Ep. 79 Christiana Cioffi

On this episode, I am joined by Christiana Cioffi. We discuss Christiana's book An Unapologetic Spinster. After finding herself single in her 30's she decided to write these stories. They are approximately 96 percent truth, but 100 percent engaging and, dare we say, unapologetic. Woven between the good, the bad, and the bizarre of dating is a personal story of digging deep to find love.

Prior to her biotech career, Christiana served as a captain in the US Army for five years, including two years deployed in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom. She holds a BS in management from the United States Military Academy at West Point and an MBA from the Kelley School of Business at Indiana University.

 Her professional awards and recognitions include a Bronze Star, a Combat Action Badge, and a Medical Marketing and Media (MM+M) Award. She is a breast cancer survivor, an avid runner, and a scuba diving enthusiast. Christiana resides in West Virginia with her geriatric cat, Ellie, and her rescue German Shepherd mix, Frankie.

Author Bio | An Unapologetic Spinster
Christiana Cioffi (@unapologetic_spinster) • Instagram photos and videos

Ashley (@filledupcup_) • Instagram photos and videos
Filled Up Cup - Unconventional Self Care for Modern Women

Transcript

0:00

Welcome to the filled up cup podcast. We are a different kind of self care resource, one that has nothing to do with bubble baths and face masks and everything to do with rediscovering yourself. We bring you real reviews, honest experiences, and unfiltered opinions that will make you laugh, cry, and most importantly, leave you with a filled up cup.

Ashley: 0:32

I am so excited. I have Christiana Cioffi joining me today. She is the author of an unapologetic spinster. True modern dating stories. Thank you so much for joining me today.

Christiana: 0:42

It's great to be here. Thank you for having me.

Ashley: 0:45

Can you tell us a little bit about what made you want to write the book and your background?

Christiana: 0:50

Well, when I turned 34, I found myself after finishing a 10 year relationship, single, what was the dating world? Like, what was I going to experience out there? Was it as terrible as everybody said, or was it going to be magnificent? Well, it was a little bit of both. And I found over several years of dating, as I approached the spinster age of 40, that I had a lot of stories to share. I needed to change my perspective, and to do so, I found writing to be a very cathartic way to do that. I tried to make my stories mostly humorous but they're all 100 percent very real life based, and I think they're relatable. So I wrote An Unapologetic Spinster, True Modern Dating Stories to speak to other people who find themselves approaching middle age and not sure of what dating is going to be like for them. But to know they're not alone, even if they're not in a relationship.

Ashley: 1:46

I think more and more we find people of that age single. I think, maybe in different generations, you met the one in like high school and college and lived happily ever after. I feel like more and more, that's not really the case. More people are, out there and dating in their 30s, 40s and 50s. Has there been anybody? That you wrote about in the book that came after and we're like, Hey, I didn't know you were going to share that story.

Christiana: 2:14

Oh, nobody's come up and told me that yet. All of their names are changed. So I protected the innocent and the not so innocent, but a lot of them, I don't keep in touch with anymore. A few people I'm friends with. So just recently, one of the people that I dated he got married and I went to his wedding in Chicago and it was a lovely event and we're still friends. There's a main character in my book who pops up. early on and he kind of re shows himself throughout the book. He has not read my book. He's still, reaches out to me from time to time, but he has not read my book. I don't know if he ever will, because he's probably afraid to know what's in there. But, you know, a lot of it's people I've met, we've gone on a couple dates. I learned something from them, they were an important part of my journey, and each chapter also shows kind of a different angle of modern dating, which is what makes it relatable, because no one date is the same in today's day and age.

Ashley: 3:15

What did you notice that was really different from when you started dating, you know, pre breakup to what you started dating post breakup?

Christiana: 3:23

So pre breakup, my 10 year relationship before that I was 24, which, you know, I'm 41 now. So that was a while ago. There were no dating apps. Facebook was, barely a thing. I was in the military. So I think I before my relationship with that individual, I had been deployed already to Iraq. I had this life living in Texas of constantly doing something for the military and not really having a very social, you know, normal early 20s experience. But I still met My 10 year relationship through friends and it was new from the beginning when I met him, this was going to be something we enjoyed several great years. And then we took a while to end the relationship, but we did so being 34 and single again, dating apps. They're apparently the only way to meet people. That's what you expect. That's what you think. Now, I'm not on dating apps. We may talk about that in a little bit here. And I'll share why that is. But, I'm not on dating apps. And I don't think that's the way we have to meet people today. But it's the way that I guess I was shown I needed to meet people after my 10 year relationship ended. So that's the number one big thing. How we engage with people is over a phone or an app versus just meeting people in the real world while you're out and about enjoying your life.

Ashley: 4:50

I know from my perspective, it seems so hard to just talk to strangers and in movies, you'll see the meet cute of like people in the grocery store and it just feels like that's not really how it is. So I do understand that it does seem like you have to slide in somebody's DM or you have to swipe on them. And for me, I found dating apps, it kind of felt like internet shopping, but it always felt weird of like swiping yes or swiping no and really knowing people's. Authentic self or what their intentions were. How did you find dating apps?

Christiana: 5:21

Exactly the same. I think that is so true for so many people. Dating apps are very superficial. Some of the apps, you don't put anything substantial about yourself and your personality into your profile. You put a picture of yourself, you're doing yoga, the guy's holding a fish. It's all very predictable. And you just want them in a three second glance at you to say yes or no, that's not really getting to know somebody. And how many dates have we all been on where we go out and we think, Oh, I'm really going to hit it off with this person because I find them very attractive in their photo, and then you meet them and they don't really look anything like their photo. Now it's not to say that they're not good looking but they're just not your type of person. And you don't mesh in that way that chemistry is not there. So we're putting a lot of our eggs in one basket when we use dating apps and look at the superficial features of people or what they share, expecting to have some deep connection. Now, if we're using dating apps to have something casual, then that works great, which I've done as well. I like, to go out and meet new people and do different things and have companionship at different levels. But it's not, I don't think. necessarily the right recipe for a long term connection with somebody when it's starting from the beginning, all about superficial, pictures or many facts about yourself.

Ashley: 6:42

Every picture obviously has a metadata date in it. They almost should make it so that you can't post pictures that were taken 10 years ago or with AI. How many are going to be completely like genetically modified filtered version and then you wouldn't recognize the person when they're actually in front of you. So they almost need like a little bit more in there.

Christiana: 7:03

Absolutely. And if you think about it, when we take photos on social media, a lot of us use filters. So that's not even what you look like. Oh, my skin looks perfect. No, in real life. No, it doesn't look perfect because I'm a normal human being. And I think that's, what's wrong with society and our expectations when it comes to dating is you have to seem perfect from the beginning and your profile has to seem perfect because they need to make that decision. On you within three seconds. Otherwise, Oh, you're never going to meet your soulmate. What an unrealistic and terrible pressure to put on ourselves. How about we just be who we are? I tried to do that with dating apps. I would put something that maybe was a little bit unexpected and I used words and my personality to shine through and be different, and I didn't use filters. I didn't do the standard pictures. I didn't have a photo shoot for my profile. I just was me. Take it or leave it. This is me. I don't know if it worked or not, but I certainly didn't hate dating when I went on dating apps. So to me, that's a success.

Ashley: 8:03

Well, and I think that's the thing too. It's like, yeah, I could look super pretty if I do this filter, if I do a photo shoot, but at the end of the day, six months in you have to be okay with me sitting on the couch, watching a show or going for a walk or whatever it is that you do. For the most of your spare time, but it can't always be glitz and glam relationships don't stay at peak excitement. You have to be okay being boring with the person.

Christiana: 8:29

Oh, I totally agree. I actually have a couple chapters in there where I speak about my true self coming out and me being comfortable with who I am. One chapter was about a very interesting date I had with somebody during COVID when you weren't going out to bars. And at the time I lived in Boston, so we did. go out to a bar, we went for a walk and you had to wear a face mask. So I loved dating during COVID because I didn't have to put on makeup other than maybe a little mascara. I was wearing workout clothes because we were going for a mile and a half walk and I didn't have to spend money on a drink for needless calories that I'd have to walk off anyway. I was just getting exercise and getting to know somebody and the pressure was kind of released. They were also seeing me in a more natural. state, because I am a very active person, so that aligned up well, my book's not an advice book, but I do a lot of, advice I lend to people because they ask me about it, so I share from what I've learned, but the sooner we become comfortable with who we are and our authentic self, and I think that's what you said earlier, The more likely we're going to hit it off with the right person sooner, because we're not under those false pretenses. So my book really is about, for me, it is about finding myself through all that dating and being comfortable. In fact, embracing where I am in the journey, because I found myself, I didn't find a husband over the last several years, but I found myself and I love myself. And that's what I think we all need to do to Before we can truly allow ourselves to have that other person in our lives.

Ashley: 10:06

I definitely agree with that and I think in some ways it's the benefit of dating in your 30s and 40s like in your 20s. I feel like for me anyways, I have no idea who I was that I was trying to fit into so many people's ideas of what I should be that when you kind of reach your 30s and I'm not quite in my 40s, but I'm anticipating once you get there, it's like you kind of just don't give a shit. It's like, this is who I am. I like who I am. I think, feel more comfortable in your skin that it's a lot less pressure that way.

Christiana: 10:36

Oh, yeah. And that's what I'm experiencing now, since I released the book and I've, come into my own even further. And I'm always on this journey as we all are. I'm really embracing that, you know, at 41, I may not be able to have kids on my own. For that much longer. And I don't even know. I've never, never tried. Who knows? Maybe I can't have kids on my own right now. There are other options or things I can look into, but it's okay. I don't want to think of you know, a clock ticking for me to have a family. This is a modern age. There's a lot of different ways to have a family. I also don't necessarily expect that the person. I end up with and build a family with doesn't have kids of their own, and in my view. That's not a bad thing. Usually those the people I've been on dates with that have kids tend to be the most mature and the most put together. We all should look at what do we really want in our lives and if having for me something I'm going through now is if I really want a kid on my own, then maybe I should just have a kid on my own. And embrace that next chapter of my journey and maybe that'll be the sequel to my book and unapologetic Spinster has a baby.

Ashley: 11:46

I think that as a single parent, you could also go into it with the person that you love and then it still ends up that you're a single mom you just never know. So it kind of is you got to roll the dice and whatever is best for you at the end of the day is. what you should do. Have you found when you were looking for a relationship, I noticed on your website, you have a date me application. How has that been? And do you recommend other people trying it that way?

Christiana: 12:15

Well, so I put the date me tab of my website because I wanted to make sure people visit my website and realize this isn't a Debbie Downer book of dating. It's meant to be fun, entertaining, relatable, witty. And I also, as I go through on that tab and the websites an unapologetic spinster. com date me is about sorting through potential dates without using a dating app. There's a lot of different ways to come at meeting people without being on a dating app. I'm definitely not on dating apps. I don't ever see myself getting on one again. But I also thought having my website, promoting my book, showing my personality, could also lend itself to somebody who is the right match for me. They kind of see what they're getting from the start. And if they're so interested, they can apply. I have had interest come through that website. I pursued some of them and others I have not, but it's fun and if dating's not fun, then you got to change what you're doing. In my opinion, it shouldn't be a burden. And that's my way of having some fun with it.

Ashley: 13:21

I think it's a really great way of putting your personality out there. And I do think it's really creative and it kind of. Challenges people step up to the plate. If you're really looking for a relationship and you are serious, like fill out this application. I don't think it's a bad way to do it. I actually, and it's hard to say whether this guy is creepy or whether it was legit, but I saw somebody on Tik TOK the other day that was like, I've planned this vacation. I want somebody to come with me and similar thing of like, let's do a zoom call. Let's see if there's any connection here. And he's willing to take somebody to Europe with him. Now, granted, I do think background checks and there shouldn't be like a, let's just hop to a foreign country with somebody. But still, I think it's great that people are putting themselves out there and finding creative ways.

Christiana: 14:05

I could totally relate to that person. I have not seen their video and post of that. I don't know if they're around my age. Maybe I'll look into that I write a chapter in my book about going to Puerto Rico. This trip I had really planned for a while. So I had breast cancer. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. after my 36th birthday, so I've been single for about a year and a half and then boom, I get breast cancer and I got to go through this and I'm going through it on my own. It was a really tough time for me, but I came out of it and I decided to set a vacation for myself in Puerto Rico, which had been a bucket list place for me. And hopefully I had somebody lined up by that time to go with me. Unfortunately, despite all my dating, many of the stories that filled the pages of my book, I didn't have anybody to go on that trip with me. So that chapter became about stepping into my own on a solo travel and then embracing it. I love solo travel now. So my wish for that person who's looking. Maybe desperately for somebody to join them on their trip, even if they don't have somebody, they've got themselves and their company. They can learn to be comfortable with that and truly enjoy, whatever they want to do. There's a lot of beauty in that.

Ashley: 15:23

Well, it's kind of nice. You don't have to, compromise on vacation. You want to go spend all day on the beach. You can, if you want to do some like, I don't know, ziplining where people might be afraid of heights, like all of these things. It really is exciting to get out there and find out what you like. Cause I think sometimes with age or whether you're in a relationship or whether you're single, sometimes it can be hard to just figure out like, who am I? What do I like? What do I actually enjoy doing? Because I find that you do kind of get sucked into this mindset of like, well, I'm doing it for this person or it'll keep the peace. So let's do it this way. Or I don't care. I'll let somebody plan for me instead of having the challenge of like, what am I going to make this look like?

Christiana: 16:05

Oh yeah. I've found that I have certain interests that will lead me, I believe, to who I meant to be with. For example, I took up golf lessons. I really wanted to learn to golf. I realized a lot of men are also at the driving range. So maybe do both of them together. I learned to golf and I can meet new people out and about while I'm enjoying something. I also found that with scuba diving. So. After my Puerto Rico trip, I continued to travel on my own and really enjoyed it, being able to have that autonomy and decide what I wanted to do. But I also realized I wanted to do more, have another activity or hobbies. So I brought in scuba diving and I've met a lot of people through scuba diving. I write a chapter about being in Costa Rica, scuba diving and meeting some people which your listeners will have to read the chapter to know what happens, but it was a great trip. You've got to be inquisitive about who you are at this stage in your life. We're always growing and evolving and our interests change, but be true to that person. Take the time to find out who that person is and then embrace them through different activities, learning more, experiencing different things, and you never know who you're going to meet or what's going to happen. It can be magical.

Ashley: 17:21

Which is so true. There's that meme that it's like, I want to meet somebody, but they're not in my house. That it really is that reminder that you do have to, have hobbies, you do have to go outside, you do have to, put yourself out there and step out of your comfort zone, that, you can't necessarily just sit at home and swipe all the time, that it does have to be, finding yourself, becoming this whole person to actually meet people.

Christiana: 17:44

Yep. But then what happens when you don't? Meet anybody you're out there, you're putting yourself out there and I've been doing this for a couple years and I've yet to really meet the right person at the right time, a couple close calls, but it just didn't fit. So it makes me wonder and you know everybody's got their different views on religion or spirituality, I'm a pretty spiritual person. Makes me wonder, what's wrong with what I'm doing? Am I not doing something right? Or is it just not my time yet? I actually believe that I'm putting myself out there and I'm believing that, what is meant for me will come to me at the right time. So then it must not be the right time. And if it's not the right time, then what can or should I be doing for myself? To make the most of this time, which is part of why I wrote the book. I've made changes in my career. I've embraced living in different parts of the U S and exploring what else there is that, you know, after I have a family, I won't have that freedom. So make use of what I have now with time and space and see where it takes me in my path, which would have been very different if I had met somebody five years ago,

Ashley: 18:53

I do believe what you're saying where the timing just has to align and you have to be open and ready for that person to be open and ready. So sometimes it isn't on the timeline that we want it to be on. Now, if somebody was listening and was like, she sounds great. I wonder if my brother, uncle, dad would be a good fit. What would be your Mr. Right?

Christiana: 19:14

Okay. My Mr. Right. It's more energetic. That's how I feel about it. I think that the people I have fallen in love with over the last few years have not been my quote type. I don't know that I have a real type other than, I do like ex military myself. I like somebody who I feel can take care of me and protect me. I also am looking for somebody who's independent in their own way, but most importantly, they are looking to have a partner who's going to grow along with them because I'm not going to be the same person five years from now that I am today. I hope to continue to evolve and do that with somebody. those are the, I guess, really core pieces of somebody that I'm looking for. As far as what they look like or where they live, with the right person, anything's possible. So I'm not focused on where they live, although I'm very happy where I live, and I'd love them to join me here if I don't meet them, at the grocery store after this podcast, but I think that. We've got to be open to that. And so meeting somebody in person is very important for me to recognize, do we have that energetic connection? Is there you know, almost like a soulmate familiarity about them? And you don't know that over a phone, over a text, or even a zoom call.

Ashley: 20:34

Have you found that people have used really good pickup lines or really cheesy pickup lines before in your experience?

Christiana: 20:42

I did an experiment, wrote a chapter about it, and it's called F the dating apps. I made a shirt that said exactly that and said, give me your best pickup line and arranged wearing that shirt with my girlfriends in a girl's trip to Savannah. I had all sorts of pickup lines during that trip. I don't think that it really matters if the pickup line is good or not. I think. It's how it's delivered. So if somebody is giving a super cheesy pickup line, which I personally like a little cheesy, and they deliver it with a smile and charismatic, then I'm going to lean in on that. I also had pickup lines where, guys just stood there and said, hi. Is that your pickup line? Like, yes, that's my pickup line. Like, okay, well, you didn't make me laugh. You didn't make me cringe. You didn't do anything memorable. So not really a pickup line and I wasn't really interested. So that's my personality and what I was kind of looking for in that experiment. The guy that I ended up spending the most time with during that girl's trip. I wrote about him in the chapter. I didn't even know he was giving me a pickup line when he did. So again, it doesn't matter the pickup line. It's just engage with somebody make eye contact. You know, have a conversation with them, see if there's any chemistry from that beginning that you can build upon and learn more about them.

Ashley: 22:06

Yeah, that's a really great point because it's like you don't want somebody to come up to you, be like, hi. And then all of a sudden you have to do the work on somebody that you weren't even necessarily going to start the conversation with. it's really great. No matter who you're talking to, it's like, show that you're interested. Ask those questions, lead and listen to what the person is saying to you so that they actually want to keep talking to you.

Christiana: 22:28

Exactly. We're trying to get to know somebody for sure. Take the time to do that. I also believe dating can be fun even if you're using dating apps and showing up at a bar to meet somebody, don't put all the pressure on yourself, have different objectives. For me, every date I went on, it was about learning something about myself. learning something about something else, which usually had to do with that individual, that date and what they maybe did for a living or what their interests were. And then the third was as I lived in Boston, I really wanted to explore more. So it was about going somewhere new. And when I set Out for those three simple goals in dating. I found that I was really genuinely getting to know the other person cause I wanted to learn about them so that I could check number two off my list. And they enjoyed that. I think that you can feel that whether or not somebody is paying attention or interested in what you're saying or in your, limited time together. So I had a great record of getting asked out on second dates and I'm no supermodel. I mean, I've got my picture on the cover of my book with my cat. I think I'm decently attractive, but it's really about your personality and the confidence and having fun. That's going to get you to have that second date with somebody.

Ashley: 23:38

I think that's such a good point too. Like our attraction is what instantly will kind of build that first initial spark maybe, but It doesn't last. So if you can't make the person laugh, if you're not somebody who is a good conversationalist, if you're not having that actual soul connection with somebody, it's never going to work out that I'm hot, you're hot is like pretty much, I don't know, one, two dates, maybe a month into the relationship. But I find that it fades so fast and then even that initial attraction, like they become attractive for other reasons, but that initial. Oh my gosh, you're so hot doesn't tend to last. Even if the attractiveness doesn't change.

Christiana: 24:17

Yes, and I think as we get older, we're not looking for somebody to be physically attracted to us and full stop when you're 20, your hormones are raging and you're free you're out of your parents house and you just want to date people and have fun. And a lot of that is built on the physical aspects of it. But as we mature, it's about who can I grow old with and. Somebody may be really great looking and have a great personality or they may not. So if we put all of our eggs in, they got to be great looking or they've got to be this tall or what have you, or make this much money or things that change, right? How tall is not going to change, but how much money they have is going to change. So that's a very superficial way of looking at somebody. It should be more about who are they, and do they have certain aspects that you are looking for to determine if they're compatible.

Ashley: 25:10

We've had so many conversations just about what was socially acceptable in behaviors. I don't know, before and to what's acceptable now, like weaponized incompetence is something that kind of comes to my mind. So if you're somebody who wants children, you want somebody who's not going to become your second child, you're going to want somebody who's, going to clean up the toy room with you who you don't have to put like pictures of groceries to send them to the grocery store. Like you really want. an adults. So I think it's also those conversations. It's like, when I want a partner, are these things that are going to be deal breakers to me? Or is it something where I can, you know, laugh and do all the groceries shopping myself or somebody who, if I tell somebody something to, are they going to listen? Are they going to retain that information? Are they going to be a good friend and a good communicator back. And I think all of those things really matter a lot more than if they have a dad bod and balding or whatever the case may be.

Christiana: 26:06

Totally agree. I think you're bringing up something that is very important for women, maybe around 35 is what I've seen in my friend circle, women getting middle of their 30s. Feeling that real pressure to, I got to find somebody, you know, all gynecologists, OBGYNs, they say that my ovaries are shriveling up and my eggs are getting scrambled. And if I don't find somebody soon, then I won't have time to, have an engagement and then get married and then have the kids. So they're actually creating a very loud clock in their head, and that's counting down. So, it's no wonder, I think, that a lot of women listening to that clock that becomes the driving force, they find somebody that's good enough, you know, that meets enough of those criteria. And they have a family with them. It's like, oh my goodness, you've now created, a bond until that kid goes to college at a minimum, you've created a bond that would be hard to walk out of. Is that the right person for you to be happy with and I don't believe that anybody makes us happy or makes us unhappy. I believe we are in charge of our own emotions, but are they the right person for us to live into our full potential, which is what's going to help us be our happiest. My word of advice to women who are early thirties looking at that clock or listening to that clock tick. Don't worry about it. You do you and what happens is meant to happen as long as you're living to your fullest potential. You're going to see great people come into your life. Wonderful things are going to happen to you. You're going to manifest the things that you dream about and you're not going to, settle for something or some situation that doesn't serve your highest good.

Ashley: 27:49

I definitely agree with that. I also think that we've been sold, you know, even thinking about pregnancy, like anything over 30, they call it geriatric. It's like, you're not a grandmother. If you decide to have a baby at 45, we are living longer technology and science have evolved in a way that financially, if you were able to, and you were like, I don't know if I'm going to have kids. I want to, you could always consider freezing eggs or again, There's lots of turkey basters all over town, like, you don't have to go a traditional route, and you could still end up with your Prince Charming at the end. I just think we need to stop, quote unquote, shoulding ourselves. We don't have to follow anybody else's timeline, or if we don't go at our path in a straight line, it doesn't mean that it's a bad path or it was a wrong path. We all have individual, I guess, end games.

Christiana: 28:40

Absolutely. That is exactly so well said the synopsis of my book. Spinster is a title that was purposefully chosen. I'm unapologetic in that because I am releasing the societal expectations for me. And it's an unapologetic spinster because I'm just one. I think there's so many women out there. And I know a lot of people that have read my book and reviewed it on Amazon. People. I don't even know have read it and they say, Oh my goodness, this is relatable. I wish I had read this 10 years ago when I, was dating somebody I shouldn't have been with. Cause I felt pressure to be in a relationship. It's also resonated, believe it or not with male former colleagues I have from my day job. Who are late forties, early fifties and finding themselves single, whether their spouse passed away or they were divorced, they're reading and they're like, Oh my goodness, this is a great reminder that we need to be true to who we are. But for women, spinster is an archaic phrase, but it's still a societal expectation. You know, you need to get married. You need to have a family. You need to do it in that order. We need to release that. We need to say society. No, thank you. And I'm saying we do it on your own. No, thank you. That doesn't serve me. That's not how I'm looking at my life as a linear path. It could be very. Unique and different and I'm gonna do me and that's where everything will fall into place the way it's meant to be.

Ashley: 30:02

It's nice that more people are hearing that conversation so that if they have that negative voice in their head they can be like, hey, other people say it's okay, I actually don't have to listen to that. If men and women were finding themselves single and they're like, I don't know how to plan a date. I don't know where to go. Do you have some suggestions on great places to go for dates and places where you're like, I probably wouldn't.

Christiana: 30:27

I think that when you're going out on a date, it is, you know, tried and true to go to a bar or have a coffee for a first date. I say, keep it short. I don't think you need to do the tried and true way. Find out what some common interests are. If you're both into golfing, for example, maybe go to the driving range and you don't have to have it drawn out. Oh, but you'll have good conversation most likely. And if you're hating it, you know, just leave the date, but in the meantime, you'll also be doing something that's of interest. So my recommendation would be find out for the first, second, third date. What are some of your common interests? and have a date around that so that it's not just sitting there staring at one another, but you're also doing something that can help take some of the pressure off of, I need to force a conversation instead. We can talk about my golf swing and, you know, he's an expert golfer. He'll give me some tips. That kind of thing is helpful, but I also recommend for a first date. Again, you haven't met the person you don't from a dating app. You don't know what they really, look like in person or whether or not you're going to click with them. So don't make it a whole production, just meet quick, walk, have a cup of coffee. You know, don't have a whole meal. That feels like a big to do. You don't need to put all of that in just meeting somebody essentially for the first time.

Ashley: 31:50

I would also add in public, like really populated areas is always a good first date option.

Christiana: 31:56

Absolutely. Absolutely. Don't go for a walk in the woods by yourself. Go for a walk. And, you know, as I lived in Boston, we went to Boston common, we're walking around, you know, you can stop and get, a pretzel or what have you from outsiders pop in for a cup of coffee. If you're really hitting it off, there's ways to extend the date. Definitely do what you're comfortable with. Don't necessarily choose someplace that is right around the corner from you. Maybe go somewhere that's neutral ground if you're having to travel a little bit to see one another. Do what is safe first and foremost, but do things that also don't add to the pressure we're already putting on ourselves.

Ashley: 32:34

Did you have any bad or bizarre dates that people could maybe learn from or that you maybe talked about in the book?

Christiana: 32:42

My book is filled with some bizarre dates, some funny dates, some endearing dates. So yes, I've got a lot in there. I think each chapter does show that different angle of dating, and I learned something from each of those dates, and that's why I selected to put them in there. I think, don't judge a book by its cover. Now, maybe my book, judge my book by its cover, because I've got my cat on it, and it's kind of funny, but I mean that in the figurative sense. you meet somebody, give them a chance for a little bit. So I met somebody who lived in a van and that I thought was going to be a terrible date because why am I going on a date with somebody who lives in a van, who. Doesn't even live in the same state as me. They're kind of passing through. This seems like a waste of time, but they were insistent on wanting to meet. And so I write about it in this chapter, how it turned out. Be a really fantastic date. He was such great company. We had really good conversation. I felt good about that date. Meanwhile, you take somebody, who on paper or on the app, I would have thought this is going to be a fantastic date and we meet in person and they're rude or they're inconsiderate or, some other things and it turns out to be a terrible date. So give somebody a chance, show up, you know, not. Wanting or forcing something to be something that it might not be just see what happens and that's going to be your best shot. I believe it having a good date or if you've got the chemistry, maybe it'll be a great date. But when you when we start getting into, not being considerate or respectful of other people to me that's our dates just going to go downhill and go downhill fast.

Ashley: 34:26

SOmetimes the good on paper do end up being like the biggest red flag or boring or not really what we want. I think sometimes until we kind of get into that situation and see the person you don't really know what you're looking for. Like obviously the foundation of things that you're looking for stay the same, but it's like I went out with somebody and they had a really goofy sense of humor and that. Just isn't me. So I'm like, this isn't gonna work, but I loved it. I loved that. He was so silly. It was so Nice that he could put himself out there and just be so cheesy where it kind of drew me out of my comfort zone so that I didn't have to be so serious So you don't necessarily know what you're looking for until you find it

Christiana: 35:08

Yes, I totally agree. And in that example, you gave you actually grew from it, right? So if we are learning from our experiences and dating and elsewhere, then we're going to grow. And to me, that is a huge part of dating. Getting back out there, putting yourself out there, whether it's on a dating app or not living your life and being open and making eye contact with people. And I make eye contact, I flirt and I enjoy my hobbies. So I'm going to meet somebody doing that. That's what I believe. Or a friend's going to introduce me something like that, but we've got to be open to growing as a part of that. And that makes it rewarding in and of itself versus, Oh, another date. And I still don't have somebody and when we get down into that perspective and that mindset, it's going to be hard to come out of that. So start from the onset of I'm going to have fun and I mentioned those three goals, those worked for me. Maybe if you're a goal oriented person that works for somebody else as well.

Ashley: 36:07

I think adding on to that too, we kind of touched on the red flags, but when you do go on those dates and like, say I had gone out with a funny guy and I actually was no, this would be immature. And I don't like it. It's also Acknowledging that in the moment and accepting that as a person not being like, well, I'll just date him for another month and see what happens that I think it's also trusting the red flags when you see them.

Christiana: 36:30

Oh, yes. So you've got red flags that pop up because they're not ready, they're not emotionally available, or there's red flags, orange flags, like they're not the right fit for me. Having the confidence to know one, what it is you're looking for. Is important. And that comes from being assured of who you are, of taking the time and effort to look within and really appreciate who you are, what you have to offer and where you want to go in your life, and then finding the partner to fit that I definitely have, you know, some of the near misses, there've been great connections. I've had very strong feelings for people, but either they weren't ready or the timing wasn't right. And neither one of us was ready. If you try to force a situation like that, in my opinion, you're not setting yourself up for long term success in that relationship because it's built on a rocky foundation. So strengthen your foundation. And then when you build the house, build the house with the right person, not because you're approaching 40 and you got to have a family. Otherwise, Oh no, you're not going to meet your life goals. it all comes back to. Know yourself, love yourself, appreciate yourself, live your life, enjoy the hobbies you have, and trust that when the time is right, the right person will also come to you. And while you're waiting, just really enjoy everything you can about your life in that moment.

Ashley: 37:57

I love that. And I also love that you went on a date with somebody and then ended up at their wedding and that that was cool with them, that the bride and the groom were like, This is an awesome connection. So I also love the fact that even if it doesn't work out to be like a husband or a wife situation, you've now got two new people in part of your community.

Christiana: 38:18

Yes. Friends. Friends are built off of some of these dates, because you're enjoying their company. So if you take the pressure off, and you enjoy their company, then who knows, you may not date them long term, but you may have a long term friendship, they may be somebody who introduces you to somebody that you end up with down the road. Again, it's treating other people with the respect that you'd want treated towards you, it can be fun, dating can be fun and if it's not fun. Change something about how you're approaching dating, whether it's your mindset or how you're going about lining up dates and and going on the dates. Do something different and make it fun again and you'll enjoy it. Your dates will enjoy it and you never know what kind of friendships or other types of relationships will come out of it.

Ashley: 39:07

I think it's so important because as grownups, I don't know what age or what point we kind of lose that. Like childhood wonder, but it really is finding that joy finding what am I so excited to do today and it isn't just like work and pay bills and sleep. What do I want to fill my time with? And I think the more that you lean into those feelings of joy and just having fun. I think your energy changes and then people do tend to want to be around you more that it's almost like that taxi cab sort of metaphor. It's like when the green light is on, people are more like open. They're like willing to be around you or get into your cab. Whereas if you clearly are not interested or having that sort of shut down, then obviously nobody is going to pay the fare and want to get in.

Christiana: 39:53

Yeah, I think that's the law of attraction, right? It's raising your own energetic vibration and putting it out there and it's attracting in the same type of energy to you. So if you think very little of yourself and you have a low energetic vibration, it's no wonder you're meeting people or ending up in relationships with people that don't treat you with the respect that you deserve. Because maybe deep down, and I'm not a therapist of any kind, I go to therapy myself, and I think we all should, we'll all benefit from the right therapeutic partnership. But maybe you're in a relationship with somebody you give more than you get, because you don't actually think you deserve that love. That you say you want and that for me personally was part of my journey having come out of a codependent relationship and finding myself and then becoming comfortable with who I was, but then boom, I get breast cancer. And I talk a little bit about it in the book. I Elected for a double mastectomy and reconstruction. So now my physical body, the sexuality that I kind of stepped into again, I had to do it again. I had to learn to be comfortable with myself and love myself. And it made me wonder, you know, why did I even get breast cancer? Is there some energetic connection? We all have, our own views on life and the universe and beyond. For me, I've become very focused on my journey of making sure that I have that right energy. And that's again, starts with how I feel about myself. And when I believe that I deserve true, wonderful, reciprocated, unconditional love, then that's what I want to attract in. So in some ways, it's no wonder I haven't met my person over the last several years of dating right time, right place. But I'm also looking for something very special, and that doesn't just pop out of nowhere sometimes. I mean, I think it will when the time is right, but for me I'm doing other things as I expect my person to come into my life. So I would, you know, say to your listeners out there. Think about what kind of energy you're giving off, and if there are patterns of certain people that you find yourself entangled with in unhealthy relationships, why is that? And maybe seek the professional help to get to the bottom of it, so you can be that full, higher vibrating person that's gonna attract somebody mutually you know, high energy.

Ashley: 42:20

Do you mind if I ask, how your health is doing now?

Christiana: 42:23

Well, thank you. My health is great. So I was very lucky when I found my own breast cancer lump. It was stage one. Because I elected for a double mastectomy and reconstruction, I did not have to go through radiation and I was borderline needing chemotherapeutic regimen. So I did not do the chemo, which was great, but there were still other challenges and I'm still technically on oral therapy and some other ovarian suppression based on my type of cancer. So I'm coming up on five years cancer free and I'll come off my therapy and I'll move on with my life. But it, changed my life in a very positive way. It's how we look at things, challenges that come into our life. And so many people have cancer. So many people have other tragedies or challenges. For me, this was something to help me. Stop, pause, and reflect on how am I really living my life and what needs to change for me to be healthy inside and out. So I think I am much healthier now than before I had cancer.

Ashley: 43:25

I think that's a great mindset and I'm really happy to hear that your almost five year mark is coming up and that things are going good. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for having this conversation with me today. Can you let everybody know if they're looking for you online, where they can find you?

Christiana: 43:42

Yes, it's unapologetic underscore spinster on Instagram. You can also find me on Facebook or visit my website unapologetic spinster. com and my book both in print and ebook is on Amazon. That's the best place to get it. And if you read it and love it, please leave a review.

Ashley: 44:00

Awesome. Thank you so much. Thank you.

44:06

Thank you so much for joining us today for this episode of the filled up cup podcast. Don't forget to hit subscribe and leave a review. If you like what you hear, you can also connect with us at filledupcup.Com. Thanks again for tuning in and we'll catch you in the next episode.