Perfectionism: The Hidden Dangers and How to Overcome it

Are you tired of constantly chasing the illusion of perfection? Struggling to keep up with the Joneses on social media? As a new mum and business owner, I often struggle with these pressures, and I'm here to tell you - it's time to free ourselves from the hinderence of perfectionism. 

Ever wondered what life would be like if we embraced our imperfections instead of battling them? Here's a promising revelation - imperfection can be liberating! Join us as we explore practical strategies to overcome perfectionism, from letting go of minute details to understanding its root causes and celebrating imperfect action. We also delve into the importance of giving ourselves room to make mistakes, and the dangers of making sweeping generalizations. 

To connect:
Email: youdoyouhunpodcast@gmail.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/youdoyouhunpodcast
Facebook: Search 'You Do You Hun community' 

As always THANK YOU for listening to the pod, if you have a minute to rate/review/share I would really appreciate it!

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hello, hello and welcome to the UDU Hum podcast, a place to provide you with motivation, direction and for me to be your very own cheerleader If you are looking to move from where you are now to where you need to be. Keep listening, because I am going to share with you the tips and tricks that I have learned along the way from my 10 years experience in mental health. This podcast is sponsored by my god damn self, so if you are looking for home sense and affordable fragrances, look for Splendid Bliss on Facebook or Instagram. But for now, let's begin. Hello, hello and welcome back to another episode of UDU Hum. I hope you are well. I hope you have had a fantastic week.

Speaker 1: 0:36

I had a really good night yesterday, me and the mums from the antenatal group. We went out out and it was so lovely to actually just be quite present and in the moment. I have had this tendency at the moment to be going out and my mind is racing, I am thinking about things, I am thinking to get back to Anderson quite quickly, but it was quite nice to just be in the moment and quite still and quite present. So, yeah, loved it. I obviously think the Yeager helped, as you know, excuse me, I love Yeager, so that definitely helped. But it was fun, it wasn't intoxicated, it wasn't drunk, I was absolutely fine, just had a really good evening. But when you wake up the next day and you are like, ooh, new crowd, have I overshared? I had the beer fear of everybody, definitely. I even wrote in the chat and I was like, oh no, I have got the fear. So thanks to Sheela for replying and letting me know that it was absolutely fine and I am good. And do you know what? It is so funny? Because I never feel like I am oversharing on the pod, probably because I never actually see anyone. And it is so strange because then when people come up to me and say, oh, I have listened to your podcast or I like this episode, I am like what? There are people listening to this and, like I said before, sometimes it is quite difficult because where I am talking to the laptop, I do find it challenging at times. So do let me know if you are listening to pod, do interact with me, because I like to know that people are listening and I like to know that it is helpful. So there we go.

Speaker 1: 2:09

So today, what I want to talk about is something that I think a lot of us, and even more of us, are struggling with, which is perfectionism, and the reason why I thought this would be a good topic is one because I am definitely guilty of falling into this category, and I am someone that believes I should be doing this, I should be doing that, and if I am not, I go back to thinking that I am a failure, that I am failing. So, obviously, I have had a baby recently. He is nearly five months, on the 12th of December, and I am managing being a mum. I am managing with my business, my mental health training business, I am managing my perfume business. I am managing this. There is a lot going on, and there have been times I have sat back and go. I am not giving enough to my company, to mental health training, or I am going to think, oh God, I am not as good here. I am not as good here, and the reality is I am not going to be, and since my priority, he is the guy that I am going to go to first and everything else has to wait. But in the moment, sometimes I can get in a little bit of a panic about it and be like I can't do it all and I need to do it all. And if you have sat down and said to Andy, I am jumping from one thing to the other thing, there is no space for creativity or business building as much, and we will wait, because actually I am going to change that thinking very quickly, and you get into a space of thinking I am without, I am not doing, and you get yourself in a little bit of a panic really. So that is what I want to talk about perfectionism, because I do have this kind of view of how business should be, how I should be, and actually, when you really think about it, what I'm doing is absolutely great. It's probably even better.

Speaker 1: 4:02

So when we are talking about perfectionism, we are talking about individuals that believe they have to have 100% accuracy with something, or they have to, you know, execute things with absolute precision. Is that the right word? And essentially there's no room for error here. They have to be the best. They have to turn up the people who are perfectionists you know they are really big on the little details to say they've got a right, they're releasing a project, they're looking really closely at what the leaflet looks like, the fonts. You know intricacy of details.

Speaker 1: 4:41

Everything is being looked at and analysed and there is a research study and that's looked over 41,000 people and what it has shown is that perfectionism is increasing over time. So perfectionism isn't even going anywhere, it's getting worse, and the reason why is because we've got social media, we can compare a bit more and there's a lot of pressure to keep up with everyone. You know in terms of what materials people have. You know, you hear the saying don't you keep up with the Joneses? And I think that's really relevant. A lot of people feel like they've got to keep up, have the latest trainers, cars, etc. And you know a lot of people are in debt for the items that they have. Not that you know. There's nothing wrong with being in debt if we're all in a down way. But you know we look at people's lives and we think they're a certain way, but we have no idea what's really going on, do we? Because you know the only life we really know about is our own right. So when we're talking about perfectionism, let's have a think about why it holds us back.

Speaker 1: 5:46

Okay, so you can be a perfectionist in many areas of your life. It can be the way you look. It can be what you eat, it can be how you exercise, it can be how you show up at work. You know you can be a perfectionist about tasks at home. It can be anything. But the question I want to ask you is does it hold you back? Is there a time when you don't think it's helpful to be a perfectionist? Because I know that, for me, perfectionism definitely held me back.

Speaker 1: 6:16

Perfectionism is something that has stopped me in my tracks, and things that I've wanted to do I didn't do because I thought that everything had to be absolutely perfect before I got going. And actually, when you start looking into building your career and doing something new, you realise everyone is just winging it. Okay, there are a lot of people that are just winging it, that get a contract, that decide they want to do something new, you know, and they're just winging it. They're just working with it. You know they're not going into every step. They're like right, okay, let's set this business and then everything else will come into place.

Speaker 1: 6:54

Okay, so essentially, why does perfection, why does it hold us back? Well, essentially, when we do strive for excellence all the time, when we think that we have to be perfect, what happens is we strive in for this level of perfectionism for so long and we're not getting it. Okay, because nothing is perfect and no one's perfect. And essentially what happens is so we strive in perfectionism, it's not working. We then don't feel good enough and then actually what happens is that becomes really unmotivating. What's the point? You know what's the point? I keep feigning everything. I can't get anything right. What's the point in me doing this? And then what happens is you're less likely to work towards your goals. You're less likely to, you know, go out or work towards something, because you've got to think what's the point? I'm not good enough, when actually you're doing just great and you're doing just fine, okay. So essentially, we need to embrace our limits. You know that's something that we really need to do. We all have limitations and that's not always a bad thing.

Speaker 1: 7:56

Why it also holds us back is because it distance us from other people. You know, if we are coming from a stance where we have to be perfect, everyone has to be right. You know we can't. There's no room for error. That can actually be quite intimidating to other people. It can be quite intimidating to other people and it can also mean that you have quite high expectations, obviously, and there's no room for mistakes. You know there's no room for mistakes and if you're not sharing any of your mistakes or what you've gone wrong with and all that, that could be quite frustrating. You know, for people that you work with, for instance, you know I hold my hands up very quickly and say, oh look, sorry, I messed up there. You know a really powerful to just say didn't do that, right, because we learn from our mistakes, right. So that's essentially what we do.

Speaker 1: 8:40

Being an affectionate also reduces our effectiveness. You know we're losing the ability to kind of work on something, to move on, because we're spending time on pointless activities that don't actually matter. It doesn't keep us moving forward. So that's the last one. Being affectionate stops you in your tracks, like I said to you, it keeps you right in your own lane. It doesn't allow you to explore, to move forward, to grow, and it's really important that you recognize affectionism isn't always going to help you. There are some positives. You know you've got something where you are very, you have a lot of tenacity and you're working hard and you're highly motivated. But unfortunately that doesn't continue a lot of the time when it comes to affectionism. So something to think about. If you are quite perfectionist in areas of your life, does it help? Do you need to change it? You know, I'm going to show you today some ways of doing that, and I wanted to talk about my situation, so I spoke to you about it at the beginning of this podcast and how I've been feeling.

Speaker 1: 9:39

Oh no, I'm not doing enough here, there and everywhere. And, for instance, my mental health training business okay, so that's my, you know, bread and butter, that's my full-time income. Okay, and before Anderson, you know I'd be up here. I'd be doing like nine to five and you know I'd have more time on my laptop open and things like that. However, because I have Anderson, what's happening now is when I have things booked in, my mom and dad looking after him, and then I'm rushing back to him okay, and then I'm fitting in emails here and everywhere when I can, fitting in meetings when I can, and a lot of the time I feel like that's not good enough. I feel like it's not good enough to do that, but then when you look at the results of that, okay, the results are I've had multiple contracts come in for one year, two years and more. Okay, I'm doing well financially, I am working hard and I'm getting speak to new people and I'm getting myself out there.

Speaker 1: 10:41

So actually my perfectionism screams that I need to be on the laptop nine to five doing something, because that's as if I'm working towards my goal. But actually just because I've got my laptop open doesn't mean I'm achieving anything, and actually I'm achieving probably a lot more now than what I did before, because time is precious and I'm fitting things in and I'm getting things done quicker. I'm using my time more efficiently. So actually, the person who's a perfectionist that's saying that I need to be here, I need to do nine to five, money to Friday, that's bullshit. That doesn't mean that's going to always work for you.

Speaker 1: 11:14

I'm actually finding that this is working well for me and when I get them, niggles are saying oh, I'm not doing well enough, I'm not doing good enough. I remind myself that I'm doing fucking brilliant. You know I'm a full-time mum, so I'm managing full-time and his work full-time so I'm with him. But then when I'm on training, my mum and dad downstairs looking after him, or if I've got a day's training, then I've got childcare. But I am essentially the full-time mum. So this week I had two days out and then I'm there.

Speaker 1: 11:42

So it's interesting, isn't it, what your brain does and how your brain can be quite manipulative and share that you're not doing well, you're not good enough, and actually that's absolute rubbish. So if you have been like that with yourself right now and you're saying I'm not good enough and not done this like or done that, take a beat, take a breath, have a minute and just remind yourself how incredible you are and how much you're achieving, especially if your mental health isn't strong right now and you've had a lot of adversities or, you know, stresses, whatever it might be, you are strong, you are powerful, you are doing it. I'd just like to break now for an ad. This podcast is sponsored by Laura Burke training and consultancy. That's right, my mental health training company. So if your company needs mental health, I say, or workshops around mental health, I'm your girl. I am here to provide tools and techniques to staff to help them improve their mental health. So if you'd like to find out more, go to wwwlaura-burkecouk. Thank you.

Speaker 1: 12:40

So now let's think about a solution Perfectionism I've highlighted to you how that doesn't help, how it can hold us back. But what's the solution? Then you know how do we change? How do we become somebody that doesn't care as much? And actually it's not even that you don't care as much, it's that you're allowing yourself to realize that being a perfectionist, having everything 100%, doesn't help you at hand to shoe, it doesn't bring you to where you want to go. It actually just makes you feel quite shit about yourself and it actually holds you back from where you need to be. It makes you slower, it slows you down. So let's think about this Number one you need to relinquish control over the small things.

Speaker 1: 13:16

You cannot control everything. There is lots out of your control and once you realize that, you will realize that it's very hard to be a perfectionist if we can't control. So you need to realize that every element of your life, or how you look, or whether, or anything like that very much out of your control. All we can control is certain things about how we think, feel, behave, essentially. But even that you know that's based on what people bring to the table. So it's really important that you don't sweat the small stuff.

Speaker 1: 13:45

Essentially, you realize that I can't control it. You know what's the point. You know there's no point getting stressed over it. There's no point getting angry. You know, if someone lets you down and they're a part of a project, what can we do? You know they're off-stik. Whatever it might be, I'm going to just have to wing it or work with it. You know it could be something like you've got someone in to do something for you and it isn't how you wanted it, but actually later on you realize it's even better. You know, sometimes affectionism is that voice telling you it's never going to be good enough. You're not going to ever be good enough, and that's quite hard pill to swallow sometimes.

Speaker 1: 14:22

Number two find out why you're a perfectionist. Where does it come from? If you really ask yourself that, why do I have to be perfect? Why do I have to be perfect For me, my looks? I had to be perfect because I hated myself. I absolutely hated myself. I needed to try and make myself feel better. So if a hair was outlined or make up or something like that, I wouldn't feel good about myself. And I know that no matter how much I look in the mirror, I'll put makeup on or anything like that. It doesn't really matter what's going on on the outside, it matters what's going on in the inside. So think about where it's coming from Perfectionists. It might be that you think you're not good enough or you've got a fear of failure. All of them things could make you feel that you have to be the best. You have to get this right. You have to make sure that your work is 100%. You have to make sure that you're 100%. Have a really deep, rooted conversation with yourself and find out where this is coming from.

Speaker 1: 15:24

Three focus on imperfect action. It's okay that things aren't perfect. It's okay that videos aren't as polished as they want to be. It's okay. I mean, look at this podcast, for instance. I don't even edit it. I don't even edit it. You know why? I don't really know how to. I mean, I know the basics.

Speaker 1: 15:41

Now, if I say something silly, I do cut it out or do delete or whatever I've got to do. But, to be honest, I haven't got the time, I haven't got the energy, so you just get it raw and actually, what's wrong with that anyway? So here I am showing up being imperfect, because who cares? You're here to listen, you're here to get the goods. It doesn't matter if I say something wrong or I don't know sneeze or something, whatever it might be. So have a discussion with yourself and say what errors of my life can I be imperfect? What errors of my life can I show up and say, do you know what? That doesn't matter, you know, it might even be.

Speaker 1: 16:19

I saw someone on their stories said something about their tree, their Christmas tree, and they said that, you know, every Christmas they let their kids decorate it, but then they see it all the time and then when the kids go to bed they will redecorate it. Okay, because you know it annoys them. Get it For this year. No, you know, let the kids have it. This is what they've done. That's an example of perfectionism and how and what have not been perfect and going. You know, throw that out the window. What is the harm in that?

Speaker 1: 16:47

Four, give yourself space to make mistakes. You are only human. A lot of the time we are perfect because we think that we have to be and we're these robots and we're not. You're human. You know you're going to make mistakes. That's the brilliance of you. You know you're not boring. You know if we've never made errors or did anything wrong, it'd be really boring, wouldn't it? You know it's quite funny sometimes when people make mistakes, or not at anyone's expense. You know when they're laughing with you. Okay, but you know, sometimes it can make things better, you know, make a room more bright, whatever it might be. So it doesn't mean that if you make a mistake that you're a failure. It just means you're human.

Speaker 1: 17:28

Okay, and steer away from generalized conclusions, okay, so things like so for me, if I let my foot off the pedal, my business is going to fail. That can be one. It might be for you, you know, if I don't have straight and tear, I'm not going to look nice. Okay, you know it might be. If I don't go to the gym five times this week, I failed. You know what is it? What is it resonating with you? Where is this perfectionism coming from and what are you feeding it? Okay? So steer away from the generalized conclusions and, last but not least, please recognize nobody is perfect. Nobody that you know is perfect.

Speaker 1: 18:07

You might be looking at people and think, oh, they've got perfect life, they've got this, they've got that. But don't remember you only see a snapshot of no, but please remember, I meant to say you only see a snapshot of someone's life. You have no idea what's going on in someone's life apart from your own. So when you are comparing yourself with someone. It's a very biased example, because you know everything about you and not a lot about them.

Speaker 1: 18:29

And don't forget when people on social media and they're posting things right and I've definitely done it Me and my husband had a great day out, you know, whenever it might have been. And then now I'm putting the picture out. All smiles look all lovely, but we're arguing. We're now arguing, but I want to put the picture up because I want to save it for the memories. But obviously I'm going to forget about the argument and remember about the nice time we had. I don't know the zoo, whatever it might be. So that's something to really consider. You are perfect being imperfect. I'm going to leave you with that one. Thanks for listening. Bye.