The Cycle of Violence

This episode describes the cycle of violence and how it can be broken. 

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Transcript

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Hey my friends. I want to talk about the cycle of violence today. If you listen to this podcast, you are probably very familiar with it. You've probably lived it. It describes what happens in the abuser in the abuse cycle. We have first the build up period where feelings build up inside the individual. And then we have the blow up, which is usually an episode of some kind of violence. Whether that's verbal violence, physical violence, what have you-- some kind of release of that pent up feelings. And then we have like the honeymoon period after the blowout, which is like now that all of the emotions got to be released out, they might feel bad about that, or they might think that their partner might leave them and so they go into the 'oh sorry mode' and they do things like buy gifts and apologize and promise to never do it again. Blah, blah, blah. And then it goes back into the build up phase. The duration of the cycle can be anywhere from a few days between blow ups to months or even years in between. And it's not always like a set amount of time. It could be a few weeks between blow ups and then a period where it's like months before another blowout. It's not like a set in stone timeline thing. But the

cycle remains: 2:28

however long it takes, there is a build up period, followed by a blow up, followed by a honeymoon period which is kind of also where the buildup starts beginning as well. And I've been on the receiving end of that cycle myself. I spent 7 years on the receiving end. I spent seven years in a marriage of exactly that cycle. And this is a really hard thing for me to talk about here, but I feel like it does need to be talked about amongst survivors because this can happen to us. So after leaving that toxic relationship, I came to see myself acting out the cycle of violence as well. Not quite in the same way. Like physical violence and the same caliber of emotional warfare really isn't my thing. But I do experience emotional blowouts and they're usually directed at someone, usually an intimate partner. And when I noticed this about myself, my first thought was, oh my god, I'm a monster. I'm no better than him. It's a feeling of complete horror to discover that you yourself are also the perpetrator of this kind of cycle. And this is something that I brought to therapy because it obviously was something I wanted to address. And the first thing that happened in therapy was a reframe of it. Not to see myself as a monster, but to see that that was my inner child feeling overwhelmed and powerless and essentially making a power grab to try and make myself feel better. And the only way I recognize power was by how it had been exerted over me. So I would put myself in the shoes of the perpetrator to try and feel powerful and in control. Unconsciously Of course. And the second thing that happened in therapy, and the real thing that I want to talk about, is how to address it. How to stop the cycle. You stop the cycle through increased self awareness. So the beginning of the cycle is a build up phase. My job now is to be self aware enough to notice things that are bothering me. To notice when I'm getting stressed out and to address those things before they build up into a big thing. I have to prevent the build up from happening. Because it is so easy to get busy and kind of ignore how you're feeling. Or at least it is for me. I was always going and going and going and doing doing doing and I won't even notice that I've been stressed or tired or overstimulated until suddenly I'm like blowing up. So now once or twice a day I completely pause and check in with myself. Like I literally have a timer that goes on off on my phone for this. And I check into my body. How is it feeling? What is my emotional state like? And I even write it down. I force myself to pay attention to what is happening with me. This way I can address the things that need to be addressed. It also lets me see patterns. I've discovered that if I don't sleep very well I'm more emotionally volatile. And that's great information to know about myself because knowing that I can account for that. If I haven't gotten great sleep, maybe that's not the day to have an intense conversation about something emotionally charged. Right not a good combo. If I have an intense coaching or therapy session, the day after I will be emotionally raw and vulnerable. I have to plan for that. I have to plan to take it easy that day. It's gotta be a bare minimum day for me. I had to let go of the idea that I should just be able to go and do all the time and be fine. That's not real. That's not real for anyone, but it's especially not real for someone with trauma. Your brain and nervous system are already working harder when you have trauma. And so the idea that you can just pile lots of additional work and stress on top of that without an effect just isn't realistic. We aren't machines. We have human limitations. And in order to be emotionally healthy, it requires a certain amount of self care, real self care. The type of self care I'm talking about here not bubble baths, although that could be part of it. But this true self care of minding how you are doing and adjusting as needed, about not overloading yourself. It's saying when you aren't in a good place for a certain conversation and you need to have it another time. It's canceling prior commitments because you are fast approaching overload. And these things aren't always easy to do. Sometimes you will have to disappoint other people in order to do right by yourself. And that sucks. But letting it build up too much sucks more. I also had to let go of the idea that being emotionally healthy meant I could do whatever and feel fine all the time. I can't use and abuse myself and expect to feel okay. That's not real. If we never took the time to eat, or sleep, or drink water our physical health would deteriorate and fast. And it turns out emotional health takes time out too. It takes effort. It's not just a state of being that you either are in or you're not because something is wrong with you. It's more about practicing an emotionally healthy lifestyle. And that's available to anyone who wants it. Anyone can have more emotional health by adding in emotionally healthy practices. Just like anyone who wants better physical health can have more of it by adding in physically healthy practices. And even if you have an existing medical or mental health condition, even though you may never be the paragon of health, the healthy lifestyle practices will be that much more important for you. Diabetics have to mind their diet more. People with an anxiety disorder have to mind their stress levels more. It's just kind of how it is. If you don't, there are consequences for that. And the other thing I do want to make sure to say because I know some people will hear this and immediately think that this means that their abuser could change. I want to make it adamantly clear that unless someone wants to change, like truly wants to, they will not. They absolutely will not. It has to be something that they want for themselves. It can't be because you asked them to. It can't be for you. I hate the idea that if someone loves you, they will change for you. Nuh-uh. That's not sustainable for change. It's not a realistic idea. It has to come from a deep internal desire to change. And maybe one of those reasons they want it is for someone, but ultimately the only way it's really going to happen is if they want it badly enough. Because making these changes is hard. It takes a lot of work. Most abusers don't even acknowledge that what they're doing is wrong. It is incredibly rare for an abuser to change. I want you to hear that very clearly. It is better to say that they do not change period because that is how rare it is. And it's not good to give people false hope. So I want to make that very clear. Like I've just described all the work I've done and am doing to not be in the cycle of violence. But I've never been at the level of an abuser. I've never been anywhere near the level of what my ex husband did to me. My emotional outbursts, while still something inappropriate and that should be addressed, were not nearly at his caliber. And I've always taken responsibility for my actions even when I am in the cycle. Even my most toxic behavior, I've owned that. So I don't want you to look at this and think it is the same thing. It is not. And that wasn't the point of me sharing this with you. I'm sharing this with you because at some point, you might find yourself doing a similar thing. And I want to share with you how to deal with it. And make sure that you know that it's not just you and you aren't a monster and you can deal with it and you can change your behavior. Alright, my friends, that's what I got for you this week. Until next time, be well.