Dating Again

This episode addresses some common fears women have when they start dating again post-divorce or post-abusive relationship. 

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Transcript

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My friends. Do you have feelings about dating? Lots of people do. So in honor of Valentine's Day, we're going to talk about dating. I've heard a lot of people post divorce or post abusive relationship express fear about dating again, and dismay at what the dating pool looks like. And people fear the dating apps and are totally overwhelmed by them and just do not want to date. Not because they don't want to for the sake of not wanting to, but because of some avoidance of what they perceive as unpleasantness on the apps. There is a prevailing attitude that the only way to date in our modern society is through dating apps, which is so interesting to me because dating apps are so new. Like match.com was not around until 1995. Tinder started in 2012. Facebook dating only started in the last couple of years. Even the oldest dating apps are still younger than I am. And yet for 1000s of years, humans have dated and formed relationships. So no, you don't have to use an app to date. Most humans in the entire history of humanity haven't. And so I think it is interesting that people like to act as if it isn't possible to date outside of the apps because that is literally how it has happened for 1000s of years. In the absence of apps, you just meet people organically. You meet them in the in places that you go. People automatically think of bars here. And yes, that is a place, but it is only one place. You can meet people and make connections where ever you go, anywhere you go. Lots of people make connections in their own community whether it is someone who lives in your neighborhood or your building. Someone who goes to the same gym you go to, who goes to your church, someone you met through a mutual friend, on a hike, at the dog park, like anywhere that humans gather is a potential meeting spot. Both the opportunity and the downfall of the dating apps is its volume. There are really no limitations on the apps, you get to comb through a bunch of people's profiles in a matter of minutes. In organic settings, you will never have that kind of sheer volume. And that volume presents advantages in the fact that you do get the opportunity to meet so many more people-- way more than you would have the chance to meet organically. There is advantage in that volume. With volume like that you get to be a lot pickier. Back in the day you might have only had a handful of eligible bachelors in your town and those were your options. Now you have so many options. You can really shop around in a way that no other generation of humans really have been able to. And that's kind of incredible when you think about it. But there is also a disadvantage in that. It's been scientifically proven that if humans have about more than 15 options, they become completely overwhelmed and shut down. And I think when people say that they don't like the apps, that is one reason, one of the main reasons why. You get on there and suddenly there are like 40 matches that want to talk to you. That's overwhelming. That's enough to make you want to delete the app and hide under a blanket. That's more than our brains have evolved to be able to handle in seriously evaluating, right, that sort of overwhelm you don't get in organic meetings. With that kind of volume, you also get more exposure to weirdos. Now, say if you are only organically meeting men, you might encounter say a total of 10 men in the course of many months or whatever. Let's just say, let's just use this number. And there might be like, one of them that you're like, he's kind of weird and creepy. But when you increase the straight up volume, you increase the number of creepy weirdos you meet too. Even if the proportion of 'okay' people to 'creepers' is the same, just because the volume goes up will make you have to deal with more of them. And then when it comes to dealing with more of the creepers, your brain doesn't give a fuck that the proportion would be the same. It only cares that oh my god I have to deal with 10 weirdos. It looks at those 10 weirdos and is like Nope, there are way too many creeps out there. I'm gonna stay single. Even though there might be the same number of creeps out there as there has always been. You just have more exposure now to them then you otherwise would organically. I'm not trying to dissuade you from using the apps here. I've used the apps. But I do think you need to be aware of these things in order to not be discouraged when using the apps. So that you can go in knowing that hey, my brain might be a little overwhelmed because this kind of volume is unnatural. This volume is produced by technology not nature. So I might have feelings about it. But I can take it at my own pace and set boundaries for myself that let me take care of me in the best way possible. And to be aware that even though you are going to see more creepers, it is just because you are dealing with a higher volume of people in general. Your brain might try to make blanket statements and go into black and white thinking and say that every one is creepy on there. But there are always, and have always, and will always be creeps, and you can have boundaries around that too. And around what you are okay with and how you will handle it when you get uncomfortable with someone. A the end of the day, it doesn't matter whether you use apps or not. I know people who have met significant others on apps and I know people who have met significant others organically. There really isn't a right way. You get to do whatever you want to do. And regardless of what you decide to do, whether it's dating on the apps, or meeting people organically, or not dating at all. The one thing you will always have to do is manage your own mind regarding those choices. Because any choice you make will have its own challenges. And it will be up to you to manage your mind around those and to have your own back around your decision. There is no choice that you could ever make that will completely eliminate any negative experiences. Like there will always be shitty experiences and unpleasant emotions. That can't be eliminated. That is part of life. It is part of the human experience. Understanding that lets you see how it really comes down to what do you want to do? I think an excellent review around that topic is episode 16

of the podcast: 9:56

how to never make a wrong decision. Also, if you are interested in using dating apps, I actually did a podcast episode around strategies for optimizing your app usage. And that was episode 40 dating app hacks. All right, my friends, manage your minds. And until next time, be well.