Embrace Your Worth: Cultivating Self-Validation Over External Validation.

Join us in this week's episode as we dive into the roots of our craving for external validation, tracing it back to our early childhood experiences. There comes a point in time when the external validation we once received dwindles, leaving us unsure of how to fill that void for ourselves. In this enlightening episode, I guide you through bridging that gap and discovering authentic ways to practice self-validation. Learn how to make self-validation a primary source of affirmation, transforming external validation into a delightful bonus rather than a desperate necessity in your life. 


If you've been following my journey you know I started my self-help journey 5 years ago by going to therapy while I was very unhappy with everything in my life.

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Transcript

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no one teaches us how to transition in life. No one teaches us that that external validation is just. A mirror and a reflection of how we should treat ourselves. And so what happens because we don't know how to fill that gap. We don't know how to fill that void. We start looking for external validation, For years, I struggled with toxic relationships and understanding my own emotions. I found myself repeating the same cycles with different people and living in victimhood. I am Maria, your host, and I specialize in self mastery coaching. I've spent the last few years working with various therapists in order to heal my own traumas and help others. This podcast is your dedicated resource for gaining emotional intelligence, nurturing self awareness, and cultivating healthy relationships. If you're prepared to master your emotions, improve your relationships, and create captivating self confidence. Then this podcast is for you. Thank you for listening and welcome to this week's episode. Hey guys. Welcome to this week's episode. I am back back from vacation. I am a super refresh, super grounded. I promise myself to be really present and try to relax on vacation. That was one of mine and teachers is goal. The one we were on vacation. We both have so much going on. And we're doing long distance. So whether we're working on multiple things, multiple businesses and work. Or traveling to see each other. We're like, well, this is reset that we need. And while I was on vacation, I really just wanted hiatus. So for a few days, like half of our vacation in St. Lucia, we went for 10 days. Half of it. I was like, I just want to get off social media. Like you don't have to do it, but I want to do it. And so I took a hiatus and I felt so amazing. We both did. He actually joined me in it and I was so excited that he did, because it really just took away the pressure of being like, I have to document, I have to post something. I have to remind people, I have to do this. I have to do that. And even though I love doing that. I love showing up on social media and connecting with so many of you. It just took that away and help me just be grounded and present in the moment and take it all in. It was the most magical vacation of my life. I'll have to share that with you guys in some way. I'm thinking I'm probably going to start. A newsletter, um, an email newsletter so that I can talk about things that are really personal to me that I don't necessarily care to share on a podcast episode, because there are more personal stories. Um, and even though I think that they could help you in some way, they're just a little more personal. And I would like to just maybe do it for the main people that would want to hear these stories. And so I cannot wait to share more about that vacation with you guys, but for now I want to share a few downloads that I had a few aha moments, a few things that came to me during vacation and. I'll spread them out in different episodes, but for this one, I want to talk about external validation. This is something that I've always thought about and had to process within myself, because I honestly I'm somebody that doesn't love outside, like attention and, or like compliments. Like I never really cared for compliments. I always felt really uncomfortable. I'll take them now. And I appreciate them now, but on a different frequency and a different level. But growing up in Miami, such a pretentious city, such a. Visual city. Everyone's gorgeous. Everyone's dressed to the tee. Everyone's beautiful. I had to always. I felt like I always had to show up and dress a certain way and look a certain way and get the attention from my peers, my girlfriends men at the time. Especially when I was younger in my early twenties. So there was definitely. A pressure that I felt growing up in Miami to look a certain way and feel a certain way. And so. I've released a lot of my Miami ways, especially now being 34 almost. And I haven't lived in Miami since I was 18. So. There's been years in the making of me releasing this external validation that I felt was in my core, especially, even growing up. And so I want to talk about in childhood first, because this is where growing up. This is where it all started for me. And I'm sure it started for you to needing that external validation. Before I share my story of my childhood and how I sought out external validation. Let's talk about how we all do to a certain extent. When we're babies, when we're toddlers, when we do anything, we get praised. We get told we're doing amazing. We're doing amazing for walking for chewing free smiling. We get. We get all this validation, all this attention for doing the most normal human things possible. And so we start feeling like that's what we want. Right. That's how we get attention babies. If you notice babies behaviors, children's behavior. They will act in ways that will get them the mother's attention. And they'll start learning really early on that if they smile, they get hugged. If they get, if they laugh or they giggles that they'll get hugged or whatever it is that they're yearning and wanting for. They start to do to get that attention and that validation. So we start learning from early childhood. And infancy that if we do an act in certain ways, we will get what we want. And sometimes we learn to do it in very toxic ways and manipulative ways. And that's why some children are really good at manipulating their parents because they they've studied. You children's study. You've studied. So as a child, when you were a child, you studied your parents. You're like, well, if I do this, I'll get attention. Whether it's good or bad. And so when our parents aren't able to validate us in healthy ways, We'll look for unhealthy ways to get validated. Whether that's screaming, crying, yelling, throwing a tantrum, at least it gets the mother's attention. The father's attention, somebodies attention. We started doing that sometimes as we grow up, because we're not able to understand our emotions, we're not getting the same attention. We're not getting the applauses for walking and going to the bathroom. And. Learning how to put our socks on or learning how to tie our shoes. We're not getting that attention anymore. It's like, okay, well, yeah. You know how to tie your shoes. Great. Well, yeah, you're laughing. Okay. Big deal. You laugh all the time. It's not, you're not getting that recognition. That amazingness, that feeling of like, wow, I'm amazing. Look at me. I'm doing great. And so as we get older as children. And we start getting into our teenage years. What happens is no one teaches us how to transition in life. No one teaches us that that external validation is just. A mirror and a reflection of how we should treat ourselves. And so what happens because we don't know how to fill that gap. We don't know how to fill that void. We start looking for external validation, right? We want men to give us that validation in romantic settings. Or our friends, we want our girlfriends to give us that we want. Whoever we start looking for it outside of us and accomplishments, maybe we are in some sports and we want our coaches to validate us. So we started looking for ways to give that same feeling, to get that same feeling, that same external validation that we used to get when we were children. And we're in search, we're in search for this, but where we're searching in all the wrong places. And before I continue on. I do want to say external validation is amazing. Like who doesn't like to get a compliment who doesn't like to hear you're doing a great job or you're amazing, or you're beautiful, or you're kicking ass. You're doing amazing. All these things are amazing. They're great. All these, all these things you hear from people are amazing and they're great. All of that's amazing, but when you learn to give it to yourself first, All the external validation. Hits you different. It feels, it fuels you differently. It's feeds your soul in a different way. And so. This is something, no one teaches us. This is something that we kind of have to figure out through trial and error to through doing it enough times through having crappy friends and. Waiting for friends to validate us and learning. Well, why, why am I acting in this way to get attention? Why am I not even being my true, authentic self to get attention? Why am I over-giving and love? Why am I finding the wrong men? Why am I just looking for physical attention? When I really want is into intimate relationships, I want a man to feel close to me emotionally. I don't really care for him to look at me physically. And so I'll share my story now of when I was a child. And. How growing up it was, my mom was very much about what, the way she looked and how she dressed and that's all I ever stopped. My mom was very classy. She dressed really well. She was always like in tip top shape, her hair was done. Always had this beauty standard for myself as well. And so I always felt like I had to dress up. I had to look a certain way. I had to be perfect. I had to, my hair had to be done. Everything had to be done. And sure it taught me a lot of great things and I think that's what's great about parents. Is that. We might not love the way we were raised or how we felt like we needed to search for that external validation, but it does teach us a lot about ourselves. And so growing up in Miami, With my mother, the way that she was, she lied a lot. Like she always just had to make her life look, picture perfect instead of feel picture perfect. She was more worried about the exterior. Then the interior. And so that's something that as I grew up and I started realizing and noticing things, and I started thinking, looking at things from a bird's eye view, I worked at a psychiatrist's office when I was 18. I started working with him and just. He almost just gave me therapy, like looking back now, like he was just giving me like free therapy as a psychiatrist. And I started studying psychology in college and all these little steps that brought me to realizing, wait a minute, why. Why do I care so much? And then I moved away. I moved away from my may. I retrieved myself from this toxic. Environment where looks are everything. And the way you look on the outside is more important than the way you feel on the inside. And so I started really realizing like, okay, I do like to feel good. Like, what is me and what is not me? What has. Been me my whole life. What have I felt like I had to become in order to feel that validation and what are parts of me do I like to actually dress up? Yes, I do. Do I like to feel good about myself? Yes, I do. But do I need it? External validation. No, I don't. And actually, truly don't even like it I've. I've I've never even like being hit on, like by men. Like it annoys me because the deeper I've been getting with myself, especially in the last 10 years. And it's has been, it's been a slow journey, but the last five years, I really dove into like personal development. So if anyone hit on me in the last five years, there was almost like this repulsiveness that I felt. Because to me, a man hitting on me that knows nothing about me and it's kind of sleazy and it's just like, Trying to talk to me if felt. It feels. It feels like all they want is something physical. Right? All they're seeing is that external is that same shell that my mom was trying to make perfect. That my mom wanted me to show off to the world as perfection. And so. When I would get hit on, I would get annoyed and I'm like, this doesn't feel good because you don't even know me. You have no idea who I am and I'm so much better on the inside than I am on the outside. Even though the outside is pretty as well. I get that like it's attractive and I work on it and like, there's things about me that I know captures attention, but my insides are way more important to me. And so as you're listening to this, ask yourself, In one moment in time now, as an adult, do you seek in urine for that external validation and don't feel any shame about it? Because we've all been there. We've all had moments where you're like, I want attention. Of course, in my early twenties, I would go to the clubs and. I would dress up and I wanted. You know, to have heads turn and. Everyone looked at me and all these things. But what is a feeling? You, what is it feeding you and why do you need it? And how can you give it to yourself? How can you give it to yourself first? And this is a part. This is, this is where I feel like most people don't get this. We don't get this from, I would say like late childhood into our teenage years. This is where it's the most important that someone needs to teach us. Someone needs to teach everyone this. And if you're a mom, this listening to this. Please teach this, especially if they're little girls. External validation. The validation you're giving your children the validation that you got from your parents. We need to give to ourself. So those were just examples. So I was just, I'm just showing us how we need to give that to ourselves. So in, in those transitional years of our lives, how do we give that to ourselves? I truly believe that this will shift so much for the generations to come. And just because you're older now and you didn't have that shift then does not mean that you can't have that shift. Now how that shift with me right now? Sit with it. Ask yourself. How can I give him myself validation? And I'm going to give you a few ways that I've given myself the validation and they've worked for me. And that I truly see it working for clients. And I truly see it working for other people in my life and other mentors that have been mentored me. And I've seen, I've seen the results happen in real time. And. When you self validate something, miraculous happens. Something very beautiful habits within your soul. It's just like knowing you're you're coming back to yourself. It's like your soul is like, ah, there you are. There you are. We didn't need anything else outside of us. It's always just been right here and thank you for coming back to me. And it's never like this moment and epitome that you're going to have, and it's all going to be like, well, yes, I hit this. This miracle hap moment. And now I can self validate and nothing else matters. No, it's like a compounding effect. And it's something you have to consciously do and consciously check yourself every single time. And so for me, a lot of it was. I celebrated wins big or small. I remember growing up, I didn't really get a lot of celebrations. Celebrations were just like birthdays and. That was pretty much it not even if I got into grades that I get celebrated, I didn't really get much celebration in my life. And so when I became an adult, I realized like that was something I always wanted. From other people, but I had to give it to myself because. Other people in my life were invalidating me the way I wanted to with I wasn't being celebrated the way I want to do so I started celebrating big wins and small wins, especially the small ones. And what are small wins? Okay tomorrow, I'm going to go to the gym and I'm going to work out for 30 minutes. When small win tomorrow, I'm going to eat really healthy, really clean, win, small win. We're big win. Maybe that's a big win for you for me, where I'm at in life. Now it's a small wind, but in some point in my life, when I didn't like working out. Five six years ago when it wasn't a habit, when it wasn't a ritual of mine. That was a big win, right. That was huge. When. Huge wins. Oh, my gosh, I accomplished something that I wanted in my business, in my work, in my career, huge wins. I was able to be vulnerable with my partner. I was able to tell him how I felt we didn't fight. We actually understood each other. It could have become something ugly and instead it became something beautiful. Big wins. You said you were going to start something. He did it. Even procrastinating, it's something and you moved big, wins, little wins. I'm going to honor myself little wins. I'm going to drink enough water today. Little wins. I'm going to. Put on something beautiful today, make myself feel beautiful. Whatever bigger little means to you do them and compound them and celebrate and be like, wow, I'm so proud of myself. How proud of myself. Am I today? I actually started journaling this every single night, I would wake up with the, well, at first I would wake up with the intention and say, today, I'm going to do X, Y, and Z. And it would be, I'm going to eat healthy. I'm going to work out. I'm not going to. You know, Have negative self-talk this was like earlier on in my. The personal development career, I'm not going to talk badly or poorly about myself. And if I do, I'm going to forgive myself. And I'm going to forgive myself quickly. And at the end of the day, I'm going to tell myself I'm so proud of myself. And so that was the intention for the day. And whether I did it perfectly or not, at the end of the day, I would journal and say, wow, I am so proud of myself today. I did really great. And yes, I could've done this better, but I'm still so proud of myself because I'm so much better today than I was yesterday. And I get my, I gave myself that pat on the back. I said, I'm proud of myself. I wrote it down. So it's, it's concrete, it's on paper, someone validated me and that was myself and it felt good. Felt good the first time, but it felt way better. The 10th time I did it, it felt even better. The 20th time I did it and then I didn't even have to read down anymore. It was just consciously. I was like, I'm so proud of myself. Like, wow, I did that. Wow. I did that. You know what I did to something differently. I broke a loop. I broke a cycle. I was able to communicate better. I was able to show up for myself today. I was able to. Say what I needed without getting angry. I was able to. Articulate myself. I was able to do the scary thing. I was able to climb a little further up without feeling fear of failure. And even if I felt the fear, I still did it anyways. I'm so proud of myself. I'm so proud of myself. I'm so proud of myself and it just became habit. Alright, how are habits created? You have to do them often. You can just do them one time and be like, well, it didn't work, Maria. This girl in some podcasts said, If I write down, I'm proud of myself. Five times, five days, 10 days, 20 days. Then I'm just going to be, it's going to just happen. No, it's a conscious effort as, as much as you think of the negative things and the bad things, and then you search for that external validation because your mind is in the gutter and it's always negative and it's always just looking for what's wrong and you're looking for others to give you what's right. You get to choose. To give yourself that perspective of, wow, this is going right. And even when things didn't go right, you could say, I learned a lesson and I can just do better tomorrow. I forgive myself and move on. Another thing I did was released self-doubt self-doubt is just fear of not being good enough. That's the underlying fear is that you're not going to be good enough. So I'm going to doubt myself. I'm going to say, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to be fearful. I'm not procrastinate. I'm not going to do this. I'm gonna self sabotage. I'm gonna blah, blah, blah. We'll come up with so many things. So that we don't actually go after the thing, because if we feel like we go after the thing and we do bad and we actually give it a hundred percent and we actually do poorly and we don't do well. Then that's going to mean something personal about us. It's going to mean that we really suck because we actually went all the way in. And, you know, we don't let that stop us this time. And we suck now because we failed. We did the thing, we went all the way in and we suck now. That is not the story. That is a story of you choose for it to be the story. Or the story could be. I went all in. I might've failed. I fell on my ass. I got back up. I learned the lessons and I did it again. And I did a better the second time. And even better the third time, the third time is what you, what has to happen. And guess what? Now you're validating yourself. You're saying even what I thought that the worst thing could happen and it did. I still got up and I did it again. UQ check self validated, validated that I am. Resilient. I validated that I am unstoppable. I validated that my self doubt is just a fear of. And I could just see it alongside me and say, Hey, thank you for your thanks for showing up. I know you're just here to keep me safe. You are not my story. You're not what I choose today. Because those are standards that you've just set for yourself. The standards that you either set for yourself, or there were programmed in your early childhood, that things had to be a certain way in order for them to be perfect. And that was the only way you got external validation. And so now you're operating from, if I don't do this a certain way, and then this doesn't happen this way, that's how you should get external validation. So if I don't do it the same way now, I'm never going to get validation. Not true. That's how you got external validation. That's not how you get internal validation. And internal validation will outweigh the external validation a hundred percent more. I promise you just keep practicing those, those two little shifts and then what stories, I mean, this, this goes all along, but what, what stories are you telling yourself? Are you constantly telling yourself? Oh my gosh, I'm so stupid. I didn't do this. Well. Can't believe I did that. Are you harping on all of the things that you could've done better on the things that you failed at? Are you focusing on. What you could have done better. Or are you doing better? This, this just happened to me the other day. I work in commercial insurance and. I'll be honest. I'm a really good salesperson. Like I can. Sell almost anything to anyone I always have. I always will. When I got into commercial insurance, I had only done personal lines insurance for six years. Commercial insurance, whole different monster, whole different ballpark. I started with a company, worked for the company for two and a half months killed it for two months. Like I sold my little butt off because I knew there was like this commission structure. Pay plan thing that was happening. And I knew that after like four months, my pay structure would change and it's going to be a lot more commission-based. So I worked my ass off for two months, not knowing a thing about commercial insurance. I was getting all the, all the validation. I was like, oh my gosh, you're amazing. Or this you're the, ah, okay, great. I was so focused on just doing that. I didn't even care. I didn't really care what was happening on the outside. Right. And I was like, okay, great. Yeah. Thanks. But I'm just so focused on me. I need to do this for myself. Two and a half months I worked there because the company shut down. I went under. My financial situation and all closed down. The owner of that company has a best friend. And he sends me and Zack that I work with and I've worked with for seven years. He sends. His best friend that has this other big company in Connecticut. And he says, you need to hire these two people. These two are killers. These two are amazing. These two are going to come and change and shift things for you and your company. And I get offered a job. I didn't even look for a job. I even said to my boyfriend, I was like, I, I'm not going to get on indeed. I'm not looking for a job. You know what. I really trust and surrender that like things are going to work out the way that they need to. We get hired. I've been there for two and a half months now, I think, And we're getting all this validation, external validation. It's like, you're amazing. You guys are amazing. We're so excited for you. We're so excited for you. Last month in February, I had like my worst sales month that I've had. Probably like ever and granted, I went 10 days to St. Lucia. So that's part of it. But when I came back, I was like, you know what? It's it feels nice to hear that. You're amazing. You're incredible. And even though I'm not doing to my standards, what's the best. They still think I'm great. And I had to say to myself, let me audit myself, let me check myself. Because the external validation, it doesn't mean anything. I'm not proud of how I'm performing In my work place in my environment, in my career. And actually I really enjoy what I do. I love commercial insurance because it really challenges me and challenges me in a different way. And it helps me use a different part of my brain. So at that moment, I was like, okay, what story am I telling myself? I'm telling myself I'm great, but am I great? Am I doing great? Let me self audit. Let me do better. Because I need to feel good at the end of the day and say I gave it my all. And sometimes we feel like we are giving it our all, but are we really, are you giving it your all? Like, okay. I'm going to try, I'm going to do this. I'm going to just like, I'm going to give him my all. But I'm going to give it like 85% because I feel really scared that if I give it my all. It might not work out in a means that I'm a shitty person. I'm a shitty insurance person, right? No, I was like, I have to go full on what can I do better. Humble yourself. Ask yourself questions. Deeper questions. That's how you start getting that self validation. It's it's never about anyone. Else's. It's you against you, it's you versus you. It's you who you are today versus who you were yesterday, who you want to be tomorrow. And when we start just really honing in on that, right? Like, so now. I still get the same compliments. I still get people telling me, oh, you're the Maria. Everyone talks about. Which is so weird when people say that, to me, whether it's in my coaching or an insurance, like it's still boggles my brain because I am so focused on being better every day and internally validating myself. Then when I get external validation, I'm like, thank you. Like. Thank you. It feels good, but it doesn't feel me. Like, I always thought that I would actually always wanted this recognition deep down inside. I wanted people to see me. I'm like, why do people want to see me? I didn't see myself. I didn't validate myself. People didn't truly see who I was until I started seeing who I truly was. And it has, I had to expose myself. All of myself, my vulnerabilities, my fears, my dials, my insecurities. All of it, not only to myself to put to the external world, and now I create amazing connections and I get all the external validation, but it doesn't feel me the way that I thought it always would. I thought that I would hit this pinnacle. I'll be honest. I thought I would hit this pinnacle in life. Where the man of my dreams, who I have now. Would come and be like, you're amazing. You're this you're that? And I would be like, yes. So my gosh, I feel saved. I feel. Like. Everything's just coming full circle. And this is a moment I prayed for. And now it feels even better than that because it doesn't come from, oh, I need him to, to validate me. I'm like, wow, I am so good. I'm so good. I validate myself. I don't need attention from random men. I don't need attention from, and this is the vibe. This is the energy that he feels as well. He feels secure in the relationship because I'm not looking for external validation. From other people from other men from other. Friends from whoever he knows that I'm solid and when I'm not solid, I tell him I'm feeling not solid. And we work on it together, right. If I'm not feeling solid, for whatever reason I talk it through. And so now when I get that external validation, whether it's work friends, Family my relationship with my beautiful relationship, but then I'm in, I'm like, ah, it's like a belonging. It's like, I'm, I was always meant to be here, but it's a different feeling than what I thought it would be. In the best way. In a more fulfilling way actually. Because I thought that in the past it would feel like someone was giving to me something that I didn't know how to even get myself. And now I'm giving it to myself and it's a homecoming to yourself. And so what stories are you telling yourself? What are you saying that you're not good enough that you're not going to ever get there? You're never going to do this. You're never going to do that. That's how the world sees you. There's a light within all of us and no one is you and that's your super power today. And I always talk about this. He's, he's the one that articulated this to me and it's so true. No one is you and that's your superpower. What stories are you telling yourself? Are you telling yourself that life is just hard? That life is just against you, that you were just dealt the wrong hands and you were just dealt the wrong, miss the wrong that, then that is a story. That will be your story, right? So ask yourself, how can I validate myself? What feels good? Do some trial and error. Do some things that I just said, and then find out what works for you. Maybe celebrating big and small wins. Don't worry free. Maybe celebrating all the small wins works for you. Maybe celebrating the fact that you wake up every single day and having so much gratitude works for you. Fine. We'll works for you and use this podcast and any other personal development that you listened to as a guide, as something that opens you up a little more. How I see when I record these episodes. It's like I'm opening up people's portals mentally. I expand their minds. I open up a little bit more of their consciousness. And I make different shifts. There's a little shift, but then you have to go and you have to take the action. You have to go apply the things that shifted in you. Okay. Something shifted in you after you listened to them. So you're like, hell yeah, I'm going to go validate. Myself all day long after I listened to this girl, Maria, on her podcast. She's so right. I'm going to validate myself. Okay. You do a day. You do it tomorrow, but you, are you going to get continuously do it? The actions is where it's at the actions, the momentum, the habits you create, all this, you do all that. So I'm going to leave it at that. Thank you so much for listening and. Even though external validation is not as important as the internal validation. I see you. You're beautiful. You've got this. And if that's what you need to hear today to go move and shift it and give it to yourself and really, really understand that. What I just said is true. And honor that for yourself. And say, yes, I am all those things then. Go for it. I look forward to talking to you guys next week,