Gifts & Curses

TW: violence

This episode applies the 50/50 concept from an earlier episode to trauma as a way of releasing the past, finding inner peace,  and moving on without any regrets. 

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Transcript

0:16

Hey my friends. Every once in a while, I will realize just how different my experience is from other people's. Like obviously right, but sometimes it just really hits me in the face. Like my boss was talking about his daughter, and his daughter is in her early 20s. And she just like graduated from college. She's living at home right now getting ready to make her next move. And he's like trying to set her up and trying to get her an apartment and like basically she has all her basic needs met by her parents, even as she is an adult and trying to move out of the house. It just struck me suddenly as I was listening to that. I moved out at 18 and as soon as I moved out, I was 100% completely on my own. Like I paid for all my shit and if something went sideways, it was my problem to figure out. There was no backup plan. No one was gonna come save me if I couldn't make ends meet or if I fucked it up. And I started wondering if one experience was better than the other. Like would my boss's daughter be better off than I was because of this because of the way he was taking care of all these things for her? And the answer that I came to is yes and no. And this is what I want to talk about today because I think I've talked about the 50/50 concept on here before. The 50/50 concept basically states that life is 50% positive and 50% negative, regardless of your circumstances. It's just because that's how life shakes out. And obviously, it's not always exactly 50/50. But the point is that there's always a mix of positive and negative, regardless of your circumstances. And that 50/50 concept is why I think the answer to my question is both yes and no. There are some ways for sure that her life will be better or easier, because she has that strong parental support. But, because I didn't, I had to develop really strong problem solving skills, and money making skills, and I had to learn to really manage money. And I built all of these skills from having to be so independent that you probably don't develop as strongly when you have so much support like that. So in some ways, yes, her life will be easier. But in some ways it will be harder because she won't have those skills. So ultimately, I came to the conclusion that one experience wasn't better than the other. Both experiences have their benefits and their drawbacks. And at the end of the day, regardless of whether it is my experience or my co workers daughter's experience, either one will be a mix of positive and negative. It isn't like one is this magic formula that somehow erases the fact that life is 50/50. Just because her experience is different than mine, does not mean that it is without its own challenges or unique suffering. And I think this is something that is so important to realize because it is so easy to look at someone else's life and think oh my life would be so much better if I had had the same experiences that they did. Or if my experiences weren't what they were, my life would be better. I did this a lot coming out of my abusive marriage. I would look at people who had never had an abusive relationship and think oh my god, it must be so nice. Like their life is just so much easier and simpler to not have all this fucking trauma hanging around. And that contributed to a lot of bitterness for me. I was very resentful of this. And it was easy to turn that into an excuse for why I couldn't have or do certain things. It became so easy to say like, I would be so much more successful if I hadn't had this happen to me. Or it's possible for her to have a relationship like that, but I can't have that because I'm too damaged. That's only possible for people who haven't had my experience. And I got kind of stuck in that mental trap for a while. And don't get me wrong, some things are 100% easier when you don't have certain traumas, like 100%. But I think it is so easy to get caught up and look at all the ways we have been harmed and forget to see that the 50/50 principle still applies here too. I got a whole bunch of nasty shit from that trauma, right? Panic attacks, attachment issues, difficulty trusting others, self doubt, self esteem issues, just you know loads of it. But I also got some positive things from it. I have way more empathy from having that experience. I know and understand some things that people who haven't had those experiences just will never get. I have wisdom that they can never have. I have proof of my strength. I know how fucking strong I am because I had to use that strength. Not everyone can say that. And look, don't get me wrong. This is not an attempt to Silver Line anything. This is not that bullshit "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" toxic garbage thing. This is acknowledging the whole picture. I saw a quote floating around on social media a few weeks ago that said something to the effect of that if you went back and fixed all of the mistakes you ever made, you would erase yourself. If I had never gone through the shit that I have, I wouldn't be this version of me that I am today. This version of me is the version that I had to become to overcome all of the shit that was thrown at me. I like this version of me. I've come to the place where I wouldn't change anything. I used to wish that I could travel back in time and bash the 18 year old me's head in with a rock so I could stop her from all the future suffering she would get into. I no longer want to travel back in time and change anything. Given the chance, I would change nothing. Because I like who I am now. I like who I've become. I think it would be a shame if this person that I am now, this person who talks openly about topics that didn't used to be talked about, who possesses wisdom that people decades older than me don't even have, who has emotional resilience skills that most adults never learn, didn't exist. That would be a shame. I think this version of me is fire. Even if it means all the suffering I have had and still do have a lot of the times. I still think it is worth it. And this has brought me so much peace because I don't have regrets. I am at peace with the past. It doesn't mean that I think a lot of it wasn't fucked up and wrong and shouldn't have happened in the sense that it sucks that suffering happens in the world. But I'm not fighting it. I'm not comparing myself to other people anymore and wishing my life was different. So I would offer you this consideration to look at the other half of the 50/50 of what you've gotten from your trauma. Not to minimize the suffering or try to silverline anything, but to look at the complete picture. To see the gifts along with the curses. It's very natural to look at the negative part of the 50/50, but it takes more deliberate effort sometimes to notice the positive part of the 50/50 and I think it is worth looking at the whole thing. If you went through something, you might as well get the gifts out of the experience. And they always offer you gifts of some kind. If you went through all that suffering anyway, you might as well take your gifts. And so my friends, I would offer you the invitation to take a look at the whole picture and see everything that you've been offered. Alright my friends, until next time, be well.