Disrupting Burnout
Disrupting Burnout with Dr. Patrice Buckner Jackson is dedicated to overworked, undervalued high-achieving servant leaders who give all to serve others and leave very little for yourself. You are an accomplished woman with many responsibilities and you often find yourself overwhelmed, exhausted, and burned out. I’ve been there. As a matter of fact, burnout almost cost me everything. Compassionate work can carry a high price tag: your mind, body, spirit and relationships may be in distress as you serve the needs of others. I am here to equip your hands and refresh your heart so you can serve in purpose and fulfillment and permanently break cycles of burnout.
Disrupting Burnout
124. Master the Art of Conflict
Hey Friend,
What if becoming comfortable with conflict could revolutionize your approach to leadership and enrich your personal relationships? In this week’s episode, “Master the Art of Conflict” I, Dr. Patrice Buckner Jackson, share my personal evolution from discomfort with conflict to embracing it as a vital component of effective leadership and mature adult life.
We start by redefining conflict as a clash of opposing needs and dive into an enlightening workshop activity that helps us identify our instinctive responses to conflict. This episode will challenge you to adapt and manage conflicts more effectively by understanding the three distinct conflict styles: the assertive shark, the avoiding turtle, and the collaborative teddy bear. Each style has its strengths and challenges, and knowing yours can significantly enhance your interactions both at work and at home.
We also tackle leadership in crisis situations, discussing the need for decisive action during emergencies and finding the right balance between being a commanding leader in crises and a cooperative one in regular times. I share vivid analogies and real-life scenarios to illustrate these points effectively.
As we conclude, you’ll learn actionable strategies for conflict resolution—knowing when to address, avoid, or delegate conflicts and the importance of collaboration in building trust and strong relationships.
Tune in to gain invaluable insights into mastering conflict management and enhancing your leadership skills.
Love Always,
PBJ
P.S. Join us in celebrating a significant community milestone—25,000 downloads! We are just 3% from hitting our goal of 25,000 downloads. Be sure to subscribe to our weekly newsletter at https://www.patricebucknerjackson.com/ in order to be eligible to win one of our celebration prizes after we hit the goal.
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Friend, how comfortable are you dealing with conflict? Are you the type of person who is get in there, get after it, take care of the problem, or are you the type of person who wants to hide away, run away from it, let somebody else deal with it? Are you the can we all get along kind of person? Regardless of how you approach it, it is time for us to learn how to deal with conflict. Hey, friend, I'm dr patrice buckner jackson, but you can call me pbj. Welcome to another episode of disrupting burnout, where we are giving you the strategies to pour out purpose without burnout.
Speaker 1:And I'm going to start with a disclaimer. I'm just going to go ahead and say it I am not comfortable with conflict. I do not enjoy having to address situations where there's disagreement, discomfort, everybody's not happy. However, I have learned that it is a responsibility of a leader, it is a responsibility of an adult, it is a responsibility of a good person to know how to handle conflict. So I came to share with you today what I've learned about getting comfortable with conflict. And I think it's important that we define it, because when we hear the word conflict, we automatically think about a fight or strife or like it has to be something ugly. And even when I do a quick Google search of the word, that's the kind of connotation that comes across right. But when you look at the origin of the word, it comes from a Latin word, conflictus, which means to strike together. Now it's possible that strike together doesn't necessarily have to be a fight. What I've found in most conflicts, either personal or professional, there are needs that are striking together. There may be needs of two people, needs of a group, several needs, but those needs are opposing each other and striking together. It doesn't necessarily mean that the people are striking against each other, but the needs are striking together. And what I've observed and what I've learned is if we can identify the striking needs, if we can get to the point that we can evict the emotion and identify the striking needs, then we can be more successful and more effective in addressing the actual conflict.
Speaker 1:If you have been in a conflict workshop with me, you know I do this exercise where I stand in the middle of the room and I say I am conflict. Whatever kind of conflict you want to think of, I am conflict, and I instruct folks to position themselves in the room, position themselves according to their comfort zone in dealing with conflict. So I encourage them to think about distance how close or how far away from the conflict do you want to be? I encourage them to think about body posture and body positioning, whether they're facing the conflict or whether they've turned their back on the conflict.
Speaker 1:Y'all this thing is so hilarious to me. It's so much fun every time we do it, because there are always people who are right up in my face. Like as soon as I say go, there are some people who are going to bum rush me and be right there in the thick of it. Sometimes people have locked arms with me, sometimes people have been nose to nose with me, like some people are all in it. And every single time there are people who leave the room. There are people who stand outside the door to say y'all can have it, I am out, I don't want nothing to do with this, let somebody else do it, I'm out, I don't want nothing to do with this, let somebody else do it, I'm out, right. And then there are people all in the middle. You know, I've seen people hide. So if there are banners or tables or other things in the room, I've seen people crouch behind tables or stand behind a banner so that they cannot be seen.
Speaker 1:And I appreciate this activity because the point is not to say you're wrong about whatever your natural bend is towards conflict. The point is to encourage everyone in the room to identify what their natural bend is and to acknowledge that there are times where they may need to bend outside of their natural response in order to appropriately deal with the conflict. So this conversation is not to tell you you're wrong about how you naturally feel, but it is to say, friend, it's time for us to get comfortable with how we need to deal with conflict. I love this community because you all show up and show out. Friend, we are 97% towards our goal of 25,000 downloads of this podcast. As soon as we hit the goal, as soon as we hit it, I am going into our email list and I am going to pull three names from my email list of people who will win a one-on-one, one-hour coaching session with me. Friend, listen, I cannot wait to support you. Let's keep going. Listen to this episode, share it with a friend. We are 90,. We got 3% left, 3%, friend, and we have hit this goal. I cannot wait to celebrate with you and I cannot wait to support you. Be sure that you are subscribed to the newsletter, patricebucknerjacksoncom, and click subscribe patricebucknerjacksoncom, click subscribe. Let's celebrate, friend.
Speaker 1:So the first thing we need to do to get comfortable with conflict is to identify your conflict style. So if you were standing in a room with me and I am standing in the middle of the room where would you position yourself concerning your true, natural approach to conflict? Think about the last disagreement that you had with a loved one. What was your response or your approach to that conflict. Are you one of the people who rapid fire immediately right up in my space, all up in the conflict, head on, nose to nose? Are you one of the people who are hiding behind the table or left the whole room? Are you somewhere in the middle? You need to recognize your conflict style and there are some really good assessments out there that will help you do that.
Speaker 1:I've seen conflict styles categorized in this way. So these are not my ideas, but I guess we'll call it that Some conflict style avatars. I've seen the shark. Right, the shark is the get after it, go after it. Take. No prisoners win on my side always, no matter what kind of approach, the sharks are the people who jump right in. I mean you are right in there, right in the space of the conflict, right in the middle of it, taking care of it. Right, take no prisoners, get it done, kind of thing.
Speaker 1:Now, when I say shark, I don't mean that you're always mean, maybe sometimes, but it doesn't necessarily mean that you are abrasive in doing it, but you're quick. You're quick in taking care of the response or of the conflict and you resolve it Like you bring it to an end, you shut it down, whatever the conflict is. So if you are a shark style, you get after it, you go for it, you handle it. You get after it, you go for it, you handle it. Now, the good thing about the shark style is people can depend on you to handle it. People know that if something comes up, you're going to take care of it. So you become the problem solver. That can be good for other people and that can be detrimental to you. Honestly, if you are always the problem solver, the challenge is that other people don't always get a chance to think through, they don't always get a chance to step up, to be the conflict manager because you're always taking care of it and, of course, also the overburden that will lay on your shoulders if you're always the one who's resolving the conflict so quickly.
Speaker 1:The second avatar that I've seen is the turtle. Hide your head, get inside that shell, run away. Hide behind the table, leave the room. I don't want anything to do with it. You can have it Right. And a lot of times the hideaway people are my people pleasers. We want everybody to be happy, let's all just get along, kind of thing.
Speaker 1:Now, there are benefits. There are benefits here for the folks who avoid the conflict. They don't often. They won't make the conflict worse, necessarily. Let me take that back, because sometimes if you are the leader in charge and you're supposed to address it and you hide your head, it did just get worse. So let's go back on that. But what I'm saying is they're not there to stir the pot. They make space for other people to step up, and there are times where you should avoid, and we're going to talk about that in a bit. But of course, the challenge with the turtle is that if you are the leader in charge, if you are in the space and in the moment where the conflict needs to be handled and you're refusing to do it, you're hiding away from it, then everybody suffers. Everybody suffers because they have to continue in the conflict or allow the conflict to get worse.
Speaker 1:And then the third avatar I'll share with you today is the teddy bear, and the teddy bear is the. Can we all just get along? Where's the win-win in this situation? Where is the place that we can collaborate to bring some resolution to this conflict? Of course the benefits are the teddy bears often see the needs on both sides and work hard to address all needs on all sides.
Speaker 1:Some of the challenges of the teddy bear approach is that it takes time. So the teddy bear approach is not quick. Normally it's not a quick close or a quick resolution to the conflict. Now, if it works out, you have buy-in because everyone feels like they've been considered. But the teddy bear approach takes time and it takes effort to get there and we don't always have that time. So the first step is to recognize your conflict style.
Speaker 1:Secondly, I want to talk to you about how to know if you need to address the conflict. So again, knowing your style just allows you to recognize what your comfort zone is and know when it's time to stretch outside of that comfort zone, to be an appropriate leader to be and whether that's a leader in your home or a leader in your profession or a committee that you're on knowing your comfort zone and recognizing when it's appropriate to stretch outside of that comfort zone. That's how you get comfortable with conflict. That's how you appropriately address conflict. You don't have to change your personality or who you are. You don't have to change your heart, but you do have to recognize when your comfort zone is standing in the way of you being effective and the most positive outcomes right. So let's talk about how to know if you need to address a conflict. So, first of all, let's talk about when you need to address the conflict head on. So when you need to stretch into being a shark or when it's most appropriate to be a shark.
Speaker 1:I think you need to take control when you're facing crisis and you're the authority in that crisis. I'll give you this example. So if you're a parent and a toddler, your toddler is running into the street, or any toddler is running into the street. I don't think that's the time to say, jimmy, can we talk about this? No, you're going to run, grab Jimmy and get Jimmy out of the way. I don't know why his name is Jimmy? I don't know, friend, don't ask me. Jimmy is what came to my heart? Okay, so you're going to run into the street, you're going to grab Jimmy and you're going to pull Jimmy back to safety. That is not the time to collaborate. That is not the time to see how Jimmy feels. That is not the time to think about hurting Jimmy's feelings. That is the time to pull Jimmy back to safety, right? So let's take it to professional.
Speaker 1:When I was on campus, we dealt with many student crises, right. So many years of my career, from being the student conduct person to being the dean of students, to vice president, associate vice president I was often in the position of responding to student crisis and this could range, you know from you know I've dealt with well, I don't want to say too much. I almost gave y'all an example. I'm like Lord I mean you can Google some of it but different levels of crisis, from from structure and building crisis to violations of law, to mental health crisis, to suicide ideation and even death by suicide, we anything that happens in a community like a town or a city, you can find it on a college campus. It's just the truth. So we dealt with a number of crisis situations and as the leader in those situations, when we were in the midst of it now, not often ongoing, but when we were in the midst of it.
Speaker 1:That was not a time necessarily for me to pull my team together and say friends, what do you think we should do right now? That was the time for me to step up, delegate, give assignments, be clear, be direct. As I describe this, I think of my friend, chief Laura McCullough. She is the chief of police at a university where I served for a long time and Chief McCullough is very clear in what she needs folks to do. When she needs them to do it, she gives those instructions and they do it. There's a respect for her authority and it doesn't matter who she's telling when we're in the midst of crisis, whether you are one of her officers or you're someone else on campus, when Chief McCullough gives you a directive and we're in the midst of crisis, you do what she tells you to do and she stands in that position, because that is what we need her to be in the midst of a crisis.
Speaker 1:So that is not the time to be building relationships. That's not the time to be collaborating and teamwork and putting it all on the whiteboard. That is the time to get it done, and what I've found is for leaders who can't step up in those moments, leaders who don't step up and give the directives. In those moments you lose trust. Your folks have a hard time trusting you because you did not know how to support them in the most critical times. So there are times where you need to be the shark and address it head on. It doesn't have to be ugly. You don't have to yell at people or disrespect them, but you can firmly, kindly, clearly and directly tell people what they need to do and get them to do it when you're in the midst of crisis.
Speaker 1:Another situation that I think of is when standards or requirements are at stake. So in education, we have so many requirements and standards from the federal government, from our state government, and directives that we have to honor, and if we fail, our failure to honor these standards will jeopardize our ability to continue educating our students. It may jeopardize our funding. It is critically important that we honor the standards of our accreditation, of our state, of our federal government. When a standard is at stake, that is not time to collaborate, that is not time to build relationship, that is not time to help people feel better about themselves. That's the time to be direct and be clear. That is the time to lead in a way where people know exactly what's expected and they know exactly what they need to do.
Speaker 1:So there are times where you need to show up as the shark. Now, in order to effectively show up as the shark, you need to be building relationship on a normal basis so you have enough relational capital when the crisis comes. Listen, friend, every day is not a crisis. Listen to me, every day is not a crisis. If you're showing up as the shark every day, you're building a wall between you and your people. You're teaching them that you don't trust them to do what they've been hired to do, and that's why you do it yourself. So the shark I almost said the shark attack, but we're not talking about attack.
Speaker 1:The shark approach is not the most appropriate approach to conflict every day. To give you a simple example so let's say you have a toddler who spilled their orange juice on the floor right. So the needs and conflict are a toddler who's learning how to use their body and use their muscles and hold on to things, versus, maybe, a parent who is overwhelmed and overworked and does not need one more thing to clean, right. So we've got needs that are in conflict, needs that are in conflict. That is not the time to be the shark and make the toddler feel worse about something they didn't intend to do and something their little body is learning how to do. Better right. There's a better approach to that conflict than showing up as a shark and yelling or punishing for something of that nature. I know that's super simple, but I just want you to consider that everything is not a crisis. Everything doesn't call for the shark approach.
Speaker 1:There are some scenarios where you need to show up as a shark, as the leader, as the authority, as the advocate, as the person in your position. It is calling for you to show up as the shark, and there are other times where it's just not most appropriate. So when do you need to avoid the crisis? So that's when you address it head on, when you're in crisis, or when standards or requirements are at stake. When do you need to avoid the danger? So when do you need to be the turtle? All right, there are times where you need to avoid.
Speaker 1:I'll give you this example road rage, you know, especially in America, in our country these days. It is not safe. It is not physically safe, to address someone on the highway. They may be driving erratically, they, you know, they may be, you know, riding too close to you, or whatever. The wiser decision is if it's too erratic, call for help, right Like call the police. But if it's more simple, the wiser thing is just get out of the way and let it be right. That's my opinion. Do what you do, friend, but we've seen too many incidents of people harmed because of road rage. We've seen too many incidents of people losing their lives because of road rage. So when is it appropriate to avoid the crisis? When you are at risk of grave danger, when you are at risk of abundant danger, it may be time to avoid the conflict. That means you don't address it head on. That means you separate yourself from that situation. When does this arise at work?
Speaker 1:If you have a conflict with an authority, what I would encourage you to do is at least pause. Sometimes it may be appropriate to address, sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's worth it to you to address, sometimes it's not, and you have to decide when it's worth it and when it's appropriate. Some things you might want to consider If your conflict is with authority that's several levels above you on the organizational chart, you may want to think about that, friend. If you have a conflict let's say you're a public school or university and you have a conflict with a state representative, friend, you might want to chill, you might want to pause and think about that and talk to the folks who you are more closely connected to and work through that together and be strategic together. If you are a professor and your conflict is with the university president, you may want to pause, friend, you may want to pause and think about that. To pause, friend, you may want to pause and think about that. Talk to a mentor, talk to someone who can support you and decide how and if you need to address that conflict.
Speaker 1:I'm not saying you never address it. I'm saying you need to determine if it's worth it. You need to weigh the cost and determine if addressing that conflict is worth it or if it's safer for you to remove yourself in whatever way. That means. That doesn't always mean leaving your job. But if you need to remove yourself from that conflict because of the weight of the risk, the level of risk that you would be facing by addressing that conflict. You may need to be a turtle in that situation. Okay, there may be other ways that you got to get out of that situation. Um, personally, if you are in danger, if you are in danger, you may need to remove yourself and get help to remove yourself from a dangerous situation, as opposed to being a shark or trying to collaborate with someone to resolve that conflict. The answer may be to get out of there, and you get help to do that. Right, so you may need to address it head on. You may need to avoid the conflict and be the turtle Number three you may need to defer or delegate the conflict, right, so this goes more.
Speaker 1:The next two goes more into the teddy bear approach, right, so maybe you need to defer or delegate the conflict. I'll give you an example. So our daughter is a young adult. She's in her early twenties and as she's growing into adulthood, even in her late teens, I'm finding more and more space to support her by making space for her to address her own conflicts. So, as opposed to telling her what to do, coaching her, supporting her, asking her open-ended questions so that she can make her own decision, as opposed to me, her father, making decisions for her, me or her father making decisions for her right.
Speaker 1:So if there's an opportunity for training, if there's an opportunity for empowerment, let's say that you are a new manager and you have someone. Let me take that back. Let's say you have a new manager and you are teaching them, supporting them as they lead. There may be opportunities for you to defer or delegate your authority to them to give them some practice. Now, delegation doesn't mean abandonment. Right, when you delegate or defer the authority, you can still walk with them, you can still support them, you can still coach them, but you are not directly addressing the conflict yourself. You are making space for that person who's learning to address the conflict. So you may need to defer or delegate the conflict to someone who's learning, someone who's training, someone who's growing. You're sharing your authority to give them an opportunity to practice.
Speaker 1:Here's the final approach that I'm going to share with you today and again, thinking about the teddy bear, and I believe this is most situations. In most situations, you need to seek collaboration. In most situations, you need to seek collaboration. In most situations, it's a team effort, whether you are strategic planning or whether you are considering just daily approach to work right. So boss doesn't mean I create duplicates of me. I believe and I hope that there are pieces that folks will pick up from my leadership that works for them. That's been effective. But being the leader doesn't mean I'm creating more PBJs. They don't need to be PBJ, I don't need more PBJs, I have one. Being the leader means making space for the brilliance and the value that other people bring that complement and connect with what I bring, and that means allowing more ideas, more thoughts, more conversation, more connection and making decisions and addressing our conflict. So when needs are in conflict, whether it's within the team or external to the team, most of the time, most of the time, there is time and space for collaboration.
Speaker 1:Now I will be completely honest. Like my students say, I'll be 100. Okay, I don't know if I said that right, but anyway y'all hear me. My students say I'll be 100. Okay, I don't know if I said that right, but anyway, y'all hear me. Let me keep it a book. I've heard people say let me stop. What is wrong with me today? I'll say this I am more comfortable with collaboration.
Speaker 1:So when you hear me suggest that collaboration is the most effective most of the time, keep in mind that is my comfort zone. All right, that is where I lean, but I truly believe that most situations, most conflict, give us an invitation to communicate, connect and collaborate. I truly, truly believe that, and the result of that is not just buy-in because everybody had a voice, but it also strengthens trust and it strengthens relationships. So I want you to consider what your normal conflict style is. So what is your comfort zone when it comes to addressing conflict? And, from that comfort zone, I want you to be intentional about deciding when you need to stretch outside of that box in order to address the conflict in the most effective way. Address the conflict in the most effective way. Sometimes you need to be a shark, hit it head on. Sometimes you need to be a turtle and avoid it for the sake of safety. Sometimes you need to defer or delegate your authority to train or teach or encourage someone else, empower somebody else and sometimes, often, more often, you need to seek collaboration and make space for communication, connection and collaboration.
Speaker 1:All right, y'all. I'm on one day, so I'm going to go. I don't know. I think I'm a little giddy. Tomorrow's my birthday and I'm super. I love birthdays and I don't have a lot planned. I think we're going to brunch and maybe a little shopping, but I don't know. I'm just joyful today. And, of course, as we're closing, you hear your girl hey, miss Bella, you're making a guest appearance. Say hello, she's shaking her bells over here. All right, let me let y'all go. I'm just joyful today, but I hope you got something out of it and you have become more comfortable in dealing with conflict. As always, friend, you are powerful, you are significant, you are brilliant and you are loved. Love always. Pbj. Talk to you next week.
