and why would he mess up on you? He's not capable of making a mistake. All right, let's get to the next boundary Guard your heart, as boundaries are for your protection.
Speaker 1:We need to discuss how you must guard your heart. In Proverbs 4 and 23, king Solomon, considered one of the wisest men to ever live, encouraged us guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. In this scripture, the word heart refers to your soul, the mind, will and emotions. King Solomon's words teach us how what we think impacts every area of our lives. Begin with what you think. Set guards around your thoughts. You cannot control every thought that pops into your head, but you can't control how long you meditate on that thought. You can decide that negative thoughts will be immediately tossed aside and you will spend your time meditating on positive thoughts about yourself and about the world around you. Consider what you feed your mind Garbage in, garbage out. Power in, power out. This is why studying the Bible is so important. The Word of God is alive and it transforms your thoughts as you consume it. Anything you meditate on will transform your thoughts. Use media conversations and self-talk that edifies your mind and spirit. Reject any music, media conversations or entertainment that does not align with your God-given brilliance. Refuse to entertain any thought that does not bring life. It's counterproductive to do this hard work and then entertain input that exalts an opposing idea. Guard your heart by making intentional, positive choices concerning your thoughts. Accept Help.
Speaker 1:In March 2020, when we were sent home to work, it was quite an adjustment for my family. I worked from a makeup table in our bedroom, while my husband worked from the office in our home. Our daughter was sent home from college to study online and our dog was wondering why we were all in her space. I attended Zoom meetings from early morning until late in the evening, trying to figure out how to do our work differently than we had ever done it, while my family often finished their day earlier than I did. Prior to the pandemic, the tradition in our family was that I cooked. I enjoyed cooking and my family enjoys the meals. We all expected this tradition to continue to work until it did not One evening, as I had worked until about 8 o'clock, I emerged from the bedroom to find my loving family sitting on the couch chatting, laughing and watching a movie.
Speaker 1:I asked did y'all eat? We were waiting on you. They replied. Their answer was like an atomic bomb in my head. I lost it. I don't remember what I said, but there are tears, mostly mine. I was so frustrated that they hadn't taken the initiative to handle dinner when they knew my current workload. I felt unloved and unappreciated. They felt confused.
Speaker 1:The truth is, I'm not easy to help. My family didn't think I wanted them to help me. I did all the household tasks while holding a full-time job. They wore me out and made me frustrated, but I never said anything. I got angrier and angrier over time, but I just allowed it to fester. My family had no idea until it came boiling out of me that day. I just couldn't hold it anymore. The extra stress from work and a global pandemic broke the levees of my emotions.
Speaker 1:After I let it all out, my family explained they had no idea. I desired their help. They assumed I preferred to do it myself, and for good reason. I made them believe I preferred to do it myself. Any time they helped, I critiqued, tried to manage every step or just took over. The truth was I wanted help, I needed help, but my controlling nature blocked me from the help I so desperately needed. That day I decided I wanted rest more than I wanted to be right all the time. Together we created a new standard. They agreed to jump in on housework and to take care of dinner. If I hadn't finished working by 5.30pm, I agreed to just say thank you, no matter what dinner they chose or whether the chore was done to my standard. I was willing to be grateful. That boundary helped us through our teleworking experience and encouraged me to establish boundaries in other areas of my life. So I created a boundary that I'm willing to accept help.
Speaker 1:I am a proud, strong, independent woman. Some may call me stubborn, but let's disagree on. Independent Helpers don't always receive help. Well, you may prefer to suffer through a situation before making your need for help known. The truth is, all of us could use a little help every now and then. Accepting help does not make you weak or needy. It means you are wise enough to know your limits. It means you have chosen peace over pride.
Speaker 1:I must admit I struggled to accept help due to stories I still carry for my childhood. As a young child I watched my family members clean houses for work. A couple of times when I couldn't go to school, my favorite aunt took me with her to clean the house of a prominent woman in our town. Although the family was kind to and appreciative of my aunt, something in me didn't like that she had to do this for work. I could not imagine having the responsibilities of cleaning my own house and someone else's house too. At 5 or 6 years old it didn't seem fair to me that my aunt had to clean the houses of able-bodied folks. I grew up in a very small community with traditional values that dictated a good woman took care of her own home. What kind of lazy woman couldn't even clean her own house? That's what I thought back then, before I had my own house and many responsibilities.
Speaker 1:Auntie eventually completed her degree and moved on to do the work of her heart in early childhood education, but those experiences stuck with me. I worked my tail off in school to give myself career choices. I was determined to do what I wanted to do instead of what I had to do. When my life got so full that things were falling off my plate. I couldn't bring myself to hire help for my home. My story was I didn't want to treat those folks like people treated my aunt. Now remember I said the people Auntie worked for were very kind, but in my young mind they were lazy and unfair to her. Since I didn't want to be lazy or unfair, when I needed help I did not seek it. I didn't want to put my responsibilities on another person.
Speaker 1:I didn't release this story until I heard a professional woman I admire speaking about seeking help. She described how the woman who assisted her in her home ran a small business giving jobs to women who could make their own hours. My mind shifted. Instead of being unfair, maybe accepting help could be empowering to another person. I could support a woman owned small business while getting the relief I so desperately needed. I interviewed several women and chose the person I felt was the best fit for our home. I learned I didn't have to do it all myself to be a good woman. Just because it's my responsibility doesn't mean I personally have to do it.
Speaker 1:Seeking help has freed me to pursue brilliance and allowed me to bless so many people who have supported me along the way. You can find help in technology, services and the people around you. I invest in technology ranging from robot vacuum cleaners to Wi-Fi enabled crock pot. Yes, friend, my crock pot has Wi-Fi. I utilize a variety of services, including house cleaning, meal prep and grocery delivery. I also invite family, friends and experts to support me in my ministry, business and personal life. In many cases I could do it myself, but why should I? Old mindsets like a good woman keeps her own home come up every now and then, but I've learned to silence that voice. Seeking help has freed my time and attention and allowed me to accomplish things only I can do, like writing this book, like reading it to you right now and spending quality time with my husband. Consider how much time you could reclaim if you invited help into your life.
Speaker 1:Do not allow money to be a barrier. Some of these services cost money and you should invest if you can. But if you don't have the means right now, there are still people in your life who want to help you. You will be amazed how help will find you if you just state your need, tell a friend, share with a small group at church. If you're willing to state the need, god is loving enough to send the support, ask for help. Friend, I want to pause here for a moment to mention one thing. My challenge to you is do the research. I think you'll be shocked at how affordable some of this help is, from laundry services to house cleaning to meal prepping. I know that women who are professionals often have domestic responsibilities as well and very often are the only people who carry those domestic responsibilities in their household. Friend, you can get help and you don't assume that you can't afford it. Do the research and know for sure. Alright, let's keep going.
Speaker 1:Can we talk about delegating at work for a minute? As I was promoted through leadership, I found I had a hard time delegating to my team. It seemed easier to do it myself and I never wanted to put too much pressure on my staff. I wanted to carry all the pressure while taking care of them. Well, we all know how that approach turned out. Do you remember the kid in school who did the whole group project alone because they didn't trust their group mates to get it done? Are you that kid? Did you find yourself doing the same thing at work today? It's just easier to do it all yourself until it all becomes too much that I can do it myself. Mentality was cool before you got married, had children or were promoted to lead several teams, several departments and several projects.
Speaker 1:At this level, trying to do it all yourself is detrimental. You may be holding up the progress of the entire team because you're trying to do it alone. Consider this People want to help. They want to grow. Many colleagues are honored when you trust them enough to give them a major task.
Speaker 1:The boundary of delegation is one I have truly honed in my professional life. It's time to learn to delegate. Yes, I said learn, because this may not come naturally to you. Delegation is an investment, just like a financial investment, it may not immediately pay large dividends. Delegation requires dedicating time and energy on the front end to teach people your standard. Invest in the person and the work enough to give them the information and the tools they need to succeed. If you do this well, it will pay off tremendously in due time. Investing in your people first garner's loyalty, not just to the organization but also to you, the leader. We're not talking manipulation here. Invest in a genuine way that says you matter to me and I want the best for you.
Speaker 1:When you delegate, make sure you communicate your needs and expectations. Clearly, you are so good at carrying your heavy load that you make it all look too easy. You look like you have it all together, but the truth is you could really use some help. You really need someone to take something off your plate. You may be frustrated that people around you don't offer help, but, friend, you don't look like you need help. You're so focused on making it all work that you don't leave room for anyone to support you. I encourage you to say it. Say it to the people in your household, say it to the people you work with. Be specific about how people can help you, but also leave room for them to do it their way. No micromanaging, no expectation of perfection. Just accept the help.
Speaker 1:Every now and then, consider relaxing the standard and allow peace to be the priority of the moment. There are people in your life who love you enough to help you. Others want to learn from you enough to take something off your plate. Make room for others to help you. State your needs and accept the help. The power of no this one goes out to all my people pleasers. You are my people. I get you. You're a nurturer. Lots of people depend on you, you feel purpose in taking care of others. That is, until you have taken on too much. At that point, you need a rock to hide behind because you hate going back on your word. You may prefer to try to do it all at whatever expense instead of saying no.
Speaker 1:My need to please has caused me several relationships in my life. I've led people to believe I would always be there wherever and whenever they needed me. When I made the promise, I really meant it. However, I often failed to count the cost of every yes. Before I knew it, I was over committed again. This challenge finally caused me to analyze my role in relationships. I love hard and I take care of people. I'm a nurturer and I'm good at it. I make people feel cared for and safe, but I had to come to terms with the fact that my nurturing nature may be more about me than I like to admit. As I shared in chapter 7, my heart believes all these people need me, but the truth of the matter is I have a need to be needed. It caused me to create expectations that ultimately, I was unable to fulfill, often leading to a broken relationship. My natural response is to hide in shame in those situations, but I'm training myself to prevent this scenario by being extremely honest and selective about my commitments.
Speaker 1:A few years ago, during a conversation about family responsibilities, my friend Dorsey shared one line I have never forgotten. She said Patrice, I'm learning to say no so I can have better yeses. That statement struck me like a lightning bolt. Not long after this conversation, dorsey resigned her position and went home to take care of her babies. Her resignation fueled mixed emotions for me, as I was her supervisor at the time, but I could not help but applaud her courage. She had a newborn and two older children who needed her time.
Speaker 1:Sometimes we must give up a good yes to enjoy a great yes. We get so caught up with the fear of missing out on what could be that we lose sight of what is right now. I encourage you to learn how to say no to have a better yes. Since saying no doesn't come easy, I encourage you to implement some safeguards for yourself. These safeguards will protect you from over commitment and assist you in preserving relationships. Remember, you are not obligated to give an immediate answer to a request. Your first answer, without counting the cost, may naturally be yes. Layer in some time to consider your calendar and your other commitments prior to giving an answer. Instead of saying yes, your response might be thanks so much for considering me. What's your deadline for an answer? This allows you to plan and practice how to say no if no is the best answer.
Speaker 1:Saying no does not have to be aggressive or traumatic. Consider the following ways of saying no. I'm so sorry I'm not available this time. That's not something I do well, but have you considered insert name a person who's talented in the required area? That's just not a good fit for me, but I hope things come together well. Please select someone who can give this project the time it deserves. My calendar won't allow it at this time. You know that sounds like so much fun, but I won't make it this time. As a final suggestion try to say no. You're not always obligated to give a reason. No is a complete statement on its own. Honesty is love friend. People prefer truth even when the answer doesn't align with their preference. Try one of these ways of giving this powerful response and enjoy the rewards of time to do other things.
Speaker 1:Another technique I've found effective in helping me say no is strong accountability, and its name is Edward Jackson. My husband is not a person who has trouble saying no. As a matter of fact, edward has a no anointing. While my default is yes, his default is a firm no. There is some real balance there, friends. My husband is especially sharp at saying no when it comes to commitments of time. Don't get me wrong. He trusts my judgment and will ultimately support whatever I decide in most cases, but he makes his concerns known and helps me see all sides of the situation.
Speaker 1:Edward has seen what happens to me when I over commit. He's familiar with the anxiety and stress that result when I take on too much. He has seen my struggle and stands beside me when I suffer because of overwhelm. So his input matters. He's critical of every request that comes my way. He allows me to be me, but he loves me enough to encourage me to think critically before committing to one more person, project or invitation. I'm grateful for his accountability Sacrifice. We cannot talk about boundaries without talking about sacrifice.
Speaker 1:Let's go back to 2012. I completed my coursework for my doctorate degree that year, but I didn't graduate until 2016. Yes, friend, four years later. If you're doing the math, you're correct. It took me seven whole years to complete a four-year doctoral program. The first three years went by easily, but when the blessings of 2012 hit, school was one of the things I allowed to slip. I stopped writing. I used my family as an excuse. I used my job as an excuse. I was convinced these were very good excuses and I reached a point where I considered just dropping out of school. We only get a certain number of years to complete the degree, and I had almost reached the deadline.
Speaker 1:Everything turned around for me when my lead professor, dr Terry Melton, got a hold of me. I had been avoiding her, so she came to my house. This woman came to my door unannounced, sat at my dining room table, looked me in my eyes and challenged the thought that I no longer wanted to degree. She got me all the way together. She helped me create an action plan and she also invited me to speak on a panel for incoming doctoral candidates. I was confused. Don't you want the new candidates to be excited about this journey? Don't you need examples of people excelling in the program, not people like me who are bringing the graduation rate down? I say yes, of course. Any woman who will show up at your house to get your attention is convincing. After speaking on the panel, I realized she asked me to attend for me, not for the audience.
Speaker 1:I heard so many stories of people who had good excuses to quit. Many people on the panel had several small children at home. One person was recovering from cancer and another was enduring a dangerous pregnancy. Someone else was caring for elderly parents. When it was my turn, I shared how demanding my job was, but I had to admit in front of the crowd that my biggest hurdle was my own self-sabotage. I had convinced myself I was not a writer and my life was too full to do this right now. That panel taught me everyone has a story. The difference maker is what they're willing to do about it.
Speaker 1:Afterwards I got my budding gear and I graduated one year later. I took on a make-no-excuses attitude and got it done. It took me one year to accomplish something I ran from for three years. I began to make sacrifices instead of making excuses. I had a meeting with my family where I solicited their prayer, support and investment. They took on extra chores and gave me grace to spend extensive amounts of time away from them. To get this done, I gave up TV and social events for some time and turned my phone off during writing sessions. I dedicated a space in the back of the house as my writing space, so I wouldn't be distracted by anything or anyone. I sacrificed sleep on occasion and even took days off from work to get writing done. I became accountable to my faculty members and I stopped meditating on negative thoughts. I couldn't afford it. Even in the midst of feeling not enough, I did it anyway and I got it done. In December 2016, I crossed the stage in front of a roaring crowd as one of my greatest friends, dr Ramona Lawrence, proclaimed my new name, dr Patrice Buckner Jackson, and Dr Terry Melton placed my doctoral hood around my neck. My victory was a victory for many, but it could not have happened without sacrifice.
Speaker 1:Choose the priority of the moment. Remember our example of carrying all the dumbbell weights in the work-life balance section of Chapter 3? Instead of carrying all your weight at the same time, consider how holding one weight at a time might lighten your load. I call this method choosing the priority of the moment. Please note, I specifically said priority of the moment because priorities change quickly and you need to be ready to pivot. As an example, at this current moment, the weight I'm carrying is reading this book to you. I find purpose in sharing these life lessons that have served me and my clients so well over the years. All my other weights or responsibilities are resting at my feet until this reading session is complete. Right now, I am still Edward's wife and baby girl's mom of Patrice. I still have work responsibilities, a team I lead and clients I serve. However, this moment is dedicated to you. You are my priority of the moment. Therefore, I'm giving my full attention and full heart to this work. Right now, when this reading session is over, I will save the document, shut down my computer and move on to family time. I will put my author weight down and pick up my wife weight. Then, at some point later this evening, I'll lay all my weights down to get a good night's rest. You see, the key to getting it all done is less about carrying all your weight at the same time and more about knowing how to make the exchange.
Speaker 1:If you're at work, keep your mind and emotions at work. This is the only way to ensure you're giving your best. If your work day is interrupted by a family emergency, lay that work weight down and respond to the needs of your family. Do not allow yourself to feel guilty about making the exchange. Guilt is a hindrance that produces nothing. If you give your best during the time you are at work, you have no reason to wallow in guilt for exchanging your work weight for your family weight or even for your self-care weight. To give adequate care and attention to all your responsibilities, you must give yourself permission to make the exchange.
Speaker 1:Allow time and place to be your guide If you are at work. Be fully at work. Keep your focus at work. This may mean having a conversation with your family and friends about work boundaries. Help them understand what you need to minimize distractions at work so you can get things done and be free to enjoy them when you are at home. When you get home, make good on that promise. Be wholly at home. This may mean resisting work email through the evening or setting boundaries with colleagues about the types of calls you will accept after hours. Communication is key. People appreciate knowing the boundaries and those closest to you usually love you enough to respect them. The people who are bothered by your boundaries are the people you need them for most.
Speaker 1:Let it fall. We discussed earlier how your people may not offer support to you because you never look like you need support. You do everything in your power to make things work, even if that effort is killing you. You make yourself the sacrificial lamb while frustration bruises in your heart. Friends, sometimes you need to let it fall, let it fail. Maybe you need to allow the project to fail so your company can see it was never appropriately funded. Maybe you need to allow the laundry to pile up for your family members to notice you've been taking care of it alone for too long. Maybe you need to allow your teenager to learn the hard way, instead of exhausting your emotional and physical strength to save them from themselves. Friend, I know it's hard to hear, but every now and then you need to let it fall. When you have said what you can say and exhausted attempts at convincing, maybe people need to see for themselves.
Speaker 1:If you find yourself feeling misused and unappreciated, I challenge you to consider what you have taught people around you. People will treat you how you train them to treat you. If you always say yes, your people have learned to ask you first. If you never ask for help, your people have learned you don't need their help. If you always save the day, your people will expect you to put your cape on and get to work. What have you taught the people around you to expect from you? If everyone in your life depends on you, maybe you need to step back just enough for them to catch the slack. What would happen if you stepped away for a bit? What would the people around you learn if you took your hands off the project? What if you were not the one to volunteer this time? What if you decided not to take one for the team this time? What if you allowed the awkward silence until someone else stepped up? What if you gave a gracious no, making room for others to finally say yes?
Speaker 1:Every now and then you need to let it fall, release the emotion. Sometimes you just need to cry. How often have you tried to hold it together while your heart feels like it's about to explode? So many of us grew up in spaces where we learned crying was wrong or showed weakness. We were taught only babies cry and beyond a certain age, tears are unacceptable. Statements like keep crying and I'm gonna give you something to cry about taught us to hold back tears. In your adult life. People can get uncomfortable when they don't know how to hold space for your tears. You learn to keep them in or keep them to yourself.
Speaker 1:Friend, god gave us a natural emotional release valve. He understood this life would be heavy sometimes, so in his infinite wisdom, he gave us a way to release. You need to cry. Emotions are meant to be expressed like a pot of water on the stove it may look like nothing is happening on the surface, but if you leave it on the fire long enough, it will boil over until it is empty and burned. How many times have you blown up on the wrong person because you were carrying unexpressed emotions? You are a human being with real emotions. The full spectrum of emotions is a consequence of a full life. Create a boundary that you will safely express your emotions as needed, without holding back. Now, friend, don't pull the waiting to exhale and set the place on fire. I said safely. Identify a space and a person where you can safely release the valve. Prayer is a safe place. Find a good friend who has the capacity to honor your tears. Go to therapy. I know I said it before, but I will keep saying it you need a place where you can release without concern for the feelings of the other person. Counseling is that place for many of us, the side that you will allow your heart to speak.
Speaker 1:Cry when you need to cry. Friend, here's a spoonful of PBJ. It never fails at my workshops, at my speeches. These are all professional environments where people either come to me in full tears or someone comes to say I don't know why I feel like crying. And my response is always the same because, friend, you need to cry. Your body will tell you when you need to cry. And we've been taught to withhold, hold it back, hold it in, keep it in, don't do it. And the more you hold it in, the worse it's going to be. And it's got to come out somewhere. If you don't allow the tears to flow, then blood pressure will show it, then migraine will show it, then tense muscles will show it, then an upset stomach will show it, then blowing up at your family will show it. It's got to come out one way or another. Friend, you need to cry and it's okay to release it and let it go. Let's keep going.
Speaker 1:Create margin for rest. You need a margin for rest. A margin is the border or boundary nothing should cross Like the margin of lined paper. All the details should be inside the margin and the space beyond the margin should be blank. You need blank time when nothing is scheduled and your soul can rest.
Speaker 1:When I mentioned rest, most of my clients fall back on I don't have time to rest. Friend, you do not wait on time to rest, you create time to rest. Rest is not a reward, rest is a requirement. There are three types of rest you should implement Sela, sabbath and sabbatical. You find the word Sela throughout the book of Psalms A technical term from music. It means to stop and think about what was just spoken. It also means pause, interrupt, rest or silence. The Bible uses this term to encourage you to be thoughtful as you reflect on the Psalms. I use the term to describe the type of rest you need daily.
Speaker 1:Sela rest is taking three to 30 minutes throughout your day to get some fresh air, take a walk, breathe, pray or just be silent. You may think you can only rest if you're on a tropical island, somewhere drinking. Whatever you choose, friend, that's your business. But I'm here to tell you it's possible for you to recover your rest even in the midst of crazy work days. Schedule in your Sela time. You plan everything else that's important to you. Plan your rest. Give yourself some cushion between meetings. Schedule 30 minutes of Sela, before a tough meeting, use your lunchtime to recharge instead of checking email. Get away from your desk and get outside. Feel the breeze on your cheek, breathe fresh air. My sister friend, jamika Richardson, would tell you to get some car therapy. Go to your car, turn on soothing music, lay the seat back and just be. Take 10 minutes during the work day or 15 minutes in your driveway and allow your car to be your refuge. Use small chunks of time throughout your day to engage your vagus nerve and bring calm to your spirit. You'll return more productive and creative after a small amount of intentional rest. You also need Sabbath rest.
Speaker 1:Sabbath refers to a day set aside for rest and recovery. The term means to cease and assist or to rest. You need one day per week set aside for rest, worship and play, one day away from the email, one day away from responsibilities, one day away from the news cycles and the troubles of the world. You need one day to reboot your system after the stress of an entire week. To learn more about the power of Sabbath, I encourage you to read the Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer and Obedience Over Hustle by Melinda Fuller. As a result of these books, my family and I take at least one day per week to rest, worship and play. This worship is not about serving at church either. Friend.
Speaker 1:For folks who serve in ministry, your church day is not your rest day. You need a day apart from your obligations at work, church and in the community, just to commune with God and with your immediate family members. Go on a hike, enjoy ice cream, dive into a swimming pool, dance, put all of your tech away and just be for one day. Finally, you need sabbatical rest. The word sabbatical is related to the word Sabbath. It also means rest. This term is often used in academic settings when faculty members travel away from their home institution for the sake of research. This time away offers them an opportunity to focus on their research interest without the normal competing priorities of teaching and institutional service.
Speaker 1:Sabbatical rest is a break or change from your routine. In her Forbes article, the Untold Value of a Professional Sabbatical, tamara Schwarting writes, quote the purpose of a sabbatical is to give an employee a chance to step back from their role at work and focus on personal enrichment and professional development. End quote. When was the last time you stepped away for personal enrichment and professional development? As a young leader, I made the mistake of dedicating all the professional development money to my team members while I stayed on campus to cover for them. Although noble, this was not a wise leadership decision. After a long hiatus from traveling, I finally took an opportunity to present at a conference. Returning from the conference refreshed and renewed, I vowed I would never delay my own professional development that long again.
Speaker 1:Friend, sabbatical rest creates separation between you and your normal environment. Getting away allows your mind to rest and gives you a fresh perspective on your projects, goals and challenges. Just taking a day off is not the same as sabbatical Sitting at home. You may still be surrounded by your responsibilities, you may not be working, but you're still grinding in your head thinking about all the things you should be doing. A physical separation gives you permission to temporarily leave it all behind If your employer doesn't offer official sabbatical leave for your role. Find ways to take a week or more away. Take a cruise and don't pay for the internet package. Attend a personal development conference where you have no responsibilities. Go on a wellness retreat. Have a staycation at a local hotel or act like a tourist in your own city. Participate in a virtual retreat, but connect to the meeting from a local hotel lobby or co-working space. Go to a ministry conference where no one knows who you are or what you do. Get out of your normal environment for more than one day to recharge and refuel, reclaim your time.
Speaker 1:In her book Overwhelmed Work, love and Play when no One has the Time, bridget Shulte introduces the term time confetti. Shulte describes time confetti as the act of losing volumes of time. Second by second, shulte explains how our time escapes us in bite-sized increments. One quick email or a two-minute scroll multiplied by several times a day equates to losing several precious minutes of time per day to mindless, useless activity. As we all proclaim, we don't have time for self-care or other important things. Somehow we find time to waste during our days. It seems innocent enough one minute here or five minutes there, but before you know it, thirty minutes to an hour has passed and your mind is more cluttered than it was before you wandered off.
Speaker 1:Reclaim your time. Gather the two-minute and five-minute increments back to you and repurpose them for good. Use that time for your say-la rest. How refreshed would you be if you took twelve minutes a day to walk outdoors instead of doom scrolling through your phone. Not only would you protect yourself from more bad news, but you would also add some body movement, fresh air and a small break from looking at screens. You don't need large chunks of time to recover. Take your time scraps and put them together to create a good moment of reprieve in your day. No one can create more time, but everyone can become a better steward of the time we have.
Speaker 1:Friend, these boundaries work for me, but you need boundaries specifically suited for your life. Use these suggestions as a starting place to determine what boundaries you need. Building walls around your soul protects the brilliance God created in you. Do not roam around vulnerable. Do not wait for someone else to provide your protection. You are your first advocate. Protect what means most to you by building boundaries that work. Do the hard work. Test your boundaries. Number one choose one boundary from this chapter that connects to your values. Decide how you will implement the boundary in your life. Number two test that new boundary for one week. Note what worked about the boundary and what did not work. Number three revise your action plan and test that same boundary again the next week. Number four tweak and change until you feel adequately protected in that area of your life.