Love series part 1: Transforming Pain + Releasing your Exes

Hi guys!  In this week's podcast episode, we're diving into the first installment of a four-part series exploring love-related topics for the month of February. As we embrace the spirit of love, let's embark on a journey of depth and vulnerability to manifest the love we crave. Throughout these four episodes, I'll guide you through gaining clarity, fostering self-awareness, and addressing essential aspects like healing from past relationship wounds, articulating your desires, and understanding triggers and needs, all leading to a profound sense of worthiness for the love you genuinely seek.  Week one is all about transforming past pain and energetically releasing your exes and past.
Tune in and join me on this transformative exploration of love and self-discovery!



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Transcript

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We can't experience a bright, loving, open, vulnerable, amazing relationship. If we don't transform our past pain. And are able to release the past and our exes. For years, I struggled with toxic relationships and understanding my own emotions. I found myself repeating the same cycles with different people and living in victimhood. I am Maria your host, and I specialize in self-mastering coaching. I've spent the last few years working with various therapists in order to heal my own traumas and help others. This podcast is your dedicated resource for gaining emotional intelligence, nurturing self-awareness, and cultivating healthy relationships. If you're prepared to master your emotions, improve your relationships, and create captivating self-confidence. Then this podcast is for you. Thank you for listening and welcome to this week's episode. Hey guys, welcome to this week's episode. I am so excited for the serious. I've never done a serious before. And it's February, it's a month of love, actually just recorded a live on Instagram. It's Saturday, by the time you're listening to this as Monday, and I just talked about love and all my past lessons and love and the pain and the hurt and betrayal and cheating and lies. And. Great lessons and all these amazing things. And I realized, you know what, I want to create a love series this month. And so. Every Monday for the month of February, it's going to be a four-part series. And this first one, as you can tell by the title is transforming your pain. And being able to release your exes. The title is short. But what we're getting into here is not going to be so short. It might be short in time-wise, but it's not going to be short in the juice that we're bringing into this because even though I've. Talked about this topic at a surface level before. I want to get deep into how to transform that pain in the past so that you're not repeating the same cycles. You're not stuck in the pain. And also being able to energetic release, release your exes and anything that came from the past and just learning the lessons and coming into a neutral state. And the reason I want to talk about this one to start off this love series is because I truly believe that unless we're able to do this, we can't. Experience a bright loving, vulnerable, amazing relationship. We just won't be open to it. All our triggers will come up. We will. Self-sabotage. We won't even know what to do with ourselves and we'll do it subconsciously. So if you're listening to this and you're like, well, no, I don't think I do this. To us. Subconscious level, you do. There's parts of you that will self-sabotage. If you haven't healed the past or you'll get stuck energetically in the past and keep repeating the same behaviors. But with just different people. And I've seen this a lot with not only clients, but I seen them a lot in my own life with people around me, older generations that have gone through divorce or have gone through heartbreak, or I've gone through really ugly scenarios and things. And they're not able to even get out of it. They haven't even had a relationship for years or. Have been able to be open and vulnerable again because they feel so much shame, guilt, pain. And all those emotions, even though I am such an advocate of feeling all your emotions, those. Heavy emotions will keep us stuck in life unless we're able to transform them, learn the lessons and move on. And. Let's start off with. The fact that we either. Feel the need, especially as women, if you're listening to this, we feel the need to either hate our axis, make them the villain. Be in this really ugly space, or sometimes we do the opposite and we romanticize what a certain person needs to bring to the table, or just remember the good parts or just remember what felt good. And we go to these two extremes so that we can have control over the narrative if we can control the fact that we made our Xs, the bad guys, they're the. The ones that were in the wrong, they're the ones that causes pain. They're the ones that did as dirty. They're the ones that did all these things to us. Then we feel in control and we can. In a way avoid. Blaming ourselves. We can in a way. Avoid the triggers avoid the self-sabotage avoid the ways that we came up in toxic ways in the relationship, our own toxic behaviors. And the same is true. If you're just romanticizing and thinking of the good things, you're also still avoiding the pain that that person caused you. And so you might be listening to this and be like, well, if I'm not making him the bad guy and I'm not just remembering the good, what do I do here? And there's this beautiful place. Of neutrality. There's this beautiful place where. Once you learn the lessons from the past, you're able to just be neutral and you can also see the great, amazing things that that person brought into your life. But you're not in a energetic way attached to them in any way. You're not. Hoping and wishing that the next person has maybe the same traits that you actually liked, or you're not going the opposite way and hoping and wishing that you may meet somebody completely opposite of your ex. The truth is that anyone we meet. Is a reflection or a mirror of us. I'm probably gonna repeat this a thousand million times on these. Episodes, but. When we stop thinking of everything happening to us, and we get out of that victim mentality, we're able to recognize that if we've attracted a love. They're either a reflection of who we are, what we feel worthy of some behaviors of our own. We're not attracting people that are completely out. Of alignment with us. And if we are, we usually don't get into relationships with them. There's something in us. That attach ourselves to these people. And so. When we feel pain when somebody hurts us cheats on us, but trays. Us yells at us. Triggers our inner child doesn't choose us. We don't feel loved. We don't feel validated when they do these things. It's very easy for us to say, well, F them. I don't want them around me. I can't believe it. Didn't see my worth. I can't believe they treated me like that. I can't believe they lied to me. I obviously deserve better. And all this is true. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and ration, love validation, and all the amazing things. But if we don't feel worthy of that, We will not attract that. We will just repeat it again with the same person that other next, person's just going to do the same thing in a different way. And so part of transforming your past pain. As realizing. Okay. Where did I show up in this relationship? How did I show up in this relationship? And a lot of the times I get, you know, I get messages in my DMS and women. And when some women are like, well, I give him my, everything. I did it all. Like I was great, actually work on myself. I go to therapy and. I own my own business and unless I'm coaching them, I can't get too deep into it, but I can already tell that they're in their victim hood. They have no self-awareness and no emotional awareness to where they could have gone wrong in that relationship. Not because they deserve the betrayal or because they deserve somebody to be a say that cheated on them or anything like that. But. Even though the fact that some women tell me I just did it. I did everything. I gave them my all well, that, that right there. If you have enough self-awareness and some emotional awareness. You realize that that's toxic. You shouldn't give somebody else your all. You can give the relationship, your all, but giving away your power to somebody else and giving them your all means you're having to take from yourself. Oh, you're not giving to yourself in some way, shape or form. And so a lot of the times when women get cheated on. Because it's happened to me. If you look, if you go listen to that live that I recorded all talk about the very first time that I experienced, like hard heartbreak and hide in a respect myself. And I got cheated on, even though I didn't have real proof. I was getting cheated on and I kept taking him back because I needed. To feel validated. And the chase him chasing me, made me feel validated. And so I could have been a victim of that and I could have said, well, you know what, it's shitty guy, what a terrible person can't believe he did this to me. But the truth is that I had little to no, self-respect. I wasn't giving myself anything. I was giving that relationship. All of me in hopes that he would see me, that he would validate me that he would put me on this throne and on this pedestal that I wasn't even able to acknowledge that I needed to put myself on. And so. Transforming that pain for me was a lot of, well, what did I do in that relationship? How could I have been different? How could I have shown up differently? Not only with myself, but in the relationship as well. Where did I not speak up? A lot of the times as women, we don't speak up in a relationship. We either. Yell and explode. And when it's too late and we've had enough or we just don't say anything. And what we don't say anything. Resentment builds up and anger. Builds up and pain builds up. And then when that relationship ultimately ends, you're left with. Resentment pain, anger. Plus, now you get to be the victim and he gets to be the villain. Or if he leaves you. You know, there's some women that get left by men and it's the same thing you over gave you over. Did you, you did all these things, but then they left. You. Men will treat you how you treat you. So if you've abandoned yourself, you've self abandoned. They're going to eventually abandon you as well. In some way, either emotionally or physically, they'll just leave. If you're listening to this and you've obviously been hurt because we're all human, we've been hurt in love. If. If we say yes to love, it's like one of the surest things is that you're going to be hurt because it's the most vulnerable state that we could ever be in is being in love with somebody and being in a relationship., I want you to. See where in the past, you haven't shown up for yourself, things that you could have done better. And start transforming that pain that you might be still holding on to, into the lessons. What lessons did you learn? And then here's a magical pill because we can have some self-awareness and I, I see a lot with women, like they're like, oh no. Yeah. I know I gave I over, gave, I know I did this wrong. We, we sometimes emotionally know where we went wrong. But then we don't know how to make it right. And it doesn't mean making it right with your ex. It doesn't mean that you have to call him for closure and tell him, Hey. You know, I wish I would have done this differently. I'm waiting for an apology. Can you give me some closure and apologize and finally validate me.'cause I'm sorry, ladies, you were listening to this. That's all closure is that's all you're waiting for. You're waiting for the other person to come and say, you know what? I should have been better. I should've been a better man. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me and I am the worst idiot. And the truth is, or we're probably most likely not going to get that from any of our exes. And so giving yourself that closure. And moving on and actually releasing that pain. Is changing that behavior and acting differently. Before you get into a relationship, why are you get into another relationship? Is changing that behavior, interrupting that pattern. So if you find yourself consistently always doing the same thing in a relationships, losing yourself, not listening to your intuition, wanting to fix a guy, wanting to solve their problems, self abandoning. Whatever that is. Start giving it to yourself. And so if your exes, let's say you over agave. How can you ever give to yourself now? If you were codependent that relationship, how can you make yourself more independent as a person? How can you start enjoying your own solitude? What can you do? Can you start dating yourself? Taking yourself out on dates? If your ex never validated you, let's say he never put you on a pedestal. How can you start putting yourself on a pedestal? How can you write beautiful love letters to yourself? How can you take yourself out on a date? Do you actually enjoy being in your own space without any distractions without filling up your time? And that is a missing piece for a lot of people I've noticed within my. And myself, because for a while there, I was like, oh, I real, okay. I'm seeing a pattern here. I'm seeing what's where I'm messing up. Oh, well, but I'm not applying what I'm learning. They're just, they're just they're I have awareness. I'm not really actually learning the lesson and applying different behavior. We will be the same way act the same, same way, unless we shift and change the narrative. You are the creator of your life. You write the story. Just because chapters. One through whatever we're a certain way doesn't mean that the rest of the book has to be the same way. It doesn't mean your story has to end this way. And if you know anyone, I want you to actually, before we continue this conversation, I want you to think of somebody or multiple people, because I know we all know them. That have stayed stuck in pain from love in the past, whether that was a divorce or a breakup, or even if their people are still dating, they're still dating the same person. There's somebody that's coming to mind right now that you're like, yep. I know that that's that I know. I see it. I see them stuck in this toxic pattern. They either. Can find a person to love them properly, or they get stuck in abusive, toxic relationships, or they maybe never been able to date after a divorce or a bad breakup. They got stuck in the pain. They did not learn any. Self-awareness or any of the lessons and they didn't apply what they learned. And so to summarize. We want to learn. What the lessons were that we learned from this pain, that that person cost us. How we showed up in that relationship. What behaviors of ours? Cause more of our pain. And then how do you apply something different? Moving forward? How do you change your behavior? How do you interrupt that cycle? And also say. Working with women. We carry a lot of shame and a lot of guilt. Because. And I will say that I think a lot of people get stuck right. In the, those people that you're thinking about get stuck is because they feel shame and guilt. It's so hard for us to say to ourselves. Wow. I over gave in a relationship. I love that prison step all over me. I had no respect. I didn't care for myself. We feel so much shame and guilt from that so much that we, we stay stagnant, we stay stuck. We don't even know how to move forward. We don't even know how to alchemize that energy. We're just like, well, I don't even trust myself. If I let myself do all these terrible things. And I took so much from so many people, how can I ever trust myself to not do it again? Well, if you don't practice it, You will do it again. And guess what? You might do it again, but you'll do it better and you'll have awareness and you'll do it better the next time and a little better the next time and a little bit better the next time. And evolution and growth is all a journey. There's not this miracle time in life where you're going to be like, wow, I have it all figured out. I am perfect right now. I am completely healed. I'm going to get into a relationship. I am not going to. Repeat the same cycles or the same behaviors I've ever had. I'm not going to be triggered. That's just never going to happen. And so having enough empathy for the past versions of you that allowed all these things. Is going to help you heal that shame and guilt, so you don't stay stuck. So you don't keep on with the same narrative from the same behaviors. If somebody were to come to you like a friend, or if you're a mom and you had children and your child says, oh, I keep messing up. I just keep doing the same thing over and over again. But I have so much shame and guilt that I'm just never going to change. Mom. Or your friend says the same thing to you. You're not going to be like, well, yeah, then stay there. Yeah. Do you just let shame and guilt. You to death, let them just let that those two emotions just kill you and just stay there. That sounds like a good idea. No, you would absolutely not. Let them stay there. You would be like, well, you can choose better. You could do better. I believe in you. And you would hype that person up. But we don't do that for ourselves because it's so hard to get out of that shame and guilt. We stay stuck. Like I said earlier. But you get to choose if you're listening to this and you're like, wow, I have gotten stuck in some way, shape or form at some point in my life. How you're having the awareness. Now you're listening to me talk about this. You're saying maybe I can shift this. No, maybe not. You can shift this and now what can you apply? What can you do differently so that you can start having compassion, empathy for that shame and guilt, and also. Part of healing, your own shame and guilt is forgiving. Those that hurt you. I see so much toxic stuff on social media. There's I honestly don't even follow a lot of people or I'll mute them if they just post a lot of stuff that doesn't make any sense to me. But I just saw this thing the other day and it said like, There's a zoo in some city that will let you name a cockroach after your ex, and then you can feed them to animals. And the fact that people have that much pain in them and hatred and. Anger towards her exes that they would think that that's a good idea, or somebody is offering this and somebody is actually buying into this is really sad to me. Because if you're holding that much anger, You're holding that much anger for yourself as well. When we don't forgive people. We're hurting ourselves more than anything. And so you probably are carrying more shame and more guilt. Because you're unable to release that pain from that per that person costs you. You're unable to see them and have empathy and compassion for them. And so you're going to carry anger, shame, guilt, all of those things. But you're thinking it's on them. You think that really you're angry at them? No, really. You're angry at yourself. You're angry at yourself because you allowed all these things to happen. And you're not willing to actually shift that dynamic right now or that energy. And so it's just easier and more comfortable to blame them. And to be in that. Sadness and to be in that pain. Let's release our X's. Let's not name cockroaches after them. Just release them with love. Thank you for the lessons. Thank you for the good times. Thank you for the pain. Thank you for the love. Thank you for both of them. I can see the duality of both, both brought me to where I'm at. And if I don't do anything with this and I don't Uplevel and I don't upgrade my life and I don't transform, then I am no better than my axes. That's a mentality that I want to work with my clients on, and that I've worked on myself because I can truly. To my core, tell you that I have no. No hatred towards any of my exes. Not that I didn't feel like that or pain or anger when I first left them or I left a marriage or I need to, of course I did. I went through all my emotions, all my feelings, but then I realized, why am I carrying this? Why am I allowing this to become a cancer in my life? Let's release our axes. Let's transform our payments. Alchemize the lessons. So we can be better. We choose our story. You choose your story. And I'll leave it at this. I am so excited for this love series. Part two is going to be about attachment styles, what attachment styles are and how they relate in relationships. And I think just hearing some of the definitions of these attachment styles, you're going to know where you are. In the spectrum of attachment styles. And I am super excited to share that with you guys. But before I go, I also want to let you guys know that I have created a new way to work with me. I have 90 minute intensive coaching plans. Now for once for single ladies called empower her, I want to be able to empower you to really step into your power, to become magnetic in the dating scene, to be, and become everything you desire so that you can attract everything you desire. And then I have a relationship reset, and this is a 90 minute intensive coaching with me, for my ladies in relationships or in a marriage. And then I have a reclaim you, which is for my girls going through heartbreak or a divorce. I've been through all these different stages and I've learned so many beautiful lessons throughout all these different stages of my life. that I wanted to create something that I can actually sit down. And talk to you guys about for 90 minutes, get deep together and come up with a plan to get you unstuck, to make your relationship better, to get you out of that heartbreak out of that pain. Or to help you create. Love from within empower yourself so that you can attract. At everything you desire in a man. And so if you're listening to this, I'm going to give you guys a discount for my intensive and I will put everything in the footnotes for you guys. And I can not wait to talk to you guys next week.