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The Inviting Shift Podcast
Embrace the authentic, confident you so you can feel good in your skin and have deeper relationships. The Inviting Shift Podcast focuses on how we step through this messy journey of life confidently so we can feel good about how we show up, have more connected relationships and connect to purpose and meaning. Or in short, how we manifest the lives we crave in practical, tangible ways.
The Inviting Shift Podcast
S3E5: Navigating Relationship Dynamics in Midlife
Are relationships meant to be effortlessly smooth? Join us as we challenge this common misconception with our special guests, Amy Stone and Hannah Blackburn. Amy, a transformational life coach for step-parents and blended families, shares her journey of blending optimism and naivete in forming a new family. Hannah, a transformational somatic coach, brings her expertise on helping individuals regulate their nervous systems and overcome internal barriers to achieve their goals. Together, we explore the significant impact one person can have on altering relational patterns, even when facing resistance.
OUR GUESTS:
Amy Stone is the founder and creator of Stepparent Success School and Imperfect Adulting. Amy understands that being a grown up can sometimes be tougher than expected. It can be a little scary to ask for support when it comes to questions about our families. In her own experience “adulting” she sometimes struggled to find the education, support and community she was looking for from traditional experts. Eventually she came to a realization that became a pillar of her businesses…sometimes the people who give the best advice are not professionals like doctors and lawyers but rather those who have shared in a similar experience who are willing to mentor other adults by sharing.
Amy began by creating specialized resources for stepparents. A lot of people fall into the category of identifying as stepparents but unfortunately there is shockingly little support for stepparents. Today she also offers a group subscription connection community called Imperfect Adulting.
Website here.
Hannah Blackburn is a Transformational Somatic Coach, specializing in embodiment and nervous system regulation. She helps ambitious people find their true purpose in life by shifting fears and doubt, so they can more easily step into the most authentic and magnetic version of themselves and live the life they have always dreamed of. Connect with Hannah for a free call.
Website here.
HOST:
Christina Smith is a life coach specializing in confidence and self-love in midlife so that women can finally truly like themselves and how they show up for themselves and their relationships.
CONNECT with Inviting Shift & Christina on Social:
Instagram | Facebook
FREE GIFT: The Confidence Tool Kit is here to help you walk into the second half like a queen (because you are one already). Get it here.
Email me and tell me what you think: christina@christina-smith.com
TUNE IN wherever you listen to podcasts:
Welcome back. This week we are talking about relationships and I'm very excited about this conversation because I really really could use it this week. As I was looking through my notes and bringing up some thoughts about what I might speak about, what we might speak about, I was just like, oh oh, this is, this, is, these are the things that you would give your clients exactly what you need, christina. How peculiar that that always seems to happen magically and some kind of synchronicity. Anyway, I have with me Amy Stone and Hannah Blackburn and we are going to talk about relationships and midlife and how relationships shift.
Christina Smith:I think that I know I had this dream that I would have girlfriends from like my teenage years and then have them forever, and it's like I can't. Even some people are very lucky to have childhood friends. My husband has a whole group of them. I do not have any of those friends. Our lives changed, and so that just shows how relationships can change, and it doesn't have to be bad. Just is, you know, the changing thing. So, without any further ado, let's just introduce our guests and have them introduce themselves. Hey, amy, how are you?
Amy Stone:I'm good. I'm so happy that you're here. Yay, all right, my name is Amy Stone. I live in sunny Miami Florida, which is not so sunny today, and what I do these days is I have a transformational life coach for step-parents and adults in blended families Really, basically any adult who has a family and is looking for more pleasure and joy and less stress, right? So what does that mean? What do I do? How do I? How did I get there? I have you guys. I have a bunch of kids. I have two stepkids. I was a stepmom before I was a mom. I did you talk about relationships, which we can talk more about that I went into that situation with all of the optimism and positivity and naivete that you can do as a 24, 27-year-old person. I thought I was nice, they were nice, what could possibly go wrong? And then, to make that situation even easier, I very quickly added two more kids, love kids, love family. Gotta say they never, ever, ever simplify anything is my master advice there.
Amy Stone:I don't make anything easier and simpler, and so I'm excited to have this conversation Today. I very much fall into that category of midlife right smack in the middle, proudly Gen X, and trying to reconcile the reality that my favorite songs are now being played at the grocery store.
Christina Smith:Classic. They're on classic radio. Now I heard it the other day. I was like this is classic radio and it was like Billy Idol and I was like classic.
Amy Stone:Am I classic? I'll go with that. I'm classic. We're now classic. There we go Officially.
Christina Smith:Yeah, yeah, thank you, amy and Hannah. Welcome to the Inviting Chef podcast. Yeah, thank you so much for having me. Yeah, tell us a little bit about you and what it is that you do.
Hannah Blackburn:So my name is Hannah, I live in London and I am a transformational somatic coach, so that means I help people regulate their nervous systems and achieve goals that they believe that they can't achieve, and achieve goals that they believe that they can't achieve by shifting fears, blocks, doubts, essentially anything that's held and stored in our system. So it could be trauma, it could just be old belief systems, it could be ancestral, it could be you know wherever we picked up all these beliefs from? And so, yeah, I help people shift the stuff that's in the way, essentially helping people get out of their own way so that they can really attract and create the life that they desire, because I think there's a lot of people out there who do not believe that they can have what they want, and I believe that anyone can have exactly what they want. There's just a method and a yeah the tools, I suppose, to get there that are needed.
Christina Smith:Yeah absolutely, and I love that, so Cause we were even talking about this before we started recording about how, like, I get clients that come to me and go. What's the point of working on relationships, christina, if I can't get the other person to go to therapy with me, or I can't get the other person to do what I think that they should be doing Right? And it's like you would be surprised how much one person can impact a relationship, because if you're in this weird like do loop of getting angry and in a bad space, or you have the same argument over again, if somebody breaks that cycle, the other person has to respond differently, because you know, keep go ahead, keep yelling, but I'm going to walk away. Well, that person's not going to keep yelling, right, we're going to have to find a new way to communicate if I'm going to walk away, and every time you're yelling and you yell a lot. So I mean we can make a huge difference.
Christina Smith:I think what it comes down to for me and I don't want to go into this too deep because I want to talk about why relationships change, but they're hard. I think we expect them to be easy all the time and that we're just going to show up and it should be happily ever after. Isn't that what happens? You meet the Prince Charming, you marry them and things are just smooth, kind of Amy, like you were saying in your intro, like, of course, we're all nice people, we can get along. Doesn't that make a family?
Amy Stone:Well, right, that's where the movie ends, right, the movie ends with Happily Ever After, nobody gave us the book. That's like, what does it take to make that happen? And one of the crazy things that I think about a lot now, looking back over several decades, is that surprise, right, that surprise that it was like, well, I thought this was supposed to be easy and I actually thought that being a child was the piece that maybe trained me to be a parent, which doesn't turn out to be true. In my experience. They're two different experiences, right. Being a kid trained me to be a kid. Being a parent is how I learned to be a parent. Being a step-parent is how I learned to be a step-parent, and that has been a crazy, crazy realization for me.
Amy Stone:I've had, like I have these, I call them the moments where you look for an adult to your adult, where you find yourself in a situation where somebody expects you to do something. Like you know, fix the plumbing. Like, deal with a clogged toilet. You know a leak. Like you know, fix the plumbing like deal with a clogged toilet. You know a leak. You know, continue to do the laundry. And you're just like how am I the person who's in charge of this and you like look over your shoulder like shouldn't there be somebody else that I can? Where is the adult to your adult to tell me how to do this?
Christina Smith:Fortunately, that is your circus and those are your monkeys.
Amy Stone:It's the most painful realization. In the middle of the night it's like wow, my circus, my monkeys.
Christina Smith:Yeah, and it's lovely too, I'm sure it is no. Of course, lots of beautiful moments. We're not taking that away, but that's that's what we mean, like even like, oh, you know when, when we were young, we were like oh well, I know exactly how I'm going to parent and I'm going to do it perfectly, and this is what my parents are doing wrong, and I'm never going to do any of those things or say any of those things or make my kid feel this way. And it was like yeah, right.
Amy Stone:Well, one of the. I don't know if you experienced this, Christina or Hannah, but one of the craziest things that I have realized as an adult is when I was a teenager, I thought I was delightful. You guys, I thought I was delightful and then, being in the situation where I'm living with other small people, I have come to this stunning. I watch them do things that I myself did as a child and I think to myself, huh, not at all fucking delightful. I'm so sorry I just cursed on your show, but it's like. It's like I see them do it and I was like, oh, you know, I don't think I was maybe as delightful to live with as I thought I was. I was delightful to my friends, but I'm pretty sure that my parents and my aunts and uncles and grandparents were like, wow, we are looking forward to this person growing up a little bit.
Christina Smith:Yeah, yeah, we call them the huff and puff ears with my stepdaughter. Huff and puff ears, yeah, those were challenging, you do?
Amy Stone:you do have a lot of control of how you experience it, right? So you were saying, if you walk out of the room, you know it makes it harder to people yell at you. And one of the things I've learned is the other part of it, which is like sometimes you learn not to walk into the room, right? It's like, oh, if this person is not willing to meet me where I am, then the shift that I can make is how much I'm willing to put myself in the firing line. You know and I think Hannah was talking about that a little bit before we got on the thing it's like it changes how we want to see our life, changes how other people, how we allow other people to interact with us yeah, exactly, and I obviously you guys are talking about this like on the behavioral level, because that's like the obvious sign of things.
Hannah Blackburn:And then there's the like energetic side of things, like when we start to change how we feel about our own sense of self-worth, and I think that's really interesting as well, like the way that relationships mirror back to us, our sense of self. Ultimately, like, the stronger we feel in ourself, the more able we are to set boundaries, and I think it's really interesting that people, how people react to boundaries when they're not so spoken, let's say that, when they're not so overt, when the boundaries are more so, this is what I'm going to tolerate and, just as you said, actually, amy, it's more like I'm going to choose not to enter the room. That's kind of an energetic boundary. That's kind of like I don't even need to tell you, but I'm just going to allow you to feel where I'm at with this and I think that's really powerful as well. Right, that kind of, yeah, showing people how you want to be treated. I think it's super powerful, yeah.
Christina Smith:Right. I mean, when I think about it, like there are certain people they don't have to tell you your boundaries, you just kind of behave around them. You know what I mean? We kind of respect that just because we can feel that. And then there's people who we do have to set the boundary with, and it doesn't mean that there, that there's anything wrong with that, it's. It's really easy for me to be like hey, um, I think I just set a boundary the other day with my husband, but it was spoken. It was like hey, when I'm in my workspace and you come in, you're like emoting stuff. Could you just give me a warning? Like I would love a warning. If not, I might have to stop you and take a breath or something, because my brain is here and that is really hard for me to do that. I'm not really a good switcher. I have to like I need a moment and a breath, and so just having those boundaries and my husband's really good, we're really good at hearing each other and doing our best.
Christina Smith:Right, we don't always succeed but doing our best. But boundaries are something that we don't like to speak. And even before that, how about? Like? One of the biggest tips I have for people and it sounds so ridiculously simple is asking for what one is really important. And and I know this is kind of flipping over, but I think so often we like miss so much communication or we have to have so much communication and you know, miscommunication just because we're not asking for what we want. We go about it in different ways, right, amy?
Amy Stone:Yeah, specialist, but establishing or reestablishing the connection between my body experience, my like somatic experience of living, and you learning to use that as cues to figure out like, what do I want?
Amy Stone:and what is important to me and also you can maybe. What do I not want? Like, oh my gosh, this react, my body is reacting to this in a physical sense, and what does that mean? And trusting, creating the safety and security, like the skills to create for yourself the safety and security to be able to speak up for that um and to lean into it, um and and. And.
Amy Stone:The other side of that, which is, you know, often more urgent, is um is learning that transition from child children give that responsibility to the adults in their life. It's the adult's responsibility to create safety for a child. Then you magically become an adult and if you don't figure it out, you will still give that authority and the power to the other people in your life and you may not realize, but you will give your boss and your boyfriend and the homeless guy on the corner. You just automatically assume that they are in charge of creating safety for you, which makes it very hard to ask for what you want, right. And then trusting yourself and saying, no, it's okay for me to stand up and say I actually don't like it when you walk into my office or hey, I don't want to talk about politics with you it upsets me.
Amy Stone:Or, by the way, this meal that you make every Thursday night, I think is disgusting. You know that one probably doesn't go over as well in a family as the others but, you know like that that process and seeing putting it all together, it's, it's complex and the cues are confusing.
Christina Smith:Yeah, what I loved what you said about that was I remember one time I walked into my husband's office while I was talking to him and I was just like, hey, you don't spend enough time with me. And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I was feeling really small in that moment, I'm sure. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I was feeling really small in that moment, I'm sure, and unimportant and all of these other things, and I just like, and he's like what is it that you want around this, though? And I was like what do I want? I want you to make me feel loved, Like. And he's like yeah, and how can I do that? And it's like right, right, so what is?
Amy Stone:it that you want? What am I?
Christina Smith:asking for and it took me a while to be like actually I want one night a week where there's no phones, no other appointments, it's just us and we don't have to do anything fancy, but just that we have dedicated time for each other and it's just connection time. Connection time that was an easy ask. I mean it wasn't easy at first because my husband was a really busy man. So for him to tell people once a week that he wasn't going to have any calls, any meetings, nothing was a lot for him.
Christina Smith:But at the same time, getting me to the point of like past that emotional barrier, I guess that's part of the energetic right. It's like the somatic healing is like trying to pull. What is this underneath all this motion? What is it that I actually want and need? Because let me tell you, it was a lot easier when I could just be like here's exactly what I need, and then he could be like yes or no and not just be like, oh, I'll try to make you happy. I mean, that's just a ridiculous request when you don't know if that person doesn't know what they want and they can't ask for it and I always get from women, but they should know.
Amy Stone:I will admit I have not ever found that the people in my family can read my mind. I wish they could, but I have never found that. And the other thing to dovetail into the theme of this podcast, christina, is I think that that changes. So what I wanted from my partners when I was in my 20s was completely different to when we had a bunch of small children, and now that I'm looking at empty nest it's totally different. Right, it was like when I was in the chaos of small children. I wanted, you know quiet time, you know at home and or maybe girlfriend time, and you can get caught in the ruts, right, like you can do the same thing over and over again for years and then you have to rethink it and be like why does this no longer make me happy?
Christina Smith:I love that. Yeah, it does. It does change. It doesn't mean that we didn't know. It just means that whatever we had before doesn't fit. Hannah, how are you feeling about this? You're like on the younger side of the midlife, so I'm curious of your you know thoughts about this and the energy no.
Hannah Blackburn:Listen to you both. I have so much to say on this. Like I, I love the topic of boundaries. I find it so interesting and just off the back of both of what what you were saying about feeling into the yes, feeling into the no. This is something that I've been doing quite a lot with myself recent next year as well as clients. It's that because I think we, when we think of boundaries, a lot of the time we think about what don't we want, is that there's that real sense of like right, I'm going to tell you how I feel and and this is what I'm not accepting but sometimes we forget to feel into what the yes is like, what we're a yes to, and I think they're both as important as each other. So I think, just feeling into both of that, like how is the body reacting to the no, the yes, and also how is it reacting when we say no, because a lot of the time we don't give ourselves permission to say no because there's these fears around well, if I say no, then I'm gonna lose this person If I say no, like all these kinds of stories that we create about it.
Hannah Blackburn:So it's been really interesting for me on my own personal journey because I think for the most part of my life I'm 31 years old, I'd say for most of my 20s.
Hannah Blackburn:I know most of relationships in our 20s are a bit of a shit show, but I just feel like my 20s, I never was able to ask for what I needed and for what I wanted.
Hannah Blackburn:But I never knew that that was the case. You know, until doing that work I just understood that that's how relationships went, that I just had to repress and I just had to kind of accept if something didn't feel right. But I think back then I was maybe so numb and disassociated I didn't even realize that that was the case. So, having done this work, it's really interesting to notice how my relationships have started to shift, as I've started to find my yes, find my no. I'm still not there yet, like I still haven't quite met the emotionally available man. I still keep attracting these men who are not available to my needs, and so it's just showing me okay, well, I've still got work to do there. I've still got work to do because maybe I'm not so certain about my yes or my no as I thought I was. So it's just using these relationships to show me and show us like where we're at in terms of our development.
Amy Stone:I think that's really I think that's a really grown up description of what you're going through Like. So my experience in my 20s to 30s was a little bit different. In my 20s I was really able to pretty much solve things by myself. I was like I got this, like I didn't find myself saying yes or no to things because it really didn't matter. I was like, yeah, I can do this, like this is not a problem. And then I, when I jumped into a family, I was like, yeah, I can do this, like this is not a problem. And then I, when I jumped into a family, I was like, oh my gosh, I cannot do all of this All of a sudden. It was very impossible and I had never practiced that like getting you know, getting support and asking for help and all of those things, and it was like a two by four to the head. My 20s.
Christina Smith:I just I just put a question up in my Facebook group that was like what would you have called your 20s if it was a book?
Christina Smith:And mine was like cringe the red flag collector, I definitely was not listening to my body, the yes or a no. I even got really physically ill in my 30s because I had not listened to my body, really physically ill in my thirties because I had not listened to my body. And in the meantime I'm getting into these relationships that I had no business being in whatsoever. Um, and because I didn't listen to my body and it really took me even though I got sick in my thirties and started healing that it really took me into my forties before I was able to really feel that yes or no. And now, like I set intentional words with my clients. So if it doesn't feel like this, whether that's a relationship, a situation or whatever, then it's probably not for me or aligned with me. And I think that that's where you're going, hannah, right, like starting to, like really get to what is the energy I want to be aligned with.
Hannah Blackburn:Yeah, and there's actually a point that I've just realized that I kind of want to mention, because we were talking before about this idea of safety, like sourcing safety. And I think for some people listening they might be like well, what the hell does that even mean? And I think it's also a point to note that what feels safe to some people is just what's familiar or to all of
Hannah Blackburn:us right, it's just what's familiar. So so for me I've always attracted relationships that have never served me, that have never. You know they've been nice in the beginning but that they haven't really nourished me and I've never really got what I needed from it. But they felt safe at the time. And so I suppose the point is like, how can we, you know, if we are attracting these relationships, what in us is creating that Like, what is that familiarity that we're attracting and sometimes like addicted to?
Hannah Blackburn:I suppose if you've got an anxious attachment style like me, so I'm addicted to that kind of chase and I can now be so aware of it, I probably will still have that addiction until it's cleared it. I probably will still have that addiction until it's it's cleared. And when I say addiction, it's my, my nervous system is just attracted to that type of person. Um, but yeah, I just think it's an interesting point to make, because it's like the safety kind of has to be cultivated. If it's not there and I guess for a lot of us it isn't is it like we've all had pieces missing? Like both of you were saying before, there's no such thing as perfect parenting. We're always going to miss something. There's going to be a little bit of trauma somewhere for the children, but we just can't help it, can we like it's just life so yeah yeah yeah, I think that's a.
Amy Stone:I mean, I think that that's like a whole master class, like in, you know, picking out your like, digging into your origin story and figuring out what are the things that you don't actually want to, what are the things that feel familiar, that we misidentify as the safety we want as adults? Right, because sometimes it is safety. Right, we want to repeat that friendly, fun thing that we had as a kid, and on other times it's things that we don't, but we don't realize it because we didn't, we didn't identify the discomfort or we weren't taught or we weren't supported in it. And there's levels of that, right, like there's like things that are not really a big deal. And then there's like honest abuse and people who are, you know, stockholm syndrome, right, and so there's all kinds of things in there. And then, like, so there's identifying it, becoming aware of the pattern and the awareness that, oh, you know what, even though I really really like this chocolate ice cream, if I eat the whole container I will feel like crap. So it's like picking it up and then going through and trying to reestablish other things to get what we think we want.
Amy Stone:And that the next phase, I think, hannah, is like when you figure out what you think you want, it feels the opposite of safe. It feels like you were jumping off a cliff or at the top of a rollercoaster hill, like you're like all right, so what I think I want is this wonderful relationship with this person. But then when it shows up in front, if it's something you've never had before, it feels the opposite of secure. It's like danger. Danger, will Robinson, danger.
Christina Smith:Yeah, I had no like, not no, I had limited personal interpersonal skills. When I met my husband, I think he, like I knew that he was the kind of man I wanted to be with my this is my second husband, but I knew the kind of man that I wanted to be with. But when I was with that it was like, oh so he's just gonna hold boundaries and I'm gonna have to figure this out Like I'm gonna have to do my own work. I'm going to have to like, if I want to be with somebody I think this tails off of what Hannah was saying is like our energy will shift and then we'll attract different people. And I think that that is so relatable, especially in midlife, because a lot of us, you know, shift friends. I had a couple of friends where I'm just not friends with them in the last year, even though we were like really really close before that.
Christina Smith:And I think, as we shift, we don't need to feel bad about, like Amy was saying, you know, not even going into the room anymore, not picking up the phone or not texting all the time, right, we don't really have to feel bad about that. That's just energy that is not no longer in alignment with what it is that we need. And I mean, I'm not saying that we can do this with every relationship. Obviously there could be different boundaries. I have boundaries with my mom. I talk to her several times a year and that's where our relationship lives, because that's what feels good to both of us. If we wanted anything else, we would ask for it, but that's what feels safe for us in that relationship. So I think that relationships can change and I know this is true and I hope it's true because I want to build more relationships and more connections. And I don't know, has your experience been with like friendships?
Amy Stone:You know, I think that's a fascinating topic right now because I am personally in a spot where my friend group is probably in a place to change Like. So for the last 25 years, I've been connected to various parent school groups through my kids, right, and that is like a constant fire hose of opportunities to connect with people who are parents of same age children. Right, I'm about to be an empty nester and you know, if you like, Hannah has not lived through this yet, but you don't always have actually a lot of stuff in common with the other parents in the school groups. Like, your only connection is that your kids are in the same school.
Amy Stone:But you know it's like now I have the opportunity to reinvent and shift things, and I don't even know what these people are going to do, like I hope to travel and and do these fun things, and you know like we can, it's going to shift. It's going to totally shift people. Some people are going to do completely different things and, um and I actually am very excited about it Um, a lot of people who are in the same spot of me are like feeling anxiety and trepidation. Um, because they really they feel safe and comfortable in the parent bubble, the school parent bubble, which is good, right, that's totally that's where they are.
Amy Stone:I think that one of the classic examples of that sensation so Martha Beck describes this as the empty elevator, when you're transitioning and the people around you are not, so like you're in a full elevator, but then it empties out because people step out and then you're in it by yourself and you've got to figure out how to fill it back up, and so I think that's kind of a fun visual, but it's something that we always go through. One of the big places that people go through this is if they change habits from something that was destructive and then they need to change their circle to support their healthy habits right. The other one that people see and Hannah might be seeing this in her age group is when we partner up, some people break off and have families and they don't socialize anymore with people who don't have children, right, like we're as much.
Amy Stone:It's that weird. You know you go through that age period where you're going to 50 weddings a year. You know you're broke because all you have to do is buy wedding presents. And then some people have families and kids and other people don't, and they don't do the same things. Like your single friends call you and they're like, hey, let's go to the Bahamas for the weekend. And you're like I have little people, I am not available.
Christina Smith:Yeah, so it changes when we have children. Often then it also can change when we no longer have children and that's where, like, women tend to struggle because they're like how do I, now that I'm an empty nester, how do I meet new friends? And it's like you actually have to go out, be social.
Amy Stone:I know you have to people with the people. You have to do the peopling to meet the people. Yes, you have to do the peopling to meet the people.
Hannah Blackburn:Yes, yeah, it's interesting what both of you are saying actually, because I feel like I'm at that age where some of my friends are married and some of them have kids, but very few. I feel very fortunate actually that a lot of my friends are probably quite far off having kids and I have quite a few single friends, I would say, which is quite nice. I feel like I'll be entering that period at some point, maybe in the next few years. But it's so interesting that we're having this conversation because I was literally just thinking about this before the call.
Hannah Blackburn:I didn't get panicky about it, but I had this moment of like, oh god, like I can feel that certain friendships are starting to change and certain people are like our relationships are not the same, and there was just this kind of like genuine fear actually that came up of like shit, like I might lose some of my really close friends here, and I hope that to not be the case, and I guess it would not. You know, relationships will naturally shift, but there was like a genuine fear there of like I can sense that things are changing and it's that like fear of change, isn't it? But also like not wanting to lose those friendships.
Hannah Blackburn:And I don't think I will have to. But I suppose it's one of those things where some people will naturally just leave from my life and I'll attract other people who are more on that same vibration. So it's that kind of being coming into acceptance, of letting go of what was. I guess there's. I'm in a weird transition. I think I'm in a weird transition where I think I'm having loads of breakthroughs and I can feel myself really about to have a quantum leap and you know when you can just feel I don't know if either of you can relate I feel like I'm on the cusp of big changes and maybe some big shifts and it's kind of scary actually but the unknown right, the unknown is always a little scary, I think.
Christina Smith:Oh no, I think we uh lost amy to a storm, but we'll keep talking see if she can pop back. I was just thinking, as, as, um, you both were talking, where's my mouse? Um, I was thinking about what's really yeah, she's back. What I really loved about that was, uh, so we talk about these friends that you have to leave behind. But what's been really lovely for me is as I've been on my growth journey.
Christina Smith:I was working really closely with an organization called woman within and I I developed new relationships, um, with women who really inspire me, like I remember sitting on the board going, wow, these women are so cool and half of them are my friends. So I don't want to, I don't want it to be like doom and gloom for midlife. I want us to remember that there's there are a lot of really awesome relations. There's a lot of people that will get on the elevator right, we just have to, we have to find them in the right places and we want to, um, we want to, you know, not just jump into safety, but you grow a relationship. Is what I've learned over, you know, the last 10 or 15 years.
Christina Smith:I didn't have really great relationships when I was young cause we moved so often, but like I've learned, you grow the safety. There's friends that I was only like acquaintances with for like eight years. Then all of a sudden we hung out more and I trusted them more and we did more things together and it was like. So I feel like, even though I've had to let go of some relationships that hurt, I have stepped into a time that feel really good, they feel inspiring, they feel really collaborative and like supporting each other and you know really pushing each other, like supporting each other and you know really pushing each other. I have great coaching friends. I mean I just I feel really, really blessed and, with that being said, a lot of that was because I chose that I went and had women's circles. I went and was social. When there wasn't what I wanted in an area that I moved to, I created it so that I could meet more women. So I have incredible relationships.
Amy Stone:And I think that you deserve a gold star for doing the work to create what you wanted because that is a lot easier to say than it is to do Like it really takes courage, right? You know it's like. It's like all right, this is what I want. And then you have that like middle school cafeteria moment where you're like is anybody going to come? Like, are people going to? Like, am I going to be the only person who comes to my circle? You know it's, it's, I mean person who comes to my circle. You know it's, it's, I mean it's, it's, it's beautiful, it's beautiful. And I think that what I want to sort of give you credit for and show you as an example of a transformation is that you are the example of creating the community that you wanted. You are the example that it can work, that if you that the risk is worth the reward, that it's scary at the beginning and it's hard work, but that you, when listening to you talk about these amazing relationships that you've created, is like I mean awesome, awesome.
Christina Smith:And it did take work. I mean, I just want everybody to know like it's not like I was, like I hosted one event and suddenly I had best friends Like the the friends that I have are from all over the place and but we, we also do the work of like hey, we have a date each one of my friends because I'm so nomadic. Uh, we have a date every month that we're going to meet on that night. If we don't meet on that, I mean we can always renegotiate it, but it's set on the calendar so that we are ensure that we are connected every month and we have great conversations. Um, and so, yeah, it's really again, no, no, easy happily ever after. You kind of have to create your happily ever after.
Hannah Blackburn:Yeah, totally, I think. I think, um, I've definitely started to create those kind of friends. I think coaching friends are like the best kind of friends, because you just get each other on a different kind of level, don't you? Especially when they're going into this like deep, transformational work? I think it's for me it's like that it's probably the age group that I'm in as well.
Hannah Blackburn:It's that kind of when things start to shift, like when people start to get into serious relationships or when people start to have children, especially like my best friends and I'm the single one, so that of course there's kind of those thoughts. You know that there's. There's natural thoughts of like things are starting to change and I'm starting to change. So it's that kind of transition period where I absolutely trust life and I know I have the most amazing future ahead of me. But I just feel like it it is a bit difficult at the age of 31, actually to like be going through this transition period and having to let go of things.
Hannah Blackburn:It's kind of, yeah, just letting go of what you once knew and just being comfortable in the unknown. I think for me that's not always been easy. It's kind of it's a bit unsettling. So I imagine in the next like five years things will start to settle, because I imagine I will myself be in a serious relationship. That's what I see for myself. But it's just one of those things, isn't it Like single amongst loads of people in relationships. It's a funny one.
Amy Stone:Well, it is. That's why they make all the rom-coms about it. Like, in every rom-com, there is the, you know, there are the people who are not coupled up. There is the friend who is the, you know the, the bestie who plays the wing person who makes the rom-com hilarious. They're all you know like. But you know it's not, it's not easy. It's like we don't live in a movie, right? So, even though it would be fun actually, that's one of the things I always like when people are thinking about this, sometimes I will be like I'm like if your life was a movie, but how do you want it to play out? Like you know, how do you want this story to be retold of you in your situation right now? You know, and that's especially helpful when I'm talking to parents who are like, what I want to do is scream at my kids and I'm like, okay, so if this was a movie and we were replaying it, how do you want the story of you fighting with your kids about Rice-A-Roni to be played back?
Christina Smith:Right, yeah, no, absolutely. How do you want to have been known to show up, right? What does that look like? And yeah, so we're talking about family changes and I know that there's so many 30 to 60, that's like your entire um ages 30 to 60 is like, and letting them go and doing other things, and so there's so many changes that happen that I find amazing. Now, luckily, I only raised one kid full time, because I don't know how I would have done with a whole Brady bunch of family members. That would have been a lot of kids for me, really took a lot of energy.
Christina Smith:And what I love about I love empty nesting and Hannah, you may not have much to say about this, but I know that Amy will I have so much to say and how it changes, not just your relationship with you, know, your kids, cause you're no longer that full-time mom we're still moms, but we're not full-time but how it changed my relationship with my husband, because we had all this time and then, right when my kid graduated, or the year that he was graduating was was the pandemic. So then it was like it was really just us and we had been the Southwest, so we were away from both of our families, so it really became a little interesting. Let's say there was so many transitions there at one time and I guess what happened with us is I would love it when he would go away for a weekend to do men's work or whatever. I'm like you want to be away for a week to see your family. Absolutely Like, leave me alone.
Christina Smith:So there's a little bit more freedom and we're not fighting for time like we were.
Amy Stone:That is I mean not that this is your experience, but that is like, statistically that's the biggest. That's where people are getting divorced now, like what do we call it? Silver grade divorce or something is the fastest growing thing, which is basically women and men who have done the job of raising the kids, and then the kids launch and the parents are like I never want to see you again. I'm moving across the country. Goodbye. Thank you so much, and not that that's what you know. That's neither here nor there how it is. But I do think that that is one of the most interesting challenges, because if you're going to live to be a hundred right, and your kids move out when you're 55, you know you're looking at 45 years with that same person, you know. So, um, I am right there with you.
Amy Stone:The other day this is a story from this week I'm not an empty nester yet, but I walked into my house and my husband had spilled coffee on the floor, somehow walked through it and hadn't noticed, and there was a trail I don't even know how that's possible, I literally don't understand this and there was a path from the kitchen to his office of coffee colored feet and I was like what happened here and he's like what are you talking about? I don't know. And I was like, did you spill the coffees? Like I don't think. So. I was like, oh my God, and in the moment I was like deeply craving, like I was like I look forward to a day where the only messes that I will clean up are the ones that I make. You know like, and I don't actually look forward to that, like that, you know, it's like bless the mess and I'm happy for my family, like it's beautiful. But I was just like, seriously, how, like, how, why is this? You know, how do you not know?
Christina Smith:And I understand that because we just we were living alone for five years and now and now we moved in with family because aging parents and whatnot and uh, just like hannah's been saying, you know nothing and and you also like nothing like being in close relationship with other people and know where your energy is and what's going on and seeing all of the stuff, seeing that mirror part of us and being like christina. What's going on? And seeing all of this stuff, seeing that mirror part of us and being like Christina. What's that judgment about? Can we let that go? And you know, with my husband being in his childhood home, that changes his energy as well. You know like he's got a lot more young boy energy in him than he did before, for the better or worse depending on the day.
Amy Stone:So you guys are, you guys are in his childhood home. That's gotta be super fascinating actually.
Christina Smith:Yeah, about uh, two other three other full-time people and three other part-time people that come and go and we're close to his family so they drop in whenever they want. So it's a lot different life than we had where, like you know, we were so secluded. We had some friends wherever we were going, but it was really, it was really just us and he would go away and I'd have alone time and I mean we would have friends, visit and stuff. But he like yeah, it was. It's a much different setup now.
Christina Smith:So, um, so, which is why I was looking at relationship tips and what would I offer people and the one that came up that I just texted my husband before this was we have to look at conflict differently, that it's not you against me, it's us against the problem, and I think that so often when we're in an emotional disagreement, we forget that. We forget that we're actually on the same side. It's not you that I'm arguing with or fighting here. We're trying to approach this problem. We're trying to win over this challenge that we're having.
Christina Smith:That's what we're looking for and for me because probably because the way I was raised, it's so easy for me to go into I want to make this other person wrong instead of well, what is the actual problem? And let's get through the emotional stuff so that we can see what is the actual problem, what do we each want out of it and how can we best make that happen, if it's possible, but I think so often we can get. I mean, you can see it in the politics in the United States too. It's just like if you don't believe what I believe, you're absolutely wrong, and it's like that's why we don't solve anything, because we're constantly fighting each other instead of working with each other. How can we actually, let's you know, focus on the problem, not on bringing each other down or poking or whatever?
Amy Stone:And I just want to say that is one of the best times to bring in a third person to help you through it, because when you're in the bottle, it's very hard to read the label from inside the bottle, right? So, like when you're emotionally attached to the problem, I mean you have a lot of skills, christina, you've got a lot of talent, you've got a lot of knowledge. For you to work through that with your husband is, you know, is a lot of work, christina, you've got a lot of talent, you've got a lot of knowledge. For you to work through that with your husband is a lot of work for you.
Amy Stone:For most people, they're living through this feeling like there is no other option and a third person a coach, an advisor, a counselor they're the people who can rubber duck for you, like, bounce back to you and be like you know, hey, this is what I'm hearing, this is what you're doing and try to redirect you to being problem focused. Right? So it's like fighting over who will take out the trash, right? If you harp on it with your partner like that they're doing it wrong and they need to do it your way, you can have that fight forever and the trash will never get taken out. You have to like actually stop and say okay, we actually need to talk about how we're going to get the trash out of the house, and I just want to offer compassion and grace for people who don't see it, because I think that when you're in it, you know it's really hard to see it.
Amy Stone:Yeah, I once had a country session with a person which was an entire hour about potatoes Like a kid had eaten potatoes that wasn't their share and it was an entire hour of working on it because she was so hurt by the situation. And when you think about it, it's like oh, it's just the potatoes. But one of the things she kept saying to me she's like I'm so happy that you're not saying it's just the potatoes, and I was like dude, there are a hundred times in my life in the last year that I've been pissed off about things like potatoes. Like I get it that this is. It hurts right.
Christina Smith:It doesn't do me any good to tell you it meant to her and how it must have been intended that way. You know all that garbage and I think you were about to say something.
Amy Stone:If I was, I forgot Hannah weigh in.
Hannah Blackburn:I'm deliberately single, but it's why I'm kind of I'm I'm very much a stand for being single and not settling for relationships.
Hannah Blackburn:I suppose not that that's what I'm getting from, from what either of you are saying, but I was just thinking about it and I was reflecting, because I've decided to dedicate the next six months to kind of dating myself and I think it's one of those things where, even though, on the one hand, I'm looking at all of my friends in these relationships and they're getting married and having kids, like I don't really envy any of that.
Hannah Blackburn:I'm kind of like that's cool, you've got your own little thing going on. But I just have these big dreams of what I want my relationship to look like and I'm more than happy to kind of be over here doing my own work and eventually whoever it's supposed to be will come by, kind of be over here doing my own work and eventually whoever it's supposed to be will come by. So it's just kind of all of this churning up just how like relationships can be, so much ego and so much drama when the people aren't doing their own work or the people don't know how to do their own work, you know, and I think it just reminds me of how, like, what the kind of relationship is that I want. Right, and it's not to say these sorts of things won't come up, but it's like your ability to heal together, I think is the most important thing. Right, like how you make up and how you mend.
Amy Stone:And I just want to say like, okay, so when you're a kid, right, everybody you know has parents and so your world is just everybody, that is, parents and kids. But a lot of people like a lot, a lot, a lot of people have very, very full, totally enriching lives and they are not a part of that. And it's weird because it does become this very tight circle of react. Kids are a huge amount of work, so you surround yourself with other people who are going through this monstrous job of raising all these little people who are not good at following directions.
Amy Stone:But I, about half of my friend group, are people who are child-free by choice. Some of them are married, some of them are not, and they the number of times that I'm envious of the freedom of my single friends, my single child-free friends, I mean a lot, a lot. It's a great life. I'd never want to be a person who offers that up, that the only path to happiness or the only path to satisfaction and joy is through that one singular relationship or by filling up your house with small versions of yourself or by filling up your house with small versions of yourself it absolutely isn't.
Christina Smith:And, hannah, bravo to you. Yes, because I got married at like 23 to what Dr Phil would call a starter marriage. It taught me a whole lot, but let me tell you, the paperwork wasn't worth it.
Amy Stone:It's an expensive way to learn it.
Christina Smith:It's an expensive lesson that way. And after that marriage I was like so set on who I wanted as a partner and my friends were like, oh, you're just a man hater. I'm like, I'm not a man hater. So one night I went home and I wrote down all the requirements and I was like, if it ain't this, I want nothing to do with it, Cause I'll do better on my own. I'll be okay on my own. This is exactly what I want. If I can't get that, I'm not getting it.
Christina Smith:And like, years later it was like we were moving in together, me and my current husband, and I found the list and he checked every single one. And I found the list and he checked every single one and I was like, see, he wasn't being picky, I was just because it wasn't like he's got to be 6'3 with dark hair. It was more like, you know, I want somebody who's doing their work, I want somebody who's going to take my son in like as if it's his own child and not because I talked with Amy on her podcast about my step parenting experience and it was challenging at best. Um and so I knew exactly how I wanted, what I wanted for my son, what I wanted for me and yeah, and it all came true. So take your time, manifest the thing that you want. It's not worth it in any other way. It's not a happily ever after. It's going to be work. If it's work before, it's going to be work after.
Amy Stone:But I love that you clarified how you made that list, because I think we've probably all known people who make the list like they're going to the grocery store, like you know this height, this color hair works at this company and it's like, and that you know those things might shift right, those things might shift and change, whereas, like, the more character based stuff is key.
Christina Smith:Yeah. So, hannah, please take your time, choose the right one. It all comes in your own journey. And absolutely, amy, I mean women do not need to be married or attached or have kids. I mean they can do that in any combination they want to do these days, and so you know, allowing that to be.
Amy Stone:But that's so easy to say, a lot harder to do because the so what are the words we use? The socialized message that we get about our value as women is still very much that. You know, we are defined by the person who chooses as a partner. We are defined by their social status in the, in the community. We are defined by how our kids show up and intellectually we can know that that's nonsense and it's really really important, I think, for self-actualization and self-growth to understand that we are our own individual people. But I give true weight and honor and verity to the challenge that is actually living that life. You know, like it's like. You know just, you know it's just, it's really really hard to walk that walk Cause that that is. It's like a fire hose of shoulda, shoulda, shoulda that has been forced on us for a long time.
Hannah Blackburn:Yeah, I think it's a journey defying. That, isn't it?
Amy Stone:I'm coming out of that.
Hannah Blackburn:I think, yeah, I think it's a journey, defying that, isn't it? And coming out of that, yeah, yeah, all the norms, like I think it, and I think it's definitely changing. I think it's just obviously as a as a worldwide thing it's gonna be. You know, we've got some progress to make, but I suppose it's an individual thing, isn't it like?
Amy Stone:we just change, we change ourselves on an individual level and then it starts to trickle outwards and I I mean it's like right, so humanity has been around for however long humanity has been around. I don't even know that I didn't pay enough attention to history class. Like it took a while to get these longstanding things. The idea that it would like be fixed between when I turned 12 and 150, it's probably unrealistic. You know it's, it's. It's a little piece here and a little piece there and tying it into the social circle relationships. A piece of this is finding the circle of people who have the same worldview as you, right, so like, if you want to lead a life as a feminist, independent, empowered woman and you find yourself with a social circle of trad wives, you're going to feel a little bit out of sync with that group. You know, like that's, you know that's that's. You know you gotta, you gotta gotta exit stage left and find your people.
Amy Stone:No judgment right, no judgment which one you want you know, but yeah, yeah yeah, absolutely All right.
Christina Smith:So let's just wrap up maybe one piece of wisdom or takeaway and how people can reach out to you. So I guess I just want to reemphasize ask for what we want. I think it's one of the most romantic things somebody could do. I know that we think it's romantic when they just know magically what it is that we need. And let me tell you, you can take so much work out of the relationship if both of you ask for what you want, because then I don't have to guess, I can just do that and you can just do exactly what I have asked if you're available for that, and we don't have to do the whole guessing game. So that's my wisdom.
Amy Stone:So one piece of advice I think that I'm going to use Hannah as the example, right, because I think that one of the most powerful things we can do is, um is take the time to allow the noise to drop, to ignore the noise and and get to know ourselves. Right, and she used the word dating herself, but it is intentionally cutting off the things that are influencing us, that may be distractions, and creating the space to listen to ourselves so that we can make the list that Christina is talking about, so that we can do the stuff. It can be hard to know ourselves, and so that sounds lonely and stuff, but it can be hard to know ourselves, and so that sounds lonely and stuff, but it's not. It's the most exciting, amazing thing. When it's like I want a chocolate milkshake, I'm going to go get a chocolate milkshake because I'm listening to myself. It's a really, really powerful thing to do and I think it can be done.
Amy Stone:So I'm Amy Stone, life Coach for Step Parents and Adults and Blended Families. The name of my company, you guys, is Amy Says so, because I'm a little bossy and that's where I share all of the things that I make and create for people and I have lots of free stuff there. You can go and get it and that will tap you in to let me tell you all about the fun things I'm doing.
Christina Smith:Thank you. Amy and Hannah, and all the links will be below for these women so that you can connect with them.
Hannah Blackburn:Something that I've been reminding myself of quite a lot when this is. This could be for, like, personal goals, professional goals. It could be for attracting relationships. It could be for creating something in a relationship, and it's like who do I need to become to have the things that I want to have? Like, what, if I'm wanting to attract, say, it's a man who has all of these different qualities? It's like, well, am I embodying these qualities myself? And it's like, well, if I'm not, then how do I expect someone to you know, to attract someone of that same type, I suppose.
Hannah Blackburn:So I think it's always just looking inwards If we're dissatisfied with what's going on outside in any part of our life. It's like, well, what is it in me that I'm dissatisfied with, or what do I need to change about myself, my views? You know my worth, whatever it is to actually have all of those things. So, yeah, it's a constant reminder for myself. I've got it on like a little board I look at every day just to kind of bring myself back to that when I, when I lose myself slightly. Um, and yeah, the best way to find me is I guess you'll have the link to my website in your, in your notes.
Hannah Blackburn:But yeah just my website, wwwhannahblackburncom, and all my details are on there.
Christina Smith:Awesome. Yeah, all of your information will be below, so go connect with these beautiful women. Thank you for being on today, thank,
