Love Series Part 3: Communicating your Needs, Desires & Triggers

Hi guys!  In this week's podcast episode, we're diving into the first installment of a four-part series exploring love-related topics for the month of February. As we embrace the spirit of love, let's embark on a journey of depth and vulnerability to manifest the love we crave. Throughout these four episodes, I'll guide you through gaining clarity, fostering self-awareness, and addressing essential aspects like healing from past relationship wounds, articulating your desires, and understanding triggers and needs, all leading to a profound sense of worthiness for the love you genuinely seek.  

Week three is about communicating your emotions from a grounded place so you can develop emotional safety with yourself and your partner. We also dive into how communicating your needs and desires is essential. 

Tune in and join me on this transformative exploration of love and self-discovery!


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Transcript

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so in turn what you get as a woman, if you're able to. Master that emotional regularity where you get is a partner that's willing and open to love you. Listen to your emotions grow together. And then they will do it too naturally. Hey guys, welcome to this week's episode. We're on week three of the love series. And as you could tell by the title, we will be talking about communicating your needs, desires, and troopers. And so have you listened to part one and part two, we've talked about releasing the past. Learning the lessons not staying in shame and guilt. Then we went through attachment styles to see which ones do you guys fall into and what you relate to. And so now that we've gained some awareness and now that we have more emotional awareness as well, to where we fall in the spectrum of all these things and what. Maybe parts of us, we want to heal and evolve and grow in. I want us to learn to communicate this. In relationship. And this is something that I consciously do. Every single day. And whenever things come up in my relationship, because it does not come natural to me. If we grew up in scenarios, especially if you're Hispanic or Latin, like me. Emotions weren't appreciated or accepted there. Weren't really even acknowledged. It was like, why are you crying? I want to give you something to cry about. Don't do this. Don't do that. Go over there. If there was any emotion, it was just like shutting down. And it was very much normal to scream and yell and. Be reactive with our emotions instead of just like sitting with them and understanding them and acknowledging them. And so if you grew up in this type of environment, it's not going to be innate or natural for us to want to express our emotions or communicate our feelings or be vulnerable, or let people know about our desires, especially if we were like made fun of growing up, or we had some trauma around that. Or if we've ever even to a partner discuss maybe ideas and goals and dreams that we had in our Pernice shut us down. All these things. Are going to make us not want to communicate, but if you listen to part one, if we want something better, if we want something more beautiful than we've ever had before we have to do things differently. And. Communication and our relationship is so important. And I know you've heard so many people say this relationship coaches. People on Instagram, anyone that talks about relationship is say communication support, which it is. But also understanding is important and it's just as important as communication. Being open to understanding one another and. I don't know that it's really easy to understand the other person, if we don't first understand ourselves. And we won't always be a hundred percent heal or understand ourselves fully or. Have emotional awareness every single time or communicate things perfectly. But it's in those imperfect times and when we are triggered and when things come up that we have the. Responsibility. To look within and ask yourselves, how can I do this better? And so. Let's dive in. I'm probably going to be all over the place with those, because I don't think there's just one way to communicate our feelings. Our emotions, our needs or desires or triggers. In our relationships because they come up while we're feeling those emotions. And so when we're in emotional states, we usually have blind spots and unless we're able to sit with them and have enough emotional regularity to be able to understand our emotions first and then voice them out of a place of. Feeling really grounded. We're usually going to say things the wrong way or not even really understand ourselves. So I guess let's start with that. How can we understand ourselves better when we're feeling an emotion? If we're feeling. Any sort of emotion, whether they're great emotions or maybe not so great emotions. I think all emotions are beautiful, but you know, there's emotions like anger. Or jealousy or fear or things to feel really heavy that we. It's harder for us to communicate because these already are such confusing feelings that we're feeling fear. Or things. Or anger comes up. There's usually an underlying reason and it's deeper than whatever it is that we're seeing. So in those times, right. So if they are in those times, it's so important for us to. Really sit with it and ask yourself, what is this emotion here to teach me? If you're boyfriend, husband, partner, whoever made you angry. Or did something to angry you? I hate to use the words they made me angry. Like no one can make you feel emotions. Your emotions are yours for you to own, and somebody can invoke these emotions in you, but it's your responsibility to figure out what they are and why they're there. So let's say your partner did something and it made you angry. It's so important to sit it's. It's in those times where you have to sit with yourself and say, Why am I angry at this? Am I angry at the actual thing that happened? Or is there some underlying reason has this happened before? Has this been a pattern or a behavior that I've maybe never spoke up about? And now it just bubbled up and it came to surface. Is this triggering a past trauma of a way that I was treated in the past by somebody. Is this for my childhood. This is kind of reflecting something that my mom or my dad did it, and it really hurt me back then. And it still hurts me now. And so when those quote unquote not so great emotions come up. Having enough self-awareness to be like, well, okay, this is what it is. The emotion is not bad or good. And you allow yourself, give yourself that acknowledgement. If I'm allowing myself to feel this, give yourself. The opportunity to feel it, because, like I said, if we grew up in an environment where emotions weren't really talked about or felt, or understood or. There were instead of voided and people were reactive towards your emotions, no one had that empathy or compassion towards you for those emotions. So it's so important to give that to ourselves now. And then ask yourself, what is it here to teach me? And so now if I get angry at something. I will go down the rabbit hole. Okay. Like, where is this coming from? And this is a practice, right? I'm still not great at it. I'm still like so hard for me to tell my partner, my desires, my needs, my wants, and communicate my triggers, or if I'm feeling fear because there's a, still a part of me that thinks. Well, he's not going to get it. He's going to reject me. He's going to say, why am I being this way? Y, you know, there's parts of me. That's still there still believes that there's not going to be understanding and empathy on the other side. So it's a practice. You have to consistently practice it. And the more you do it, the better at it. You'll get in the Morial. It will come natural. Right. And. After you've been able to sit with it and understand what it is. If it's still weighing heavy on your heart. So sometimes you're able to process them by yourself. And it's something that you just needed maybe to go through. And he'll you're on your own, but if it's important in the relationship and what I mean by important in the relationship, if it's. Happens again, it's going to cause some stress in the relationship or if this is a way that you really just don't enjoy feeling and there's something that you rather do about it. Because if you feel like this again, you don't know that if in your body you'll be able to hold it, your nervous system got dis-regulated, you felt nervous. You feel anxious, you felt stressed, you felt depressed. If it caused any of these like big emotions, it's important for you to communicate it in a relationship. Because what happens when we don't is that the other person inevitably is going to trigger you in some way, shape or form. And sometimes in, in the same ways that have already occurred in the past. And then all of the emotions that you didn't communicate are going to come up and that person you're going to explode on that person, or you're going to be reactive. And that person's nine. Evernote. That it did not come from that one specific instance. And that has been a trail of things have happened in your energetic body, in your nervous system. Especially when it comes to men. Men are not emotional creatures. I'm going to say it until I'm blue in the face. Men are not here to lead us with our emotions. We're here to lead us with emotions and lead the relationship with emotions. And so when we're able to come to them very grounded and ask them if we're able to express ourselves in a time, that's good for them as well. I've also recognized that. We have to be conscious of the other person and their state of mind and being. Because we've been feeling a certain way because we've been sitting this with some feeling or emotion for hours or days doesn't mean that when you're ready to talk about it, it's the right time for the relationship. Your husband, boyfriend partner can be. Having a rough day or be juggling 300 things in the middle of their Workday. I mean, I've called my boyfriend. I'm like, Hey, I have this heavy emotion. I just need to talk about it because I'm of course like my masculine energy, it came out when I was like, I need to just let this out and talk about it because I have something to do. You have something to do? We have a busy day and I just have to let it out. And I've gotten better at that, but. I was just happy with myself that at that point, I even said what I needed to save versus holding it in. And so even in that interaction on my cocaine, even though it felt good, we had a great conversation and I was like, how could I do this better? Don't wait until things are bad too. Learn ways to make things better and communicate more. Ideally. So again, because you're feeling a certain way doesn't mean that it's the right time asking your partner. If you can come to them with something heavy that's on your mind on emotion that you're feeling. Is important because then they're able to say, yeah, I can hold this for you or no, you know, what can we do this later on today? I'm a little distracted right now, men. Are able to focus on like one thing at a time. They're not able to see things. As vast and interconnected as we do, even if some men are really good and in touch with their emotions, they're still like limited in their capacity. In that sense, just like we're limited in our capacity. To, you know, do other masculine things, right? That's a feminine trait to be interconnected and emotions. Just kind of all be relative to one another. So it's important for us to give our partners the respect to ask them if it's a good time to talk about something, or if you're in the topic of it already, of course, bring it up. You don't have to ask them for permission to bring something up. If you're already talking about it. And when you do this, you really start creating safety. So what I've noticed with my boyfriend and he listens to these podcasts episodes. So, Hey honey, if you're listening. Um, what I've noticed with him is that I love to talk about relational stuff and personal development and growth and mindset and all these things, but I can talk forever. And ever and ever, and ever. Um, And sometimes when we're talking about. Deep emotional things. When we get to a resolution. I can see it sometimes in his eyes, like he's ready, he's done. And he's like, cool. We made it yay. Like then where us women, we can like beat a dead horse and we can keep talking about the same thing over and over and over again. But that's exhausting. For us as well, but it's exhausting for a man. What I've also learned in communicating, especially with men, is that. When we're able to come fully aware and we're not trying to just sucked the emotion with them. We're not trying to just go around in circles and I feel this way and you did this and you did that. We're not bringing them into the chaos. We're bringing them into the emotion. And once you're able to voice the emotion, they're able to be understanding open, empathetic, compassionate, and then find some resolution together. That's it. That's where it should end, unless you still have some more emotions that you need to explain or talk about. But once there's a resolution. We have to be okay with the resolution, of course, but we have to learn when to drop it as well. Because if we don't, we start not creating a safe place for a man to hear us. Men want solutions are leaders. They're goal oriented. They're solution-based. This is why they always try to fix our problems, even though we just want them to listen to us. And so when we. Keep beating a dead horse and we keep going around in circles and we're bringing them into all of our emotions and all of our things. They don't feel like they've been successful. They don't feel like they've accomplished anything. They don't feel. Like they did a good job. And I want to give you this perspective, just so you see both sides because I do get women in my DM say, well, how can I communicate this to him? How can I make him feel loved? How could I make him feel cared for? How could I make him feel safe? We all have the same needs, but just, they need to be fulfilled in different ways. So in order for a man to give you that space emotionally, he needs to feel safe enough to know that one. You're not going to come to him with explosive emotions of you did this. You did that. And you're an asshole. And I can't believe this. You're not going to be yelling. You're not going to be emotionally reactive. And you're also not going to suck him into your emotional whirlwind. So now he knows that anytime he come to him with an emotion. There's vulnerability. There's connection and resolution. These are three essential things and all our communication with our partners, we want to be vulnerable. We want to be heard and have empathy with one another. And then we want some sort of resolution. And what I mean by resolution is not that the emotion needs to be fixed or he can't make me less angry. He can't say something's going to make me less angry. But if there was an action that say that he took that made me feel a certain way, or it triggers me from the past, he can say, well, you know what? I'll act in this way from now on so that I can avoid making you feel this way. That's a resolution, right? So it's not telling the other person what to do. It's not being controlled of. It's not being manipulative. It's not telling. Them, how you want them to act is taking responsibility for your side, being vulnerable and open and creating that for each other. And so in turn what you get as a woman, if you're able to. Master that emotional regularity where you get is a partner that's willing and open to love you. Listen to your emotions grow together. And then they will do it too naturally. It's eventually right. It's not natural for men to talk about their emotions. Most men don't even know what they're feeling. They're more go, go, go reactive. And they're not able to actually slow down enough to know what they're feeling emotionally, especially because they've always been taught to not feel their emotions, men don't cry and all these gender roles that have been doctrinated into their brains. So. We ended up creating the emotional safety that we need within ourselves and then in the relationship as well. And then they start being vulnerable with us and we get to just be receptive and open to them as well and understand them and give them the same love. Compassion and respect that they're giving us. So that's just more discussing the triggers and your needs. And I also want to talk about communicating your desires, ladies, this is so important. Because. We as women desire a lot, we are thinkers. We're daydreaming, a lot. We're envisioning things. And so. If we feel afraid to communicate our desires, our wildest dreams or big dreams or. The big life we've created in our head with our partners. You'll start growing apart little by little. It won't even happen overnight, but slowly or you'll start to. Compromise your desires and live in his reality. And so. Again, This is for you to have enough. Discernment to what desires you bring to the table and actually have to do with the relationship and which ones don't have anything to do with the relationship and the desires or more of your own. And you can let them know those as well, but they don't need, you know, you don't specifically need to tell them every single desire that runs through your brain or every goal or every dream, But when it comes to the relationship specifically, it is important for you to communicate those desires. If you desire to be one in dying, because he loved going out on date night. I love that. Big love language for me is if he told me, Hey, get ready. We're going to go to dinner. You made reservations. Like, I like that, that makes me feel good. Always keep your desires. In the forefront of your relationship and ask him what his are as well. Like one of my favorite things to do, I just started doing this during date nights is that we asked each other questions or we'll come up with like our three favorite best things about each other or three things that we want to accomplish as a couple or whatever. I've created like these random questions during date night that just cultivate more connection and we're vulnerability and admiration for each other. There's think about how busy life gets. How many times do you actually tell your partner? That you desire them, that you love them, that you admire them, that you're proud of them, that you respect them or vice versa. How many times do you actually get that from your partner? So when you go on date nights, when you have uninterrupted time together, when you carve out time to be together, make it purposeful. Don't only talk about life and the kids and the bills. And. You know, the stresses of life, make it. Fun, make it energetic, make it. Spicy make it exciting so that you never stopped eating each other, but it's a conscious effort, right? Things get Dole. People get complacent because they stopped trying. And this is true for anything. If you look at any area of your life, if you stop trying at work, if you stopped trying in your business, if you stop trying your relationships. Anytime, any place he stopped trying. Or you get too comfortable, you get complacent and stagnant. You don't grow, you don't evolve things. Start getting dull. And one of my biggest things. And I mean, being in a relationship with me is like, you already know you're going to have a lot of writing because I can not just stay in one place. Too long and not like physically, I have moved around a lot, but just in an energetic space for too long, my capacity is always growing and evolving and I translate that into my business. And I translate that into how I show up for you guys. And I translate this into my relationship and my friendships with my family members. And every single area. So. Being vulnerable is beautiful. And I want to give you permission if you're listening to this and maybe you're having hesitation. Or you don't know how to, it's not going to be easy. It's not sexy. It's uncomfortable at the beginning. You don't even know what you're saying. How you're saying things. I've been practicing this with my boyfriend for the last year, almost. And we stumble on our words. We don't know what we're saying. Sometimes. Sometimes it's not so clear. We know when to take breaks. We know when, you know, the energy is getting a little stuffy or we're a little too hot headed or angry or frustrated, and we never want to bring that into our relationship. So analyze yourself, analyze yourself in a relationship in the past. If you're not in one now or how you want to be in the future. And start practicing it. Now, if you're not in a relationship and you don't have anyone to practice this with practicing with your friends, practice with your family members, practice it at work, practice it with people around you. The more you do it, the better you're going to get it in the more comfortable you're going to get with it. And then you start with what I realized is that you start expanding as a human being so much like the amount of empathy and compassion that I have for myself. I is so much bigger. Now that I've been in a relationship with TJ. Because I've been able to be so vulnerable and I've seen parts of myself and shared things with him that I haven't shared with beef. With people before, or I value him and admire him in ways that I've never valued or admired anyone before. And. I feel as I'm a different person already. I've opened myself up in my heart and my energy and every single way I've expanded. And I feel proud of myself. A lot of the ways that. Some of the ways that we can keep our confidence high is by doing new things and proving to ourselves that we can only get better. And even if we fail or we don't do things perfect, or we don't do them so great that we can keep trying and we will get better and analyzing ourselves and continue growing. And so I hope you guys enjoyed this episode before I leave. I do want to remind you guys that I have. New ways to work with me. I mentioned that in part one, but I have 90 minute intensives for my ladies. And what this is is a 90 minute coaching call with me. But before the coaching call, I sent you a questionnaire with details uh, by your past present and future. So I know where you've been. I know where you're at and I know where you want to go. And this is for either my single ladies. My program is called, empower her. For the single ladies, I have one, that's a relationship reset for ladies in relationships or that are married. And then I have a reclaim you, which is for my ladies that are going through heartbreak or through divorce. And what I do in those 90 minutes is that we get really clear, I help you release and break up with your past attachments. Recognize your blind spots. Step into your power. Remove self doubt, limiting beliefs. I teach you how to self validate, gain emotional awareness gain emotional regulation. And start creating safety within yourself so that you can start. Showing up and communicating your needs, your desires and your triggers so they can show up in healthier ways. So you can get to them more secure attachment style. So that you could become the best version of you. I'm super passionate about this, these 90 minute intensives are for my ladies that have some self-awareness that have. Gotten so far. And they're like, I love where I'm at, but I want to get better. I want to see where I'm missing something where I want to grow. And how to make either my dating life, better, my relationship better, or how to heal from this heartbreak better. And I'm here to just help you. And then we come up with a plan. So I give you like a three-month strategy plan. And then we have follow-up touch, touch up calls after that, but those 90 minutes are so essential. So crucial. You'll also get the 90 minute recording afterwards, along with my plan for you and tools. So I've created and I keep creating more and more tools as a coach. And depending on what you need, I give you access to these tools. Some of them are meditations, emotional freedom to Nique. Tappings there ways to create more safety journal prompts, ways to expand your energy and your capacity. So I love what I do and I'm super passionate about it. And I created this so that I can have more ways to even help you guys. If you're interested in the links are in the footnotes, along with a discount that's special just for my podcast listeners. And as always, I am so, so grateful for each and every one of you. Thank you for tuning in. I think by the time that this episode has aired, it's been a little over a year since I've had this podcast and I am so happy and so thrilled to be here every single week and show up for you guys consistently and help you in any way that I can please share this episode and leave a review. If you feel called to. I appreciate you all. And I'll see you next week.