#120 How to navigate your f*cking emotions in the moment

In today's episode I am going to tell you how to navigate your big f*cking emotions - as in how do you hold space for feeling motivated AND overwhelmed at your job? How do you move through it in a way to get the work done and give yourself compassion.

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Show notes and the transcript can be found here: https://michellekevill.com/podcast

Transcript

 00:00

Hello, I hope you're well. And if not, I got you at least you are here. My name is Michelle Kevill. And I help high achieving corporate women feel passionate about their job again, I just finished recording a previous episode because I have a lot going on next weekend, especially with like wedding preparations coming around the corner. So we've just finished the other one, we've had a tea break, just made myself a Saturday, I don't really drink if you don't know, don't drink too much coffee anymore, because my autoimmune condition. So I drink like dandelion root tea, it's not as good. But it does the job. And my brain thinks it's coffee, I do have coffee sometimes. And I find I like it even more, because I'm not drinking it as much. So it tastes really, really nice. Now, this is one of those ones where I'm still figuring out the title. But I want to talk to you today about how to hold yourself emotionally. I'm gonna get a better title for this one as well, that'll probably look at it. But I've just been, I've been thinking about this all week, because this is something that I was struggling with. This is something that I've seen some colleagues struggle with as well. How do we hold space? We are having so many emotions at once. How do we continue to keep going? I think what happens is I see this with my clients, but I see this with people who reach out to me is that there is a lot going on in their life. And there are many things happening at once. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with pulling away. But the challenge I having is that they're reacting so much to all the emotions of different things happening in different areas. I think a lot of the time, we want to pull away, which is fine. But I think we forget that we can also we can do things while feeling a little bit shit is basically it. Now you might think that's contradictory to the some of the stuff that I have talked about before about like taking a sick day and stuff like that. Here's the thing, you end up getting to a point like me, where I've coached, you know, myself, and I've been coached so much on this that I know, when I need to take a real proper like pull away, versus this is actually an opportunity to expand my capacity and my capability. Because shit is just going to happen in life. And sometimes we still need to show up for things, whether it's our kids, our jobs, that side hustle. It's okay though, to feel like shit, while you're doing some of that stuff, it does not mean that your business is gonna go down the drain, or your work quality is going to be terrible. A lot of it has to do with giving yourself a deep level of self compassion for how you're feeling. But what is amazing about it is when you do that, you can prove to yourself that yeah, when I'm feeling a little bit like shit, it's okay, I can still get some work done. Maybe it's not at 100% capacity. Maybe it's only at 20% capacity. I talked about this in the other episode, like very recently, I was literally just at my corporate job at 20% capacity. Lots of personal stuff had happened, my autoimmune condition flared up. This was my life. And like yep, but I was still able to show up. So able to make an impact help people remember my team. And things were had to be a little bit slower for me. And that was something that years ago, I would have struggled with. But now by allowing myself to do that I proved that I can hold space for these emotions, I can feel this way it is okay to feel this way. And I can still get good stuff done. And because I did that, I was able to start building up my confidence capability. But also just like I felt like towards the end of the week, I went from like 20% to 30% to like 40%, like, started building myself back up. This is funny because this came out of me from my coach in my own business. But it's funny because I was applying it really well my corporate job, not in my business. In my corporate job, I am pretty good at accepting that there are going to be ebbs and flows. In my business, I haven't been as much. But what I do have a tendency to do is to push myself really hard and then pull away all of a sudden. And it was interesting because my coach was just pointing out that pattern and was looking at how could you be holding space? And when I say holding space, all it is is how explain it to you. Right? If think of that movie, inside out, think it's inside out with you know, there was like happiness, jealousy, or disgust, anger fear or something like that. And apologies of spoiling the movie. It was out years ago though, so I think you're fine. But basically, it's like this kid and she has memories and like happy, sad etc. And then as she's becoming a teenager, she has this one memory where it's happy and sad at the same time and there's a first memory where it's all together. And I think that's a really good analogy for being a Fucking human, because that's what you really need to be doing in life. Sometimes I don't feel super motivated, either at work or in my business. And sometimes I do have to kind of negotiate with myself like a child like, yeah, I want to do this thing I'm gonna work from for an hour, and then I'm gonna go, you know, do this other thing like, relax. And both parts of me are not happy. The father wants to continue working. It's like, No, I want to keep going. The other part is like, No, we never get to rest. Even though we do I have lots of hurdles to show that it does rest, but it's still love, both parts are working to feel safe with me believe that, you know, I am going to be taking care of me. And that's okay. I used to say, and I say this to my clients all the time, if you are one of my clients, if none of them, if neither parts of them are happy, then I've done a good job. If I look at the end of the day, and the part of me that wants to relax, or like, do a ton of work isn't happy, then it's fine. It's all good. Like I'm learning and it's getting so much more better over time to work with those two, those two sometimes flare up when I do like more things or different things or things that I don't know. But how I want to relate this back to you, in your corporate job is you need to work out and differentiate. And I always get my clients to start with, if you're a person that is hustling all the time, start by like taking the breaks, listen to the episode and like how to take a sick day. That is really, really important. But then what I get to work with you on more closely and at a more deeper level is how do you hold space for feeling like shit? But yes, sometimes there is shit you fucking have to do. Like I produce a podcast every goddamn week. I sometimes I have to do the podcast. No, I have to in a main way. But I genuinely want to do the podcast. Sometimes my brain is like, I want to do it. The this is all this stuff. Right? Or maybe I've had a little like argument with my partner. And I'm not feeling super enthused, but it's like, I still have to go to work, I still have to do all this stuff. And it's like the what I see is it can be very distracting. It's like, you know, I'm not motivated. I'm not in this headspace, etc. This is where it is so key. It's so powerful. If you can just hold space for whether it's at anger, that overwhelmed that, like bled, I don't want to do it and still do the thing. Maybe not at 110% capacity. That's fine. Oh my God, will you go so far. Because it also is a really big strength, especially if you are, you know, highly driven, you want to get promoted, you want to keep moving through, you're going to be put in scenarios where, you know, like, I even now in my own role, I'm constantly expanding my capacity. This is a funny thing. Some people think I live like a super like la dee da absolutely 24/7 In love my job. I love my job. And do you love your kids every day? 24/7? Do you not get upset with them? Sometimes? Like no, of course you do. Like it's the same with my job and I am expanding my capacity. I am moving you know, I still have career goals that I'm moving on to. And it's challenging at times. And I need to know how to hold space, how to learn that skill and hold space, while feeling really anxious or having some old thoughts pop up around like confidence and stuff like that. That's what I mean by holding space. Because you're all in this way. Here's the thing, you're always going to need this skill. I'm constantly using these coaching skills all the time. Because unless you stay stagnant, which is true and you can by the way, like you can just stay where you're at and be okay with that. But for like all my clients seriously all of you who work for me do not want that you're all like not I want change for myself and that is a part of you. That is believing in you. That is like yes, I want to go here. These are my goals. These are my dreams. This is what I want to do. So you got to get really good at being comfortable with uncomfortable. It's another way of saying like holding space for the feelings. Now I do not want you I mean this I'm serious if you use this to gaslight yourself to overworking yourself. No, I'm telling you right now I'm spraying a spray bottle in your ears. Metaphorically right now. Don't you dare fucking do that I swear to God, don't do it. Because I know some of you are going have very high achieving super workers absolutely overworking yourself and you're going to sit there nine o'clock at night, doing your work as maybe like it's an analyst or just an example of giving, like whatever it is, right? And you're gonna be like, well, how can we show that how can I hold space for these people? I'm just going to hold space feeling. No, okay, no, stop it. Do not do that. I mean it because that's not healthy. Okay? There is a difference between pushing yourself to the extreme edge versus feeling mildly upset and being like

09:55

I don't want to go having you know, Brian, or it's like, I don't want to do this and stuff like that procrastinating and holding space for that part of you that's like, I don't want to do this and doing the thing anyway. It's like, it's such a big skill. Yeah, many things at work, I don't want to do that my corporate job. And it's for everyone. By the way, I don't know why we split that it's so true. Do you not work on projects that are more fun, and you're leaving the other project. The other thing that you don't think is as fun to last, not the last minute, but more like it's in the back of your head, and you're gonna want to work on that one. But guess what, I have to just redirect my brain and be like we're doing the thing we're doing the thing you don't want to do. And the only reason you don't want to do it is because it's a stretch for you. And it's a new skill. And it's a new thing with climbing the Korea goal, we have to do this, and you're not used to it, that's all. And that's fine. And we're going to do it now. And that's okay. The other part of me is like, no, like, it's fine, I just hold space for it, I let it have a little tantrum, I let myself have the little internal tantrum. And then I go and do the thing anyway. It's like that is the god it's like, it's called being a sound. So it's being an adult, but it's being an emotional adult, it's being a parent to yourself. Like, that's all it is. And it's so important, because it will help you like I know some of you want to start a side business. And how many of you, I've heard it all before. I don't have time, I don't have money. I don't know you, I got kids. And I get it, though that is true. And you can still start, you can still do something, you can still try to do something. You can't I know you can't, and you just don't want to do it. Because you don't want to fail. And you can't hold space for that feeling being failure, or whatever it is the same at work, same thing, don't want to do that project, etc. Why? Because it's harder, because maybe mooring are not as fun. So you push it to the last minute and the only way to motivate yourself is when it's at the last minute because it is due and then you have to do it and you're just motivated by absolute like, fear and dread. No, stop it. And I don't again, I don't want you getting into this habit where you use this to gaslight yourself. This is not putting ourselves in extreme. Like I want to say danger, but that's not the right word. Like extreme scenarios, like not getting any sleep and stuff like that. And like purposefully not you know, like, like being super ridiculously anxious where like you're at. So the extreme end example that I'm giving here is like when I was quite unwell a few years ago, and my anxiety was so high that I had like, you know, diarrhea, I lost 10 kilos, like all this other stuff. And if I use that to gaslight myself and be like, well, I can just hold space with feelings as I work myself into a thyroid condition. Late into the night. No, no, no, that this is not the episode for you, I would like you to please head to the episode how to take a sick day. That is for you. But if you're at the point in life where you want to be doing things, you can't be doing them. There are things you want to go after and goals, but they feel really scary. Or like me, there's just lots of things happening right now. Whether it's work, whether it's like, like your family life, etc, all at once and it feels overwhelming. You really need the skill and being able to hold all those emotions and take care of yourself. It's so important. So I want to give you a tip today, that's gonna help you do that. Now, some of you might not like it. Some of you like it is the same tip. First of all, I add the same tip that you're talking about, because it's so bloody important. And I don't think so means you don't think you're doing it. I say that because I get it. This is a new habits that I'm telling you to do. And I think you guys are doing them sometimes. And then like pulling away from it. And you're doing it when shit is hitting the fan. And you really need to be doing it like, all the time in saying that, like, I'm not perfect either. I'd say I'm better than the average person, but I'm nowhere near perfect or what I consider to be like, you know, like brushing your teeth, like every single day, like and that is really what you should be getting to because you really need to start seeing your emotional health is just as important as brushing your teeth. Just as you know, keeping them clean and gum disease and all of that you but here's the thing, you brush your teeth. Why did you do that? Well, you've been taught to brush your teeth. Did you like doing it when you're a kid? No. You're like, oh, I don't want to do it. Like but you did it. You did it anyway. Well, you know, maybe you missed it or you just pretended and stuff like that. But you know what I mean? You're an adult now and now you do it, I would assume but you get it. And it's the same with this. The problem is you're starting as an adult. So it's going to be a bit more challenging to build that habit. And once you see the importance of it, and sometimes it'll take a few mishaps right for me. I take my autoimmune condition very seriously when it comes to food and as you heard I just gave up coffee because I've been burned too many times you think I took my autoimmune condition seriously when I first got diagnosed with it. No, I still kept eating bread and everything and it completely completely messed me up. And it was like, Oh, look, I keep getting, you know, it's like I keep touching the electric fence, you touch it the third time you're like, you're, I need to stop doing that. And that's the same sometimes when it comes to this, right? Sometimes you need to go down a little bit emotionally to realize that doing this stuff that I'm telling you, is really important. I'm just hurting that in because, you know, I care about you guys, and I want you to do it. And I know it's helpful, because it has just changed my freakin life, this is what you gotta do, I want you, when you were sitting there, when you were feeling super overwhelmed, stuff like that, I want you to just write out and label all the emotions that you are feeling right now. It could be overwhelm, and fear, right, and really keep it neutral. Do not be like, I'm so anxious, oh, my god, the world is dying, blah, blah, blah. So I want you to label them. And then I just want you to notice them. And I want you to do is I want you to imagine and feel close in your body. Now, when I hear me out, it's different to what I usually say, I want you when I say hold space, I mean, I literally want you to imagine holding your anxiety and your fear in your body, I want you to have that either, like you can have a wave of fear come over you. And you can have a wave of anxiety come over you. And I want you to just be be with us. You can even imagine too little emotions. Like they can be a little people sitting next to you and you're holding them loose. That's what I That's why my podcast data was originally going to be handled yourself emotionally. This is what I do. And it's getting very visceral with the emotions, it's getting very connected with them. It is again not reacting with them. Even that visualization that I'm telling you to do right now it might sound a little bit like fluffy and low moods look gonna do like, you don't understand your limbic system, your stress response is operating on a completely different realm. I swear to God, it's just that in the prefrontal cortex, like, to an extent very disconnected, you cannot talk to it the same way you can, when it comes to some of the thinking stuff that I tell you to do. So when it comes to emotions, you got to actually get a little deeper, a little creative, a little imaginative. That is how you connected with it. When you were doing that, what are you allowing your body to say you were saying, These emotions are existing, and I'm safe. And it is okay. And you can even say that to yourself as well. You can also say I'm giving myself permission to have these two emotions exist right now. Recently, I was feeling extremely overwhelmed with some personal news that happened. And it was bringing up a lot of old pain. It was a mix of fear. It was anxiety, I probably had six emotions. And six of them. You guys are like, what, how do you do that? Well, I'm coaching I'm not perfect all the time. But I know how to fucking hold them. Let me tell you, I held all of them. I did not react to them. I gave them space. I treated them as like they were little tiny children existing in my body. One was in the corner crying. One was with a knife or running around like crazy. And another was like I don't know, kicking up dirt. One was pulling up my leg. And I was just like, Yeah, I'm giving myself permission to let these all exist right now. And you know what, I am going to go to my corporate job. I'm going to be working at 20% capacity for today. And that's okay. And then I do that my business and I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna do this thing, do a little bit of work, work on my client plans and stuff. And that's okay. And guess what ended up happening because I gave space for all of that I was able to move through it and bounce back from it so much quicker. That's because you are creating safety with them. You are allowing them to exist, you are saying hey, these emotions are happening and it's okay. Now, I did tell myself Yes, I needed to pull away a little bit right, I needed to slow down in all areas of my work. But that's the thing. I'm so slowing down to speed up versus freaking out about the emotions and then judging myself for not getting enough done. And then making it even worse than going on about how there's too much to do, etc. Which I still do is my brain still seriously on a fucking daily basis is telling me that there is so much to do with my business with work with a wedding. How am I doing either that, that's fine. It can have a hissy fit. Okay, it's all good. We can slow down sometimes we can speed up sometimes, you know, the thought that I'm anchoring towards I always get it done, because I fucking do. Always get it done. It always works out. Just keep anchoring myself back to that. Of course my brain is gonna remind me this. It's like, Girl, you've never done this before. That's why the stresses all of that comes out.

19:42

Do you think I stress about the fact that like I haven't poured a glass of water? No, because you know, you've poured a glass of water when you're doing new things, new big things and you're doing lots of new big things in different areas of your life. Yeah, it's gonna feel overwhelming. But that's where you need to hold space. This is where the work that I'm telling you about is so important. because then you're proving to yourself that, hey, when these emotions are happening, I can still get shit done. And then you build up your capacity to do more. And to, like, you know, maybe it's 20%. And it's 30%. Maybe next time this happens for me, maybe it's 40%. Like, it's, it's just amazing. It's a skill that I'm still honing in on, and getting stronger, but I'm just doing this in multiple areas. And that's okay. It's a learning thing. Like I'm learning how to do it. But what I teach you in my one on one, like coaching program, the epigraphical Life program, it's not, here's a set plan of what you need to do blah, blah, blah, no, it's a fucking skill. Okay? I'm not like giving you a wait for you to lift at a gym saying lift this and it's through, it'll work. I'm like the personal trainer telling you how to lift the weight. So later, after six months, you know how to lift that weight. You know, what exactly exact muscle you need to target with certain weights, etc. These are skills that you master like things like these, you imagine? Like, how many times have you potentially been crying in the bathroom? Like, How amazing would it be to just be able to calm down and go back and do your work? Except that yeah, maybe it's not gonna be at 100%. But maybe you can get like, 40% of this thing done. And it's still something you're proving to your brain that even when things are shit, you can get things done. And that's okay. And fuck is that so important? Especially now, with everything that is happening in the world. And I'll be honest, the I don't talk about a lot I don't talk about or a lot of politics and stuff like that. There are so many mixed things on in the coaching industry and like as influence, like, don't think I'm an influence of a you know what I mean? On if I should be, it shouldn't be, and for me, right now, it's okay for me to not comment on that stuff. That's okay. And it's not to dismiss what is happening. It's that I used to be very like, Oh, my God, I have to talk about this, I have to do something bla bla, I need to take care of myself first. So I can give more. And that's okay, that's fine. There will be plenty of time for me to grow my capacity. So you guys to comment, and talk about that stuff and contribute in a different way. Right now, I'm at the start. And I'm building that up. And I'm build still building my business up, I sought to make it out there my businesses like small or insignificant, yeah, but it compared to other people who I think can and can do all these like charity work and stuff like that. Completely different levels. But that's a good realization to have, because it will allow me to eventually do that I can give myself small goals working towards that. So sorry, that was a little bit of a tangent there. But this is such an important skill. If this is something that you want to expand on, and you really want to make 2020 for the year that you absolutely love your job, and you can go to it, handle it. And seriously guys like, Sorry, I keep going on a tangent because can you imagine again, like have you not like do you think at my job, I felt stressed, but then I've been able to kind of calm myself down, hold space for that stress, and then think pragmatically and like keep going, etc. It's such a good skill to have, you will need it, the higher you go in your corporate career, it is so important. It's that stuff that they talk about, about being like, you know, in job descriptions like level headed and like, you know, flexible with stress or whatever the lingo that they use, right? That is so important. And you really only learn this in my epic working life program, at least to this extent, like to this level because it's so fucking customized to you whatever your goals are. In six months, we will get there I build you a customized plan to get you from A to B to get you from feeling absolutely overwhelmed in all areas of your life to feeling calm, confident, knowing exactly what you need to do when you should slow down where you should split up, how to expand your capacity to do more. So a link in the show notes to get on the waitlist. I'll be opening up discovery calls early next year. And in the meantime, I will see yo