Step-Family Dynamics: Navigating with Compassion and Understanding

When the laughter around the dinner table turns into a battleground between your preteen and their step-parent, the heartache can feel overwhelming.

Imagine if, instead of bracing for the worst, you could approach these family conflicts with a sense of compassion and understanding.

That's exactly the journey we're guiding you through, exploring the complexities of step-family dynamics without the rose-colored glasses. We share candid discussions and heartfelt stories, revealing how the expectation that family members must always harmonize can sometimes do more harm than good.

Embracing the authentic ebbs and flows of these relationships, we offer a new perspective that encourages mothers to forge deeper connections with their children as they navigate this challenging terrain.

The second chapter invites you on a path of self-discovery, examining the beliefs and expectations that shape our reactions to family discord. We'll walk you through the introspective process of journaling, helping to shine a light on the pressures and ideals that often lie beneath our quest for a peaceful home.

By questioning our own narratives and understanding what's truly at the heart of our distress, we uncover not only the reasons behind our pursuit of familial harmony but also the potential for resolution and growth.

Tuning into this episode, you'll gain invaluable insights and tools to address relationship challenges with step-parents, fostering a nurturing environment where every member of the family can thrive.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Welcome to Motherhood from the Brain, a podcast guiding moms of preteen girls on how to navigate emotional challenges that are not addressed in school. We share real stories, expert advice and brain-based methods for handling tough moments. Discover insights to create a deeper connection with your preteen and improve your motherhood journey. Let's tackle the uncharted territory of parenting together, hosted by professional, certified coach, esther Babazi.

Speaker 2: 0:37

Oh hi. Welcome to the 18th episode of the Motherhood and the Brain podcast. My name is Esther Mbabazi. I am not a psychologist, psychiatrist or any other licensed mental health worker. On this podcast, motherhood and the Brain, I just share what has worked for me, what is working for me in my life, what is helping me improve my emotional, physical, mental and emotional well-being, and what is improving my life as a mom and as a person, as your next door mom neighbor. Today we are going to talk about something that is a major source of pain for many moms. Major source of pain for many mums when our preteens do not see eye to eye with their siblings or their step parents or any other family members I have spoken to.

Speaker 2: 1:38

I don't want to say so many people, but I have coached some people on this particular issue. Picture this you are a devoted mom trying your best to blend your family seamlessly, but there is a hiccup in your plan. Your preteen son and his stepfather can't seem to see eye to eye, despite your efforts to mend the relationship. Tension lingers and it's starting to take a toll on your relationship with your son. You are at your wit's end and you don't know what to do anymore. Do you know anybody in this situation? Have you been in this situation? Now? Your son and husband husband relationship is a neutral circumstance. It is what you think about it, or how you think about it, or how you think about their relationship, that is causing you pain. Let me repeat your son and husband relationship, your son and his stepfather's relationship, is just there. It is not positive, it is not negative. It is just there. It is how you think about that relationship that is causing you to feel pain, because the people that I have spoken to usually feel pain. In this case, you think that they should get along. You think that they should see eye to eye. You think that there's something wrong when they are not getting along. So you are trying your best to see that they see eye to eye. You're trying your best to get them to get along, if I can say it like that, which of course is not working because it is outside of your control. You have tried what you have tried and nothing seems to be working. But I just want to challenge you. What if just what, if nothing has gone wrong here? What if it is okay that sometimes family members don't get along Because they clearly do not Think about it? Who decides that stepfathers and stepsons should get along, that stepfathers and stepsons should get along? Who decided, like, where is it written that stepfathers and stepchildren should get along? What if it's possible that there are step-sons and step-fathers who do not see eye to eye, in every culture, every country, every continent? What if that is possible?

Speaker 2: 4:27

But your belief that they should get along is causing you pain, like I said in the beginning, you see, somehow, somewhere, as human beings, we came to believe that family members should see eye to eye. We came to believe that stepchildren and stepfathers should get along. We came to believe that familial bonds should be the way we expect them to be. But the truth of the matter is familial bonds do not always fit neatly into our expectations. Siblings may not talk to each other, and step-parents and step-children may not speak to each other or may not get along, and parents and their own children may not get along either. But does this mean that something has gone wrong?

Speaker 2: 5:28

It's important to recognize that conflict within families is not negative. It's just a natural part of human relationships. It is how we think part of human relationships. It is how we think about it that matters, of course, as human beings, when things do not go according to our expectations, we tend to blame ourselves, we beat ourselves up, we think we are failing as mothers, worrying what others will think about us, what they will say, and it is this whole spiral of self-doubt and control that kicks in. And then we try to force things to get better. So we feel better.

Speaker 2: 6:10

But what I have realized, what I have learned, is life follows no rules, life has no manuals, life has no GPS, but somehow, somewhere, we started having expectations about life. We expect our children to get along with their siblings. We expect them to have good relationships between each other. We expect ourselves to have good relationships with our children. We expect step-parents to blend well in our families. When these expectations aren't fulfilled, we feel crushed. We expect to live with our spouses until old age. We expect our children to grow up and lead successful lives. We expect to become pregnant when we want, then carry pregnancies to full term. We expect to raise healthy babies who grow up to become well-behaved preteens who see eye to eye with their siblings and step-parents, and onto well-functioning adults.

Speaker 2: 7:27

When life happens as it always has and our expectations aren't fulfilled, we feel angry at life. We think life is unfair. But when you take a step back and look at it, it is our own expectations that lead us to feel crushed. And if you are in this situation and you are focusing your energy on trying to get your son to see eye to eye, to get along with his step-parent or his parent he doesn't necessarily mean step-parent, but or his parent, his father what is happening here is you are missing out on connecting with your real son, the son who is in front of you. What you're doing is you are interacting with an imaginary version of the son you wish you had. The son you wish gets along with his stepfather or his father. So you are missing out on the son who is not getting along with his stepfather or his father.

Speaker 2: 8:34

Each of us, even our children, each of us has the agency to decide who not to get along with. Each of us gets to have their own thoughts and as a mom, I understand it can be a bitter pill to swallow when we realize that our children have different opinions and do things that we do not agree with, but that is just a natural part of life. Many of us were unconsciously told to think that everything should be happy, all right, merry-go-round all the time. We should feel great all the time, everybody should get along and we should all, I don't know kumbaya. So when a situation like this happens and your son does not get along with their step-parent and your son does not get along with their dad or sibling, then you feel disappointed because we think it shouldn't be this way. Then we try to fix it. We want it to go away, so we feel better. I want everybody to get along, so we feel better.

Speaker 2: 9:41

But I want you to know that you can give yourself permission to feel sad that your son is not getting along with his dad, that your son is not getting along with his stepdad, that your son or daughter is not getting along with his stepdad, that your son or daughter is not getting along with their sibling. Treat yourself with self-compassion, because you're just a human being. We want everybody to get along as human beings, but the truth is people don't get along all the time, and it's okay. So treat yourself with kindness for wanting that and not having that. And, most of all, this gives you a chance to get curious, to go on the inside of yourself and examine what you're thinking. What are you believing? What are your expectations of yourself? What are your expectations of your child? What are the expectations you have for your spouse and other people? Why do you think it is a problem that they are not getting along Like? Why are you making this a problem? What is is going on?

Speaker 2: 11:00

And this is work that is done through writing. Again, on the previous episode, I talked about journaling. So this is the kind of work when you have tried all you can and you and you just can't seem to make them get along. I think it is time to go on the inside, find a pen, piece of paper and start with yourself. What are your expectations of yourself? Do you expect too much of people of yourself? Do you expect too much of yourself? Are you putting yourself under pressure? Why? What are you expecting from your son? Why do you want him to get along with his dad? Like, really, why? Because the evidence says he is not. They are not getting along together and you just can't seem to let it go. Why? This is what you uncover in writing. Why is this a problem? Why do you think this is a problem? Why are you seeing it as a problem? What if there's another way to look at this? What if nothing has gone wrong? What if it is okay that sometimes people don't get along and there's nothing more to read out of that? It's just that. What is your definition of get along? If we went into the perfect world, in the rainbows and daisies world, and they were getting along, how would that look for you and why?

Speaker 2: 12:26

The main important thing here is the why question. Why? Why is this important to you? Why is it? Because now you have no control over it? You have tried, it is not working and you are still pushing. Why? What are you afraid of? What are you making it mean? Thank you so much for listening today. Talk to you again next week. Bye for now.

Speaker 1: 12:49

Thank you for tuning in to today's episode. Your time means the world to us. If you found this episode valuable, we would be immensely grateful if you could spare a moment to visit Apple Podcasts and share your thoughts through a review. Your feedback plays a vital role in helping fellow moms discover our podcast and enrich their own motherhood experiences. Take care and bye for now.