042: How to Overcome Anger and Family Trauma

The podcast explores a personal incident where Stephen lost his cool with his children during a family outing. He reflects on the triggers and emotions that led to the outburst and discusses the underlying dynamics of anger and stress within his family history. The conversation delves into the nature of emotional reactions, the importance of managing stress throughout the day, and the need for intentional focus and perspective in challenging situations. The hosts emphasize the significance of acknowledging and releasing pent-up emotions to prevent future outbursts and maintain a broader perspective on life's challenges.

They also discuss the difference between limited viewpoint and focus, emphasizing the need to recognize when emotions limit perspective. They advocate for practicing techniques to avoid emotional triggers and release built-up tension, highlighting these as lasting solutions for personal growth and peace of mind. The conversation encourages listeners to cultivate these practices proactively rather than waiting for emotional challenges to escalate.

Connect with Mike Chang:
- Instagram: @mikechangofficial
-Youtube: Mike Chang
- Website: www.flow60.com

Connect with Stephen Yeh:
-Instagram: @iamstephenyeh
-Twitter: @iamstephenyeh

Transcript

Stephen: [00:00:00] So last weekend, I had an incident with the family. I lost my cool with the kids. And, it happens from time to time, especially once you have multiple little ones. It's, it definitely has changed the game in terms of intensity and keeping just your alignment and your cool within yourself.

Especially when I was younger, I had just a lot of anger and rage inside and. Throughout the last few years, I've really worked on releasing more and more of that. So I don't carry it as like my normal state, but it did pop up this weekend. And what happened was I had a little bit of a rough night sleeping.

And then in the morning time, it was already getting woken up to kids crying. And it's like, Oh man, okay. [00:01:00] Little bit difficult to start the day with that, but okay, let's manage. And, uh, it was on a Sunday. And so we started moving throughout getting prepared, putting on clothes, brushing teeth, all of that.

And afterwards we decided to go on a little adventure. So we ended up going to a Sunday market. And at first it was, fine. We're checking out the different stalls, but , having two little kids, one, three and a half, another two year old kind of running around wanting to look at different things.

It's a little bit too, too manage in those situations. Another thing, it was just very, very hot. It was really hot and I was sweating and I could feel the heat inside. So after maybe about an hour or so. of Browsing round and there's a bunch of people around and trying to make sure that the kids are all okay.

There came to a point where, yeah, I was just getting a bit agitated inside and [00:02:00] all of a sudden, Aaliyah, my little girl, who's, with Anya, my partner, she just started crying and bawling and she was on the floor and Anya was also just a bit stressed and she's like, Oh, I can't carry you anymore. And then I was just standing maybe like seven, eight feet away.

I see this happening. I could feel inside that I was starting to feel quite frustrated because you know, it's There was this whole situation going on and I've, already been agitated for quite some time throughout the whole day. Then all of a sudden an outburst came out and I was like, just pick her up.

If you're not going to do it, I'll do it. And I let that out and I could see my peripherals. Anya had a much better picture. Cause She, was looking around, but like a section of the market, like almost like just went into everything [00:03:00] froze in that second. And then I walked and then Anya picked Aaliyah up and we started to, leave the market.

And after I left, I was like, man, okay. There's still some, well, for sure, there's still some of that residing and it comes up in those points of stress and intensity. And, , there's this continuous, continuous refining because I used to have those a lot more and a lot more frequent, but it's less and less now.

But especially with kids, it's just another level of game that comes up. And I'm a bit, not really, um, regret. I don't really regret doing it. It's just a part of the, you know, the, the refining that needs to happen. But it did show me that there is aspects of me that still needs to be. Refined, refined so that I [00:04:00] have more control in those situations where I'm not reacting so much.

And, it was just a fascinating experience to kind of see the different emotions that was running through me at that time as well. 

Mike: Before would you have, , went over there and threw one on each shoulder and walked out? 

Stephen: Yeah, 

Mike: well, I mean, once I, once 

Stephen: I 

Mike: I would imagine you'd do that. 

Stephen: Yeah, Anya, Anya, like, you know, she was tired and she's like, I can't pick you up anywhere.

And then once I shouted, like Anya's energy, like shot back up, picked her up and we were on our way. Right. But it was, you know, cause there's so many different lessons inside of there, , because the thing is like, I can tell that a moment like that, there's a certain power that you feel and I've, learned throughout the years.

Like, uh, I understand. Cause in some ways it feels good, at least for me , I'd be feeling [00:05:00] good kind of experience where it's like, , I'm going to manipulate my environment right now and it can happen like right there in that moment. And, uh, I've, and it's funny as well.

Like I literally went maybe 25, 30%. But it still can have an effect where people are like, Oh, I mean, in general, you know, it's, it's a little bit shocking. And so people kind of get into a little bit of a freeze mode and you can see it around. It's almost like in the movies where. It's just silence and then you move throughout 

Mike: and to feel like we have control to feel like that moment where we got what we want.

We did something, you know, we reacted, we did something and it worked. I think that's the sense of power, that sense of that gratification, whether it was yelling, whether it was making a commotion or any type, you know, whatever it [00:06:00] was. But the fact that we express something and our intention worked, right.

I think that people do gain a sense of gratification from that. I think they, the thing that you realized, you know, and a good lesson here is. The emotions never, we never lose capacity to have them, that will never go away. We're never going to lose the capacity to have anger, fear, worry, guilt. The capacity to have them, we're not going to lose because it's in our nature, but how often we have them.

I think your story is, one that's really relatable. I think it's just something that we go through every day. We experience a little bit of stress, and then it builds up a little more. And at some point, we don't know when it is, but it just gets to that, point to where we can't handle [00:07:00] staying calm anymore.

And it needs to explode. And then it does it in different ways. For you, you yelled and, uh, and did that. For someone else, they may go and do something aggressive or punch something or kick something. Or somebody may just drop down and just curl into a ball, or somebody may just walk off and not say anything.

There's different ways that people are expressing that. But the fact is, once it gets to a certain limit that we're not able to handle being calm, we as human beings will express in the way that we naturally express. and That's like that for every person, what we need to do here is to release this tension, release these pent up emotions as they're building up because days like this are going to happen, you know, and if we don't release it, then at some point we're always in a gamble.

We're always gambling that whatever we're going through throughout the day is not going to be [00:08:00] stressful enough till it doesn't hit the top. Right. It's like , I wake up this morning and I need to last throughout the day without exploding. But if I got a really tough day, then maybe I won't be able to last.

So then I need to be able to release. The first thing is I need to release the emotions, release the tension throughout the day. So when they do get accumulated, because we're facing some challenge, we're able to let it go. And ultimately we need to both practice not getting triggered. Practice not accumulating the tension and emotions. And if we were to, we also practice releasing it. Between those two things that would really help decrease, the amount of times that something like this would happen.

And I think you mentioned that this is not something that happens really often anyways. So it's just kind of a surprise for you. Like, oh yeah, it's still there. Way deep in there. Just kind of came out. Yeah. Because when would you say it was the last time that you reacted that way with, Anya and the kids?

Stephen: I mean, for sure, there's still certain stress [00:09:00] levels that come up around the kids, but I think that was a good size, bigger blow up than usual, right? And especially , in just an outdoor setting as well, where there's other people rounds where. , just watching, just observing the mind in that situation as well.

You can definitely tell that where I, was noticing that I get into a different state, right? I, I become almost like a different person where I was like, I don't give a fuck about anybody else. This is what I want happen right now. Right. And then, so it's like, Oh, okay, of course there's that trigger. And then it, it goes back throughout history.

It goes into kind of my family dynamics and how they also in general, my, family had a lot of anger and rage inside. And so it brings back and ties back memories of, my mom and dad fighting. Or, you know, I'm, it's funny because I'm like the calm one in the [00:10:00] family, right? Like, and so I grew up in a place where my brother and like, when he hears it, maybe he even enjoys hearing about this is like, Back in the days when I was growing up, he would have like extreme outbursts and it would, we would be in restaurants and something would snap inside of him.

And he's, he's like a much bigger guy than me as well. He's like five 11, maybe 200 plus pounds. And he has that, that kind of gangster look to him. , and when he shouts and he goes, I'm going to kill every motherfucker in here. And you can see the whole place, just dead silence. Of course, you just threatened the whole entire place.

Nobody's moving.

That's wild. And so, so it's like experiencing that growing up, like I was more of the timid, quiet ones, but then Maybe [00:11:00] just through osmosis or genetics or whatever it is, like I can experience some of that within as well. And that's been a journey for me to shed, shed, shed more of that because I don't want to pass it down to the kids.

Like, I don't, you know, you 

Mike: mentioned about how , this reminds you of like the family, uh, what happened before, but what's really happening though, is when we have these, fearful emotions, when it's being experienced. Our world shrinks down, our perspective, it's really focused, and our reality shrinks down into the perception of that fear, of that emotion.

If it's anger, then all we are seeing is the anger. All we are seeing is a certain perspective of the situation. In other words, we get really focused, but this focus is similar to when we are to focus on a certain task. So much so that we forget everything else, right? We forget to eat. We forget [00:12:00] about the time.

We forget about. All the other things going on in our life, we're focused on this task and we're getting it done. That focus is very similar. The difference is the energy that's behind it. One is coming from emotions. We're emotionally charged and that gets us to focus. In other words, we can say we are fear driven and it gets us to focus.

While the other one, we're not charged by our emotions. But we are intentionally choosing to focus on that particular task on that particular situation. The difference between the two is one is voluntarily. One is something of choice and the other one is not. When we are experiencing these fearful base emotions, our world shrinks down.

We can't expand it out. We don't have the capacity. It's like we can't see it. , it's like we wear blinders. [00:13:00] And we can't see it while the second is almost like a camera lens, and I'm going to tap this little square and within this little square here, I'm going to focus on that little square, but at any point I can zoom back out, but I just want to zoom in right now in that square and just see everything there, but I can zoom back out.

I have the option to choose when somebody is emotional, they can't. That is the biggest thing, but both are very focused on what's happening to the point where nothing exists and if we're fearful and we're being very, angry and so therefore nothing exists and now we're going to react.

And all we're thinking about is just this situation, nothing else. And therefore, it doesn't allow us to see the ripple effects of our actions. Being focused when we're doing work has the same thing. I'm going to focus on right now, regardless of all the other things that are happening, all the, I'm just going to focus on getting this done.

But the difference again, is that we can zoom back out whenever we like. The [00:14:00] other we can't, we have to actually let go of that emotion. If not, we can't zoom back out. It's like a person who's really upset, who at any point can let it go and then see the situation in a, another perspective and then zoom back in and get back into, you know, being focused.

They, we can't do that if we are emotionally charged because the energy that's circulating in the body, it creates. That limited perspective, which we could call focus. Another way of explaining this is, , when somebody is really emotional, they can't seem to see other possibilities.

They're really scared. Let's say they experienced a breakup and this person just left them. And now they're thinking, what's going to happen in my life. This is so bad. This is so bad. And you try to tell them everything will be fine. Six months from now, you know, everything's gonna be fine. You moved on and life is fine.

There's no problem. They hear what you're saying, but it's not registering. They can't see it. All they can see, right, is this emptiness in their [00:15:00] life, this lack of this person missing, right? So then in other words, they're limited in their perspective. And I think that's really fascinating between emotionally charged and being focused.

Or we can almost call it, uh, focus is almost a, a wrong term. It's almost like a limited viewpoint. Which in reality, what's the difference between limited viewpoint and focus? Right? Let's look at that point. What's the difference between, I choose to look at that point, or my viewpoint is limited, all I can see is that point anyways.

You see, but they both have a very similar outcome and I think that's really fascinating. And it's important to remember because when we're charged and we know that we can't see, we are limited in our perspective. At least that helps us not react as much, even though we can't see outside of what we're limited to see.

But knowing that I can't see everything, I've got blinders on. So I don't, know what's outside of what I can see right now, [00:16:00] besides the fact that I know I'm limited, but going back into what, we were talking about is releasing, , not letting it build up and also not letting

the tension and not letting the emotion build up and also learning on how not to be triggered in general. I think those two things is the real solution because everything else are just going to be band aid solutions, like trying to change this person, change that person, manipulate the situation.

They're nice, but they're all band aid solutions, temporary, and we'll never be able to depend on them to last.

Stephen: So in that case, what would you say would be the lasting changes? What are the things that people can do to make a lasting change? 

Mike: Well, I think those two things, the first thing is learning how to not get emotionally triggered when things like this happen, right?

The kids are screaming or, people are saying things that are disturbing us to not get emotionally triggered, to [00:17:00] learn how to do that, which dives into multiple layers, right? Dives into many different things on how to do that, but to accomplish that now we are in control. We're not dependent on trying to control what this person says, trying to control the outcome of what people are doing.

We are able to practice having a sense of mastery over ourself. So this way, no matter what things are happening, we are not being triggered by it to practice that. And also in the event that we do get triggered to practice letting go of that emotion that is building up or letting go of the physical tension in the body.

And never letting it hit that peak where we would explode in some type of emotional expression. That's the key. This takes time and people often don't focus enough about this until it gets really bad. So I'm always trying to encourage people whatever you're going through right now in your life, if you have had strong emotional charges [00:18:00] before, if you felt how it's like to be stressed, to be angry, to be fearful, then don't wait until it gets really bad, learn how to go and do these two things.

So that you're able to navigate throughout life much more efficiently. You're able to become a better version of yourself. You're able to have more peace, or you're just able to go and get more of what you want because you're always performing at the best, but don't wait. Don't wait till things get bad.

Practice these two things now, and that's where doing the daily practices come in. That's where practicing the principles come in. And this is a daily practice that takes time. It takes sacrifice, sacrifice, because we could be spending our time doing a whole bunch of different things, but taking that time every day and people are looking for this instant gratification.

But the fact is you put time in every day and you don't know, like you mentioned today, you didn't know that that was going to happen. You know, within the weekend, you guys went to the market lots of times, right? Kids scream and yell, right? That happens all the time, [00:19:00] but you don't know when you're going to experience this.

So by putting in the time on a daily basis, when these events show up at our weakest times, at our most vulnerable times, we're able to be able to perform these two things. And what would usually happen is we'll find that suddenly these events We almost never explode because we've got these two really, really effective ways to avoid something like that ever happening.

We constantly practice on not being triggered and we're constantly letting go of the tension and the emotion. Those two things, we can be doing it all the time. I literally do this every moment, every day, as often as possible. Even sitting here today, right now, before jumping on the podcast. I felt some pain and felt some stress.

I didn't get much sleep. My son Ryza was up and he was coughing and coughing and coughing. And so, you know, Natalia and I were, up for a lot of the nights. A lot of yesterday night [00:20:00] and the night before in the middle of the night, he woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. It was just really bad cough.

And we ended up, I had to take him out in the middle of the night. So I just had really bad sleep. It's been two nights now in a row. Today, I'm feeling it in my body. So then as we're sitting here and talking, I'm feeling the tension build up. And with the tension, I can feel this emotional stress building up.

So as we were having the conversation, I was simultaneously letting it go. So then on the outside, you can't tell everything, everything is fine. But on the inside, I'm very conscious of these two things that I'm doing. And so therefore, and so natural, , it's like walking and talking at the same time, you know, so it just decreases the, chances of it ever building up.

Stephen: I think, especially after you practice and train enough, it essentially becomes one of those things where you can do it simultaneously because it is a skill that you develop, just like how. If someone was just [00:21:00] learning how to drive a car for the first time, they're going to be really focused on just driving the car and making sure they don't crash, but after some time and after having enough experience, then it becomes almost like second nature.

And then you can. Start to integrate that into, you know, you can still put the Bluetooth on and talk to people or listen to a podcast or anything like that simultaneously, right? And, 

Mike: you know, the problem is that people think I'm going to do it 10 times and then why is it so tough? I've already practiced this 10 times, so let me give it a little longer.

People are so conditioned for this instant gratification. People are so conditioned for putting in a little bit of effort and wanting to get so much results that they forgot that where they got to, the things that they're good at now, they put in so much effort, so many years. And that's how they got good at the things they're good at now.

[00:22:00] And then they, to learn new things like this, they want to just instantly get it down. And then if they don't get it down right away, they think either I'm doing it wrong or maybe it doesn't work. And they just forgot. Cause I think if somebody really looks at it, the things that they're good at doing, they repeated it a lot of times I have, I mean, I do this every day, every day, ever since I learned how to do it, I do it every day.

And I learned how to do this, I've been now practicing this for over eight years, but I haven't been doing it for eight years because it took me about two and a half years to figure out what I need to actually do until then I'm trying all these different things, you know, so it's been about almost about six years now of doing this every day, every day, letting go of tension in the body, just like walking and talking, I do it as often as I could, it's just becoming second nature and then the other one is practicing on not getting triggered.

Okay. Practicing on not judging everything, practicing on not [00:23:00] taking it personal. And then, so now, I can do this anytime, anytime, anywhere, any situation. Doesn't matter who I'm talking to, what I'm doing, doesn't matter. I can do it. And somebody goes, I want to do that. Well, , start practicing. Now. And imagine how many times they would have to practice.

Everybody's a little different, but I think it's just going to take. It's going to take a little time and people lack the patience. So they got to just put in the time, put in the effort and just know that they're going to invest the months and they're going to invest the years, but how long are they going to be around for?

Right. I mean, how long is this person going to be surviving for? If we look at the age, well, you're going to be around for what? Another 20 years, 30 years. How old are you? Right. Someone goes, , I'm 40. Well, you can expect to be around for at least 40. 60 years technology, as we know, is increasing, which means we're going to live longer, right?

So 40 to 60 years now, how long are you willing to, have 40 to 60 good years? Are you willing to invest [00:24:00] six months, two years, right? Are you willing to invest two years, three years of your life to create 40 to 60 years of the best life ever? 

Stephen: And you're not even talking about full time either.

It's like just part of the day. Do your practice. 

Mike: Living, yeah, living life, doing the things and having life to be the practice ground and practicing these two things. I think when someone takes a, they take a step back and they go, well, man, yeah, of course, 40 years of, yeah. However long it takes, however long it takes, I'm going to keep practicing because I want this next 40 to 60 years to be like the best.

Um, and when they look at it like that, they let go of the idea, , of I've tried it 10 times and it's not working for me, maybe I'm not the right. Yeah. Silly, you know, it's just a perspective. Yeah. All right. So that's it for today's podcast. Hope you got a lot from that and learned a little bit from our [00:25:00] experience to learn how to let go of tension, to learn how to not be emotionally triggered, how to be centered, how to be calm.

You can find out more at flow 60. com. See you guys soon.