Creating a safe space for deep vulnerability with my love- TJ Drechsel

Hi guys! On this week's episode, I brought on my boyfriend to chat about one of my favorite subjects which is vulnerability! It's one of my favorite topics because it is very difficult for me and so many of us. We let you into our world and how we've been able to create a safe place for vulnerability. Because we believe that is the things that are the hardest for us to do that create the life and relationship we want.


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Transcript

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If you look at the goal. Of this is the picture of the relationship I want. This is love to me. This is, this is what that looks like. Then start there and back into it. And if you back into it, there are certain ways that you have to agree to now open up, be vulnerable. Show up, you can't react the same way that you might've in the past. For years, I struggled with toxic relationships and understanding my own emotions. I found myself repeating the same cycles with different people and living in victimhood. I am Maria, your host, and I specialize in self mastery coaching. I've spent the last few years working with various therapists in order to heal my own traumas and help others. This podcast is your dedicated resource for gaining emotional intelligence, nurturing self awareness, and cultivating healthy relationships. If you're prepared to master your emotions, improve your relationships, and create captivating self confidence, Then this podcast is for you. Thank you for listening and welcome to this week's episode. hey guys, welcome to this week's episode. I'm super excited to be talking about this topic this week because it's one of my favorites and the reason it's one of my favorites is because it's very. Uncomfortable for me. And I think it's uncomfortable for most of us. And I do talk about it a lot, especially on social media on Instagram. And that is vulnerability. And I figured that I would bring in someone extra special in somebody I've been practicing this with for a few months. My boyfriend, TJ they've. Good morning, happy, uh, happy last day of the year. I wouldn't say recording this. Yes. 31st. Cool. And what a fun topic, I guess, in some ways for us to, uh, go ahead and tackle as a, as a wrap-up to year. Yeah. Cause it is one of our intentions also next year to be more open, more vulnerable and, and just keep practicing that it's. It's kind of a muscle. It's like going to the gym. It's like anything else we have to practice and it's not always the sexiest thing to do. Yes, I was talking to you about this the other day. I was like, you know what? Vulnerability is just not sexy. Yeah, it starts off messy. It starts off being really uncomfortable, really awkward. I mean, I remember myself, I wanted that from partners in the past, but I wasn't willing to go there. I wasn't willing to actually look deep inside myself and, and be vulnerable with myself. And I do think it's a self. Exploration first, it's something you have to be able to do with yourself. Yeah, in order to allow that feeling and relationship or with either even friends, family members, Right. I think there's this deep connection that you can. Develop, if you're able to be vulnerable and open. And the reason it's hard for a lot of us is because it leaves us subject to be hurt. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, what does, what does, what our ability mean to you? Oh, good question. I mean, I like, I like your. I mean, when you, when you say it's an exercise, I think that's, you know, well termed phrase because, I mean, vulnerability is, is being open, right? And most of us. We've got a bunch of walls. And I've gone up per protectively and it's instinctive. I think we're human, you know, that happens automatically. But if, if it to be vulnerable means to take those down. And most of us don't do that readily. So it takes a little time to do that. But what I like to always think of it. What's our goal, you know, what do I want to feel in life and, and to connect to someone and to be open to someone. Um, You have to be vulnerable, right? I mean, that's, that's a large piece of it. Yeah, those depths, those deep pieces of ourselves that we want, where we really feel that true love that I don't think a lot of people end up feeling. And I feel like we live in a society right now that when it gets down to that point, you know, the year mark or when those walls start coming down, when your true, authentic self starts coming out and relationships. People get scared off because now they have to be Regal. They have to be open to have, to be honest, they have to ask those questions. They have to there's no more mass, right? Those walls you were talking about. I think you, you said that so beautifully is that we create these walls and it's usually from past pain from hurt. And when it's time to get vulnerable, especially now in this society, in this generation, people just. Rather go to something else, jump to the next thing. The new mask. It's great that, that doesn't work. Let's go somewhere else. Yeah. Well, we carry the same shit. You know, like we carry the same triggers, the same traumas, the same stuff, but it will be different. That is the quest for most of us is that, oh, the next person will fix it. Or the next person won't be that way, but it all starts and ends with us. And let's talk a little bit about that and like, where do we create those walls and where do we create those? Mass. Right? Because it's so hard for us to pull those down and being selective of course, to the right person. I think it's important. But also acknowledging when you are triggered, when there's things that isn't you and we actually just went through this recently, something happened that you triggered in me, but it had nothing to do with you. And it had everything to do with my trigger and. I kind of try to explain it to you was when we're bruised and we're hurt, there's like an open wound. We don't sometimes feel that open wound, but somebody comes and rubs against it or taps in it hurts. Sure. But I think it's, especially as women, we have to realize that it's not, that person's fault that they tapped into it. That's just life. Life is gonna be painful. Things are gonna happen. But it is our responsibility to be open to acknowledging. Where that came from. And being vulnerable, then I had to be vulnerable and topsy about it until you could, Hey, this is where this came from. It has nothing to do with you, but just so you know, this. Like hurt and trigger me, you know? Yeah, and I think that's hard. That's like that's exhausting. It can be exhausting. Yeah. Right. You're just. And telling yourself, you almost have to tiptoe through that process to get the right, right. But it's not sexy. No. I mean it can create sexiness. What other areas. But at the moment, I mean, it's not sure. Yeah. It can be painful. Well, I mean, it's very much a human thing, so let's start right. Start. There. I mean, we all have them, so, you know, normalizing in that sense helps you, because then you say, okay, all right, so this isn't bad. This is, this is something just as a human that happens, you know? And then. I think the, the goal. Well, if you start out. You know, for instance, in our relationship. I mean, if you want to find love and connection, right? You have to have vulnerability. Otherwise, you're going to have a very surface level. Relationship that won't go anywhere. So, if you already know, you have to go there, you kind of have to back into the fact that you're going to have to be open. So if I, if I realize I have to be open, then I have to be willing to look at who I am, which gets back to what I think you said, first of all, you have to know yourself. You can't, if you don't know yourself, then you're going to find triggers, right. And left of how some, you know, how someone is that has nothing to do with them, but everything to do with all the things that you have chosen to ignore or, or hide behind, right. For a long time. So. I mean, it takes a while to dig into to where we kind of all have to go. There is first of all, knowing, okay. Who am I? And then, you know, what are some of the things that I have issued, you know, not issues with, but really the I've I've just been through. And these are little struggles that I'm going to have to, uh, continue to try to. To learn the best version of myself as, as I, as I tackle them. And I think being with someone, you know, and interacting with someone that, you know, you can be yourself and trust. To open up those areas of yourself. Right. It's a huge part of being willing to go. And be vulnerable. If that makes sense. I agree. And I think we've created that space for each other and we didn't need to, and I don't think it's ever going to be perfect, but I agree. And as a woman, I think what creates safetiness for us? Or at least I'll speak for myself, but I think a lot of women can relate to this is knowing that you're not competing with anyone else for attention. Love that. There is acknowledgement that you're going to, I can come talk to you and they're starting to be this like Eagle that's going to. Be waiting for me or this. Defense mechanism, right. That safety, and this is more emotional for us. And more of a, you are what I want to you. I will show you that there's consistency. So I think women are able to open up in that environment. I sometimes don't think we choose the best partners. And so we want to be vulnerable with the wrong people that don't create that safety. That's right. That emotional safety things. For us, but we do have to eventually, I mean, we have to create that for ourselves first. So then we can attract somebody that is. Uh, responsive and is able to, I mean, we've had emotional talks from like day one. We were able to get in deep into a lot of subjects that I don't think a lot of people do. But I also believe. That as women, we have to set the tone. And I've talked to you about this before we are the gatekeepers of emotional intelligence in that sense. So even if I'm feeling all these emotions, I can't come to you a radically. And spew them all at you and be like, well, I'll create the space and I need you to fix it. And they just need you to listen to me, you know? We have to be able to have the emotional intelligence and being aware where it comes from. Process them. And then speak about them, right. And I statements, and this is what I feel and never make it about the other person, because most of our emotions, the way we feel, it's our responsible, it's our own emotions. No one can make us feel any sort of way. And I don't know that a lot of women believe that because I know I didn't for a long time. I thought, whatever I felt was somebody else's responsibility. And they made me feel that way. And it's because I was never giving to myself. I expected other people to like fill my cup and give it to me in ways that I couldn't do for myself. So I think for women it's that, um, I know men it's really hard. I mean, you've all been taught since we were little kids. Like emotions are like a thing they're taught to men. Like, feel your emotions cry when you need to it's opposite. Right? Let's be strong men. Don't cry. So when you guys, I think create some walls and masks and develop these. Things from being broken hearted and being in relationships where you didn't feel safe. How do you shift that? Right? I think that's important. I want women to listen to you on your side because I want to know what. That create, how do you create emotional safetiness for a man or what makes you guys feel? Yeah, sure. For a long time. You're right. I think men have been told to suck it up essentially. You know, and, and then there's a flip side, you know, which has, has gone too far the other direction. Yes. Okay. So let's, let's be honest. I don't think we've landed where we should, you know, in society or, you know, in general, when it comes to, to where we are a man should find himself. In a place that most ex accents, I think where we should be in the masculine. Well, I mean, as a man. Finding a space of vulnerability. I think it's key for us guys to have a woman that we feel. Respects us. I think one of the big things for a man is respect. And you can, I think, talk to nearly anyone when it comes to the ballpark of, of relationships and interactions between men and women. And you'll find that. Most of them will filter toward women, need love, and men need respect. And, and there's a reason for that. I think I guy, you know, we revolve a lot around if we have the support, respectful support of a partner. We can do so much more with that. And it's not that Love's not important. I just feel like the respect factor. And myself as a guy. A partner who respects me. It's going to give me more juice to energize me to be a better man. I feel like in my life, you know, And therefore if I have that respect, Then I also feel like I can show up. In more love and more vulnerability and more support, I think guys are more willing to go deeper in terms of being raw in an emotionally they're with someone who is. He's willing to show up with respect. I'm sure that's hard for women because you know, there's a lot of guys out there that need to see the respect first before they're willing to go there. And so I think most women. Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, would want to then try to push that I need, you know, the need for emotionally vulnerability. And. To go there before the respect is shown and therefore that creates tension. Yeah, totally. I believe so. And especially like you, I mean, you mentioned men nowadays. They're a little softer. Yeah. Right. They're not showing up as men. And they want to be treated as a woman would. So women are feeling this need of this healthy masculine. That's just not showing up. And I agree it's a beautiful dance, but also, and I think the most important thing which we had at the beginning was getting really clear. Like I know I'm an emotional person. I need that emotional connection. And I knew that if you can give me that this just wasn't gonna work out. Yeah, right. And you've told me, like, I can't be with somebody that screams yells. Yeah. So in a way we both said set the standard. Some boundaries and say, these are the ways that I am better. Right. I can be my best self. If I'm with someone that's like this. Where do you stand on this? Yeah. The hard conversations. No one wants to have at the beginning. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess screaming is one of them. What other other ways can women really lose the respect of, of, or. Disrespect a man in the relationship without even maybe knowing that there. Yeah. Respecting a man. I think, I mean, you you've alluded to it and all guys are going to be different. Just like all women are different. Right. We all got our things that, that are important to us. And we live in. And a world that we're all uniquely beautiful in our own sense. So it's like you say, and you always say it's great. I think it's a great admonition to make sure that you know yourself and, you know, before we even start talking about this stuff, you got to know yourself. And if you know yourself, then you can take steps toward who you should be with and how you interact with people. And, you showing up in ways that for me worked very well and that's why we're together and, and there's other people out there that will. React. You know, to ways from other people and in. In, in like scenarios. Um, but being able to, to. I mean, we've made it a point from the beginning, um, that we don't want to. Raise our voices and fight in that way. You know, We've actually made it a goal to never fight. Yeah, that's crazy. And I think, if you have to have a sense of yourself to do that, Yeah, you have to breathe before you speak. You know, you have to be willing to show up in certain ways. But again, I think. We've started with where we want to be. And I think that when, when you and I talk about a lot of things, relationship. If you look at the goal. Of this is the picture of the relationship I want. This is love to me. This is, this is what that looks like. Then start there and back into it. And if you back into it, there are certain ways that you have to agree to now open up, be vulnerable. Show up, you can't react the same way that you might've in the past. Or if you want to, you have to, you have to start challenging yourself to do something different about it, right? To show up the way that gets you then equals the relationship that you want to have, which is the hard part, right? That's the hard part, right? I mean, I'll use myself as an example because I think a lot of women are probably listening and thinking like, well, how can I be vulnerable? Or how do I show up that way? And it is saying what we feel and what we need. But from a very grounded place. Not from what I need or I lack, or the scarcity or this person needs to do for me is being really crowded. And that is hard, especially for an independent woman like myself. I always just stay quiet or I reacted. No, I took too much. And then it just exploded and eventually. And now finding that middle ground of, okay. Well, I feel this way is. No. Okay. I'm going to have to articulate this in a very soft way. Where I'm not used to, and I have to just. But it's, it's so empowering at the same time. So it's so uncomfortable, but it's empowering because every time I've come to you with something again, you don't. You are not like, what do you want now? Why are you crying or, you know, Those are things that shut the emotional stuff for women. Sure. Where are you guys like that? This respect for us. It's like the avoidance. The stonewalling, they're not wanting to talk. And so again, it's practice and it's not pretty. There's been times where like, I don't even want to look at you in the eyes when I'm talking to you, because I feel like such a little pissy. I just feel like, so like, so like such an idiot. Sometimes, you know, right. Oh, my God. Here I go. I'm going to have to say what I really feel. Where that using these, these words, these fillers, these things that protect us. Right. Right. Right. I'm not causing a fight in order to feel this connection. I'm not exploding in order to feel close to him. I'm not making it about him or storming off for certain firms have chased me. You know, these are all back. Word ways that women find or try to find that connection. But instead of saying what I need. And being like, Hey, I think this could be an issue or, Hey, this because of my past, because of the way that I've had love or didn't have love in the past. I know this is a trigger for me. Like I want to avoid. Us going there or even finding those things. And it is hard and it's not like it's, there's been times me and you have talked and we've had vulnerable conversations where we're like going around in circles. We don't even know we're speaking in a calm voice, but we have no idea. If what we're thinking and feeling is actually translating. And there's a lot of the don't make sense, a lot of quiet, like moments of silence. But it's like giving each other that respect without feeling threatened by the other person's emotions. Yeah, because we own our own emotions. And, and, and, you know, we're not attacking each other. Right. I think that's key. I mean, And, and from the get go, I mean, we created that space. You almost need to create that space. At the beginning. Too. To set that standard and then agree to that standard. Right. And this is where we're having guidelines is important. We all humankind is made to function. With guidelines with truths that you stick to. We we've all we're created that way. We need that. Whether we like to say we don't read it and we can just float and flip-flop all we want. No, we all need it. You know? And the more that we set those guidelines and then abide by them and use those as functioning tools. Um, to live by. I mean, we have, we've found great success so far and we intend to continue this great success as we continue to show up the same way for each other. With those guidelines, and then that creates a function that we're able to, to grow and prosper in. Right. Because now there's not rules police. Some guidelines, I think is a beautiful way. And also like a roadmap to how to love each other. Yeah. Because you've had pain past partners, whoever I've had the same. Yeah. But if we're not able to kind of get roadmap each other into how to, Hey, I feel really loved when you do this right. If you really loved when we do this, or when you act like this, or we give each other that roadmap and that creates more safetiness as well. I think. And I think that's been like a beautiful. I don't like Dan's we have goals. Sure sure. Well, and even our, you know, our Sunday thing, which, you know, yeah. Oh, we're starting a new routine. That's what he means. There's something. Yeah. And you want to tell them about that? Yeah, because we are long distance and some Sundays we're together. Some Sundays we're not. We both thought that it would be a good routine to just check in with each other and have like a relationship check-in. Of maybe something we can better or do better the following week or just really be like, Hey, I'm proud of us because we did this really well. Or both. You know, like whatever it is that we want to focus on. That week. And then also we let. I think it's really sexy to flow. There are planners every week. And plan things, type a people, folks. So planning our date night and at the time. Uninterrupted time that we're going to have together. Of course, when we're physically together. And I think that's important because we're both too busy people. We have a lot going on. And making our relationship a priority is important to us, right. And, you know, scheduling a date nights. I think a great idea what you do, and it can be the fun, you know, Unplanned part of it. But the planet like schedule it because you schedule anything else that's important. So I think that that's exciting and. I think more couples should do that so far. I mean, we haven't done. Done a couple of Sundays so far, but yeah. Yeah. We want to continue today is Sunday. It's a good way to check in and just do. To say, Hey. Am I showing up for you in the way of seeing. And, you know, how do you feel about things then? And it's a good, I mean, it could all be great. Yeah, totally happy. Or, you know, it might have something that envelops from the week before that you're able to just chat about. But again, if your goal is to, to find. Intimacy. I love the kind of life that. That you only thought existed in dreams, you know? You have to do something about it and you, it doesn't just, you know, you're not just hope for stuff and, and leave it in the hope realm and do nothing about it. Yeah. We all got to take action to get the lives we want. Yeah, I think we keep on saying if this is our goal, then again, back back into it. What are the things that create that kind of life? And we got to kind of decide. Okay. I got to push myself to, to take a step toward that life. You know, if that's, if that's the goal, that's not the no debt. And that's where our relationships are able to say their work. I don't think their work. I think just like anything else you're passionate about like a hobby or anything you want to create. Yeah. It's going to take effort. Or it sounds heavy. I think effort is important. Sure. If you want to create anything magical and expensive and amazing, it's going to need effort from both parts. Yeah. And not only the vulnerability, but also having like so much compassion and empathy for the other person and understanding neither people are perfect. They're not going to say things perfectly all the time. They're not going to be able to be vulnerable. And even though that that is a goal. It might not be perfect every single time and having that compassion and that empathy. And I always heard, I don't remember where I heard this, but they're like somebody said, forgive fast in relationships. And I think that's important and we've been, he's helped me get closer to God. And I know that's part of the Bible too. It's like forgive others. And I think forgiveness is something. That is hard for a lot of us because when we feel hurt, it's hard to just be like, okay, well I forgive you, you know, but having that empathy and that compassion and our relationship, I think it's important. Because we would, we would forgive other people. You know, for the most part. Sure. So it's harder sometimes in relationships, I think to forgive. And move on. Yeah. Cause you don't know if it's not going to happen again. Right. But I mean, they often say, and I think there's truth in it that forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't let someone off the hook. It actually gives you the freedom to move forward in life. And isn't that a beautiful way to look at? You know, that, that you're able to have that and, and let's face it. If you're building something with someone, you know, you should be able to have the conversations with forgiveness. That help you get to places that then don't have those things, you know, things that, that. The scar happen again, you know, you want to move forward into places that, and that's where conversation happens. We have to, you know, be willing to go there. But man, I think we've done such a beautiful job, but creating the groundwork. To, to, to set up the space that allows vulnerability to happen. And that's, I think what's key probably is. I mean, what, what would you tell someone out there that, you know, has to be vulnerable with? Someone just sounds like a terrible place to get again, because the hurt, the hurts everywhere. Yeah, I would say vet the person first, don't go doing it with anyone because I think that's, that's just going to perpetuate the same cycle of I'm not safe. I can be vulnerable. Look, this person is showing me I can't be vulnerable. Yeah. They created within yourself and then vet the person that you want to go there with. Yeah. And then understand that. Pain is actually a beautiful, the more I understand, pain and trauma. It's there to show us so many lessons and we want to avoid pain because it doesn't feel good, but after every heartbreak, after any like death, any, anything that we go through, that's traumatic. That's a deep. There's this beautiful rebirth and this beautiful evolution of yourself. If you allow yourself to go there. Or you stay stuck. So I think lean into the pain is what I would tell people is lean into the pain link. Lean into her book vet, the person that you want to go there with and make sure that they're. They're there ready? Like you said, it takes two people. It takes important conversations to takes. The ability to understand where your goal is, where you're headed, where you're both headed. And I think that's where a man should lead in a lot of ways because you set the standard from that at the beginning. Like, I don't want us to fight. I want us to have a healthy relationship. This is where we're going to go. We have a future together. And that's where I feel a lot of them, we need that stability of being like, okay, this is where he wants to do us, where I want to go. That's perfect. Do you have a vision? I have vision. Now we can do this together. Um, but you have to become that first. We, we wouldn't be a match for each other if we wouldn't have. Worked on ourselves. Sure. Yep. I like your touch on the pain. I feel like, you know, that's part of life and it's not the fun part of life. Let's face it. But I've often heard it say, you know, if life is on a plateau and all you do is live at one level of excitement, joy. Payne. All of it. You know, consistency. That sounds probably good in some ways, you know, But when. You then do the inverse and say, well, you know, The union yang of life. If, if you don't have the valleys, if you don't go down to the depths and really trudge through some deep dark spots in life. I don't think you can experience them that the flip side, which are the peaks of joy and abundance as much. Cause you have to know what it feels like to be down in the depths to then appreciate the greatness of being on the peaks. Right. So living, living in the middle doesn't serve you well, and let's face it. The lives that we all live, we know that living in the middle doesn't happen. Life is full of, of the depths. And then the peaks and, when you're in the depth, so something. You got to just keep going and know that that there's purpose in that. And it's going to create this wonderful abundance. If you keep moving experience that, you know, the pain go through the deaths. But then keep that dream alive for what those peaks are gonna look like down the road. Yeah. I love it. That was beautiful, honey. I think we should end up there. I think you did a perfect job. The. A little new year, new year speech. I think that's perfect. I think we did a good job in describing what vulnerability looks like for us. And hopefully that inspires you guys listening to be vulnerable with yourself and others. And. You'll be back I'm sure. On another episode. Oh, man. I like it. I like it. Get out of there guys. Have a great day. See you guys. All right, I'll talk to you guys next week.