Love series Part 2: Attachment Styles in love

Hi guys!  In this week's podcast episode, we're diving into the first installment of a four-part series exploring love-related topics for the month of February. As we embrace the spirit of love, let's embark on a journey of depth and vulnerability to manifest the love we crave. Throughout these four episodes, I'll guide you through gaining clarity, fostering self-awareness, and addressing essential aspects like healing from past relationship wounds, articulating your desires, and understanding triggers and needs, all leading to a profound sense of worthiness for the love you genuinely seek.  Week two  is all about understanding your attachment style and learning how to become more securely attached in love.

Tune in and join me on this transformative exploration of love and self-discovery!


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Transcript

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there's still pain in my past that I haven't even seen until I get triggered by something. And then to me, triggers are beautiful because they're lessons there are moments in time that something comes up for me and I'm like, wow, there's a part of me here that needs some attention and needs some love. For years, I struggled with toxic relationships and understanding my own emotions. I found myself repeating the same cycles with different people and living in victimhood. I am Maria your host, and I specialize in self-mastering coaching. I've spent the last few years working with various therapists in order to heal my own traumas and help others. This podcast is your dedicated resource for gaining emotional intelligence, nurturing self-awareness, and cultivating healthy relationships. If you're prepared to master your emotions, improve your relationships, and create captivating self-confidence. Then this podcast is for you. Thank you for listening and welcome to this week's episode. Hey guys, welcome to this week's episode. We are on part two of the love series, and I am so excited to be sitting here and talking about this because I love this topic, actually read a book two years ago about attachment styles. I have to link it down below. I don't remember the name, but it really broke it down for me. And I related to anxious attachment the most. And before we get started, I do want to explain what each of them are kind of, or just give you at least the name. So when I refer to them later, you kind of know what they are. There's the secure attachment, which is what everyone wants to. Eventually feel like we want to feel secure in a relationship within ourselves and in the relationship. And then there's ambivalent or anxious, preoccupied attachment style. And. Most people just see it as anxious attachment, which is like the most generic term used. And then there's avoidant dismissive attachment style. And then there's disorganized disoriented attachment style. This was a little more intricate in the sense that a lot of people experienced trauma end up falling in this category. It's not the most common ones. The most common ones are the avoidant or the anxious or the secure. And so as I keep talking about these, I want you to really sit with it and see where you fall into this. And even though maybe you're working on becoming more secure attachment, And healing the past and healing your childhood wounds and pain. We might still have some tendencies. I know I do. There's still some anxious tendencies that come up for me. And we also not only in love act in these ways, I was listening to my business coach. Talk about attachment styles. In business and how a lot of the times our attachment styles and love translate to in business and in work as well. And so really open yourself up, open up your mind when you're listening to this episode, because we will act in this way. We will act in these attachment styles and a lot of our life area in different life areas. So. Let's start off with this secure attachment, because this is going to be the goal for everyone listening on here. It's the goal for me to always. Work towards. And pretty much. if you have a secure attachment style, it doesn't mean that you're perfect. You're your own spirit experience, relationship problems. But you are likely to feel secure enough to take responsibility for your own mistakes. And. And downfalls, and you're willing to be vulnerable with the other person or seek help and you're not willing to just sit there and stay there. You also appreciate your own words. You don't need the other person to validate you in an intimate relationship, but you're, you're so open to them loving you the right way you feel worthy of having a good relationship. You're comfortable expressing your feelings, your hopes, and your needs. You feel satisfied when you're being vulnerable with other people and you're creating emotional intimacy with friends or family or relationships. Right. We feel good about this. when you're with your partner, you feel comfortable being together, but you also feel really calm and comfortable being a part. That's all part of a secure attachment. There's not this anxiousness of like, maybe they're not going to be, want to be with me. And there's not this avoidant of like, I don't even need them. I'm independent. And. How secure attachments. Do with disappointment or when they experienced setbacks or misfortune in relationships. You're resilient enough to bounce back. And this goes back to the first episode of part, one of this love Sirius is when we're able to transform that pain and release our Xs and. No, let go of all that anger and everything. We start working towards becoming a secure attached person. Like I said, there's still things that I struggle with. In this, because there's still pain in my past that we don't really even see, or I haven't even seen until I get triggered by something. And then to me, triggers are beautiful because they're lessons there are moments in time that something comes up for me and I'm like, wow, there's a part of me here that needs some attention and needs some love. Actually something came up for me in my relationship from. My first high school boyfriend, something had happened in our long distance relationship where that person was. Cheating and lying and all these things and like triggers came up from that. So it's triggers are beautiful. If we're able to see the lesson, apply them. And ask for help. Look for a relationship counselor. Look for somebody to help you a coach, a therapist, whoever so that you can move to a more secure attachment. We don't let the setbacks keep us down. That's that's what sets you apart as a secure attachment versus an anxious or a. Avoidant. So now let's get into the anxious attachments. So like I said, it usually goes by. Ambivalent or anxious, preoccupied, attachment style. You'll hear those words be thrown around online. I've related in the past to the anxious attachment style because in relationships, that's how I felt. A lot of the times, So the anxious person, the anxious attachment style is going to really want to be in a close, loving, relationship. You're going to want to have that intimacy, but you struggle. To feel you can trust or fully rely on your partner. There's parts of you that wants it, but you're like, ah, I probably don't feel worthy of it. And so you let that overtake your life. People that have anxious attachment. Usually love. Wanting to be in a relationship. They crave feelings of closeness and intimacy with somebody else. But they struggle with truly. Fully trusting and relying on the other person. They feel like if they trust the other person, they're giving away their power. But yet on the same hand, an anxious person is going to give. There everything and fixate on just the relationship themselves. They're gonna let go of themselves. They're going to not have any boundaries. They're going to over-give they're going to make the relationship, their main focus. They're going to view space as like a threat or people needing to just have their own independence as like a form of disconnection. They're going to get anxious. They're going to feel really anxious with the person's not texting back in a relationship or needs their time alone. They're not going to understand what it is when somebody else just needs to be. By themselves. They're going to see it as rejection. They're going to get overly anxious, overthink things. They're going to become real big. Overthinkers. And then they're going to put a lot of their sense of worth onto the relationship and how they're being treated. If they're not getting loved, they're not getting attention. They're not being validated. They're not being told that they're doing a good job by their partner. They're going to take that as a. Form of validation that they're not doing good enough and that they're not worth anything because they're not getting that from the relationship. Peace people, including myself. And I'm saying these people, but I've been here before. I'm still here sometimes. They need a lot of reassurance and a lot of attention from their partner. They're going to want to know that the relationship is safe. They're going to want to know that they're loved. They're going to want it to be told that they're loved all the time. They're going to be even seen almost as needy and clingy in a relationship. They may struggle to maintain close relationships because of this, because people get turned off by this part of them, or they're too clingy or too close or too needy. And anxious attachment will also feel very jealous when they're away from their partner. They're going to use guilt, controlling behavior, manipulation tactics to keep them close because they're not able to have enough emotional awareness regularity. Or groundness or stability to voice what they need in a vulnerable. From a vulnerable place. Instead, they're going to use these tactics to keep that feeling of connection, even though it's not really connection. And so, because, um, this is the one that I relate to the most. I'm going to talk about it from my point of view as well. Anxious attachment. And usually it comes from a lot of sense of abandonment growing up, not having something consistent or steady in your life. And also from past pain, like being cheated on being betrayed. Again, if we're not able to learn the lessons, transform the pain and release all that, we're going to stay in that anxiousness. And so even though what we want is to be in a loving, safe relationship. We're going to feel so anxious that we're actually gonna almost repel that and where I still struggle with this. Sometimes it comes up for me is when I start overthinking. So the beginning of our relationship, I did a lot of overthinking and there was a lot of reassurance that I needed now, even though I love the re-insurance, I feel so solid in our relationship, but I still struggle with overthinking. Sometimes if I sit with myself too long, I will start overthinking over analyzing and starting to just create problems in my head. What could happen? What if I'm not seeing this and what if I'm not seeing that? And that is because at that moment or in those moments, I am not feeling safe, usually in other areas of my life. So it's easier for me to fixate in my relationship or on my relationship because of that anxious attachment that I've had in the past. And so I'm able to see this now. So whenever I go there, I'm like, no, wait a minute. What's really happening. Where do I feel out of control? Why don't I feel safe? Let me bring it back to me. This has nothing to do with my relationship. And if it does, if it's something I have to bring up in the relationship where I feel like it's weighing heavy in my heart, I do bring it up. And I do it from a place of groundness emotional awareness and we're able to work through it. And the more I worked through it with him, the more secure I become in love. So. Have you struggled with this definitely work on being more vulnerable sitting with your emotions. Don't be, don't react from an emotional state, just like really sit with your emotions and try to figure out what they're telling you. If you're feeling fear come up or overthinking, or over-analyzing become an observer of your mind. All right. So now let's get into the next one, which is avoidant, dismissive attachment style. So avoidant people tend to be a little more dismissive in relationships. They don't really tolerate emotional intimacy. They value their independence, their freedom to the point where they're not even comfortable by being too close in a romantic relationship. They usually will find people that are the same way. They're like super hyper independent. And they don't really need somebody so that they can feel safe in the relationships that they don't have to give too much. Um, the needier the partner becomes, or the more closeness that that person needs, the more that they want to run away and like avoid the whole situation and avoid that intimacy. They get accused from partners for being too rugged or too distant, close to off and tolerant. And they're more prone to disregard feelings. So if you're dismissive or avoidant, if somebody comes to you with emotions or feelings, you're like, why do you feel like that? That's annoying. Why am I even dealing with this? You prefer to like fleet the situation or just have casual relationships instead of long-term ones. You don't really like confrontation. You avoid them at all at all costs. Just anything that has to do with like emotions makes you want to run the other way. And not be part of any of that. And this comes from a very deep fear of intimacy. And like I said, I, I can relate to the anxiousness, but as I've learned about avoidance attachment styles, it's usually they were emotionally avoided. As children, they didn't get that emotional connection that they needed. And so when somebody is. Willing to give them that closeness. It scares them because I've already created all these walls as children, in order to grow up and feel safe. So they've created all these walls that people being super needy or super emotional and wanting that intimacy, that closeness. Really shuts them off even more because they're unable to see those parts of them that they've created in order to feel safe. And so if you relate to the avoidant. Or you have in the past? I think I used to be avoided when I was like casually dating in my early twenties. I didn't want that closeness. I didn't want that intimacy. I just became very toxic and I just wanted them to just like, like me enough. And if they got too needy and too close, I would just push them away. And again, it was because I had created all those walls from my pain and I didn't trust myself to get close to anyone. I didn't trust that the other person wouldn't hurt me. And so I had intimacy issues. I had commitment issues. I had all those issues. Right. That's where those terms come from. It's because you've created this really safe environment in your head. And anyone that wants to come close to it is a threat. And so if you relate to this avoidant attachment, now ask yourself. What would happen if I let someone close to me? If you are happy, not letting anyone close to you, then that's great. But as humans, we all want and crave that intimacy at some point in our lives. So this is something you're going to be faced with to really look within and ask yourself, look in the mirror and ask yourself, how can I become more secure? How can I let them in? And not feel like I'm losing control. If I let them in and experience that intimacy with somebody and know that either way I'm going to be okay, because I've created a safer environment for myself. And I trust myself now to be able to not avoid things and not avoid difficult conversations or emotional ones. And know that those were actually going to only bring me in that partner even closer together. I will say a lot of the dynamics that happen a lot is an anxious and an avoidant person will get together because they trauma bond. And what trauma bonding means is that. The anxious person wants that closeness, that intimacy with somebody, but they don't feel worthy of it. So they're going to find an avoidant person. They can never give it to them. They can never get close enough to them emotionally. That's going to keep them at service bay. And because the avoidant or the anxious doesn't F because the anxious doesn't feel worthy of having that, they're going to have this dance back and forth. And the avoidant, even though they're scared of intimacy, they kind of still want it to, and they liked that the anxious person is all over them, but then they want to push them away. And they're going to create this really toxic dynamic of. Push push and pull, getting close and, and pulling away. Yeah. If you're in this type of dynamic, now you might, you may experience a lot of confusion. He feel really confused the whole time you're in a relationship. You're like, I feel really great sometimes really close to this person. And then there's times that I feel like they're a stranger or. We fight and we would make up and then there's extreme highs and extreme lows. So avoiding an anxious are. Very common attachment styles that get together in relationships. So if you're finding yourself in this pattern, start recognizing it, do some research, I'll link some stuff, some research on the footnotes as well. So you guys can really like dig deep into what your attachment style is. I even have a quiz that all link on here. But it's so, because I think it's so important to have awareness and also for your partner to have awareness, and hopefully there'll be open to taking the quiz as well, so that you guys know how you both show up in relationships. And now the disorganized and disoriented attachment style. This attachment style usually experience a lot of trauma neglect or abuse, and this could have been emotional abuse, physical abuse, trauma, big trauma, little trauma, neglect of some sort, where they were like physically abandoned or they weren't being fed. And so. These people never have learned to self-sooth or emotionally regulate. And so everything feels unsafe to them. Relationships, the world around them. They get social anxiety. They feel like they can't step into a relationship. And if they do, they usually will find other abusive relationships to get into the field, like home, the home that they had growing up. And they'll stay stuck in those abusive patterns and behaviors. If you have this attachment style, you may swing between emotional extremes of like loving or hating your partner. You'll feel. You'll act insensitive towards your partner and their emotional needs. If they're crying, you'll be like, why are you crying? That doesn't even, why, why are you showing any emotion? You'll feel selfish. You act in selfish ways in the relationship you'll you might be controlling and trusting, explosive, abusive. And. Again, if this was trauma that you experienced, these are all things that were. That there were shown to you these were all things that you saw growing up and that you experienced yourself. So you're going to con continue repeating that. And you'll have maybe even some like antisocial negative behaviors or you'll get really, or you'll start abusing drugs or alcohol, or you'll be more prone to violence. And this attachment style is just terrified of being hurt again. And so they'll act in the same ways that were modeled to them as children. And they're really stuck in their trauma. And I would say this attachment style probably needs to go to therapy and talk to a licensed therapist, but instead of getting just a coach or a mentor, because there's some deep rooted healing that needs to be done there in order to see the patterns in the behaviors, because a lot of people, if you resonate with this attachment style, You might not even be aware that you're doing these things, you might not think that you're being controlling or selfish or abusive or emotionally neglecting to your partner or to yourself. And when those people are pointing it out, you become the victim. And so. This one's a really hard one to even explain a lot of people won't even have the awareness to relate to this one, but again, I'll list them all on here. The most common are the avoidant and the anxious and everyone's goal should be to become more secure in themselves and in relationships. So. I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. I'm more. So in this episode, wanting to give you guys even more awareness so that you understand the most people fall into one of these categories, and there's nothing wrong with it because we've all gone and experienced different things. And so we're going to act in these ways in relationships because of our past, but we get to choose, like I said, last week, we get to choose our narrative. We get to choose our story. And so I hope you guys have a beautiful week and I cannot wait to talk to you guys next week.