Tad Malmine: Bullying Ends Here

In today's episode, we hear from Tad Malmine, founder of 'Bullying Ends Here.'

Tad travels the world sharing his own personal story and deliver information about the project he has founded.

Tad works as a Canadian Police Officer and also shares how collaboration and connection is critical when it comes to reducing and eradicating bullying.

You can find more out about Tad, his team and Bullying Ends Here by checking out his website:

https://www.bullyingendshere.ca

Transcript

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You are listening to Hills and valleys the podcast, your local wellness navigation station. And today's episode. I have had the privilege to talk with Ted mean, founder of bullying ends here. Tad grew up in Cambridge, Ontario. His parents separated when he was only five years old and he lived full time with his father and stepmother. Tad's father struggled with alcoholism and his stepmother was very strict with tad. He had limited contact with his mother and found it difficult fitting in with his peers. When at school. Todd was told from an early age that children did not belong upstairs in the home. And so he was forced in a confined space in the basement when he was home with his father and stepmother between his home life and school, life finding peace and joy was a struggle. Ted talks about his sexuality in some of his presentations and how this has also contributed to the adversity he has faced throughout his life. Despite the trauma and continued mental health challenges. He faces as a result. He knew from a very young age that he had always wanted to be a police officer so that it could help others out of the difficult situations in their lives. As he had always hoped and wanted from someone when he was a young boy. Todd shares his story. Every salience by overcoming his own lived experiences, having survived a significant history of trauma from neglect child abuse, sexual abuse from someone much older than he was. And also being a survivor of being severely bullied himself. It seemed only natural that he would found such a profound and crucial program aimed at eradicating bullying. Todd tells us about what inspired and prompted him to create and implement bullying ends here in 2011. He travels all around the world, delivering life-changing presentations to all populations who request his presence. Tad has always enjoyed playing sports and being active at the age of 32, when he was playing his favorite sport baseball, he was encouraged to follow his dream of becoming a police officer. He has made his dream a reality. And it's been a police officer since his mid thirties, aside from presenting bullying ends here all around the world. Todd has been the recipient of several awards and has been recognized by many, some of these well-deserved accomplishments include the order of merit of police. Sovereign award for volunteers, Canadian Senate statement, read of the Canadian Senate Calgary international achievement, kaleidoscope of hope, Surrey leaders above and beyond, and the community policing award. Join me in welcoming this kind of stuff to today's episode. Did you have a nice triple you were out in new Brunswick? Yeah, I did. I was able to take a friend of mine that has never been to that side of the country, shame on him, but, we got Nova Scotia, new Brunswick, PEI. Ontario Quebec. And then, came back to Calgary for one day to do some laundry and then over to, what's their BC for a few days to do we have to do, an annual general meeting for the charity. So that's where it was this year. So did that then came back and worked for three weeks and then went over to, England and Scotland where I was until just this past Monday. So it's been a very, very hectic, last. Last, I guess, month and a half, but normally without COVID that's my normal life. So it's just, that, I haven't been this active in so long. It feels a little bit more overwhelming than what it normally would have, but this is just what I, what I do balancing kind of the best of both worlds. So it's. Yeah, and I was kind of following some of the pictures you posted from your trip and it looked like you had a lot of fun. It was, I really appreciate you coming on and taking some time out of the weekend to chat. And, I certainly do remember when you did a talk here for the bullying ends here in new Brunswick, it would be what, two, three, maybe even four years ago now. It would have been. Anywhere from, I guess eight years ago is when I started this and going to new Brunswick to up until two years ago. So a little bit of a window but. Good memory. And I still wear the pink as you see, nothing has changed and I've gotten younger. If you can believe it. I don't know how that's happened, but, it's in the water, I guess. Well, I'm sure you certainly feel quite young too with just me and so active and involved in these, really important. And so for people who might not know much about what bullying is here and about you and your back story, do you mind talking a bit about who tad is and what your kind of background is and what led you into this whole initiative? Absolutely. And it's kind of interesting because when I share what I do today, I almost have to go backwards in time. It's on how it started. You and I connected as you mentioned, because I get a presentation that's is a part of the program that I created about 10 years ago. That I call bullying ends here. And the reason why I created that and why I do school presentations and why I speak about youth mental wellness and, anti bullying. And the importance of kindness is because of my story growing up and then a story of a young person who isn't here anymore. So I'll guess I'll start a little bit with my story. Five years old, my parents weren't getting on. They made the decision to get a divorce. They split, I stayed with my father who was an alcoholic, but not the alcoholic. When we hear that word, we often have a real negative, um, understanding or thoughts of what that would be. That wasn't my dad. My dad was still a very caring kind, loving person, even under the influence, but the. Though was that when something was going on in his life and he should have been communicating, addressing, dealing with those issues, he wasn't comfortable doing it. He would basically turn to the alcohol and just hope that issues would go away. He met a new woman. He invited her to come and live in my. She absolutely hated me. I know that because when she moved into my life, even at the age of five, she had some extreme rules. The first one was the biggest one still affects me to this day. And that rule was going to be that from that day forward, she was going to lock me in the basement of our house. So of course when you think of a basement, you think of man caves or whatever other words that we have associated to dens, you know, that sort of thing. I just need to be clear this based on was none of those things. It was the dungeon. In fact, the current owners of that house call it a dungeon. It was forced cement walls, cement floor, very low ceiling. Not really applicable to me cause I was a child, but as an adult, you'd be, I think it was maybe four and a half. Hi, something like that. One light bulb that oftentimes didn't work at all the windows will be boarded up. No toys, no electronics. It was just me darkness and. So she, that woman figured out that I was an extremely introverted young person, obviously living in a lot of fear from her. And I was crying a lot. And instead of just coming to maybe communicate, why are you crying? What's going on? Life that those sorts of things, it just manifested into name-calling yelling, screaming, physical abuse, that sort of thing. So, life for me as a young person was basically, I had two lives. I had the light, like before I was at home and I was confined to the basement and it was very simple. The rule I was not. So no afterschool activities, no weekends, no summer break, winter break, any breaks. I'm either at a desk, in a classroom or I'm in the basement at all times. It was that. So for me, it was either in the basement or at school and at school for me, for all those years, it was basically no difference than, than being in the basement. It was just a little bit different. And the point being that, I felt the same way whether I sit in the basement or I was at school, the difference itself was. That, it wasn't my father or that woman causing me the abuse. It was now the students at school, because at the young age, they also figured out the fact that I cried all the time. And unfortunately there are some cruel kids out there that especially if the behaviors aren't caught early, they continue those behaviors all through school. And that's what I experienced. The kids started with name calling. They love to see the. But the name calling manifested into physical assaults, pushed down the stairs, spit on chase home from school sucker punched. And I'm talking from elementary all the way through to the final year of high school. And as a victim, as we often do, we hold everything in. We, we don't talk about it. we hope that other people are going to see it and that by putting our head on a pillow at night and wishing things got better, that things would. But I guess that may just been, a bit of a lesson. I was learning from my father with, not doing anything to address issues that you kind of just wait it off for my dad. He had the output of alcohol, but as a young person, I didn't have any outputs. So not only was unable to cope with what was going on, but I was experiencing things that I'd never even heard of. We didn't even talk about back then. And that's mental health and mental illness. I went to a very dark place. I event eventually ran away at 17 years old, living on my own in the custody and care of the government. And I started to build myself, but hadn't addressed the trauma of being a child. So, the suppression of mental health in a positive way, wasn't happening because I was hanging on to all the mental health and negative way. So when I was 21 years old, I couldn't take it anymore. I attempted to. Obviously I was unsuccessful, but when I woke up the next morning, I remember just being so irate with myself, so angry and I made a promise to myself that I still remember to this day. And I'm, we're talking, you know, more than 25 years ago that not only. Get to such a dark place but that, I'm going to do everything in my power to always wear a smile and I'm going to mean it. I'm not going to wear fake smiles where you're covering something up because that means I'm not addressing it, but genuine smiles. So I started getting therapy, to this day. I still, I still speak to a professional every two weeks. I absolutely love it. I find it very beneficial. I've been courageous and brave enough to go to a doctor to check to see, you know, is there any imbalances that may be just the body naturally would have? And, so for me, that is a strength because I recognized that I needed to keep investing in myself. So. Going to doctors and getting all the slew of tests all done and recognizing that, I struggle with anxiety. I struggle with OCB and being a police officer. Now, for many years, I also struggle with PTSD. So all manageable for me. Again, he continue the communication, the understanding and recognition of what my challenges are and taking medication. But just as my life had gone on and I had found a way to kind of, I wouldn't say bury my past, but just acknowledge it, own it and truly understand it. Wasn't my fault. It was in October of 2001. I had just finished a day of work reading the news, and one headline says Ottawa teenager takes his own life because there's a severe bullying and little did I know that by reading that article for the next few moments was going to have such a dramatic change on my life because I read about a young man, 15 years old in. Relentlessly bullied for years eventually, that relentless bullying led to struggles with mental illness. And at 15 years old, he took his own life via suicide. And when I read that article, I just something happened. I still, to this day, after talking about this so many times, I still can't put into words what happened, but essentially a fire was led. Fire has just grown over the years to the point that I just realized that now this journey that I'm on is something so much larger than NAI that, I can't even say no to an offer to come and speak. It's, you do it for the betterment of who may be in that audience, because my goal is not to change the world. My goal is if I can help better just one person's world. Then that's what I wanted to do. I want to be able to help the tags and the Jamies that are still in our communities, provinces, in our country, in the world. And, so that's how your path and my path, met several years ago. It was from word of mouth teachers telling others, telling community leaders, community members about this guy named Todd that speaks so openly. Can he come to your school and can you come to your community events and, that's what I do. So it's kind of brings us to where you and I are today. Continuing the message and thank you so much for that wonderful overview of who you are, what you're about, the things that you've gone through. It's amazing that you recognize even to this day, that nothing that happened to you before now, when you were younger, was ever your fault ever to do with you. And, it sounds like you've really allowed those things to happen. For you rather than to you. And I think that's really beautiful to be sharing with people and bullying is something that is still so prevalent in our communities. No matter where you are, what group you are in, there's always forms of bullying everywhere. So. To have people like you who are very actively involved in trying to improve that is really necessary and bullying. I think most of us in our life at some point have experienced some form of bullying, whether we are a bystander, whether we are doing bullying, whether we are somebody who being bullied. So. Being more informed and educated on the severe impacts that this has on people, as you had mentioned, you know, it can lead to very serious issues and suicide is one of those very important things to talk about. Can you speak a little bit about why you think that one particular story of all the ones that probably have been out there in the news, impacted you so much. Do you, have an idea as to why that's such a good question? You know, in my line of work, I mean, I've been a police officer now for 14 years. So at the time when I first read about Jamie, I mean, I'd been an officer for maybe three. Three and a half years, so I was, an RCMP member in Surrey, BC. So, I'd already been exposed on the front lines to tragedy, to suicide, to mental health, components, mental illness components, I read the news every day. I watched the news, so I had already seen these stories. I'd already heard them, unfortunately. When you hear about them, especially in the news. So often we almost disengaged ourselves from them from the personal side, and we just think it's. Those people it's, the people in the news and we can't, we can't grasp the fact that, but that's, someone's son that's someone's daughter that someone's child, brother, sister, you know, parents so when it happens a little closer to homework we read something and we just have that connection, it really brings it home. So I don't really know. About like what it was, maybe it was the mood I was in that evening. Maybe it was the way the story was written in such a way that when I was, reading it, I was really drawn in to feel white. Jamie was going through how he would have felt, how his family would have felt, how I was maybe when I was reading Jamie's story, it was triggering internally for me about my story. Like there's coconut. Reasons that I guess that article may have or Jamie's story, but it was an article at the time that. You know, resounded in such a way with me, but, but I've never been able to put my finger on it. And, and even though I've read the article many more times since it's, it's just, it's never had the same impact, but obviously I know what the article is going to be about at the time. I only knew that obviously I'm going to be reading about. The, tragic death of a young person, but yeah, I don't know. And in all this time, since obviously still seeing tragedy, still being on the front lines very much involved with young people, still reading the news. No other article, no other story. No other life has touched me the way that Jamie's did and continues to. To touch me. So I don't, really know the answer and I don't know if I'm ever going to but I can tell you that there's a young man up there. That's looking down and, he would have just turned 25 years old. And there are certain things that have happened in my life that I just know that he's watching down and I'm very close with his family now. So I think from the personal side for the family, what I'm doing is bringing a little bit of just a small sense of peace to, to know that their son's life, And, and early ends to life is bringing some positivity to the world. And I think that's important that by simply sharing, not telling anyone what to do, not talking statistics, not talking anything more than simply bringing the live true stories right there in front of those who may be struggling. And, and I think that's, what's effective with what I'm doing. There's a lot of effective things about what you're doing, but that certainly one really good point. The other thing is, you talked about your past and what's led you to become the person you are today. Do you have an idea as to the turning point, you know, after the thoughts of suicide and just feeling at your lowest, what motivated you to become a police officer to, help protect the community more than it would be without you. I think, like when I was five years old and, and the traumas started, so the being confined to the basement was, was the first time that I started to envision that I wanted to be a police officer. The thing is, is at that age, I didn't have much exposure to society. So I didn't know that it was a police officer per se. I wanted to be basically what I wanted when I was five years old, six years old, seven years. Is, I want it to be in a position to be a person that would be able to have come to save the little boy, Todd, who had been locked in the basement, who was feeling alone, who was feeling terrible things that no young person or any person should ever experienced or. I think that I basically, I just wanted to be a person to be able to have helped what I was going through. As time went on, I would start to understand as exposure to, to police in schools with, school resource officers or whatever it was called back in the time that I was there. I think that's when it started to formulate that it's a police officer that I want to be because a police officer can, like, you know, obviously now speaking from a police officer perspective, I don't have all the tools as far as being a social worker, being, having all the, abilities to connect with social programs and so forth. But what I do have the authority and the. The ability to do is to be able to go to the basement, to help the little boy tide and get him out. And then that's when I rely on partnerships to be able to continue the longterm, I can be the immediate help. So I think wanting to be a police officer, as I grew older, leading, even up to the suicide. For me, it was, that dreamed up by held on to that probably had maybe holding on until I couldn't hold on anymore. And that's obviously my, my date of attempt. But then after then, It kind of just became more of a fading dream because now I'm getting into my mid twenties, my late twenties. I wasn't, I was still getting help, but I wasn't believing in myself. I was still running from things in my past. I was traveling across the country, always thinking that, well, maybe if I go to Vancouver, it'll be better. It wasn't. So then I moved to Hamilton thinking that'll be better. It wasn't then I moved over to overseas thinking it'll be better and I don't even know what better was, but I was searching for something mystical out there. And it was never there. And it took me a long time to understand that the happiness that I was searching for has nothing to do with outside of my body it's to do with inside of my body. So I was running from something without realizing I'm running from myself. When it got to the point that I started to actually believe in myself, I had convinced myself that, well, now it's too late to achieve my dream of being a police officer, because now I'm too old. I, had laser eye surgery. So I was finding barriers on myself as to why not to apply. And I was taking. What used to be faxed, but in the current time was myth it's like there used to be a fact that you had to be a taller than six foot to be a police officer. Well, obviously that's not applicable anymore, but, there was a time that if you had laser eye surgery, you could not be a police officer wasn't applicable anymore. For me, and being 32 years old is not too old to be a police officer. So the in fact, the very barriers I was putting up on myself, and truly believing the fact that. They were all false. And I did nothing to check to see like, Hey, can I, I mean, I'm six foot two. So the height piece wasn't applicable. But using that as the example that I never did do a double-check to be like, so could I apply? I never made a phone call when the internet came out. I never did a Google search. I just didn't do anything. And it was only a chance encounter with a police officer playing on a baseball team, that I was recreationally playing. And, that's when he told me he was a police officer and I said, oh, you know, as a young boy, I always imagined being a police. And he asked if I was one. I said, no, it was my little boy dream. He said to me, you should give yourself a chance because there is going to come a day when you're going to grow old, sit back, reflect on your life, remembering that you had the dream that's all that you're ever going to have is just the memory of. So why not just try potentially everything to gain. And if for no other reason that you attempted it's for that, when that day does come, when you grow old, sit back, reflecting on your life, remember the dream. You'll always be able to say I tried, I gave it a shot. I did everything I could have. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be, but I. And I did all of those things. And when I grow old, sit back, reflect on my life, I'm not only going to be able to share with myself that I tried, I gave it a shot, but I can also say that I achieved and it's not because of anyone else my achieving and, experiencing my dream. Isn't because of anyone else. It's, it's, there's only one person responsible and that's. It's a lovely story, but you were able to believe in yourself. And accomplish your goals. The other thing too, that's really neat about being a police officer and the program that you do and that you've created, the bullying ends here. I feel like in our line of work, you know, I've been a social worker for probably 10 years now. And. The communities are really bridging those gaps between policing and, social services and, mental health. We're really trying to work more in collaboration. And I think that bullying ends here. These kinds of platforms. And programs are what's helping to bridge those gaps and it's helping people in the community view, police officers and RCMP officers as somebody that they can trust somebody not to be feared. And so having you be in the position of an officer while also doing the bullying ends here and being that, that face of that program are things that are really helping. To bridge those gaps. So you should definitely be commended on a regular basis for those initiatives. That leads me into, more about what bullying ends here specifically, well, and that's, that's simple. We do what everybody in my opinion should be doing, and that is speaking openly and honestly, with our young people. So for instance, my presentation, I stand up there just the way you see right now, the pink shirt, a microphone, No handouts, no stinging dancing, no, no screens. There's nothing. It's just me talking for an hour. I try to have my audiences know as little as possible in, in a perfect world. They know nothing about me at all, because it's my story. So I talk about what it was like for me growing up and I go sequential as to how things. And then I talk about Jamie story, but the difference with Jamie's story is I introduced Jamia, so we still with us. And then I paint the story of what Jamie was going through. So when it gets to the point that Jamie isn't with us anymore, The young people in particular, because that's my goal, but no matter who's in the audience that they've already resonated with Jamie's story, because Jamie to them could be themselves. It could be their body. It could be the person they step over in the hallway every day. And then when they learn that Jamie isn't here with us anymore, they've humanized who Jamie is. So that's, that's the very reason why I don't have a picture of Jamie behind me, for instance. And a lot of people have suggested over the years, I should. The fact of the matter is because I don't want Jamie to be the person on the screen behind me. I want Jamie to be the person that's in their mind or sitting right there in that audience. I think what's happening is that by simply sharing what I went through. The connection is being made with young people to know that when they do come upon a moment in their life where they feel alone, they feel rejected, they feel worthless, that they recognize that that isn't unique to them. It's unique to humans. We have. Felt or continue to feel or will eventually feel those moments in time. It's a perfectly normal experience to go through. What isn't normal is when youth feel genuinely feel that they are the only person in the world to experience what they're experiencing. I think if a young person truly feels that way, then we as adults have failed them because no child should ever grow up thinking that they're the only person to have. Bullied there the only young person to have ever experienced mental illness. If we, as adults simply talk again, that all we have to do, we don't have to talk statistics. We don't have to tell young people. We show them. We show them that as parents, as grandparents, as teachers, that we don't have a magical life. We're not living magic. We, experienced challenges growing up. We were alone. We were targeted. We, felt neglected and rejected. And I think if we were to do more of that, our young people would be in a much healthier place nowadays, because they would understand it's okay. They're not going to feel nearly as alone and isolated as they, they truly feel today. the more that we can have people such as myself, but quite frankly, I'm not doing anything special. Absolutely. Every single person has a story, young or old. But we're just as adults, I think we struggle with. That open piece for a multitude of reasons. We all have our own lived experiences, but sometimes we don't want to talk about it. Sometimes we're uncomfortable. Sometimes we don't think it's going to work. It'll show vulnerability. Well, yeah, but it's not about thinking on behalf of the other person. It's not about thinking about the person that we're trying to help. It's about thinking about. Doing what we want to do in hopes that it's going to show it'll lay the groundwork for the young people in our lives, that when they do have the struggle, we could very well be their safe person. So the person that they come to. And so that leads me to what the program does is that I share my story and then I throw it out there to everybody I'm available. They can message me anytime. And I think give them every social media platform possible. It comes to me only, obviously not from a, a crisis. Intervention specialists, not as a counselor, not as a replacement to a parent, but as somebody that they can speak to safely, knowing that if they just understand what it feels like to say something for the first time, something they bottled up forever. They push, send them. Maybe they're going to understand that what I just shared with them as far as how it does work to release, to communicate, to talk that maybe when they push, send, they're going to be like, oh my gosh, like it helps. And then encourage them to continue pushing, send, to continue reaching out. And obviously when they reach. That's a perfect opportunity for me. I've built the trust. We've got the connection. I can then introduce them to social services. I can introduce them to counseling and their school to resources in their community, and I can be there to bridge for them. So I can say like, listen, would you trust me? And allow me to reach out to a teacher on your behalf and we can arrange your private meeting, just you and the teacher. I wouldn't be privy to it, but just kind of. That bridge and, and it's not rocket science. What I'm doing, it's just, I think it just takes a few people off guard because it's not something they're necessarily used to hearing. And, and especially like you said, being a grown man, being a police officer and talking about feelings and emotions, those are things that stereotypically in those two roles, men in particular and police officers, stereotypically don't talk about feelings and emotions and mental wellness. And a narrative that we need to start changing. Thank you so much for sharing that. I really do. I believe that the more that we talk about these things openly and give more opportunity in these larger platforms that people will reach out more. You know doesn't matter what age you are. As adults, we have that responsibility to really nurture and, develop our young people and show that. Without expressing these things without talking about them and normalizing that's when the mental illness that's when the addiction issues, all of these things start to manifest as we age into more serious issues. And we tend to deal with. Sometimes really maladaptive coping mechanisms that can put us at more risk. The more that we talk about them and just share, I think. Right. I agree. And I think that I can share that that statement is a fact with what I'm doing and how many young people reach out, how many people that my presentation is basic as simple as any effective, as some people thought originally, it would be until they start to see it and hear it and see the results of it. It's a genuine fact because, I mean all word of mouth. I never, to this day I have never advertised something like, oh, I'm coming to your city. Would you like me to have me come and speak? Never, never, never, never, never. I'd feel so uncomfortable if I ever did it. But in 10 years, I mean, I've now presented. To over 1.2 million people in person. I have no idea what social media and the virtual presentations that I've recorded and have on the website available. I have no idea what those numbers are up, but just in person and that's word of mouth. I guess when you break down those numbers and then you recognize that, on a daily basis, I'd say I'd get probably about a hundred to 200 messages a day, even if I'm not presenting, from young people. And many of those in fact, Showing my age a little bit here, but some of those, what were kids are now grown adults and, going out for a beer with them or meeting up after all these years. And they still remember everything about it. I think that is. Positive impact that, that, you can recognize. So the, the connections being made, the communications being had, the story is resonating and it's long-term. And obviously my presentation and style, the approach I take is not going to work with everyone, but that's how humans are. Not everyone has the same learning style or preference. If I can only reach the ones that I'm really targeting that. Sylvia to have, it's a certain percentage of the students in the room have no interest in my presentation, but another percentage taking potentially life saving messages away. I'd say that that one hour was time. Very well spent in India. I would agree. And I think too, there's a lot of kids out there who do feel like they can't reach out, whether it's somebody locally or, even in their own family friend group at a fear. And when they do finally meet somebody who. Messages back. And, I know I've seen it, and I've heard stories from kids who have messaged, who, usually from what I've heard, received messages back. And I think knowing that there's somebody there that cares that values their life more than they feel is being valued. for whatever reason is it is lifesaving. We may not always know who it was that was saved or helped or supported or loved. Know, I don't need to know, because I know in my heart of hearts, I know from the messages I'm receiving, I know from the continued request to present that it's working and, and that's, that's all. It's like I said, I've been doing it so long now that I've gone through the phases. Cause I'm still an exceptionally introverted person. I mean, horribly introverted at times, but I've taught myself with so many presentations put that aside, put that discomfort aside for the hour, I can be introverted for the other 23 hours out of the day, but, for that one. You know, invest it, invest it in that young person, in our communities, in our country. Like I said, I think that's an investment that's goes without saying. Do you have any thoughts on what we can do as adults to better educate ourselves and our kids? About bullying and suggestions on how do we end bullying? I know talking about things is wonderful and it helps to reach more people, but are there specific things that we could or should be doing to improve that area? Yes. And I think it too is quite simple. So when we say the word bullying, we have to be very mindful that bullying has a very, very set definition and. If it isn't met, then it's not bullying. And, I know that this is a bit of semantics for some, some listeners and viewers that might be thinking, well, either way it's wrong and you're right, it is wrong. But the point of understanding what bullying genuinely is compared to inappropriate mean cruel behaviors is the fact that bullying is something that is not going to be corrected with the bully overnight. And with that said, it's also not going to be, fixed overnight with the victim either. And the reason being is that sticking with the definition of bullying, we need three elements to be present all three at all times. So one is you have the power inbound. Whether it's real or perceived, it does not matter, but there's an imbalance of power. So that's going to be the bully or from the victim perspective, they feel that the bully has more power. Maybe it's size, maybe it's a grade level. It could be anything it's. But we have that sense of empowerment. We have the fact that, we have repetition and that's probably the biggest one is not, you can't go to school and be bullied in a day. It's going to be weeks, months, years. It's going to be over and over again. It is relentless. it's severe repetition. The third element we have is going to be what the intense of the bullying was. The intent is always to shame Harmer and bear. The target. So the reason why that particular last one is important is because, oftentimes as adults, we think that if the kids, If the kids are being mean to each other, the bullying each other while they're not that's, that would be, I guess, the, the sense of the word kids being kids, bullying is always very one-sided. The victim does not go back on the bully. The victim is always the victim, the roles don't change. So sticking with that understand. In mind, the reason why it's so difficult to, to go about fixing all of this is because it's been going on for so long. So the trauma that the victim has been experiencing for all those years is not going to be erased by having the bullying. They are now to a point they've experienced childhood trauma or as adults in a workplace, if it would be trauma, just a different age group. And that's going to take professional help and time and a lot of time to, to help overcome the obstacles that, that they've exposed. No. From the bully perspective, they've gotten themselves into such a routine, such a behavior that behaviors are not going to be stopped overnight. So as said, adults that are working with the bully, we need to understand where is this coming from? From bullying is not a normal human behavior, being mean and cruel and unkind to another human being is not a normal human behavior. So we have to recognize that, especially if we're dealing with. Well, where is this rage? Where is this hurt? Where's this dark hearts coming from. And oftentimes it's coming from something that we're unaware of. So with your self, for instance, being a social worker, you know, the importance of needing to have those communications with young people, and it takes multiple, multiple meetings and conversations, and sometimes. Quiet moments of waiting for that young person to feel safe and comfortable of sharing what's going on, maybe behind the four walls of their home, what's going on, you know, in their minds what's happening, where they victim of bullying in the past. With all of that said, what can we do to stop bullying? Well, if we work off the definition of bullying, we stop it before it ever becomes bullying. We stop it. When we see there is mean behavior, that would be a one-off we see when we stopped at, let me see cruel. That could potentially be a one-off, kids being kids, you know, we monitor that. We're not going to raise perfect children that never get into disputes with each other. That that is something we need to learn as, as young people and experience it and sometimes learn it ourselves. But as adults, we need to monitor that and we need to. Provide our young people, the tools, the experiences of how to go about handling it in the best way. And that's going to be open dialogue. So if we take cyber bullying, for instance, Which has done on social media, vast majority of the time it's done on a cell phone, if we think, and again, using the definition of bullying. So we've got repetition over and over and over again. If we were to be doing what we should be doing as adults, and that is monitoring what our children are doing in this case, it would be monitoring our child's use of social media that would be monitoring their cell phones. We would in fact, be catching. Bullying long before it ever happened, because we would recognize and see what our kids are saying to others. What other kids are saying to our children, what sites are our children are having exposure to. And obviously I'm speaking directly to sexual contents. Our young people are watching. Horrifically graphic sexual content at a very young age with no understanding of what they're watching. They are slowly growing into the, pre pubescent years. They're hitting puberty. Hormones are raging and they truly believe that love is shown by what we know as adults, as sexual assault, it's going up and pinching someone's backside, grabbing up. Uh, putting their tongue down someone's throat without permission and consent. they honestly believe they're doing the right thing. But again, I'd go back to we're failing our young people by not monitoring what they're doing. If we had just watched what they were doing on the internet, we would have been able to educate. We would have been able to stop. We would have been able to, prevent. A lot of the bullying behaviors, then the reason why I bring up the sexual assault component is because, a lot of people get that mixed up with sexual assault is bullying. I understand why people put it all together. They're separate, but they're coming from the same component. And that is the lack of understanding and lack of communication at a young age. So, yes, there are some families out there that have really spot on dialogues with their children. But you and I both have jobs because there are many other families that don't have the ability or the means to have those conversations. So you and I we have roles in society, that is oftentimes caused by. Of supervision, lack of adults, leadership, mentorship, and our young person's lives. So we take on those roles. And I think that that's why it's so important that whether it's police and any sort of social programs that we do have to work in correlation and in partnership with each other, because. We all play a different role. We're all a different piece of that puzzle. We may overlap in little bits, but for instance myself, I'm the first responder I go in. I make sure everyone's safe. I can help, social services let's say remove a child, but that's where my role ends. I don't have any more tools in my tool belt as a police officer. To walk that child through the system, for instance, to get them foster care or those sorts of things. Right? So that's where your role now comes into place. So we all overlap. We all need each other, but we all play very different, important roles in our young person's life. Those are some really good suggestions for us as adults and service providers. And for me, you know, I haven't exactly been in the child welfare role as a social worker. I'm more in the mental health field, but I do have a lot of friends and colleagues who are. And, seeing the impact of being able to collaborate with our police officers, if sometimes doing joint visits, even with mental health, it all connects. Yes. And to be able to be more open to. Put words on things monitor more, I think would be very helpful for people, you know, and even for us as providers, to be able to support parents and teachers, to be able to do that properly, because it's not easy to do, parents and, even staff don't always realize what's going on behind the scenes we need to know, and it's not like when I say watching and monitoring what our children are doing on social media, I'm not saying go snooping or invade privacy. It's all a play on words. At the end of the day, I, I'm not saying it to go to look for bad things. You're going to look to ensure that your child is. Is doing appropriate things that others are communicating appropriately with your child, that if your child is, searching and watching really graphic pornography, that we are affording them the opportunity to understand what they're actually watching and that it is. It's, it's not what love is. It is not how you express interest or, a connection with a fellow human being that you have just watched TV. You've watched entertainment for adults, but now our kids have full access to it. And I mean, I know when I was growing up, obviously we didn't have. But we had dirty magazines as they were called. if any of my friends were ever caught with the dirty magazine, like it would been, disciplined for those kids. They would have been grounded. They would have been spoken to would have been addressed. And a magazine is absolutely nothing compared to what our kids are seeing now. And there are no repercussions whatsoever, and I'm not saying this is like, we need to be disciplining or tiller for seeing it. I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying we need to recognize they're seeing it and talking about it because now they're getting to the point and we've all heard it of sexting there. They're sending their very personal, photos. Photos that should never be shared at that age. With fellow students in a school or community members or heaven forbid, they're sharing with people that they think they know sharing it with and it's going to someone that we should never be seeing it. So, we need to be monitoring for safety, for understanding, for knowledge. And, most importantly, just not just to know where our kids with. So I guess if anyone had any questions or wanted to reach out to me, I'm sure you're going to put the information on the podcast, but the website, I mean, I try to keep absolutely everything on there from resources, my story Jamie's story videos of both of us, As much information as I possibly can because it's a, it's a living being that website is. And once you go to the website today for, it may not be the same reasons why you would go back to it tomorrow or next week. It's, you may be in a different frame of mind. You may have different lived experiences at that time. So, the website I think, is such an important piece to the bullying ends here. Charity, that, it's. forever there and it has all the contact information as well I just really wanted to thank you again for taking the time Saturday to chat. It's an honor. Thank you so much for having me on and making this work. I, and I'm going to definitely be, keeping your name in my pocket to send people, if they think of the bullying ends here and they're interested, I'll be passing that along. Okay. Of course. And our paths may cross in person again very soon. Yeah. That would be great. I would love that. Thanks again. Had my pleasure, have an awesome rest of your. You too. when we talk about bullying, what comes to mind for you? Take a moment to reflect on any experience that you may have had and how you may have felt after the encounter. In essence, the definition of bullying is seek to harm, intimidate, or coerce. Someone perceived as vulnerable. At some point in our lives, we are all vulnerable to someone or something. It's part of human nature. According to public safety and Canada, approximately 47% of Canadian parents have had at least one child who has been a victim of bullying. Approximately one third of the population has experienced bullying as a child. Approximately one third of teenagers have been bullied recently and approximately 40% or nearly half of Canadians are bullied in the workplace. Every single week, these numbers are high and they only include those who have been reported, which would lead me to suspect that the numbers are in fact much higher. The fact is at some point in each of our lives, we will have had some form of experience with bullying, whether we are the target of bystander or bullying someone else directly. Bullying can have lifelong emotional consequences and is considered a form of trauma. It can lead to serious mental health challenges and accounts for countless suicides and attempted suicides each year. When we think about technology, social media and screen time, consider how accessible targets of bullying can be to those who are inflicting these painful words and actions on them, the content, and we have access to is ever growing and expanding and the nature of what our children and youth are seeing behind their screens can post developmental risks to their mental health and emotional growth. Tad reminds us of the importance of monitoring our children online and phone activity for their safety and the safety of others. For these very reasons. Whether we want to believe it or not. We are all responsible for creating a healthier and safer community for one another. We do have the power to reduce and end bullying. And the words of my mom and dad, once the word is spoken, you can never take it back. So be careful with the words that you speak, be thoughtful with the actions you take and never underestimate the power of kindness and a simple smile. You just never know what the person on the receiving end maybe going through and how that one act of kindness or that one small smile could potentially save a life for those who have experienced being on the receiving end of bullying. No, that you are not alone and that you did not deserve the torment. You entered at the hands of your bully or bullies. You are worth more in this world than you think. And you have the power to overcome your experiences and make positive change for others who may be in your very shoes today. If you are still experiencing, being bullied, know that there are people out there who care about you and want to see you heal and find peace and happiness. Your life is invaluable and your presence. Add something to this world that no one else can offer. But yes. Please hold on, reach out and see the beauty of your unique character. The mean things that are said to you or about you do not define you. Remember that? Again, the main things that are said to you or about you do not define you, don't allow your thoughts to take over and convince yourself that you are not worthy of happiness. For those who have been, or continue to be bystanders, try to consider how powerful you are in the process for ending bullying. Without an audience who accepts the show, there would be significantly less occurrences of bullying, and it would also show the victim that their lives are truly valued by others. If you speak up, thank you, please encourage others to do the same. For those who have engaged in the act of bullying or continue to bully others know that whatever pain or void you are experiencing, that compels you to inflict pain on others and assert your dominance over them can be resolved another way. Hurting someone else will not take away the pain you are feeling or the negative things you have going on inside of you. But there are people out there who can, you are important to, you clearly have leadership qualities and those traits could be well-served in more productive areas in our community. Tad your soul is infectious. Your passion. Kindness and willingness to be available to all who reach out to you is something that our world needs more of. You are a hero for many reasons. Not only do you strive to create safer spaces for us all in our communities and all around the world, you serve your own community to help keep others safe and offer your protection from harm by being a police officer. Your experiences did happen to you and they weren't your fault. You are now making your experiences happen for you. And that is a beautiful thing. There is no one else on this planet, just like you. And though you have survived extreme trauma and adversity in your life, and continue to struggle at times with the aftermath through mental health struggles know that you are also not alone. The lives that you impact show your true character and your will to push through the pain and find joy for yourself is more than well-deserved. Thank you for taking the time out of your life. To talk with me and share your story. Talking to you. It's always such a humbling experience. And I know our world will always be a better place with you in it. If you were someone you know, is struggling with being bullied or from the impacts of bullying on any level, please reach out for help. There is support out there for you. Ted's information and links to his contact will be provided in the episode description. You can find this information and the links to his contact by visiting my website. At www.hvcounseling.com and clicking on the podcast link. Thank you to all for listening in together, we can climb any mountain, your community partner. Thank you for joining us today for a weekly topic and tune in next week for another dose of wellness.