Episode 153: Finding Resilience through Life's Heartbreaks with Lydia

Ever been crushed by a breakup and wondered if the pain would ever end? Well, our guest today, Lydia, a renowned dating and breakup coach, believes that breakups can be a transformative journey. She walks us through that rollercoaster of raw vulnerability, loneliness, and grief, but not without shedding light on the resilience and self-discovery that can rise from the ashes of heartbreak. Buckle up as we dive deep into the emotional turmoil of breakups, offering a comforting presence during these challenging times.

Learn more about Lydia here and access her free tapping guide here. 

To learn more about The Bliss Retreat, visit thebalancebliss.ca/retreat 

Chapters

• 0:01 Healing From Breakups
• 11:46 Reinventing Yourself After a Breakup
• 24:52 Navigating Heartbreak and Finding Healing

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to the Balance and Bliss podcast. I'm your host, andrea Mondu, a three-time published author, speaker and a lifestyle transformation coach who believes everyone should be given the gift of knowing how to live their lives, feeling healthy and empowered. Things like moving your body regularly and feeling it well, taking care of your mind, setting boundaries, practicing self and body, acceptance, personal growth, manifestation and everything in between. Wellness is not linear and it's not just one thing. It expands into so many areas and on this show we're going to talk about just that. We're all striving to live a little more healthy and a little more well, but what does that even mean? My goal is to help you see that you can move from the mundane to the magic when it comes to living aligned and fulfilled, and by tuning in each week you can be assured you'll leave with nuggets of wisdom that you can implement into your day to day, like right now, to help you maximize your health, wellness and your life. Now let's dive in. Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode.

Speaker 1: 1:14

Today's going to be a good one because what we're going to be chatting about today is, I think, a human experience. Not, I think, I know, it's a human experience that every single person goes through and it's painful and it can feel really raw and make you feel in a really vulnerable state, but it is very much a common human emotion. So I'm here today to talk about breakups and healing from breakups and all of that good stuff with my guests. So I'm joined by Lydia today and she's making this like a beautiful smile that you can't see, but I saw it, so that was great. So why don't you tell everybody a little bit about the work that you do? Because I, when you reach out to me, I'm like a breakup coach. It's something that we all go through, but like I've never heard of there being a supportive person that can kind of help you through that. So why don't you tell everybody a little bit about who you are?

Speaker 2: 2:13

Absolutely Well. Thank you so much, andrea, for that introduction, and likewise, you have a beautiful smile and energy that I just feel radiating across the screen right now. So that's such a gift. And yeah, I am a dating and breakup coach and it is my mission to help people heal from heartbreak and overcome dating stuff back so they can reclaim their power, fall in love with themselves and attract the love and life that they truly desire.

Speaker 2: 2:43

And breakup coach is encapsulates kind of the whole spectrum of heartbreak. Right, it's not just, oh, you were in a relationship with somebody for two, three years and then you broke up, which is, of course, its own kind of pain. It can also be a situation ship breakup. It can also be heartbreak over something that you really wanted to happen. A lot of times we start to date somebody and see it going somewhere, and you might have not even entered into a relationship with one person, but maybe you just weren't on the same page anymore, and there's heartbreak in that too.

Speaker 2: 3:19

And heartbreak in marriage, heartbreak in friendships to. That's something I'm starting to talk about a little bit more in the workshops that I do. So I run group workshops across Vancouver and soon to be Victoria.

Speaker 2: 3:30

I would love to go more international as well, and that's really a time for people to gather in community, because oftentimes during heartbreak, what I'm trying to change is the feeling of loneliness that comes after, the feeling of like, is anybody else going through this right now? Like you're walking down the street and if you do get up out of bed that day and I'm the only one in a supper bubble right now, even if you have really good people in your life and really good friends, after a while you might feel like you're so complaining about it, and so I like to offer, like a very judgment, free, loving space for people in my workshops and, of course, I work with people one to one and that's a more immersive, intimate container. But basically, I just fully believe that heartbreak and breakups are one of the most profoundly transformative experiences that we go through and really a way that we meet ourselves, learn about ourselves and, if we take the medicine of that heartbreak, turn into the next best version of ourselves.

Speaker 1: 4:34

Whoa, okay, you have said like so many incredible things. First of all, shout out to fellow Canadian Love that. But you're, like you're so right in saying that. There's a couple things that I wanted to kind of touch on. The first is that every single person who kind of goes through this Oftentimes we have this moment of like is it me, what could I have done differently? And we start to like take inventory on ourselves and how we showed up in that relationship or situation and think about, like you know, what could I potentially do different next time? Or you know, maybe, how could I have kind of fixed the thing that we're, that we're breaking up from?

Speaker 1: 5:20

But then the other thing that you said that was really that I really liked is that and I got, I guess I kind of like compare it to like grieving almost where it's like you experience a loss and then everybody's around you and they're like I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

Speaker 1: 5:35

They're really looking for ways that they can kind of support you and then it gets to a certain point where that support dwindles away but you're still very much feeling the feelings of that loss because you are like grieving. You know what you thought it could be losing that, that relationship and also that friendship. Like you said, I know myself personally like there have been a few friendships in my life where I was hurt and I knew that it was the best thing for me to sever those ties or to just not really communicate with that person or those people anymore. And you're still like more. You always think about the good times right and the and the feelings that felt good, about those experiences and you feel sad about those and that doesn't go away and you still keep feeling those.

Speaker 2: 6:26

Absolutely yeah. It's a nuanced moment because you definitely come out of a breakup and sometimes you go into a movie mode in your mind where you are replaying all of the amazing things all of a sudden, especially if it's a breakup that happened because of something that was unhealthy and toxic, and so you start to think, oh, but maybe there was something good about this relationship and I speak from experience. This is what happened with my breakup that launched me into this business. It was a very unhealthy, toxic relationship and as soon as I walked away from that which is one of the hardest and best decisions I've ever done I started to think about all the beautiful things about him and I think these two things can coexist in a way.

Speaker 2: 7:14

But I think it's a complex thing to navigate when you're one, trying to move on because you clearly broke up, for a reason for it to get to that point, but two, you still, yeah, like that person was a part of your life and they're still existing in the world, and that's where that's really hard to reconcile with the grief of losing somebody to death. But the fact is the brain actually doesn't know the difference. If it's death or just like a loss of a breakup, we process it very similarly in our body and in our brain and at the Amadilla. Literally it feels like a threat to your survival when you lose somebody to a breakup or death, and so I just want to validate that pain right after and that like that anxiety.

Speaker 1: 7:57

That makes total sense to me, because you're still like having to figure out how your life is going to look without that person. And then you add in like an extra complex layer. I know two people who are going through a separation right now, breakup where they both still feel such deep love for each other but you know needs aren't being met and it's not going in the direction that they had hoped. I can't imagine how that would feel. Right, my breakup before my husband, which was like 18 years ago well, more than that. Anyway, that guy was a dick. Quite frankly, I was going to say he was a douchebag. He was that too, and so, like it made sense Eventually. I still felt a lot of feelings around that, but, like I can imagine, you know it's so multi layered.

Speaker 2: 8:47

Yeah, absolutely yeah. Oh, that's so painful when you still have love for that person, but you've both reconciled the fact that, like yeah, it's not going in the way that you want to. That's, that's extremely hard, but one of the things that I want to note about that is that we have so many potential people that we can be compatible with and have good chemistry with, and that's usually a really common fear that keeps us longer in those relationships is like, oh, I thought I think this is it, or I thought this was the best I could have.

Speaker 2: 9:18

Whereas there's so much potential for people that we can connect with and in fact, I want to say like if you felt that depth of love and connection and chemistry and compatibility, you were half of that equation. Like you brought a part of that too, and so you can bring that to a fresh relationship that meets you where you are and is aligned with your vision and values and where you want to go. And, oh my gosh.

Speaker 1: 9:44

Yeah, I love that so much because that like kind of just tweaked my brain or what you said earlier, that like when you go through a breakup, it's like an opera. It really is like an opportunity for transformation and almost like not I mean, reinvention is the word that's coming to mind for me right now but it like you go through this transformation, you are. You will never be the same person because you're now carrying all of that with you going forward. Okay, tell me about like some, some of the clients that you've worked with, or even your own experience, whatever you want to share, just about that like transforming and using the heartbreak to to grow from it.

Speaker 2: 10:27

Absolutely so. I want to first share, like, my story, really, because that's where it all started, and I thought the relationship, my most previous relationship, was my person. I believed that and actually I'm talking to you at a really interesting moment, because we broke up almost exactly a year ago today and I was reflecting on it and writing an email to my email list and thinking, oh, my goodness, yeah, it's almost it was like September 4th or 5th last year and to see how much has changed in a year, even because of two things because I have been very intentional with my healing and reinventing myself and I've also asked for help and asked for support. And I think those are what differentiates people who stay really stuck in their heartbreak and it's valid to feel stuck versus the people who go through that period of mourning and loss and then decide to do something with it, decide to optimize it into that reinvention and into becoming the next best version of yourself. And that's exactly what I did Like I'll be honest, though, like those first several months after, I was not doing that.

Speaker 2: 11:40

I just let myself feel, I just let myself mourn and process and cry and scream. I was angry. Anger is a huge emotion that comes after a breakup and that was really uncomfortable for me, but I needed to really feel that way. I needed to feel anger about my ex because of the way he treated me, and that didn't mean I was calling him or texting him like how dare you do this? No, like this is something you need to do with yourself. Whatever that looks like for you, like some ways that I would suggest is getting into breathwork and that really can help you start to let go or release those emotions. I journal a lot and so I would write angry letters not sending them, but I would just like write and release and then, after I just felt this weight lifted off my shoulders and I kept doing that. So it's not just like a one and done. Sometimes you have to do these practices over and over again.

Speaker 2: 12:34

I spoke to friends, I invested in coaching, all of these things, and then the process of reinventing yourself starts when you realize you just want something different, you want something better, you're starting to pry a little less, you're still feeling emotional, but you just want, you see, some hope. And that's what I want to offer people that I work with and what I offer people in my workshops and one to one is just a planting of hope. That doesn't always feel very apparent right at the beginning. But if you have a little bit of hope and something that you're living for, it's quite easy to then take the next steps, and really it's just one step at a time. So first you know that can look like investing in your goals and your pursuits, and for me it was starting this business.

Speaker 2: 13:22

Diving deeper into hobbies I signed up for a new dance class. I'm already a Latin dancer, but I started taking like partner Kisomba classes and sometimes that newness of trying something new develops your confidence. I started meeting new friends and like kind of doing things that I never felt that my ex really appreciated about me or like understood, and I claimed that back right. And so if you can kind of do that, then that's when you start to really reinvent yourself. And with my clients, often the people that I attract I mean in the workshops usually they've gone through like a really fresh heartbreak and they're just looking for some light at the end of the tunnel. They're just looking to feel a little less anxious, a little less stressed and more in tune with themselves.

Speaker 2: 14:07

But often the people that I work with one to one are people that have just kind of experienced a lot of the same patterns over and over again in their dating life, or they've just experienced a lot of like heartbreak after heartbreak, and they've felt a lot of anxiety or avoidance, like this weekend at two attachment styles.

Speaker 2: 14:25

That's a whole other, but that often leads to heartbreak too. So really it's about actually rewiring a lot of your beliefs about love and relationships. And if you are experiencing like a lot of these common patterns, or even after an intense breakup, like I didn't think I would, I was the type of person to attract somebody who was violent and toxic and unhealthy, and so that made me realize, oh, I need to look more at myself here and not put so much of the blame also on my acts, like I let myself feel the anger. But part of reinventing is taking responsibility for ourselves as well and taking responsibility for our own healing and how we can make sure that nothing is 100% guaranteed but that we can like try to prevent something similar from happening in the future. And that starts with our subconscious beliefs at the core, which take like deep inner work and reflection, and that's really what's going to transform your identity and who you step into.

Speaker 1: 15:27

So what you're talking about right now just reminded me of Mel Robbins.

Speaker 1: 15:32

I listened to a podcast episode of hers recently and she had a doctor on there who specifically works with people around their attachment styles and how, based on what their attachment styles are, the type of partners that they attract and then the type of parents that they become.

Speaker 1: 15:49

And they this. This doctor I forget what her name is was talking about how, like, if we find ourselves in these patterns of being in relationships with similar people, it can be helpful for us again and this is not like to face blame on the individual themselves, but it can be helpful for the individual to like think about their subconscious beliefs, about relationships, about what was modeled for them when they were growing up and all that kind of stuff, and how all of these things can actually impact the type of person that we, that we attract. It's so fascinating because, like, we're experiencing our life in the present but we don't, we forget and maybe we don't realize that, like a lot of our present experiences come from these like subconscious things that we don't even realize, stuff we haven't healed, like all of it right.

Speaker 2: 19:00

Absolutely yeah. So it's really interesting to see people come to those breakthroughs and aha moments and realize, oh my gosh, like I didn't realize. This is what I thought about myself deep down, and then that's. But that's the portal, that's like where the healing really becomes juicy, because then you can really, once you know, you know and it takes some like work to really integrate the new learnings and lessons into your sense of being. But it all comes down to your deepest desires as well, and sometimes we lose sight of, like, what we want. And so if you're very clear about what you want and if what you want is a really purposeful, healthy, beautiful partnership, then you're hopefully going to top. Do this work to get to that desire, and if your desire is strong enough, then you can. You can work through anything.

Speaker 1: 19:48

Well, and people will say like, oh, but that sounds like so hard to go through that work and like, do the digging, but like, ultimately, you choose your heart right. Do you want to sit in the heart of, like, not really processing the breakup or do you want to channel that hard into something that's going to really allow for you to like heal and come out? I guess, like on the other side of this experience that you're having, oh my gosh, andrea, absolutely.

Speaker 2: 20:18

That reminds me. Yeah, there's a really popular author and speaker. His name is gay Hendricks and he refers to this expression called your upper limit, and everybody has a different upper limit and basically that's your own ceiling, or thresholds for how much you'll allow yourself to feel joy and success, abundance, ease. And as soon as you start to feel like you're getting there, you'll self sabotage and bring yourself down. But sometimes, like to get there, you might have to go through discomfort and stretchiness, because when we go to the next level, there's always going to be probably a whole of like self doubt, of fear, of of wounds coming back, of insecurities, all of that. And so when it starts to feel out of your comfort zone, often we self sabotage. So people are saying, yeah, oh, that works, seems hard, but even though deep down, you've heard the testimonials, you've heard what this can do for your life, it leads you to actually a higher version of yourself. But for some people that's scarier than comfortable pain and that's kind of like a human experience. But I find it really fascinating.

Speaker 1: 21:27

Well, I mean, psychology tells us that we obviously have like these inner defense mechanisms and we want to prevent ourselves from feeling like immense pain and also there's like the fear of the unknown that comes into play there too. So it's like all of these things like keeping us small. But I was literally just talking to somebody today about, you know, these kind of they're being triggered in a certain situation that they're in right now and like all these old beliefs are like coming up again for them and they're like, fuck, I thought I healed from all this stuff, but it's like it's coming up again and and it's challenging to navigate, but they have the mindset of like, okay, maybe I need to lean into this, because on the other side of that, on the other side of the breakup, on the other side of the work, is that elevated type of experience? You know, oh gosh, either? Something you said earlier to you.

Speaker 1: 22:26

You said that when you went through your breakup, you really allowed yourself to feel it. I think that that is almost like a permission slip for people, that if you're going through whether it's a breakup or not if you're going through something hard and challenging and some sort of loss, it's really important to allow yourself to feel it, because if you push it down and try and move forward and if you're leaving a toxic relationship, people might be saying like you're better off, don't worry about them, just move forward. You still have to go through that processing of the emotion because otherwise it's coming out some way at some point in the future.

Speaker 2: 23:08

Absolutely yeah. It'll magnify and crop up more than you even realize. I meet people like that now in different capacities, who it's like years later and they've thought they've dealt with it, but they really haven't. I'm honestly proud because I too used to be like that. I'm just generally an optimistic person. In other past situations I would pretend and act as if I was all okay, even though I deep down wasn't. That was also just a fear of expressing vulnerability to people I love and a fear of being helped and supported. But I worked through that as well. I think it was just so beautiful. How many people did show up for me. I could not have gone through my breakup and been to where I am today, where today I feel freaking fantastic. I am just radiating and feeling magnetic and feeling amazing. Yeah, like just last year, I was crying myself to sleep. It is painful, so painful. I let myself feel it and look at where I am now.

Speaker 1: 24:12

It really does pay off. One of the things that I thought was really cool I was just looking at your Instagram leading up to our interview. You have a lot of practical tip reels, which I think are awesome, because people can get those nuggets of information when they're going through it. Can you tell me a little bit just because my own curiosity what does it look like when you work with people on this particular topic?

Speaker 2: 24:39

Absolutely. The first step, like I said, is feel to heal what looks like, identifying then how to cope with your feelings and not avoid them. So like getting really clear on what that looks like for you. And I mentioned some practices earlier. So like journaling, breath work, talking about letting yourself cry, and when you are feeling, something that's just really important is to love yourself through that. And what I like to do is, when I'm starting to feel an uncomfortable emotion like anger or sadness, I imagine my little girl and I imagine her in my eyes. I close my eyes and I just say okay, I'm here for you. You can feel this way Because oftentimes there's like that little child in us that for different experiences this is based off of everybody's life experiences and childhood, but maybe you weren't allowed to express your emotions or feel that way or made to feel too much, or there wasn't any space for that in your childhood because you had to be the parent or you had to be the grown up one, whatever it is.

Speaker 2: 25:43

And so it's just first acknowledging and telling that inner child. Put your hand on your heart, like really be soft with yourself and like just let yourself feel it. So that's just the first step, like be soft through the uncomfortable emotions and the judgments that are coming up. The second thing is to reach out for help. Reach out to your friends, reach out to community, sign up for workshops. Like I always say to the people who come to my workshops like I'm so proud of you, like that's a vulnerable thing to do. They're coming and talking to strangers, but then all of these people are going through their own unique experiences, but such a similar feeling, and so it's really cathartic for them to talk about it with people again that just understand what they're going through in that moment. So go to the retreat, go to the workshop. Like talk to your friends, have a girls night, like do whatever, and then it's also okay I wanna validate this to have days where you just don't do anything. That's I wanna validate. Like if the best you can do is brush your teeth, then that's the best you can do, like, especially right after a breakup, and sometimes we do get into that depression, so that goes back to feel, to heal. But I just wanna say that's important to say too.

Speaker 2: 26:56

The third thing is to think about, then, the person that you wanna be, and that could be in six months and one year and start to think about what do I need to do to be that person, and that will give you fuel and momentum and inspiration to take different action steps. So maybe you wanna be a person who works in a certain career or has a business or travels a lot, and that will give you just something to look forward to Like. If you have that driving force behind you, then that can really help you move on. Then the other part, of course, like I said earlier, is the subconscious beliefs. So this is really important to work with a coach or a therapist so that you can identify those beliefs, because that will really be the pinnacle of your identity shift and that's what we really need after a breakup, especially if you've associated a lot of your identity with being in a relationship or being married or whatever it is. You need to start to embodying your identity, and more so if you wanna be open to love again and this is an important piece that I wanna say too, because if you're holding onto these resentments or old beliefs from that relationship and you start to date again like months down the line, then you're going to be projecting a lot of those wounds onto like new partners or new people. So if you truly wanna like welcome in a new sense of love and a new type of relationship, then it's really important to work on the beliefs that got you in that situation, or just the beliefs that attracted that life to you or maybe came, because of that situation, right.

Speaker 2: 28:27

And then another important piece is forgiveness. So I teach about forgiveness in my workshops. I think it is the deepest path to closure and what I mean by forgiveness is not necessarily like calling up your acts and saying I forgive you. If that's something like no judgment here, if that's something you wanna do, I wouldn't recommend. But forgiveness is more like an internal closure practice. It's just like acceptance that what happened can't be changed. But forgiveness comes after the messy part. It comes after the sadness and the anger and it's a journey. It's not gonna be this like quick, bandaid release. It's just gonna be coming back to your heart, like I said, and just like saying I release you, I forgive you, like say those words out loud in your head whenever you start to feel yourself dripping into that sense of like anger or deeper resentment and there's that part of you, that higher version of you, that's like no, I don't wanna feel this anger anymore. That's the part where you're ready to start to forgive and intentionally forgive, and remembering that forgiveness is for you. Like how powerful.

Speaker 1: 29:36

Is that Like people like to think Is that for anybody else?

Speaker 2: 29:39

No, because that person is still living and existing and, like they don't know always what that situation did for you, they're thinking about their life and where they're going now and they could be going through pain and suffering 100%. But it's more for you to feel released and to like welcome in something new and so connect to that heart, connect to that part of you that just like knows deep down that you deserve and desire something better, and recognize the love in you, like just feel that when you connect to your heart and those are kind of some practices. And then, of course, like connecting to your heart is all about doing the things that you love and that light you up. So, whatever that is, do it, do more of it, because you'll just feel that energy.

Speaker 1: 30:27

There are so many beautiful tools in there, and I think it's also like worthwhile mentioning that all of these steps and all of this moving through the different moments of that process is so different for everybody and, like you know, there might be people in our life that's like, oh my gosh, like you guys broke up six months ago or whatever like are you not over it yet?

Speaker 1: 30:52

And I think that it's really important to remember that any loss that you're going through and grieving and healing from like is going to be such a different timeline for every single person, and it's not up to us to impose those on other people, and it's also like up to us to keep those like put up a barrier or like boundary of like. Listen, I'm gonna go through this on my own time and I'm gonna do it in whatever amount of time it takes me. Wow, yeah, so much gold. Can you tell people I will link it in the show notes but before we wrap up, like this incredible conversation, can you tell people where they can find you? And I mean, you've given us so much gold already, but do you have any like final closing thoughts that you would wanna leave listeners with before we wrap up today?

Speaker 2: 31:48

I would say that if you're going through heartbreak right now, know that I completely see you and completely understand, and I want you to know that you are whole and complete as you are in your pain and in your joy, in your heartbreak, before and after, and you will find your sparkle again.

Speaker 1: 32:12

I love that. I love that. Thank you so much for sharing in this time with me, with us, for everybody listening. I envision people out there listening to this, just really really feeling it and feeling that love and support like a hug through their car speakers or their AirPods or whatever it is.

Speaker 2: 32:32

Yeah, that's what I wanted to feel like and yeah, if you need more support, you can find me on Instagram at healwithlidia, and I'll send it to Andrea as well, but I have a free five minute EFT tapping guide, which is just a brilliant, quick practice to regulate your nervous system and restore your energy. So that is something that's free and downloadable. And I'm also on tit talk at Lydia Paulina K and yeah, I offer tons of different bite sized advice and tools and tips and stories there, so feel free to connect with me there.

Speaker 1: 33:09

I love it all. Thank you so much for the incredible work that you do. Like I kind of opened up this episode with it's such a raw, painful, vulnerable, really really sensitive type of experience and so you working with people in that space is just like it's such a light in the world. So thank you for doing that and being here.

Speaker 2: 33:29

Oh my goodness. Thank you for having this platform, andrea, and sharing so many beautiful guests and stories. It's also incredibly valuable.

Speaker 1: 33:38

Thank, you so much. You're so welcome Guys. Thank you for tuning in today and I will see you next week. Until then, stay well. Thanks so much for being here. I hope you're leaving with a full heart, some inspiration or you're feeling the kick in the butt you felt like you needed. If you really enjoyed this episode, be sure to share it with a friend or let me know Rates, reviews, subscribing and sharing are all great ways to support the show, and if you want to stay in touch, follow me over on Instagram at thebalancebless. Thanks for listening today and stay well.